I lost my mom

[RachelSH]

Hi Andy, I’m just stopping to say a quick hi, the hospital has been very busy lately and I am exhausted. Just got off the phone with dad and have been crying for the last 10 minutes, the waves hit me hard tonight. Time for bed, have a good night, I’ll try to write more tomorrow or Thursday.

Hope anyone else reading is doing ok 

[RachelSH]

Hi Andy,

Another busy day at work done, I came home, ate dinner and had a relaxing bath, my support group was cancelled this week as a few members are sick so we decided to cancel this week and extend it one more, so many colds and flus going around. How was your day?

Thank you so much for the book suggestion, I will definitely look into it for my dad. We are also Catholic so no worries there.  My dad is always on the computer so I think daily emails about grief support is also a great idea, I guess I could look at funeral home websites to get some?

Writing to you also makes me less sad! It just helps to know I’m not alone in my feelings, not that I want anyone to feel the sadness I feel but you know what I mean. I know what you mean about reminders of things you did with mom, now that spring is finally trying to get here I am constantly thinking mom would love this weather and be out for her walk now or thinking how we always went for walks together. Or thinking about her sitting in the park with her coffee. It’s so heart breaking.

You are right though, our moms are definitely in heaven and at bliss, no more suffering and they are at peace. I always say to God how I feel selfish saying I want her back as why would I want to take her from Heaven but I would give anything to hug her one more time. I just feel like life is such a battle right now, everyday is a struggle for me and I feel like my head is barely above water. I’m thankful I have you to pull me back towards the raft if I drift a bit too far.

When do you go for your MRI? I will keep my fingers crossed everything turns out ok. 

I hope you have a good day tomorrow, I know spring will be a hard season for you but we will get through it together

[AMills]

Hi Rachel! working so hard and I'm just taking naps! I've not been getting enough sleep at night, mainly because I don't hurry to bed at the right time since Mass is at 7 a.m. 

They haven't called me for my MRI yet. I suspect they're getting approval from my insurance first and then will make my appointment. I just want to get it over with. 

This really is a struggle. This losing people is miserable. Every time I plan something, I wonder if I'll cry. My ex-boss would like me to go to South Carolina and stay with him and his wife. They'll give me a tour! And his wife likes to shop and likes historical things. I think I'm going to do it. Not quite yet because I want to get my passport renewed for ID purposes and my sister wants to go into Ontario a bit. Anyway, I think it might be good for me to do something brave! I thought about driving, but that's a long way to go alone. I may just have to fly. Now I need to find a small airport that will get me there without going into Chicago! It's madness around O'Hare.

Smile warning: I rescued the flowers from church, mostly Easter lilies as they were going to toss them out.  I thought it would be fun to plant them in my garden and see if they come up next year. My garage is now full of lilies needing to be planted, but it's still too cold at night to put them out yet. I'm surrounded by Easter lilies! It looks like a jungle, because they're no longer blooming.

And I'm happy to hear you're Catholic, too.  If we get religious, we'll understand each other. 

I just read this from Fairfield Catholic Cemeteries and thought you might like to read it: "Has anyone ever told you, “You have to have hope?” Somehow it can seem so insincere and so preposterous, but it isn’t. Hope won’t make the pain vanish. Hope won’t lessen the loss. But hope will keep you moving forward one step at a time on your journey because there are things that lie ahead of you, that you may not be able to comprehend at the moment, but which will heal you. And yes, hope is for everyone.

Martin Luther King Jr. was a man who understood how deep discouragement could be, and yet he never lost hope. He once said, “But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.”

So, we're going to keep swimming, swim, swim, swimming.  We've got support, we've got each other to grab ahold of, we just don't have our moms - the only person who will really make us feel better. Try this. I was outside and saw my crabapple tree and just went over to it and gave it a hug. It was planted after our apple tree died. When I was a kid, I was always hugging the apple tree. It was my pal except when I had to pick up apples on the ground. Anyway, my neighbor saw me, but I rather enjoyed hugging that tree. It felt good. Do you have a huggable tree? Maybe at the family home? Ok, I'm a bit crazy. Tree hugging, well, I'm sure my neighbor wondered what I was doing!

I think if you try some local funeral home websites, you have a good chance of finding some of the daily emails. You could also try searching  under something like "daily emails to help with grief" and see what turns up. The one I just used was Fairfield County Catholic Cemeteries in Bridgeport. I think Connecticut is its state, but I'm guessing. I just find getting that daily message makes me feel like I'm not the only one who still remembers Mom passed on. 

I do sometimes feel like I'm the only one in the family stills hurting over this. I know it's not true. They just have a wedding coming a new baby, and my sister especially is still dealing with it, I know, but she's keeping very busy with all those things as well. I know Mom isn't forgotten. As I mentioned before, I'm the only one at "ground zero", living with Mom every day for ages. I'm feeling the gap (more like canyon than gap) a lot more because she was woven into everything I was doing. Augh! How did we make it this far, Rachel? I was asked by a doctor if I ever contemplated suicide. I, of course, answered no. As a fellow Catholic, you'll understand I'm sure when I say I would never do anything that would run the risk of me not being with Mom and Dad after I die. Besides, you never do know what's right around the corner. I'm experimenting with a novena that is all about letting Jesus take care of it. I worry about things. But, now, I'm trying to just let Jesus handle it. I keep grabbing things back, but then I remember and try to stop worrying. It's a work in progress. I'm still worrying about your dad. Just because he's your dad and I know how difficult this must be for him. I hope the daily emails will help. Let me know if you don't find any and I'll give you some addresses of the ones I'm using. I thought it would be good if you could find something locally. The funeral home we used is where I started and they offered the emails. I thought they had a very good idea.

Now I'm going to get something to eat. I'm going to have a late night again since I was cleaning the kitchen. Well, more like putting things away. I use the kitchen table as a catch-all. I'm still tackling that, but Friday is my busy day. Two doctor appointments, of all things (one my grief counselor and the other my family doctor - just a follow up visit. Then I'm working at the historical society for a few hours and then my friend's husband called and talked me into going to the American Legion for supper. I'll crawl into bed tomorrow too tired to move. I shall, however, be sure to get our ceremony done in the middle of all this.

Try to enjoy your weekend. I'll be thinking of you. I'll keep you posted on the health scene. I think I wrote a book here tonight.

[AMills]

Hi Rachel! Just thinking of you. Not much to report although I had another radio message, I think. I was rather weepy when I got up this morning and remember commenting to God that yes, I know Jesus loves me and I'm saying a 9 month  novena (My sister lasted less than a week, but I'm just through with the first month. It runs from March 25, when St. Mary agreed to be a mother until Jesus is born on Dec. 25. I've come close to forgetting it several times.) but what I'd also like would be one more chance to hug Mom and Dad. You'll notice I didn't promise to let go ...   And I admitted that it was highly unlikely. Then I gathered myself together and said I'd have one more "fat" treat before starting my diet, yet again, tomorrow. So, while in line for my mocha frappe and the ever-present cinnamon roll, I turned on the radio and heard Dolly Parton singing quite clearly "But you know I love." The love you bit goes on and on in the song. I just sat there with my mouth open. Then I looked up and said, "OK, I've got it. Good one, Lord." Do we have a saint of radio broadcasts?

Anyway, I know some would say this is just cooincidence and that you can take song lyrics anyway you want to translate them. It's just too strange for me. That really doesn't happen to me (well, three times now). I was on another station and just barely hearing its song, I changed to the Dolly one. How'd I know? I'm just adding this as another hopeful message.  "Jesus loves me this I know, cause the radio tells me so?" Or is it a message that Mom and Dad love me even if they can't drop in for a hug or that all three of them love me and I'm so blessed?  At any rate, it was another adventure.

Hope you're doing okay. It's hot ear today and humid. For once it feels good in the ocean - let's keep splashing along this weekend. This would all be so dreadful without a beam of light if we hadn't discovered each other. Remember we're trying to be patient. I forget that all the time. Oh, no news on the medical front yet. No appointment for the MRI. My family doctor (visited her Friday for a medicine checkup due to my depression pill) suggested I call central scheduling to see what they were up to. I didn't have time Friday as it's becoming my new Tuesday. Tuesday things are settling down. My grief group has only three meetings left. And my church group finished with Lent.  I seem to have Mass if I can, appointment with counselor every other week and then working in the hsitorical society until late afternoon. I did some research for someone this past Friday and was saved from typing my index for a scrapbook.

Now for some lunch. A late lunch. Oops. I think I'll wait and call it supper. Take care. Hold on to that raft - if you let go, I'll have to come after you and you swim better than me. On top of that, I'd have to pull the raft along, too. I also promise not to let go. With our luck, the raft would end up supported by us floating on our backs. I don't think that would be very comfortable, but it does make a funny picture in the mind. 

[RachelSH]

Hi Andy,

My weekend has been ok so far, I went for dinner and to a movie with a few friends from work last night, it was good to have some good food, a glass of wine and of course good gossip. Today I had an appt for a mammogram (sorry for the personal info, I hope anyone reading this isn’t offended) after my mom passed I went to my to dr to get a requisition form as I am a bit young to start them but with my mom having breast cancer I was scared. My moms oncologist did tell her that because her cancer came on after menopause it works in my and my sisters favour and it’s not the genetic type but I still want to get a handle on this just in case. I’m glad it’s over, I was nervous to go and it’s a bit uncomfortable but the technician was very kind, she did say it’s best to start them yearly after 40 if my dr agrees just in case (my aunt also passed from breast cancer, my dads sister). She did say the images look clear to her but they always have a specialist interpret them and because it was my first one to not panic if they call me to get further images as these are baseline ones so they may need others, she said a lot of women in the past have come in panicking and in tears and she wanted to warn me that it’s usually just to retake them, I thanked her as if I got a call I would I have for sure panicked!

I know it sounds odd as I am a nurse but whenever I go to the dr or dentist or any medical appt I get so nervous and have a lot of anxiety, I almost feel like knowing medicine makes me paranoid as I know the things they can find. I always get worked up and my mom would always reassure me it would be ok etc. As soon as I left the clinic I burst into tears walking to my car, I think part was relief that it was done and clear but also that would be the time I would call mom and tell her about my appt and be so happy with myself for getting it done, she was always so proud me and I miss that feeling of having her telling me how proud she was, just having a sad day and missing her a lot.

I know you are still waiting on your MRI, I hope all goes well with it, I will keep my fingers (and toes) crossed. How are you feeling on your depression pills?

I definitely think you should go to your ex boss’ house for a visit, might be a nice distraction and may be good for you to get away for a bit.

Your garage must look lovely with all the lilies in there

I will look at some funeral home websites to see about daily emails for my dad, thank you again for the suggestion. Thank you also for thinking of him, so kind of you. 
I know how you feel with thinking you are really the only one still really affected by losing your mom, aside from dad who I know is struggling, I feel the same. I feel like I am still devastated and others are slowly getting back into the swing of life while I am stuck in slow motion. I talk to her everyday and pray for her everyday and still cry everyday, sometimes multiple times. I guess it’s the price we pay for loving them so much. It really hurts but I am clutching the raft!

I think the song was a sign for sure, either Jesus trying to cheer you up or your mom or dad, I strongly believe in these signs. Did it help cheer you up? At work the other day someone left a bag on the staff room table, it was a wildlife bag and in the corner there was an owl. I smiled and said hi mom, I love you (no one else was in the room otherwise they might have thought I was a bit odd). Again, could have been a coincidence but I chose to believe it was her. 

I hope your day is going well. I will keep holding onto the raft if you will, we will get through this together 

[AMills]

Since you Mom's not here to tell, I'm going to tell you that you did the right thing and I'm proud of you. Tests and doctor visits always make me nervous, and I'm sure we're not alone. The first mammogram is always the worst experience because you don't know exactly what's going to happen. It sounds like you had a good, calming technician though. So good for you taking charge of having it done. I think it's a good idea - it will put your mind at ease for a bit and you found out you probably don't have anything to worry about. My great-aunt had breast cancer, but it's not appeared in anyone else that I know of. And she had hers ages ago when science wasn't as keen as it is now. Her doctors obviously did the best with what they had, as she survived it. I wish your mother could have been there for you. 

And it makes perfect sense to me that you get nervous. You know too much. You see too much. Non-nurses  can go into these things completely dumb about them and don't know half of what you do. We can be somewhat less nervous because we lack the knowledge. Someone has to have that knowledge. Nurses are wonderful to be the ones to be in the know!

My medicine remains the same. I told the doctor I wasn't sure it was working against all my crying attacks. She offered to increase it, but I wanted to give it a little more time. I see her again on the10th and then I might ask for a little more strength to it. It's at the minimum right now. 

I may not be making sense as I'm rather tired. I managed to get my new printer connected to my laptop. However, I don't have anything to print. Tomorrow I'll see what I can print as a test. 

Rachel, you hang on to that raft as I'll be right there with you. I'm working on a rope we can put around our waists, so we can get back to the raft if something tries to wash us away. 

I talked to my neighbor's dad, who has the horses I ride. I think he might be asking to me ride with him again this summer. And he was very understanding about how hard it is for me alone. He described it perfectly.  He also said he'd been to six funerals this past week. He also said they weren't people he was terribly close to, but still .... 

It was just what I needed - an understanding ear. We chatted until his daughter got home. My poor mocha frappe was melting, but I didn't want to rush them away. It was a nice chat all around.

Now for supper. I am SO PROUD of you. And I beg your mother was watching the entire thing. She knows; she's always proud of you and probably even more so now that she can see everything we do. Remember that TV show I told you about when the son told the police after his mother died - now she can see EVERYTHING I do. This is terrible.He may have been stressed, but it makes me feel better to know the moms are out there in Heaven keeping their eyes on us. The horrified look on the man who said that in the show still makes me laugh. 

Take care, better days are ahead - they won't be perfectly happy, of course, but there are things yet for us to do and some are bound to make us smile. 

[RachelSH]

Hi Andy,

Thank you so much for telling me you are proud of me for going, it’s not exactly something that I want to talk to my dad about to get praise so it truly means a lot.  I am so glad it was a positive experience as if I am going to go yearly for them I can go to the same place and know what to expect and hopefully the same kind people still work there (I’ve had my share of unkind nurses when I get blood taken as well as drs in general who are intimidating so I’m glad they were kind). I hope you are still going for them too, I think a big mistake a lot of women make is thinking if they have no risk factors they can skip it or don’t need to worry and cancer doesn’t work like that unfortunately, my moms oncologist said many women he treats for breast cancer have no risk factors. It’s such a scary disease.

Thanks for saying it makes sense that I get nervous at appointments, I always feel silly saying that but I truly believe part of the nerves come from what I know as a nurse and what I’ve seen. 

Have you noticed any difference on the pills at all?

I’m so glad you will have an opportunity to ride horses this summer, that sounds like so much fun, I love animals. I’m happy you had a nice chat with the neighbours dad, it sounds like it was exactly what you needed. 

I hope you had a good day today, I did the typical Sunday errands of groceries, laundry, meal prepping etc while trying to watch the blue jays game and also stopping to have a few crying fits. I had bouts of anger today about losing mom and feelings of jealousy for others that still have their mom, I hate days like this where my emotions are all over the place. You are right, our moms are watching over us from heaven and are proud of us. Thank you again for all your support and saying you are proud of me, I must admit it did make me tear up a bit. Hang on tight to the raft and watch out for those waves.

How was your day?

[AMills]

Rachel, before I forget. I definitely go for my mammogram every year. I admit I have to talk myself into it, but it's really not a scary thing. It's just the idea of it all, I guess. And please feel free to ask or talk about "womanly" things if you need to. I'm not an expert, but I am a woman and I love to talk to you.

My medicine seemed to help me at first, but I'm not so sure now. For a little bit, I was not having as many crying bouts. But lately, I just cry over the pill as if I didn't take it. I think I need the biggest pill they have! I'm kidding. I actually hate pills, but I take them like a good girl. Mom's training.

I had a quiet Sunday, but a busy one. I spent the afternoon trying clean up some of the paperwork I have sitting all over. The kitchen now is in order. The living room is my next goal. I also got my new printer hooked up and ready to go. I haven't printed anything, but it's ready! I bought a small table from Hospice's craft shop. It's been painted a beach blue and they left the drawer on it in the original wood. When I set up the table, I noticed the wood is mahogany. Augh, you don't paint over that! However, they told me  that they had to paint because the wood wasn't in good shape. I didn't ask or complain, they volunteered the information. It's very striking with the wood drawer standing out nicely against the blue paint. I must confess that Mom and I had the living room walls (some of them) painted orange. We both like(d) color.

Today while you're working hard, I've been making phone calls and catching up on problems. Tomorrow morning I'll get the report on the stress test. My MRI has been approved, but the local hospital didn't get the approval; the lady I talked to thinks the hospital my doctor is connected to in the next town, got it. She thinks there's been some confusion and will get back to me. I really wanted to get it done, but also, I don't want to do it. I'm sure you understand. I don't like being in that tube thing. Small spaces don't bother me, but I like to move around. lol

I did have some success in my genealogy hobby. Since Mom died, I haven't been really into it, but it's a favorite hobby and I thought I should try to work on it. It absorbs hours of time. Anyway, I found someone who I thought was in Kentucky had moved to Indiana. Then I lost him again. I knew it was him because he worked in woolen mills in Kentucky and died the same in Indiana. Now where did he go? The Depression hit the mill he worked at pretty hard, so he probably lost that job. He may have moved. I just need to see his death certificate. I want to know who his parents are.

But enough of that, how did you do today? I'm still crying and today I woke up feeling very down in the dumps. I'm still catching myself when I find something I want to show Mom or want to talk to her. Then I get that sinking feeling. It's just a second before I catch myself, and say, "Oh."

On the good side, I got a hug in church. I met a lady in the church parking lot. I'd followed her for a bit and saw her pull into a different church and then she came into the right church's parking lot. We had First Communions Sunday and the church was packed. Anyway, knowing she must be a stranger, I chatted with her. She was there to take photos, and ended up standing behind me in church. She had a beautiful singing voice and when I told her that after Mass, I got a hug. How nice! She really had a cute little yellow car. Mine's orange, by the way.

So we find ourselves not exactly swimming and not on the raft. I think we're just in this for the long haul. We'll get through it though. I don't mean we won't miss the moms, but perhaps we'll be able to have those warm memories of them and not cry a river.

This weekend I'm going on an adventure with a friend, so don't worry if I don't write then. I'm concerned that I might have a crying fit, so I told her it could happen. I suspect I'll be too tired to cry. We're going to run around all over the place in a short time. I'm thinking it will be fun if I don't think too much and compare it with Mom. I shall report.

Now I'm going to do some genealogy because I feel weepy again. Ye gads! I'll be patient with myself. You be patient with yourself. I suspect like me that you feel like a big piece is missing. It's home, but not home. It's life trying to be normal and not making it. I'm not being fooled by what I throw myself at to distract me. I may need to listen to the radio again. I'm almost afraid to. hee hee. I do like music. I'm afraid they'll play "Born to Lose".  But more seriously, it's just going to take time. We'll swim one of these days. If we get close to shore, I'll run in and get us some floating devices before the tide goes out again. Let me know how work is going. 

 

[AMills]

Rachel, my stress test was abnormal and now I have to have an angiogram next week. The MRI is this Thursday. I'm almost afraid of what it . will find. 

Also, we had a substitute leader for my grief group today and she was fantastic. It completely changed the atmosphere, so to speak. I even enjoyed it. There's nothing wrong with our real leader, but the change suited me better. Ah well, there's only one more meeting left.

Hope you had a good day at work. I'm something of a "basket case" at the moment. Even though my dad went through all the heart things, I can still hope the angiogram won't find a blockage. We shall see. More later.

[RachelSH]

Andy, I’m so sorry to hear that your stress test came back abnormal, I know that’s scary to hear but try to stay positive until you know more details, the last thing you need is more worry and stress. Do you have the angiogram scheduled? I know you must be a ball of nerves right now, I will keep you in my thought and prayers. 

It’s nice to hear that you enjoyed your substitute grief leader, I wonder if you can inquire to see if she will be hosting any further sessions after this group is done for you to go to? I have two more weeks of my current group, in our WhatsApp chat one of the ladies is suggesting for those who would like to that we bring pictures of our loved ones this week, I am debating on bringing pictures as I think it will just make me cry. I have a lovely one of my parents on their wedding day that I might share, I guess we’ll see how I feel. I’m definitely going to look into joining another group as I really feel that the support has helped me, hopefully I can find one on a weekend as it’s been really hard with work to go during the week, I’m always so tired.

I’m glad to hear that you keep up with your mammograms, it’s so important! Do you go every year? One question - did the technician give you a cloth gown? I kind of thought I would have one like we have at the hospital to kind of cover up between shots, I felt very awkward just standing there with nothing to cover. That was maybe my one small complaint, otherwise the experience was better than I expected.

I wonder that if the pill you are on is strictly for depression that it might not have an effect on your crying spells unfortunately, we can’t always help our emotions in that sense. I do hope they help you to feel better, I am still debating on asking my dr for some help.

Sounds like you’ve been keeping busy lately! So nice that you got a hug from the lady at church, sometimes a hug is all you need to make your day. I hope you have a wonderful time on your adventure with your friend.

Work has been so busy and I am so incredibly tired. Earlier today I heard life is a highway on the radio (moms favourite song) and almost burst into tears at the nurses station but I held it together. Had a good cry tonight though, just missing her so much it hurts and I wonder if I am missing her so much already how am I going to get by the rest of my life without her. 

Anyways, I am off to bed, I will keep holding onto the raft with all my might if you promise to as well, we will become stronger swimmers together. 
Please keep me posted on your appts, I’m rooting for you and hoping for the best.

[AMills]

Hi Rachel,

First of all, my MRI is tomorrow morning. My poor brain is ready for its photo shoot. And a week from tomorrow is my angiogram. And yes, I'm very nervous about both. I'm letting Jesus take care of it, and, of course, I hope he won't give me another abnormal test.

Today, I went to church, went for coffee and actually had a latte, and then I sat at the drug store for 15 minutes reading one of the coffee ladies' genealogy. It was good reading. When the store opened, I bought cards to send to my great-niece. I started sending them so she'd feel special due to having a baby brother who takes up his parents' time, of course. Besides, Laura, the mother, told me she runs around all over the house and really likes the cards. Yep, I'm stuck now. I'm the card aunt. I had to replenish my stock.

With regard to the mammogram, I get one every year.  They put me in something that looked like a cape to wrap around my shoulders. Most of the time it wasn't on. Once I suggested I just leave it off as it kept getting in the way. I figured the technician had see it all and probably doesn't think of me as anything but clay to mold on the machine. And that made me laugh and I relaxed. Of course, she didn't know what was going on in my head. Did you get anything to take home. Sometimes we get pens. If I go in October, they have even more goodies. However, I didn't get anything this year except some literature.

My medicine is, I think, just for depression, but it's a very low dose. Why don't you look into some medical help with your doctor? You can always say you don't want to take it. Just ask and see what she/he thinks. Then it won't be lingering in your mind driving you nuts.

I think I had another radio message while I was out. Trouble is, it was so busy that it has disappeared from my thoughts.  Ah, just writing to you has brought it back. "Put your hand in the hand of the Man who stills the waters, etc. i can assume I'm not to worry if it is a message It's just so strange that these songs appear right when I need them.

Rachel, I actually did cry a river yesterday since I didn't have my mother to talk about the angiogram. And I really needed my father as he had had one. I just couldn't stop crying and I had to go to the grief support. I'm glad I went. I will try to contact the lady who filled in last night. I told the group about my test and they prayed for me. The leader wanted me to let her know how things went through the real leader of the group. I shall do that and perhaps she'll email me directly so I can stay in touch with what's she's doing.

Now, please go to bed early tonight and if you have a tub, soak in it with fairly hot water. Treat yourself so something, perhaps try to read. If anything said comes in your mind, say "NO NO NO!" and push it away. Let me know if you do give it a try. I'm going to try the same thing.

Also, you won't lose me near the raft. I'm going to be right there with you until we both sort things out and get on level ground. We know where the moms are, but it still hurts. It took be about a year to feel better about my father being gone. I wanted to keep his work area like he had it, but we found mold in the basement and his cabinet couldn't be saved and we had to take everything out. I tried to put things back as he had them, but it didn't work. I was very unhappy, as you can imagine. So, our sharp pain could very well take a year or more. And that's fine. It's only been 4 months for us. That's hardly any time. So we'll grab that raft, look for more driftwood and look forward to swimming better down the road. You know, it's because we loved them so much and they loved us. There's a big empty place in us. It will get better. (Well, it could get worse, but I'm hoping God will have pity on us.) So let's hope we can even just see a beach one of these days.

One last thing for now, take that photo to the group. You might cry, but that's the place to cry. I suspect others will cry as well over there photos. I think it could be good therapy to show off your parents. Take a chance. I'd hesitate, too, so I've given myself a talking to as well. Get some rest and I'll try to, as well. 

[RachelSH]

Hi Andy,

Good luck with your MRI tomorrow, I’m sure you are nervous but I know you will get through it, just take a big deep breath and try to relax your mind, I know it’s easier said than done but I will be thinking of you. And of course Jesus will take care of it.

You got a cloth gown AND a pen with your mammogram and I got nothing?? That’s completely unfair :p. 
As awkward as I felt with nothing to cover up between shots I tried to remind myself that the technician has seen it all and she’s very used to her job, it helped me relax a bit. Have you always gone every year since you started going? I know different doctors have different recommendations.

I am considering going to my dr for some meds, I just don’t know if my sadness is just due to losing my mom or more. Before I lost her I wasn’t depressed, I’ve always been an anxious person and have thought maybe I could benefit from meds for my anxiety but I don’t think I’ve ever been depressed. But I am willing to try something if she thinks it will help. 
 

You seem to get a lot of radio messages, I definitely know they are signs from your mom or God. I haven’t gotten any signs lately, someone said they can be hard to spot though, maybe I should start listening to the radio more closely. 

I can definitely understand you crying and being worried about your tests coming up and not having your mom to talk to and support you through it as I am the same way. If I am sick I always want my mom, they just make everything better. I’m sorry you have to go through this without her. Even with my mammogram I told you how emotional I was to not have her support so I know this is hard for you but I am here for support! I may not be there with you but you can always write to me and of course report on how they went. I dread getting sick and not having mom around, even when I have a cold she would always call and check on me and made me feel so loved and cared for. Life certainly is difficult without our moms, I’m not sure I will ever get used to it.

I will keep clinging to the raft with you, I do wonder when we will start to feel better. You said it took about a year with your dad, I imagine it will take that or longer with mom, I am still so devastated. I think the initial shock has worn off but I am still so heart broken and can’t believe she’s gone and I will never get to tell her I love her again, just writing that makes me cry. I just try to keep thinking she is at peace with God and there’s no better place to be.

Our last meeting with the support group is next week so we decided to bring our pictures then. I know it will make me emotional but I will also be so proud to show them her picture, she was so beautiful and I will get to show her off a bit. Are you going to bring a picture of your mom to your group?

I’m off to bed now, again good luck tomorrow and don’t forget to breathe……and definitely grab yourself a treat after for braving through it. And of course don’t forget to let me know how it went.