I lost my mom

March 15

Hi Rachel and Aneta! Sorry I haven't written more this week. I've been keeping perhaps too busy and I've been very tired in the evening and have tried to go to bed earlier. Unfortunately, I've also been extremely sad lately. It's difficult to be living alone after all these years and to be missing Mom so much at the same time. I'm meeting people when I go out, but there hasn't really been anyone who seems interested in getting to know me more with the exception of one lady from church who works and has a family. So I have several people who I'm friendly with when I go to things, but there it ends. It is, I realize, early on as it takes time to build friendships. It's just making me feel very alone right now. I know I'm not really alone, but the feeling doesn't want to go away. Having analyzed myself, I'm knee-deep in feeling sorry for myself.

I went to hospice and they had a table they'd painted for me ready so I now have it by my computer and plan to put my new printer on it, so I don't have to run down into the basement to print on my old printer and computer anymore. That's the plan. Today I'm going to church, then to coffee at McDonald's to talk to Sheryl, the lady who was in Mom's Red Hat group, and there's a craft show and I have a doctor's appointment. I want her to check me over as I haven't been feeling extremely well. I want to make sure I'm okay before i start my cleaning project. I also decided I'm going to ask Father if I can advertise in the church bulletin for a helper, which will make the task easier for me and more fun. Another way to meet someone (please let it me a handsome man). No chance, I'm sure.

I have to stop here as I'm not ready for church and it's almost time to go out the door. Just wanted you to know that I'm clinging to our raft. Rachel, I did our Mom ceremonty this morning and I lost every time at bingo yesterday. I even lost the loser bingo. Talk to you soon. And I hope you have great days.

March 15

Rachel, just saw your note. I think the idea you had is a good one. I'm going to think on who I could get in touch with to say a prayer. My sister certainly and maybe one of my former work friends.

And thank you for being there/here for me. I will indeed talk to you more when I'm having my down times. You're very good at encouraging me. You're quite special. When I don't write something every day, I feel like I'm missing something. And then I think, oh yes, the raft I'm gripping! Not really forgotten, ever.

Now if I don't want to go half dressed to church, I must run. Thinking of you. We'll make it through this, Rachel. We will. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see it yet, but maybe there's a kink in the tunnel (Aneta, that's twist). I can go some time without crying now, but then I tend to get hit by a giant wave instead of smaller ones later. I'm not sure that's success. Take care! Try to do something fun today.

March 16

Hello Rachel and Andy

I apologize for not writing sooner, I have been quite busy and also had some health issues Probably caused by exhaustion and stress.

Rachel I’m so happy that you are bonding with your support group. And I can rely to you very well about the being withdrawn part. I also don’t laugh like I used to and when I do it’s not genuine happy laugh.

Andy that’s so nice for them to paint a table for you and that you can have your space with a printer and pc. I wish you good luck with the doctor appointment and I hope everything will be fine. I also wish you the nice handsome man!

I also have bigger waves of crying and sadness instead of small ones. I can go for a longer period of time without crying now and then I will completely break down.

I have been having issues with my brain keeps ,showing’ me( I don’t know how to explain) the last day with my mom and calling the ambulance and being in hospital and just her last day over and over and I just see her laying in hospital bed and stuff and it’s been really hard, I think I might have some trauma from the last day (obviously) but my brain just keeps reminding me and showing me that so at the moment I’m considering going to therapy for that as it brings me so much pain that it almost paralyzes me.

Yesterday I stayed at my mom’s cottage or holiday house and I got woken up by what sounded like my mom saying my nickname and it sounded like she wanted to wake me up. I woke up there was no noise nothing. So I wonder if I’m just simply going crazy or if it was my mom letting me know that she is there with me (she was at that cottage till her last day) I believe she was letting me know that she is there and that I don’t have to be scared (I was very scared being there overnight for the first time on my own. Before she passed we were always there together)

I hope you both have a nice day and holding tightly onto the raft.

March 17

Hi Andy and Aneta,

I hope you both had a good weekend, I went out for dinner and a movie with a few friends last night which was fun, it still takes a lot of effort for me to go out but I am trying hard. I find it takes so much energy to smile and try to laugh when I am sad but it’s also good for a distraction I guess. Today I just ran some typical Sunday errands, groceries etc and now have laundry and meal planning stuff to do.

Andy, I know what you mean when you say you feel alone, even though we aren’t alone but missing mom and not having her support is such a void in our lives. I also know it’s very hard to make friends as adults, everyone has a busy life and it’s not as easy as when you are kids. Most of the friends I have I met through work as an adult, I only have two friends from middle school still. I think you just need to keep staying busy and reaching out to acquaintances to meet for coffee occasionally and hopefully it can develop into a closer friendship.

I hope your doctors appointment went well, are you feeling better? I find grief takes a huge toll on us physically as well as emotionally. When mom first passed the exhaustion I felt was extreme but it’s finally starting to lift a bit. Some days the brain fog is so bad and I can’t concentrate. Grief is a difficult thing to process.

Please do talk to me when you are feeling down, I know it may take a few hours or even a day or two for me to get back to you but I think it will help to write out your feelings. I hope you reached out to your sister to let her know you may call or text when feeling sad. I actually had a moment after the grocery store this morning when I saw the woman’s world magazine (the grocery store really is our trigger) and texted my friend to say a prayer or encouraging words. In those moments it does help me to not feel so alone.

I hope we will make it through this, there are some days where I don’t think I will but I am trying to not lose hope.

Aneta, I’m so sorry to hear you haven’t been well lately, sending big hugs to you.

I know exactly how you feel about seeing your mom before she passed in your mind, I struggled with that too for a few weeks after mom passed and it was destroying me. I just kept picturing her after she passed lying in the hospital bed. I put 3 beautiful pictures of her on my dresser with the owl snow globe so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up and the last I see when I go to bed. I look at her picture when I talk to her or pray for her and it really helped change the image from my mind. Now when I think of her I see her healthy and beautiful, of course the sick images of her are still there but I really try to block them out. I hope you can try putting pictures by your bed and that can help you as I know how painful those images are.

I think the voice you heard at the cottage was your mom telling you she’s with you, it could have been a sign similar to what Andy and I have experienced. She’s always with you and wants you to be happy, easier said than done I know.

I hope you both have a good afternoon (not sure what time it is where you are Aneta) but a good day regardless and continue to swim hard and build the raft with me.

March 17

Aneta, I hope you feel better soon. Rachel and Aneta, the doctor thinks my not feeling great is all grief related, but she plans to keep an eye on me. She doesn't want some heart problem, etc. to be sneaking in without her knowing. She didn't do any tests though. She was very comforting, although the literature the nurse gave me was all about prolonged grief. Three months is not prolonged grief, for pity's sake. The doctor, however, did not talk about prolonged grief. I'm getting a new medicine for stress/anxiety to see if that helps, very low dose. The pharmacy hasn't called yet. I'm giving them until Tuesday.

My weekend has been okay. I went to a crafts show and won a prize - dish soap. Well, it was better than bingo, winning nothing and it came in a cute small pail. Then I went to the St. Patrick's Day parade on March 16, a day early. It was so windy everyone was almost blowing away. I was glad I was near kids as the people in the parade were throwing candy like crazy. I knew one lady, the mother of my neighbor, and she ran over and gave me some candy personally. I also managed to get two green necklaces before the kids got there. I offered them to the family there, but the mother said they had plenty. Then I flew home on my broom. Er, walked back to my car and was glad to get home and out of the wind. I do like being in the wind. I feel it's my friend, but it was chilly.

I, too, went to the grocery store, Rachel. I managed not to get too sad this time. Somehow I slipped under the Grief Radar system. I had a small list and just zoomed through the store and out the door. Then I got gas for the car. Now I'm home trying to get a few things done, when it dawned on me that I hadn't written to you two yet. Grief fog.

It's 35 F here today. What temperature do you have, Rachel and Aneta? First we're warmer weather and now we're cold again. The joys of spring. Aneta, do you mind telling me what country you're in? I'm just so curious I can hardly stand it. It's okay if you'd rather not. I have you pictured as living on a mountain top in Sweden.

It's so difficult to be hopeful right now, isn't it? If you two weren't having similar experiences, I'd think there was something wrong with me. My former co-worker who moved back to the area is in the category of friend, but she lives a 45-minute drive from me and her parents aren't very well, so she has her hands full. I've offered to help her if she needs it. And today, I approached the woman at church I had coffee/tea with and she was eager to get together with me again for a repeat performance of talking too long in a coffee shop. We're going to meet up again on a Saturday after Easter. That's something to look forward to.

You know I went to Missouri with my sister. Well, my nephew was just given his assignment for a many-weeks-long training for the National Park Service. We were all hoping for some exotic spot so we could visit him. Well, he's going to be in ....... Missouri. Right next to Illinois. At least it's not the same part of the state as my sister and I went to. No trip to Arizona, California, Washington, Florida, North Carolina. Sigh. At least we won't drive for days, just hours.

Ladies, have a good week. We WILL make it through this. Throw a couple more logs on the raft. Did anyone remember to get rope this weekend so we can tie the thing together? I think our last rope floated away in a grocery store high wave. The Moms are watching over us and God has not left us. He's still with us even if we might have trouble telling that. We've got to hang on. There is light ahead. It's not going to be the same, but it should be livable. We just might have some surprise blessings just down the road. We've got to keep going to reach them, so keep afloat, keep kicking and remember all we have to do is stretch anarm out to touch each other in the cold water to know we're not alone. We're solid. That is once you get to us across the Internet. See you Monday.

March 17

Aneta and Rachel, I'm writing this separate note as I was getting too long in the other one. Aneta, I agree with Rachel, that it could have been a message from your Mom. I'm willing to believe it after my radio messages and Rachel's messages. Of course some people will say you were dreaming, even so, it could have been a message. Hold it in your heart as such.

I believe I told Rachel once that I'd read an article where I woman said, "If you think it's a message, it is."

You talked about seeing your mother at the time of death. I made the mistake of being in the room when the hospice nurse washed Mom after she'd died. The nurse asked if I wanted to help, and I politely refused. I just felt like I should be there though and my sister wanted to be far away from that. Mom was so skinny she looked like a Pharaoh's mummy, not my 'mummy". I have that image of her arm in my head. I don't like it.

Right after she died, I put my hand near her neck, the warmest spot, and kept it there until the warmth faded. I shouldn't have done that, but it somehow comforted me. Now I feel like I felt her fade, but she was already gone to Heaven. That's another image right now I wish I didn't have, but I know later on it will be easier.

Post traumatic stress syndrome perhaps: grief can cause that, or so I've read in one of my numerous books. We can feel like warriors. We're battling something not very pleasant, something that's shocking to the system. We're upside down. Our lives are on earth are forever changed.

When I'm with other people, I'm somehow able to smile and not think too much about Mom. I do, however, feel like I put on a mask when I go out of the house. Still, I'm going out. So get out into the world, girls. We've got to do it. (I'm encouraging me, too.) I had to push myself out the door to go to the parade. It all seems rather pointless sometimes, but we have to. We are survivors and our moms expect to get through this.

And Aneta, very brave of you to go to the cottage. That's a great step. I cleaned out a pan the other day that we put some of Mom's things in. She used hit it with a wooden spoon to call me if I was out of the room. It made a nice bang. We are making small steps toward feeling better.

Aneta, try a night light at the cottage. What I mean by that is here we have small lights you plug in just for the night to softly light up the bedroom, hall or bathroom, or wherever you might want to go in the dark. I have one in my room in one in Mom's which is across a small hall from me. They helped me feel more relaxed and comfortable right after Mom died, and I'm still using them. I'm using two that have light bulbs not the kind that you plug in and the glow in the dark, but don't glow in the daylight. I wanted real light!

Take care! Don't sink trying to handle any big waves alone. Don't be like me. Write more when they hit. I'm going to try to sit and type through the tears!

March 18

Monday report. Church and coffee/tea with the coffee group and then trying to do a few things around the house. My sister called and talked for almost 2 hours. I didn't get much done then. I also took a trip to get my new medicine. I'll start it tomorrow night. If it bothers me, I don't want to find out when I'm driving for 45 minutes to my doctor's appointment tomorrow (don't worry - just a yearly women's checkup). I've had little bouts of sadness, but it hasn't been too bad. Rachel, how was your workday? Aneta, how was your day? Tomorrow I also have my grief group and church group meetings, so I may not be writing to you, my very important raftmates. I couldn't decide if raftmates should be one word or two, so since I'm of German heritage, I added the two words together as Germans are apt to do now and then or all the time. Have a peaceful evening everyone. I shall now cook supper. I'm really going to bed early tonight. No movie to watch until midnight. I admit it. I did that last night to find out who the killer was. I guessed it right. I, at some point during the movie, guessed it was each of the suspects, so I couldn't be wrong, could I? Good night! Our mission for tomorrow: two forced smiles and one real one!

March 19

Hi ladies,

My work day was long and somewhat busy, had a moment in the bathroom and cried for about 5 mins, texted two of my friends to let them know I was struggling and to say a prayer for me and they both responded quickly which helped me feel supported. I hate having those moments, you know the ones where you feel like you will always be sad and have nothing to look forward to but a life of sadness, I just feel so helpless and distraught.

Andy, I’m glad to hear your dr appt went well and the way you are feeling is grief related, I can certainly relate to feeling ill because of all this. Yes please do wait to take your new medication so you can make sure it doesn’t hit you too hard, it’s for stress and anxiety? Do you mind letting me know in a bit if it’s helping you? I feel like I could also use something to help take the edge off. Good luck at your yearly women’s check up, I know I always dread going to mine!

Sounds like you are staying busy which is great. I’m glad you had fun at the St. Patrick’s parade and didn’t blow away!

It’s -6 here today, I think winter is back in Canada! Bundle up if it’s still cold there!

Aneta, how are you feeling?

Had another breakdown tonight when I got home and I’m starting to wonder if I should go to my dr for some medicine for depression, I know grief and depression can present themselves very similarly but I just want to feel better. What do you ladies think?

I like the term raftmates as one word Andy. Hold on tight, Aneta you too!

Hope you both have a good evening and sweet dreams.

P.S. Andy, what movie were you watching? I love movies where you have to figure out who the killer is!

March 19

Hello Rachel and Andy,

Hope you are both doing well.

I’m doing a little better health wise. I just needed to sleep more so I’m really trying to go to bed early these days.

At the moment it is 32 degrees Fahrenheit where I’m from. It’s very sunny and springy. And Andy I’m from the Czech Republic (exactly in the middle of Europe underneath Germany Not so close to Sweden unfortunately.

Andy I’m amazed by how much you do for other people and how much you are helping other people. You have a lot on your plate but still do a lot of other. That is very nice of you.

Thank you for the recommendation on the light. So far I just let the TV go on at night but a little light is a great idea.

Rachel we are for sure going to make it through, I know it doesn’t seem like it but I’m sure we will.

I have already printed some pictures and put them in picture frames and put them in the bedroom and living room, I hope it will help me with the sick images.

Rachel I think it could be helpful to go see your doctor and have a conversation about types of medicine. SHe should be able to recommend something that could be beneficial for you, it doesn’t have to be a big dose or anything but something that could help you from day to day and help you relax a little bit. Or maybe Andy can share her experience with the medication she is starting to take?

Ladies I hope you are holding on because I know I’m holding on for dear life. And I also love the word raftmates (wrote it like 5 times and my phone kept changing it to two words so I’m not sure) but your German heritage sounds great, do you mind sharing more about that?

Have a nice evening!

March 22

Hi Andy and Aneta,

Another busy week of work done, it was hard but I made it through it. They are predicting a snow storm starting this afternoon so I’m about to head out to the store to grab a few things and some munchies as I will be home tonight shovelling snow and watching movies.

Had a few really sad days this week, I just miss mom so much it hurts. I ended up missing my grief support group this week as I had to work late as another nurse was sick but I am looking forward to going back next week. Andy are you still going to yours?

How are both of you feeling? Aneta I hope you were able to catch up on some sleep. I’m glad you were able to put some pictures of your mom up, hopefully that will help you with better memories, I know it’s extremely hard to get the sick images out of your mind but you will get there eventually.

I made an appt with my Dr on Monday to discuss how I’m struggling, I really hope she can help. Andy, if you don’t mind sharing, do you feel that your new medications are helping? Of course I understand if it’s too personal to discuss.

Anyways I just wasted to say hi and wish you both positive thoughts today and strength to hold onto our raft. I need to get going before the storm hits but I will be home tonight if either of you want to chat.

March 22

Hi! I'm on the bottom of the storm, Rachel. I've had a tiny bit of snow. It's 35 F. right now. It snows for five minutes and stops. Nothing much. I'm lucky I suppose, but I love snow. I went out and let the few flakes fall on me in case it's the last one for the season.

I'm still in my grief group. It will run into May. The last one was more like yours. We laughed a little, a few tears started here and there and almost everyone said something. I felt more comfortable this time and I think the others did, too. We also have a new female member.

I just found out I have an eye doctor appointment out of town on Monday at 8 a.m. It's an hour's drive. I'm going to add some fun to it by going out of my way on the way home to stop at an antique shop. If not that, I'm going to stop at the grocery store in that town as it's huge and they have all kinds of things I can't get at home. This all depends on how well I'm seeing after the doctor gets done with dilating my eyes. I may have to just head home.

You asked about my medicine, Rachel. I don't mind telling you. She gave me paroxetine generis for paxil. I'm taking it in the lowest dose. The doctor said it wouldn't affect me for at least 4 weeks. I haven't noticed any side effects other than a different headache than I usually get yesterday and it's still with me now and then today. That could be tension again. I'm making my jaw very tight lately. I'm in favor of getting our physical health checked out since the books keep telling me grief bombards the body. Apparently it's a very tiring thing, as well. Don't we know that!

You know I've tried a lot of things (maybe too much), but I feel it's good to be doing things. When I have days at home, I don't do what I've planned. I seem to end up just sitting and getting sad along with praying and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I've tried to give myself a couple of days to work around the house and plan to make myself do a few tasks at least. I actually cleaned the sink! Saturday, I'm usually not going out much, but most other days I at least get out for church. This coming Monday, the historical society that I joined is having its first meeting of the year, so I plan to attend. It's in the evening, so working folk can attend, too.

My Easter has gotten complicated, as I feared. My sister just told me the plan is to go to my niece's house in Minnesota (They're supposed to get a lot of snow today). I am, of course, invited along. Their dog hasn't met me and doesn't like strangers, so we'll have to get a motel room for me and my niece was told her baby could decide to be born at any time. I had a good cry over the situation. I don't want to spend Easter alone. It was a special time for Mom and I. However, the thought of being with at least five adults and a very jolly 2-year-old and a barking dog - well, I don't think I can handle it. They'll all be laughing and talking about all kinds of subjects and Mom probably won't be mentioned as no one will want to be sad, naturally. I know I'll want to cry and I won't be able to go anywhere. Sitting in a motel room crying just sounds awful. The problem is after the funeral the family was at an air bnb and they were watching a movie, laughing, etc. and I couldn't take it. The first night I went home. The second night I stayed there, but went to bed early. I do think I'll react the same way. My sister told me she was thinking this would bother her some as well, so she knew what I meant.

I'm the only one in my family who's having difficulty with this; my sister is grieving in a different way; and it seems that the others, so involved in their lives that naturally are going on at full speed, aren't having all that much trouble over this. I'm not saying they're not sad over Mom's passing on, but it's that they're very busy and didn't spend a great deal of time with her as they live so far away. Her departure didn't disrupt their lives.

Anyway, I had a good long cry over Easter and then decided staying here at home would be best this year. I can do my church duties and someone else wouldn't have to change their plans because I needed someone to fill in for me with little notice and I've come up with an off-the-diet meal of Swedish pancakes and one Cadbury egg that are things Mom liked.

My sister did ask if I was ever going to visit my niece's house and I said yes but not during this holiday. I asked if they'd all hate me and she said no. They'd understand. I can also see the baby being born and me definitely being in the way then. It's a 4 to 5 hours drive between my sister's house and my niece's and a 3 hour drive for me to get home from there. It was going to be a long drive on Monday for me to get home for my Tuesday meetings, too.

Well, I rambled on and may not have made sense as I'm getting ready to go to a church's soup dinner tonight. My ex-co-worker suggested it. This won't be as diet-wise as I'd like, but I'll do the best I can. I want to follow her suggestion as she has good ideas. Must run. I hope you both have a good weekend. Rachel, I did the mom ceremony today. It was quite lovely as I was up when it was still dark.

P.S. My computer stole a sentence from somewhere above and I don't know where it came from. I don't have time to find out. So if something doesn't make sense ... you've found the spot it should have been in.

March 23

Hi Andy,

We have about 20cms of snow and it’s -16, I’ve been out shovelling twice today, once early afternoon and once after dinner and my neighbour shovelled when she got home a few hours later. We have joined driveways so when we shovel we just shovel each others driveway too which works well.

My grief group also goes until May, I’m still really finding it helpful, I’m glad you are going. Aneta, have you been able to find one near you?

It sounds like you will have a nice day trip on Monday after your eye appt, I hope you find some nice treasures at the antique store and a few yummy treats at the grocery store.

Thanks for sharing about your medicine, do you mind if I ask what it’s for? Anxiety and stress?

I feel the exact same way you do about staying home, I feel so sad when I’m here alone. When I’m at work I’m go go go, of course mom is always in the back of my mind but when I’m home I’m not motivated to do much and just cry. Today I did manage to get a work out in (shovelling is also a work out!) but otherwise did nothing (I know the snow had something to do with it) but still. I sat around and watched movies and had crying spells, probably at least 5 of them. Everything just hits so hard when I’m home. Today was a bad day of thinking of all she went through with her treatments and how scared she must have been and it just broke me, I try to have positive thoughts but sometimes the negative ones just take over.

I understand your feelings about Easter and I completely get why you want to skip it. The thought of you sitting in a motel alone crying breaks my heart. As sad as it will be to miss it and spend Easter alone it might be the better option. I have to work Easter weekend but I will be on here to talk if you are lonely, I will make sure I check in. It’s a difficult situation but you have to do what’s right for you and I am also in that stage of still not wanting to be around all kinds of happy people while I am so sad, it just makes me feel worse.

I’m sure the grief of losing your mom does hit you harder as you lived with her, for sure that would. I too feel like the grief has hit me differently than my brother and sister but I truly believe I was the closest to mom of us 3, she was my best friend. I wonder when we will start to feel better.

I hope you had fun at the church’s soup dinner. Aneta I hope you are doing well.

Have a good night.

March 23

The sun is getting low in the sky and I've managed to swim with the raft through most of another day. A few tears have fallen, but I've watched TV, took a walk, fed the outside birds some different seeds than usual that squirrels aren't supposed to like (I don't think the birds like them either), ate, but didn't do any of the cleaning I meant to do. I did make three phone calls, also, so I talked to three people Yeah!

Rachel, weekends are the hardest. I feel I made the right decision about staying home over Easter. It just seemed overwhelming as I've not visited my niece's house before and I know everyone will be talking about their lives and good times and I honestly don't think I can handle it. No motel room crying for me. On top of all this, my niece thinks her baby is about to be born and then it will be chaos. Part of me would love to be there then, but I know really I'll just be adding to the crowd of people who will be there wanting to help. It'll be much nicer for me to visit after the holiday and after baby is born.

I believe the pill I'm taking is mainly for depression and should be helping the anxiety and stress as well. Wait, I'm going to look it up. It says it treats depression, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive problems, anxiety and post-traumatic stress syndrome and for other reasons. Yep, it said "for other reasons". I guessed pretty good.

One of the people I called today asked what I was doing for Easter. I told her and she was upset that I was going to be alone. I don't think she quite understood about the being with happy people problem but she's a very nice and caring woman and was very concerned about me. When I explained about the possible baby and me wanting to be home for my Tuesday meetings (I could skip the one, but hate to skip the grief meeting as I've already missed one), she was feeling better about it. It's so hard to explain that I just get a hollow, empty feeling and the everything begins to close in around me and I need to get away to cry. If I'm part of the conversation, then it's better. If I don't have to say anything, then it's awful. How would you describe how you feel in a crowd of happy people?

When my two Tuesday meetings are over, I'm going to attend a TOPS (Taking Pounds Off Sensibly) meeting. It's a group of women trying to lose weight. I don't plan to use their diet, but I can join, get weighed (ugh) and meet a apparently fun group of women. Two people have invited me to attend, so I'll have a Tuesday gap and can put that in my calendar.

I called a lady from the coffee group I've joined to see if she wanted to drive with me to the eye doctor and then to the antique store on Monday. She'd offered to drive me because of dilating my eyes. I got to thinking she might have offered to giver herself something to do. Well, she decided that she'd have to get up too early as I have an 8 a.m. appointment and it's an hour away. So, we decided to go on another adventure soon (she goes to the same doctor I do).

Rachel, I did the ceremony and just cried a little. I do think we're making progress, but I don't feel like I am. It's lonely and miserable without Mom no matter how many people are around me. I was sorry to hear you're working the Easter weekend, but in a way I envy you. I've decided to go to every Easter-related service, so that means, Thursday evening, Friday afternoon, Saturday night (a long one, but we usually get to light a candle) and then Sunday. My goodness. Just writing it makes me tired. It's really interesting though. If you ever get a chance to attend a Catholic service around Easter time, it's a good time to do so. Things happen that we just do once a year, such as the priest washing a select group of people's feet. (This is not a recruitment announcement).

I have an idea, what do you think about each of us writing something funny or light-hearted about our moms. We talk about our moms a lot here and I'd like to get to know your moms better. Whatever we're up to mentioning - tears optional. We should probably keep it to pleasant memories that won't be a knife-jab to the hearts of the one writing. Let me know what you think. We could include one each time we write and/or whenever we remember something.

My mom played the organ at church for more than 50 years. In the old church that was torn down, there was a choir loft. The loft had two corners toward the opening looking down on the people. The corners had wooden caps over them, so that they looked like a cowboy fort in West of the wild, wild USA. When I was little, of course, I found the fort to be perfect for Davy Crockett, the hero of a Wild Disney television series. He was also a real person from Tennessee who died at the Alamo in Texas. I found playing around the "fort" a lot more interesting than Mass. I think I might have been more than a little distracting to poor Mom who was trying to play something else - the music for the Mass.

Have a good Sunday! The new church doesn't have a choir loft so I won't embarrass myself.

March 24

I lost my mother on February 26, 2024, and it still breaks my heart everyday to wake up and not hear her voice. My mom and I were extremely close. She was a single mother that worked 2 jobs at times trying to provide. She did an amazing job at raising me to be independent. On Christmas Eve she suffered a heart attack. Shortly after that she had 2 stents and an aortic valve replacement. She coded on the surgery table, but they were able to resuscitate her. She was in ICU for a total of 31 days. She was released and re-admitted 2 days later, now needing a blood transfusion. She was then in the hospital for 3 days. Another 3 days later, back in ICU. She had CHF, and now had contracted pneumonia, which led to sepsis, and why not throw in C-DIFF at the same time? It was a roller-coaster. I would jump at every phone call. Review her lab work every morning at 5am. She was doing better, worse, better, then worse. I was with her every single day in the hospital, sometimes being requested to leave because it was past visiting hours. I had just left her room because they were going to do a procedure to remove fluid from her lung. I said, "Mom, I'll be right back. Everything will be okay." She had slightly opened her eyes and shook her head up and down. 20 minutes later I received the call while in the waiting room. I needed to come quickly because the doctor wanted to speak with me. As I ran to the elevator, kept pressing the button to go up, all I could think of was her condition. The elevator finally got me to the second floor and I ran down the hall and back into the ICU. I was absolutely devastated to see multiple nurses surrounding her and my mom nearly upside down. The doctor said, "It was just as I expected, it was blood in her lungs and there is nothing else we can do." What? I just left her and told her everything would be okay! I was in that hospital room with my mom, alone, and watched her pass right in front of me. I felt horrible. I lied to her. I told her it would be okay and it wasn't. Why did it take nearly 2 months for them to figure all of this out? Why did they not treat the 60% blockage in her artery back in 2021 when they discovered it? How could this be happening? She was amazing to everyone. She would stop and talk to anyone, just random conversations. And now I was alone, with my mother dying right in front of me. I still can't get the moment out of my head, and I don't think I ever will. See my mother and I have always been close. The only time we lived apart during my 41 years of life was when I moved out for a year, and even then I was just right across the courtyard. My mother was my rock, my best friend. I would call her every morning break even though I had just seen her 3 hours prior. She would text me and send me messages on social media every day. The moment I walked through the door, she just wanted to talk. Every day I cry. I would give anything to have just one more day with her. I make sure to talk to her still, and I don't want that to ever go away. I knew losing her would be devastating, I just wasn't prepared for it to be this soon.

March 24

I am so sorry for your loss, what you're describing sounds so much liike my relationship with my older sister, I lost her nearly two years ago, we talked every day, I was her caregiver and we were best friends, she was there all my life.

It was so hard not knowing who to tell the little things of the day to, who to cook for or bring takeout to, and when I told my pup and he got it...that was so hard.

My heart goes out to you.
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

March 24

KayC,

So sorry to hear about your loss and thank you for joining in with us. Your pup understood? That would be very difficult to go through to handle your own hurt and then to know that your pup was also distressed. We're crying and struggling, but determined to make our mothers proud of us by carrying on. I, for one, don't seem to want to do the things I enjoyed before, but haven't replaced them with new things I like to do around the house. While I'm getting out into the world quite a bit I'm more of a stay-at-home type), the quieter times at home can be daunting. What are some of the things you've done that have helped you?

March 24

NicVal,

Having had both of my parents, at different times, in the hospital for serious things, I read your account with increased horror. I was fortunate in that they survived their ordeals. My father, for example, had heart surgery and was in intensive care for 3 months. It's nightmare and I was able to wake up happy; you are still in it.

Both Rachel and I lost our mothers just before Christmas 2023. Much the same thing has been happening to us, but I think Rachel can talk about her situation better than I can. As for me, I'm still crying every day. I can't go to the grocery store without wanting to cry. It's a minefield for me. I see all the things I used to buy for Mom and my heart aches, my eyes water.

I'd lived with Mom for ages and now I'm alone, My sister lives a 3-hour drive from me and her children are much further away. I'm the only one at what I call "ground zero". Mom was under hospice care and died peacefully at home. She was 102, but I can tell you knowing your mother has lived a long, good life does not make it any easier. I am thankful for every minute I had with her. She was my friend, my travel buddy, the only person I could tell all to. Now there's nothing.

I don't know your beliefs, but I'm Catholic and know deep down that Mom is now with Dad in Heaven and they are in utter bliss. A book I have talked about people at a funeral saying "She's in a better place now" and the author wanting to scream "but I'm not!" When you've spent a lot of time with someone and loved them dearly, there's no easy way forward. We're doing one step at a time and sliding 3 steps back, but try to move ahead slowly.

You and KayC are very welcome to join us in the ocean. We hears that grief is like an ocean (I believe it was in one of my many books on the subject) - sometimes the waves are gentle and at other times the waves are huges and wash over you with their power. You have to learn to swim. Well, Rachel and I compared notes and we'll never by Olympic swimmers, so while we're in this ocean, we're building a raft and we're hanging onto it and each other when those strong waves wash over us. Please join us both of you and anyone else reading what we're writing. It helps healing to know others are going through the same thing. And we help each other. We find different things that help us and we share them. By golly, some of them work for all of us.

I knew early-on that I needed to get out of the house. I've pushed myself to go to things - a grief support group, a craft hour once a week with hospice, a Lenten program at church, antique shows, two short trips with my sister, an early morning coffee group at McDonald's, etc. Some things I may not be my cup of tea normally, but they're all helping me in that I feel good that I'm trying new things. I'm also going to church more. My priest suggested it and I thought I'd better make an appearance now and then. I actually am finding it comforting and pleasant at 7 a.m. Not many people there.

I'm glad to meet both of you. Sorry to meet you because you've lost someone and are in the some ocean that I am. And NicVal, try not to dwell on telling your mother she'd be okay. She understands. It was spoken with love. I told both of my parents it was okay if they felt it was time for them to go, and they went. The one time they listened to me! Well, you know they did listen to me more than that. And it was a lie: I didn't want them to go and it wasn't okay as far as I was concerned, but it was important they knew they could move on and not linger on because they were worried about something or someone.

I've talked too much. Grab a piece of driftwood and cling to the raft.

March 25

6 hours ago, AMills said:

NicVal,

Having had both of my parents, at different times, in the hospital for serious things, I read your account with increased horror. I was fortunate in that they survived their ordeals. My father, for example, had heart surgery and was in intensive care for 3 months. It's nightmare and I was able to wake up happy; you are still in it.

Both Rachel and I lost our mothers just before Christmas 2023. Much the same thing has been happening to us, but I think Rachel can talk about her situation better than I can. As for me, I'm still crying every day. I can't go to the grocery store without wanting to cry. It's a minefield for me. I see all the things I used to buy for Mom and my heart aches, my eyes water.

I'd lived with Mom for ages and now I'm alone, My sister lives a 3-hour drive from me and her children are much further away. I'm the only one at what I call "ground zero". Mom was under hospice care and died peacefully at home. She was 102, but I can tell you knowing your mother has lived a long, good life does not make it any easier. I am thankful for every minute I had with her. She was my friend, my travel buddy, the only person I could tell all to. Now there's nothing.

I don't know your beliefs, but I'm Catholic and know deep down that Mom is now with Dad in Heaven and they are in utter bliss. A book I have talked about people at a funeral saying "She's in a better place now" and the author wanting to scream "but I'm not!" When you've spent a lot of time with someone and loved them dearly, there's no easy way forward. We're doing one step at a time and sliding 3 steps back, but try to move ahead slowly.

You and KayC are very welcome to join us in the ocean. We hears that grief is like an ocean (I believe it was in one of my many books on the subject) - sometimes the waves are gentle and at other times the waves are huges and wash over you with their power. You have to learn to swim. Well, Rachel and I compared notes and we'll never by Olympic swimmers, so while we're in this ocean, we're building a raft and we're hanging onto it and each other when those strong waves wash over us. Please join us both of you and anyone else reading what we're writing. It helps healing to know others are going through the same thing. And we help each other. We find different things that help us and we share them. By golly, some of them work for all of us.

I knew early-on that I needed to get out of the house. I've pushed myself to go to things - a grief support group, a craft hour once a week with hospice, a Lenten program at church, antique shows, two short trips with my sister, an early morning coffee group at McDonald's, etc. Some things I may not be my cup of tea normally, but they're all helping me in that I feel good that I'm trying new things. I'm also going to church more. My priest suggested it and I thought I'd better make an appearance now and then. I actually am finding it comforting and pleasant at 7 a.m. Not many people there.

I'm glad to meet both of you. Sorry to meet you because you've lost someone and are in the some ocean that I am. And NicVal, try not to dwell on telling your mother she'd be okay. She understands. It was spoken with love. I told both of my parents it was okay if they felt it was time for them to go, and they went. The one time they listened to me! Well, you know they did listen to me more than that. And it was a lie: I didn't want them to go and it wasn't okay as far as I was concerned, but it was important they knew they could move on and not linger on because they were worried about something or someone.

I've talked too much. Grab a piece of driftwood and cling

AMills, thank you so much for your insight. I love the analogy. It's been hard to go anywhere, but I know it's important to get out of the house now and again. Tonight my oldest daughter, my aunt, and myself, went to have dinner at a place my mom loved. We talked about a lot, but by the end of dinner I was crying again. I know it will take time, but I think it will always hurt. Today we had a flash flood warning, out of the blue it was hailing like crazy, then came the loud thunder (which I happen to love). It reminded me of what my mom told me when I was younger. That noise you hear is grandma and grandpa bowling and getting a strike. I know she's now with her mom and dad in a place where there are no worries, no violence, no pain, only peace. But, you are absolutely right, she's in a better place, but I'm not. I started going to church more often, and even there I cry. Cry at the movies, cry at the grocery store, cry at dinner, cry alone, cry in the shower, cry in the stores, crying is all I seem to do lately. Tomorrow we will be picking up my mom from the crematorium. She will finally be back home. She always said she didn't want to be buried and she didn't want anyone crying over her, but how could you not? She was amazing and everyone was her "friend". We often made jokes saying are they really your friend, or just someone you talk to when you're in that store? She wanted a big bbq and a celebration of life. I'm just not there yet to have that event and I'm not in a rush either. My mom will be home and that's what matters. Maybe in a couple months it will be a little easier. I wanted to thank you for responding. I don't know anyone that lost their parent recently.

While I can swim, I don't know if I have that energy yet, so I will be pulling up that piece of driftwood and will hang on.

March 25

20 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss, what you're describing sounds so much liike my relationship with my older sister, I lost her nearly two years ago, we talked every day, I was her caregiver and we were best friends, she was there all my life.

It was so hard not knowing who to tell the little things of the day to, who to cook for or bring takeout to, and when I told my pup and he got it...that was so hard.

My heart goes out to you.
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

KayC, you're absolutely right. I have a glass jar that is full of tea because that's all my mom would drink. What am I going to do with all this tea and sugar? When the doctor told me she had to reduce her sodium intake I went through the pantry and removed so much food and replaced it with low sodium, no salt added. While I will still use it, who do I cook for now? Little things remind me of her, coupons to a restaurant, the specific tea, thunder, arts and craft shows, certain movies, her favorite song. I almost don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I appreciate you responding. While I wouldn't wish this feeling upon anyone, it's comforting to know there are others that can relate to the pain I am feeling.

March 25

It is funny you mention that because I got my sister's tea when she died and have a bowl full on my table now. I don't drink it as often as I should and need to go through it.

I love the analogy of the ocean and hanging onto the piece of driftwood, yes, grief is just like that. So hard to navigate in the beginning! I lost my husband on Father's Day nearly 19 years ago, I was totally cast adrift, not even driftwood to hang onto. Yet somehow I've managed all these years alone...

I wrote this at about ten years out after being on grief sites all these years and reading thousands of posts by others going through it...no rhyme or reason, no timeline, but I hope these tips will be of help to you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually.
Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
Try not to isolate too much.
There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever.
Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it".
Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.
Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay.
Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

March 26

Hi Andy,

I agree with you, the weekends are definitely the hardest, just more time to think and miss them I guess, well I miss mom every second of every day but she’s more at the front of my thoughts on the weekends for sure. I agree that Easter sounds like it would be very overwhelming for you so I also think you are making the right choice. I feel the same about being around happy people when I am sad and how hard that is to try to put a smile on my face and act like I am ok, almost makes me feel sadder. The saying misery loves company is definitely true, it’s not that I want people to be miserable but knowing others feel the same way I do gives me comfort that I am not alone.

I am glad you will be going to so many Easter related services, I am actually Catholic as well and have been to many over the years growing up. They are beautiful services.

I love your idea for us to write something about our moms - my mom loved to walk (she didn’t have a drivers license as she was too afraid to drive) and I remember her walking to the corner store all the time when I was a kid, if we ran out of something she needed for dinner she would run over. I still remember one day in the middle of winter we went and it was freezing (good old Canadian winters!) and although she was wearing a hat she said her ears were cold. She ended up carrying me while she walked and I put my hands with my mittens over her ears to keep them warm, I will never forget that. It was a fond memory we shared and every so often when she would say good night or tell me she loved me she would cover her ears with her hands, it was kind of our thing. I miss that so much now. I know you said a story with tears optional and it’s a happy one but of course has made me tear up. Honestly I can’t really talk about mom without tearing up. I love her so much, she honestly is the best person I know.

I hope you had a good day, I have a busy one tomorrow of work and the support group.

Aneta, I hope you are doing well.

March 27

KayC and Nicval I’m so sorry for both of your losses.
Nicval I completely understand how you feel, my mom was also my best friend and I also struggled with the images of her sick after she passed. Something that helped me with that was putting pictures of her when she was healthy on my dresser so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up and go to bed, it has helped ease those terrible images from my mind.

I wish I had the words to make you feel better but unfortunately I don’t as I am struggling too, all I can say is our moms are at peace now, no more suffering for them. I know nothing can take the sadness in your heart away right now.

Big hugs to you

March 27

KayC,

Thank you for the tips. My daughter and I both agreed to start Zumba again next week. This week is extremely hectic with appointments. Zumba was something I absolutely loved to do and stopped because I was caring for my dad after work when my mom no longer could. My mom was always so caring for others, even when they did her wrong (my father was a horrible, abusive husband and father). Even up until the day she was re-admitted she was so concerned about how her illness was impacting my life. I thought really mom? Out of all the times you've cared for me, my children, and your horrible ex-husband, and you're concerned over a few days of me caring for you? No way! I wish I had the opportunity to care for her more. She deserved that, but I know that's not what she wanted.

My children and I went to pick up my mom's remains yesterday, and while it was heartbreaking, I'm glad she's home now. She was a donor, so the entire process took a bit longer. The company we went through said they could deliver her remains, but I said no. She was going to be picked up in the suv I had just bought for her before she passed and we were going to crank up the music she loved and listen to it the entire way.

I do find that when it's finally quiet, dogs are all asleep, everyone's been fed, and it's now time to relax, that's when it hits me again. The crying, the anger, the hurt. I know it will take time, and like you wrote, grief may not end, but it evolves. I'm taking that into consideration.

Today I was told by my bestfriend that our coworker lost his mother on Saturday. He had just signed a sympathy card for my mom, not even realizing he was going to be in the same situation weeks later. It's crazy how quickly we can lose a loved one. This loss has taught me a lot. To let go of the little things, don't be so negative and upset (when you live in So California its easy to become frustrated with traffic, rude people, horrible drivers, etc), don't hold grudges because you don't know if those will be your last words to that person, enjoy life, enjoy family, make memories with my children. Before this it was always work, work, work, 6 days, sometimes 52+ hours a week. Not anymore. I need to survive, but I also need to remember that I can't get time back. These moments are precious and I don't want to look back and be disappointed in my decisions.

March 27

RachelSH,

Thank you so much. We recently put up a memorial table in our living room with my mom's over the top slot machine urn, she loved Las Vegas and I wanted it to reflect what SHE loved, along with pictures of her when she wasn't sick, and also some decorations with quotes and bible versus. We are going to also do a small memorial area in our backyard where she also loved to spend time. She had a green thumb, something that wasn't passed down because I can barely manage a succulent. I think the photos help a lot. All the great memories she helped create.

March 29

Hello everyone! I'm still around. I've been having a week where I didn't want to go near the computer. I can't explain it because I love being on the computer and talking to you.

Rachel, our mothers are in Heaven laughing at me right now. I sung my "Adoro Te Devote" and added a third verse to it in Latin and I was terrible. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

I'm making this short as I have a church service in 45 minutes and I'm not ready. I had my first meeting with a grief counselor. And I see her again next week. She gave me homework. I told her I couldn't make myself do any housework, so now I have to use a timer and take 15 minutes at a time to work on the dusting, etc. We'll see how I do.

Now I must get going. I hope we can all have a nice Easter. Remember our loved ones still love us. They're not in those graves or urns. They really are in a better place. Augh. I said those words. We all know the better place is back here with us as far as we're concerned. Still, it pays to remember they are in bliss. We're in, er, well, you know.

Almost forgot - those tips were marvelous! Thank you.

Let's get that raft built. The water is cold and we keep getting hit in the face with waves. More later .... from me and probably from the waves.

Rachel, I enjoyed your story about your mother. What a lovely memory. I'm very sorry I didn't get the chance to know her.

March 29

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to send a quick message that I’m still here. I just had a tough and busy week and when I had a bit of free time I spent it crying and not being able to write anything.
I’m going to bed now as it is almost midnight here but I promise I’ll write more tomorrow evening.
I hope you are all hanging onto the raft and spending Easter in peace.
I’m sending you all a hug and positive energy.

goodnight

March 29

I’m just on a break at work and wanted to say hi to everyone - Andy, I’m glad you gave our moms a good laugh but I’m sure they also loved it at the same time. I did our candlelight ceremony this morning before work.

How was your meeting with the grief counselor? Is this person different than a regular therapist?

I’m glad you enjoyed my story about my mom, I know everyone says this but my mom truly was the kindest, most loving person with a huge heart. She was just so innocent and sweet and everyone who met her loved her. She’s my best friend, even though she’s not here she’s still my best friend and I talk to her everyday and tell her that. I miss her so much and holidays are hard so I am kind of glad I had to work this long weekend to stay distracted.

I hope everyone else is getting by ok. Happy Easter to all!

Hi Aneta, I just saw your reply, big hugs back to you, I’m sorry to hear you had a rough week, keep a tight hold on the raft.

Looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow

March 31

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all having pleasant Easter holiday, even though holidays are very hard to go through after losing someone.

I have just spent two weekends away and that’s why I didn’t really have time to respond on here. It was nice to get away but I think I prefer being at home more as I can cry whenever I want to and be quiet when I want to. When I’m with friends I feel like I need to keep the mood up and be happy and that is very tiring sometimes.

Rachel and Andy I’ve loved the stories about your moms, it’s clear that our moms were really the nicest people. I laughed and I cried at your stories and I hope I’ll make you smile or laugh with mine as my mom was a very funny person, I spent my whole life with her laughing endlessly.

I have a sister and she has a different dad than I do (step sister? Half sister? I don’t know the right English phrase for that) and when I was little I thought adopted and step sister were synonymous and meant the same thing. So unintentionally I announced to everyone around me that my sister was adopted. And that gossip spread quiet quickly 😀 my friends told their moms and their moms went to my mom congratulating her for adopting a child (adoption was a rare thing around the 2000s) and for the longest time my mom couldn’t figure out why people think that she adopted a child until one day we had a loong conversation about what adoption and step sister mean. And we would laugh about this situation all the time. I wasn’t the brightest kid was I 😀

NicVal

I’m very sorry for your loss. I have read your story with tears and I’m sorry about what you had to endure with the hospitals.

I would love to tell you that it will get better but I myself am not there yet.

I have also lived with my mom and she was literally my best friend.

And I’m glad you got to bring your mom home. My mom also didn’t want to be buried and it felt ,nice’ to bring her home.

Its sad that we meet at such heartbreaking situation but I’m glad you are here as this page has already helped me a lot to know I’m not alone and to hear from people that I can relate to.

Rachel and Andy how are you doing?

April 1

Hope everyone's Easter was great. It was a bit difficult for me. I didn't want to go anywhere and just wanted to stay home, but I gathered all the energy I had and made it to church. I find comfort there. Our Easter dinner wasn't the same as when my mom was here. No turkey, prime rib, or ham. My family was lucky enough I put something in the crockpot. I've come to the conclusion that it will never be the same. My mom enjoyed ccooking huge feasts, I just want something easy with minimal dishes being used. My mom made sure there were so many different choices, potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, Hawaiian rolls, there were so many. Today the choice was rice or noodles. That's it. Take it or leave it. My mom was always the one that held everyone together. She was the glue. When I would stress out, she'd say, don't worry about it. It will all be okay, as I'm frantically thinking of a million things that need to be done at the same time. I admired her so much. She could talk to anyone and they would soon be known as her "friend". She cared for everyone and had the patience of a Saint. It's been hard for my daughter, she's 15 and is on the spectrum. She has so many questions and she will text each family member and ask their opinion on certain topics like heaven, angels, etc. I'm glad she's keeping my mom's memory alive.

The stories about our moms seem to be similar. My mom had a way of making everyone laugh and was so sweet. She was exactly what this world needs.

20 hours ago, Aneta said:

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all having pleasant Easter holiday, even though holidays are very hard to go through after losing someone.

I have just spent two weekends away and that’s why I didn’t really have time to respond on here. It was nice to get away but I think I prefer being at home more as I can cry whenever I want to and be quiet when I want to. When I’m with friends I feel like I need to keep the mood up and be happy and that is very tiring sometimes.

Rachel and Andy I’ve loved the stories about your moms, it’s clear that our moms were really the nicest people. I laughed and I cried at your stories and I hope I’ll make you smile or laugh with mine as my mom was a very funny person, I spent my whole life with her laughing endlessly.

I have a sister and she has a different dad than I do (step sister? Half sister? I don’t know the right English phrase for that) and when I was little I thought adopted and step sister were synonymous and meant the same thing. So unintentionally I announced to everyone around me that my sister was adopted. And that gossip spread quiet quickly 😀 my friends told their moms and their moms went to my mom congratulating her for adopting a child (adoption was a rare thing around the 2000s) and for the longest time my mom couldn’t figure out why people think that she adopted a child until one day we had a loong conversation about what adoption and step sister mean. And we would laugh about this situation all the time. I wasn’t the brightest kid was I 😀

NicVal

I’m very sorry for your loss. I have read your story with tears and I’m sorry about what you had to endure with the hospitals.

I would love to tell you that it will get better but I myself am not there yet.

I have also lived with my mom and she was literally my best friend.

And I’m glad you got to bring your mom home. My mom also didn’t want to be buried and it felt ,nice’ to bring her home.

Its sad that we meet at such heartbreaking situation but I’m glad you are here as this page has already helped me a lot to know I’m not alone and to hear from people that I can relate to.

Rachel and Andy how are you doing?

April 1

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone had a good Easter, I worked all weekend but am off today and am having dinner at my sisters with her husband and kids and my dad and brother (I missed the bigger family dinner with aunts and uncles due to work but I was ok with it, I’m not sure I’m up for all that just yet).

Aneta, your story about your sister being “adopted” is cute, it’s funny as my sister and I don’t really look alike (my sister and brother have my dads looks and I look like my mom) and my sister used to tell me I was adopted when I was little, she would always say how her and my brother looked alike and I was the odd one out so I was adopted. I remember crying to my mom and her reassuring me I wasn’t adopted.

NicVal I know what you mean when you say holidays will never be the same as I feel the same way. My mom was like yours with cooking, she always made such a huge meal, spent all day cooking and she loved every minute of it. Also there’s no better cooking than a moms.

Our moms all sound like they were the kindest women and we should all be so grateful we were all so blessed with them. I just miss my mom so much it literally hurts. I don’t know when this pain will start to ease but I feel like it never will. I just keep praying for God to take care of her and to help me get through this.

Andy, how was your weekend?

April 3

I lost my mom a year ago. It was unexpected ... suddenly.

She started to lose her appetite. After a month of not eating much, I took her to the ER. Doctors took her some tests and they told me she needed surgery immediately for something in her gut. When they finished, they told me they fixed the problem in her gut but they discovered colon cancer, phase 4.

I was shocked.

She needed to recover from her surgery to start chemotherapy. But she never could. Her weight and cancer cells didn't allow her.

After 2 months hospitalized and 3 surgeries, she got septicemia.

I feel life took her from me. I wasn't ready. I miss her so much. Yesterday was the 3rd time I dreamt of her, but the 1st time that she was alive, laughing and hugging me in my dreams.

Now, I have gut disease, and I am so tired. I want to feel ok. I hate feeling sick and sad, even though I hang out with my friends and family, but my guts in a pain in the ass since August 2023.

April 3

A friend of mine had cancer in her lymp nodes and breast, a specialist oncologist told her to go on Keto immediately, she got over the cancer and got a clean bill of health.

I've also been doing it, it has healed my IBS, reversed my Diabetes, Fuch's Dystrophy of the Corneas, my triglycerides are excellent and my HDL for the first time in years, got off statins, diabetes Rxs, etc. Too much to name. I'm never going off of it and love it. You might consider it, just saying.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mom, mine has been gone 10 years, it's very hard to go through.

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

April 3

Good morning (or whatever time you're in "Good Something"! I've just discovered that my messages that I have "I lost my Mom" announcements is going into spam. I'll be sure to look there each day so I don't miss anything.

Rachel, I'd decided I couldn't face all the happy faces and did indeed stay at home. I had some frozen Swedish pancakes, as mentioned earlier, and I was ready to have a nice Mom's favorite meal. Then Mike (my late best friend's husband) invited me out to brunch. We had a very pleasant time after waiting 45 minutes for our table. We were lucky as several people walked out they'd waited so long.

It's snowing here, but it's not sticking to the pavement. It makes a good fill-in for all the times I got wet in the rain yesterday: went to church in rain, went to crafting at hospice in lots of rain, left in more rain and then went to my grief support group (well, you all are my favorite support) in rain again. Coming home in the rain, I stopped at the grocery and left in the snow. I still looked like a half-drowned long-short-haired dog that had been out in the rain. My hair was a disaster.

Also, Rachel, it's really too early for my new pill to be working, but I'm feeling slightly calmer. Had a big cry yesterday, but I had a couple of days when I didn't cry. That worried me. I guess I can't be pleased. I know what you're talking about - the pain that never goes away and just sits there waiting to strike. It almost got me again in the grocery store.

Rachel, I've decided to tackle a novena for us. A novena is usually a set of prayers you do for nine days. The one I'm attempting is 9 months. It covers St Mary's pregnancy and goes all the way to Jesus' birth on Christmas. I'm praying this for us and anyone else who's mourning. Ordinarily, I would say anything about it. But I thought you needed to know that even though we can't get together and feel so hollow, some action is being taken. We're worth 9 months. I also thought it was a pretty neat thing to do. It's title is "The Impossible Novena". Not very encouraging is it?

I haven't written as I had some eye trouble. There was a bright spot in my left eye that wouldn't go away. My local eye doctor could see me for 2 days and my retina doctor's staff told me it had to be related to the retina. However, they gave me the name of a doctor at an eyeglass place and I went there. They took photos of my eyes and when the big flash of light hit my eye, the spot went away. It was very, very, weird. The doctor checked my eye anyway and said all was well. In the shape we're in, I was a basket case (Aneta, if you're reading this, that's a nervous mess).

So, let's keep building our raft, pushing it along in that rough ocean that's around us. I read (here I go again, that we could probably be making progress toward feeling better and not realize it. It's a slow process. We're never going to feel the same as we did when the moms were with us, but with them praying for us we're going to make it. The pain will ease, but truthfully, I think I'm going to always have that ache now and then. I just don't know where I'm headed. I haven't found my new niche. I'm tying another log, pine, I think, to the raft with rope that I got my foot stuck in during the last high wave. So let's hang on and keep trying to swim. Better days are around the corner, but they're not going to be with the one person I want to have with me. Part of me asks, will they really be better? However, grab my hand, Rachel. They'd want us to move forward and we're not leaving them behind. We can do both things - have them in our hearts and head into that new (I hate the word) normal, our new abnormal.

How is your dad doing? I think about him now and then. This must be very difficult for him, too.

April 4

Hi everyone,

I had my grief support group tonight which is really helping me, we are all bonding quite well and now all hug at the end and cry together, it’s just very comforting. I’m so glad I joined, these groups are run by such caring people.

Andy, I’m glad you were able to get out with a friend over the weekend, I completely understand you skipping Easter as I feel the same way about being around a bunch of happy people, it’s just too much right now. I’m sure in time we will be ok with it but not just yet.

We’ve had similar weather here too, last night it was raining so hard and the wind was whipping around so loudly that it woke me up. Then it rained all day and when I drove to my support group tonight at the red lights I could feel the wind shaking my car a bit. Then when I left the group it was snowing, actually still is and it’s blowing around like crazy. Wouldn’t it be nice for it to keep blowing right off my driveway so I don’t have to shovel tomorrow morning? Wishful thinking I know.

Please keep me updated on your medication and if you notice a difference, I am thinking of asking my dr for help too. I am still crying everyday, some days are worse than others but I don’t think you need to be worried if you skip a day of crying, maybe that’s a good sign that you are starting to heal a bit? Let’s hope at least. And watch out for that grocery store, it’s one of our triggers!!

Thank you so much for the prayers you will do, that’s such a lovely gesture.

Of course we will keep building the raft, I’m having a bit of trouble lately but I’m trying to add to it and avoid the waves. I just honestly am scared that I will never be happy again and all I have to look forward to is sadness. One of my friends has said I will be happy but it will be a different type of happy but I really don’t know. I feel so hopeless right now, losing mom has been the worst pain of my life. But Andy you are right, our moms are looking down at us and wanting us to be happy and move on with life.

I think my dad is ok, thanks so much for asking. He is like us where he has “good” and bad days, on the bad days he will call and talk about her with me and he’s emotional. Then on better days he just calls to chat and doesn’t mention her. He’s trying so hard to be strong but my heart is broken for him as I know how much he loved her and how shocked he was at her death (as I mentioned before it wasn’t expected). My dad has never been a very emotional person but he sure is now and I’m glad he’s leaning on me for support but what really makes me sad is whenever I leave his place or he leaves if he’s visiting here he tears up, he tries to hide it but I see it. I tell him I love him and I will see him soon and to call any time or if he needs anything but seeing him like that is heartbreaking.

On that note I’m off to bed, another long day of work awaits me. I hope everyone is doing ok.

April 5

Rachel,

I'm having a crying day myself and it feels as if I can't stop. I just want her home and nothing else really seems important right now. Obviously crying can out run my medication! I did our ceremony and then the house just seemed so empty. The big waves came crashing down. It reminded me of something I read. The man said he wanted to help other people with their grief, people who hadn't learned how to breathe under water yet. I guess that's us.

It sounds like your dad is having similar feelings to what we're going through. I'm sure your support and love are making it easier for him, but as we know, when you want a particular person and that's impossible, then it just plain hurts.

I'm going to have a late breakfast and then go to the historical society. They need help with things in their basement. That will get me out of the house and doing something for a bit. I tried to sleep late and skipped church and the coffee group. That's probably what threw me into the waves. I went off schedule, but I know I need more sleep. I'll just keep trying.

I hope you can have a good day today and over the weekend. That raft is going to get finished and we'll still be in the water, but we'll have something to hold onto. Keep trying to swim, Rachel, and I will, too. We will make. It's just not going to be easy for us. I wonder if it is for anybody? Hang on. The pain will dull and we'll be able to enjoy memories of our moms without crying. It hasn't really been that long. It's just so hard sometimes. My niece is going to have her baby any day now and I know Mom would want to be part of it. Oh, golly. Where do these grief attacks come from? I'm off now to file or whatever they need done for a couple of hours. Here's a hug to get through the day.

April 6

Hi Andy, I had a bad day yesterday, Fridays always hit me so hard as I’m sure Saturdays do for you. I was the same as you, crying on and off. You know how you see in movies when someone passes away they leave a letter for their loved ones, I feel sad thinking about that as my mom didn’t do that, we didn’t really even have a goodbye conversation as her death wasn’t expected. As much as I think I would have wanted those things I also feel like emotionally I couldn’t handle it either, I’m so conflicted. I told her everyday that I love her and I know she’s loves me but I still would give anything to say it one more time to her and give her a hug. Did you have a final conversation like that with your mom?

My dad is definitely feeling similar to us with his emotions all over the place. I read that as sad as losing a parent or sibling is it’s even worse to lose a spouse, my heart breaks for him. They were together since they were 17 and I can’t imagine the heart break he’s feeling. She was so loved.

I’m glad you were able to get more sleep (I know we can all use more!) but I understand being thrown off schedule and how that can play with your emotions. I hope you can stay busy and distracted. I have some errands to do today, grocery shopping, picking up some dry cleaning and I’m going to have lunch with my grandma and aunt at her seniors home. Tonight I’m having two girl friends over for a movie night and some take out with a glass of wine (or two ). I still prefer quiet nights in as opposed to big groups of people, it’s still so hard to put on a happy face just yet.

Hoping you have a good day with lots of strength to hold onto the raft, I’m definitely there with you.

April 8

Rachel, I bless the day we met. You've been such a help to me, and the fact that although we're far apart, we're going through much the same thing. To meet because of the death of our beloved moms isn't great. I'd have rather met you in a mall shopping. But I've come to think that we were meant to meet and to help each other through this. Of course, I don't think either of us expects to actually make our grief go away, however, we'll learn to calm the waves and go with the flow, so to speak. And we have each other to lend a hand when we get into those rough and high waves. Our moms were/are truly wonderful.

I worry about your dad because that's what I do. Queen of Worry. It must be so painful without your mom there for him.

I did have a chance to say good-bye to Mom, but I didn't think it was good-bye. Her eyes were closed and it was just a few hours before she died. Since I had Covid, too, I hauled myself out of bed and sat with her for a little bit. I told her it was okay for her to go to God now. I said I knew i wouldn't be okay without her, but if she had to go, then she needed to do that and not worry about us. "They" say patients can hear what you say, so I hope she heard that. I just wish I hadn't been sick myself. I do feel like I should have sat up all night with her. My sister did that. Mom's death wasn't unexpected, but I sure wish it hadn't been Covid since I fought to keep Covid out of the house all that time. I'm thinking it may have given us more time with her since she didn't catch it when it was at its worse.

I'm crying today. Monday. It's just so difficult sometimes. I did a little gardening, but and I'm still not getting everything I plan to do done. It's almost 70 F degrees here today. A beautiful day so I wanted to be out for a bit. I didn't look toward the sun. We didn't have a full eclipse here, but it got weird-looking outside.

I've added another log to the raft and brought some chocolates for us. I know things will get better for us, Rachel. Keep pushing forward with me one step at a time, even if we feel like we're not making progress, we are. Now I'm going to get some supper and go to bed early. Tuesday is my busy day. Oh, forgot to tell you, they were saying at the last support group that they had no one to make a pie for them. One man said that and then the others said the same. I made a pumpkin pie and I'm taking it with me. I hope it will be a pleasant surprise. I haven't even told our leader. She deserves a surprise as well. Now I just have to get it there in once piece.

Have a good week, Rachel. I'm sending lots of good wishes and prayers your way. One step at a time. I just hope the sea we're in turns a bit warmer for the summer. Brrrr. Imagine what it must feel like right now. It's so nice to be in the raft with you. Have a chocolate ... Good night!

April 10

Hi Andy,

I am so glad we met too, it really helps me to not feel so alone in this sad journey, between talking here, the grief support group and with friends it does help me get through this. I am still sad everyday and some days are worse than others but the support mean so much to me. It is sad that we had to meet on these terms but I’m still glad we did.

I am like you with the worry, I worry all the time, thank you for thinking of my dad. I talked to him last night and he seems ok, I know he’s trying to be strong and I am always trying to be happy on the phone with him but I’m wondering if I should let him know how sad I am. I know he knows how much I loved mom and how close we were and he knows I’m sad but I don’t want him to think I’m over it as I try to be in good spirits whenever I see or talk to him. But at the same time I worry about upsetting him more if I show him I’m sad. I want to be strong for him, he took such good care of her and I love him so much for it. I can’t imagine the heart break he’s feeling now.

I can imagine how devastating it was for you to sit with your mom but I’m also glad you got to say what you needed to say. How do you feel about it now? I saw my mom a few hours before she passed but wasn’t there when she did as they limited visitors because there was a covid out break at the hospital. Still didn’t think she was going to pass, the nurse (she didn’t know I am also a nurse) said she needs to get stronger and being on iv etc would help. I truly believe mom didn’t want us there when she went, either mom or God stopped us from being there as she knew we couldn’t handle it. After she passed I spoke to her, held her hand and kissed her cheek, I hope she could hear me. It was honestly the worst moment of my life, I love her so much.

Now I’m crying in the bathroom at work, this always happens but I guess writing all that out didn’t help.

How are you doing today, get any more gardening done? How did the pumpkin pie go over with the support group? I’m sure they loved it. I have my group tonight, I hope I can hold it together.

I will keep holding on to the raft with all my might, I feel like I’m more floating on my back right now instead of swimming, I feel like I have no strength lately from being so sad but I know we will get through this one day at a time.

April 11

Rachel, it's very much okay to cry in the bathroom. When I was working and Dad died, I did the same thing and, as I mentioned much earlier, I cried on the way home a lot.

The pie was a success! They all seemed to like it and I thought it was pretty good if I do say so myself. I went off my diet yet again. I still don't have the strength to stick to that thing.

It's my humble opinion that you should tell your dad how sad you are. You two can be strong together better, I think. When Dad died, Mom and I didn't talk much about it. That's how she was, but now I wish I'd talked to her about how sad I was as she might have liked to discuss it. But I'm not looking back and kicking myself. I just think now that I made a mistake there. It might have been easier for both of us. So, that's why I think you should tell him. He might have some good suggestions for what you should do. He just should know how you're really doing. Dads are great for comfort, too. Moms are probably better, but dads might have some ideas that would help.

I did a little leaf raking in the garden, but concentrated more on the paperwork that's piling up. I cleaned the bathroom floor, too.

Another thing about my grief support group is that we seem to be doing better about supporting each other. I even hugged a woman who was particularly sad. I asked first, of course. And I told the man who talks more than the other one (the non-talker just quit), that I and probably all of us, feel like he does - that something is missing when you come home and it can be difficult. I never really thought much about it before he began talking about it. I talk to Mom's picture and my stuffed animal collection. None of them have talked back yet - I assure you I'd be very worried if they did.

I'm having a stress test next week. My doctor doesn't think I have any heart trouble but it's been awhile since my last stress test and at the last minute, he decided I should have one. Unfortunately, I can still remember my last one. I wanted to run screaming out of the office. Six hours long! I'm taking a book this time.

My church friends called today and their mother isn't doing well right now and is back on hospice care. They had to cancel going to an historical presentation tomorrow. We were going together. I'm going to go on to it alone. I think I can handle it.

My niece had her baby April 8. His name is Soren Arthur. I told my sister I liked the name, but it did sound a bit like "Star Trek". I've seen photos of him and, of course, he looks adorable.

I just got a book called "Motherless Daughters". It looks pretty good. It has a lot of contributors and it reads well. I just started it though. You might want to look into it as another helpful resource.

Now for our pep talk. I also feel like I'm floating on my back in the sea. However, we are not like beached whales. We are able to swim and we'll get to that point. From what I've heard in things I've read and from talking to people, it can take a long time and we're only about 4 months along. I feel like I can't stand one more thing, so, of course, I got one more thing. Now I'm also looking into twitching finger and hands with a different doctor. I'm writing down when it happens for 2 weeks. I've had it for quite a while, but never paid much attention to it. Now it seems to occur more often. Probably because I just needed something to worry about and am now feeling every little cringe. I hope God's going to take care of these things as I've given them over to Him to worry about. Boy is it hard not to worry!

Now treat yourself to something and relax. One more day at work and then you're home. Try to plan something you'd enjoy. We will make, Rachel. We're our mothers' daughters. We're well loved and well trained. We CAN do this. If not, I'll visit you, bake pumpkin pies and we'll eat them all until we feel better or need to buy fat clothes. Have a good night! I'm thinking and praying about you. One step at a time. I do think we're better than we were. It just doesn't feel like it. Chin up! One step forward. We won't count how many times we slide back. It's those high waves. More logs for the raft.

April 13

Hi Andy,

I hope your weekend is going well so far. I did our candle ceremony yesterday and this morning for our moms.

Today I have to take my car in for an oil change and to switch from winter to summer tires and tonight I’m going to a friends place for game night, it’s a small game night as I’m still not ready for big groups so it will only be 5 of us plus her kids. Should be fun and a nice distraction.

I’m glad to hear everyone enjoyed the pie and you were able to enjoy some yourself!

Thanks for your advice on my dad, the last thing I want him to think is that I’m over mom or am not bothered by it. I just don‘t want to upset him further. But you are right in that we can lean more on each other for support. Why do you think you didn’t discuss your dad passing with your mom much? May I ask how long ago he passed?

Your grief support group sounds very similar to mine, I’m happy it seems to be helping you. In mine as well at the end we all hug each other, we really are bonding. We actually just started a group chat online so we can touch base during the week if we are having sad moments and help encourage, support and pray for each other. It’s really helping me not feel so alone in my sadness, I hope it’s doing the same for you.

I hope your stress test goes well, I’m sure it’s not fun for you but it’s good to be proactive. I’m hoping it goes well and everything comes back normal.

Congratulations on the addition to your family! I’ve never heard the name Soren before, quite unique.

A friend at work actually gave me the motherless daughters book a few weeks ago but I have yet to start it, just haven’t had the time. How do you find it so far?

As always thank you for your words of support, I know we will get through this it’s just incredibly hard. I know it’s only been almost 4 months but it feels so much longer than that and the ache in my heart is still so strong. It still feels like the world is continuing on without me and I am stuck in this sad cloud with my world put on hold if that makes any sense. Of course some days are worse than others but I’ve yet to have a good day since she’s been gone. Let’s keep building the raft and holding on tightly together, it’s definitely what our moms would want.

April 13

Hello ladies,

Just wanted to say hello. Hope everyone is hanging in there. I am still having a hard time with my mother's passing, but in addition to that, my father passed away on April 11th. I found him deceased in his room in the morning. He had been sick with COPD for some years, but I didn't expect it to be this close to my mom's passing. I'm scheduled to return to work on Wednesday and honestly I think it would be best for me not to take any additional time off. I need to move on, but continue to keep both in my thoughts and prayers.

April 19

Oh NicVal, I’m so sorry for the loss of your father, my sincere condolences. I can’t imagine how you are feeling now, losing both parents so close together, my heart goes out to you. I know it’s so hard right now for you, treasure all your memories that you have.
I hope you are getting by ok.

Andy, just want to say hi, will write more tomorrow as I’m very tired but hope you are doing ok

April 20

Just checking in. My birthday was yesterday, so I was prepared for massive sadness. However, I was kept so busy with two doctor appointments and trying to figure out how I could go shopping . Well, that brought me into the evening. I got flowers from my sister's Minnesota family and a phone all from my nephew who doesn't call anyone very much lately. He's getting married this year so besides working he and his fiance have a lot to do. They also have snow. More snow than me. I don't think I can expect a foot of snow in April, so he wins this year. My ex-boss and his wife also sent me a spring flower arrangement. Now I have to find out when their birthdays are and I can't figure out how to do that without seeming obvious.

How are you doing Rachel? I've just done our Friday ceremony and I hope the moms can stand my. I singing in Latin. I'm still crying, but a couple of times, I made it through the day okay.I'm helping out at the historical society one day a week and that's helping. My grief group doesn't meet next week and then we only have two meetings left. We got another new person this week. The group is much better than it started out as, so I'm content. My grief counselor and I have met three times now and I really haven't gotten much out of it. This week her son got sick and she had to leave before my session really started. I have to laugh and tell myself that perhaps this kind of thing is a healing experience in itself.

I just erased an entire paragraph due to resting my hand on keys. I was saying that we'll get through this to that point where it doesn't hurt so much. Heaven only knows when. However, we'll just keep pulling each other along through the big waves. Our raft is going to reach from Alberta to Illinois before we're done. No matter how much or how long it takes, I'll be here for you. And I'm sure you feel the same way. If not, don't tell me :). That was rather like putting you on the spot, I realized after I wrote it.

Now the laugh. I seem to have gotten an extra Covid vaccine. The pharmacy advertised that they had new vaccines now and we could come in at any time. While I was getting mine, I was told I didn't really have to have this one. It's much the same as the other one. As I was pondering, I got my vaccine. Now I'll feel terrible tomorrow for nothing. You should have seen the look on my face. Anyway, it's good to replenish and I was told next autumn, we'll have a completely new vaccine. I don't know if I can convince my arm to go back there again. And I was (time-wise) in a good place to have a booster. No harm done. Unless you count my sore arm. I'm going on a weekend trip with a friend soon, so it's good to get a booster. I'll get every vaccine they come up with. I don't want to make other people sick and my sister had no idea she had Covid when she gave it to Mom and I. Sometimes you just can't tell and I don't want to be THAT person who puts other people in danger. How'd I get on this? I'm going to see about something more to eat.

Now picture me on the raft, balancing on a log as the waves push at it, me in a cheerleading outfit, opening my mouth to yell, "We can do this!" and getting his in the face with a wave. Just another day on the raft! Have an excellent weekend, and I hope your Friday was bearable and a little fun?

April 20

3 hours ago, AMills said:

Just checking in. My birthday was yesterday, so I was prepared for massive sadness. However, I was kept so busy with two doctor appointments and trying to figure out how I could go shopping . Well, that brought me into the evening. I got flowers from my sister's Minnesota family and a phone all from my nephew who doesn't call anyone very much lately. He's getting married this year so besides working he and his fiance have a lot to do. They also have snow. More snow than me. I don't think I can expect a foot of snow in April, so he wins this year. My ex-boss and his wife also sent me a spring flower arrangement. Now I have to find out when their birthdays are and I can't figure out how to do that without seeming obvious.

How are you doing Rachel? I've just done our Friday ceremony and I hope the moms can stand my. I singing in Latin. I'm still crying, but a couple of times, I made it through the day okay.I'm helping out at the historical society one day a week and that's helping. My grief group doesn't meet next week and then we only have two meetings left. We got another new person this week. The group is much better than it started out as, so I'm content. My grief counselor and I have met three times now and I really haven't gotten much out of it. This week her son got sick and she had to leave before my session really started. I have to laugh and tell myself that perhaps this kind of thing is a healing experience in itself.

I just erased an entire paragraph due to resting my hand on keys. I was saying that we'll get through this to that point where it doesn't hurt so much. Heaven only knows when. However, we'll just keep pulling each other along through the big waves. Our raft is going to reach from Alberta to Illinois before we're done. No matter how much or how long it takes, I'll be here for you. And I'm sure you feel the same way. If not, don't tell me :). That was rather like putting you on the spot, I realized after I wrote it.

Now the laugh. I seem to have gotten an extra Covid vaccine. The pharmacy advertised that they had new vaccines now and we could come in at any time. While I was getting mine, I was told I didn't really have to have this one. It's much the same as the other one. As I was pondering, I got my vaccine. Now I'll feel terrible tomorrow for nothing. You should have seen the look on my face. Anyway, it's good to replenish and I was told next autumn, we'll have a completely new vaccine. I don't know if I can convince my arm to go back there again. And I was (time-wise) in a good place to have a booster. No harm done. Unless you count my sore arm. I'm going on a weekend trip with a friend soon, so it's good to get a booster. I'll get every vaccine they come up with. I don't want to make other people sick and my sister had no idea she had Covid when she gave it to Mom and I. Sometimes you just can't tell and I don't want to be THAT person who puts other people in danger. How'd I get on this? I'm going to see about something more to eat.

Now picture me on the raft, balancing on a log as the waves push at it, me in a cheerleading outfit, opening my mouth to yell, "We can do this!" and getting his in the face with a wave. Just another day on the raft! Have an excellent weekend, and I hope your Friday was bearable and a little fun?

Happy belated Birthday! My daughter's birthday is tomorrow and she's turning 22. You'd think she'd be ready to have a great time, but with the feeling of emptiness, she just wants to hang out at home. Hope you enjoyed your birthday as much as possible.

April 20

On 4/18/2024 at 8:21 PM, RachelSH said:

Oh NicVal, I’m so sorry for the loss of your father, my sincere condolences. I can’t imagine how you are feeling now, losing both parents so close together, my heart goes out to you. I know it’s so hard right now for you, treasure all your memories that you have.
I hope you are getting by ok.

Andy, just want to say hi, will write more tomorrow as I’m very tired but hope you are doing ok

Thank you so much. Going back to work has reminded me that I have family there as well. Everyone has been so supportive and understanding. This morning was my late start day and normally my mom would come rushing into my room at 7am saying I was late for work and I would always tell her mom, I start at 8 today. Well I was preoccupied with reading up on some current events and all of a sudden, my Alexa alarm goes off at 7am. I haven't set an alarm on the Alexa since December. All I could say was, okay mom, I'll start getting ready. It was so weird. To add to that, at work they put about 50 little butterflies on the partition going into our lobby. I told my coworker that when my mom passed the hospital put butterflies on her door. She immediately apologized and said she would take them down, but I told her no way. This is a reminder that my mom is with me. It's been a tough 3 days, I can definitely admit to that.

I appreciate the kind words. Hope your week went well.

Sunday at 09:57 PM

Hi Andy, I missed chatting with you this week!

Happy belated birthday! I’m sure it was a hard day for you, I am not looking forward to my birthday this year. So nice to hear you got flowers and a phone call from your nephew, I hope all that brightened up your day a little. I hope your dr appts went well.

I’m doing ok, some days are still worse than others, had a good cry today. I went to visit my dad with my sister on Friday and we went out for a nice dinner and stayed over night. My heart is broken about mom but seeing my dad get emotional when we leave breaks my heart all over again. I hate seeing him so sad, I would do anything to take the heart break and sadness away from him. I’m trying my best to support him by visiting as often as I can, chatting on the phone, tidying up little things when I’m there, helping him look for a maid service…is there anything else you can think of that I can do that might help him? I have sent him the link for a grief support group near him (same one I am in but in his area) but he keeps saying he’s not ready, I even asked the leader of mine if he can come next week just to see what it’s about and of course she said yes but he’s just not ready. I think he thinks he will embarrass himself if he gets emotional even though I’ve told him everyone there does.

I was thinking of trying to find a grief counselor, I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t got much out of yours. Do you find the support group is more helpful?

Andy I sure hope we can get through this, that’s what everyone keeps telling me but I feel so hopeless right now, I know it’s still new but I just can’t believe she’s gone. And of course I’ll be here for you too :).

One thing I wanted to share - I have been asking God since my mom passed why he took her when I need her so much. At my support group this week one of the girls that also lost their mom was talking about timing (I hadn’t said anything about me questioning God) and she said that God has already chosen when you will go, same as he chose when you are born. After the group I was thinking about it and it gave me some peace to think that he chose that date for her a long time ago regardless of anything else, somehow it gave me peace to think he didn’t just take her when I needed her so much and that he might not have cared about my feelings. I don’t know how really to explain it but it gave me peace. I texted her the next day to let her know that she helped me.

Oh no, an extra covid booster! How were you feeling the next day? I guess now you have extra protection.

Keep holding onto the raft with both hands, I am there with you trying to avoid those big waves. I still feel like I’m more floating on my back but hopefully I can start to swim a bit soon.

Sunday at 10:01 PM

NicVal, I’m glad to hear you were able to go to work and have so much support there, that’s great. I definitely think the butterflies are a sign that your mom is still with you.
Sending hugs and good thought your way.

Tuesday at 12:30 AM

Hi Rachel! How did your Monday go? Hope you had a good day. Battling some rough waves today, but I'm settling it by going to bed early. Thinking of you ..,

Tuesday at 01:12 AM

I almost forgot. See if you can get a copy of "Winter of the Heart" by Paula D'Arcy.It might help your dad to read it. It's a small paperback book with just 46 pages, but it's the best of the books I've gotten. I refer back to it when I'm feeling down. I do know that Ave Maria Press is the name on it. Their website is at avemariapress.com. Don't let it being a Catholic organization scare you, not that it would. The book isn't about the Catholic religion, just good old Christian grief tips and help. I'll admit being Catholic, I may have not noticed it was being Catholic in places, but I'm pretty sure there isn't anything. I got my book from Fairfield County Catholic Cemeteries of the Diocese of Bridgeport. They sent it free. I'll see if I can find their email address if you're interested in that route. Is your Dad on the computer much? You could also try getting daily emails for him - helpful tips, encouragement about grief. I can get an email for you from one if you don't have anything easy to find. My funeral home has one that I signed up for. I believe quite a few funeral homes offer this service.

Writing to you makes me less sad, I discovered. I just spent 2 hours listening to my sister on the phone. She's home now from helping my niece with the new baby and had to catch me up on the latest news. Baby and mother are doing fine. I'm afraid I feel like I'm falling apart just when I thought I wasn't crying as much. My big mistake was driving through a local park known for its wildflowers in the spring. I missed Mom and my favorite area and so I went back to see the bluebells in full bloom. It was beatiful, but it also brought back the sadness that Mom wasn't sitting beside me in the car to see the sight. I've been sad all day due to it. It snuck up on me. I thought I could handle it.

I refuse to give up everything Mom and I enjoyed together. But, as you know, those waves are just waiting to knock us away from the raft. Rachel, NicVal it really will get better. I think I got a message through the coffee shop. On my cinnamon roll container, someone wrote "Have patience" and had a grinning face with a smile on it. In the Bible, God speaks from a burning bush. Now perhaps He's talking to me/us on a plastic container. I think I feel a little cheated. A burning bush would be really fantastic to see. Plastic container, not so exciting. Do I see a slight smile?

In the grief support group, there are people there whose loss was a year ago and they're coping with it still. Four months, Rachel, based on that, is still very early in the process. All we can do is keep going. We hurt so badly because we were loved and loved mightily. We're blessed.

I suppose since God knows everything that knows when we'll all die. And since we know He has plans, it makes sense that life and death for each of us is known by Him. It's up to us to choose how we do things inbetween. It's said God is all about love. Think how much He must love each of us. We know the joy of being loved well and have the lesson out of that about how to love someone. And it's very difficult to lose those we love. We can all swear to that. But I try to remember the moms are in Heaven. They are in bliss, surrounded by love. What more could we ask for them? I think our struggles are so difficult, as I just said earlier, because we've had a taste of unending love with our moms. We know they still love us. It's the fact that we can't see and hear them or hug them anymore that's so difficult right now. Our lives have been wrenched apart, dropped on the ground and trampled by elelphant feet. But we're still going, we're still trying to swim. We are the daughters of fantastic moms. We WILL make it through this. We don't know what God has in mind, but it would be nice if we got some really happy thing to treasure right now. More logs, girls, more logs fsor the raft. And, Rachel, when you're floating on your back, I'm hanging on to one of your hands, so you don't drift away. I'd tie your wrist to the raft, but my knots on shoestrings never last. I wouldn't want to have to paddle after you as I'm not a very good swimmer. I would though. I just don't trust my knots. And you'd probably have to float me back to the raft!

I'll keep trying to write often. I've just been so tired in the evening and quite a bit lazy. I'll do better.

Tuesday at 10:39 PM

How did we all do getting through Tuesday? My diet lasted one day so I have to start again tomorrow. However, no crying attacks yet, but evening is difficult. I'm trying to keep myself busy reading, but the housework isn't doing itself. I hope you all have had a good day. Rachel, how did you do today?

I went to church and then went to a doctor's appointment. He seems to think I'm fine but wants to do an MRI to be certain. This is because my fingers keep twitching. They didn't do it at all at the doctor's office and the video a took of it at home was not revealing the twitches well. So, one more test, but I hate the MRI. Maybe I can nap during it.

Spring is proving difficult. Mom, Dad and I always went driving to look at the flowering trees and the wildflowers. It was so beautiful going to the doctor's appointment that I had to steel myself on the drive. I just tried to concentrate on driving and enjoy the beauty of the trees, while trying not to think of people being missing from the scene. Oh my goodness. I'm going to have to deal with all kinds of these memories throughout the year. Oh bother. I guess I need to just take each one as it comes up otherwise it's overwhelming.

Such as I don't need to grow lettuce this year in a pot on the front porch. Mom was the only one who liked the kind I could grow there. Do you have any special memories of your mom in the spring, Rachel? Anyone who wants to share?

Now I'm going to have some supper. The lettuce is making me weepy. i'm such a wimp. On the good news side, my ex-boss has again invited me to visit him and his wife in South Carolina. I'm going to work up the courage to go. I hate to fly, but I also don't want to make the long drive on my own. It's pretty far and I can't take my sister along that would be pushing the limits of hospitality. He and his wife are coming here to Dixon in a month so that should be fun. More later.

Watch for those sneaky waves. I can hear them trying to form up. Get near the raft everyone. Remember to make sure the cookies are on the raft so we don't lose our snacks.

Sign In

I lost my mom

Recommended Posts

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Aneta

Link to comment

Share on other sites

RachelSH

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

RachelSH

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Aneta

Link to comment

Share on other sites

RachelSH

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

RachelSH

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

NicVal

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites

NicVal

Link to comment

Share on other sites

NicVal

Link to comment

Share on other sites

KayC

Link to comment

Share on other sites

RachelSH

Link to comment

Share on other sites

RachelSH

Link to comment

Share on other sites

NicVal

Link to comment

Share on other sites

NicVal

Link to comment

Share on other sites

AMills

Link to comment

Share on other sites