Members Aneta Posted February 17 Members Report Share Posted February 17 Hello Rachel and everyone, I hope you don’t mind me joining the conversation.. I’m very sorry for your loss and would like to express my condolences to you. I have been reading this thread for a while to cope with loneliness as I have lost my mom last month. I have found a lot of similarities in our situations and even though I have a few close friends that genuinely want to help me and are there for me I feel like they don’t quite understand the situation and the pain and confusion that I’m living in and I also feel bad sometimes for bringing down the mood over and over again. I really hope you are doing better and better each day as I know how emotionally draining and painful this is. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted February 17 Moderators Report Share Posted February 17 I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom last month as well. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 17 Members Report Share Posted February 17 I’m also very sorry for your loss. Hope you are healing and coping with the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 17 Author Members Report Share Posted February 17 Hi Andy, just wanted to say hi and check in before I get ready to head out for the night, going for dinner and a few glasses of wine with a few friends but I will respond more tomorrow. I did our candle ceremony and prayer this morning, I hope you are doing ok, I know Saturdays are rough for you. Hi Aneta, welcome to our chat, I’m sorry for your loss and as you know I feel very similar to you. I do find comfort in talking to others who are going through a loss and I hope being on here helps you. Have a good night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 17 Members Report Share Posted February 17 Welcome Aneta and Widower2! Please feel free to join in our conversations between Rachel and myself. We're happy to have your input, but very sorry that heartbreak has brought you here. My condolences to both of you. This grief business is not easy. I've just started crying over mailing in my ballot. It's the first time in ages that I haven't had to help Mom fill in hers. Her eyesight was failing and she couldn't see well enough to do it herself. Too many first times. It's like knowing you're going to be ambushed, but you don't have the slightest idea where. Not only did I lose my mother two days before Christmas, but my best friend died in August. My current favorite statement was one I read that said something like ... you can't go back, you certainly don't want to stay here, so the only way to go is forward. Followed in favorites by an exercise to imagine your loved one in bliss in Heaven and concentrating on how she/he must be feeling now. I'm trying to do that without thinking selfishly, "But what about me? I need some help down here!" I hope you'll both feel free to comment as much as you like. And I hope you'll have as pleasant an evening as possible and a good night's sleep. (I wake up all the time in the middle of the night). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 18 Members Report Share Posted February 18 Rachel: thank you Very much and I hope you got to enjoy the night with your friends and that it maybe took a little bit of stress off of your shoulders for at least one night. Andy: thank you for the welcome. I’m very sorry about your loss. Can’t even imagine how hard it is to lose two very important people in your life in such a short period of time. I’m also very sorry about your loss so close to Christmas. There is no ,best’ time to lose someone but I imagine around Christmas it must have been even harder. I also wake up at night a lot and have a lot of nightmares or I’m woken up by my two cats crying either by the door or in my mom’s bedroom. I feel so bad for them as I at least understand what happened and what it means but they don’t and are very confused and sad about my mom not being home. Have you tried Camomile tea? It might help you a little bit with sleeping and feeling anxious. I really like the saying that you shared about going forward. I also sometimes think why me? What did I do to ,deserve’ to be here on my own? (My dad died when I was 15) but then I realize that that is life and life sometimes doesn’t make sense and I’m at peace that my mom is not suffering, that was my biggest fear when we found out that my mom has cancer last year I feared that she would be in pain and would be suffering both physically and mentally. She was always very active, we used to go to the gym together and swimming and she was also very independent, but in the last month of her life I helped her to walk and I helped her shower and go to the toilet and I could see how stressed and sad she was about the fact that she was now dependent on me for everything and it was very painful to know that she is suffering. I will never be happy or glad that my mom died and I will always want her back but I’m glad that she didn’t have to go through this for a long time and that she wasn’t in pain for a long time because I don’t think my heart could take watching her suffer. I also want to apologize in advance, I’m not from an English speaking country so there might be mistakes here and there but I’m trying my best for it to be readable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 18 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18 Your english is fine. I am sorry for your loss. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 18 Author Members Report Share Posted February 18 Hi Andy, I am so glad I found the group too, the pastor really helped with my feelings, it made me not feel so alone, it was very comforting and I actually am looking forward to this weeks meeting. It just made me feel positive again through the pain and I haven’t felt that way in over a year (since her diagnosis). Nothing will completely take the pain away but it’s definitely helping. Are you going to join the church group? It sounds very similar to the one I’m in, once a week for 13 weeks. Sounds like you’ve been more social lately, I am proud of you for getting out there and meeting new people, I know that’s hard for you (as you know I am the same) but hopefully it will be a nice distraction for you. I am imagining the police coming to your door with the robe and cinnamon roll! That would be a sight! It’s funny that you were so care free and didn’t realize you had others worrying about you but it must have made you feel very cared for. I’m glad they are watching out for you. You are right, God does seem to be trying to help us navigate through this, I never thought of that but thank you for pointing that out. He can see how distraught we are and he’s trying to help ease the pain with all the visits etc. I pray everyday, sometimes multiple times and it feels likes He’s answering both of us now. He sure works in wonderful ways doesn’t He. I know he loves us, I just felt like I lost a bit of faith with my mom passing but I’m trying so hard to work through it and you also are helping with that, you are so kind and wise. How was the rest of your day yesterday, did you get by ok? Aneta, I also struggle with nightmares about my mom and also picturing her sick and I’m told that will pass in time. I am an animal lover so I understand how it’s hard to see your cats confused. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you had a lot of the same feelings that I have, I too ask why me, why did my mom have to pass and we will never know. I just believe it was in Gods plan, not that we will ever understand why He does what He does. I too am glad that our moms didn’t have years of suffering as we couldn’t deal with that so that in a way is a blessing. I would give anything to have my mom back. I hope being on here helps you to not feel alone in your grief journey, there’s lots of room on the raft Andy and I are building so hang on tight. Also, your English is great so don’t even worry about that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 18 Members Report Share Posted February 18 Thank you Rachel, you are very kind and I appreciate your words. How was your night out yesterday? If you don’t mind me asking. You are right we will never know and we just have to believe. I try to remind myself that my mom wouldn’t want me to suffer and be sad. She would want me to remember the positive things and would want me to continue living life happily and I’m sure all of our moms would want that (I’m crying as I write that, so I should really practice what I preach but I just try to remind myself in those hard moments) Thank you again for your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 18 Members Report Share Posted February 18 Aneta: Do you mind if I ask what your native language is? Your English is excellent. You may catch us in mistakes. Rachel and everyone: Saturday was supposed to be my work on the paperwork day and I did get some of it done, but I do believe it doubles itself at night. Speaking of which, I have tried chamomile tea and found it a little helpful, so the next time, I followed it up by a hot bath. That helped, too. Reading is also helping me, but it doesn't hold my attention very long. After Mom died, I didn't want to read at all, so this is an improvement. I love to read, really. So, I have a dilemma. It's called Tuesdays. Hospice has a craft day for suvivors on Tuesdays, the grief support group meets on Tuesdays and now my priest has once again gotten me to say "yes" before I knew what I was doing. The church is having a special Lenten program which he said he thought I'd be interested in. And after I told him I'd go to them, I realized they're on Tuesday. I actually could make it to all three if I don't eat and don't need a restroom. I think I'll investigate all three and see how it goes. My head may be spinning. I tried something another one of my endless books said (I can read in short spurts). I may have mentioned this earlier. Grief is playing games with my memory. And yes, a book said that's normal. This seemed easy, but it turned out to be difficult. It said we should imagine our departed loved one in Heaven. And what would that be like? She/he would be in bliss (complete happiness, content). Would we really want to change that? Thus, the exercise was to picture the loved on in complete bliss throughout the day and imagine how wonderful that must be for them. So when I felt like crying (often), I'd think of Mom being in bliss. It worked to the extent that I stopped thinking about my pain for a minute and imagined her with all the relatives and having all the answers to my genealogy questions, her face beaming, her hand holdling Dad's. However, selfishly, it didn't do much to stop my tears. I know the love of God and my parents is wrapped around me, but this is a large change in my life and I liked the old life better. Whoosh. Large wave sweeping me away from the raft, frantic dog-paddle back to soggy log I was holding onto. I'll work on the bliss which does have comfort in it. What helps the most is all of you who are hurting just like me. I want to make you all feel better. I want to feel better. We know we're not alone. There's a giant distance between Rachel and I in miles, but no distance when we're writing. It's too bad we're all not across the street from each other. Hugs, hot chocolate and a happy movie are on order for us. The weekends have been bad for me since I can't make myself do the cleaning, etc. I need to do. So, I invited a lady who's a volunteer at church like me to go for coffee on Saturday, so we can get to know each other a little better. We've been "working" together at church for several years but never have time to talk. I did it again, Rachel. I talked to someone! Yeah! I had no trouble on my job which was reporting, but when it's personal, I'm the shy 5-year-old who hated school. Now my tea awaits. Have a good evening, everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 18 Members Report Share Posted February 18 Hello Andy, Not at all, my native language is Czech (I’m from Czech Republic) and thank you. I think I can speak quite well but written English is harder because of grammar. I really admire how active you are. Taking on that many things. I think that will help you so much (not that you should skip meals or restroom). I’m unfortunately very lazy these days, I might not even call it being lazy but just thinking about getting ready and going out makes me tired. The most simple things make me exhausted. Andy I hope you get a good night sleep tonight to prepare you for next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 19 Author Members Report Share Posted February 19 Hi Aneta, my night out was good, had a nice dinner and a few glasses of wine with two girlfriends, it was a nice distraction. How was your night? You are right, our moms would want us to not be sad and to remember them happy and smiling (easier said than done I know). I know the exhaustion you feel very well, it’s just a process of grief but I understand not having any energy. I’ve heard being emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted is normal with grief. I just force myself to get up and go otherwise I would never leave my bed or couch. Andy, you do have a Tuesday dilemma, what are you going to do? I do try to remember mom is in Heaven and at peace with God when I’m sad and it does help but like you, the tears still come on. I pray to God to take care of her and tell Him I know she’s content and I’m only crying because I miss her and love her so much. We are definitely not alone, we have each other and Aneta for support and to try to cheer each other up as hard as it may be. I’m actually having a hard night tonight, the tears just keep coming. I think when I’m home alone for a long period of time it really hits me, being an introvert I usually love my alone time but since mom passed it just feels different, everything does. Good for you for talking to the lady at the church! I’m proud of you! Are you going to make it an every Saturday coffee date? I think it will help take your mind off things. I hope you both have a good evening and we’ll talk soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 19 Members Report Share Posted February 19 Hello Rachel, that sounds so nice. I’m proud of you for pushing through and going out even though your first instinct might be to stay in bed or on the couch. And I’m sure your mom watches over you and is proud and happy. I’m sorry to hear about your hard night. I know those too well. If you are feeling lonely in your house could you maybe call some of your friends or family members to stay with you for a night or so? Sometimes it’s just too empty and quiet and overwhelming. When I’m having a hard night when I’m just crying without being able to stop I just think to myself that I’m fine and ok my mom is now fine and at peace and I just try to concentrate on breathing to calm myself (but this is also easier said than done) I’m sorry for not replying sooner when you had a tough time, I think the time zones are little different for us. But I hope you managed to go to sleep to get a little bit of rest for next week that you are going to conquer easily. I’m sure of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 19 Author Members Report Share Posted February 19 Hi Aneta, I’m sure you know those hard nights very well too unfortunately but I feel the same way you do sometimes - I don’t want to bring people down by calling. Even though my best friend as well as other friends have told me to call and they can come over or just talk on the phone I feel bad as I am bringing them down or inconveniencing them. I should just go to my sisters next time I have a really bad night. Do you have siblings that can help support you? I also try to think that mom is at peace which does comfort me but I just miss her so much. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they are appreciated. How are you feeling today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 19 Members Report Share Posted February 19 Hello Rachel, Yes I totally understand that! It is hard sometimes to realize that the people around us wouldn’t be annoyed or it wouldn’t inconvenience them, they would be happy to help us. I do have one sister, but for some reason I don’t tell her how much I’m struggling because I feel bad putting my sadness on her while she is also grieving.. I don’t know how to explain but I don’t want her to be stressed about me while having to grieve our mom. I have been at a place where they make jewelry with ashes of your loved one today. I ordered a ring from them so that my mom can be with me everywhere I go, so that did better my mood little bit. But other than that I haven’t done anything which I feel guilty about again, so I thought I might try to workout tonight to feel about better about not doing anything today. I will let you know if I stick to this plan. What about you? How was your day? ( I’m not sure if it’s end of the day for you or start now) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 19 Members Report Share Posted February 19 I'm in northern Illinois. I should have mentioned it earlier, but I didn't think of it as Rachel knows. It's tucked into a message way back when. That sounds like this has been going on for years. I had a quiet Sunday. I went to church and the just stayed home and caught up on reading the newspaper and did a little work around the house. And I mean a little. Mainly I just relaxed and watched TV. Of course, I spent a lot of time thinking about Mom and trying to convince myself that I really wouldn't want to drag her out of Heaven. Well, maybe for a quick hug. The people I've talked to who have lost someone are actually still hurting after years in some cases. They've found a way to combine their grief with living on without someone and it's not easy. So it seems to me that we shouldn't feel that we're doing anything we shouldn't be doing. It's okay to miss someone, it's okay to cry, it's okay to hurt on into the years ahead as long as we're also moving forward with our lives. Ah, but how do you do that when that one person was your life or a huge chunk of your life? That's what we're looking for, I guess. I'm trying everything I can think of to see what might be a new fit. It's a way to honor our loved ones, isn't it? The going on ... they raised us in some cases ... we built a life with them .... they did their best to prepare us as they certainly lost people they cared for a lot and knew how it hurt - they went on and they expect us to, too. We can do this, too. When Rachel and I talk about our raft, we do so because grief is an ocean and we're in it. Sometimes it's calm and other times its waves come crashing down on us. The book it came from said all we have to do is learn to swim. Well, we're trying to cheat. We're building a raft out of drift wood that goes by. We're still just splashing around a bit and hanging on. Plenty of room in our raft for anyone and everyone. One of these days we'll be able to swim, still remember, still cry now and then, but swim and smile, so they can relax in Heaven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KLH Posted February 19 Members Report Share Posted February 19 Hi, Andy. You description of it being like you're knowing you're going to be ambushed but you dont know when or where is EXACTLY how the first year of grief went for me. And, truthfully, it still happens at times. I found that every 'new' person I had to talk to, I cried. Anyone I hadn't spoken to yet since my mom passed away, as soon as I'd see their face, I'd cry. I realized after the first few times, it was just a thing that was going to happen. I am relieved and grateful to report that after the second or third time of seeing the same person, I no longer needed to cry ... just by seeing them. It's all so complicated and everyone's grief is so indivdualized. I wish there was something I could tell any or all of you that I did to make it easier, but there isn't. I think it's just been time and being kind to myself. If I had one piece of advice, it would be to go easy on yourself... meaning if you need to stay in bed for the day, do it. If you decide to cancel plans, cancel them. If you don't want to be around people, then don't. The first year is all about suriving in my opinion, so take care of yourselves... and meet you wherever you are... which means whatever you are experiencing right now, is ok. It just is. It has been a little over a year for me, and I absolutely did not see how I was going to survive the crushing, debilitating sadness and grief and devastation. Somehow, bit by bit, I have. If my experience is any indication, I trust and hope that each of you will, too, in your way and in your own time. And please know, I love my mom more than anyone in the world. Sending light and good energy to everyone on the thread as you move through this journey. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 20 Members Report Share Posted February 20 You give me hope, KLH. Rachel will tell you I'm always finding a book or reading a quote I like. You reminded me about something I read and it was reaching back to help those just starting the grief journey. If I find it, I'll fill in what I'm frogetting. (I left that so you could see that I'm frog - getting, not forgetting). I did learn to type in school, honestly. Thank you for showing us we can make it! Rachel, how was your day at work? I'm really going to squeeze in the grief support group I found that sounds a lot like yours. i have a busy day tomorrow, so KLH's approval to stay in bed will sound good the next day. I had a crying wave just a few minutes ago and my neighbor knocked at the door right in the middle of it. She'd brought me a small book as a souvenir of the trip she took to the Southwest. It was good to be interrupted. Now it's supper time for me. All of you please have a good night and sweet dreams. You deserve them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 20 Author Members Report Share Posted February 20 Aneta, I know the feeling of not wanting to stress your sister out but it’s also good to lean on each other for support. Are you close with her? The ring with the ashes sounds lovely, what a great way to honour your mom and have her with you always. Did you manage to work out or do anything today? KLH that’s exactly how I feel right now, like I can’t survive a heartbreak this bad and the devastation I feel, like I will never feel better. Thank you for helping me to see that in time there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Andy, I was off today for the family day holiday (not all nurses get it off obviously but I managed to wrangle it off) and went for lunch with my dad, grandma, brother, uncle and two aunts, it was nice to have the support from them. Then I stopped by a friends for a quick visit and went home to cook and prepare for the week. I went to the garage to put some recycling in the bin and saw that I had a flat tire. Remember how we were saying how God is helping us lately (more in picking up our spirits but still). I was feeling lazy and almost said I will take it out tomorrow but something made me do it tonight and thankfully I did as I was able to call roadside assistance to change the tire and switch my shift with another nurse to start late tomorrow so I can take the car in to get the tire repaired or get a new one. I am choosing to believe God helped me as if I had noticed it in the morning it would have messed up work. I can’t wait to hear how your support group goes tomorrow! I hope you get as much as I have out of it, I have my second meeting Wednesday night. Definitely stay in bed on Wednesday if you need to and now you have a new book to enjoy so even more reason to stay in bed! I also had a few crying spells today, just feeling really sad, we must keep building our raft. Have a good day tomorrow everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 20 Members Report Share Posted February 20 Rachel: Me and my sister are quite close and got even closer after our mom passes but I still keep to myself usually. But we do visit each other often now to support each other. I surprisingly did manage to workout yesterday. What about you how was your day? was yesterday better than the night before? KLH: Thank you for sharing that with us. I like how you said to take care of ourself and do whatever feels the best- because I feel guilty nowadays for having a messy apartment, being very forgetful, being lazy . I’m so used to being on top of things that this makes me feel guilty but you are right, it is about surviving and it is one of the worst things that can happen to you in life so I should give myself more credit and be proud of the little things. I’m also so sorry for your loss and proud of you for making it through the first year. Andy: Northern Illinois sounds very nice. And I love how you talk about the grief being like the ocean, sometimes it’s calm sometimes it’s crashing waves- that’s very true, sometimes you think you are doing fine and the next second you are crying over something so small as your moms favorite potato peeler. I hope you are all having a nice day today and had something or someone to make you smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 21 Members Report Share Posted February 21 Rachel and everyone else working on the raft, I've had a busy day. Mass. A drive to hospice for craft day and I bought a chair to donate to hospice. Now where am I going to put it? I also ordered a table to put my computer printer on. I have an idea of where to put that, but I'm not sure the idea will work. They may both enhance my summer porch. For crafts, I decorated picture frames with gnomes and hearts, some leftover Valentine's things and I got to keep them. What will I do with them? Oh my. Then back home to regroup and head to the grief group. There were two men and five women, including the leader. Rachel, I think your group is better. I didn't get much out of it, but I didn't have the book and it was my first time and their second. I'm sticking to it though as it may hold help that will take a few visits to notice. Then again to home and back out into the night to attend the program at church, again my book hadn't arrived, but at least I was in for the first meeting. It was about Lent and getting closer to God. It was interesting. However, someone who knew me, made me talk once. Augh. Then I crawled home, but first stopped at a local deli/fast food place for supper. Good-bye diet. Start again tomorrow or whatever day my next food shipment arrives (any day now). You're all so important to me that writing to you was more important than my hot bath and bed. What I learned from the grief group was that the ones who talked the most were having much the same kind of pain we've talked about. And we're certainly not alone in how we're feeling. I felt normal and then sad for all of us. It may be nice to know you're not alone in grief, but it's a double-edged sword in that I don't want anyone to feel as awful as I do. So everyone, Rachel, KLH, Aneta and others, put a soggy piece of driftwood on our raft, while I fix some chicken noodle soup , warm fresh bread with melted butter and a nice cup of hot tea for all of us. We are survivors. We are going to make it. We will scream into pillows, kick cans, cry like a rainy day in Brazil or go silent like a night in the desert, but each day we make one more small splash toward swimming. Wait a minute ... the coyotes are telling me it's not quiet in the desert, so we'll make that a night with a dessert. And if you're not smiling, I'll try again later. Good night one and all. The moms, other loved ones are cheering us on. And probably saying "Don't forget to brush your teeth." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 21 Author Members Report Share Posted February 21 Aneta, I’m glad you and your sister are close, especially now it’s nice to have that bond. My day today was busy, went to the dealership with the car to get the tire replaced and then went to work, not much time for anything else. How was your day? I think today was the first day that I held it together all day, I was a little teary driving to work this morning and on the way home but I turned on a podcast to distract myself. Didn’t really cry until I got home so maybe that’s a step in the right direction…or could have just been a busy day kept me distracted. Andy, another busy day for you! My goodness you have a lot going on, good for you. I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t got much out of the grief group yet but I hope you do go back again. At my group the leader said she realizes it is hard to go to a support group but to please give it at least 3 weeks before deciding to quit or not. I love that these groups are run by the goodness of their hearts as opposed to being money driven. I can understand you not wanting anyone to feel as bad as you do but did you find even a little comfort in it? I don’t want anyone to be sad either but it made me not feel so alone to be around others feeling the way I am. I’m looking forward to my meeting tomorrow night. I’m smiling :), you are always good at lifting my spirits. Have a good night, talk tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 22 Members Report Share Posted February 22 Hello Rachel, That’s good to hear that you held it together yesterday, more of these days are coming I’m sure. Just know you are doing great. Some days are bad some days are a little bit better but both is normal and expected. My day was also a lot of work and then a lot of administration. I don’t know how it works in your country but in Czech the process of inheritance and all other stuff is Very long and complex. I’m very exhausted by this process. The amount of times I had to tell strangers and officers that my mom has died is just exhausting and uncomfortable. How was everyones day today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 22 Members Report Share Posted February 22 Hi Rachel and Aneta! I'm sorry I missed a day. I was completely worn out yesterday (Wednesday) and planned to go to bed early, but everything was against me. I did manage an hour earlier, but I was aiming for 3 hours earlier. Wednesday was a bad day for me. I just couldn't stop crying. Northing really brought it on - it was just there. Today was better. I went to church (like clockwork), did some much-needed shopping and then my diet food arrived, tried to work on paperwork, but I had quite a few long phone calls. Tomorrow, I'm going to visit my aunt, who's a nun, with my cousin. She's doing all the driving with her fancy new SUV. I think perhaps I did too much on Tuesday going to four things in one day and they all continue for about 13 weeks. I'm going to plan better next week. Now I know what to expect, I won't be so nervous. Rachel I hope your group meetings keep being helpful. I'm hoping if I ever get the book for mine, that I'll feel more part of it. I could feel you hanging onto my arm yesterday as those high waves washed over me. And I do believe, Aneta, that I felt you holding on to me as well. So tomorrow/or perhaps it's today for you Aneta, I'm holding onto the raft and you two in case you run into rough seas. Today, two things helped me. The priest at Mass during his sermon, corrected himself when he said, "He passed away, no, he passed on." I liked that much better. And then I ran into a poem in one of my books : I can't give credit as it just said by a poet. "Wish me Bon Voyage as you do a friend, Whose joyous visit finds its happy end. And bid me both "a Dieu!" and "au revoir!" Since, though I come no more, I shall be waiting there to greet you, at His Door." I'm rather sure the moms and all our loved ones will be crowding around to greet us. So, ladies, they've passed on to something extremely wonderful, something words can't describe and we'll see them again. I know it doesn't help the pain all that much. We miss them. But, we don't have to worry about them - we need to worry about us. And we're going to make it. OK, so I sunk a little yesterday. I'm determined to move that one tiny step forward every day. I told my sister I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My purpose for so long was taking care of Mom. She'd think me crazy if I said the only place I seem to belong right now is in the middle of a rough sea, looking for driftwood to build a raft because not every here swims like an Olympic swimmer. I also think I might belong in the White House. I can't be a queen, so that's my only bid for world domination. No, I think riding a white horse would be more fun. I shall end on a smile. I may not have time to post tomorrow, but Rachel, I will get those candles lit before I leave for the day. Forgot. When I go to post, I'm being thrown back to the beginning and have a terrible time finding the current posts. So my apologies if I don't answer everyone's questions. Just ask again please. It's because I'm not seeing all the posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 22 Members Report Share Posted February 22 Hello Andy, I’m so sorry about your Wednesday, but I’m glad you went to sleep at least one hour earlier , I feel like when you sleep well enough the next day is automatically a little bit better and easier. Andy you write so well, I could read a whole book written by you. Everything you write is so encouraging and gives me hope. I hope you both have a great day tomorrow and that you will find a reason to smile Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 23 Author Members Report Share Posted February 23 Hi Andy and Aneta, I hope you both are doing ok today, I’m having a rough day. My friend mentioned Easter and it will be the first holiday since mom passed (technically Christmas was but we were all so shocked and distraught that we barely even acknowledged it). My mom sang a song to us every Easter when we were kids and we did our Easter egg hunt and she ended up continuing to sing it as we got older and kept going as adults. If I was with her in person she would sing it or if not she would sing it over the phone and I realized I will never hear her sing it again and I just broke down crying, couldn’t catch my breath type of crying. You never think the last time of something will be the last. I would give anything to hear her sing it again and am missing her so much. Andy my support group went well last night, so comforting and makes me not feel alone, I am so glad I found it. The other girl that also lost her mom waited for me again and walked out with me to our cars and we exchanged numbers to keep supporting each other, I told her to text me any time if she wants to chat. Are you going to try your group again? I was definitely holding onto your arm yesterday as you were mine today, these water have been so rough lately! I’m sure Aneta is grabbing the raft too. Those two quotes are wonderful and helpful, thank you for sharing them with us. I also believe our loved ones will be waiting for us and that also brings me to tears. I know they are looking down on us and smiling and wanting us to be happy and in time we will. Right now I feel like I will always be sad but I know eventually I will look back at memories and smile instead of cry. Thank you ahead of time Andy for lighting the candle tomorrow, I have to work but I will light mine when I get home. Thank you Aneta for your encouraging words. Good night, talk soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 25 Members Report Share Posted February 25 Hello Rachel and Aneta! I will indeed be returning to the grief group on Tuesday. I'm determined to give it a try, besides, I have to pay for the book the leader ordered for me. That's incentive, when you owe money, you'd better make an appearance. This past week not only have I felt our ocean waves, but I'm also feeling like I'm in a jungle with a tiny machete, trying to work my way through thousands of vines while bugs bite me. After I thought of that, I quickly went back to the ocean, where it's much cooler and my buddies are. Don't go to the jungle. Stay in the water. I prefer sharks to bugs. Wait a minute. We haven't seen any sharks, right? I've had what I thought was the return of my migraine headache that took me a year to get rid of and that's what threw me into the jungle. I was fussing (worrying, Aneta, in case you haven't seen that word before) about it so I went to the emergency room instead of waiting to see the doctor on Monday. The doctor was so nice and I had an equally pleasant male nurse. Male nurses are rare in my town. Do you have many, Rachel? Anyway, my headache was declared a tension headache and I have a prescription to go to a hot tub (a month trial membership at a local health club). That's why my migraine medicine didn't work. Hopefully, my poor head will feel better soon. A friend just invited me to breakfast tomorrow, so I have a pre-church meal, which will make my Sunday just a little different. I also had coffee with a church acquaintance and we talked for 2 hours. We plan to chat again later one. Now if you two could just get me to do some of my cleaning and sorting, I'd be in good shape if you don't count the crying and missing. Rachel, I've been crying just like you. No wonder I have the headache. Tonight I'm passing along one thing the doctor "prescribed". He asked me what I like to do. Ride horses, but it's too cold. Then I told him genealogy. He said to relax, and work on my genealogy for a long as I want and thoroughly get into it and enjoy it. Don't worry about anything or think of anything else, as much as possible. I thought that's probably something the three of us can do - choose something we enjoy and concentrate on it for as long as we want to and get a small break from the pain. I know it won't go away, but I've noticed with me, that I can be distracted momentarily - such as the coffee meeting with the church friend. I even talked about Mom a little and did fine. The grocery store got me later - memory attack, but I made it home. Anyway, sometime this week, I'm going to give it a try and I'll report back. I may be trying to read old German writing in Swiss records and get a worse headache. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to pick up around the house. Where have I heard that before? As I wish you both a good night and sweet dreams, allow me to stress how important you two are. you encourage me, keep me afloat in the ocean and read what I write (thank you). I'm sure you're doing these same things with the people you meet throughout your day. You two are a blessing. I'll say it again, God has good things planned for you. Let's just keep taking our raft one splash each day across the ocean. After all, we work better than the United Nations. Could someone smuggle some coffee to me across the border? I'm supposed to cut out caffeine. Good night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 25 Author Members Report Share Posted February 25 Hi Andy, I’m so glad you will be going back to the grief group, I really hope it helps you in some way. Mine was similar in that all I had to pay was $25 for the work book so you know the people running it are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts as opposed to making money which is so kind and generous of them. Sorry to hear about your migraines returning, I can imagine stress is contributing to them but it was probably a relief to get checked out. Enjoy the hot tub! That sounds so nice and relaxing. We do have a few male nurses here but it’s mostly women, I think men tend to go to be doctors instead of nurses. I’ve had a rough weekend too, just really upset and the waves come and go. Sometimes they are so powerful I feel like I will never get my head above water, I am so tired of feeling sad all the time. I do agree with the doctors theory of focusing on things you enjoy to stay distracted and that does help, work is actually a big help as I’m so focused at work, she’s always in the back of my mind but I have to focus so I get a bit of a break from the intense sadness. And also being out with friends helps. I had a friend over last night to watch movies, I did have a good cry with her but was able to then eat dinner and watch movies and be distracted. I understand completely about the picking up around the house, I did a quick tidy up yesterday before she came over but otherwise I have no energy to do any deep cleaning. Did you get any tidying done today? You are also very important Andy, you are very wise and kind and I appreciate all your words of wisdom, encouragement and support. We will continue to get stronger everyday together. Aneta, I hope you are well, let us know how your day was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 26 Members Report Share Posted February 26 Rachel, The forum is acting up a bit. It didn't give me a place to answer other than my reply from yesterday, so I deleted it to write this. We'll see what happens. Today, I had breakfast at the Knights of Columbus Hall with my late friend's husband and his neighbors. That was fun and the food was good. Then I made it to church in plenty of time and afterward ran an errand for the priest (batteries, which I'll deliver tomorrow). And next I tried to continue with the paper work and the ocean swells hit me again. I crumbled and clung onto the raft again. It's good to have you and Aneta around. After that my sister called and we talked a long time, so my sorting of papers did not go very well. I should have some time tomorrow after church and a little time with the coffee group. My headache was better until I cried and got upset, so I think the doctor is right and I just need to relax more. I'm going to try, but as you know, we're not over the high waves yet. It's just going to take awhile. I feel the same way you do about being sad all the time. Body, mind, heart and soul all have to work together to accept that our Moms still love us, aren't dead dead, but are living a different way with God and they gave us all The tools we need to survive and even thrive without them. I'm sure they know what their loved ones are doing - that link of love is strong and God created that, so He wouldn't be wasting it - they must be able to know what's going on to some extent. The trouble is we miss them and no one can really replace them, so we're in a pickle.(big mess, Aneta). Slowly, we'll be able to swim a bit. We just have to wait until those parts of us realize God is helping us, people are helping us, prayers are helping us and we're strong enough to enjoy life again so that we're smiling more, the memories of the moms bring grins, some tears, but not those awful waves. And we three can do it. A quick story. My cousin has lost her parents, her husband and her son. The most recent was her son who drowned. She's been able to build a new life with the help of three close friends, her church and her interests, as well as her neighbors with whom she's become close. She told me she still has her moments (you know, ocean waves). We'll always want our moms. Just maybe we won't have to get slapped in the face by the waves every time we think of them. And remember, the moms are in bliss. They're happy campers. We've got the hard part and we can do it. We're their daughters, after all. I just thought of an old song that made me cry when I was 3 (well, okay, I was older than that.) I can't remember the title, but a teenager's girlfriend had died, I think in an accident, and he's singing something like, "Oh where, oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. And now I know that I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world." I never wanted to listen to the song. It was heart-breaking. Now if we have to be good to see the moms, well, we can do that, too. But I still prefer that saying from the murder mystery where the son was depressed because now his deceased mother would know and could see everything he was doing. And now I'd better tackle those papers again! Good night! Have a good Monday, you two, and anyone else reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 26 Members Report Share Posted February 26 Hello Rachel and Andy, I also had a rough weekend and I relate to having no energy to clean around the house. These days I only tidy up before someone comes to visit (my sister etc.) that’s the only thing that will make me clean. I could literally sit and do nothing for hours. Would you mind sharing with me what you do in your grief support groups and how it works? I’m sure there are some in my country too I just never heard about it and didn’t do any research. But only If you don’t mind sharing your experience. Andy thank you so much for the translation . Definitely adding pickle and fussing to my vocabulary. And I’m very sorry about your migraines, when are you going to the hot tub to help you relax? I also think focusing on things that you like is a great idea I just have problems focusing these days. I can focus quite easily at work but at home I can’t concentrate on anything. I tried reading but after two pages I’m in my own thoughts, tried drawing also couldn’t concentrate. Music has been quite a big distraction for me. I always have to have something playing at home it’s either songs or tv I just can’t stand silence. I kept one of my moms shirt and didn’t wash it so I could smell it for comfort (I know it might be weird) and noticed that the smell is going away and that made me cry to the point that I couldn’t breath properly and I thought I was going to pass out. But I stopped now and I’m hoping for a better tomorrow and I’m just reminding myself that I’m fine and my mom is now safe and ok. I also hope you two have a nice day tomorrow and a reason to smile. Thank you for being here and just know you are so loved and that we are going to get through this. goodnight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 27 Members Report Share Posted February 27 Aneta, Rachel, it's so good to have you two to talk to. I know the feeling that comes when a scent disappears or you have to wash that special garment you've been wearing or hugging. I saved my dad's socks and I HAD to wash them. Aneta, I wish your mother's lovely scent was still there, how I wish it, but it's still an important item and can still represent her. I'm rather thinking our moms would want us to wash things. Try to look at it that way and smile. It's so difficult, I know. I was upset when Dad's scent vanished from his jacket that I was wearing and recently I had to wash one of Mom's sweatshirts that I was always putting on. Why does everything have to be so difficult for us? Because we loved them and they loved us and we miss that comforting, protective love that surrounded us. And who else could we really, really talk to? Well, we can still talk to them. Who's to say they can't hear us? And that love we have still exists. I believe that. It's a link that we'll always have. I think I told Rachel this, but a priest who used to be at my church, told me that we don't have to worry that they won't be able to find us. He said they'll know where we are. We don't have to worry if we move. They'll know. So, that makes sense. Jesus talks a lot about love, so they certainly are keeping track of us how ever they're allowed to. I suppose even Heaven has rules. I'll stop rambling (in this case, going on and on) now. My headache could be tension no doubt caused by all the things we three talk about. Tomorrow, I'm going to stop and ask about the hot tub. I probably won't start it until my sister and I get back from a short trip we're taking next week.I'm taking my computer along so I can still write to you both, but don't worry if I don't write every day. It'll be because we doing something or I'm worn out from sightseeing. The grief group I'm in has two men and five women and the leader who is a minister. We each have a book that has daily tasks for us to do - read short information and then answer some questions. At the meeting, the leader shows a video that covers the subject being discussed. Then the leader asks us some questions about how we felt about what the person in the video said. Then we go over our "homework" and if we want to talk about how we felt about the lessons in the book, we an. Or we can say nothing. She also asks how our weeks was and everyone has a chance to say how they're feeling or what's helped them or not. Such as someone might say they have trouble going home because no one there. Or I might say I'm having trouble getting through the day without crying. And, I assume, people can then agree and perhaps tell what helped them. I've only been to one, so I don't know what's every week and what's something someone just wanted to talk about. I'll know better later. Rachel, I'm sure, has a better explanation since she's been at it longer. It's getting late, so I'm going to head off to supper now. I actually painted a wooden design to hang on my door for Easter and it didn't look too bad at all. That took my mind off things for a bit. I'm not much of an artist. You mentioned drawing, Aneta, why don't you try a little something? And I'll read a paragraph in a book if you will. We could finish a book in five years that way! I still can't make myself read much either. Rachel, how was your day? I'm hoping my grief group seems more like yours tomorrow. I'll let you know, well both of you know. Good night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 27 Author Members Report Share Posted February 27 Hi Andy and Aneta, Aneta I too know the feeling you get when a scent disappears, I was smelling my moms sweater and coat everyday and then when I realized the scent was disappearing I was devastated. We’ll just have to keep the scent in our minds. I do find hugging her coat and sweater when I’m upset a bit comforting, not as good as an actual hug from mom, but still comforting. I believe they can hear us, I really do. I talk to mom everyday multiple times a day, most times I can’t get through it without crying and I know she’s looking down at me and wishing I would stop crying and if she was here she would wipe my tears away. I think all our moms are wishing we would not cry and try to be happy knowing they are in Heaven and at peace but it’s not that simple is it, the waves sure get rough at times. My grief group has 2 men and 9 women and is run by the pastors wife, a pastor also sits in on the meetings. Andy summarized it very well, the only difference with mine is we open and close with a prayer. We watch a video on the weeks topic and then talk about it after, each week has a different grief topic. We also can share personal stories or how we are feeling or like Andy said, can just sit and listen, no one is obligated to talk but it’s encouraged. Mine is 1 1/2 hours long and I almost feel like it should be longer for more of a discussion. Aneta, I really think you should try to see if there are any groups near you, I’ve only gone to two meetings but I feel like it’s helping and comforting in a way to be around others who feel the same way I do, makes me not feel so alone. I actually look forward to going. I know the feeling of finding it difficult to concentrate when I’m home or basically when I’m alone, work so a good distraction but I think in time the fog will life a bit for us. My day was busy at work Andy, thanks for askifng, you know the usual busy Monday, not much time to relax after working all day and back at it tomorrow. I hope you have a great trip with your sister! Have a good night both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 28 Members Report Share Posted February 28 Hello Rachel and Andy I also talk to mom everyday and I say hi to her when I come home and say goodbye when I’m leaving. And I do still hug and kiss her shirt even tho her smell is almost gone just for comfort and just so I have something at home that kind of represents her. Andy that trip with your sister sounds so nice, where are you going for a trip? (If you don’t mind taking about it ) Thank you both for explaining the grief groups. It’s sounds nice, especially the part where you don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it, I was a bit scared I would be questioned and pushed to talk about it, I don’t know if I would be able to do that so easily. But I think I’m going to look it up after what you have explained I feel like I could really benefit from that. Rachel hugging your mom’s coat and sweater is very understandable. I know that feeling of comfort it gives you And how are you doing Rachel? How are you managing these days? Anything that made you smile? I hope you both have a nice day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 29 Members Report Share Posted February 29 Hi Rachel and Aneta! If I don't answer something someone has asked me, please ask again? I'm not always seeing what everyone has written. My computer is doing strange things with our chats. I had my second group meeting yesterday (sorry I didn't write yesterday, it was a long day and I was very tired). I felt more comfortable with them and someone else talked less than me. Yes, I managed to talk a couple of times, so they'd know I was alive. My trip with my sister is going to be to the northern part of Missouri. We're staying in a small town and plan to look around the other small towns in the area. The drive down to Missouri should be nice as we plan to follow the Mississippi River on the way, going down in Illinois and back up through Iowa. Both ways as close to the river as we can get. We can see things such as Walt Disney's boyhood home and General Pershing's birthplace (World War I general) and then there's the town where sliced bread was invented (the machine to slice bread, that is). Just some fun little things to do including doing some hiking/walking in parks. We had some bad storms yesterday. A tornado warning kept me home from my church group meeting. It was warm yesterday and today it's below freezing with strong winds. Later it's back to being warmer. So, I spent today sorting through papers and crying a bit when I found some sentimental things like cards. I decided to see a professional counselor and my insurance will cover half the cost. I can't see the person until the end of March, just before Easter. Hopefully, that will help me get through Easter for the first time without Mom. Did you two do anything special on Easter with your mothers? My family usually went to church and then had a large family meal with ham (not my favorite) and a few side dishes, like potatoes and a vegetable as well as a dessert. Rachel, how are you doing in the ocean? I think we're going to need some more logs. The waves are getting high over here, but I'm hanging on. In my group, it was said that the third month into the sixth month can be the hardest. So watch out for the waves! Remember, ladies, we have each other and we're not alone. Give the shirts, coat, dinosaur, and whatever else we're cherishing right now and always a few more hugs. And hugs from a cold person in Illinois who needs to turn the heat up. Brrrr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted February 29 Author Members Report Share Posted February 29 Hi Andy and Aneta, I am having a really rough day, woke up sad, busy at work and then had my support group which I look forward to. We had the usual opening prayer, watch the video and then discuss the workbook and open discussion. I barely said a few words, was just feeling so sad and I knew if I started talking I would burst into tears (others were crying too but I felt like I wouldn’t be able to control myself). At the end, one of the older ladies came up to me and asked if she could hug me, I told her I was really sad today and did cry but just a few tears. It ended up in everyone crying and hugging, it was really nice and I felt like we all really bonded tonight. My dad calls every Wednesday night after the group to see how it went and he just sounded so sad tonight, I literally can’t take listening to him cry on the phone with me, my heart is breaking for him. He said he misses mom so much and asked me when that will start to ease, I told him I still cry literally every day, sometimes multiple times a day and it will take time. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but hearing him like that just made me even more sad. love him so much and don’t want to have to worry about him (just got through worrying about mom when she was sick, I want a break from the worrying but unfortunately that doesn’t seem like it will happen). Just a really sad day for me, I think I cried for an hour straight tonight. Andy, the waves are really bad right now, thank goodness we have our raft. Aneta, were you able to look into any groups near you? Andy your trip with your sister sounds like it will be lovely, enjoy yourself! We’ve also had some crazy weather, when I went to the group tonight the winds were so strong my car was moving and it was snowing pretty hard. It’s now currently -18 but it was +8 earlier today. Such a strange winter we are having! I hope the professional counselor helps, you’ll have to let us know how it goes. For Easter we did the same, church and a family dinner, definitely won’t be the same this year, as will any holiday. The one I am dreading is Mother’s Day, I’m sure that will be a really hard day for all of us. We definitely need some more logs Andy. Thank you ladies for all your support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 29 Members Report Share Posted February 29 Hello Andy and Rachel Rachel I’m so sorry to hear about your tough day but it’s nice to hear that you bonded with the group today while hugging and crying. It must be so painful to see your dad like this but I’m sure it’s also hard for him to see you so sad. But at least you got each other and share your tips and ideas on how to continue with life together. I also know the exhaustion from worrying first about your mom being sick and now worrying about your dad. I’m sending you so much energy and love and just know that it will get a little better, sometimes when I’m crying and having the worst time I remind myself that it will be a little better maybe the next morning or next day it’s just a chance to start over and be a bit better. But it is also ok to cry whenever if it’s in the group or in the supermarket or at home just do what feels best for you, people will always understand. Crazy to hear about the weather where you live. I hope you are both staying safe. I have never seen or hear of a tornado so it really sounds like something from a movie to me. We are currently on 14 degrees during the day (57 degrees Fahrenheit for you) Andy I feel so proud for you to seek a counselor and I hope you will gain so much from it. It’s also nice that you can get your insurance to cover half of it. For Easter we did color/dye eggs with my mom ( I don’t know if its a thing in America) and then we had Easter dinner and then my mom hid chocolate eggs and sweets in the garden and me and my sister went egg hunting (yes we did that even tho we are both grown ups because it is a tradition that I never wanted to let go) And as Rachel said I think the worst for me will be Mother’s Day too.. everyone talking about moms and all the commercials for Mother’s Day I don’t know how I will handle that. I have looked into the grief groups and I messaged one place today so I’m waiting for a reply if they have space for me in the group. And yes we do need more logs asap. Hope you have a nice day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted February 29 Members Report Share Posted February 29 Rachel, Aneta, well, it's my turn. Crying like crazy this afternoon. This is really a terrible way to spend the day, isn't it? I think working on cleaning and sorting papers isn't the best therapy, but I need to get it done so I can do a thorough house cleaning. All it took was the state government to tell me I needed 2023 tax information after I'd spent over a month trying to get the 2022 stuff they wanted. It took my application into a new deadline. All I was trying to do was get a discount on my car license plates. Now I have to start over and I'll pay full price as it renews in June. I have no hope that I'll have everything they want by then. Rachel, I can't remember if you mentioned this or not, but was your mother under hospice care? If so, the hospice Mom was helped by offers help for survivors as well. They sometimes have people you can talk to, groups, crafts, woodworking, you know what I've been mentioning now and then. They're all a little different, but it might be something you could suggest your dad look into. Also, I checked out one of the local recreation places and they had a swimming pool (remember I don't swim well, but they also had classes and some things surely are available in the evening. Maybe your dad would enjoy getting some extra exercise if there's someplace like that where he lives. Clubs also need members, does he have any interests there might be a club for? I know these things don't even come close to filling-in for your mother (they haven't for me either), but they can get the mind onto other things even for a short time. I think that must help on the journey across the ocean. It doesn't feel like it, but I think it's working its magic. I wish there was something really fantastic I could think of to help your dad. Of course, it would help us, too, not to be concentrating on just us. Here in the U.S.A., we have the same Easter celebrations. We, too, in my family have dyed eggs, hidden them and tried to find them, only to miss one and wonder what that smell is 3 months later. We kept doing it even when the "kids" were grown. Mom and I also celebrated with a Cadbury chocolate egg to remind us of our visit to England. I've also created an egg tree outside, hanging plastic eggs to a tree. It's a dash of color as the trees don't have their leaves yet here. What do you two think helps you the most? I think with me it's my religion. It helps me to realize the moms are not dead and gone. They're alive in a different way in a different place and it's wonderful beyond imagining. It also is a little comforting for me going to the morning Masses I thought my priest was crazy to suggest. And the things we've heard or that have happened to Rachel and I that have seemed to be messages that the moms are okay.Did you read any of that Aneta? If not, we can tell you about them. Secondly, going out and doing things in general is helpful. Right now though, I feel my life is changing. Reminds me of that quote, because I know I can't go back and I don't really like the now all that much, too many waves, so it's forward into the future. I just wish I had some idea of what I'm supposed to end up doing. The ocean today has had some high waves (Thanks a lot State of Illinois) and I've found three new logs for the raft. You know, just before that big wave builds, the water draws back - saw three logs and grabbed them. This could be a tear warning, but there was a cartoon in the paper last year before Memorial Day, when our tradition is to put flowers wreaths, hanging baskets and such on graves. The cartoon shows a group of saintly people sitting on a cloud and one man is saying, "Wish I had taken more time to stop and smell the roses." The next scene is his family having left a pot filled with roses on the man's grave and as they're walking away, a little girl says, "I hope Grandad likes those flowers we put on his grave." As she says this, her little brother turns back to look at the grave and sees the ghostly outline of his grandfather smelling the roses. Aneta, Rachel, we are very much in the deep ocean where we can't put our feet down. The waves hit us every day and just not once. Once would be a good day. We know we have friends, groups, books, videos, meditation, prayers, hope and other resources to keep us afloat, but none of that seems to be able to replace the person we lost, and they shouldn't be able to replace them. Since we can't see them right now, we can only keep trying to swim so we can remember them and not cry for 5 hours. They're worth our struggles right now. We can do this and we will. Pass the logs. Did anyone bring any rope? We have friendship to keep those logs together. Who needs rope? You two better be smiling just a little. And have a good night's sleep. We'll make it. We're going to be sad for some time, but one day we'll be smiling more, still missing the moms, but able to smile more. Sweet dreams. Aneta, here's one for your dictionary. Don't let the bedbugs bite. It's a saying in my family that we've said for ages, but we've never had bedbugs. I believe there was a time when people's beds were more welcoming to the little critters (creatures, animals). Where do I get these sayings? More later. I must be writing a book or seem like it with this message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted February 29 Members Report Share Posted February 29 Andy I’m so sorry to hear about your tough day today, but we are here if you need to talk to someone. Frustrating to hear about your license plate situation I was just doing my moms taxes this evening- I’m obliged to do my moms taxes for the 11 days of 2024 that she was alive and I have to finish them by April at the latest so I asked for a form that I have to fill in and they told me they don’t give out forms for 2024 until the end of the year so I asked how I’m supposed fill it out a form that will exist in December when I’m obliged to fill it out in April and none was able to give me an answer. I find a lot of these paper work and stuff you have to do quite confusing and everyone is acting like you should know, like it’s a thing you do everyday. please share about the things that happened or the signs or messages that you saw with Rachel about your moms, if you don’t mind of course. What helps me the most? That’s a hard question. I think what helps me the most is knowing that my mom is proud of me and appreciates how I cared about her and I know she would choose me as her daughter in another 10 lives. And it also helps me to know that we didn’t have any unresolved things and that I don’t regret anything. To explain better- when my dad died I was quite young and I didn’t appreciate life that much. I didn’t think parents could die so soon if that makes sense so there is a lot more that I would want to resolve with my dad and a lot that I would like to tell him or ask him and I feel like I didn’t appreciate him being alive that much but with mom we lived to the fullest and we did a lot of things together and talked all the time and I know it sounds cringy but we really lived everyday like it was the last day. And we always let each other know how much we loved and appreciated each other and I thanked her all the time for the way she raised me and she thanked me all the time for the way I took care of her when being an adult. So this is what helps me the most, the feeling of doing 100% for my mom and not having any: I should have said this, I shouldn’t have said this I should have done this or I shouldn’t have done this. wow that was a long explanation but I hope you understand what I mean. That’s what keeps me going the thought that my mom is somewhere in heaven with other moms and she is pointing at me and proudly saying : that’s my daughter. Andy I have to say it again I absolutely love the way you write. I could really read a book from you. I actually think I’ve heard the don’t let the bed bugs bite but I’ve never really understood why there should be bugs in your bed, so thank you for the explanation. try to relax and have a good night sleep tonight and there is a new chance to feel a little better tomorrow. We are here if you need to talk whenever. You are strong and you are loved! good night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted March 2 Members Report Share Posted March 2 Aneta and Rachel, I'll begin by saying I had a nice treat tonight. My friend's husband talked me into going to the American Legion (Aneta, it's a club for former military personnel) fish dinner. He was serving dinners, but he gave me a glass of wine and the cook gave me a piece of lemon cake to take home. The lady who sat with me and I had a nice talk and she got some cake, too. Can't beat extra lemon cake and the fish was good. I'll let Rachel tell you her messages. She'll do it better than me. Not too long after Mom died, I asked God to let me know if my mother and father were okay. I said I needed a sign that was very clear in its message. Not some bird flying by in my mom's favorite color. The next day I was driving home from the grocery store. I didn't want any kind of music near me for some reason after Mom died. Usually I listen to the radio in the car. I wasn't going to, but I just felt like turning it on suddenly, so I did. There was a song on that I barely listened to - I just knew it wasn't the type of music I liked and the lyrics weren't making much sense to me. I was about to turn it off, when I heard quite clearly, "Your mommy's all right, you're daddy's all right." My jaw dropped open. What are the odds of that happening? I turned off the radio and kept saying those words over and over again. Then I said, "Thanks, God." I later told my story to a woman I met and she knew who the singers were. They were a local group. That also amazed me. The second message came after a rough day when I felt completely alone, unloved, lacking my mom and wondering what I was supposed to do now and how I could go on alone. So, having not learned my lesson earlier, I said, "God, I won't ask again about this, but I just need to have some kind of sign that I'll recognize that everything's okay, I don't remember my exact words and I probably didn't make complete sense now that I think of it. So what do I do the next day? I get into the car, turn on the radio and as I'm driving, I hear a song say, "Baby, you're not alone. Baby, you're not alone." I say aloud in the car, "Okay, God, I've got it. Thank you." And then I look around to make sure I actually don't have anyone in the car with me. I now think God communicates to me through songs on the radio. Moses had his burning bush, I have the radio. In both instances, I wasn't at the time thinking or looking for a sign from above. I was surprised. It seems unlikely that these songs, which I'd never heard before, so they weren't that popular, at least with me, should be played just at that time, just after I'd asked for a sign. I'm willing to say they could be signs/answers to my prayer and soI I've decided to assume they are. Since it can't be proved either way, I'm going for "they're answers." I'm honored, Aneta, that you're enjoying my writing. I've been working on a children's book and hope to finish it when things settle down a little. A friend edited it for me and I have changes to make. I actually agreed with the things he thought should be changed. I think that comes from having written for a newspaper. Editors were always changing things. One time an editor changed one of my paragraphs and it completely changed the meaning of what the person said. I caught it in time to talk to her about the problem and she changed it back to the way I had it. I would have had an angry person calling me. I hope both of you had a good day today. And thank you Aneta for telling us what helps you. Now I'm off to bed. Best wishes for a Saturday with some slightly smaller waves. Just in case, I'm looking for more logs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted March 3 Members Report Share Posted March 3 Rachel and Aneta, how are you doing? Do you think the weekends are the hardest days? I'm just checking in. I haven't been out much, although I did the church thing. Mostly I've been working on those papers and trying pick up things around the house. Today is very nice and I should be outside, but I'm not packed for the trip. That's my next goal. I haven't felt very cheerful today. In fact, I'm grumpy. (out of sorts, not satisfied). I've definitely got to get back on my diet. Everything is getting tight, yet I still don't have any will power. I'll try not to eat a lot on the trip, but when I get back, I'll have to be stern with myself regarding food and getting out and walking. How have your days and nights been, you two? I had too add this to an earlier message I wrote, so in case you miss it. It's below. Have a good Monday. I'll write as often as I can this coming week, but I can't be sure I can write every day, so don't worry if you don't hear from me. I hope our silence over the weekend means we're leaning on the raft and doing some kicking forward in the ocean. In other words, maybe getting just a little bit stronger? No, that's not really the right word. Getting a little bit of healing going on. Boy, that empty pain business is terrible. Have a good week and remember we're not alone. Aneta and Rachel, I'll begin by saying I had a nice treat tonight. My friend's husband talked me into going to the American Legion (Aneta, it's a club for former military personnel) fish dinner. He was serving dinners, but he gave me a glass of wine and the cook gave me a piece of lemon cake to take home. The lady who sat with me and I had a nice talk and she got some cake, too. Can't beat extra lemon cake and the fish was good. I'll let Rachel tell you her messages. She'll do it better than me. Not too long after Mom died, I asked God to let me know if my mother and father were okay. I said I needed a sign that was very clear in its message. Not some bird flying by in my mom's favorite color. The next day I was driving home from the grocery store. I didn't want any kind of music near me for some reason after Mom died. Usually I listen to the radio in the car. I wasn't going to, but I just felt like turning it on suddenly, so I did. There was a song on that I barely listened to - I just knew it wasn't the type of music I liked and the lyrics weren't making much sense to me. I was about to turn it off, when I heard quite clearly, "Your mommy's all right, you're daddy's all right." My jaw dropped open. What are the odds of that happening? I turned off the radio and kept saying those words over and over again. Then I said, "Thanks, God." I later told my story to a woman I met and she knew who the singers were. They were a local group. That also amazed me. The second message came after a rough day when I felt completely alone, unloved, lacking my mom and wondering what I was supposed to do now and how I could go on alone. So, having not learned my lesson earlier, I said, "God, I won't ask again about this, but I just need to have some kind of sign that I'll recognize that everything's okay, I don't remember my exact words and I probably didn't make complete sense now that I think of it. So what do I do the next day? I get into the car, turn on the radio and as I'm driving, I hear a song say, "Baby, you're not alone. Baby, you're not alone." I say aloud in the car, "Okay, God, I've got it. Thank you." And then I look around to make sure I actually don't have anyone in the car with me. I now think God communicates to me through songs on the radio. Moses had his burning bush, I have the radio. In both instances, I wasn't at the time thinking or looking for a sign from above. I was surprised. It seems unlikely that these songs, which I'd never heard before, so they weren't that popular, at least with me, should be played just at that time, just after I'd asked for a sign. I'm willing to say they could be signs/answers to my prayer and soI I've decided to assume they are. Since it can't be proved either way, I'm going for "they're answers." I'm honored, Aneta, that you're enjoying my writing. I've been working on a children's book and hope to finish it when things settle down a little. A friend edited it for me and I have changes to make. I actually agreed with the things he thought should be changed. I think that comes from having written for a newspaper. Editors were always changing things. One time an editor changed one of my paragraphs and it completely changed the meaning of what the person said. I caught it in time to talk to her about the problem and she changed it back to the way I had it. I would have had an angry person calling me. I hope both of you had a good day today. And thank you Aneta for telling us what helps you. Now I'm off to bed. Best wishes for a Satu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted March 3 Members Report Share Posted March 3 Hello Andy and Rachel, I hope you’ll enjoy your trip and there’s no need to worry about messaging us. We will be waiting here for you to share all experiences from the trip and everything that you got to do. I actually don’t think weekends are worse for me as I work shifts throughout the week so weekends don’t mean free days for me. I’m in my moms cottage or holiday house or whatever you would call that in America, which makes me have a lot of emotions- I love it here so much and have a lot of memories from here with my mom but it’s also kind of hard being here on my own. Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding eating while on a trip, just try to enjoy it and eat whatever and I’m sure you’ll get back on track when you’re back home. That’s really cool that you are writing a children’s book. Your writing really is amazing and inspiring so I hope you’ll find the time and energy to finish it once you are in the mood for writing. enjoy your trip and stay safe! Looking forward to hearing from you and Rachel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted March 4 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4 Hi ladies, I’ve had a busy weekend, worked Saturday and then had regular errands to run today. I’ve been feeling really sad and exhausted lately, mentally, physically and emotionally and am ready for this to ease up a bit but unfortunately I don’t think that will happen any time soon. I am just so tired of feeling sad all the time. Andy I do think weekends are harder for me, part of it is with mom passing on a Friday and I think it’s also not having the distraction of work. When I’m home I’m sad a lot as she’s always on my mind and even when I’m out with friends we will talk about her or I’ll think about her, she’s always in the back of my mind. But at work I have to concentrate, she’s still always in my thoughts but I have a lot more distractions. I hope you have a great trip with your sister, lots of laughs, good food (you can get back on your diet when you get back) and of course a few tears. Aneta, I hope you had a good weekend. You were asking about signs (I told Andy about this when it happened) - my mom loved owls, has owly things all over the house, I even bought her an owl snow globe for Christmas that I have on my dresser with her pictures. After she passed I prayed and prayed for a sign to know she was at peace, I couldn’t even begin to heal unless I knew that. I started going on long walks and frantically looking for the typical signs, rainbows, feathers or seeing a cardinal and got nothing. I was at my girls friends house on New Year’s Eve talking about mom and crying and she went to get a Kleenex box from the cupboard and handed it to me and there was an owl on it. We were both so shocked (how often do you see an owl on a Kleenex box? I’ve never seen one) and we immediately thought it was her trying to tell me she’s at peace. After that we watched a movie and the actress was putting on mascara and said she thought she looked like an owl. So owls twice in one night. My friend even said how appropriate for her to have it on the Kleenex box as if to say don’t be sad, I’m ok. In my heart I know it was a sign. She passed on Dec 22nd and to get a sign so close I thought was her trying to make sure I was ok. It meant so much to me, I have a picture of the Kleenex box in my phone that I will keep forever. Have you gotten any signs? I hope you both have a good day tomorrow, hang on tight to the raft and watch out for those powerful waves, I know they can come on suddenly and take our breath away but we always manage to swim back over to the raft. We’ll get through this one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted March 7 Members Report Share Posted March 7 Hello Rachel and Aneta! Just checking in. Is everyone okay? I don't see any posts and I'm worried about you. Hope everything is going good and that's why you haven't posted. That would be great news! I'm not near that spot myself, but if you two are it would be very fantastic to know you're doing better. Just remember to leave me some wood for the raft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted March 7 Members Report Share Posted March 7 I forgot to mention. That I did pretty good on my trip. Only a couple of sad times. It's because of you two being so supportive. I'll be back to my normal schedule soon. I've taken some walks, toured a convent and a monastery, went to an animal refuge and saw ducks and that's about it, looked over the town and tried to visit a museum but it didn't open at all. We kept checking back, but although a note said "back at 10" - no one ever came back. I saw that your wrote, Rachel. Your message didn't show up right away on my computer. I do hope you're doing better. I think I am sometimes, but then, as they warned in the books, I slide back several steps. Keeping busy seems to help, but then I wonder if I'm avoiding it and making things worse. I think now I do realize the situation and perhaps need to try to like other things that I'm doing. I know they can't replace Mom, but nothing really can, so I just need to keep trying. It is, however, extremely hard. Do you feel the same way? More logs for the raft please. And, Rachel, I'm so proud of you going back to work like you do. We're still going through the same thing. It seems when we're busy, we're a bit better. But at home, there's a lot more sadness. I never really stop thinking about Mom being gone. However, I can't stay busy every minute of the day. How do you suppose we battle the sadness when things get quiet? This terrible empty pit inside of me just won't go away. I know it takes time. I suppose we all just need more time. Gather round the raft with me and we'll keep trying to swim through the waves. I'm so blessed to have you with me. I wish you weren't with me. I wish you were happy. Please forgive me if I don't sound like I'm making sense. I'm very, very tired after a long day of driving and touring. I'm supposed to be resting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted March 7 Author Members Report Share Posted March 7 Hi ladies, I’ve having a sad moment in the bathroom at work so I thought I would get on her quickly to say hi. Andy I’m go glad to hear you had a good time on your trip, it’s a nice distraction. I wish I was doing better, sadly that is not the case. I literally cry everyday and have cried daily since her diagnosis and am ready to feel better but feel like I never will. I honestly feel like I will be sad for the rest of my life and have only sad days to look forward to. I know everything is still fresh but I honestly can’t see me ever getting over this loss, mom truly was my best friend and biggest supporter in everything and I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me with her. I am just so incredibly sad and sick of trying to put on a happy face at work when I just want to cry. I do have ok days, I wouldn’t say good days at all and some really bad days and lately I’ve had more really bad days than ok ones. I’m ready to get off this roller coaster now as I’m sure you are too. The grief support group is helping, had a meeting last night, Andy are you still going to yours? Thank you Andy for saying you are proud of me for going back to work, it is a good distraction but sometimes the brain fog is really bad, everyday is a struggle for me but I’m trying so hard. I don’t know how to battle the sadness when things get quiet, I try to look at happy pictures of her and play her owl snow globe but everything just makes me cry. I wish I had an answer for those times. I am also so thankful for your support and Aneta too. Aneta, how are you doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aneta Posted March 7 Members Report Share Posted March 7 Hello Rachel and Andy I’m sorry for not writing in a long time but these last couple of days have just been hard. I have been very numb and without energy. I have spent these days in bed or on the couch doing nothing. I even took some days off of work as I couldn’t fake being ok and just wanted to be alone and cry. I feel like I know what you are talking about Rachel and I wish I could hug you or do something to make you feel a little better. I also can’t imagine ever being happy or doing great and I know I shouldn’t think like that but how can I ever be happy without having my mom here? I know we will eventually learn to live without them and smile whenever we think of them I’m sure of that but I just can’t imagine ever being truly happy as there will always be a piece missing. But I know better days are coming for you Rachel as you said some days are okayish and some are worse and in time there will be more and more okayish days and on those worse days you will always have someone to talk to or support you to help you get through. Andy I’m glad you had a nice trip and hope that you came back well rested. I think I should stop being lazy and depressed and should use my time to work on the raft as I feel like we could all benefit from the raft being done. I hope some better days are coming for all of us and that we get to smile soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted March 10 Members Report Share Posted March 10 Rachel and Aneta, we are in the same boat, or I should say hanging on to the edge of our unfinished same raft with the waves getting higher and harder instead of smaller. I feel absolutely the same way both of you do. That does not bring me pleasure because I want you two to feel a lot better than I do. This is pure agony. I wish so many miles weren't between us because we could all use a big hug from people who are feeling the same way. I truly enjoyed the trip, although I was very aware that Mom should have been with us. I managed very few tears. But now that I'm back, I've had two days of big tears. When my sister walked into the house, she said, "Something is missing." I said, "Mom." I'm very upset most of the time. However, I, like you, Rachel, have some just okay times. When I went to church this morning, I'm sure my eyes looked red. Yesterday, I just stayed at home, cried, and had my last fat meals, as I'm on my diet again today. The problem is - I have no willpower. I love food. It takes a great deal of strength for me to stay on a diet and I know I have to do this. I can't gain more weight. However, I don't have that strength available. It's what I'm using to get through each day without Mom and that's falling apart. Still, I'm going to give it a try, yet again. Since I'm miserable, perhaps being miserable and on a diet will just mean one big miserable and I can manage that. We shall see. I don't have the answer for how we're feeling. Everyone tells me it's just going to take time and it will slowly get better. But I agree with you both, how can it get better when the moms are not going to be with us anymore. That will not change. While we live, we won't see them. Even knowing they're in Heaven, doesn't make me feel less miserable. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I can't stop that either. My sister took Mom's sewing machine home with her and that made me cry. Why? I don't sew and I'd probably never use it. Still, it was part of Mom, wasn't it? I'm still dealing with her estate and that makes me cry. Then there are all the household expenses and worries that I was handling when she was alive, but now they seem so huge and heavy to carry. I probably mentioned earlier, but Mom was my buddy, but I also lost my best friend last August and a year ago, my other best friend. I could talk to them about anything. And now all three of them are gone and there's no one on that same level for me to turn to. Of course I have my sister and she understands, but she's not going through the same type of grief. She's 150 miles away and that does make a difference. I'm so glad I've found the two of you! Tear warning: I also found a children's book called "Everywhere Still" by M.H. Clark. Does this describe us? "Sometimes the missing gets so big, it seems to swallow everything. It feels like there's a hole in me. That hole is where you used to be." The girl says she has so much love that has nowhere to go and then thinks what if love does knows where to go. So the book talks about her sending her love, which she now knows that it knows exactly where to go and she knows it gets there because she feels the love of her deceased grandmother (I think grandmother) coming to her. She recognizes it because it fills her heart and warms her. "I miss you and I love you. I know I always will. And even though you aren't here now, I feel you everywhere still. And that's when I remember that as far as you might be, it's love that keeps me close to you and keeps you close to me." At the end of the month, I'll be going to a professional counselor and I hope I get some good ideas from him/her. I'll pass along anything worthwhile. Today, I'm really feeling her absence. I need her to hug me. I don't feel like myself anymore. They say grief changes you. Perhaps that's happening. I do know that, Aneta, we need more logs. On the bright(?) side, if we ever become world leaders, we'd never start a war because we'd never want anyone to have to go through what we are now. So right now, we're wiser than a lot of people in the world. I'm trying to have my usual cheery departure. I'm not quite making it. Remember, ladies, one step forward even if it's a half step in a slipper is our only direction. There are three moms behind us wanting us to be happy. That's no doubt all they've ever wanted for us. We can do it. They're seeing their moms again right now. Think how happy they are. Now it's our turn to be without our physical moms, but their love is always with us. It's just going to take us a lot of time to make it through the ocean waves. We will do it. We have a purpose that's hiding right not, but something good will begin to shine through. I don't think we'll need suntan lotion anytime soon, by the way I feel tonight! I could be wrong. I often am. Have a good evening and know that my friendship knows where to go to find you and it's there right now to give you a big hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AMills Posted March 11 Members Report Share Posted March 11 Just a short note. I was at the priest's office today to deliver memorial money to the church and he wanted to talk to me. Guess what he wants me to do? Clean the church offices, dining room, kitchen and two small bathrooms. Volunteer work. I said I'd give it a try. I'm starting on Monday and then every other Monday, but I can do it once a month instead. I wonder how old he thinks I am? I don't know if I have enough energy to clean all that, but I'll see how the first one goes. I told him it wasn't something I'd want to do for a long time. At least it will be exercise! Hope you both have had good days. I've had a small cry, but I always feel like there's a wave ready to crash on me. More later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted March 12 Author Members Report Share Posted March 12 Hi ladies, I just wanted to say a quick hi and send big hugs to you both. I’m having another sad day but will try to write more tomorrow, had a long day at work today. P.S. Andy, that volunteer work might be a good distraction and also a very kind deed, I definitely think you should give it a try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RachelSH Posted March 15 Author Members Report Share Posted March 15 Hi Andy and Aneta, I wanted to write early this morning before the day gets busy, sorry I haven’t been on here much this week, it’s just been really busy at work and I’ve been exhausted. Do you ladies still struggle with fatigue? I know it’s part of the grief process but I feel so tired physically, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes the brain fog is really bad but I try to power through it. I had my grief support group Wednesday night and it was smaller I think due to March break so hopefully the rest will be back next week. We really are bonding with each other which I’m happy about. The pastor who joins us lost his son and he said he still has moments where he breaks down crying and in those moments will text a friend or another pastor and tell them he’s struggling and ask them to say a prayer for him. I thought that was such a good idea, so in those moments of such sadness we know there’s someone who can try to help us. I told two of my friends this and they both said they will willingly say a prayer when needed. Do you ladies think that might help you to have someone kind of on stand by for those moments? How are you doing Aneta? I know you were having a rough day last time you wrote. I hope you are holding onto our raft right! Andy I’m so sorry to hear that you also lost your two best friends, that is heart breaking. I am always here if you need to talk, I know it’s not the same as your best friends were but I will try to lift your spirits as best as I can. I also know the feeling of not quite feeling like yourself through this grief that you are experiencing. I feel like I don’t laugh like I used to and am really withdrawn, I do still go out but it feels almost like work now and takes real effort to go as most days I’m more comfortable being in my pjs on my couch with my Kleenex. I don’t know how long we will feel this way but I’m really hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel to eventually show itself. I know in my heart I will always love and miss mom everyday but I really want to start feeling better. I will do our candle ceremony today for all 3 moms. Hope you two are getting by ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now