The holidays...can't it just be April now

[RichS]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I asked her if she read the instructions I'd put on them and she said she didn't have her glasses.

It's good that she's not an Uber driver.............

[KayC]

43 minutes ago, RichS said:

It's good that she's not an Uber driver.............

She doesn't drive and her husband is disabled and can't drive.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Well, now the Christmas cards are starting to arrive.  I look at the envelope with only my name on there.  Used to be “Mr & Mrs” or “Rey & Veronica”.  Now just me.  Another reminder that Veronica is not here anymore.  😪

Trying to figure out what decorations to put up.  Set up Veronica’s nativity set which she liked so much.  Put a wreath on the front door, easy stuff.  Might bring down the Christmas themed coffee cups.  Can’t decide right now.  

[widower2]

On 12/4/2023 at 5:51 AM, KayC said:

We had our church potluck yesterday, I'd spent two hours making Keto Raviolis, the cheese slices were stuck hard to each other, I had to cut them apart, no easy feat.  The papers inbetween were maybe 1/3 in, that's it.  Finally got it done and cleaned up, took them to church with a note on it to heat to lukewarm in microwave, DO NOT OVERHEAT!  The Deaconess that did it literally sizzled them to death. I was swo upset! I asked her if she read the instructions I'd put on them and she said she didn't have her glasses.  Never bringing anything like that again.  Never!

 

ugh sorry Kay. What is it with people these days, it's like they're comatose... I think our parents were right: TV DID rot our brains. In fact, just today I was driving to work and was behind someone swerving all over the road. I thought "oh great, I'm behind a drunk" and prepared to call the cops at the next light...figures, I hit all greens...when we got on the interstate and I passed, turns out it was this old lady yapping on her stupid cell phone while driving, and I mean she had the phone right up to her face. I honestly wanted to crash into her so bad (but then I remembered I might get hurt too...darn). I'd also hoped she would stop somewhere before we got on the interstate so I could go "Excuse me ma'am, may I see that phone for a sec?" And if she gave it to me....HEAVED it out onto the highway, then got right in her face and went "WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING....JUST DRIVE. GET THE STUPID PHONE OUT WHEN YOU'RE DONE DRIVING." 

And folks ask me "why aren't you a people person?"  

 

45 minutes ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Well, now the Christmas cards are starting to arrive.  I look at the envelope with only my name on there.  Used to be “Mr & Mrs” or “Rey & Veronica”.  Now just me.  Another reminder that Veronica is not here anymore.  😪

Trying to figure out what decorations to put up.  Set up Veronica’s nativity set which she liked so much.  Put a wreath on the front door, easy stuff.  Might bring down the Christmas themed coffee cups.  Can’t decide right now.  

Sorry Rey about the cards, that has to be really hard. I put up some things but haven't put up a tree since she passed...why? A lot of work and who's going to see it? A curious wren passing by? But some do and get comfort from it, so I get that. It's different for everyone. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

I put up some things but haven't put up a tree since she passed...why?

That’s where I am at, not planning to put up a tree, just too much work for how I am feeling right now.  Maybe in later years, but for now, I am not interested in doing very much.

I have ordered about 20 of these ornaments with Veronica’s picture on them with her name, and birth year and year of her passing.  Printed on a small glass panel, about 2-3/4 in. X 3-3/4 in., with a ribbon that can be used to attach to a tree…or something.  Been boxing and mailing to close friends and family.  My effort to keep her memory alive.  Our older son really liked them.  

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

"Excuse me ma'am, may I see that phone for a sec?" And if she gave it to me....HEAVED it out onto the highway, then got right in her face and went "WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING....JUST DRIVE. GET THE STUPID PHONE OUT WHEN YOU'RE DONE DRIVING." 

I feel the same. Don't they realize in the blink of an eye they could incapacitate someone like my sister Donna, making her quadriplegic for life and ruining her vocal chords and killing her three year old baby, rendering her unable to raise her four month old baby...her fiance took one look at her in the hospital and left, never to be seen again and I hope he rots you know where...

These people don't think!  Period.

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I have ordered about 20 of these ornaments with Veronica’s picture on them with her name, and birth year and year of her passing.

That is so sweet, my tree is a memory tree with all kinds of memories on it, something like that would fit right in and be appreciated.  Blessings to you...

[DotPark]

11 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Trying to figure out what decorations to put up.  Set up Veronica’s nativity set which she liked so much.  Put a wreath on the front door, easy stuff.  Might bring down the Christmas themed coffee cups.  Can’t decide right now.  

My dear Tom's favorite Christmas thing was Hallmark movies, starting in October. I adore him with every beat of my heart but sorry, honey, no can do! He did love to share his wealth so I'll do that in his honor.

[KayC]

Did you watch them together?

[Boggled]

I put up "our" little white fiber optic Christmas tree, which fortunately I had bought a few years ago before we ever knew Steve was sick.  It had fallen down over night in the closet where I store it, along with our big marriage license stashed away in a tube by my hubby.  I took it as a sign ... put up the tree!   And it does seem to be a good thing, especially when the sun goes down and it gets dark in the front of the house.   It's so EASY to put up, just spread out the branches (withpaper "leaves,") plug it in ... you're done!

Pre-Lit LED Fiber Optic Green Spruce Artificial Christmas Tree, 32 in, Multi-Color, by Holiday Time - Walmart.com

 

[DotPark]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Did you watch them together?

Oh no, I would be in another room within earshot and either goof on them or predict the next line of dialogue or plot twist (because they were so predictable)! We would watch Love Actually together but I might skip it this year, too soon 

[RichS]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

And folks ask me "why aren't you a people person?"  

Not to worry. None of us will ever be at the same level as Don Rickles 

[widower2]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I feel the same. Don't they realize in the blink of an eye they could incapacitate someone like my sister Donna, making her quadriplegic for life and ruining her vocal chords and killing her three year old baby, rendering her unable to raise her four month old baby...her fiance took one look at her in the hospital and left, never to be seen again and I hope he rots you know where...

These people don't think!  Period.

omg Kay, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. I hope the driver is in prison.

 

53 minutes ago, RichS said:

Not to worry. None of us will ever be at the same level as Don Rickles 

ha - as you probably know, he was actually known for being the total opposite of his mean guy persona. And his act would never fly today, too many Snowflakes would pitch a fit-!

[RichS]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

her fiance took one look at her in the hospital and left, never to be seen again and I hope he rots you know where...

How could he walk out on his family?! That is heartless and the ultimate form of selfishness.......................

[KayC]

We looked at it as the one positive in the situation, can you imagine him for a husband!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

I hope the driver is in prison.

The other driver was my other sister.  She said she couldn't remember...well not consciously but she spent the rest of her life trying to make it up to her so I know she remembered, just not consciously.  It doesn't matter who though, what matters is it takes one moment to destroy someone's life!  That was 75 years ago.   Donna died in 2018.  She was an amazing person!  She was an inspiration to me and to all of us.

My nephew became my brother after my parents raised him four years and then his father who had never laid eyes on him came and kidnapped him for a year, his wicked stepmother (who broke up their marriage) treated him horribly, they lived in Germany, Mick didn't know the language or anything, he was like a wild animal when we got him back, my parents then adopted him.  He's turned out amazing!

You can't nmake this stuff up.

[DotPark]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

We looked at it as the one positive in the situation, can you imagine him for a husband!

As my dear, hilarious, and very wise late ex mother-in-law would say, "How'd you like to be married to THAT?"

[KayC]

He made me sick to my stomach, disgusting.

[widower2]

38 minutes ago, KayC said:

The other driver was my other sister.  She said she couldn't remember...well not consciously but she spent the rest of her life trying to make it up to her so I know she remembered, just not consciously.  It doesn't matter who though, what matters is it takes one moment to destroy someone's life!  That was 75 years ago.   Donna died in 2018.  She was an amazing person!  She was an inspiration to me and to all of us.

My nephew became my brother after my parents raised him four years and then his father who had never laid eyes on him came and kidnapped him for a year, his wicked stepmother (who broke up their marriage) treated him horribly, they lived in Germany, Mick didn't know the language or anything, he was like a wild animal when we got him back, my parents then adopted him.  He's turned out amazing!

You can't nmake this stuff up.

Oh I'm so sorry Kay, I misunderstood. I'm glad your nephew had a good outcome though!

[KayC]

He met and married someone from his first job, he worked three jobs and supported their five kids!  He handled my sister Peggy's estate.  He handled my mom's when she had dementia.  They say to ask the busiest person you know, some truth to that! He volunteered to.  He's 15 years younger than me, still working.

[Roxeanne]

I don't know why after 5 years i don't want decorate my house, i don't want set up the nativity scene...

I want keep my house in darkness 'cos someone i love is missing! My life and Christmases with him are missing...

I think It's my last refusal to a " new normality "which i had to forcefully accept...

 

[KayC]

Funny how the same set of circumstances triggers different response from us.  Me, I always liked putting George's ornaments on the tree. Memories of the best years of my life!  Our first ornament, the time we went to Crater Lake together, when my son went into the Air Force and George bought an ornament commemorating it and put it at the top of the tree...a whole tree of memories.  His fishing ornaments.  😊

 

[Roxeanne]

50 minutes ago, KayC said:

Funny how the same set of circumstances triggers different response from us.  Me, I always liked putting George's ornaments on the tree. Memories of the best years of my life!

I think you accepted more his absence and the memories of your best life together bring joy to you!

For me memories bring still sorrow...

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I think you accepted more his absence

No, not at all, my first year I didn;t want to put up a tree, only did it for the kids.  But something happened when my daughter and I decorated...and we put notes to him in his stocking...

[RichS]

49 minutes ago, KayC said:

No, not at all, my first year I didn;t want to put up a tree, only did it for the kids. 

Put up a tree last year (1st Christmas without Chris). This year no tree. REASON: My sciatica would get aggravated by it. Not even going to the sports card show tomorrow for the same reason. It doesn't help standing for a 1/2 hour at a time reaching into bins to look at cards. Also, not as much in the mood this year, anyway. Next year, no excuses. My back should be feeling better by then, thanks to some regular shots.

[KayC]

I'm sorry, Rich.  I have a good back but no strength due to my 16 hand injuries.  Hoping next year someone will help me.

[widower2]

If only we were in the same state Kay   I hope you find whatever help you need.

My mother is dealing with health issues and there's all kinds of ridiculous family drama (not a surprise tbh)...can't it just be April now?? 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

If only we were in the same state Kay   I hope you find whatever help you need.

My mother is dealing with health issues and there's all kinds of ridiculous family drama (not a surprise tbh)...can't it just be April now?? 

I have a lot worse things going on that Christmas trees...the neighbor that literally keeps me in my home, getting firewood, cutting/trimming trees, mowing, weedwhacking, burn piles, blowing off my roof, gutters, trench in front of carport and cleaning my chimney got in a horrid accident (himself only) on his way home from work Sat. He's in the hospital with six ribs broken in 12 places, but the worst breaks are his T-1, T-12, and L-1.  It will take a good year to heal.  Not sure he'll ever be the same again, but he has something good going for him: he was in the best shape of any man I know, three times the energy.  This is the longest he's held still in his life.  He did these things not only for me but for many of his neighbors.  I've been told he doesn't have medical insurance, who knows.  Car ins doesn't cover medical for him is what I'm told, again who knows, I know they have limits this will exceed.  He has a good partner and a 19 year old son.

And this virus keeps hanging on...it's been a week now.

[KayC]

His GF is a schoolteacher but she has made the 130 mile trek every day to be with him.  I haven't seen his son so imagine he's been with them too.  I'm glad he has them, can you imagine one of us going through that alone!

[DWS]

Wondering if others here are finding that any place of solace with their grief is being noticeably shaken at this time of year. I think I was more prepared last year going through my first Christmas since Tom's passing. Back then, I expected the despair and bewilderment and though I wasn't expecting it to be much better this year, it's proving to be a real challenge. Playing a part in this is receiving greetings and cards from friends and acquaintances that I haven't been in much contact with this past year.  Seeing a "Merry Christmas" and a "Best of the holidays to you", as innocent and best intentions as they be, stings a bit and ends up feeling so hollow. I know they have no idea of this ongoing emotional pain and continual loss that I've felt month after month and that is making things feel more desolate...knowing that if I want to start being social again, i will have to stifle this pain and reveal it only to those who might try to understand. This is tough. 

[KayC]

I think with being completely sick on my own for so long, not even hearing from my kids, it has given me a different view.  For me my only solace is in my dog.  On top of losing the one person who lierally held my house/place together and the concerns for him and his family...not hearing a word about that from anyone...it's all been a it much.

[SSC]

Almost there.. one week to go… I’m so ready for it to be over!

[KayC]

Me too...looks like I may miss our only family celebration Saturday, we'll see...they're calling for snow Friday night and Saturday at my elevation.  If I go and it's snowing while I'm gone, I may not be able to make it home and it's not worth going into a ditch.  Forecasts have been WAY off this year so hard to predict, it was 20 degrees colder than predicted yesterday so if it errs, it won't be in my favor.

[widower2]

On 12/16/2023 at 9:22 AM, KayC said:

I think with being completely sick on my own for so long, not even hearing from my kids, it has given me a different view.  For me my only solace is in my dog.  On top of losing the one person who lierally held my house/place together and the concerns for him and his family...not hearing a word about that from anyone...it's all been a it much.

Sorry Kay...been there. But I'm glad you have your furry friends. I think I've said it before, but our dog was nothing less than a lifeline I clung to in those early days. Taking him to ER in the middle of the night years later and pacing back and forth for hours only for him to go was one of the worst nights of my life and though I often felt alone living here with just him, now without him it's far harder. 

The holiday appears mixed for me this year. Going to see my best friend and his brother and sister (and their spouses) out of town Christmas Eve before going to PA to see my mother who isn't doing well. We aren't close (nothing "bad" exactly just not close) and dealing with my family is always hard, but more so now. She may not even be home for the holiday but in short-term care. 

[KayC]

My DIL canceling Christmas was hard, my only celebration to look forward to.

I'm sorry you lost your dog, I went through it with my Arlie and Kitty 4 1/2 and 4 years ago.  I hope and pray I never lose Kodie but neither do I want him rehomed either.

My skin cancer is back and I can't get in for another month...it's unnerving having cancer on you you can't just get rid of. 

[widower2]

Just a little holiday silliness to lighten the mood... 

[DWS]

On 12/18/2023 at 7:26 AM, SSC said:

Almost there.. one week to go… I’m so ready for it to be over!

I will be so glad too.

There's definitely a familiar frame of mind that I think we all get caught up in at Christmas. It's the time of year when remembrances and memories are put on steroids and for all of us grievers, that's really the last thing that any of us need! I found this quote and put it on some Christmas cards that I created. I was looking for something to express my crazy current mindset and this seemed appropriate without sounding too maudlin..."Christmas is the day that holds all time together" written by poet Alexander Smith in the 1800s. In an article that I read about the quote, the writer said "It is the Christmas season, more so than any other time, when past, present, and future come together in one glorious, unified experience".  I'm not so sure on the glorious part but it sure can be that way. 

[KayC]

My neighbor invited me to his dad's for Christmas dinner...waiting to hear back if Kodie can come, the time, etc.  I know I can't eat most of what they prepare but can bring my own food...but I don't want to leave Kodie.  I'm not Iris and he isn't Jazzy.

[RichS]

Kay:  We're glad to hear that you won't be alone on Christmas Day. I wish that for all of our board members as well. Hope Kodie can come along as well. They can always have him sit in the living room, turn the TV on, and have him watch a few hours of Animal Planet.

[KayC]

He's fine tethered to me.    He's a service dog and when he's working or even if he isn't, he knows how to behave.  The only time he considers time off is when He has his play date with Jazzy.

[DWS]

Megan Devine, author of "It's Okay That You're Not Okay", recently posted her response to one of her viewers' questions on how you deal with seeing other people's families still intact over the Christmas holidays. I like her views here...not that I think she has any right solution or holds this great grief wisdom...but that she, as a griever herself, knows there are no general true answers and as she demonstrates in the video, our thoughts can go everywhere. There's just no direct way of describing these emotions and out-of-control thoughts but when we try to give others' advice, it becomes our chance to release what we've learned along with what we're still dealing with. I think that's why she's a good teacher in the topic of grief and loss. 

 

[KayC]

I like Megan Devine, this is a good one.

[DotPark]

I don't want to be anyone's bummer on Christmas, do you know what I mean? I also don't want anyone to call me just to check on how I'm doing. If you haven't been in touch since Tom died, don't make calling me your good deed of the day. I'M FINE. (of course you guys know I'm not fine, but my not-fineness is not for public consumption.) Geez I sound harsh. Just figuring out how to navigate this.

[widower2]

Be offline for a couple days but hope y'all have as good as possible holiday. 

[DotPark]

4 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

Plus this person had changed my name back to my maiden name.

Oh that's COLD. That's just deliberately mean!

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

The worst one was the same year my husband passed away and I got a card saying have a wonderful Christmas & a happy New Year. Plus this person had changed my name back to my maiden name. I was straight on the phone to say that I’m still Mrs & by the way my surname hasn’t changed since I lost my husband & I will not be having a wonderful Christmas this year! Insensitive!

I am so sorry!  Sounds like people to ignore, no loss.  I can't believe they did that, insensitive creeps!  

 

5 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I don’t bother with the Christmas cards anymore.

I don't blame you.

[DWS]

20 hours ago, DotPark said:

Geez I sound harsh. Just figuring out how to navigate this.

That's all we can do. We try to "be strong". Realize, at times, we can't. We get mad at ourselves for not being strong. We get mad at others for telling us to be strong. We get angry at everything and everyone. Then we try to rationalize and start to forgive. Then go another round with it all over again. Processing and navigating and thinking thinking thinking....all part of the grieving process. The indescribable part. The part that none of my brothers and sisters who I'll be with tomorrow at Christmas have any clue as to what their brother has been going through for more than a year and a half. Yes...I'm going to be glad when the day is over. 

[KayC]

I think it'd be a reminder of what she did before, I'd probably toss it, just me.  Glad she got it right this year.

I just remember years ago Dr Phil saying  "We have to teach people how to treat us."  Guess that's true.

[DWS]

51 minutes ago, KayC said:

I just remember years ago Dr Phil saying  "We have to teach people how to treat us."  Guess that's true.

I'm being a bit rough on myself this morning after not doing that yesterday at the family Christmas. The gathering was pleasant enough so definitely nothing for me to complain about at all but I had to endure listening to my sister-in-law talk about all of the things that she and my brother have been up to as they live quite a vibrant lifestyle. They along with a group of their friends and family are all off to Mexico in a couple of days....standard type vacations that all of them do together three or four times a year it seems. 

But when my sister-in-law asked me what's new with me, I heard myself reply "not too much...not much at all".  Sounds so innocent doesn't it, not to mention uninteresting but what I've been up to this past year is anything but that. Like everyone here, I've been on a grief journey taking me places that I've never been before. I've been thinking this morning what I really wish I said to my sister-in-law is "I've been to hell and back...actually, I went there two or three times a month for a while...not quite as often now. They're all kind of spur of the moment type trips. Some lasted a few days...many just a few hours. For a while there, I didn't seem to get much time to unpack before I was off again. And I've met some really sweet and wonderful people who are also on their own grief journeys. We take notes and suggest places to visit and, most importantly, places to avoid. So yeah, I've been up to quite a bit lately!"

[RichS]

50 minutes ago, DWS said:

And I've met some really sweet and wonderful people who are also on their own grief journeys.

And I'll bet some of them are on this board.

 

51 minutes ago, DWS said:

I had to endure listening to my sister-in-law talk about all of the things that she and my brother have been up to as they live quite a vibrant lifestyle

I have a cousin who lives alone. His parents died (my aunt and uncle). If you add up all of his assets (house, cash, IRA's ,etc.) he's worth about $2 million dollars. We talk about once a week. A lot of the conversation centers around getting the best interest rates on CD's and Treasury Bills, stocks to buy. He says he wants to be financially secure. I tell him he already is financially secure. I admit, I continue on with this topic with him; only because I already know that when we start discussing our losses (grieving) he'll only go so far with it. He needs to get involved with some grieving group and he knows that he needs to get out of the house more. Strange as it may seem, he's still poor in some areas of his life; and I'll leave it at that.

[DWS]

14 minutes ago, RichS said:

And I'll bet some of them are on this board.

All of them!