This & that

[widower2]

Yeah beavers are not to be messed with; they can get aggressive if threatened and they have BIG SHARP teeth...

I have a mole or three in my yard too Kay. Drives me nuts to see those little holes and tunnels everywhere. I've had mixed results with repellent scents (mint, rodent repellent). And sometimes if you stomp their tunnels in a given spot down enough, they move elsewhere. I've been tempted to go buy a snake or two at a pet store and let nature take its course!  But mostly now they are in back away areas of the yard, so I don't care too much. There are contraptions you can buy that quick kill them (like spikes that they trigger in a tunnel), but like the groundhog, I don't want to kill any. And poison is not so quick and painful and cruel and it steams me that any such thing is legal. 

[KayC]

My problem is when they leave, it's to dig another hole on MY property!

[KayC]

I hate Blue Jays! They screech all day and steal Panther's food! They poop all over my covered patio.   When I came back from taking care of my grandkids, he had an empty bowl and I'd left enough for 4 1/2 days (gone 3 days, 2 nights).  I went on line and looked, they sell owls to guard their food, so I ordered one. Then I got the bright idea to put hugging bears to stand guard and moved his bowls close to the house.  They haven't been around today.    
Now to figure out what to do with ground hogs...

[Nancy2]

On 8/14/2023 at 5:18 PM, LMR said:

I was out with my sister and her grandkids and we came across some weird sculptures and I thought I should take a photo of this and then came the thought, Why? Who am I going to share it with? I just walked away.

My sentiments exactly.

[widower2]

Yeah I think we all get that. 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I went on line and looked, they sell owls to guard their food, so I ordered one.

Hope that works out. We occasionally get a stray one in our back yard. Some of them have some loud hoots in the middle of the night. Great for insomniacs, not so great for sleepers. Luckily, they usually don't hang around for more than a night. I guess their fellow feathered friends tell them to pipe down or leave.

[KayC]

Mine was a whole flock in a nearby madrone tree, been hanging out here for quite a while but all bets were off when I was gone.

[Nancy2]

On 8/13/2023 at 10:44 PM, WithoutHer said:

Home is what Vickie turned this tiny apartment into. 90% of what's here reflects her presence. Even the pets are all I have left of her. I see her in each of them. And yes before I retired and came home from work each day and she greeted me I was home and at peace in her company. Having retired right as the pandemic began couldn't have been better timing. We content being homebodies secluded together.

Now just making a store run and returning knowing she's not inside to greet me just makes life and home feel hollow and empty.

Yes, I know the feeling.  I am OK staying in my house for now, but I don't think I want to keep staying in it long-term because the memories are overwhelming sometimes.

[KayC]

It was hard for me too at first...now 18 years later, I don't want to leave.  This is home.  The place George always called "Our home in the clouds." (up on a mountian)  This is where is ashes are scattered.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, Nancy2 said:

Yes, I know the feeling.  I am OK staying in my house for now, but I don't think I want to keep staying in it long-term because the memories are overwhelming sometimes.

I am of the opposite mind regarding this little place. Vickie made it feel like home even with it's small space and serious need of some updating and repairs. Much of her stuff is still all around me along a few new items she never had the chance to use and I won't be using them myself. I don't think leaving would change or improve the emotions I feel because she is in my heart and mind no matter where I am. Yes the things around here are a source of sad memories but they are also representing her presence to me. And as for the place itself I moved in here alone and she filled my life here for 11 years and I am thankful for every one of them. Being alone is now painful as she was my whole life but I would rather be alone here with her memories than anywhere else.

[RichS]

10 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

Yes the things around here are a source of sad memories but they are also representing her presence to me. And as for the place itself I moved in here alone and she filled my life here for 11 years and I am thankful for every one of them. Being alone is now painful as she was my whole life but I would rather be alone here with her memories than anywhere else.

Other than rearranging the things in her closet, I've donated nothing and have left everything else in its place; just as it was when she was alive. Whether that ever changes in the future, I don't know; but for now, this how I'm feeling........................

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Other than rearranging the things in her closet, I've donated nothing and have left everything else in its place; just as it was when she was alive. Whether that ever changes in the future, I don't know; but for now, this how I'm feeling........................

I did donate some new clothes and shoes she purchased online and were never worn because she made a point of telling her daughter and me she wanted her clothes to help at a women's shelter if anything happened to her. Because of her request I had no problem honoring that. At the time I thought it would be years if I ever had to do that... even with her heart issues she had done so well for 5 years and being 7 and 1/2 older and health issues of my own I always thought I would be the first to go.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

7 hours ago, RichS said:

Other than rearranging the things in her closet, I've donated nothing and have left everything else in its place; just as it was when she was alive. Whether that ever changes in the future, I don't know; but for now, this how I'm feeling........................

Those are my thoughts also.  I have not touched anything in the house since Veronica went to sleep.  Her wheelchair is still next to the dining room, her walker folded up in the hall, her shower bench still in the bathroom.  Clothes I have not even considered messing with yet.  Her sister is coming in November, around Veronica’s birthday.  I have asked her to help go through stuff.  Any clothes that her sister likes she can take.  Just not ready to do it on my own. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Today was another one of those “firsts.”  Celebrating our daughter-in-law’s birthday.  Went to dinner with our two sons and daughter-in-law to a Japanese place.  Thought I should at least get a card.  Didn’t know how to write the card without Veronica’s notation of “mom” at the bottom.  Tried to enjoy dinner but I could feel the unnaturalness of being at a family dinner without my bride.  Next month is our younger son’s birthday.  I’ll get through. It, I suppose.  

[KayC]

Oh Rey, that is so hard in the early years.  EVERYTHING is a reminder!

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

More random thoughts, this and that.  Went to the Navy base commissary to get groceries for the weekend with the kids.  It occurs to me that I no longer purchase stuff that I would in the past for Veronica.  Another reminder of her absence in my world.  😪  The other side of that is I won’t have to buy body wash or shampoo for a while.  I can just use Veronica’s stuff until it is all gone.  

A friend who is active in the local Christian church came over to pray for me.  When he was done he said it was time for me to put away Veronica’s wheelchair because her memory was in my heart.  That rankled just a bit.  Please, don’t tell me it’s time for me to do something with my grief.  It is mine too process and no one else’s.  He meant well enough.  

A fellow Navy veteran asked me to reach out to another submarine veteran who had just lost his wife about 4 weeks ago.  I did.  It was hard to now what to say at first, but the words finally came and I was able to express my feelings and experience to him as he starts his journey on this new, sucky reality.  His wife’s funeral was yesterday and when I last checked he said he was managing to get through the day with select friends and his wife’s son.  We managed to find some common ground with our hobbies; he has a hot rod truck and I have a hot rod station wagon.  I think I helped him.  At least it seemed like it.  🥲

[KayC]

And you helped someone else in the process.  

Not someone's place to tell you what to do with anything!

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm in a mild funk again and I've yet to face my first Holiday Season without Ann.

I dread the coming holiday season without Veronica.  First off, my sister-in-law wants to visit for Veronica's birthday in November.  Not sure how I feel about that but I have remember that my sister-in-law is also grieving.  Thanksgiving after that and then Christmas.  Thanksgiving was my favorite of the two because it was just family and food...and football.  Not sure I can handle that right now.  Not sure what I will do for Christmas.  

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Not sure I can handle that right now.  Not sure what I will do for Christmas.

I totally understand. Last year I dreaded anyone inviting my son and I to any holiday party/dinner. It didn't happen and I was relieved.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

It occurs to me that I no longer purchase stuff that I would in the past for Veronica.  Another reminder of her absence in my world.  😪  The other side of that is I won’t have to buy body wash or shampoo for a while.  I can just use Veronica’s stuff until it is all gone.  

I recall those days so clearly.  For a year, I had trouble walking by the deli department in our local grocery store because there was this one high-end Virginia ham that John loved.  Every shopping day while he was in a different aisle or "aimlessly wandering" (his term) looking at stuff or grabbing items on our list, I would check to see if his ham was on sale that week.  Whenever it was, I'd get him a half pound sliced very thin just how he liked it.  For so long, I either avoided that area (hard because sections close by are produce and bakery) or cried my way through shopping.  The very first time I checked out, I looked at the measly, pathetic one bag of groceries for "just me" without items I simply couldn't deal with at the time and ended up sobbing.

Sometimes I think the every day reminders are harder than the times/days we know will be hard.  We can kind of get ready for the special days, though that has its own risks of stressing for days in advance, but the "Oh, that..." reminders hit us often.

And like you, I didn't have to buy body wash or shampoo for quite some time because I used John's.  Neither of us used perfumed items and some we simply shared anyway.  The same for dental floss, toothpaste, and toothbrush heads for the electric because we'd gotten enough for two on sale.

I'm so sorry you're going through those impossibly painful early days.  Truly, you are not alone.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 9/3/2023 at 8:44 PM, foreverhis said:

Sometimes I think the every day reminders are harder than the times/days we know will be hard.  We can kind of get ready for the special days, though that has its own risks of stressing for days in advance, but the "Oh, that..." reminders hit us often.

I agree!  The things I did for Veronica every day or not happening anymore.  The medical or other health related appointments I would drive her to at least weekly are gone.  Like you say, there is always something that pops up as a reminder of her not being here.  The things she used to do such as sorting and opening mail for me, making my doctor appointment, reminding me to take my vitamins.  I miss all that.  I missed planning a Labor Day get together with our kids today.  My older son and I just threw something together.  Worked hard to be decent company for the kids.  This sucks!  😪

[KayC]

We always went camping Labor Day.  I miss that.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

What an interesting experience when brushing one's teeth and then one starts crying at a random but very special memory!  Not as bad as driving while crying, but still highly unexpected.  Still have to be careful not to ingest any toothpaste!  That could be bad! 

[LMR]

2 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

What an interesting experience when brushing one's teeth and then one starts crying at a random but very special memory!  Not as bad as driving while crying, but still highly unexpected.  Still have to be careful not to ingest any toothpaste!  That could be bad! 

I have that experience when I catch sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. I'm ok putting on makeup in a small mirror but whenever I see myself in the bathroom its like I can see this big hole where he ought to be. My face belongs beside his. Just one of many things that make me cry.

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

What an interesting experience when brushing one's teeth and then one starts crying at a random but very special memory! 

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I have that experience when I catch sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. 

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who experiences this. For me, I don't think it's because I'm seeing the reflection of a sad, brokenhearted me. I think it has more to do with where my thoughts go while I do this casual, innocent everyday task that doesn't need any concentration. A few months back in another thread, I mentioned a dream I had of Tom and I brushing our teeth and quietly chatting together before bed. I woke up with a strong sense that we'd been together just as before. That dream will always be so special to me.

[Boggled]

On 8/17/2023 at 7:23 AM, DWS said:

I don't cry as often either. I think it's because we eventually do get used to the landscape of our loss and find some type of stability there. With me, I find the tears will return when something new comes back into that landscape....telling someone from my past who doesn't know about my loss, discovering something new that I didn't know about Tom (usually in conversations with his daughter), remembering a random small event or chat with him that I'd forgotten, etc. 

"get used to the landscape of our loss and find some type of stability," that's the first time I've seen it expressed like that!  It's TRUE for me.   While it's not a lot, it's SOMEthing.   I think I'm in about that same state you're describing, DWS, especially "remembering a random small event" just hits soooooo hard and wham, crying again.  

I'm clinging to all the stuff.  And using that word, "clinging," this place is all about my husband.  He added the storm doors.  His and my recliners next to each other still sit there, the gettin' older TV that he decided not to replace, I still turn on at 6:00 pm because there's this "quantum physics" idea  (yeah I'm NOT going to read about quantum physics!  It's enuff to just know the people that study it tell us that the little teensy bits of bottom-line stuff are, like, unpredictable and the experimenter's intent may actually affect things??!)  ... and that there is more to "humans" than the body!  ... idea that we are spirits having a bodily experience, ... and if Steve's spirit is still around here why not have the TV shows on that he likes/liked to watch?   

It's sinking in ... so slowly ... and painfully ... I won't SEE him again in this life!  Of course we know that from the beginning, but somehow I don't KNOW that, haven't KNOWN that, don't WANT to know that, just can't face that ... so much of this loss, for me, is that there things I have to face.  I face them then my mind won't do it anymore.  

[Nancy2]

17 minutes ago, Boggled said:

"get used to the landscape of our loss and find some type of stability," that's the first time I've seen it expressed like that!  It's TRUE for me.   While it's not a lot, it's SOMEthing.   I think I'm in about that same state you're describing, DWS, especially "remembering a random small event" just hits soooooo hard and wham, crying again.  

I'm clinging to all the stuff.  And using that word, "clinging," this place is all about my husband.  He added the storm doors.  His and my recliners next to each other still sit there, the gettin' older TV that he decided not to replace, I still turn on at 6:00 pm because there's this "quantum physics" idea  (yeah I'm NOT going to read about quantum physics!  It's enuff to just know the people that study it tell us that the little teensy bits of bottom-line stuff are, like, unpredictable and the experimenter's intent may actually affect things??!)  ... and that there is more to "humans" than the body!  ... idea that we are spirits having a bodily experience, ... and if Steve's spirit is still around here why not have the TV shows on that he likes/liked to watch?   

It's sinking in ... so slowly ... and painfully ... I won't SEE him again in this life!  Of course we know that from the beginning, but somehow I don't KNOW that, haven't KNOWN that, don't WANT to know that, just can't face that ... so much of this loss, for me, is that there things I have to face.  I face them then my mind won't do it anymore.  

My sentiments exactly.  I am not really an organized religion kind of girl, but the quantum physics and the near-death experiences make me believe that there is an after life and that I will see my husband again.  And yes, I still think he should walk through the door because all of his favorite stuff is still waiting for him, and he couldn't bear to throw anything way.  He was very sentimental.  He has mementos from his parents and grandparents. What do I do with all of that???

6 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

What an interesting experience when brushing one's teeth and then one starts crying at a random but very special memory!  Not as bad as driving while crying, but still highly unexpected.  Still have to be careful not to ingest any toothpaste!  That could be bad! 

See, you still have a sense of humor.  That's good.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, Nancy2 said:

but the quantum physics and the near-death experiences make me believe that there is an after life and that I will see my husband again. 

From what I've seen of near death experience videos, I'm encouraged by the fact that different people who never met each other tend to have similar stories of their experiences. Fingers crossed it's true................

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

18 hours ago, Boggled said:

"get used to the landscape of our loss and find some type of stability," that's the first time I've seen it expressed like that!  It's TRUE for me.   While it's not a lot, it's SOMEthing.   I think I'm in about that same state you're describing, DWS, especially "remembering a random small event" just hits soooooo hard and wham, crying again.  

Today was one of those days where my emotions just kept washing over me.  Not sure why, but perhaps because I had to call two more of Veronica's doctors and tell them she would not make the appointments in December, and to close out her file.  Then I finally got a date next Tuesday to do my road test and practice deliveries for the Red Cross.  Good and bad.  Good - I will try and find a new purpose in life.  Bad - this new reality means I am putting my previous purpose of being Veronica's mechanic and caretaker in the rear-view.  Moving forward but feeling guilty about it.  I almost feel as if I am slow-walking my training for the Red Cross so as not to move forward "too quickly".  But i need to do something outside of the house, you know?  It's this new landscape of loss.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

A friend shared this nugget with me from from Jimmy Buffett's book, 'A Salty Piece of Land':

“Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long enough time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above.”

[RichS]

58 minutes ago, Gator M said:

They obviously don't SHARE medical records.  Do you think that might be the reason so much is missed and misdiagnosed?  YA THINK?  

I'm constantly reminding our doctors to share information with our other doctors (when it's necessary). What good is automation if you don't communicate it?

[Boggled]

7 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I almost feel as if I am slow-walking my training for the Red Cross so as not to move forward "too quickl

Rey, your angel date is a bit more than a year past mine!  And for me, it's taken this past 15 months, for me to get to this point where I'm really really starting to FACE the truth that I will never see my husband in this life again!  Of course I've known the meaning of death all my life, but to face this ... in reality ... for me personally ... has been pure impossible.  It's hitting me in little teeny tiny "notice this, me," increments ... tiny!  ... that I have to recognize in a realeo trulio real way, not just intellectually, but every-ally ... I'm alone (gasp!)  ... and still I talk to him, still I notice what might be "signs" such as last night, having gone to bed about 11:30 pm, lying still, little bumps banging the headboard??????????   Where do they go when they "die?"  Mystery.  Not woo woo woo mystery ... serious mystery.

Anyway, I can totally understand you slow-walking your training!  

Personally I remember thinking "I need to do something outside the house," but that was the older me in the earlier months ... like the "me" that thought "I'll get a bike and ride all over the place," and the "me" that bought a kayak.  More gumption in a way, but not as deep as now several months later, though "gumption" is not "me" at all anymore.   But things, comprehensions, are still hitting me, after 15 months.  It takes TIME to process the "everything!"  I THINK.

The early suffering from grief, though, was indeed much greater then than now, now some "new" memory hits and wham, crying ... still a lot of that.  

I guess what I'm saying is, if it comes to a choice between "being self protective even if you don't know why," and "forcing yourself out just to be out,"  my opinion for my two-cents' worth, would be stick with self-protective, for yourSELF.    You have a SELF and your SELF is all kinds of things we're not aware of, if ever.

[DWS]

44 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Personally I remember thinking "I need to do something outside the house," but that was the older me in the earlier months ... like the "me" that thought "I'll get a bike and ride all over the place," and the "me" that bought a kayak.  More gumption in a way, but not as deep as now several months later, though "gumption" is not "me" at all anymore.   But things, comprehensions, are still hitting me, after 15 months.  It takes TIME to process the "everything!"  I THINK.

Yep...I had similar thinking in those early early months. My partner's hobby was photography so my big project was going to gather up all of his many photograph jpegs and sort them onto pages for a hard-covered book. I was also going to put clever quips and quotes on each one and get a couple dozen published. I work in printing so it seemed like a sensible, fitting project to do in his honour. But that ambition flew out the door as his absence grew stronger. I may still bring the book together in time but it's not the antidote to mend my broken heart. 

[Boggled]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

But that ambition flew out the door as his absence grew stronger.

Ambition AND gumption AND my mojo, groove, moxie, gone with the wind.  Something will come back but some of my old moxie was still carrying on back in the "get a kayak" days ... at this point in my journey, I'm more in the "sit on the swing on the back deck and contemplate EVERYTHING" and "recognize how little I know" and "trying to understand this grief, why the emotional pain?  how do I at least stop the pain" days.   At least, the emotional pain is not all the time anymore.  And I'm so used to the crying jags, they come, they pass, it hurts but then it's over.  And little teensy tiny "notice this" bits of holy sheetrock recognition of my solitary state ... and sometimes now some humor.  Oftentimes now, humor.   I like humor much more than pain.  But really seriousness and emotionality have become much more noticeable to "me" in my head.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I'm not suicidal but I've lost that "MOJO". Oh, I'm trying.  I'm still working, I go to church, I go to a Bible study, I go to a bereavement and a Griefshare group...YET I'm still lonely. I know she is MUCH better off, and I know I need to continue on this journey BUT I doubt this hole in my heart will ever fully heal.  I'm destined to be "That Guy"...just waiting on my Savior. 

THREE WORDS describe your situation as well as each of our own:  CARRYING YOUR CROSS. Sometimes our cross feels heavier at times more than other times. That's when our faith is being tested (IMO). Also, you and I have to admit that we've been on this board for awhile and we've read the horror stories of some others who have even bigger crosses to bear than we do. Life's not fair......especially when it comes to cable companies.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

14 hours ago, Boggled said:

   At least, the emotional pain is not all the time anymore.  And I'm so used to the crying jags, they come, they pass, it hurts but then it's over.  And little teensy tiny "notice this" bits of holy sheetrock recognition of my solitary state ... and sometimes now some humor.  Oftentimes now, humor.   I like humor much more than pain.  But really seriousness and emotionality have become much more noticeable to "me" in my head.

Thank you for that!  That’s where my head is at these days!  Is it too soon?  I have no idea.  But I do understand those “notice this” moments.  They hit with out of the blue any time, cooking breakfast, washing dishes, working in the garage, all of sudden my eyes tear up and I am sobbing for the next about 5 minutes.  But I can smile at small bits of humor here and there.  That seems to get me reset for the next time, because I know it is coming.  Like a pressure relief valve on your emotions that lets you vent, and then you’re settled and quiet until the next release.  Veronica not being here anymore seems so surreal to me, I sometimes find hard to understand.

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, DWS said:

My partner's hobby was photography so my big project was going to gather up all of his many photograph jpegs and sort them onto pages for a hard-covered book. I was also going to put clever quips and quotes on each one and get a couple dozen published. I work in printing so it seemed like a sensible, fitting project to do in his honour. But that ambition flew out the door as his absence grew stronger. I may still bring the book together in time but it's not the antidote to mend my broken heart.

Same thing for me, "ambition flew out the door as his absence grew stronger."  We ourselves change over time and the strength or ambition or mojo or whatever you call it, just weakens over time too.  At least for me it has.  I HAD the "thing" I think of as "mojo" in the early months, but I think it was a carry-over from the BEFORE.  This "adjusting," the crying, the pain, going on and on for months, but the lack of their presence and support and the constant reaching out for him, and the recognition of the "void," the place they have gone to, realizing you feel somehow that they have gone somewhere, but it's not somewhere you can know anything about, it's all been mind boggling for me.  I've needed time to boggle at what my mind is doing, I guess, though has it done any good?  Probably, because I'm getting these "notice this" moments when I am being ever so gently allowed to open up my mind to the idea that he's not going to be back!  here, in my lifetime.  Even typing that is making me gently sob a bit.  

But Rey, thinking more, maybe you deciding on this Red Cross training is one of the choices that you've been given, or have taken for yourself, and it's just a DIFFERENT path from the one I've taken, but maybe more healthy?  I've thought about joining some group but just have NOT done it.  Why?  not sure.  Self-protective somehow.  But I will say that my path, not joining anything, just sitting and boggling, has ended up so far in this lack of mojo.  My Volt's battery dying has pushed me to get out of the boggling state at least on the internet, and think about something real besides groceries, water, paying monthly bills, watching the kittens.  Oh yeah, back in about January, I took in a stray cat, who turned out to be pregnant, kittens born in late March, that too has been one sort of GOOD THING that happened TO me, a branch in the path.  Seems like our paths still branch sometimes, we can still choose.

[DWS]

47 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Probably, because I'm getting these "notice this" moments when I am being ever so gently allowed to open up my mind to the idea that he's not going to be back!  here, in my lifetime.  Even typing that is making me gently sob a bit.  

I know it! Coming up to 19 damn months since Tom's passing and I still...STILL...have a hard time comprehending that he's not coming back. There are still a couple of hurdles that I have yet to attempt to get over because they would firmly confirm that. "Boggled" is such a great description of this continual mind mess.

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

That seems to get me reset for the next time, because I know it is coming.  Like a pressure relief valve on your emotions that lets you vent, and then you’re settled and quiet until the next release. 

 This is so true. My mind still goes a mile a minute with all of this and sometimes, those thoughts get to a point where the pressure and tears have to be released. Five minutes of that seems to be about right and I'm good until the next time. 

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

But I will say that my path, not joining anything, just sitting and boggling, has ended up so far in this lack of mojo.  My Volt's battery dying has pushed me to get out of the boggling state at least on the internet, and think about something real besides groceries, water, paying monthly bills, watching the kittens.  Oh yeah, back in about January, I took in a stray cat, who turned out to be pregnant, kittens born in late March, that too has been one sort of GOOD THING that happened TO me, a branch in the path.  Seems like our paths still branch sometimes, we can still choose.

Although there have been lots of suggestions over this time by others at what I should do, I knew putting extra pressure on myself to "fix me" wasn't the answer. I look at that as being the good friend to myself that is so much needed since my actual good friend was taken from me. Things like joining a group, doing yoga, meditation, etc are so un-me that forcing myself to be someone other than the person I've always been seemed kinda cruel.

I think this is what we have to pay attention to...to not lose ourselves in all of this. My loss is not a signal for me to change anything about myself. I trust that the flow of life will do that gradually as it has over the span of the many many many years of me being here. Just like the misbehaviour of your Volt battery, I currently have a clogged sewer line getting me out of the mindset of my grief for a while and playing its part in the flow of life. Yay. 

[shawnt]

I think some of this pain is growing pains. I am becoming someone new, I realize how much strength I drew from my Suzy and I will never have that again. The new version of me will not be as good but the growth continues

( wether I like it or not) How many of the broken pieces are worth anything? No way to tell until I pick them up and see if they still go where they belong.

[Boggled]

22 minutes ago, DWS said:

Although there have been lots of suggestions over this time by others at what I should do, I knew putting extra pressure on myself to "fix me" wasn't the answer. I look at that as being the good friend to myself that is so much needed since my actual good friend was taken from me. Things like joining a group, doing yoga, meditation, etc are so un-me that forcing myself to be someone other than the person I've always been seemed kinda cruel.

I think this is what we have to pay attention to...to not lose ourselves in all of this. My loss is not a signal for me to change anything about myself. I trust that the flow of life will do that gradually as it has over the span of the many many many years of me being here. Just like the misbehaviour of your Volt battery, I currently have a clogged sewer line getting me out of the mindset of my grief for a while and playing its part in the flow of life. Yay. 

Yes to all, DWS.  I wouldn't say I KNEW anything, I just WOULD NOT, COULD NOT do anything while my mind is ... well ... boggling at the universe like an anx-laden kitten suddenly crouched down and doing nothing for hours or days ... which my kittens are doing lately for some reason.   Existentially, what ARE we doing?   hahahahhaha!  (mad laugh?) hahahahahahahaaaa!  no wonder we wonder, are we going crazy?  hahahahahaaaa!    "man's search for meaning,"  hahahahaha again!   and my answer to that is, love is meaning!  That I had love with my husband!  THAT'S meaning!  The sense of meaning wasn't even a question, while his and my souls were both alive and intertwined.   I/We had it ... the love and faith and trust and souls intertwining over time, and being always aware of each other,  that can, but doesn't always, exist between people.  That's meaning.   I just have to remember ... it's still there.   I have to think, wherever he is, he still has that too, and wherever he's gone, I hope to meet him again when my time to die comes.   

and like all the crazy people, I say, "I'm not crazy!"  hahahaha ... a'gin.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

But I can smile at small bits of humor here and there.

That is good!

 

57 minutes ago, DWS said:

I knew putting extra pressure on myself to "fix me" wasn't the answer. I look at that as being the good friend to myself that is so much needed since my actual good friend was taken from me.

Amen!!!

[RichS]

56 minutes ago, shawnt said:

The new version of me will not be as good but the growth continues (whether I like it or not) How many of the broken pieces are worth anything? No way to tell until I pick them up and see if they still go where they belong.

And this statement sums up my daily struggle to accept this new reality in my life, pick up the broken pieces and try to discover what to do with them in this new reality in my life and to try to find some joy in the future in this new reality in my life. For me living one day at a time is the short term solution and having faith in God is the long term solution.

[Boggled]

I've been reading _Afterlife Revealed_ by Michael Tymn, an in-depth study of the multitude of books, reports, articles, and studies done by many, many authors, mediums, etc.

One thing that's come up a LOT is that once the dead person has left the body and recognized and adjusted to the fact that they are dead but still "there," there are "helpers" and "smiling faces" and I think, "loved ones."    I haven't read the whole book but that just hit me ... oh.  Good.  

[Nancy2]

47 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I've been reading _Afterlife Revealed_ by Michael Tymn, an in-depth study of the multitude of books, reports, articles, and studies done by many, many authors, mediums, etc.

One thing that's come up a LOT is that once the dead person has left the body and recognized and adjusted to the fact that they are dead but still "there," there are "helpers" and "smiling faces" and I think, "loved ones."    I haven't read the whole book but that just hit me ... oh.  Good.  

 

47 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I've been reading _Afterlife Revealed_ by Michael Tymn, an in-depth study of the multitude of books, reports, articles, and studies done by many, many authors, mediums, etc.

One thing that's come up a LOT is that once the dead person has left the body and recognized and adjusted to the fact that they are dead but still "there," there are "helpers" and "smiling faces" and I think, "loved ones."    I haven't read the whole book but that just hit me ... oh.  Good.  

I haven't read that particular book, but I'll add it to my list.  After my dad died a long time ago, I read probably a dozen of those kinds of books.  Raymond Moody's Life After Life book was one of the first, along with Elizabeth Kubler Ross's book, On Death and Dying.  Then when my mom died I didn't read any new books because I was already confident that I would see her again in the after life.  But when my husband died I lost that confidence.  I guess I'm expecting to see very vivid signs, and I haven't, so I'm reading some new books about near-death experiences and such.  Some people actually see and hear their loved ones after they died.  I don't think it's in their heads.  I think that is a clear sign, or they have a very vivid dream where their loved one comes to them and says everything is OK.  I haven't had any of that.  I have had what I like to think are signs, but it's probably just nature doing its thing.  I don't know.  I am just hoping that some people are more receptive to getting signs because they have a 6th sense, and maybe I just don't.  I do know that I'm very sad about the loss of my husband and trying to adjust.  I am still in disbelief.  He was strong and healthy and rode his bike 30 miles or so several times a week, and we drank healthy smoothies and did most of the so-called healthy living things, but he got a rare, weird disease that the doctors took a year or so to diagnose, and then during treatment he got sepsis and died  from complications of sepsis I guess.   So I am disillusioned with doctors and hospitals and healthy lifestyles and the universe itself.  

[Sar123]

This is an excerpt from Martin Short’s autobiography. He lost his wife to ovarian cancer in 2010. 

”I stared into the fire as if I was looking into Nan’s  eyes and said out loud with no one else around, “Nan, losing you is losing half my soul. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over this, but I know that I’ll love you forever, and I promise you, I’ll keep our children safe. Love you, baby.” “

[widower2]

Folks, again, please...if you want to talk afterlife/religion/etc please use the section of the site dedicated to that to discuss:

https://forums.grieving.com/forum/7-spiritualreligious-beliefs/

Thanks!

[Boggled]

10 hours ago, Nancy2 said:

I do know that I'm very sad about the loss of my husband and trying to adjust.  I am still in disbelief.  He was strong and healthy and rode his bike 30 miles or so several times a week, and we drank healthy smoothies and did most of the so-called healthy living things, but he got a rare, weird disease that the doctors took a year or so to diagnose, and then during treatment he got sepsis and died  from complications of sepsis I guess.   So I am disillusioned with doctors and hospitals and healthy lifestyles and the universe itself.  

Widower2, okay, I didn't even notice there's an "afterlife" section for this site.   Guess I'll go look around on there.

Nancy2, I can't say I'm disillusioned with doctors and hospitals, because I've been leery of them for years ... ya can't be disillusioned with something you never had a lot of belief in to start with!   Healthy lifestyles, I still do some of that, the universe itself?  oh man, it's such a mystery.   But I can empathize with the feeling ... if your husband was riding a bike 30 miles several times a week, he must've been, at that time, in really great shape.

[Boggled]

On 9/7/2023 at 1:03 PM, Gator M said:

When it hit me that this was it, that's when the cold reality set in.  My kids and grandkids have their lives and most of my friends don't understand.  It's the loneliness that's a killer.  Not the being alone...but being without that person who made EVERYDAY worth living.  

I don't want to start over.  Nor would I.  I'm a little too young to retire and there is little to live for.  I could go 20 or more years...WHY?  I'm not suicidal but I've lost that "MOJO".    I could win Powerball and then what?  

Oh, I'm trying.  I'm still working, I go to church, I go to a Bible study, I go to a bereavement and a Griefshare group...YET I'm still lonely.   

I know she is MUCH better off, and I know I need to continue on this journey BUT I doubt this hole in my heart will ever fully heal.  I'm destined to be "That Guy"...just waiting on my Savior. 

Gator, we're all kind of "leftover people" now, right?  I looked up books about widows on our library's webpage and read a few ... BUT as someone mentioned, in novels, "suddenly some great stranger falls in love with her and everything's just great again,"  even novels seem to follow the same ol' same ol' "boy meets girl" theme.   As if there ain't no other answer.   C'MON, novelists!  aren't there any novelists out there who can write a book about some other way to "succeed?"  Anybody reading this, can you recommend any good novel about a widow or widower who finds a true path to happiness without meeting a new partner?????   

[Boggled]

Afterlife should not be a separate topic, IMHO!!!!!   

 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

BUT as someone mentioned, in novels, "suddenly some great stranger falls in love with her and everything's just great again,"  even novels seem to follow the same ol' same ol' "boy meets girl" theme.   As if there ain't no other answer.   C'MON, novelists!  aren't there any novelists out there who can write a book about some other way to "succeed?"

I think that novelists write these books because people buy them; and people buy them because it represents an escape (or fantasy) from the pains of the real world. There are different forms of entertainment or amusement that people flock to. This is one of them.