Do antidepressants help?

[Ck13]

I am still so very low and constantly crying..6 weeks since partners sudden death…someone suggested today that I should go to the drs for anti depressants.  What do you think? Will they help? I don’t think I’m depressed I’m just so so sad at losing my soul mate and also grieving for the loss of a future together.  However if they can take away some of this awful pain then maybe it’s worth it. 

[DWS]

I haven't any expertise on the subject of antidepressants so can't suggest one way or the other. I will say that six weeks is considered very very early when it comes to grief and loss. That may not give you much respite but maybe it'll relieve any pressure or concern you have in regards to the pain not easing. The intensity of grief will be equal to the intensity of the love we have for our partners and spouses....the price we pay for love. Every heavy emotion and deep thought you're experiencing is very normal. And with it being sudden and unexpected, there's a good chance that you're still experiencing shock. My partner's death also was totally out of the blue. I didn't even realize that for those first few weeks, I was coping at a shock level...until I wasn't.  I think antidepressants are helpful if you need sleep. I could see them being somewhat useful to get through a workday as well...a temporary numbing. Being extra kind and forgiving of yourself is very key during this time....and that means alleviating any expectations and deadlines to when the pain should be lessening. 

[widower2]

3 hours ago, Ck13 said:

I am still so very low and constantly crying..6 weeks since partners sudden death…someone suggested today that I should go to the drs for anti depressants.  What do you think? Will they help? I don’t think I’m depressed I’m just so so sad at losing my soul mate and also grieving for the loss of a future together.  However if they can take away some of this awful pain then maybe it’s worth it.  

It's worth asking a doctor (I would advise a therapist/psychiatrist over your GP) about at least. Just be aware that there are diff kinds (I don't mean brands, I mean different categories basically) of anti-depressants and diff kinds affect people differently...what might work for one person might not work for you. Just something to keep in mind in case you do try one and after a time (I think generally about a week or two, but ask the Dr of course) if you don't feel it's helping or you're feeling even worse, stop taking it. 

[Ck13]

7 hours ago, DWS said:

I haven't any expertise on the subject of antidepressants so can't suggest one way or the other. I will say that six weeks is considered very very early when it comes to grief and loss. That may not give you much respite but maybe it'll relieve any pressure or concern you have in regards to the pain not easing. The intensity of grief will be equal to the intensity of the love we have for our partners and spouses....the price we pay for love. Every heavy emotion and deep thought you're experiencing is very normal. And with it being sudden and unexpected, there's a good chance that you're still experiencing shock. My partner's death also was totally out of the blue. I didn't even realize that for those first few weeks, I was coping at a shock level...until I wasn't.  I think antidepressants are helpful if you need sleep. I could see them being somewhat useful to get through a workday as well...a temporary numbing. Being extra kind and forgiving of yourself is very key during this time....and that means alleviating any expectations and deadlines to when the pain should be lessening. 

Thank you, I feel like everyone else around me has moved on and is coping fine and carrying on with life, so I feel like I’m the odd one who is still stuck in this terrible nightmare and should be doing better.  I do think I’m still in shock which is why I’m struggling. It keeps hitting me out of nowhere and literally takes my breath away with the pain.

[Jemiga70]

1 hour ago, Ck13 said:

I feel like everyone else around me has moved on and is coping fine and carrying on with life, so I feel like I’m the odd one who is still stuck in this terrible nightmare and should be doing better.

I'm so sorry for your sudden loss.  My soulmate passed suddenly too.  Youre only 6 weeks out and quite likely still in shock. I was in shock for a looong time.

We cause ourselves more pain by thinking that we "should" be better.  You are not the odd one . . . YOU just lost YOUR soulmate; nobody else in your circle did.  You are responding as any normal human would.  As DWS said above:  the intensity of our grief equals the intensity of our love.

Please try to go easy on yourself.  Grief is a pain like no other, not even clinical depression (though I'm surprised how similar the two can feel).   ((Hugs))

[Shinka]

Ck13, are  you sleeping well? I'm asking because in the early stage of my grieving I found I could handle the pain better, if I had slept at least for a few hours. Like you I was never depressed, but it hurt like hell. So I would see to that first. Anti depressants can have a lot of side effects, so they were no option for me. I tried to develop coping skills instead so that I could bare this pain instead of falling apart. 

[Ck13]

2 minutes ago, Shinka said:

Ck13, are  you sleeping well? I'm asking because in the early stage of my grieving I found I could handle the pain better, if I had slept at least for a few hours. Like you I was never depressed, but it hurt like hell. So I would see to that first. Anti depressants can have a lot of side effects, so they were no option for me. I tried to develop coping skills instead so that I could bare this pain instead of falling apart. 

I’m sleeping but having nightmares (I also have ptsd from a previous abusive marriage so nightmares are part of my “normal” sleep when I’m stressed/upset).

Please can I ask what coping skills you use? Need something to stop me falling apart completely. Thank you

[Shinka]

It's probably a very individual matter, different people are helped by different things. My small universe had fallen apart, and I found myself in the ruins, so first thing I did was getting rid of all and anything I didn't need or want. I also needed structure, so I made to do lists, every week for the whole week, and cross off any of the things I managed to do. I made a corner in my bedroom, with flowers, candle, picture of my husband, and I would go there, talk to him, meditate, pray to whomever out there might listen, cry my eyes out most of the time, and be there with my pain. I left an electric candle burning for seven weeks. I would go for walks, very early as to be able to cry and not be seen by other people. I listened to  podcasts on grieving, life after death, meditation techniques to cope with grieve. I tried to eat healthy and drink enough. It was in the middle of the Delta virus so I didn't see any friends, but we talked on the phone and wrote letters. Those were the main things. And I took sleeping pills for three or four weeks. Weaned them off after that. Having PTSD makes everything even harder, I'm really sorry for your pain. Are you seeing a therapist or grief counselor? 

And flowers, lots of flowers.. 

[DWS]

5 hours ago, Ck13 said:

Thank you, I feel like everyone else around me has moved on and is coping fine and carrying on with life, so I feel like I’m the odd one who is still stuck in this terrible nightmare and should be doing better.

Biggest hugs to you....you are definitely feeling and being exactly as you should for the horror of what's happened in your life. I'm so sorry that it seems others around you have returned to their normal lives and expect you to as well. In all fairness to them, it's how we all were molded in society...this idea that we need to stand strong even at the worst of times and tragedy. That in some way, we'll be rewarded for our audacity and strength...and perhaps, that's what everyone around us hopes or thinks is what's happening right now.

So when they see us distressed and beaten, it's likely exasperation and confusion on their part because they haven't been through such painful grief themselves. That's when they bring out the tired tropes and platitudes of "think of the good times", "be grateful for the years he was in your life", and "you must stay strong"...and if they see that those aren't working, then it's "have you tried antidepressants".  All of these are the common efforts to take away one's grief. We do that in society and we can also do that to ourselves. That's why so many of us here end up defending our grief. It is love and the physical loss of our person that has us so shaken and it's all totally legitimate. In so many ways, I think what many of us here need is that firm permission to feel grief's energy. We defend it as we defend love. Strangely, this messiness of our emotions and the hell we go through can eventually help us become stronger as long as we go through it...not around it. 

[Roxeanne]

I took "flowers of Back" at the time. They are sweet and working on your emotions...and most important of all don't have heavy side effects.

I found that helped me to understand and bear the incredible roller coaster of emotions...

 

[Sparky1]

21 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

I took "flowers of Back" at the time. They are sweet and working on your emotions...and most important of all don't have heavy side effects.

I found that helped me to understand and bear the incredible roller coaster of emotions...

 

Hi Roxanne, I looked up the flowers of back and I can only come up with Bach flowers remedies. Is this what you were talking about? I also have really bad sleep, sometimes I barely get any sleep. I have tried lots of natural remedies including Melatonin with not great results. Sleeping pills are basically Benadryl and make your heart rate and blood pressure go crazy. My doctor wouldn't prescribe me any medication but he did tell me about the natural remedies. I'll look into it some more and see if it's a good alternative. Thank you and Buona giornata.  

[Roxeanne]

I'm sorry Sparky but i don't know if the flowers can help you on sleep problems..

Luckily as i said before, i sleep well always, even in the first times, when i longed for the night to come and forget all my pain....

Flowers IMO working very well with the emotions...and surely are far better that antidepressant....unless you're really depressed!

I think your doctor will give you some good advice on natural remedies.

Ciao buona giornata a te

[Gail 8588]

Ck13,

I tried to power through grief, but I didn't succeed very well. I rarely slept more than 3 hours at a time. I was exhausted all the time. I cried at the drop of a hat.  But I thought I should be able to get through this without medication. I have related in other posts that I was also living in constant fear of all the troubles that might befall me. 

After a year I finally asked my doctor for medication that would help me sleep. He prescribed an anti-anxiety medication to take at bedtime.    Five years later I still take it. 

It made a huge difference in my life when I was finally able to sleep for 6 or 7 hours in a block.  It still took me another 2 plus years to overcome my constant fear of all things that might go wrong in my life, but I think the anti-anxiety medication helped those fears to be less debilitating. 

I think it is worth discussing with your doctor.  You are so early in your grief that your doctor may want to wait and see how you progress without medication, but it's worth starting the conversation about what options are available. 

Gail

[KayC]

I take antianxiety Rx because I have always had GAD, and a sleep aid after YEARS of no sleep!  No antidepressants as I'm not depressed.

Grief can mimic depression and there's different schools of thought on it.  Caution about SSRIs but if one has a chemical imbalance, the doctor might recommend one.
Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief

 

[widower2]

10 hours ago, Gator M said:

I am told grief is NOT depression 

I think by that whoever said it really meant the terms are not interchangeable, which makes sense. But grief is pretty freaking depressing. I would say perhaps grief is a particular type of depression.

[widower2]

13 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Depression is a medical condition 

By who? Forrest Gump? Good grief I hope not a doctor.

Anything someone feels is an "emotional condition," it's a question of why and in what way. Depression can be a medical condition if it's chronic, but one can be depressed by situations in life and that is not a "medical condition," that's life. Based on that logic, all emotions are a "medical condition" and we should just drug ourselves up to feel however we want to feel all the time. 

 

[Shinka]

There was a moment early in my grief journey when I was overcome by so much desperation and a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness, that I didn't want to live anymore. And although I had worked with clinically depressed people all my life, it was the first time I truly understood what they were going through. It's not 'simply' sadness or emotional pain, it's a big giant black hole, where one feels no purpose, no inspiration, no nothing. I made an oath there and then that instead of ending it, I would use whatever time was left for me in this body to try and put something good into the world. Even if I had to bear this pain for the rest of my life, life is still a previous gift and there is always something we can do even if it's in the smallest way. It's the intention that counts. And so I stayed alive and went on with my to do lists. I've never had this much desperation ever since. Lots of pain though. So to me that's the difference between depression and grieving. 

[Sparky1]

When my wife passed away, my doctor kept checking on me. At one visit a few months after, he told me to get out of the house and if possible to go and try work. He said if I stayed cooped up in the house it would become deep depression. I definitely didn't want that so I managed to go back to work after 3 months. It took me a couple more months to see the brain fog start drifting away. The best thing is to keep busy, no matter what it is, go to a mall and just walk around, go for nature walks, grocery stores, etc.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

Depression is a medical condition and grief is an emotional condition...or so I'm told.

Yes, as psyche terms go this is correct.  However, that said, grief definitely brings on depression regardless of terms or causation and one can benefit from help with it, even if different from the help for a physical condition causing it.

7 hours ago, Shinka said:

So to me that's the difference between depression and grieving.

Did you read the articles I posted on it earlier?

15 hours ago, KayC said:

I take antianxiety Rx because I have always had GAD, and a sleep aid after YEARS of no sleep!  No antidepressants as I'm not depressed.

Grief can mimic depression and there's different schools of thought on it.  Caution about SSRIs but if one has a chemical imbalance, the doctor might recommend one.
Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief

 

 

[Shinka]

KayC :Did you read the articles I posted on it earlier?

I read the 'depression versus symptomatic depression' article, why? 

[widower2]

We had some of the worst doctors imaginable despite going to some of the most highly-regarded places in the world. Of course there is good and bad anywhere, but anyone who tells me our medical profession isn't a walking talking horror film in general I would dismiss as utterly clueless.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Shinka said:

KayC :Did you read the articles I posted on it earlier?

I read the 'depression versus symptomatic depression' article, why? 

 

I'm not sure what your question is.  

[foreverhis]

On 4/13/2023 at 8:09 AM, Gator M said:

I am told grief is NOT depression but I have no clue about antidepressants...I am avoiding them.  I am trying to power though...but the WAVES are staggering.

My doctor looks at it differently.  It's not clinical depression, but rather situational depression.  He prescribed the lowest standard dose of a time-release anti-depressant that I'd been on at half (sub clinical) dose for years to help my auto-immune symptoms.  It has helped regulate my ability to function mentally with minimal side effects.  I do have to take it in the morning as it causes my insomnia to be worse if I take it at night.

We are each so different that I would hesitate to recommend any medication to others, but I would recommend talking to our doctors or grief therapists about what might help us.  For me, there was no "powering through" because I already had medical conditions that were made worse by John's death.  To be honest, I treat my mental state in a way that is similar to how I handle my physical pain.  My doctor is not a "pill pusher," so when he prescribes something, it's because he feels it's the best option.  But that's also mixed with things that might help that aren't medication.

[Shinka]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm not sure what your question is.  

You asked me if I had read the articles, and I wondered why you asked. 

[KayC]

Because it was brought up again.

[widower2]

You so don't want me to get on this soapbox...I could fill a book with things at least some of which I suspect people wouldn't even believe.

[KayC]

We've been known to mention this in our diabetic group.  It's all about $.  Like the statins...the "study" was funded by the pharmaceutical that skewed the studies and convinced the doctors...don't even get me started.

[Shinka]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

We've been known to mention this in our diabetic group.  It's all about $.  Like the statins...the "study" was funded by the pharmaceutical that skewed the studies and convinced the doctors...don't even get me started.

Yep, that's my soapbox. I've had high levels of cholesterol for all of my adult life, and doctors keep wanting me to take statins. When I mention the complete non- existence of other riskfactors and the Framingham heart study they look at me as if I'm suicidal or something. 

[KayC]

Hold your ground, it's Triglycerides and HDL that matter and if eating low carb and getting exercise, they will be good.  Total carbs and LDL are not as concerning, our body makes cholesterol, all the more as we age, but that is not the risk factor they are making out.  I could post videos from GOOD doctors who have studied and know the subject!  Dr David Diamond comes to mind, Dr Paul Mason, Dr Ken Berry, Dr Robert Cywes, Dr Jason Fung, Dr Eric Berg, so many more!

Stick to your guns with your doctors.  It's our bodies, our life, I would stake my life on Keto, I have seen the benefits and they are amazing!  I'm gladly on it for life and love this way of life.

[KayC]

Overall they aren't helping anyway.

[widower2]

Sorry, I take statins, and they've helped a lot. It's not snake oil. 

And as bad as the medical profession can be, not every doctor is horrible and not every medication is worthless, let's not go too far down that road. I'm quite happy with my GP (she wouldn't be my GP otherwise). 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

not every doctor is horrible and not every medication is worthless

Of course not, I would not infer that. I am saying 11 years I had Diabetes and both of mine never gave me info or suggestions.  Look up and watch some of the videos of the doctors I suggested, it's an eye opener.  Bottom line it's Triglycerides and HDL that factor in heavily for cardiovascular.  This is what I do everyday, Widower2, look up studies, research, and watch videos from doctors, post to my diabetic groups.  We have 7,200 members internationally.  This is a huge passion of mine. Do with it what you will.

[widower2]

Sure, that wasn't a reply to you specifically, just a general observation.   

[Shinka]

I think the most important thing is that one educates oneself on whatever health problems one has. Doctors sometimes give good advice and sometimes they don't. The more we know, the better to make a sound decision on what therapy to use. 

[Sparky1]

8 hours ago, Shinka said:

I think the most important thing is that one educates oneself on whatever health problems one has. Doctors sometimes give good advice and sometimes they don't. The more we know, the better to make a sound decision on what therapy to use. 

A year and a half ago, I hurt my shoulder as I fell on it. Went to therapy, acupuncture, the whole works. My family doctor gave me 2 cortisone shots over a period of time. None of them worked.  X-rays and ultrasound show nothing according to him. I told him I looked it up and to me it sounds like frozen shoulder. He said probably not and referred me to an orthopedic surgeon. I told the surgeon that I had mentioned a frozen shoulder to my doctor and he said you are right, that's my diagnosis.  A few weeks ago, the surgeon gave me an x-ray guided injection, it is still sore and I am praying it does get better. I have to see him at the end of May, and if it doesn't get better I don't know what the next step would be other than surgery. Sometimes doing your own research does help, I didn't go to school for 20 years to be a doctor but doctors should learn from all the experience they have, not from just what they are taught.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Shinka said:

I think the most important thing is that one educates oneself on whatever health problems one has. Doctors sometimes give good advice and sometimes they don't. The more we know, the better to make a sound decision on what therapy to use. 

Sounds right on to me!

 

12 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

doctors should learn from all the experience they have, not from just what they are taught.

 

[KayC]

And I might add, it was a doctor that caused my husband's death, indirectly. When he had his first heart attack, the doctor didn't pay attention to George's family history OR complaints, and totally missed that he'd had a heart attack that had severely damaged his heart, he had five blocked arteries, he never referred him to a cardiologist, and by the time he had his next heart attack that landed him in the hospital only to die of a third one two days later, it was too late.

How many of us have similar stories to share!   I might add, this was a doctor I knew and loved, I used to work for him, but OMG did I learn his weak areas through this!  So much so, after George died I made an appt. with him to gain his audience, and extracted a promise from him that what happened to him and to a friend's husband the same month, would never again happen to anyone else on his watch.  You see, I wasn't interested in suing, I was interested in his LEARNING from his mistakes.  They were costly to me and the other widow.

[widower2]

Hopefully I'm long gone by then...

[widower2]

PS by that I mean I hope it doesn't happen for a long time. Despite the drawbacks in my life, I've no desire to exit in the immediate future.   

[KayC]

Feelings can change throughout our journey, you're three months into this...I don't blame you.

[widower2]

Bingo Kay...I was ready to check out early in this journey and frankly might have if my parents weren't alive and I didn't have the dog depending on me. 

[KayC]

Those feelings/thoughts are common in early grief...all the more important to give ourselves the time needed to find something good about living.  

I'm glad you gave yourself that time.  Thank heavens for our dogs!

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm not willing to end it myself BUT I am ready to go at any time.

 

Somewhere along the road, between asking John to “come get me” and “I can live without him, but never be happy in the same way,” so maybe around 2-1/2 years, I realized that I no longer feared death. Yet it surprised me to also realize I didn’t long for it anymore. Needing to be here for our daughter and especially our granddaughter, keeping her beloved, adored grandpa alive for her by telling stories and letting her talk about him, came to matter enough for me to want to stay until it is my time.

 I miss John with every breath and will for the rest of my life. More than anything, I keep faith that where he has gone is wondrous and glorious.  Yet there are still times I think, “It should have been me.”  I stopped asking “Why him?” long ago because we will never get an answer, at least not in this life.

[I miss you so much]

On 4/14/2023 at 7:06 AM, Shinka said:

There was a moment early in my grief journey when I was overcome by so much desperation and a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness, that I didn't want to live anymore. And although I had worked with clinically depressed people all my life, it was the first time I truly understood what they were going through. It's not 'simply' sadness or emotional pain, it's a big giant black hole, where one feels no purpose, no inspiration, no nothing. I made an oath there and then that instead of ending it, I would use whatever time was left for me in this body to try and put something good into the world. Even if I had to bear this pain for the rest of my life, life is still a previous gift and there is always something we can do even if it's in the smallest way. It's the intention that counts. And so I stayed alive and went on with my to do lists. I've never had this much desperation ever since. Lots of pain though. So to me that's the difference between depression and grieving. 

Very inspiring, thanks so much

[I miss you so much]

In my opinion, it's a personal choice.

As for me, they won't bring him back. And if I have to be on drugs to support life, better be dead.

On 4/14/2023 at 7:06 AM, Shinka said:

There was a moment early in my grief journey when I was overcome by so much desperation and a complete and utter feeling of hopelessness, that I didn't want to live anymore. And although I had worked with clinically depressed people all my life, it was the first time I truly understood what they were going through. It's not 'simply' sadness or emotional pain, it's a big giant black hole, where one feels no purpose, no inspiration, no nothing. I made an oath there and then that instead of ending it, I would use whatever time was left for me in this body to try and put something good into the world. Even if I had to bear this pain for the rest of my life, life is still a previous gift and there is always something we can do even if it's in the smallest way. It's the intention that counts. And so I stayed alive and went on with my to do lists. I've never had this much desperation ever since. Lots of pain though. So to me that's the difference between depression and grieving. 

I prefer something that Shinka has wonderfully expressed in this post.

That is, try to spend the time I have left doing something for others, in his memory. And I think it's helpful than drugs.

I also have PTSD, and it's very hard, but I've decided I'll search for my inner power and find a way.

However, I know that I'm very vulnerable. And I have problems to protect myself and defend myself from others, but drugs won't help me for that, neither.

[Bruce A]

On 4/12/2023 at 3:39 PM, Ck13 said:

I am still so very low and constantly crying..6 weeks since partners sudden death…someone suggested today that I should go to the drs for anti depressants.  What do you think? Will they help? I don’t think I’m depressed I’m just so so sad at losing my soul mate and also grieving for the loss of a future together.  However if they can take away some of this awful pain then maybe it’s worth it. 

As a person who suffers from severe clinical depression and has been on medication for 20 years I would say you probably don’t need antidepressants. Especially if you feel you are not really depressed. Right now you are feeling the tremendous grief of losing your loved one. No antidepressant is going to make you feel less pain. Unfortunately there is no magic pill to make the pain go away. It’s just something we all have to get through on our own. Hope this helps some.

[Bruce A]

On 4/19/2023 at 4:23 PM, foreverhis said:

I miss John with every breath and will for the rest of my life. More than anything, I keep faith that where he has gone is wondrous and glorious.  Yet there are still times I think, “It should have been me.”  I stopped asking “Why him?” long ago because we will never get an answer, at least not in this life.

I yell at God at least once a day that he should have taken me instead of my wife. Because of my mental health I frequently didn’t want to be here. But my wife was such an incredibly happy, caring person who touched so many people and was loved by so many. She should still be here. Not me.

[widower2]

On 4/27/2023 at 10:21 PM, Bruce A said:

 No antidepressant is going to make you feel less pain.

I respectfully disagree. It absolutely could. In fact that's their whole point. No guarantees obviously but they can and have helped others and it could be worth at least investigating. 

[Bruce A]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

I respectfully disagree. It absolutely could. In fact that's their whole point. No guarantees obviously but they can and have helped others and it could be worth at least investigating. 

Well now I have to respectfully disagree. I think having severe clinical depression for my whole life and being on pretty much every antidepressant available at some point qualifies me as someone who knows what they’re talking about. If their was an antidepressant to take away the pain I’m feeling believe me I would be taking it.

There are some medications that will block off all of your feelings and make you into a zombie. But I don’t think anyone really wants that.

[Jemiga70]

1 hour ago, Bruce A said:

If their was an antidepressant to take away the pain I’m feeling believe me I would be taking it.

In the late 90s I suffered an episode of severe clinical depression. I checked myself into hospital on doc's recommendations. I believe I've always suffered from dysthymia (persistent mild depression) but it wasn't till I was 26 when it blew up into a full blown clinical depression.  I went on a schedule of Zoloft, an antidepressant.

FOR ME the pain of clinical depression is similar to - but not the same - as the pain of grief.  I do not believe - again, FOR ME - that if I went back on Zoloft now it would do a thing to relieve the pain of losing my beautiful wife to the spirit lands.

Edited April 29, 2023 by Jemiga70
clarity