The little things we miss

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I've completely abandoned Sunday morning breakfasts now...it's just too painful. 

This actually might be a positive for me health-wise but I have no reason to buy bacon because there are no special Sunday brunches anymore that the two of us always enjoyed. Just as you said, it's just too painful. 

[tnd]

3 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I've completely abandoned Sunday morning breakfasts now...it's just too painful. 

Nothing is routine for me anymore. I hope his coffee mug was packed because morning coffee was special for us. Once I move into the new place, I don't know if I will keep his mug on the table or not or if it will be too hard. I am guessing that over time our routines may change anyway for all kinds of reasons. Guess all we can do right now is to go by how we feel from day to day. Breakfast and coffee routines don't need to be decided on. I think we will be okay if they aren't. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, DWS said:

I have no reason to buy bacon because there are no special Sunday brunches anymore that the two of us always enjoyed.

It's a process and takes time but I eventually learned to value myself, just me, and to fix great meals for just me because I'm worth it.  Ask my puppy!   It also took me years to take control of my health, part of it was no direction (or bad directives) from doctors, and part of it was realizing I'm getting older and can no longer get away with it and want to outlive my puppy to spare him the trauma of rehoming.  I educated myself about health and the lies we've been told, yes here in the US!

13 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't know if I will keep his mug on the table or not or if it will be too hard.

I have one that belonged to my sister, keeping little bits of her around me is comforting.  

[John9]

13 hours ago, tnd said:

Once I move into the new place, I don't know if I will keep his mug on the table or not or if it will be too hard. I am guessing that over time our routines may change anyway for all kinds of reasons. Guess all we can do right now is to go by how we feel from day to day.

tnd,

As I have said many times there are so many things here that remind me of my loving wife. The really special things I try to be careful with as I don't want to lose them. I also have to be careful because my loving wife's cats are evil and are always knocking things off the counter and the tables and shelves and I would hate that something special gets broken. Not that everything isn't special in it's own way because of my loving wife.

[Canadagirl81]

I haven't moved his toothbrush out of the cup. His shampoo and conditioner are still in the shower. His slippers are beside the bed. I'll be moving in a few weeks and I feel like I'll pack these things and put them in the new place...especially his toothbrush. I know that may seem weird but....IDK...they comfort me. 

[John9]

9 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I haven't moved his toothbrush out of the cup. His shampoo and conditioner are still in the shower. His slippers are beside the bed. I'll be moving in a few weeks and I feel like I'll pack these things and put them in the new place...especially his toothbrush. I know that may seem weird but....IDK...they comfort me. 

Canadagirl81,

I am sorry for your loss. I would never say that anything is weird if it brings comfort and comfort is very important, especially at the early stages. Grief is personal and how you process it and make it day to day will be also. I put up many photos of my loving wife after she died because when she was alive she hated how she looked in them. I look at them all day as I pass by them and I talk to her when I do. It may seem weird to others but it is what I did.

[Canadagirl81]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

Canadagirl81,

I am sorry for your loss. I would never say that anything is weird if it brings comfort and comfort is very important, especially at the early stages. Grief is personal and how you process it and make it day to day will be also. I put up many photos of my loving wife after she died because when she was alive she hated how she looked in them. I look at them all day as I pass by them and I talk to her when I do. It may seem weird to others but it is what I did.

Thanks so much John. I think that's completely beautiful that you hung photos of her and talk to her every day, I see absolutely nothing weird about that. Thanks for the support. <3 
Laura

[DWS]

Laura....everything you've mentioned sound perfectly fine. Quite honestly, those items are all part of your everyday decor. Your move in a few weeks will be challenging enough. Keeping that part of your everyday scenery will make it feel more like home. 

The washcloth that Tom used after his last shower here is still where he left it on the edge of my bathtub. He had come in from a long hour and half run that day. I can't see moving that cloth any time soon. It's certainly not hurting anything. 

[Canadagirl81]

Thanks so much @DWS You are right. I'm glad his washcloth brings you comfort too. 

[mktbutterfly]

I miss falling asleep to him playing videogames. I'd always say I wanted to watch him play, but I always fell asleep. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

His shampoo and conditioner are still in the shower. His slippers are beside the bed. I'll be moving in a few weeks and I feel like I'll pack these things and put them in the new place...especially his toothbrush. I know that may seem weird

It was just 3 days ago now that I finally tossed the itty bitty piece of moisturizing soap John liked.  It sat on its little tray in the shower for going on 4 years. His hairbrush is in the drawer because it has some of his wonderful grey hair in it.  His backpack and favorite cap hang on a hook by the back door; used to be front door, but I needed the hook space.  His pillow is still on the bed, though I change the pillowcase when I change mine.  There's more, but I'm sure you get the idea.

No, it doesn't seem weird to anyone here.  I don't give a fig if it sounds weird to the world in general.  Unless and until someone goes through this loss and grief, they do not get to judge why we do what we do or how we do it.  Actually, even then, no one gets to judge us as we stumble along our unique grief journeys.

Pack them and take them and be comforted by them.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

know that may seem weird but....IDK...they comfort me. 

Best to take them along then. No one says you have to get rid of anything. You can decide that when you're ready and that may be quite a while. I think that as long as you get to decide, that is what is important. 

[KMkm]

I miss doing everything I could to make my wife happy.  I felt so fulfilled to spend most of my time doing things for her and my kids.  I have only one purpose now and it's to raise our two kids.  I also miss her pictures.  She took so many pictures of everything.  I could go on but for me and probably all of us here it's the energy that I could feel when she was near me.  I don't feel that energy anymore.  I don't feel anything anymore.  It's nice to read the comments and stories on here.  We all had such beautiful people in our lives and we are so blessed to have them choose us to be with, no matter what amount of time spent together is a true gift.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I haven't moved his toothbrush out of the cup.

It took me over 16 years to throw away his individual packets of artificial tears, why I don't know.  Grief is weird sometimes how we handle it.  I kept my sister's eyeglasses, I don't know why, she loved her new pair (got them right before Christmas), I felt the need to honor her by keeping them for some reason.    I've learned not to look for why we do what we do, just accept it.

 

13 hours ago, John9 said:

I would never say that anything is weird if it brings comfort

Exactly, and we need it.

 

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It was just 3 days ago now that I finally tossed the itty bitty piece of moisturizing soap John liked.

I still have toiletries my grown kids used when living here.  Stupid?  Maybe, but it's like dibsing their place here.  And I've never told anyone this before, but I still have their dad's long skinny hairbrush in the shower that he used to scratch his back.  (He'd be bowled over to learn that!)  I guess it represents there used to be a family here.  I don't know, I've thought about tossing it.  Am I hanging onto that relationship?  NO!  We both moved on, it wasn't a good relationship, George is the only one I ever had that love connection with, but hell if I know why we do what we do sometimes!  It just is.

[John9]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

but hell if I know why we do what we do sometimes!  It just is.

KayC,

That comment is so true, and I think partly why I need this forum. I need to hear from others who have experienced their own grief that I am not any crazier than I always was. As I have said, I don't know if I would have made it this far without the support from the people here.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Exactly, and we need it.

I don't know...sometimes i hate his things!!

They look like the wreckage of a shipwreck...too painful!

I'm tempted to throw them out of the window, as a revolt against fate!

Other times they are comforting, remembering him...his little things make me smile!

Changes in moments...

 

[KayC]

On 4/18/2022 at 6:58 AM, John9 said:

I am not any crazier than I always was.

Thanks for bringing me a smile today!  I needed that!

23 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

They look like the wreckage of a shipwreck...too painful!

That's his shop, it's been almost 17 years, I can't clean it out, toss stuff, organize it, it's so painful to set foot in there.  Association with him I guess.

 

23 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Other times they are comforting, remembering him...

Yep!  And nothing need make sense.

[Gail 8588]

On 4/14/2022 at 11:51 AM, John9 said:

. . . my loving wife's cats are evil and are always knocking things off the counter and the tables and shelves . . . .

John9, 

I also live with a cat. I once read that the proof that the world is not flat is that if it was flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now. 

So true. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

One of the little things I miss is that my husband used to rub my tired feet when we watched TV.  He had a very healing touch and could just melt away the stress and pain.

[DWS]

I really missed telling Tom about a nice order that I got in earlier today. Both of us were self-employed and during our work days, we would text each other throughout the day with anything newsworthy happening. Though we were in two different professions, there were always similar experiences we would discuss and be supportive regarding our small businesses. There's such a huge void there now. 

[John9]

10 hours ago, DWS said:

I really missed telling Tom about a nice order that I got in earlier today. Both of us were self-employed and during our work days, we would text each other throughout the day with anything newsworthy happening. Though we were in two different professions, there were always similar experiences we would discuss and be supportive regarding our small businesses. There's such a huge void there now. 

DWS,

The key part that I got out of your comment is that you were supportive to each other. That is one of the many things I miss about my loving wife. I have none of the support I had and really need now. The online support is good but not quite the same.

[DWS]

36 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have none of the support I had and really need now. The online support is good but not quite the same.

I hear ya. Our spouses and partners became the key ingredients to our daily lives...our support, our confidants, our immediate go-to persons, our you-and-me-against-the-worlds, the ones to always count on for love and commitment. We build our lives around each other and those included in our lives...friends and family...busy themselves building their own lives too. Take away our significant others in this scenario and we're left in total despair...bewildered and alone. Some friends and family may try to make more room in their lives for us than they did before but they can only do so much and whatever it is can never take the place of what's lost. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

One of the little things I miss is that my husband used to rub my tired feet when we watched TV.  He had a very healing touch and could just melt away the stress and pain.

George used to give me foot massages and paint my toenails.  God I miss everything about that man.

You know, people have said to me that on line support is not the same...well it's more than I've had from anyone else.

 

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

The online support is good but not quite the same.

So true. I am so thankful to have found this community. The members here helped so much during my most painful, difficult times.  But no, it's not like having my John by my side.  Something I read early on really stuck with me:  How do you survive when the person you count on for comfort and strength is the one who is missing?  I know that's not exactly the quote, but it's close.  That is one thing that makes losing our soulmates the hardest, most devastating thing ever.

[Canadagirl81]

@foreverhis exactly. Glenn was my person, my rock, my constant and the one that brought me the most comfort. I have to be that for myself now but it will never ever be the same. I can't stand this. 

[John9]

42 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Glenn was my person, my rock, my constant and the one that brought me the most comfort. I have to be that for myself now but it will never ever be the same. I can't stand this. 

Canadagirl81,

If you look at what my profile says, my loving wife was everything to me and I have also said just what you say about Glenn. My loving wife was my grounding rod, my rock and I am just so lost without her. As I said nobody could scratch my itch like she could and I really could use her right now.

[Canadagirl81]

@John9 I am so sorry, I totally get it. You aren't alone. 

[tnd]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

You know, people have said to me that on line support is not the same...well it's more than I've had from anyone else.

Me too. I can't seem to even have a normal conversation with anyone here in this house. I try to start conversations but then get ignored. I've never encountered this before. I'm a people person so don't have trouble making friends when I want but being outright brushed off and ignored is not something I am use to. Oh how I wish my hubby was here...

[Roxeanne]

19 hours ago, KayC said:

 people have said to me that on line support is not the same...well it's more than I've had from anyone else

In the first times i was looking for help and consolation from friends family anyone who  made me feel less desperated!

Then soon i realized  they simply couldn't...

So i found a forum like this...a warm community that shared my feelings, even the most crazy thoughts i had!

It was a relief and a fundamental teaching on how to survive a catastrophe in your life!

When the community was dispersed from an inconsiderate careless reset of the site... i was in a panic so important it was for me!

I found this forum and i keep on my road trough grief with friends who understand, who really "get it"!

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

How do you survive when the person you count on for comfort and strength is the one who is missing? 

'Cos this is the abyss into which we have been thrown!

You can't get out of it without the right traveling companions...

so grateful to everyone here !

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

When the community was dispersed from an inconsiderate careless reset of the site... i was in a panic so important it was for me!

Is that what happened?  I thought they did an upgrade!  But never has one had the issues and taken so long as this one.  

[Canadagirl81]

I just wanted to share what came in the mail today. I got this bear made out of one of Glenn's dress shirts that I absolutely love on him. It's from an Etsy shop called JinBears, she's in New Jersey. She made a buttoned opening at the back of him so I can put some of Glenn's ashes inside. I am beyond thrilled. 
 

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

6 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

When the community was dispersed from an inconsiderate careless reset of the site... i was in a panic so important it was for me!

Expand  

Is that what happened?  I thought they did an upgrade!

They did more than an upgrade Kay...they changed completely the site deleted all the posts and the blogs! People got upset...'cos years of experiences and reflections on grief were canceled...

For me at the beginning of my journey it was "the bible"of the grief...a place full of stories and advices, a source of comfort and knowledge about my feelings...and all the friends who post there! Suddenly we weren't able to contact each other...

It was another trauma...very sad! All the people disappeared and almost no one stayed in the new site...

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I just wanted to share what came in the mail today. I got this bear made out of one of Glenn's dress shirts that I absolutely love on him. It's from an Etsy shop called JinBears, she's in New Jersey. She made a buttoned opening at the back of him so I can put some of Glenn's ashes inside. I am beyond thrilled. 

That is so wonderful and what a sweet gift to have for yourself! It reminds me of what one of my customers did to memoralize her husband. Someone she knew fit a dozen teddy bears with smaller versions of her husband's shirts. She gave those out to her kids and grandkids. 

[DWS]

It's a nicer day here in Southwestern Ontario. I put some plants out onto the back deck that I winterized over the past few months. The sun felt good but it suddenly triggered a meltdown for me as I remembered all of the plans that Tom and I discussed over these past couple of years of building a gazebo-type structure over the deck. So many spirited chats about it with wine in hand. So many revised designs in our minds. I really wanted to start on it last year but pressure-treated lumber prices rose so high that I thought it best to look at doing it this year when the costs might lower. Now I don't want to do it at all. 

[John9]

2 minutes ago, DWS said:

It's a nicer day here in Southwestern Ontario. I put some plants out onto the back deck that I winterized over the past few months. The sun felt good but it suddenly triggered a meltdown for me as I remembered all of the plans that Tom and I discussed over these past couple of years of building a gazebo-type structure over the deck. So many spirited chats about it with wine in hand. So many revised designs in our minds. I really wanted to start on it last year but pressure-treated lumber prices rose so high that I thought it best to look at doing it this year when the costs might lower. Now I don't want to do it at all. 

DWS,

I understand the statement, except for the wine (I don't drink) my loving wife and I enjoyed sitting on our back deck and watching the animals. We wanted to make some changes and talked about what to do after we were done being caregivers for my friend and her Mother. Now I have no reason and absolutely no desire either. I only cut the grass because I have to. My loving wife would always pull her ear and say look into my head and see what I want to do.

[Bry]

I miss her calling me after work to tell me about her day. Then she would come home to jump on me and tell me how much she loves me. Everything reminds me of her and it’s so hard to live life. 

[HisPumpkin]

I miss him singing me to sleep. Sometimes silly songs like Puff the Magic Dragon (skipping the sad part because he knew I didn’t like it) but most often, our song. Time In A Bottle. He introduced me to this song.

He sang it to me most every night we were apart, and he sang it to me when we were together as he held me in his arms and we slow danced in the living room. It was going to be our wedding song. I miss his singing. Then again, I even miss his snoring. I just miss him. 
 

 

[Canadagirl81]

@DWS Holding you energetically my friend. You are loved. 

@HisPumpkin Music connects us. I love that song. Glenn sends me messages through music. I am a singer/songwriter and Glenn was a producer and an amazing bassist. We always made up silly songs and I think I miss that the most. We were like little kids together. I love that D sang to you, that's so special and sweet. 

[foreverhis]

On 4/21/2022 at 1:55 PM, HisPumpkin said:

Time In A Bottle.

This song has become one of the touchstones in my life.  I hadn't heard it in many years, but then one summer's day about year after John died, I turned on the car to go to town and it was playing.  Of course, it basically flattened me.  The weird thing was that it played three more times that day while I was running errands.  It was at different times and on different stations.  It kind of freaked me out, but was so apropos that I started hoping it would come on any time I start the car.  There are several songs and musical pieces like that for me.  Music touches our hearts and souls in a way that nothing else does.

[HisPumpkin]

@Canadagirl81 D and I loved to play, to imagine, to create. I’m a singer (not by trade but I did a lot when I was younger) and he’d tell me I had a voice like a Disney Princess and he couldn’t understand why I loved his, because he was tone deaf. But I always told him, everyone should sing, singing makes you happy. His singing would make the love bubble up from my toes through my body to the top of my head. He thought I was daft, loving his voice, but he loved that I did. He was more artistic with painting, visuals, graphics, woodwork than music but we were imaginative dreamers living in our own little world (though still practical about the realities). People forget to play together. We never wanted to stop seeing the magic in tiny things. 
 

@foreverhis it’s not a common song to hear three times in one day. Maybe a message to you. Music touches me too and right now it’s hard to be anywhere without a song triggering tears. It’s a beautiful song though. Every word. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

They did more than an upgrade Kay...they changed completely the site deleted all the posts and the blogs! People got upset...'cos years of experiences and reflections on grief were canceled...

I checked some posts I made a couple of years ago, they're still there.  When they do an upgrade, sometimes the lose the current posts from that week.  Unless they temporarily lost them and were able to restore them. I can't imagine being in charge of a site as vast as this on the technology side of it!  But then, I'm not a tech.  It IS vital and important to retain this.  On my other site, I had saved all of my posts (bookmarked into a document) and they made a switch over and I lost all of them in that document, they're still there, just moved...it was a lot like this that happened.

19 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I just wanted to share what came in the mail today. I got this bear made out of one of Glenn's dress shirts that I absolutely love on him. It's from an Etsy shop called JinBears, she's in New Jersey. She made a buttoned opening at the back of him so I can put some of Glenn's ashes inside. I am beyond thrilled. 
 

This is so special!  I wish I'd known about such things when I lost George, long ago too late as his ashes are scattered.

18 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

All the people disappeared and almost no one stayed in the new site...

It took me a while to realize I needed to type in grieving.com and get rid of my old bookmark...the site is still the same, but the old bookmark no longer worked.  I kept trying day after day!  I wrote to the moderator but it took a while to hear back...

17 hours ago, John9 said:

I understand the statement, except for the wine (I don't drink)

Me neither, between an alcoholic father (and half the family), none left now, and Diabetes...I chose to raise my kids as a teetotaler.  I just didn't want to add to them possibly being so, my daughter, thankfully is not and has maybe one drink a year, my son chose never to take the first drink and find out!  My sister Polly used to have a glass of wine with her dinner but has had to give it up (also diabetic), Donna and Peggy were both alcoholic (and Donna into drugs) but they both put that behind them years ago, thankfully, daddy died 40 years ago this week.  My kids had the same odds on their dad's side as well.

 

16 hours ago, Bry said:

I miss her calling me after work to tell me about her day. Then she would come home to jump on me and tell me how much she loves me. Everything reminds me of her and it’s so hard to live life. 

I welcome you here...it almost slipped past me!  I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing we've had to deal with...you learn to live without them, but never saw how that was even possible.  I hope you'll continue coming here.

 

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[John9]

16 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I miss his singing. Then again, I even miss his snoring. I just miss him. 

HisPumpkin,

I am sorry for your loss. I used to sing things for my loving wife too, mostly just nothing words that popped into my head at the moment. I also miss the snoring that she didn't do according to her, and the fact that she would wake me to stop MY snoring. I really miss everything about my loving wife and I always will. I too really like the song that you posted, I think my loving wife understood it when I put it with her Grandparents 50th Anniversary video we had made. It is one of the many trigger songs for me, and there are many.

[John9]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

This song has become one of the touchstones in my life.  I hadn't heard it in many years, but then one summer's day about year after John died, I turned on the car to go to town and it was playing.  Of course, it basically flattened me.  The weird thing was that it played three more times that day while I was running errands.  It was at different times and on different stations.  It kind of freaked me out, but was so apropos, that I started hoping it would come on any time I start the car.  There are several songs and musical pieces like that for me.  Music touches our hearts and souls in a way that nothing else does.

foreverhis,

I had a few really bad days (everyday really) last year and the song that kept coming up on the radio was Michael Jackson "You are not Alone" and it does go right into my broken heart. As I have said before music has always been my survival mechanism and I have always put meaning to the words but never as much as I do now since my loving wife died. I have over 18000 songs on my Ipod and they could all make me cry depending on the memory they invoke.

[HisPumpkin]

6 minutes ago, John9 said:

HisPumpkin,

I am sorry for your loss. I used to sing things for my loving wife too, mostly just nothing words that popped into my head at the moment. I also miss the snoring that she didn't do according to her, and the fact that she would wake me to stop MY snoring. I really miss everything about my loving wife and I always will. I too really like the song that you posted, I think my loving wife understood it when I put it with her Grandparents 50th Anniversary video we had made. It is one of the many trigger songs for me, and there are many.

I always told D I didn’t snore, so he’d call it silly things like “the super loud sleep noises that I don’t make that aren’t snoring - super, with a cape!” He’d make up silly songs too. These little intimacies that we shared with our loves, they are simultaneously beautiful and heartbreaking. It sounds as though you and your wife had a similar kind of bond, and I’m so sorry you are on this journey too. Hugs. 

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Me neither, between an alcoholic father (and half the family), none left now, and Diabetes...I chose to raise my kids as a teetotaler.  I just didn't want to add to them possibly being so, my daughter, thankfully is not and has maybe one drink a year, my son chose never to take the first drink and find out!  My sister Polly used to have a glass of wine with her dinner but has had to give it up (also diabetic), Donna and Peggy were both alcoholic (and Donna into drugs) but they both put that behind them years ago, thankfully, daddy died 40 years ago this week.  My kids had the same odds on their dad's side as well.

KayC,

I tried to explain to our Son just that. My family was and is an alcoholic mess, and my loving wife's family was too. I told him the odds weren't in his favor but he chose to try and I can't help him because he knows better. Today is our Son's Birthday and it is the second one since my loving wife died and it is another thing I miss about her. She would have tried to find him a perfect Birthday present and would have wanted to cook him his favorite meal and all of that. Just another day for me now that drives the point that she isn't here anymore.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

“I always told D I didn’t snore, so he’d call it silly things like the super loud sleep noises that I don’t make that aren’t snoring - super, with a cape!”

I love it!  That is so funny!

 

22 hours ago, John9 said:

Today is our Son's Birthday

I know it's not the same without your wife there, but I hope you and your son could enjoy some good time together all the same.

[foreverhis]

On 4/21/2022 at 4:57 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

Music connects us. I love that song. Glenn sends me messages through music. I am a singer/songwriter and Glenn was a producer and an amazing bassist. We always made up silly songs and I think I miss that the most. We were like little kids together. I love that D sang to you, that's so special and sweet. 

John and I are/were musicians too, by avocation, and grew up in homes filled with music and the arts. We met in the theater and raised our daughter to love music/theater and be a musician as well. We did shows together as a family and much of our travel was centered on the arts. Our friends and family are all involved in the arts.

He was an amazing music director, conductor, and trombonist; I sing, dance, act, and play the flute. That is, I did; I can’t really face it now  and my health won’t allow it anyway. Even though he didn’t sing all that often, he had a wonderful baritone voice. The times he did sing are so precious to me.

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

He was an amazing music director, conductor, and trombonist; I sing, dance, act, and play the flute.

I envy you both your giftings!  How wonderful and rich a heritage your daughter has!

[DWS]

This is probably more of a larger thing that I miss but I sure miss having my partner Tom here to share my dilemmas and help me sort out thoughts to make decisions...someone who truly knows me. Of course, most of these dilemmas right now are due to his absence in my life so that doesn't help. 

[HisPumpkin]

48 minutes ago, DWS said:

This is probably more of a larger thing that I miss but I sure miss having my partner Tom here to share my dilemmas and help me sort out thoughts to make decisions...someone who truly knows me. Of course, most of these dilemmas right now are due to his absence in my life so that doesn't help. 

Exactly this. D got me through everything. I don’t wish anyone in life dead at all, but had someone else close to me passed, D would have been there, feeding me with a bloody spoon if he had to to get me to eat. And just holding me. I miss being held by him. That comfort, that safety. And his guidance through every tough time. It enhances the loneliness, I think. I feel kind of like an animal who mates for life but has lost her counterpart.