The little things we miss

[DWS]

I thought I'd open a thread to share the innocent, small things that we are missing without our spouses and partners being here. There are so many things that we often take for granted during intimate relationships and with their absence, the blatancy of those sweet moments together become obvious. 

For example, this morning, a squirrel was sitting on my shed roof happily nibbling on a bagel that a neighbour must have tossed out. The sweet innocence of this animal had me mesmerized and then, as loss so often does, I started to cry thinking about how intrigued my partner Tom would have found this moment standing together watching....and he'd no doubt need to grab his fancy schmancy camera to get a good photo. 

What are you missing?

[KayC]

17 years worth of such moments...

[DWS]

26 minutes ago, KayC said:

17 years worth of such moments...

Yes, I'm stumbling upon them daily. Yesterday, my niece's teenaged daughter kindly shared some chocolate coconut cookies that she had proudly baked for my sister's birthday. Little did anyone know that these cookies...we call them "blobs"....was one of Tom's greatest pleasures at baking at Christmas time. I sobbed all the way home. 

[Jen H]

What I miss the most is sharing with him my feelings, thoughts, laughter, accomplishments, struggles, etc.  Everyone else doesn't seem to care.  There is always something going on that I miss sharing with him.  Right now it's watching Match Madness.  How he looked so forward to it every year.  

[Roxeanne]

52 minutes ago, Jen H said:

What I miss the most is sharing with him my feelings, thoughts, laughter, accomplishments, struggles, etc

Yes i miss it too! I could talk with him of everything...we didn't agree on everything but we understood and supported each other! We trusted in each other...!

It's that  lack that makes me feel lost, astray and not anchored in a hostile world...

And then i really miss goofing around together...

I had so much fun with him than now the world without him is so empty and banal!

Che te lo dico a fare ? (Why i do tell you ?)

Many of us have the same feeling..

[Canadagirl81]

Cooking for him, watching him enjoy it. Road trips. Singing our silly, made up songs. Cuddling watching documentaries. Putting lotion on his feet. Our daily walks down to the water. Our millions of little inside jokes. Him bringing me tea and toast in bed. All his noises. His voice. His eyes. His skin. His hands. His lips. His smell. Running my fingers through his hair. His laugh and me laughing with him. His silly dance. Him playing a composition on his guitar that he's been fiddling with for many years, I think he played it mostly out of comfort...and neither one of us ever recorded it which will baffle me forever. I wish I had recorded him playing it...I'd hear him from the other room playing it softly. Oh how I wish I could hear it just one more time. There are a million things I miss.....everything is so quiet now. 

[DWS]

15 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Our millions of little inside jokes.

This really is one of those things that we all miss the most. This type of quiet, humble intimacy is what really bonds a relationship...throwing out those innocent, funny comments knowing that they're the only one who will get the meaning and then getting that familiar look or wink that says it's just you and I together in this crazy world. 

[widower2]

Very much miss the inside jokes, which now are only funny to me (if that).

Her laugh.

Her being the slowest eater in the history of the world. (And thinking that the most important part about eating a meal is talking. IT IS NOT)

Her getting mad when I would tease her in obvious silly ways. 

Her expressions and sometimes funny pronunciations of words.

Her obsession with losing something of almost no value (like a paper clip) and turning the house upside down to look for it.

Her inability to say good-bye at the end of a phone conversation.

I could go on.....

I miss that lunatic.    

 

 

 

[KayC]

I have no inside jokes with anyone now, excepting my kids and rarely get to talk with them.  My son was traveling on his birthday but called me back the next night, we shared for an hour, that was a rare treat...I told him about when he was born.  Not sure I'd ever told him about that before.

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

Her expressions and sometimes funny pronunciations of words.

George would say "once so ever" instead of "whatsoever," I loved that!  It was a cute little nuance about him, it was HIM!  I never corrected or told him, I didn't want him to stop.  I've never heard anyone else say that.

[typesettergirl]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

George would say "once so ever" instead of "whatsoever," I loved that!  It was a cute little nuance about him, it was HIM!  I never corrected or told him, I didn't want him to stop.  I've never heard anyone else say that.

Certainly bittersweet remembering. I love play on words. George would be my hero.

Joe would pass by me watching a serious historical drama and say "they are not wearing any underwear!" Of course my reply was always "They didn't have underwear back then" ha ha

[Jen H]

Thanks to everyone who shared here.  I love reading all the unique precious little things only appreciated by a soulmate!  I'm sure everyone misses even the imperfections and annoyances of our special person as well.    

He would never get loud during our arguments.  He had this passive aggressive regular calm voice during arguments that would drive me crazy.  Sometimes ending with this little chuckle that really set me off.  Also when he was mostly bed bound if I wasn't in the bedroom with him, he would ask me over and over again what I was doing.  After awhile it would really get on my nerves.  What I wouldn't give to hear those words again.  

 

[JamesKow]

I miss so much laying in bed every night reading and just existing together. Didn't have to say a word, but was so comforting. Hate to say it, but I also miss the friends gossip... :-(

[foreverhis]

There are too many to list here, so I'll just choose one.

John had the most annoying habit of being able to make me laugh when I was irked about something.  I'd be in a mood, irritated with something (in 35 years, that included him at times).  I'd be reveling in it and he would say something so silly or funny or clever that I'd laugh and laugh.  Then I'd look at him and say, "You just ruined a perfectly good snit!"  And he would grin his "aw shucks" grin and say, "I know."

I have no one to help me out of my upsets, except when I have my sweet friend Raleigh staying by my side.  That little furry girl could make the angriest, saddest person smile.  They wouldn't be able to help themselves.

[Canadagirl81]

@foreverhis I smiled so big reading your reply. Glenn would do the same. He had the uncanny ability of pulling me out of whatever funk I was in. He also LOVED getting a reaction out of me by saying something he thought was shocking because he always said he adored my reactions. Most of the time I just played them off to be overly dramatic reactions because I knew he loved it.  Raleigh sounds adorable.... <3 
This is so hard.  Hugs xo

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Jen H said:

Thanks to everyone who shared here.  I love reading all the unique precious little things only appreciated by a soulmate!  I'm sure everyone misses even the imperfections and annoyances of our special person as well.

 

I agree. Just hearing the stories of the things that bind us to our special someones is heartwarming. So much love here. 

One of the little things that I miss happened this evening. I never thought of myself as a Trekkie but Tom brought that out in me as he was a big Star Trek fan. When I would watch the original series, I would send him a text that the Gorn was after Kirk again or "Spock and two red shirts landed on a strange planet"...to which he'd reply "that's not good". That was purely our simple fun time. I didn't get to have that pleasure this evening. I do have the special memory. 

[foreverhis]

Here's another.  John was really smart, talented, caring, a protector, and a kind of Renaissance man.  He could be serious, but he had such a silly side.  Our granddaughter says that the reason she's got "a silly gene" is because of her grandpa.  She's not wrong. 

With that in mind, picture this if you will:  A 6 foot tall, broad shouldered man doing a perfect imitation of Robin Williams’ character in The Birdcage and "the celebration of the dance."  The first time he did it, we had just watched the movie the day before and were chuckling over something.  He suddenly burst into the character and did the scene.  I quite literally doubled over I was laughing so hard.

We had so many little "couple things" that only we understood.  Sometimes all it took was a raised eyebrow and a gesture from across the room and I'd be smiling and even giggling like a school girl.  I miss the small, simple pleasure of those moments.

We all miss the silly and funny things, small and large, that defined a side of him that might seem unexpected. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Jen H said:

He had this passive aggressive regular calm voice during arguments that would drive me crazy.

This made me smile.  My son is extremely intelligent and calm.  He uses articulation, reasoning, always calm.  Must drive his wife nuts as she's volatile and extremely anxious, loud, gets nuts when she's upset!  Complete opposites.  He has extreme patience.  I miss him.

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

John had the most annoying habit of being able to make me laugh when I was irked about something. 

I love this!

[steveb]

My wife Chong would my hold hands in the morning, say a short prayer, and then give me a kiss before I left for work.  It really helped me start my day.   I so miss those moments. 

[widower2]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We had so many little "couple things" that only we understood.  Sometimes all it took was a raised eyebrow and a gesture from across the room and I'd be smiling and even giggling like a school girl.  I miss the small, simple pleasure of those moments.

Exactly. (I don't think I ever giggled like a school girl, but you get the point)  

[unmukt]

Once my love was in deep sleep and his mouth was left open ..i put my finger inside his mouth since I felt so mischievous. Oh lord, he bit me so hard and i screamed . He woke up and said he was dreaming someone put a french fry in his mouth . Lol we both couldn't stop laughing. I miss him so much. And then we went to the kitchen to make food. I played some weird song and we both started to dance..i miss dancing with him so much. He was a wonderful dancer.theres so many memories from everyday ..i might start painting these moments some day when i can . 

[steveb]

3 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

.i might start painting these moments some day when i can . 

That is a wonderful idea Gagarina!

[foreverhis]

On 3/29/2022 at 9:12 PM, widower2 said:

Exactly. (I don't think I ever giggled like a school girl, but you get the point)  

It would be okay if you giggled like a school boy who has just realized girls are special.

[Canadagirl81]

Sunday's are especially hard. It was our favourite day. Breakfast sandwiches, pancakes or french toast. A hike or we would drive somewhere new and take pictures. I just loved this day with him. I loved every day with him.  I'm really struggling right now. I did not bad for most of the day but then these overwhelming empty feelings just started drowning me. What is the point of anything anymore? Truly? I have my first therapist appointment in the morning so I'm hoping she can shed some new perspective here but man.... life is so completely hollow now. I try to be optimistic and shift my perspective to grateful and I AM! I so am for all the wonderful moments I got to spend with Glenn but I JUST WANT THEM AGAIN. I want him here and nothing is ever going to make anything feel okay. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disillusioned with what life even is now. I don't want this reality anymore, I don't want this consciousness or these feelings. I'm exhausted. 

[steveb]

Canadagirl81, I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through.  Your loss is still so very fresh.  I felt the same early on also. I’ve learned to manage my grief over time.  And time is what you need to process the grief. Seek out whatever resource you need to help you deal with the pain. I leaned heavily on my family. Thank God they were there for me.  You are not alone here. We all understand what you are going through.  
 

Hugs and prayers coming your way … Steve 

[Canadagirl81]

Thank you so much @steveb I truly appreciate you and everyone here. 

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Sunday's are especially hard. It was our favourite day. Breakfast sandwiches, pancakes or french toast. A hike or we would drive somewhere new and take pictures. I just loved this day with him. 

You definitely weren't alone in your grief today, Laura. The weekends are just so damn difficult to get through. I just wonder what to do with this endless sorrow. I know eventually I have to channel it somewhere but right now, I haven't a clue where that would be. If this is what they call meeting grief head on, what can be expected from here?

[steveb]

Weekends can be very hard. I know that I need to there for my daughter. That thought alone grounds me, and channels my energy the majority of the time. 

[widower2]

  

5 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

Sunday's are especially hard. It was our favourite day. 

Us too. Sunday routine was going grocery shopping in the morning; the store had this 1/2 off area for various things that were about to expire...we loved it. We'd get great deals on things like steaks which expired that day so we'd have to cook them that night (oh darn). Then we'd get breakfast burritos at the nearby McD's and come home, unpack the groceries, and have the burritos with coffee and read the Sunday paper (I so pity younger generations who will never get the joy of reading a paper). I grabbed the sports section and coupons, she had everything else.  Eventually I might read some of the other sections too, but those were the first dibs. 

[Canadagirl81]

@DWS I'm a singer/songwriter....I feel I should channel a lot of this with my creativity but the motivation is just not there either. I don't know where we go from here...just keep going on I guess. So sorry you feel the same as I do Don....but I'm also glad you are here with me and all of us. This is horrible. Somehow we have to keep going.....

[DWS]

@Canadagirl81I know exactly how you're feeling about channeling this through your music. Music has always been my life...my constant friend. I worked weekends as a nightclub DJ for 25 years and I have a wide array of records, CDs and mp3s at my fingertips....but I can't bear to listen to any of it.  So much of it was the musical background of my time with Tom. Earlier this evening, I had someone give me a thumbs up on a music mix that I have online. It's been a long time since that has happened. I don't get a lot of those because I'm terrible at promoting them but it gave me the idea that maybe that's where I could channel some of this grief...into a special mix of all of the tunes that hold so much meaning over these last four years with him.

[Canadagirl81]

@DWS I think that's a great idea Don...if you feel called to do that please do it. You could potentially help other people with your Tom mix. You'll know when you are ready just as I will with my writing. 

[widower2]

30 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@DWS I'm a singer/songwriter....I feel I should channel a lot of this with my creativity but the motivation is just not there either. I don't know where we go from here...just keep going on I guess. So sorry you feel the same as I do Don....but I'm also glad you are here with me and all of us. This is horrible. Somehow we have to keep going.....

I'm a closet composer myself (can't have enough songs about closets). Don't worry about the motivation; totally understandable. I didn't have motivation to do ANYTHING for quite some time afterwards. But, ironically, eventually, my songwriting really took off later on, with (surprise) a lot of the material being about her in various ways....a lot about regret and pain, but also about the joy of knowing her and being lucky to have had her in my life. Give it time. 

[Canadagirl81]

@widower2 That is so so beautiful and I'm happy to know your music returned for you and was cathartic in working through your grief. I'll give it time. Closet songs are awesome haha. I know it will return, I'll be patient. Thank you.

[widower2]

Thanks - mostly it's been lyrics. They come a lot easier for me than the music, which I'm far less adept at, but working on. I hope to record some eventually. (Fortunately, hardware and software to do so has gotten a lot better and a lot cheaper....).

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm a closet composer myself (can't have enough songs about closets).

Haha, I love your sense of humor!

I don't understand how you all got on here yesterday, I tried daytime and last night, nope, down for upgrade.  Have missed it this weekend!  

[widower2]

On 4/4/2022 at 9:56 AM, KayC said:

Haha, I love your sense of humor!

I don't whether to be flattered or worried for you - maybe both??     

Glad you're back! 

[KayC]

I've been here every day, the site has been unavailable several times.

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC last night It was completely down for me. 

[Sparky1]

I've also been having problems the last few days with the site.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I've also been having problems the last few days with the site.

Me too. It started a couple of days after the server migration was completed. So I checked one of the “Is a website down” sites that does a ping test. The result came back as “It’s up; it’s just you.”

Hm… I deleted the bookmark on my computer and typed just the plain grieving.com address. It popped up right away, but I was no longer logged in. I logged in from scratch and then it was fine. I’m on my phone right now and the same thing happened, so I deleted the “frequently used” tab and went in fresh. Same result. I got right in, but had to log in from scratch. We’ll see if I stay logged in and if the new bookmarks work.

 It is possible that the new server has a slightly different address path. Even one tiny thing different would corrupt the old bookmark.

[John9]

On 4/6/2022 at 9:20 AM, KayC said:

I've been here every day, the site has been unavailable several times.

KayC,

I found I had to alter my bookmark, and remove forums because it kept telling me it wasn't available.

[John9]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Hm… I deleted the bookmark on my computer and typed just the plain grieving.com address. It popped up right away, but I was no longer logged in. I logged in from scratch and then it was fine. I’m on my phone right now and the same thing happened, so I deleted the “frequently used” tab and went in fresh. Same result. I got right in, but had to log in from scratch. We’ll see if I stay logged in and if the new bookmarks work.

 It is possible that the new server has a slightly different address path. Even one tiny thing different would corrupt the old bookmark.

foreverhis,

I had the same issue too. I also wanted to comment on the topic. I too miss many things about my loving wife. BUT the other day I was cutting my toenails, and it made me very sad, because for most of the 35 years we were together I always cut my loving wife's toenails. It was just something I did and she enjoyed, the last 10 years or so I also shaved her legs for her, because it was easier on her back (so she said). I miss every little thing that made US and I hate being ME now. WE should still be in this together but are not.

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

and typed just the plain grieving.com address

That's how I got in as well. Usually the browser on my phone saves the most visited sites.  So when I clicked to search in the address bar of the browser, it was refusing the connection on my saved address for this particular forum.

[Loriii]

I can login just fine for the past 2 days. I typed in grieving.com as well, the last time (as the login detail is saved every time I visit the site).

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

That's how I got in as well. Usually the browser on my phone saves the most visited sites.  So when I clicked to search in the address bar of the browser, it was refusing the connection on my saved address for this particular forum.

I think it's entirely possible that the exact server path address is ever so slightly different, so the old bookmarks and saved addresses for the website won't work.  I'm having no problem getting in using the new bookmark I saved yesterday after I logged in "by hand."

[KayC]

On 4/7/2022 at 5:59 AM, Canadagirl81 said:

@KayC last night It was completely down for me. 

I could not get on at all yesterday no matter how early nor after I got home from the valley.    It's hard when you can't get online and touch base with and read everyone's posts. I had to change my bookmarks this morning.  Got a notice in an email and made my way in through it but it didn't show me signed in and didn't like my password!

[Tami M]

I was just thinking the other night of missing things.  I have made so much progress.  Cleaning house, new carpet and furniture ect.  My health, excecise and A1C.  My daughter just doesn't understand how significant these changes are for her and I.  He is so proud.  I just wish I could hear him say that.  

I miss our phone calls home from work.  I miss his guidance and opinion about things I have to make decisions about.  I laugh about how I don't hear the work zinc anymore.... folks it is called a sink.   All the daily annoyances.  I miss my friend and companion.  And pulling the load of everything at home and raising our daughter alone sucks.  But this too we will survive and get through.  hugs.

[tnd]

On 3/26/2022 at 5:13 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

Cooking for him, watching him enjoy it. Road trips. Singing our silly, made up songs. Cuddling watching

I definitely miss cooking for him. He had to be on a special diet and so I loved it whenever I could make him something and he would like it. I was not only glad to help him with his health but cooking was a way for me to let him know that his happiness was just as important to me. It was so easy to do and he'd practically drool whenever I'd bring him a plate. So I got something out of it too.  Now it's gone. Mealtime hasn't been the same. 

[Roxeanne]

On 3/28/2022 at 11:02 PM, Jen H said:

He would never get loud during our arguments

I don't know how we were able to stay calm when the other got mad! 

It was a kind of mutual understanding and protection...

As we were telling each other: "i know you need to vent...don't worry i'm here for you!"

Without words, it always worked !

I miss that too!

[Canadagirl81]

11 hours ago, tnd said:

 Mealtime hasn't been the same. 

Nope, it never will be.  I look over at his chair and the ache hits deep. I loved cooking for him too, he loved it as well. So special and now it's gone, just as you said. I've completely abandoned Sunday morning breakfasts now...it's just too painful.