My beautiful Hubby passed away on October 24th 2018, and life will never be the same again

[ModHerc]

I’m so sorry for your loss crackerjack4u.  That is a great story about David’s dog, definitely brought a smile to my face.  I really relate to the significant others pet.

My wife had a cat that was most definitely “hers”.  That cat, Pokey, absolutely loathed me until my wife passed.  I am an animal lover, and worked at the humane society where I was able to befriend just about every animal we brought in, viscious dogs, and even on occasions feral cats.  But Pokey would have none of it.  The cat always slept with her, but would refuse to get on the bed after I slept in it until the sheets were washed.

When she passed though and I began feeding and caring for Pokey, she mellowed a bit.  It was almost as if she was grieving as well, and though we still weren’t “friends” we at least could share the loss.  Hoping David’s dog mellows some and brings you some comfort as Pokey did for me,

Herc

 

P.S.  You might check in to Pet Smart or other pet stores for the nail grooming.  They are well equipped and usually less pricey than a vet.  If time is tight and a bigger factor for you, there are also pet groomers that will come to your place with a van that have good grooming stations as well.  You probably know those options already, but I know some very obvious things slipped by me in the early “brain-fog” days so I figured I would point them out.

[crackerjack4u]

@Herc  I'm glad Pokey started coming around for you, and I'm sure Pokey too was grieving the loss as well.  I think some pets are just partial to one particular person.  Dave's dog made every step that he made.  If Dave was sitting at his desk in the living room his dog was laying on his dog bed right at his feet, if Dave got up to go to the kitchen, etc.  the dog went with him.  His dog is doing some better and starting to come around a little, but he's just as lost and confused as I am right now, I think. He still searches the house for Dave. I wish I had allowed him to be in the room, and sniff Dave after he passed, and perhaps that would have helped him understand more what was going on?  He follows me around the house now some too, but most of the time when I go to leave a room, and plan to come right back I tell him to stay, and usually he does.   I'm not a big one on having a constant shadow following me around, and he has gotten under my feet several times in the dark and about made me fall, so I prefer he not follow me around everywhere like he did Dave. Hopefully we will get there in time.  I will check with the other places to see what they charge to clip his nails for sure.   They probably have a good dog fee, and a terror dog fee for nail clipping, and he will be in the latter category lol.    

[crackerjack4u]

It's day 39 since I lost my David, and things here are really rough most of the time. I've been trying to not post on my actual thread as often because it seems I keep saying the same thing over and over again anyway.  I'm trying to cope as best I can at the moment, but most of the time I feel like I'm losing the battle. I still cry A lot, feel completely lost and confused, and miss him every second of the day. I told my sister-in-law the other day how am I suppose to figure out what my so called "New Normal" is when nothing at all is normal about this, and nothing at all makes sense.  This is one tough journey already for sure. I, of course, didn't expect it to in any way be easy, but never realized just how truly hard this is going to be, and has already been.   

I'm still staying up all night, sleeping during the day- when I'm able to sleep at all,  I'm only able to eat very little and have lost close to 20 pounds since he passed away.  I've been feeling under the weather the past few days and between the stress, grief, and the rain we had a couple of days ago it has my pain level thorough the roof also, so that makes me feel even worse.

I went out with a friend last Saturday night (not last night, but a week ago Saturday) to Karaoke-(she does the show) and this is something Dave and I use to do a lot, but had to stop doing several years ago when he started losing his vision.  Although I thought getting out of the house doing something we use to enjoy would make me feel better, all it really did was fill me with guilt because I was able to go, and Dave wasn't able to be there by my side.  She asked me to go with her again this past weekend, but I told her No, and that I'd rather stay home.  

I mentioned something that happened shortly after David's passing on another post yesterday that I think a couple of you saw but since I've already brought it out I will post it here too.  I hadn't mentioned it on my post sooner because I was very angry, hurt, and embarrassed by it.  A so-called friend of both mine and Dave's who didn't have the time to come see him when he was sick, or to come to his Memorial had the gall the text me 6 DAYS after David passed away with this message : " I know it's early yet, but would you consider a roommate?" He, of course, didn't mean actual "roommate" in any sense of the word.  It made me so angry that he sent that message. Anyway, the more I thought about it, the madder I got, so I called him up on the phone, and ripped him to shreds which I felt was exactly what he needed to have happen.  Plus it made me feel better knowing that even though my David is no longer here to protect me from men like this I Can protect myself, and not allow anyone to treat me this way, or try to disrespect me, my David, or his memory in any way.

I've been trying to venture out a bit on the forum, and offer my support to others, but I'm not sure that I'm the best person to do this right now because I don't feel like I have my own head screwed on straight at the moment, so I'm taking slow.    

It seems like I'm just so sad, confused, lost, and exhausted all the time, and I know there's a very looong road ahead of me that I'm really not wanting to have to travel down.  

The only positive thing that happened this past week is that I did mange to take Crazy Dog in and have his nails clipped.  They said he growled a lot at them, but at least no one got bit.   

One day at a time.    Hugs and love to you ALL. 

[ModHerc]

@crackerjack4u,

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are doing incredibly well with your grief journey.  Comparisons of grief are ridiculous because everyone’s grief is so unique, but I hadn’t even gone to a grocery store at two months, let alone going out with a friend.  That is a huge step, and one you should be proud of.  Dave may not have been there physically, but he WAS there by your side, in your heart and in your thoughts.  He always will be, just as Christine is always with me.

Please post whatever you need to, wherever you need to.  I often feel like I’ve been saying the same thing for almost two years now, then I realize every time I say it, it may help someone new, or it may help me even though I have said it before.

Crying, feeling lost, confused, and missing them every second IS normal.  Also not feeling it is normal for some, either still in shock or simply grieving in a different way.  I think that is what a “new normal” is all about.  It is becoming familiar with feelings we didn’t understand before because we hadn’t dealt with trauma anywhere near the magnitude of what we deal with on a daily basis now.  Of course nothing feels normal to us now, it may in time though.  Our normal isn’t other people’s normal, and I hope for their sake it doesn’t become normal for them.  We are strong and capable enough to deal with it though, and the love, or memory of the love, of our lost will give us that strength when we falter.

Back to the subject of saying the same thing for two years, please do what you can to practice self care.  Eat whatever you can, sleep whenever you can, excercise if you can, and when all else fails drink plenty of water.  Try simple broth if you can’t eat something.  Try setting a schedule for going to bed at the same time every night.  I set an alarm for going to bed at around month three.  I eventually turned it off because I was actually going to bed before it went off, but it was very helpful early on.

I’m glad crazy dog didn’t bite anyone.  As for your so called friend, I hope something bites him.  What a slime ball.  I’d be embarrassed to share his gender, but I know from the story you have relayed he isn’t a man, he is pond scum.

As for reaching out on the forum, of course do what you are comfortable with.  I will point out though that I have never had someone reach out to me here and not felt greatful for it.  I would bet it is similar with you.  It isn’t nearly so much about saying something helpful as it is about letting them know you are listening.  That having been said, sometimes I just feel the need to take a break from posting, so as with most things in our grief journey, do what you feel is best for you.  Wishing you peace, calm, and rest throughout the journey that is in front of us all,

Herc

[KayC]

9 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

I told my sister-in-law the other day how am I suppose to figure out what my so called "New Normal" is when nothing at all is normal about this, and nothing at all makes sense. 

I had a really hard time with the use of "new normal" early in my grief journey.  I finally understood what they meant but it took having done it to get it.  Does that make sense?  Some words hit me wrong, this is one of them, I felt like you, there's nothing "normal" about any of this!  But the old "normal" is gone, it passed with him.  It took me literally YEARS to build a new life I could live, now my everyday existence I have, that is my "new normal" although it will also be ever evolving and changing.  Some changes are good, some sure don't feel that way!  But change is part of life especially as we grow older it seems.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

I've been feeling under the weather the past few days and between the stress, grief, and the rain we had a couple of days ago it has my pain level thorough the roof also, so that makes me feel even worse.

It's really important to take care of yourself.  You might want to see the doctor for sleeping pills to help you sleep.  We need our sleep to function at our best and you don't want to come down sick!  It's also important to eat something healthy (from all of the food groups) every day.  And stay hydrated.  If anyone else is sick, stay clear of them, you are vulnerable and likely to catch anything you come into contact with.  If you don't want sleeping pills, try Luna (sold on Amazon, eBay).  But don't be afraid to get help, I should have and didn't when I was early in my grief.  I wished I had taken my doctor up on it, especially in those early days.

8 hours ago, Herc said:

please do what you can to practice self care.

Amen to that!

And I'm glad Crazy Dog got his nails trimmed without biting anyone!  Growling is okay, just them letting us know they aren't liking it!  Biting is not!  My dog is allowed to voice himself, not allowed to act on it!  I think they'd have to have a stockade to trim my dog's nails!  Did I ever tell you the story about him getting blackballed from all of the vets in town?  And he's never even bit anyone!

[crackerjack4u]

Thank you Herc your words are always so encouraging, and supportive. I'm trying, not always succeeding, but trying none the less. Having him in my heart, and thoughts just isn't the same as him being there with me though, and I hate that we are all being forced to go through all this.     

Things in life are pretty much forcing me out of the house occasionally which is probably a good thing-2 days after David passed I had a doctor's appt for the 1st time with my new doctor who had taken over for my many years long doctor who retired, I checked and he had no other available appts for months, so instead of cancelling like I wanted to, I went to it because this doctor is one of the main ones who will from here on out help keep my checks coming in, or not, so I felt I really couldn't afford to not go to that appt, regardless of the state of mind I was in that day. This month alone I have 5 doctor's appts that will force me out of the house.   

 I too hope that our "Normal" doesn't become other people's normal because this is horrible, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  I do wonder about having the strength to get through this most days though, it's that holding out for the time we can be together again that is about the only thing keeping me somewhat sane, and going at the moment.  I'm hoping in time this becomes easier but right now, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through in my life. I've been through a lot of difficult things in my life, but nothing compares to this. 

I don't know if the alarm thing would actually work for me.  I've tried to lay down to go to bed at a decent time, but I just lay there awake crying, so I figure what's the use I'm not going to go to sleep anyway, so I get back up, turn on the TV, and remain up the rest of the night.    I usually end up going to bed when I'm so exhausted that I'm about to fall over, and only then am I finally able to actually go to sleep-sometimes.  

I've always tried to help others when I could.  I thought if I can offer someone just a kind word, or just a shoulder to cry on like so many of you have offered to me, hopefully it will bring them some comfort as they are forced to make this horrible journey too.  I'm just taking it slow for now, so I can continue to work on me too while trying to get my head on straight, and trying to make sense of all this, (which I don't think I'll ever make sense out of this), but hopefully in the process I can help someone else along the way. If the little that I'm doing right now though gets to be too much for me I will back off and take a break from it. Thank you again Herc for everything, your kindness is so appreciated.

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I had a really hard time with the use of "new normal" early in my grief journey.  I finally understood what they meant but it took having done it to get it.  Does that make sense?  Some words hit me wrong, this is one of them, I felt like you, there's nothing "normal" about any of this!  But the old "normal" is gone, it passed with him.  It took me literally YEARS to build a new life I could live, now my everyday existence I have, that is my "new normal" although it will also be ever evolving and changing.  Some changes are good, some sure don't feel that way!  But change is part of life especially as we grow older it seems.

  

 @KayC Yes, it makes perfect sense.  I personally don't like the term, and think perhaps at least at first it needs to be called our "New Abnormal" because nothing about this is normal at all.  

3 hours ago, KayC said:

It's really important to take care of yourself.  You might want to see the doctor for sleeping pills to help you sleep.  We need our sleep to function at our best and you don't want to come down sick!  It's also important to eat something healthy (from all of the food groups) every day.  And stay hydrated.  If anyone else is sick, stay clear of them, you are vulnerable and likely to catch anything you come into contact with.  If you don't want sleeping pills, try Luna (sold on Amazon, eBay).  But don't be afraid to get help, I should have and didn't when I was early in my grief.  I wished I had taken my doctor up on it, especially in those early days.

I think they'd have to have a stockade to trim my dog's nails!  Did I ever tell you the story about him getting blackballed from all of the vets in town?  And he's never even bit anyone!

My problem is I just can't eat much so getting in all the food groups will be very unlikely.  It is both stress, and pain related because the stress is increasing my pain ten fold, and when I try to force more than just a couple bites down it makes me sick.  I drink quite a bit though.  I don't know if you are aware.  I know you know that I'm disabled but don't know if you know all the Whys.  So here it is: I've had a total of 38 surgeries, and have issues with my back, my ribs, my neck, my arms and hands, my legs and feet, have fibromyalgia, have a multimodule goiter with calcified nodules on my thyroid, blockages in both my carotid arteries, have tendonitis bursitis and joint deterioration in both my shoulders, and have a double hernia, among other medical issues. The doctors are currently wanting to do surgery on my carotid arteries, my legs, my feet, my hernias, remove my thyroid, and to do surgery #3 on my hands, but I keep putting them off because I've had so many surgeries already, and have so many health issues.  So as you can imagine, I'm on a lot of very strong medications already, so I really don't want to add anything else to them unless it becomes absolutely necessary.  I already take narcotics both orally- Norco) and Dilaudid via an implanted pain pump, anti depressants, anti-anxiety meds, muscle relaxers, and topical pain cream. If it doesn't get any better, or it gets worse though I will check with my doctor to see if he thinks adding something else or using Luna might help.

No, you never told me about your dog getting blackballed from all the vets. What Happened?   LOL I can see that happening with Crazy Dog too.

I hope you have a nice day KayC.  Your advice and friendship is so helpful and appreciated.  

PS- I don't know how to split the quotes up for the different areas to answer under each section yet so you guys just bear with me until I figure it out.           

[KayC]

I used to make a smoothie that had all the food groups, yogurt, banana, granola, strawberries, some orange juice concentrate, spinach, and protein powder.  There, all the food groups and all you have to do is drink a smoothie!  Take a couple of sips at a time to get it down then.

Well I had the cupboard door open, the phone rang, I got engrossed in that and all of a sudden I heard my dog scarfing down something like there's no tomorrow.  I look over and he'd gotten into rat poison in the cupboard!  Half of it was gone, not sure how much was in there to start with.  I'm 60 miles from anywhere, so I called the emergency vet, got my dog in the car and took off.  Took 1 1/4 hours to get there, (they'd told me not to let him vomit...how do you stop a dog from vomiting anyway?).  Got there, they let me in, fiddled around trying to weigh him, I told them, forget the weight, just do something!  They took him back in the room but wouldn't let me back, made me leave the building and locked the door behind me.  An hour later they called me and told me to come get him.  I went back there and they said they couldn't get charcoal down him, he growled at them.  They said he "tried to bite them." I told him if he'd wanted to bite them, they'd be bit!  I told him growling is his way of telling them he's not liking it, and I'd growl too if a total stranger was trying to force charcoal down my throat and wouldn't let my mommy stay with me.  I also told them I probably could have gotten the charcoal down his throat if they hadn't thrown me out of the building.    The window of time had already passed so they told me I'd have to wait six weeks to see if my dog would live or die.  I wasn't very happy, anyone get what kind of a hell that was for me?!  I took my dog to my own vet later and that was when I learned they'd sent out a letter to every vet in town telling them my dog was "vicious".  OMG!  I was so mad!  My dog has never bitten anyone!  These people don't know how to handle animals!  And this is the so called emergency vet.  When I switched vets later on, my new vet had the same letter on file.  Fortunately they didn't pay any mind to it, I'm sure they knew how the ER vet was.  I was lucky that Arlie was 140 lbs and was able to get through it, a smaller dog would not have made it.

[KayC]

Oh and all you do to split quotes is highlight a passage and then "quote selection" appears, click on that and you have that segment inserted.  You respond to that and then highlight another section, click on the "quote selection" and continue.

[crackerjack4u]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I look over and he'd gotten into rat poison in the cupboard!  Half of it was gone, not sure how much was in there to start with.

That had to be super scary already then them throwing you out the door made it even worse I'm sure.  

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I wasn't very happy, anyone get what kind of a hell that was for me?!  I took my dog to my own vet later and that was when I learned they'd sent out a letter to every vet in town telling them my dog was "vicious".  OMG!  I was so mad!  My dog has never bitten anyone!  These people don't know how to handle animals!

I bet it was pure hell for both you, and Arlie.  You're right, it sounds like they don't know how to handle animals and they sound pretty much useless.  I'd think most dogs would growl when someone is trying to force a tube down their throat, and into their stomach to try to give them charcoal.-I know if it was me they were doing it too I'd growl at them too lol.  Then to send out that vicious dog letter to All the other vets because of it was ridiculous. I'm really glad he made it through though but it sounds like it was of yours and his doing and yes, I'm sure his larger weight helped tremendously.  It was certainly nothing they did that helped for sure.    

 

I had 2 of my dogs get into a fight a few years ago and when I went to break them up I got caught in the cross fire and got bit. (It was not an intentional bite by my dog, I just got my hand in between them and got accidentally bit).   I went to Immediate Care to get a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to prevent infection because I couldn't remember when I'd gotten my last tetanus shot, and a dog bite can easily become infected.  It was a flipping nightmare they wanted to notify everyone in the State about this Vicious dog, and said they are required to report any dog bites.  I told them it was Not an intentional dog bite, and if anything it was more my fault for getting my hand in the line of fire during their fight than it was the dog's fault that I got bit.  Anyway they didn't end up reporting it, but it was certainly a mess trying to get them not to. It was My fault that I got bit, the dogs were really mad at each other, and in the mist of a fight, and stupid me put my hand between them to try to break it up.  I won't have an intentionally biting dog especially with my grandbabies coming into my home. Yes, I got nipped during the attempted nail clipping episode the other day, but he was actually snapping at the clippers not at me, and his tooth scrapped my hand he didn't actually bite it.  Plus he had given ample growling warnings beforehand that he was scared and nervous.   My dogs are all getting old, they are all spoiled rotten, they are very protective of me, and knowing all this when company or my grandbabies are coming just to be safe I put them all in their designated areas to avoid any possible mishaps from occurring.  It's always better to be safe than sorry, but if one of my dogs ever actually lunge at me, or one of my family or friends and attempted to actually bite them, whether they actually bite them or not, I'd have the dog put down.  

PS- Thanks for the tips on the quote thingy :). 

[ModHerc]

Watch out for those emergency animal hospitals.  Working for the animal shelter on overnight shifts I saw several of them, and only one that impressed me.  I worked overnight shifts every other week, and would have to take severely injured animals to them for treatment.  The majority of them gave minimal care at best, just trying to get the animal through until morning when they could hand the problem off to another vet.

It wasn’t due to their facilities or abilities.  They offered top of the line treatment to dogs brought in by the owners, for a very significant price.  One that sticks out in my head was a dog that had run out to the end of a leash chasing a car.  The owners brought the dog in, and even though the animal wasn’t presenting any continued issues, the clinic put it on oxygen in a hyperbaric chamber and did a large battery of tests, all while the receptionist talked to the owner about payment options and financing to the tune of over $1,000.

When a cat of mine had kidney failure they charged me over $2,000 just for testing and fluids, and all the results were inconclusive.  The next morning I took my cat to my regular vet, who tested, diagnosed, treated, and gave my cat two more wonderful years for $400.  Not every emergency vet is like this, but with extensive experience I think most of them are predatory money machines that are trained and willing to take advantage of distressed and distraught owners.  If anyone must take their pet to one (such as KC in her poisoning situation) please proceed cautiously and be aware they might be taking advantage of you.  As @Autocharge says, end rant, this one just infuriates me.

[crackerjack4u]

Luckily the vet that I use for my fur babies have their own 24 hour emergency line, and they get to see which ever wonderful vet from that clinic just happens to be on call that night, but not everyone is as lucky.  I've had to take a couple in after hours for emergency service, and although it is, of course more costly being an emergency after-hours visit, it's still nice knowing they are in good hands.  I have also had a couple of times where one of my babies was sick and throwing up, or was in pain and having trouble walking, etc.  and they've given me advice over the phone on what to treat them with (be it something I had that was prescribed for another one of the fur babies, or a needed trip to Walgreens or whatever), so I wouldn't have to even bring them in until they opened the next morning, and these times they didn't charge me anything at all.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

My dogs are all getting old, they are all spoiled rotten, they are very protective of me, and knowing all this when company or my grandbabies are coming just to be safe I put them all in their designated areas to avoid any possible mishaps from occurring.

Same with my dog, my animals aren't just spoiled, they think this is THEIR home and they graciously let me live here!  I am here to do their bidding, feed them, and give them belly rubs, LOL!  If I'm uncertain how it'll go with a visitor, I put my dog outside.  I just spent an hour on the phone with Fed Ex because their drivers can't READ my "Beware of Dog - Use Back Door" sign with an arrow pointing to the ramp leading to the back door.  I have it on their instructions so on every delivery it's supposed to be printed on the label, AND they have to walk right past my sign with blinders on to miss it!  Still they throw open the gate (leaving it open) and waltz up to the front door to leave their packages.  I wouldn't USE Fed Ex but some sellers ship that way.  My fear is one of these days my dog will be dozing in his dog house and they'll come in and he'll tear the snot out of them or they'll let him out, one or the other.  And they'd be the first to sue!  Like a comedian says, "You can't fix stupid."  For sure!

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Herc said:

If anyone must take their pet to one (such as KC in her poisoning situation) please proceed cautiously and be aware they might be taking advantage of you.

I've had some horrible experiences with "ER Vets".  One misdiagnosed my 19 year old cat with a cold/sinus infection, prescribed antibiotics to no avail, super high prices, wouldn't let me be with the cat while they examined him (or didn't)...the cat had CANCER!  As soon as I found out (from my regular vet), I had him put to sleep.  He went through an entire month of unbearable needless suffering due to that ER Vet.  And the ER Vet that "treated" Arlie, did nothing to help him, again refusing to let me stay with him.  What is with these vets that make us leave our pets alone with them?  I'm suspicious of anyone who does that now.

They really have us over a barrel.  We are desperate for their services and they well know it.  They may know medical treatment but they don't seem to have an understanding of animal behavior!  How I miss my old vet (now retired), he was wonderful, amazing, and priceless!

[crackerjack4u]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

my animals aren't just spoiled, they think this is THEIR home and they graciously let me live here! 

@KayC that comment is hilarious and I can actually say Ditto here too except I've just got more of them to get their approval to remain here.  

 

9 hours ago, KayC said:

"You can't fix stupid."

No, unfortunately you can't. It might be better to put the sign on the gate itself, and put a lock on it cause it does sound like an accident waiting to happen for sure. It's ridiculous that you would have to do something like that though because they apparently can't read.  

I was so ticked at them yesterday myself as they made a delivery I wasn't aware they made until I went to let Crazy Dog out to potty, and could Not get out my front door because they put (2) 67 pound pantry cabinets in their boxes on my wheelchair ramp, therefore, blocking my exit out that door. I thought how ignorant can a person be, there is wheelchair ramp so odds are the person inside the house uses a wheelchair- (thankfully I don't have to use it all the time, Yet, but I do use it often and he didn't know that I wasn't permanently in it). So lets just block their only means of escape with huge heavy boxes.  So I had to go out the back door-no ramp there, and get the neighbors to come move the boxes away from my door, and drag them into the house for me.  Another friend is coming tomorrow to put them together.  I just had to shake my head at the delivery guy's total stupidity on that one.       

[KayC]

Yeah, you've got to wonder!  I hope you complained.  My sister says they probably have warnings out about me, LOL!  (I'll complain)

I only have one dog but I have a cat that makes up for it, she's 23 and thinks she is the boss, totally!

[crackerjack4u]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yeah, you've got to wonder!  I hope you complained.  My sister says they probably have warnings out about me, LOL!  (I'll complain)

I only have one dog but I have a cat that makes up for it, she's 23 and thinks she is the boss, totally!

I did consider calling to complain, but haven't yet. Hey ya gotta do what ya gotta do lol.  Something like that could cost someone their life.  If a fire was to break out, and a person was permanently in a wheelchair with those heavy boxes blocking their door and ramp they'd be in big trouble.  

I have a male cat that is 22. Most people don't get to have their fur babies as long as we have for sure. He's been through everything with me. Marriage, divorce, loss of both my parents, now the loss of my David.   My cat's name is Malcom, but I call him Mow Mow (the OW pronounced like the ow in Cow) because he has meowed constantly for the past 22 years, and when he does he says: Mow, Mow, Mow, Mow...lol.  He was never allowed to sleep with me because of it, he never stops. Also he would paw at my face all night wanting me to rub him constantly so I had to put him in a different room at night.  I can't get him shots cause he's allergic to them, and lots of other stuff too.  I got his shots as a baby and the shots about killed him, and the vet told me then to never get him anymore shots.  Thankfully, other than 1 case of ear mites many years ago, he's never been sick a day in his life, which is a good thing cause he'd probably be allergic to whatever medicine they gave him.    

 

[KayC]

Wow, I've never known anyone to have a cat as old as mine!  I didn't get to know her until she was ten, she grew up in a trailer court in Portland, OR, was taken in and abandoned time and again, over and over, really had it rough, never knowing where her next meal was coming from.  There were a lot of drug addicts in that trailer court, didn't make for a lot of stability for her.  After countless litters, someone crudely "fixed her", the cord was literally hanging out of her belly when I got her...I hate to think about that.  She's never been to a vet.  My neighbor has a cat rescue and advises against giving shots to older animals, I always had until her, but she was old when I got her.  To think she hasn't had shots and never been to the vet but she's 23, that says something!  But like your cat, she's been healthy.  I've noticed a lot of aging signs in her this year, loss of weight, hearing, smell, and eyesight diminishing some.  This week I noticed her having loss of balance, like maybe she's dizzy, feeling unsteady.  But vets won't do anything for her now either because of her age.  I tried to get her in to have a couple of teeth pulled that are worn down, no one will touch her.  She wouldn't live through the anesthesia.  But they don't know her either.  She's about as strong-willed and determined as any animal I've ever seen!  I have to think that's played in to her living so long.  She's very demanding!  It's going to be hard when I lose her, and I know she hasn't a long time left.  But her stools are good and she's still eating/drinking, so I hope it's a ways off yet.  She also has allergies, I give her 1/2 Zyrtec every morning.

[crackerjack4u]

@KayC Bless her little heart no animal should have to go through what all she has, and the fixing her the way they did just sickens me- OMG, just the thought of it, seriously, what is wrong with people.  Knowing Malcom, and how allergic he is to about everything, he'd probably be allergic to the allergy meds too. 

I had a female cat, named Sissy, that someone abandoned in one of my dad's rental houses that was literally starving to death when I got her. She was such a sweet baby, and her and Malcom got to be close friends and would cuddle together.  It was heartbreaking too because the only thing she had access to when she was abandoned was water from the sump pump hole in the basement, and the entire time she was alive-which was many years, she would never bend her head over and drink out of a bowl, she would always reach her little paw into the water bowl (like she had had to do in order to reach the water in the sump pump hole) and then lick the water off her paw.  After I got her she would go completely nuts (and cry and squall at the top of her lungs constantly) if her food bowl ever got empty, so, reluctantly, I always kept it full for her, which in turn caused her to eat much more than she should have been, and she got really fat because of it.  Fat to the point that her belly would nearly drag the ground, but she was happy.  I went out one day in the critter area of my home, and found her dead, most likely from a heart attack because of her weight would be my guess, but she had a wonderful last few years of her life, even though she was fat and sassy. (My critter area is 3 entire rooms that are connected to and extend the entire length of my home 30ft x 75ft.  It is glassed in on one side so they can see outside, and walled in on the other, they have heat, AC, ceiling fans, food, water, their own personal couches, beds, and their own TV lol.  It's anything but rough being a fur baby in this house for sure.     

I actually had to start keeping Malcom in a large crate which has his bed, his food, water, and litter in it, about 2 or 3 years ago, because he was having issues jumping up on things.  He'd attempt to jump up on something and miss his mark, and fall.  He injured his back one day to the point of being unable to walk for several days, so for his safety I felt he'd be better off in a crate, but I let him out multiple times a day while I'm out there to supervise him so he can play, and cuddle with all his dog buddies, he doesn't like the 2 yr old kitty cause he wants to play with him, and Malcom wants no part of that cause the young 2 yr old is too rough for Malcom, the old timer, so I crate him while Malcom is out.   Malcom has always thought he was one of the dogs anyway cause that's who he was around the majority of his life.  When they'd go outside, he'd go outside, when I'd call them back in, here he'd come back in too with them, it was hilarious to watch him. The only thing he didn't do that the dogs did was Bark.  I had him outside at one time with another dog that I had who has now passed.  It took Malcom a year and half to realize he could jump over the fence, and he only did it twice-both times I was out of town with my mom when she was dying in the hospital, and had my ex husband feeding them while I was gone. My ex searched and searched for him both times, and couldn't find him, but I'd drive home from out of town, call him, and here he'd come running as if to say thank goodness my momma is finally back home.  I really think he was looking for me, or he'd never left the yard.  Gotta love our fur babies for sure, they sure give me a lot of love, and a lot of companionship.  I don't think I'd be making it as well as I am since Dave's passing if I didn't have all these little balls of fur here with me.    

 

[KayC]

We vie for first place as to who has the most spoiled furbabies, that's for sure!  Mine have their own recliners!  They are truly spoiled, but isn't that how it's supposed to be?  I wouldn't mind coming back as a dog so long as I belonged to someone like me or you!

[crackerjack4u]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

They are truly spoiled, but isn't that how it's supposed to be?

That's what Dave and I both thought about it, but now because of it we've created a couple of monsters along the way.  Especially Crazy Dog.  I've go a guy hired right now  to come fix the door facing and cover it in metal between the critter area and the other portion of the house cause Crazy Dog has torn it up since David's passing trying to dig through it to get in and look for Dave.   

[ModHerc]

Wow, you guys are fantastic pet owners!  The adoption desk at the shelter would have loved to see you two come through.  @crackerjack4u have you considered obedience training for Crazy Dog when you are feeling up to it?  There are a ton of options, from classes you go to (not sure you are physically up for that one, a lot of standing, walking, and activity from the owner may be required) to trainers that will come to your house.  That option can be pricey, but you might check your local area and see what is available.  You'd be amazed at how fast the turn over can be.  When I was at the shelter on over night dispatch duty, I would bring a dog up from the back and work with them sometimes.  Three or four sessions can make a world of difference.  Gotta balance it for what you feel comfortable with of course, I can see how having an unknown person at your house this early into your loss could be an issue, but it might cut down on the wear and tear on your doors.

[crackerjack4u]

@Herc I don't think physically I could do it anyway as I'm very limited on walking, standing, etc.. plus the cost would be an issue too.  Crazy Dog is old, has heart problems, has issues with Anxiety that I had to start him on meds for that started prior to Dave's death.  His anxiety started as the result of a chirping smoke detector when the battery was low and now if he hears anything that sounds close to that, or is a high pitched shrill sound he freaks out, and it seems since then anything different triggers an anxiety attack with him.   Plus he's spoiled rotten and very set in his ways. LOL he's just a grouchy ole nervous man.  Plus all his life he's been allowed to get away with a lot more than he should have for many, many, years, and now that has changed, and he doesn't like it. 

I try to make him be more like a dog, and go out where the other dogs are- (when I'm leaving to go somewhere otherwise he's inside with me laying right at my feet like he did Dave), I don't allow him to be in the vehicle with me every time it leaves the drive way (because Dave won't be in the vehicle now with him while I'm inside for my doctor's appts or whatever, and I can't trust him to not tear up the vehicle if he's in there alone) but when I'm going through a drive-thur or somewhere where I'll be in vehicle, or only have to go into a store for a quick second or something like that, I allow him to go with me, I try to get him to eat more of the food that dogs are suppose to eat and that the other dogs have always eaten, etc., and he's not liking the changes one little bit.

He's like a child rebelling against his parents, and he also misses Dave and can't understand why his daddy isn't here anymore, and hates that Everything in his life has changed.-I can completely understand this part of it because I hate that everything in my life has changed now too, but at least I can understand why more than he can).   We'd put him in the critter area before Dave passed away if we were going to eat or both of us had to go into the doctor 's appt, etc.  and although he didn't like it, he'd reluctantly go out there, lay down, behave, and wait for us to get home (he didn't dig up the door like he does now), but now putting him out there causes his anxiety to rise really high so he starts panting real heavy, and  trying to dig in.  I'm wondering if perhaps he's afraid I'll leave, and not return again like his daddy did?   

[ModHerc]

They do definitely grieve.  He probably had a bit of separation disorder prior to Dave’s passing.  Anxiety and “Velcro” dogs are two of the biggest indicators.  The obedience training was just a thought to make things a little easier on you, but it sounds like you have things well in hand. He will adjust to the changes just as we all will. I understand grouchy old men, I am on the fast track to becoming one if I’m not already there!  

[crackerjack4u]

54 minutes ago, Herc said:

They do definitely grieve.  He probably had a bit of separation disorder prior to Dave’s passing.  Anxiety and “Velcro” dogs are two of the biggest indicators.  The obedience training was just a thought to make things a little easier on you, but it sounds like you have things well in hand. He will adjust to the changes just as we all will. I understand grouchy old men, I am on the fast track to becoming one if I’m not already there!  

I think most likely you are correct on the separation anxiety issue prior to Dave 's passing, but he just didn't act out because of it like he's doing now.  He was a Velcro dog with Dave also, but Dave liked it that way, me not so much.   He never left Dave's side, and made every step that Dave made. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I personally prefer not to have a 24/7 shadow following me around for both safety-(he's about made me fall a couple times already), and other reasons.  If I attempt to go to the restroom and go to close the door he will run and shove his way into the bathroom before the door closes, so he's getting really bad about the separation issues.  

Oh and LOL at the grouchy Ole man comment.     

[crackerjack4u]

Well folks, I had a pretty significant fall tonight about 9:30 pm, which in turn lead straight into a meltdown. (So apparently I can add Falls as yet one more trigger to my meltdowns).   I was at the top of the steps in the critter room swatting a gnat with a fly swatter when my cat got underneath my feet causing me to lose my balance, and fall off the steps backwards.  Luckily my back was towards the dog beds when it happened,  and I landed on them-(there not that soft and there is a steel bar between the 2 beds) but landing on it was better than nothing.  If I'd fallen the opposite direction I would have landed on the tile floor that has concrete under it, and could have been hurt much worse, or killed. 

I still managed to hurt my neck, my back, my right hand, my right arm, my right knee, and the 3rd and 4th toe on my left foot. (Most of which were already messed up anyway, so I just added to it).  After I hit, I got an immediate blow top headache, both sides of my face went numb, and my nose started running- the nose running actually scared me the most because I thought it could be cerebral spinal fluid leaking from the impact because my nose was not running at all prior to the fall.  

Anyway, I'm still here so maybe it isn't CSF leaking, but my nose is still running even now, both sides of my face are still numb, and I still have a horrible headache, plus I'm now so sore everywhere that I can barely move. I considered going to ER after it happened, but then decided not to. 

The Meltdown-After I got up, and realized I had fallen, Again, and hurt several areas I completely lost it, and started to cry uncontrollably. I wasn't crying because I had fallen, or because it scared me, or even because I was hurt,  I was crying because I was both very sad, and very angry because my David wasn't here with me. I realized immediately, at that moment,  just how all alone I really am here at home. 

I've had falls before, so if I'd go outside or in the basement or wherever and be gone too long, David would always come check on me to make sure I hadn't fallen.  When I have fallen in the past David was always here when it happened, and he'd either hear me hit the floor or hear me hit whatever I'd land on, and he'd come running to check on me, or if he didn't hear me fall, I'd always tell him what had happened, where I'd hit on my body, and anything that he needed to watch out for incase it became an emergency. (My fall prior to this one resulted in a softball size knot on the back of my head, and 2 black eyes from the back of my head hitting the steps when I fell). But I realized tonight that I'm all alone now, I don't have my David to check on me, or watch over me anymore, so I could fall and lay there for days badly hurt, or die, and no one would even know.  Things weren't suppose to end up this way, not this way at all. Lord, I miss my David so much.       

[ForgetMeNot150]

@crackerjack4u 

I feel so helpless and wish I could pop round and check you are ok. Having your face numb and nose running doesn't sound too good. If it doesn't come right soon, please go and get checked up. Is there anyone that you could get to come round and be with you just until you come right? You could have concussion, so please take it easy and look after yourself as that could affect your balance and you don't want to fall again. 

Being alone at times like this is horrible when you realise that the person that used to be there for you no matter what isn't there anymore. It just makes everything a million times worse.

Thinking of you and please promise me you'll go to the ER if you need to. And check in here regularly with updates if you can so we know you are ok.

Big hugs (but gentle ones as it sounds like you could be a bit sore). ♥

[ModHerc]

@crackerjack4u,

Oh no, and you took time to talk to me about a silly dream in the middle of all of it!  I agree with @ForgetMeNot150, if the numb face and runny nose persist you might want head to the ER.  Even if those get better you may want to make an appointment with your regular doctor to get everything checked.  Maybe for peace of mind about future falls and laying there for extended periods of time you could look into a medical alert system?

We certainly feel their absence so much more when we are hurt or sick.  Those meltdowns also add to our pain in the midst of it.  Saying they are with us in our hearts doesn’t do much at all when we need them to help pick us up and give us actual care.  I’m so sorry for your added grief on top of the injuries.  Big gentle hugs from me as well, and hopes for a speedy recovery,

Herc

[KayC]

On 12/7/2018 at 1:30 PM, crackerjack4u said:

I'm wondering if perhaps he's afraid I'll leave, and not return again like his daddy did?

My dog came with anxiety from the rescue I got him from, I can't leave him alone in the house or he's so nervous and scared I won't be back, but he's comfortable with his pen & yard, doghouse.  Trouble is, it gets too cold to leave him outside overnight this time of year so if I go to my son's, because I can't drive at night anymore, it's a short visit up and back with 5 1/2 hours driving and 3 1/2-4 hour visit in.  The girl who feeds Arlie is kind of young to leave alone in the house at night, so this has to work for now.

 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

I still managed to hurt my neck, my back, my right hand, my right arm, my right knee, and the 3rd and 4th toe on my left foot.

I'm so sorry!  I went through it 1 1/2 years ago and ended up with permanent damage to both knees and a couple of toes, I also broke one of the bones in my leg, tore a muscle in my neck, multiple bruises, etc.  I know how hard it can be to recover from such a fall!  I can no longer kneel as a result.  I did not realize my injuries were so serious at first, although I hurt everywhere and counted at least 13 separate injuries, so I gave it some time to heal before going to the doctor.  As a result, my doctor refused to treat me and my insurance will not cover anything to do with the injuries, long story, I didn't proceed as I should have.  You might do well to go to Emergency to begin with!

I hope your headache has subsided by now, I'm very sorry for this happening to you! 

 

[crackerjack4u]

@ForgetMeNot150 Thank you hun.  There is really nobody that I can contact to come here with me. Although I'm really sore and stiff about everywhere today, the headache is better and a lot less today, my face feels less numb, but my nose is still running which could be now being caused from all the crying I did during my meltdown and after last night, initially it was not because I hadn't cried at that time yet.

9 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

Being alone at times like this is horrible when you realise that the person that used to be there for you no matter what isn't there anymore. It just makes everything a million times worse.

 Yes it does hun, and I absolutely hate everything about it. Things were Not suppose to be this way.  Thank you again hun, and hugs to you too as well.

 

6 hours ago, Herc said:

Oh no, and you took time to talk to me about a silly dream in the middle of all of it!  I agree with @ForgetMeNot150, if the numb face and runny nose persist you might want head to the ER.  Even if those get better you may want to make an appointment with your regular doctor to get everything checked.  Maybe for peace of mind about future falls and laying there for extended periods of time you could look into a medical alert system?

@Herc In no way was your dream silly, it was something that was weighing heavy on your mind, and causing you undue stress which in turn made it important to you and to me, it was in no way silly. I'm glad I was there and able to talk to you about it like you have been here to talk to me about so many things that I've had issues with.  I haven't made it to your original post yet from last night, I'm heading there after I finish the comments here, but I hope you ended up getting some sleep finally last night.    

I have a couple of appts already scheduled next week (it was actually-(4)appts, but 2 of them got cancelled late Friday afternoon-those 2  were annual tests on my heart and carotid blockages.  The insurance has changed their guidelines, Again, to where you now have to have seen the doctor within the past 90 days before you can have any testing done. So now I get to pay a copay to go see the doctor before, pay the usual percent of copays for the testing, and pay another copay to go back to see the doctor afterwards to get my results, yippy that's all I need is to spend even more money on copays that I don't have. It's totally ridiculous, but is a topic for another time.   The other 2 appts next week are actually doctors appts, so I'll be sure to mention the fall to them.  If I get worse I will go to ER, but right now other than being really sore today and having a just a slight headache, and a slightly numb face, and runny nose I'm doing ok, I think.   I very well may have to check into a medical alert system because my feet, legs, back, and body issues that I already have causes me to be unstable and off balance most of the time, then add the critters getting under foot from time to time and it's a recipe for problems.  Who knows I might be the next person you guys see on the commercial saying, "Help, I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up."  

6 hours ago, Herc said:

We certainly feel their absence so much more when we are hurt or sick.  Those meltdowns also add to our pain in the midst of it.  Saying they are with us in our hearts doesn’t do much at all when we need them to help pick us up and give us actual care.

Yes we do. I didn't really realize that until just last night because that was the 1st thing that had actually happened like that to me, and then the Meltdown occurred.  Yes, having them in our hearts still is wonderful, but I agree there isn't much help that offers when we physically need them there with us.  Thank you Herc. Hugs to you too and I hope you too are having a better day today.  

5 hours ago, KayC said:

My dog came with anxiety from the rescue I got him from, I can't leave him alone in the house or he's so nervous and scared I won't be back, but he's comfortable with his pen & yard, doghouse.  Trouble is, it gets too cold to leave him outside overnight this time of year so if I go to my son's, because I can't drive at night anymore, it's a short visit up and back with 5 1/2 hours driving and 3 1/2-4 hour visit in.  The girl who feeds Arlie is kind of young to leave alone in the house at night, so this has to work for now.

 

@KayC  I'm glad you've at least found something that seems to help his anxiety when you need to be away from home. I might have t try a crate with Crazy Dog and see if it will help him any.   

I completely understand about the not being able to drive at night, I have night blindness caused by a sigmatism, and have never been able to drive at night.  At night the headlights coming towards me causes me to see 3 sets of headlights making it difficult to determine which one is the actual car-LOL my guess is that it is the one in the middle, but I also can't judge distances at night, so for safety reasons I just don't drive at night at all unless it is an emergency. 

My stigmatism also causes me to have sun sensitivity, but I'm able to correct that pretty well with either sunglasses, or the transitions on my prescription glasses and those allow me to be able to see well enough to drive during the day fairly well. (It seems that early morning driving East, and right at dusk are the hardest times during the day for me to be able to see).

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm so sorry!  I went through it 1 1/2 years ago and ended up with permanent damage to both knees and a couple of toes, I also broke one of the bones in my leg, tore a muscle in my neck, multiple bruises, etc.  I know how hard it can be to recover from such a fall!  I can no longer kneel as a result.  I did not realize my injuries were so serious at first, although I hurt everywhere and counted at least 13 separate injuries, so I gave it some time to heal before going to the doctor.  As a result, my doctor refused to treat me and my insurance will not cover anything to do with the injuries, long story, I didn't proceed as I should have.  You might do well to go to Emergency to begin with!

I hope your headache has subsided by now, I'm very sorry for this happening to you! 

Bless your heart hun it sounds like your fall really did a number on you.  I'm hoping mine is not nearly that serious.  I'm really sore, and stiff today, still have a slight headache, some slight numbness in my face, and my nose is still running, but I don't think anything is broken or torn in there. I think the headache, and face numbness was caused by the way I landed on my neck cause it hit first and it kind of flexed forward kind of like a whiplash type injury. As far as the nose running I haven't a clue what caused it, but I have appts next week so I'll let them know and if it gets worse in the mean time I'll go to ER or immediate care and have things checked out.   Thank you hun for your concern and friendship as always.  Hugs to you hun.      

 

[ModHerc]

@crackerjack4u,

I’m glad you're feeling a bit better.  Soaking in hot water and an ibuprofen really ease those aches and pains for me.  I hope you have some way to at least take a bit of the edge off the soreness and stiffness.

I hate those insurance company changes.  Just when you think you have a handle on how things work, they slip in more hidden charges and fewer treatment options.  My company moved us from blue cross/blue shield to Aetna around three years back, and Aetna has changed some pretty significant things every year since.  Fortunately I’m as healthy as a horse, so aside from one or two copays a year for a physical and maybe one trip for a cold or the flu it doesn’t hurt me too much, but I have a pretty sharp eye for it due to all the trips I made with Christine.  Wishing you plenty of rest and recovery,

Herc

[KayC]

18 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

I have night blindness caused by a sigmatism, and have never been able to drive at night

I get that!  I have Fuch's dystrophy of the corneas and it splinters my vision at night as well.  I went through eye therapy years ago to help with my left eye wandering out so I've learned to bring it back in...I was seeing double and didn't know which garage to head for!

I'm glad you'll see the doctor soon, just to be on the safe side.  I hope you start feeling better!  Try to rest and not do much.

[crackerjack4u]

11 hours ago, Herc said:

Soaking in hot water and an ibuprofen really ease those aches and pains for me.  I hope you have some way to at least take a bit of the edge off the soreness and stiffness.

Good morning Herc, I actually soaked in a hot bath just last night hoping it would help some, I also took my pain pills, muscle relaxers, and some Aleve afterwards, all that seemed to have loosened up the stiffness a little, but getting back out of the tub, especially with how sore and stiff I was, took some doing for sure lol. Although, I did finally manage to sleep pretty well last night for a change, so that in itself is a plus. I'm also not sure that a nap today isn't in the plans also    

Yes, the insurance companies seem to be forever changing for sure, and not for the better. On your 1 time cold and flu issue you really should try my Airborne-EmergenC combination (add, dissolve, and drink 1 effervescent Airborne Tablet-(I like the orange one) mixed with 1 pack Emergen-C-(Generic brands on the Airborne and Emergen-C works just as well as the brand name) in with 4-6 ounce of water at the very 1st sign that you are trying to get a cold or the flu- (Using It At The Very 1st Sign of it Is The Most Important Part otherwise it will help but won't stop it from hitting)-repeat at least twice the 1st day, and once or twice the 2nd and any days afterwards if needed, (usually the 1st day doses will do the trick though).  Also during the Winter months you can also use this routinely 1-2x's weekly, either way will prevent you from getting sick at all if used either at the 1st sign of, or routinely because it works so wonderfully.   Knock on Wood, this little discovery kept both Dave and myself free of both a cold or the flu for 5 years now. You should give it a try cause I promise you won't be sorry.  I hope you have a nice day.  

PS-My daughter, her hubby, and my grands just recently moved from Maryland where he was stationed in the service. I'm glad to have them a lot closer to home now.   

[crackerjack4u]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I get that!  I have Fuch's dystrophy of the corneas and it splinters my vision at night as well.  I went through eye therapy years ago to help with my left eye wandering out so I've learned to bring it back in...I was seeing double and didn't know which garage to head for!

I'm glad you'll see the doctor soon, just to be on the safe side.  I hope you start feeling better!  Try to rest and not do much.

Yes, anything like that can certainly cause an issue, especially at night where your eyes tend to play tricks on you anyway.  When Dave and I first got together he just wasn't taking care of himself at all.  He was one who would just Not go to the doctor, but I kind of forced him to go. He found out at his 1st visit that his A1C was 14. He also had issues with his eyes because his blood sugars were so high, so I got him into an eye specialist- He had Diabetic Retinopathy and was actually bleeding behind both his eyes-which required either surgery, or injections every 3 months, so, of course, he couldn't drive at night either.

The eye doctor told him if he didn't get his diabetes under control that he's be completely blind in a year, and even if he did get them under control he'd probably be completely blind in 3-5 yrs anyway.  He worked hard, and between the 2 of us, him doing the work, and me adjusting his insulin every single dosage, 6x's a day, depending on if he was nauseous, or vomiting, or depending on what he was going to eat afterwards, etc. he actually got his A1C down to 5.4, his primary doctor said he'd never seen anyone have such a tight control on his diabetes.

The eye doctor managed to get him about another 7 years on his vision between what Dave and I were doing at home, and what the eye doctor was doing in the office. Even when he passed away, he could still see some, but couldn't make out faces of people who were right there beside him, or see very well the 40" TV magnified to 250%, that he was then using as his computer monitor, etc. so he used a lot of the Ease of Access things in the computer to help him, or would call me in there to set things for him, etc. I think when he started losing his vision which was gradual, but consistent very early on, and he had to give up so many things that he enjoyed doing was what started him declining, and causing his health to deteriorate because he, understandably, became so anxious and depressed from that time on.  Then when the lung cancer hit he went further down, and then when the sarcoma hit there was just no pulling him back from that.  

People don't always realize how important their vision is, and how losing it can effect so many aspects of their life, so it needs to be protected at all costs, when possible.   It's one of those things I think most of us tend to take for granted, until we don't have it anymore. Hugs to you hun.  I hope your day is a good one.  

PS-This part is completely unrelated to the above stuff, but is in relation to the conversation we had the other day regarding the phrase "New Normal"  I read something after our conversation that I'd like to share with you (paraphrasing) It said something to the effect that "Normal" is merely a setting on the washing machine, and not related to humans.       

[linda Benson]

Your message caught my eye because of the similarities.  My husband Laylen Passed on October 26, 2018.  He was my soul mate and the love of my life.  We were married 44 years.  We have been together since I was 13 years old.  I am lost without him.  He was ill for a long time before he passed.  Its now December 10,2018, I am numb and terrified of the future.

[crackerjack4u]

1 hour ago, linda Benson said:

Your message caught my eye because of the similarities.  My husband Laylen Passed on October 26, 2018.  He was my soul mate and the love of my life.  We were married 44 years.  We have been together since I was 13 years old.  I am lost without him.  He was ill for a long time before he passed.  Its now December 10,2018, I am numb and terrified of the future.

@linda Benson I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart breaks for you.  Losing the love of your life and your soul mate is so very hard, I can't even imagine after being together 44 years, and from such a young age, how difficult this is on you.  44 years is a long time and I'm sure you 2 made many beautiful memories during your time together. It is the love that you 2 shared, and those beautiful memories that will help pull you through each day.  I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this at all. When we lose the person that is most precious in our life it leaves us with so many emotions all occurring at the same time, along with many unanswered questions, and leaves us scared of what the future holds for us without them in it because we saw them as our life, and as our future, and without them it leaves us so lost, confused, angry, sad, and scared.  

Please know that you are Not alone though, I am here for you, as is an entire forum of wonderful people who are going through their similar journeys, some are just starting their journeys like you and I are, and some have been on their journey for many years, but they understand, maybe not exactly what you or I are going through as everyone's grief is unique, but they understand how difficult the pain and grief is from losing their spouse or partner too.  Many of them can offer support in the form of letting us know what has helped them on there journey, which I have found several of those things they've shared is also helping me on mine as well.  This forum and the people here have been a true blessing to me, as I hope they are to you as well.  They have helped pull me through some very rough days, and nights already.  

I'm here if you want to talk.  You can message me on this thread, or start a thread of your own if you want to and I'll find you there, or send me a private message if you feel more comfortable doing that.  Again, please know that you are not alone, and myself, and others here on this forum will do anything we can to help you on your journey, and we can all walk hand in hand through this together, one day at a time.   Prayers for strength and peace for you, linda.  I am truly sorry for your loss hun.    

[ModHerc]

@linda Benson,

I am so sorry for you and Laylen.  This grief journey is certainly terrifying.  Trying to figure out who and what I was and would become without my wife certainly left me feeling numb and lost as well.  My wife was ill for the entire time I knew her, so I also relate to the struggles I know you had to face as a caregiver for him.  Wishing you all the peace and comfort you can find today,

Herc

[KayC]

On 12/10/2018 at 9:18 AM, crackerjack4u said:

He found out at his 1st visit that his A1C was 14.

Wow!  I've never heard of anyone that high!  I thought 7.2 was bad!  My aunt's first notification of her Diabetes was going blind...completely blind, she's been like that for years now.  It's on both sides of the family.

On 12/10/2018 at 10:13 PM, linda Benson said:

Your message caught my eye because of the similarities.  My husband Laylen Passed on October 26, 2018.  He was my soul mate and the love of my life.  We were married 44 years.  We have been together since I was 13 years old.  I am lost without him.  He was ill for a long time before he passed.  Its now December 10,2018, I am numb and terrified of the future.

Linda, you and I are practically neighbors!  I live up the mountain from Oakridge, what part of Eugene are you in?  I grew up on 520 E. 31st between Willamette and Hilyard.  It sounds like you're close to my age, I'm 66, went to SEHS and Spencer Butte.

I lead a grief support group and recently we had a session on "what I would tell my newly grieving self".  One of the things I said was, "Do not be afraid."  I've learned much in the last 13 years since my husband died, and I wrote a list of tips that I've learned that has helped me...I hope even one of them helps you. (Incidentally, your statement on LinkedIn is amazingly what it takes to make your way through grief...resilience is key.  It takes much time to adjust, be patient,you will get there.  Much hugs!)

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[crackerjack4u]

On ‎12‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 10:15 AM, KayC said:

Wow!  I've never heard of anyone that high!  I thought 7.2 was bad!  My aunt's first notification of her Diabetes was going blind...completely blind, she's been like that for years now.  It's on both sides of the family.

Yes we too thought the 14 A1C was high, as it was the highest one I had ever seen, UNTIL this past year and Dave's daughter had hers checked, and her A1C was 18.   

On ‎12‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 10:15 AM, KayC said:

Linda, you and I are practically neighbors!  I live up the mountain from Oakridge, what part of Eugene are you in?  I grew up on 520 E. 31st between Willamette and Hilyard.  It sounds like you're close to my age, I'm 66, went to SEHS and Spencer Butte.

I lead a grief support group and recently we had a session on "what I would tell my newly grieving self".  One of the things I said was, "Do not be afraid."  I've learned much in the last 13 years since my husband died, and I wrote a list of tips that I've learned that has helped me...I hope even one of them helps you. (Incidentally, your statement on LinkedIn is amazingly what it takes to make your way through grief...resilience is key.  It takes much time to adjust, be patient,you will get there.  Much hugs!)

That's wonderful KayC that you and Linda live close to each other.  I'm sure your list will most likely help her as much as it has me.  Also perhaps she is close enough to start attending your support group?  Keeping my fingers crossed that she shows back up in the near future to receive all this helpful info.  Have a great day!!

PS- For all of you who have been concerned about me staying here alone, especially after my fall etc., my niece actually started staying here with me 2 days ago. She was having some issues and needed a place to stay for while so I told her she could come here.  She's only needing someplace to stay temporarily, but for now, I'm enjoying having some company, and someone to talk to, and she's able to do what she needs to while staying here, so it's a win-win for both of us.  Thank you all for your concern and for watching out for me. Hugs to you All. You're all wonderful people that I consider my friends :). 

[linda Benson]

On ‎12‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 5:00 AM, Herc said:

@linda Benson,

I am so sorry for you and Laylen.  This grief journey is certainly terrifying.  Trying to figure out who and what I was and would become without my wife certainly left me feeling numb and lost as well.  My wife was ill for the entire time I knew her, so I also relate to the struggles I know you had to face as a caregiver for him.  Wishing you all the peace and comfort you can find today,

Herc

Thank you, Sorry it took so long for me to respond.  Unfortunately, the circumstances of my husbands death has left me little time to grieve.  I knew this was coming because of the choice I made to take care of him until the end.  To take care of my husband and to keep the medical benefits he had, I had to shut down our business and become his full time care taker.  Unfortunately, I was unpaid and not eligible for any benefits etc.  Any money we had went to medical bills a long time ago.  When he passed all his disability benefits stopped on the first of the month  of the month he passed in leaving me owing money.  Ironically, even though OR is not a community property state and the medical bills were in his name I am still legally responsible for all of them.  Due to his long term illness there was no life insurance.  I do have a education (which I am still paying for ) and kept my foot in the door professionally knowing this day would come.  But the day my husband died I had to begin submitting resumes and find work.  I am to old to be young and to young to be old.  The competition has been fierce. My daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren have been wonderful but, they have their own lives, work , and personal obligations.  I get so tired.  In addition I still have to figure out my own widowed mothers care and maintain the house.  Have you ever mowed the lawn in December because 30 days after your spouses death the insurance company decided to not renew because of the leaves etc. in your yard.  Sorry folks, I was in intensive care with my husband when Fall came and my husband did not want me to clean his shop because he felt like everything was being taken away from him.  Sorry if I sound flustered and angry, I loved my husband with all my heart and would change nothing for the time we had together and take responsibility for my choices but, I am angry at the circumstances and am venting to keep moving forward when all I really wish to do is curl up in a ball and disappear.     Thank you again for your thoughts, Linda

[linda Benson]

On ‎12‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 8:15 AM, KayC said:

Wow!  I've never heard of anyone that high!  I thought 7.2 was bad!  My aunt's first notification of her Diabetes was going blind...completely blind, she's been like that for years now.  It's on both sides of the family.

Linda, you and I are practically neighbors!  I live up the mountain from Oakridge, what part of Eugene are you in?  I grew up on 520 E. 31st between Willamette and Hilyard.  It sounds like you're close to my age, I'm 66, went to SEHS and Spencer Butte.

I lead a grief support group and recently we had a session on "what I would tell my newly grieving self".  One of the things I said was, "Do not be afraid."  I've learned much in the last 13 years since my husband died, and I wrote a list of tips that I've learned that has helped me...I hope even one of them helps you. (Incidentally, your statement on LinkedIn is amazingly what it takes to make your way through grief...resilience is key.  It takes much time to adjust, be patient,you will get there.  Much hugs!)

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

KC thank you for the information.  It is very helpful reminder. I have been doing grief and loss for first responders to keep my foot in the professional door while my husband was critical.  Its funny how one may know the steps by rote but when it happens you have so much trouble holding on to your knowledge and presence.  A quote from training "even a therapist needs a therapist".  I live in Santa Clara.  Lived her for 30 plus years.  My Dad and lovely Step Mom live in Oakridge.  I graduated from North Eugene High School, Through a program associated with LCC, Then attended LCC and went on to the University.  Keep in mind I Graduated HS at 13.  Laylen and I were married in Lane co. and yes, it was legal back then with parental consent.  (mother, father would have had a heart attack and was doing sea duty ) times change.  I was on my own before we married.  I ran a construction company in Eugene for a couple of decades before Laylens Illness progressed.  My biggest problem is so little time to grieve.  I had to start looking for employment the day he died.  I was left with a lot of medical bills, household expenses, and no money or insurance.  The way it works you must pay back the full months disability benefits for the month of death so, the bills paid on the first were paid with money that had to be returned because he passed on the 26th of the month.  I am to young to receive any death benefits.  Like it or not bills were due November 1st.  There are family members who complain that I did not have a huge funeral etc. That is not what my husband wanted and his concern would be my survival.  It is not his fault he could do nothing to protect me, I know he would say that I am strong and resilient and would want me focused on survival.  My husband was a soldier first and he would say to stay focused on a clear mission.  (his Illness was genetic, not military connected).  I try to allow myself time to write and grieve daily. Ito close each day I find 3 things I am grateful for. You can find me on LinkedIn Under Linda Benson Consultants RA.  I have however, found that screaming , crying, and banging on shower wall can be very therapeutic   I always feel so much better and no one has to deal with my moods.  Thank you again, Linda. 

[linda Benson]

On ‎12‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 12:59 AM, crackerjack4u said:

@linda Benson I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart breaks for you.  Losing the love of your life and your soul mate is so very hard, I can't even imagine after being together 44 years, and from such a young age, how difficult this is on you.  44 years is a long time and I'm sure you 2 made many beautiful memories during your time together. It is the love that you 2 shared, and those beautiful memories that will help pull you through each day.  I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this at all. When we lose the person that is most precious in our life it leaves us with so many emotions all occurring at the same time, along with many unanswered questions, and leaves us scared of what the future holds for us without them in it because we saw them as our life, and as our future, and without them it leaves us so lost, confused, angry, sad, and scared.  

Please know that you are Not alone though, I am here for you, as is an entire forum of wonderful people who are going through their similar journeys, some are just starting their journeys like you and I are, and some have been on their journey for many years, but they understand, maybe not exactly what you or I are going through as everyone's grief is unique, but they understand how difficult the pain and grief is from losing their spouse or partner too.  Many of them can offer support in the form of letting us know what has helped them on there journey, which I have found several of those things they've shared is also helping me on mine as well.  This forum and the people here have been a true blessing to me, as I hope they are to you as well.  They have helped pull me through some very rough days, and nights already.  

I'm here if you want to talk.  You can message me on this thread, or start a thread of your own if you want to and I'll find you there, or send me a private message if you feel more comfortable doing that.  Again, please know that you are not alone, and myself, and others here on this forum will do anything we can to help you on your journey, and we can all walk hand in hand through this together, one day at a time.   Prayers for strength and peace for you, linda.  I am truly sorry for your loss hun.    

Thank you for your words and thoughts.  You are so right. It is the memories that keep me going.   Lately, with all on my plate I have tried to think of three things I am grateful for each day (not always easy) I have added one memory that I am grateful for post my husbands illness.  It helps me remember why I made the choices I did. It reminds me that no matter how tough things get. I stand by those choices and have no regrets. In the depths of pain when in a moment of clarity my husband reached out to me and pulled me close and just made eye contact with all the thoughts he was no longer able to say I will forever be grateful.  Bless you all for this forum.  Being new, I am trying to figure out how to open my own thread. Please find me there.  Thanks again, Linda.

[linda Benson]

On ‎12‎/‎9‎/‎2018 at 2:43 AM, crackerjack4u said:

Well folks, I had a pretty significant fall tonight about 9:30 pm, which in turn lead straight into a meltdown. (So apparently I can add Falls as yet one more trigger to my meltdowns).   I was at the top of the steps in the critter room swatting a gnat with a fly swatter when my cat got underneath my feet causing me to lose my balance, and fall off the steps backwards.  Luckily my back was towards the dog beds when it happened,  and I landed on them-(there not that soft and there is a steel bar between the 2 beds) but landing on it was better than nothing.  If I'd fallen the opposite direction I would have landed on the tile floor that has concrete under it, and could have been hurt much worse, or killed. 

I still managed to hurt my neck, my back, my right hand, my right arm, my right knee, and the 3rd and 4th toe on my left foot. (Most of which were already messed up anyway, so I just added to it).  After I hit, I got an immediate blow top headache, both sides of my face went numb, and my nose started running- the nose running actually scared me the most because I thought it could be cerebral spinal fluid leaking from the impact because my nose was not running at all prior to the fall.  

Anyway, I'm still here so maybe it isn't CSF leaking, but my nose is still running even now, both sides of my face are still numb, and I still have a horrible headache, plus I'm now so sore everywhere that I can barely move. I considered going to ER after it happened, but then decided not to. 

The Meltdown-After I got up, and realized I had fallen, Again, and hurt several areas I completely lost it, and started to cry uncontrollably. I wasn't crying because I had fallen, or because it scared me, or even because I was hurt,  I was crying because I was both very sad, and very angry because my David wasn't here with me. I realized immediately, at that moment,  just how all alone I really am here at home. 

I've had falls before, so if I'd go outside or in the basement or wherever and be gone too long, David would always come check on me to make sure I hadn't fallen.  When I have fallen in the past David was always here when it happened, and he'd either hear me hit the floor or hear me hit whatever I'd land on, and he'd come running to check on me, or if he didn't hear me fall, I'd always tell him what had happened, where I'd hit on my body, and anything that he needed to watch out for incase it became an emergency. (My fall prior to this one resulted in a softball size knot on the back of my head, and 2 black eyes from the back of my head hitting the steps when I fell). But I realized tonight that I'm all alone now, I don't have my David to check on me, or watch over me anymore, so I could fall and lay there for days badly hurt, or die, and no one would even know.  Things weren't suppose to end up this way, not this way at all. Lord, I miss my David so much.       

Oh, I am so sorry.  I understand the realization that you are truly alone,  The other night one minute I was fine and the next I was light headed, sweaty, and shaking.  I went to get up and fell back down, I am diabetic, I took my blood sugar and realized I was at 54. I was alone in the house, I have been sleeping on Laylens side of the bed since he passed. I knocked things off his end table trying to get up.  I found his chocolate stash !!  I know that's not the way your supposed to do it but desperate is desperate.  I ate every single last bit of his stash until my blood sugar registered at 80.  Thank you husband for being so sneaky I am usually so careful, I am not really even sure what happened.  My Dr. said it could be related to stress.  It was the next day after talking to the Dr. that I had my melt-down.  The reality of being alone just suddenly hit me.  I had to pull over to the road side and scream and cry it out.  Lord knows what all the poor people passing by must have thought.  I probably scared small children Its funny, I spent so much time figuring out safety back-ups for Laylen and never really thought about mine.  I have the medic cert, the CPR cert, The AED cert, The blood cert, etc. but had no one to help me because I could not reach a phone.  After Laylen Passed all the emergency and emergency communication equipment was picked up by the companies. It never even occurred to me that I might need it.  How do you plan to be alone? There must be a check list some where. There seems to be a check list for everything.  Do you keep a phone at the top and bottom of the stairs? I miss Laylen so much, even at his sickest I never felt alone.  Bless you and be safe. Heal soon and thank you for sharing.  Linda.

  

[foreverhis]

On 12/9/2018 at 2:43 AM, crackerjack4u said:

 I realized immediately, at that moment,  just how all alone I really am here at home. 

I'm checking in with you to see how you are feeling.  Please, please don't take this fall lightly.  Even if you are feeling better, you may have injured yourself more than you think.  Everyone here says we have to take care of ourselves, so I'm saying it to you.

We seem to have much in common.  My illness affects my balance and depth perception, as well as few other things.  I've had falls and bumps, but never a really severe injury (knock on wood and all that).  What happened to you made me think about that again.  My love was always here if I stumbled or fell.  A few weeks ago, I had to change out a light fixture on the stairway.  I got rope from the garage.  Then I tied the step ladder to the railings and tied my waist to the railings as well.  I figured if I fell, at least it wouldn't be down the stairs.  When I told our daughter I had changed the light, I could hear her breathe sharply, so I added in how I'd managed it.  When she could breathe again, she said it was a good thing because she was afraid for me and because her dad was always really safety conscious.  It hit me then that I didn't know what I'd do if I took a really bad fall.

It's no wonder you had a massive meltdown.  Injured, in pain, frustrated, and hit upside the head (basically literally) with just what you've lost.  I'm sorry and hope at least you are better physically.  But again, please don't let a head and neck injury go.  They can sneak up on you later. 

Take care of yourself.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, linda Benson said:

my husband did not want me to clean his shop because he felt like everything was being taken away from him.

Once again I am stunned to basically see my own thoughts mirrored back to me.  My husband was in the middle of rearranging his entire shop because he was finishing, working on, or starting new projects and needed to have things organized.  Everything is kind of everywhere, though some is organized by project.  It's hard for me to go in there to find things.  Sometimes I just stare at it feeling lost.

My sweetie too felt like he was losing control over his life, bit by bit.  My sister-in-law works with an Alzheimer's support group and told me that when smart, independent, strong (read: stubborn) people feel like control over their own lives is being taken from them, they can lash out in unexpected ways.  She also told me that they generally get upset with the person closest to them, us, because deep down they know we will most easily forgive them and that we will understand and love them.

I don't know how much it affected your husband, but I've learned that it is not at all unusual to feel that way.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, linda Benson said:

KC thank you for the information.  It is very helpful reminder. I have been doing grief and loss for first responders to keep my foot in the professional door while my husband was critical.  Its funny how one may know the steps by rote but when it happens you have so much trouble holding on to your knowledge and presence.  A quote from training "even a therapist needs a therapist".  I live in Santa Clara.  Lived her for 30 plus years.  My Dad and lovely Step Mom live in Oakridge.  I graduated from North Eugene High School, Through a program associated with LCC, Then attended LCC and went on to the University.  Keep in mind I Graduated HS at 13.  Laylen and I were married in Lane co. and yes, it was legal back then with parental consent.  (mother, father would have had a heart attack and was doing sea duty ) times change.  I was on my own before we married.  I ran a construction company in Eugene for a couple of decades before Laylens Illness progressed.  My biggest problem is so little time to grieve.  I had to start looking for employment the day he died.  I was left with a lot of medical bills, household expenses, and no money or insurance.  The way it works you must pay back the full months disability benefits for the month of death so, the bills paid on the first were paid with money that had to be returned because he passed on the 26th of the month.  I am to young to receive any death benefits.  Like it or not bills were due November 1st.  There are family members who complain that I did not have a huge funeral etc. That is not what my husband wanted and his concern would be my survival.  It is not his fault he could do nothing to protect me, I know he would say that I am strong and resilient and would want me focused on survival.  My husband was a soldier first and he would say to stay focused on a clear mission.  (his Illness was genetic, not military connected).  I try to allow myself time to write and grieve daily. Ito close each day I find 3 things I am grateful for. You can find me on LinkedIn Under Linda Benson Consultants RA.  I have however, found that screaming , crying, and banging on shower wall can be very therapeutic   I always feel so much better and no one has to deal with my moods.  Thank you again, Linda. 

Wow, you graduated HS at 13?!  Were you a child prodigy or something?  My son is a genius but they kept him in school at accelerated pace, he wasn't mainstreamed with his age but working ahead in independent study, still he had contact with his peers through lunch, sports, occasional classes.  I'm curious if I know your dad and stepmom, I've lived here for 41+ years.  I lived in Santa Clara for five years...my great grandfather had 100 acres out River Rd area but passed onto his children and lost in the depression.  My mom had a street named after her Yvonne St. and my aunt Susan St and other aunt Miriam St, all near Sierra Oaks Dementia care where my mom passed away not more than two blocks from where she grew up.  My gr-grandfather founded Veneta, it was named for his youngest daughter and Hunter Rd named for him.  Fern Ridge and school were named after my grandmother, so I have a lot of history here.  My grandpa said we were related to Lawrence Hills also,pioneer of Oakridge, his cabin is at Greenwaters Park.  

Enough family history, interesting we come from similar roots.  Do you still have the construction company or did you sell it when he became ill?  Gosh, and I've been retired for five years!  I wasn't planning to so young but it was the recession...I lost my job three times after George died and I found there really IS age discrimination.  I spent 45 years doing office management and bookkeeping but people wanted youngsters right out of college...I could TEACH them!  Anyway, I'm enjoying retirement, volunteering at the senior site and doing books for my church, also on the praise team (music), lots of women's groups, small groups so I get a mix of time with people and solitude in the evenings with my furry family.

I too am Diabetic, gosh, half the country is now!  I know when I start to feel weird, to check my blood sugar and keep something in my refrigerator just in case.  George was a Diabetic, and I always took care of him, watched over what he ate, but now that I'm one, it's just me to take care of myself.  I think that's one of the things that hits us, is we're alone in what we go through.  I hope you followed the chocolate with some protein to stabilize your BS so it wouldn't spike and drop.  I always keep chocolate and nuts/peanut butter on hand.

I loved your statement on LinkedIn.  It's funny we can know all this stuff professionally (resilience, etc.) and it sounds like that's your profession, but then when it comes to going through it (grieving) it's a whole new ball game!  Like you have all the information in your head but now living it in your heart is something else.  I think it's Sunflower here that's a therapist, she found the same thing I'm sure.  It's like you know this, but now you REALLY know it!

 

 

 

[crackerjack4u]

On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 8:50 PM, linda Benson said:

Thank you for your words and thoughts.  You are so right. It is the memories that keep me going.   Lately, with all on my plate I have tried to think of three things I am grateful for each day (not always easy) I have added one memory that I am grateful for post my husbands illness.  It helps me remember why I made the choices I did. It reminds me that no matter how tough things get. I stand by those choices and have no regrets. In the depths of pain when in a moment of clarity my husband reached out to me and pulled me close and just made eye contact with all the thoughts he was no longer able to say I will forever be grateful.  Bless you all for this forum.  Being new, I am trying to figure out how to open my own thread. Please find me there.  Thanks again, Linda.

@linda Benson Hi Linda, and thank you.  Yes those memories are so important to help keep us going on days when we feel like we just can't go any more. So hang on to them, treasure them, hold them close, and let them help lead you.  I will help walk you through setting up a thread when you get ready, but until then you are more than welcome to hang out right here with me for as long as you would like.    

23 hours ago, linda Benson said:

Oh, I am so sorry.  I understand the realization that you are truly alone,  The other night one minute I was fine and the next I was light headed, sweaty, and shaking.  I went to get up and fell back down, I am diabetic, I took my blood sugar and realized I was at 54. I was alone in the house, I have been sleeping on Laylens side of the bed since he passed. I knocked things off his end table trying to get up.  I found his chocolate stash !!  I know that's not the way your supposed to do it but desperate is desperate.  I ate every single last bit of his stash until my blood sugar registered at 80.  Thank you husband for being so sneaky I am usually so careful, I am not really even sure what happened.  My Dr. said it could be related to stress.  It was the next day after talking to the Dr. that I had my melt-down.  The reality of being alone just suddenly hit me.  I had to pull over to the road side and scream and cry it out.  Lord knows what all the poor people passing by must have thought.  I probably scared small children Its funny, I spent so much time figuring out safety back-ups for Laylen and never really thought about mine.  I have the medic cert, the CPR cert, The AED cert, The blood cert, etc. but had no one to help me because I could not reach a phone.  After Laylen Passed all the emergency and emergency communication equipment was picked up by the companies. It never even occurred to me that I might need it.  How do you plan to be alone? There must be a check list some where. There seems to be a check list for everything.  Do you keep a phone at the top and bottom of the stairs? I miss Laylen so much, even at his sickest I never felt alone.  Bless you and be safe. Heal soon and thank you for sharing.  Linda.

  

Bless your heart hun. I'm glad you found your dear husband's chocolate stash. 

My hubby was a diabetic too, and I've seen what those low blood sugars can do to a person. I also have a dear friend whose husband is a trucker so he's gone a lot.  She is a very brittle diabetic and one minute she might be 300 and the next 38.  She has passed out twice while her husband was out on the road, and ended up in the hospital with no idea of her even calling 911. Her husband was home a few weeks back, and he was woke up by her having a seizure because her blood sugar had dropped so low.  With you all talking about having the knowledge and know how on things but not remembering them when things occur in your own life is exactly what happened that night with him.  He called 911, checked her blood sugar before the ambulance arrived and was aware that her blood sugar was low, But it never dawned on him at the time it was going on to use the Glucagon pen that she had available there. Thankfully they got her to the hospital on time and got her sugar back up, but it's so easy to forget important things when in the mist of an illness, an emergency, or while grieving.   So please be sure in all the grief, chaos, confusion, and busy schedule to remember to take care of You in the process.  It sounds like you too might need to consider a medic alert system if low blood sugars are something that occurs often.  I really do hope that you find the time to be able to grieve too hun, as grieving is such an important part of healing, and being able to eventually move forward.

I can relate to the having to pull over and scream and cry, and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  I've had several of those screaming and crying episodes myself, and often times they seem to come on suddenly without warning, and something you wouldn't even think that would trigger them, Will.  

Wouldn't a checklist be wonderful for all of us who are grieving.  I don't think it would help the pain much, but at least we'd have a step by step to help get us through the days/nights that we seem to be going in a continuous circle of confusion.    

Nope, no phone at the top or the bottom of the steps, but it sounds like I might have to put one at both places lol.     

I'm sure you do miss him hun, and I understand what you mean by "even at his sickest I never felt alone"  just them being with us, and them being present in the same house, even though they were so very ill, still made us feel safe, secure, and complete.  

@foreverhis Thank you hun for checking on me I appreciate it.  You too need to be very careful doing things around the house because those balance problems, added to the perception problems can sure cause some issues when least expected.    

Everything with me, except my neck, seems to be pretty much back to "normal", lol whatever normal is.  I've been having some issues with it, and it clicks every time I turn my head it's not really painful, but very aggravating.  I did tell the Dr. on Friday about the fall and where all I was hurting afterwards, but he didn't seem too concerned about it.  LOL he probably figures my body is already broken everywhere, so there's not too much more damage I can do to it.  Hopefully my neck click is something the chiropractor can get back into alignment so it will stop, but if not I might have to have it investigated further.

Hugs to you ALL.     

[KayC]

I hope you find out what the clicking is and get it straightened out.  Chiropractors scare me, they can help or hurt, I've heard testimonies of both.  George went to one, he helped him with his back, the insurance wouldn't cover it but he did what the doctor didn't accomplish.  If it doesn't hurt, I'm sure it's more annoying than anything!

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

Thank you hun for checking on me I appreciate it.  You too need to be very careful doing things around the house because those balance problems, added to the perception problems can sure cause some issues when least expected.  

Boy, ain't that the truth?  It's really irritating and frustrating.  I have had a bad habit of basically "zipping" up and down the stairs.  My hubby took to chiding me as one would a child, "Careful on the stairs. Slow down. Hold the railing."  I always hold the railing, but the truth is that I needed that nagging about rushing sometimes.  We have wood stairs, so the house rule is no socks on the stairs unless they have those non-skid bottoms.  One time when our nephew was about 7 or 8, he wore socks coming down the stairs and sure enough, he slipped onto his bottom and skidded down two stairs.  Thank goodness it was just two stairs and he didn't hit his head.  He sat there for a minute and started crying.  I asked if he was okay and then asked, "What did you do?"  He sobbed out, "I...wore...socks...on...the...stairs!"  After that, he became the sock master and would scold anyone who even tried to walk on the stairs wearing socks, including me one time.

I promise to be careful doing things around the house.  My sweetie would be really irked if I injured myself seriously through carelessness.

I'm glad you talked to your dr. about your neck.  If it doesn't improve, you might need an x-ray just to make sure it's not serious. 

Take care of yourself and let us know how you are feeling.