My beautiful Hubby passed away on October 24th 2018, and life will never be the same again

[crackerjack4u]

My sweet hubby passed away on October 24th 2018.  I had another post on here that somehow got accidently deleted, and I don't know if I'll get it back on here or not so I decide to just do an new one. 

My hubby, his name was David, was the love of my life, my world, and my everything.  He battled lung cancer for about 2 yrs, and was doing well kicking lung cancer's butt.  On Aug 24th 2018 I took him to ER with unrelieved pain where they found 2 large masses 4+cm each (one on each of his adrenal glands), and 2 enlarged lymph nodes, that was the beginning of a nightmare that I still can't wake up from. He was in the hospital twice at the end of August.  They suspected lung cancer metastasis with lymph node involvement- (but we suspected it was Not because of all the tests he'd had just a couple months before), but what they eventually found-(8 days shy of 2 very long months later, while my dear hubby was rapidly deteriorating the entire time) was far worse than either of us could have imagined. 

The biopsy was done quickly after his ER visit, and hospital stays, but they couldn't figure out exactly what it was he had, in order for any treatment to begin.  They did determine early on that it was Not lung cancer metastasis, and all tests were leaning towards Sarcoma, but they weren't sure which one yet. They eventually ran out of tissue to do further testing, and wanted an entire lymph node instead of just a needle biopsy which my husband, and the surgeon quickly supplied them with.  

On October 16th 2018 I took my huny to the Oncologist to get him some IV fluids because he just couldn't keep anything down, and he had already lost so much weight because of it.  That day we received the dreaded diagnoses of Epithelioid Angiosarcoma. The doctor said that his was already at a high grade level, and that there were no treatment options available to him because it had already spread everywhere within my precious hubby's body in just a very short period of time. 

His doctor said the disease is very rare (just over 500 diagnosed cases), very aggressive-(which we were well aware of just how aggressive), and at a high grade level has a very poor prognosis.  He referred my hubby to Hospice that same day, as well.  After the referral my hubby's condition continued to rapidly decline like it had done for the past 2 months prior, and 8 days later, on October 24th, 2018 @ 10:45AM the love of my life, while being held in my arms, closed his beautiful brown eyes for the last time.  

It has been exactly 1 week since he passed away, and this has been the worse week of my entire life not having him here with me. I miss him soooo much every second of the day.  I can't imagine having to spend the rest of my life without him in it.  The only thing right now that is giving me enough strength to even attempt to keep moving forward is knowing that one day I will see my beautiful David again. I am counting down the days until we can be together again.  RIP My Love.  I Love and miss you soooo much.      

[KayC]

crackerjack4u,

I am so sorry about your thread being deleted, I'm sure it was a computer gliche or something but I'm very glad you're still here with us.  It's horrible that your first post is gone, but you've done a good job of re-creating it.

At one week out it was hard for me to even think.  I was in shock, definitely in a grief fog for a long time!  

Are you going to have a funeral?  I hope you have someone with you and aren't going through these early days alone.  I had my daughter in the early months, she was wonderful, I could not have made it without her, also my sister came and helped her make phone calls.  The phone rang off the hook, it was hard.  A year after, I ran across the cards everyone sent, I didn't even remember getting them, so it was good to read them again.

We'll be here to walk with you on this journey as long as you want us to.  That's the good thing about this place, we "get it", we've been there.  Everyone's situation is unique, but there's commonalities too.  (((hugs)))

[crackerjack4u]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

crackerjack4u,

I am so sorry about your thread being deleted, I'm sure it was a computer gliche or something but I'm very glad you're still here with us.  It's horrible that your first post is gone, but you've done a good job of re-creating it.

At one week out it was hard for me to even think.  I was in shock, definitely in a grief fog for a long time!  

Are you going to have a funeral?  I hope you have someone with you and aren't going through these early days alone.  I had my daughter in the early months, she was wonderful, I could not have made it without her, also my sister came and helped her make phone calls.  The phone rang off the hook, it was hard.  A year after, I ran across the cards everyone sent, I didn't even remember getting them, so it was good to read them again.

We'll be here to walk with you on this journey as long as you want us to.  That's the good thing about this place, we "get it", we've been there.  Everyone's situation is unique, but there's commonalities too.  (((hugs)))

Thank you KayC.  The moderators are searching for the old thread, and I got an email saying here it is, but it wasn't it was the new one instead. :(. 

We are doing a Memorial on Nov 10th in the small town that he was from because that's the earliest we could get the center that it will be held in.  It's easier for us-(me and him) to go to them then all of them having to come to us.  

I have no one here with me, it's just me, my huny in his urn, and our fur babies here.  My daughter's hubby is military, they have 3 small children, and they live in a different State, my sister is about 3000 miles away and her and her hubby are both in poor health too.

It's been pretty much me and him against the world the entire time, so I wouldn't expect anything to be any different now. (My sis-in-law, and several friends call to check on me, but otherwise I don't see anyone.  I had to literally beg people to come here with me the night before he passed away because I was afraid he was going to pass away that night, and I didn't want to be here alone when he did.  They came but left at midnight, and he passed away the next morning in my arms with just me and him here.  It is what it is I suppose.  Hugs to you too hun.   

[KayC]

I had my daughter at first, then she returned to her life and I was on my own.  All of my friends disappeared, my two best friends didn't even bother going to his funeral.  I made a new bestie but she moved a few years ago to remarry and I really haven't had a friend as close since, although I continue working on building relationships.  Seems to be harder the older we get, everyone already has theirs in place!

\I'm sorry you are so alone.  Have you considered going to a grief support group in time?  Grief counseling can be of help too.  

 

[crackerjack4u]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I had my daughter at first, then she returned to her life and I was on my own.  All of my friends disappeared, my two best friends didn't even bother going to his funeral.  I made a new bestie but she moved a few years ago to remarry and I really haven't had a friend as close since, although I continue working on building relationships.  Seems to be harder the older we get, everyone already has theirs in place!

\I'm sorry you are so alone.  Have you considered going to a grief support group in time?  Grief counseling can be of help too.  

 

I may possibly go to grief counseling in time, but right now just trying to get things ready for his Memorial. Which is for now keeping me busy.   I'm trying to make his Memorial as special as he was, so I'm glad I got some extra time to be able to do that for him, and the rest of us too.  

[KayC]

In the first couple of weeks it seems we're really busy with details...there's phone calls to be made, social security to notify, funeral to plan, bulletin, music, etc., photos for display, etc.  It's when everyone leaves and the house is quiet that it gets really hard.  Everything we were used to, waking up together, talking over our day, etc., all that is changed and it's a stark reminder of what we're missing.  It's 13 years later and I still don't sleep in our bed, it's too much of a reminder, he should be there.

Keep coming here, let us know how you are, and keep us posted on how the memorial goes, when is it?

[crackerjack4u]

I agree KayC.  Right now I'm busy with the Memorial plans, but the Memorial itself is going to make things waaaayyyy tooo real, and reality is going to hit hard I'm sure. So I suspect I'm sure I'm going to be a complete mess Saturday.  I sit and bawl my eyes out while making the videos I can't imagine sitting there just watching them and not doing the same, but I made them out of love for him, so I will sit there through them, tears and all.  

I've been sleeping in our bed, on His pillows, and actually I feel closer to him by doing it.  I also before he passed away made a recording of him snoring which actually brought me comfort and made me feel safe  to hear when he was alive. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways, and we all just have to do what works best for us (if we can figure out what that What is).    

Then like I don't have enough on my plate already my stupid sump pump went out in my basement last night and the basement flooded with about 2-3" of rain water from the past few day's downpours we had here.  My washer, dryer, and deep freeze were all submerged so I hope they don't start going out now.  Anyway that's what today was spent doing replacing that and trying to get all the water out of there.  It was a nasty mess for sure. 

Have a good night dear.  I'll be around again.

 

 

 

[ModKatB]

2 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

Everyone deals with their grief in different ways, and we all just have to do what works best for us (if we can figure out what that What is).    

 

 

 

 

This is so true. I have said before that grief is not a one size fits all. We all have to learn what will work for us and sometimes it seems like nothing will work and that the emotions are just too much to handle. I have learned from reading post here in this forum that it is possible to get thru these dark days and that we are not alone even though it may feel that way. Prayers and hugs for you.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[KayC]

It is true, what brings one person pain, brings another person comfort, so we do what is best for us and that can change from time to time.  

I wasn't sure how I'd feel when his funeral time came but found it to be a positive experience, we had an open microphone time and hearing everyone tell their stories about him felt so honoring and I was surprised when my son got up and talked about his stepdad, that was the most touching of all.

I'm sorry about the sump pump, I hope you found someone to help you!  My 4 1/2 year old roof started leaking night before last, we're drenched in rain right now so it's scary, and of course the contractor has disappeared, so much for the warranty!  Having someone come out and look at it today.  I hate dealing with these things on my own but I've sure had plenty in the last 13 years!  Your husband will be proud of you for how you're handling it, I'm sure, I know my George is.  Just wish they could be here for us to lean on.

[Sunshine247]

Crackerjack, my husband just passed away a month ago today so I feel exactly what you are going through. I am in Arkansas this weekend for his memorial service for his family. Like you and David, it was always just Bob and me - the two of us. We don't have kids - never wanted any - and we were blessed to be able to live out every single one of our dreams. It was easier for us to take the show on the road than to have everyone come to California, so we had the memorial near his hometown, where all of his cousins are either living or close by. We lived in San Francisco for many years, so we are having a service there too at the beginning of December. We have been living in Mexico for most or full time for the past ten years, so we will have another service there in February. I figure the longer I celebrate his life, the longer he will stay with me. 

I hope that you can find some comfort in memories and happy thoughts of him. I kept my husang'd last voicemail to me and listen to it almost every day, as well as watch a short video I took of him. He had metastatic prostate cancer and went through six different courses of treatments, but it just didn't respond to any of them. Fortunately, he was really only in decline for the last month of his life and wasn't in pain or suffering. He passed away in his sleep. I had told him I wanted to be with him when he went - he told me he didn't want me to be there. So he got his own way for about the only time in our 24 years together.

I'm sure we will chat on here in the future. I know it won't take the pain away, but please know that I know what you are going through and my heart aches for you. Sending you lots of love and hugs and strength and courage to keep going, and wisdom to know when to just sit quietly and cry. Take care of yourself. And know that you are loved. <3

[crackerjack4u]

KatB Thank you hun. I pray there is some kind of peace somewhere in this nightmare, and heartbreak. I know I'm not actually alone, but I'm feeling so alone right now because the person I want/need most in my life isn't here.  I've had a really bad couple of days, and my sister was like why didn't you call me.  I said because you weren't who I wanted to talk to, I wanted to talk to my David, and I did.  

KayC-I bet your son on the mic was a very moving experience for you.  My hubby's stepson (that he raised from the age of 2) from a previous marriage came over the night  before he passed away and when he got ready to leave he said, "Well, dad I'm going to head home now, I love you and wanted to say thank you for being my dad."  David said, "You're welcome son." I love you too, and thank you for being my son."  He said, "It was my pleasure being your dad. I wouldn't have traded it for anything, and I loved every minute of it."  Of course me and his son both broke down crying.

As far as the sump pump, after calling a friend and asking them a couple questions, and watching a YouTube video on it, I'm proud to say I fixed it all by Myself.  I'm sorry about your roof, when it rains it pours literally.  I'm sure you probably got the same mess we got here, I'm in KY.  It rained here again all day today, and it's suppose to rain I think for the next couple days.  

 

Sunshine247-I'm so sorry for your recent loss hun, and my heart breaks for you.  It's wonderful that you all got to live in so many different areas, and do life your way.  I like the several Memorials idea hopefully it will help you and his family and friends deal with the grief.  My hubby will be gone 2 weeks Wednesday, and it already feels like he's been gone so long/too long already.  I miss him so much, and I'm just so lost without him.  I just can Not imagine trying to go through the rest of my life without him being here.   Lord knows I do plenty crying, and crying, and crying.  I wasn't aware a person could have so many tears.  Love and Hugs to you too hun, and again I'm so sorry for your loss.  

 

Hugs and love to you ALL. My heart breaks for us all.   I'm going to picture of me and my David on my profile thing if I can figure out how to do it.  Well I figured out how to put a pic on here but it says they are all too big so I'll have to shrink one down to make it work.  

[KayC]

Wow, I am so impressed!  I am not a "fixer" of things, I'm in awe of people who can do that!  Me, I'm great with bookkeeping, numbers, handling $, but not good at mechanical things.  My son is coming this weekend to fix a couple of things and of course bring my granddaughter, she hasn't been here in years, so I look forward to it!  I did get someone out for my roof and hope it's taken care of, it quit raining and is supposed to be cold but dry this next week.

You got me crying, talkiing about your husband's stepson!  That was very touching, and of course all the more so because he forged the relationship not out of default by birth, but by forming bonds and earning it through how he treated him, that's very special.

I always shrink pictures in Paint, it's so fast and easy.  Will look forward to seeing your picture!

When is the memorial going to be?

[crackerjack4u]

I'm not really a fixer of things either but I figured it out and got it done.  I'm sure seeing your son and granddaughter will be wonderful.  You all enjoy each others love and company and have a wonderful weekend.  

The hubby actually raised 2 step sons in that marriage but only him and this son formed that father son bond the other one I wouldn't know if I saw him on the street because in the 14 years we've been together I've never met him which is truly sad because he missed out on knowing a wonderful beautiful man who would have given him unconditional love.  

I will try to shrink one in Paint.  Yeah I finally got a pic resized that would work.  That is me and My David.  The Memorial is this coming Saturday November 10th.  Hugs and love to you.   

[KayC]

@crackerjack4u  I love that picture!  You look so radiant, I can tell he was good for you.    You are right, the other stepson missed out, his loss.  My George's XW took their kids and disappeared when they were small, it wasn't until we were together and I taught him to use the computer (he was a welder by trade, used to be a logger) that he finally found them, grown and married.  He'd tried before with public records, relatives, etc. but hadn't gotten anywhere.  He got to know his daughter, even though both his kids lived across the US, she told him she loved him the night before he died and called him Dad, it had to mean the world to him even though I think by that point he knew he wasn't going to make it.  His son waited a little too long, although George did hear from him in writing a bit.  My stepdaughter reported that she saw her brother holding up a picture of George next to him in the mirror...comparing.  I think that gave George a tickle. 

You will be in my thoughts and prayers this Saturday, I hope it is affirming as you experience his Memorial.

[crackerjack4u]

Hello dear KayC.  It's wonderful that your George did at least get to know his children, and that the love and bond that had been torn away was able to be reestablished between them, even if the son was a bit late getting around to it, better late than never for sure. I don't think people are aware at just how important reestablishing those severed bonds can be to those who will soon be in heaven, and also those who are left behind.  Yes, I bet your George did laugh at the son comparing in the mirror.  Do you think they look alike?  

David and his daughter weren't close at all when we first got together, but they reconnected afterwards (with a lot of persuasion to both of them).  Thankfully though, they became closer over the last 10+ years, but before that they spent many years apart, and, sadly, didn't talk at all.   I think his daughter had a lot of resentment towards him for not being in her life all those years, he and his 1st wife were married and had a child before either of them were old enough to legally drive a car which had to be rough on all parties involved because they were all kids. 

I think I've pretty much got everything done for the Memorial, except cooking the food.  I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it being over or not because I know it is going to make things way too real. I had pretty much made myself sick from the stress and heartbreak of losing him, then that stress and heartbreak was made worse when I went through the pics, made the videos, etc. for it. I'm hoping it goes well, and that I don't completely go off the deep end during or afterwards, but right now I'm a complete mess.  I hope that gets better in time, but for now, it's really rough. I'm not sure if having that extra time to plan things was good or not.  I'm glad I was able to put things together in a way that I think he would have liked, and in a way that honors the man I love.  Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated hun.  I'm really not looking forward to Saturday at all because I know it's going to be so hard to deal with. 

Have a nice night hun.  Hugs and Prayers to you.          

[KayC]

I definitely see George in Matt...he has the same build.  He also has his quick temper, which George learned to control but not sure Matt has...George went through anger management.  His daughter has a kind heart like him and he was very proud of them.  His son is in law enforcement, his doctor worked for a doctor's office like I once did.  Good kids, I wish they lived closer.

I hope you get a chance to relax a bit when the memorial is done, I know, hard to do, but one can hope.  

It's going to be important to learn self-care for yourself...those ways he took care of you...we have to learn to extend them to ourselves, patience, understanding, valuing ourselves.

[crackerjack4u]

My David also had some anger issues, especially in his younger days, most of which stemmed from issues that were, beyond his control, from childhood.  It was to the point that the people in the town he was from would literally call their kids into the house if he was walking by, or they would move to the opposite side of the street because they were so afraid of him.  A friend of his visited him just before his passing, and the friend's wife came too and brought him a prayer blanket.  They were saying when they first got married that his wife said anyone is welcome here except, David, she said I don't want him in my home.  Well, one day shortly after they were married she came home and there sat David at the kitchen table, she said she has loved him ever since.  Of course, David the day they visited said I did a lot of bad stuff, and made a lot of mistakes, and we were all like who hasn't, and who didn't. We all reassured him that he was Not the person that everyone feared back then anymore.  He was a good man, often misunderstood, often short tempered, but a good man none the less.  

We have a elderly dear friend that Dave said literally saved his life.  He said, one Sunday morning after she got out of church, she literally drug him out of the gutter where he had been there intoxicated for many days, and he was homeless at the time.   He said she came up to him, wasn't scared of him like everyone else was, she sat down held his hand, prayed for him and told him how much both her and God loved him.  When my David passed away he was an Ordained Minister, and at one time he was an Associate Pastor at one church, and an Assistant Pastor at another church.      

[KayC]

My George was the most caring person I've ever met, but like your David, there was a time people feared him.  He'd had to learn how to carry himself to survive, but there was a tender heart inside, and God transformed him completely.  His was quite a story. He wasn't a minister, he'd have laughed at that thought, but they did ask him to serve as Elder, which he declined, not thinking he was good enough.  I saw him differently than he saw himself.  He was always there when anyone needed anything.  There for anyone.  I miss that man so much, no amount of years changes that.

[crackerjack4u]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

My George was the most caring person I've ever met, but like your David, there was a time people feared him.  He'd had to learn how to carry himself to survive, but there was a tender heart inside, and God transformed him completely.  His was quite a story. He wasn't a minister, he'd have laughed at that thought, but they did ask him to serve as Elder, which he declined, not thinking he was good enough.  I saw him differently than he saw himself.  He was always there when anyone needed anything.  There for anyone.  I miss that man so much, no amount of years changes that.

That was the same with Dave, he often said he was not good enough for this, this, or for anything, and that wasn't even close to being correct.  He was good enough for everything, and I just wished he'd seen himself, and loved himself the way I saw and loved him every second of the day.  He too had such a tender heart, and loved the people he loved with everything he had.    I miss my David so much too, and wish he was here.  

[KayC]

We were the privileged, the ones who saw inside them and knew them for who they were, the men God created them to be.

[DB2]

Cracker jack 4u

I'm sorry for your loss I wish you all the best and please surround yourself with love ones . Please update us, we are here for you

[Spengler]

It's hard, it's devastating, crackerjack4u, but one day we will be united with our loved ones. Meanwhile, the Lord still has work for us to do here, and some of it is hard and painful work. Some days I feel deep guilt over the joy I feel just drawing in breath and looking out the window and seeing the sunlight. What did I do to deserve to keep on living? It's been six months now and I'm still here. Some days are okay.

 

Hang on, crackerjack4u, it will get a little better and a little easier. And hopefully you'll find out why you're still here and what it is you have to do.

We're with you.

[crackerjack4u]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

We were the privileged, the ones who saw inside them and knew them for who they were, the men God created them to be.

Absolutely hun.  

The Memorial went very well today, the turn out was great, and I'm sure he was smiling down on us all.  I read a poem I had written to him after his passing, which I hadn't planned on doing because I can't read it without breaking down multiple times during it, and today was no exception.  When the preacher asked for people to come up and say something about him, etc., something just said, "Get up and read the poem you wrote for your huny", so I just got up, took the poem up there, and started reading it, having to stop several times to get myself back under control in order to be able to continue on because I was crying so hard.     I'm attaching it below if you want to read it.  Have a Nice Night hun.  

My Precious David POEM.docx

[crackerjack4u]

6 hours ago, DB2 said:

Cracker jack 4u

I'm sorry for your loss I wish you all the best and please surround yourself with love ones . Please update us, we are here for you

Ty DB2, and I will.  

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing that poem with us.  I don't remember what I shared at George's funeral, so it's good that you wrote it down...I do remember what others said, some of it anyway, that time was kind of a blur.  A year later I ran across the sympathy cards I got and was amazed at how little I remembered, I had to have been in shock.

I'm glad you got through the day and so glad there was a good turnout.  Your poem was very sweet and shows the love between you.

[crackerjack4u]

I can understand it being a blur, as the grief is so fresh and just too much to handle at that time.  I had so many people I'd known for years (family and friends) coming up to me hugging me yesterday, and I'd have to stop and think about who they were because my mind was so far away, and was (with David). Grief can do some weird stuff to a person's mind for sure.  

My David was a man of many Hats throughout his life, and you rarely saw him when he wasn't literally wearing one of those many hats.   He had Cowboy Hats, Biker Hats, Preacher Hats, Veteran Hats, etc.  So at the Memorial I sat up a big pedestal coat rack, and hung all his many, many, hats on it for all to see. At the end of the Memorial I called up his brothers, his grandson, his step son, his male nephews, cousins, and friends and let each one of them pick one of his hats to take home with them to remember him by which is something I think he would have wanted.  He also had many pairs of cowboy boots that he himself gave a way to special people prior to his passing. 

[KayC]

It's funny you mention hats...just last night a friend of George's was talking about his fishing hat...it took me nine years to let go of it, but I knew who to give it to, it went to his friend Dan, from church.  That was four years ago, and it still means a lot to him, he said how much he missed him.  Me too.

[crackerjack4u]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

It's funny you mention hats...just last night a friend of George's was talking about his fishing hat...it took me nine years to let go of it, but I knew who to give it to, it went to his friend Dan, from church.  That was four years ago, and it still means a lot to him, he said how much he missed him.  Me too.

I know that he will always treasure that hat, and you will always treasure that memory.  I bought Dave a Zip up hoodie about 2 years ago, and had planned on giving it to his Nephew, who is a Pastor, and who did Dave's Memorial Service, but like you, I just was not ready to part with it. yet, if ever.  Who knows, because I know how proud he was of that jacket, I might even wear it some, but for now I've got it safely stored.  

[KayC]

You will know if/when you're ever ready.  Everyone wanted George's fishing hat, he loved fishing, he always had a big smile on his face, and Dan was one of his fishing buddies.  They had a special friendship.

[crackerjack4u]

11 minutes ago, KayC said:

You will know if/when you're ever ready.  Everyone wanted George's fishing hat, he loved fishing, he always had a big smile on his face, and Dan was one of his fishing buddies.  They had a special friendship.

That's what I thought too.  I may not ever get rid of it, but then again later down the line I might.

[crackerjack4u]

It's been a horribly rough day/night, again. I had to go to the cemetery to do the final approval for Dave's headstone for his cremation plot today.-(He's not going in there though until I pass away and then we will both be placed in there together. Until then he'll just be hanging out with me here at the house). 

I'm pretty much staying up all night, and sleeping during the day (when I'm able to sleep at all), and have been doing that for the past couple of weeks or more now.  I completely lost it again tonight, and had yet one more angry, sad, lost, major melt down.  It just amazes me the things that will trigger a meltdown during times of grief. (Tonight's was brought on by David's dog, who was his best buddy, but not necessarily mine because  Dave had him so spoiled that no one else could do much, if anything, with him).  I'm just missing my David so much, and it makes me both angry, and sad that he's not here, (sad that he's not here, and angry that I couldn't do anything to keep him here, and that there's nothing I can do to stop the pain of him being gone, so I just keep missing him, and trying to keep moving forward, while pretending to be alright.  Yelp, continuing to move forward one day at a time isn't as easy as you'd think.     

[Sunshine247]

@crackerjack4u I have the same problems. I wake up at 3 am every night. And usually can't go back to sleep. I beat myself up for not doing more, for not pursuing other options, for not getting other opinions for treating Bob's prostate cancer. For not taking better care of him. BUT - we tried and we did the best that we could. And we MUST believe that. I have been calling a grief helpline and that is what they told me when I talked to them about this guilt. Maybe a grief helpline might help you too? I am joining a grief support group next week and am going to try to find a counselor in my area (that I can afford). All of my friends have suggested it - not sure if that is because they are tired of listening to me or that they just don't know how to deal with this and want the best help for me - I'm gonna go with the second one because my friends are some of the best people on this planet, just like Bob. 

Your David sounds like a wonderful soul with a huge heart and your photo together just radiates love and happiness! Bob had a lot of hats too - mostly baseball caps. Some I will never let go but there are others that will go to some friends when the time is right. And as others say, I will know when it's right. It's not now.

We have two dogs and one cat. I claim the dogs as "mine," but they loved Bob just as much. The one dog grew up living on the streets in Mexico - they are both adopted rescues from Mexico and I call them Beachmutts - and she has never been affectionate or cuddly. She will not leave my side now. She is curled up right next to me on the bed, with her chin on my leg, as I type. The other one looks for Bob and I know he misses him. Bob walked him for about a mile every morning when we were still living in Mexico. I know they both miss their time together. We had four other Beachmutts that have all passed on now - the last one went up in June - so I know that he has good company on the Big Beach in the Sky and they are all waiting for us.  They bring me a lot of comfort and there are some days but except for them, I would be pretty tempted to go join Bob myself. I'm not suicidal, just don't want to be here without him. 

My new(est) approach right now is to stay strong for Bob and to make him proud. Some days that works really well - others, not so much. A friend of mine sent me a poem and it says something about - carry on as if I were there, everything is the same as it ever was. Yes. And no. It will never be the same but when I get too sad about that and start thinking about Never Agains (I'm not going to list them and make everyone cry) I try to just think of all of the good times and memories that we shared and that helps. Don't be sad that it ended, be glad that it happened. Easier said than done, but good advice from Dr. Seuss

Hope you have a good day. Just remember, you are not alone, there are many people here for you, and even though we take different paths, we're all on the same journey together - one that none of us wanted. And if we could turn back time or change things or make it different, we would - for all of us. Big hugs and much love and PM me if you ever want to talk and I will send you my phone number.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

Yelp, continuing to move forward one day at a time isn't as easy as you'd think.     

No, not easy at all.  How is his dog doing?  Our Lucky was very well trained and behaved, and after George died she was acting out and I couldn't figure it out, it took my daughter to point out to me that she was grieving, so I gave her extra attention and love...my brain was so clouded with grief I couldn't even think straight!

You've got to think, with each day that passes, I did this, and give yourself remarkable credit for surviving that day.  Also be ever so understanding and patient with yourself.  It's okay if we don't come across as strong all the time, there's strength in just making it, whether it seems it or not, but it's definitely okay to cry or feel upset too!  How could you not?!

[crackerjack4u]

@Sunshine247 I think after the Holidays I will most likely look into a grief helpline, grief group, or counselor here in my area. I also have the option of Hospice grief support too.  I have always had horribly bad seasonal depression during the Winter months and Holidays anyway, (usually lasts from about the beginning of October to around March), and now with Dave passing on 10-24-18, and my mom passed on 12-23-03, it makes my depression a lot worse, especially around the holidays. I was also born on my mom's birthday in March so that kind of puts a damper on that too.

I have 4 invites to friend's houses for Thanksgiving, (I think I'm going to go to 2 of them if I'm not having another horribly bad day- one at noon Thursday and another at 5 Thursday afternoon-I too am blessed with great friends who seem to be there when I need them the most), plus my daughter, SIL, and the 3 grands are coming in from out of town, and I get to see them awhile tomorrow afternoon, and we are all getting together on Friday which I'm looking forward to.   

It sounds like you have a great bunch of friends.  I don't think they recommended you see a counselor because they are tired of listening to you, I think they probably know that they just can't offer you the type/level of support that you need.  I think sometimes our friends, especially those who haven't walked a mile in our shoes, or experienced anything like this often find it difficult to know exactly what to say, or how to offer us the appropriate type of help for our grief, but them just being there makes more difference to us than they could ever imagine.   

It's sweet that your little doggie has decided to be your BFF, and it sounds like you both could use a good  friend right now, so it's a win-win for sure. I completely understand how much comfort, and joy fur babies can offer us, plus they also help keep us busy, and help keep our minds preoccupied if even for a short period of time. I have, are you ready for this....9 fur babies- (5 dogs, and 4 cats (all rescues), lol so it's like a zoo here most of the time.  My oldest dog is 14, my youngest dog is 5,  and my oldest cat is 22, and my youngest cat is 2. My 22 year old cat has been through everything with me, divorces, the death of both my parents, now the death of my David.  He's a very special dear fur baby friend, but they all hold a special place in my heart, as each one offers so much love and comfort, they all have their own little personality, and have their own silly quirks, etc.   

I have some stories I could tell you about when my mom passed away, and a couple of things since my David has passed away, but I'll save them for another day, but these stories only confirm that there is life after death, and we WILL without a doubt see them ALL again someday.

I think we did all that we could do to try to keep our loved ones here with us, and when the Lord calls them home there is Nothing any of us can do to stop it.  I know Bob is proud of you, as my David is proud of me, but I will continue to do things to try to make him proud along this horrible journey without him.  

You can also PM me anytime you want to talk and I too will give you my phone number, am just a phone call or PM away. Hugs and love to you too dear friend.  I hope you have a nice night, and a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.  

@KayC Hello dear friend.  Oh, the "DOG" he's being stubborn, hard headed, acting ugly, and being contrary to say the least.  He decided that going out in the yard wallowing in the bushes, and Lord knows whatever else- which caused his entire face, and front paws to get completely matted with leaves, sticks, etc. was a good idea so I had to clip all that mess out of his face with him growling the entire time.  He also needs his nails cut, and is having no part of the nail clipping at all right now, the little turd nipped my finger last night while I was trying to cut his nails, so I think I'm going to take him to the vet next week, and let them cut them.  

Yelp, making it through yet One more day is an accomplishment, and a huge milestone on this horrible journey for sure, and the way I see it that's one day closer to getting to see my David again.

Hugs and love to you KayC.  I hope you have a good night, and a safe and happy turkey day.     

[KayC]

@crackerjack4u  Your response to Sunshine was so perfect, it melted my heart.  Seeing all of you helping each other through this...

I got a smile out of your dog's antics.  Yesterday mine stepped in a ball of pitch and tracked it in on the kitchen marble floor.  Not fun or easy to get up!  But the hardest part was getting it off the bottom of his paw, I had to trim the fur away, he was not having it, and his middle name is NOT cooperative!

I'm glad you have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving.  I woke up at 2:15 am and didn't get back to sleep so am hoping I catch a nap today so as to not be too tired with the driving tomorrow.  Wishing for peace to come your way and everyone else here too.

[crackerjack4u]

@KayC yelp David's dog doesn't have cooperative in his first, last, or middle name, he's just a sassy ole cuss lol.  I have the funniest story about him about something that happened prior to Dave's passing.  One night after Dave had already went to bed I was sitting up in the bed watching TV and heard a ruckus over in the floor on Dave's side of the bed.  Knowing it was His Dog making all that noise, and being afraid he'd wake Dave up I called him over to my side of the bed to tell him to lay down.

When he came around the foot of the bed over to my side, and I saw what his problem was I cracked up laughing.  I don't do bugs of any kind, so I put those sticky pad things under all the dressers to capture any spiders that might sneak in. Well, somehow he managed to get his foot up under the dresser, and had gotten one of those sticky pads stuck on the bottom of his foot. Still laughing I call him into the bathroom to try to get the sticky pad off his foot, as he was walking into the bathroom he looked like someone trying to walk with a broken flip flop on lol. Once in the bathroom, I attempted to pull it off, but as you know those things really stick so that wasn't going to happen without hurting him, so I thought I'll just run some water in the tub, and soak it off.  In the meantime while I was preparing to run the water in the tub he slide down with this sticky pad on his foot and it then also became stuck to his forearm where he couldn't straighten out his leg to stand on it.  Again I was rolling and trying to hurry up and get the water ran in order to help the poor feller.  Well, in the mean time, he thought it would be a good idea to try to chew the sticky pad off his foot, and forearm and also got it  stuck to the side of his face.  So here's this poor dog with a sticky pad stuck to the bottom of his foot, his forearm, and his face, and he had the most defeated look to him.  But that time I was laughing so hard that I had tears rolling down my face while trying to get him into the tub. Once in the tub it didn't take long for it to come loose, and set him free again.  The next morning I told Dave what had happened and he started laughing and said I wish you had gotten it on video  I told him I would have if the dog hadn't been in so much distress having ti stuck to 3 areas of his body and I was afraid of how many more areas he'd get it stuck to if I didn't hurry up and get it off there.  LOL it was certainly something to see for sure.            

[ModKatB]

2 hours ago, crackerjack4u said:

@KayC yelp David's dog doesn't have cooperative in his first, last, or middle name, he's just a sassy ole cuss lol.  I have the funniest story about him about something that happened prior to Dave's passing.  One night after Dave had already went to bed I was sitting up in the bed watching TV and heard a ruckus over in the floor on Dave's side of the bed.  Knowing it was His Dog making all that noise, and being afraid he'd wake Dave up I called him over to my side of the bed to tell him to lay down.

When he came around the foot of the bed over to my side, and I saw what his problem was I cracked up laughing.  I don't do bugs of any kind, so I put those sticky pad things under all the dressers to capture any spiders that might sneak in. Well, somehow he managed to get his foot up under the dresser, and had gotten one of those sticky pads stuck on the bottom of his foot. Still laughing I call him into the bathroom to try to get the sticky pad off his foot, as he was walking into the bathroom he looked like someone trying to walk with a broken flip flop on lol. Once in the bathroom, I attempted to pull it off, but as you know those things really stick so that wasn't going to happen without hurting him, so I thought I'll just run some water in the tub, and soak it off.  In the meantime while I was preparing to run the water in the tub he slide down with this sticky pad on his foot and it then also became stuck to his forearm where he couldn't straighten out his leg to stand on it.  Again I was rolling and trying to hurry up and get the water ran in order to help the poor feller.  Well, in the mean time, he thought it would be a good idea to try to chew the sticky pad off his foot, and forearm and also got it  stuck to the side of his face.  So here's this poor dog with a sticky pad stuck to the bottom of his foot, his forearm, and his face, and he had the most defeated look to him.  But that time I was laughing so hard that I had tears rolling down my face while trying to get him into the tub. Once in the tub it didn't take long for it to come loose, and set him free again.  The next morning I told Dave what had happened and he started laughing and said I wish you had gotten it on video  I told him I would have if the dog hadn't been in so much distress having ti stuck to 3 areas of his body and I was afraid of how many more areas he'd get it stuck to if I didn't hurry up and get it off there.  LOL it was certainly something to see for sure.            

Stories like these are the memories that we will keep and cherish. They are also the things we can try and remember when things are not going so well and we need something to hold onto that brings good thoughts. Thank you for sharing this, it made me smile for a moment.

[crackerjack4u]

2 minutes ago, KatB said:

Stories like these are the memories that we will keep and cherish. They are also the things we can try and remember when things are not going so well and we need something to hold onto that brings good thoughts. Thank you for sharing this, it made me smile for a moment.

@KatB I'm glad it brought a smile to your face.  During our times of grief a smile for any reason is a welcome one.  I'm glad I was able to provide you with one today dear friend.  Hugs and love.  I hope you have a nice turkey day hun with a couple more smiles.  

[KayC]

@crackerjack4u  Well you definitely gave me my laugh for the day!  I love it!  It's memories like these...

[Sunshine247]

@crackerjack4u - Good for you for rescuing! I'm very involved in rescue in Mexico. My two dogs now are both rescues from down there - we call them Beachmutts - and my cat is also, as was the one who followed Bob two days after he passed. We had the original four Beachmutts that drove back and forth with us to Mexico, south of Cancun, from California - seven days in a Honda CRV. But those were some of the best times and memories! At one point, we had four dogs and eleven cats and we lived in an old tiny Edwardian house in San Francisco with a yard the size of a postage stamp. Over the years, we've had a total of seven dogs and more than 20 cats. I love animals more than most people  

Hope that you have a good day today. Sending love and hugs. Even in our grief, we still have much to be thankful for - we had the BEST husbands who were the love of our lives. I will share some experiences with you too - I know Bob is still here with me and that we will see each other again. Stay strong. 

[KMB]

crackerjack4u

I am sorry for your loss. Your David was a fighter and it takes courage, love of self and love of others, to fight until the end. Leaving this life and loved ones, when it comes to illness and disease, is never a "dignified" process, but, David did it his way with love and grace.

I hope you have plenty of supportive family and friends. Even if you do not wish to interact with anyone, it does help just to have another person close by. We feel alone, without our special loved one, but, your David is still by your side. Talk to him out loud, he hears you. We are the reluctant survivors, and life as we knew it will never be again. All we can do is live out our time the best we are capable of, as our loved ones would wish us to, and wait until it is our time to be reunited with our significant others again. From my own experience, it is a waiting game. A very long, pain filled one.  Everyone reacts differently to loss and it is an individual journey. You are in the early days yet, where your brain is in a fog and it takes a lot of effort to function at any one thing. We are lost, confused, like we were dumped in an alien location. Have patience with yourself. I didn't understand that advice, given to me a little over 2 years ago. By nature, I am hard on myself and I found myself pushing too hard, to stand up to the standards of daily life that I had for myself. I did not want to disappoint my husband that I could not be a widow warrior. I did not want to fail him. I stumbled and fell many times, in trying to stand and keep going, day after day. It did take its toll on me. I have since learned to have patience with myself and do life in baby steps. I consider each day that I make it through, it is another step closer to being with my hubby again.  You can do this too. You might not think so, at this time. I didn't either. Time is actually a gift, when I think back on those early months and even now. Time, patience and baby steps are the keys. We WILL get our reward of that reunion with our loved ones.

[crackerjack4u]

@KayC I'm glad my story gave you a good laugh. It sure made me laugh when it happened.

@Sunshine247 Rescues make some of the best pets for sure. I had to LOL at the total number that you had and I probably would have about the same number if I could afford to keep everyone's shots up, etc.   I also feed the feral cats outside, and set up feral houses for them to stay warm in in the Winter.   My hubby and I were both huge animal lovers for sure.

Today went good, I got to spend some quality time with some very good friends, and ate way too much :).  I hope your day was a good one too.   I look forward to hearing your stories.   

@KMB Thank you hun.  Yes, my David was a fighter for sure, and he did everything in life in his own unique way, so I suspected nothing less for his end of life battle.  He actually handled things much better than I did, or so it seemed. (Perhaps he was just being strong for me but with him being a preacher he had always said that when his time comes he's ready to go, and that's exactly how he acted the entire time).  The day he got the diagnoses and the Hospice referral he told the doctor that he wasn't afraid to die because he knew where he was going to go and that he was going to be in Heaven soon with God, his parents and friends who had passed. 

I, on the other hand, was terrified for him, and terrified for myself as well. I was terrified for him knowing what he would be having to go through in order to get there as we had already seen how aggressive, and brutal that disease had already been on him, and knew it wasn't finished with its aggressive wrath on my precious David, yet.   I was terrified for myself because I couldn't imagine my life without him in it, it still to this day is like a really bad nightmare that I can't wake up from.  I personally think it would have been easier to handle had it been me instead of him.  I don't mean easier on me now since he's gone as this is just horrible and I wouldn't want him to go through this part either, but I mean the aggressive disease, and the toll it took on him, the toll on his body, his mind, the pain, etc. I would have traded places with him in a heart beat (as I'm sure many of us here would have traded places with their loved ones too) in order to keep him from having to go through any of that. I guess God decided that was his journey to take, and now this is my journey to take without him.      

I talk to him all the time, and know that he's still here with me. I just wish I could put my arms around him again, and I'm counting down the days until I can do that again.  Yes, there's no doubt in my mind that it is a long painful waiting game for sure, my David has been gone less than a month, and it already feels like he's been gone an eternity, and it's so hard to drag myself through each day without him.  But yes time, patience, and baby steps is a must because I don't think I would be able to get there any other way.  Have a nice night dear.  I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.   

[KayC]

I get that, your wanting to take it on instead of him, in that sense I'm glad my George was spared prolonged suffering, I know the heart trouble would have been hard for him to live with, it would have affected the activities he could do and he would not have like being disabled or quitting working, but oh gosh what I wouldn't give just to be able to talk to him and have him hold me again!

[crackerjack4u]

@KayC Absolutely.  The disease that David had was soooo aggressive, and although I am a RN, (don't work now though due to my health issues, etc.), I have NEVER, in all the time I worked with people with cancer, etc.,  seen anyone decline so rapidly, or seen a disease take such a drastic toll on a person in that length of time. It was unbelievable what that disease put him through, and I was powerless to stop it.  All I could do was to be there for him, and try to keep his pain under control the best I could while watching him decline, and him being forced to endure new challenges, and be forced to endure its aggressive wrath every single day.        

[KayC]

A couple of years I lost one of my best friends of 40 years pass from cancer...from diagnosis to death was under two months...she'd been trying to lose weight and suddenly gained 24 lbs in a month and knew she hadn't eaten that much, went to the doctor and they told her she had a tumor.  They opened her up to remove it but it had spread.  They sent her home on hospice, two weeks later she was gone.  She never got to retire.  I'm glad she got to meet her baby grandson but never got to know her granddaughter that came a year later.  It felt so unfair.  Her name was Kay and our daughters were best friends growing up, my Melissa Kay and her Mandy Kay.  We'd planned on visiting each other when she retired as she'd moved across the state.

I hate cancer.  I watched it take the life of my MIL, who was the mom I'd always wanted, my best friend, such a sweet lady.  I took care of her the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  I watched it destroy her organs, one at a time, go to her brain.  It was a slow horrific way to go.  I hate cancer.  It's a robber.

[crackerjack4u]

@KayC I'm sorry for your losses hun. Cancer is horrible. My aunt's cancer was very similar to your friend's, they went in to remove her gallbladder and seen that the cancer that she didn't know she had had spread, so they closed her back up and she died a week later.  Not only did it take my David, it has taken several of our very dear friends as well.  Our family has been hit by cancer several times as well but thankfully they all survived their battles with it.  My mom had colon cancer, my dad had prostrate cancer, my sister had  breast cancer, and my grandmother also had breast cancer twice. 

The thing that angers me the most about David's Sarcoma is that it was Very Likely triggered by the Radiation treatments that he had to treat his lung cancer.  His lung cancer was found by accident, very early on, was a tiny 2 cm area, they attempted to surgically remove the lower lobe of his lung in order to just get it out of there so he could be done with it, but they couldn't without doing major surgery because they said he had too much scar tissue.  The surgeon didn't feel comfortable doing major surgery on him unless it became absolutely necessary due to all his other health issues, and it being very unlikely of there being any chance of it spreading at that time due to its small size, and location.  But since it was growing, he suggested that he go have radiation instead which he said should be just a few treatments, and be a quick in and out with excellent results.  The radiation was working well, had shrunk the tumor to less than half the original already small size, etc., and then the Sarcoma hit.  Knowing what I know now, and knowing that the radiation is most likely the culprit that triggered the Sarcoma, he would have probably been better off taking his chances with the lung cancer, and not having the radiation treatments at all.  It's ridiculous that a person goes in for treatment for one thing, and the treatment they use, triggers something 100x's worse.   I Hate Cancer Too.   

[KayC]

Wow, it is weird how that went.  You have had a lot of the C word in your family.  I know of nothing worse.  But it seems each person's horror story is just as horrible, no matter the disease or condition.  In the end, it's what got them, what stole them from us.  Just when we're living life to the fullest...ZAP!  It comes out of nowhere.  And we're here living with the results.  It never fails to amaze me how far reaching death's grasp is.  How it changes the living's life as well.

[crackerjack4u]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow, it is weird how that went.  You have had a lot of the C word in your family.  I know of nothing worse.  But it seems each person's horror story is just as horrible, no matter the disease or condition.  In the end, it's what got them, what stole them from us.  Just when we're living life to the fullest...ZAP!  It comes out of nowhere.  And we're here living with the results.  It never fails to amaze me how far reaching death's grasp is.  How it changes the living's life as well.

Well said, and so true, KayC.  It was like from the second of the original diagnose of lung cancer that Dave was destine to travel the road that he did, as other things attempted on his journey was leading him that direction,  and nothing we tried, or did was going to change the outcome. 

Cancer is sitting there waiting to see who it can attack without warning and take next, whose family can it rip apart, and how many lives can it leave shattered, broken, and destroyed in it's mist.  It doesn't discriminate by age, race, gender, income, etc., if it can find a way in it will sneak in and attack the unsuspecting souls, and their entire family.

One never knows when cancer, or some other disease, illness, accident, etc., will grab on to a person and refuse to let go, and life as they and their family knows it will be forever changed.  

My mom, although she battled and beat colon cancer, had quadruple bypass surgery on her heart and was living life to the fullest afterwards, it was a Medical Error that caused her death.  A simple routine test they wanted to do in which an unnoticed error being made is what set the wheels in motion, causing one major issue after another, and leading to her death 2 months later.

My dad, got up one morning to get cleaned up to go play cards with his friends, something he had done many times before, only this time he lost his balance, fell and hit his head in the bathtub, and died 2 days later.

None of us knows which one of these types of things will lead to their/our demise, but you can be certain that their/our particular road, their/our particular battle that must be fought, and their/our particular journey have already been laid out, and Nothing anyone does can alter its course.  It Will not only destroy the person that it happens to, it will also leave a long path of destruction, pain, anger, and heartbreak in its wake on those that are left behind.   

 

[KayC]

Yes it will and does.  None of us know for sure what our end will be or when, only that it comes.  That's why it behooves us to make the most of the time we have, enjoy life to the fullest we can, and make a difference to others while we can.

[crackerjack4u]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes it will and does.  None of us know for sure what our end will be or when, only that it comes.  That's why it behooves us to make the most of the time we have, enjoy life to the fullest we can, and make a difference to others while we can.

Absolutely.