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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Michael and Danielle, I left a response to you both on the main thread ‘loss of an adult child’ a little while ago.

I too thought I would go mad with the heartache - your feelings are very much shared.

I’m sorry that there is nothing I can do or say to ease what you are going through.  Roz

 

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Michael Rodriguez

like always...thanks Roz....im staying in this thread. less of us ,and with the same pain

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Lisa M.

I feel sometimes like I am going crazy.  It is good to know it gets softer.  Will be a while for me, of that I am sure.  Thank you Roz.

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Danielle Masata

Hi friends.  I have been away for a few days, visiting my sister.  While there, I ended up with a horrible, awful case of hives.  My husband, sister, and I all tried to figure out what offset the problem.  What had I eaten that made me so allergic.  Yuck!  Huge blotches of red rash.  The next day, I was dealing with massive bubbles all over my abdomen. Thank goodness my sister had an antihistamine that I could take, which turned out to be exactly what was needed.  First day, I took Benadryl which put me right into a deep, deep sleep.  The next and since I have been taking Claritan, so I'm not in la-la land. The bubbles and itching have become slightly less severe (felt as if I had had 15 cups of coffee), and I decided that maybe the true problem is my emotional state.  There's a book called "The Body Keeps Score" about how your body responds to trauma and clearly I should have anticipated the problem.

Meanwhile, my son's birthday was yesterday.  We didn't have a clue about how to celebrate or at least acknowledge the event.  I mean, it's easy when it's a happy occasion: lots of family calling to sing the Happy Birthday song.  Breakfast in bed in the morning, Presents throughout the day.  A favorite dinner made or a special restaurant to go to. Cake and candles at night.  My son may be an adult now, but it always felt good and easy to think of him as a youngster.

So here are two questions for all of you: 1) how did you acknowledge a special day, like a birthday, if it has come up?  And another, 2) have you noticed your pet is in mourning and did you help ease that trauma?

 While away, I met a woman who is a grief counselor who mentioned her husband had died several years ago and that her dog is still in mourning.  She stated that pets (maybe just dogs) experience loss and grieve just like us humans.  She said it often takes dogs about five (5) years to adjust.  That surprised me.  Have you done anything to help or should I? I have noticed that when I squeal with the same sounds of  joy and great happiness the way Patrick used to when he came home gets our dog looking all around for Patrick.  I don't want her to forget that playtime and joyfulness, but I also don't know if that's unkind of me to squeal.  I wonder if I'm just teasing her.

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Danielle Masata

One more thought to share: I started reading the book The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.  It's a top seller and I find it really healthy for me to read books as it's a good distraction, especially these days.  The book at first, seemed like it was going to be a terrible choice given my current issues, but I pushed on.  Now, as I continue, I find it really, really perfect.  You might too.  The main character was always full of regrets and sad about the choices she had made. I haven't finished the book and won't give it away, but suffice it to say I am finding it richly rewarding.  She has learned a lot from exploring a few of those regrets.  She has becomes much more insightful and philosophical.  For me personally, I too have lots and lots of regrets, particularly those related to Patrick.  It's become helpful for me to think about the regrets I have been holding in. All my "shoulda, coulda, woulda" regrets doesn't change the fact that he isn't here to hug and hold, and tell him I love him but was there something I could have done differently?  I spoke with my grief counselor about this today.  She had also read the book and suggested I write down my  regrets and keep them tucked away in a jar.  This would allow myself the opportunity to unburden myself from something I am hanging onto, those regrets.  Instead this might help me "move forward" towards acceptance.

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Mason’s Mom

For Mason's birthdays we have had a family dinner with Grandparents,  Aunts, Uncles and cousins. It wasn't my plan but everyone wanted to get together for him. We have continued and now it will feel so empty without being surrounded by others that miss him. 

Yes pets do mourn, we have 2 dogs that were Mason's so not only were they confused but I can't imagine how we are going to handle losing them. 

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Lisa M.

I haven't had to deal with his birthday yet that will be in December. However he did have a dog and when hospice came in And waited with me till the mortuary came We had put her out on the back deck so that when the mortuary came in we didn't have to worry about the dog. As they were taking my son out of the home the dog was running and barking and the hair on her neck was standing up while she was outside. She knew her person was gone. When they were gone we let her back in and she kept trying to get up in the bed and you know we didn't want her she well I would let her in there but his wife didn't want her in there. So I told her go ahead and strip the blankets off and I said but we have to give we have to give her something so so we put the sheet on the floor and I or and I watched that dog do donuts all over that sheet and then hunkered down in the middle of middle of it and we covered her up with the rest of the sheet. I watched that dog visibly Psy and you could hear her just getting comfortable. I believe she's still in mourning She is so cuddly now and she never used to be that way with me. Thank you for recommending the book I'm going to check it out because I too am struggling very much with the  shoulda,coulda would.  I too am having some body issues that weren't present before so I'm wondering if I'm in the same boat you are. Something to look into. I am not looking forward to the holidays Because my son and I always spent them together since we're the only ones that lived here. Thank you so much for sharing.

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Michael Rodriguez

 Brian had Bruno , an old english mastiff. if i drive Brian's jeep , he will sit gront of the drivers doors for about an hour than he just lays down and mopes

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Danielle Masata

Here's the benefit of volunteering: the other day when my dog and I were at the hospital, doing our usual pet therapy, we went to the Maternity section.  I started going there because a new patient had requested a pet visit.  The patient we saw was so very anxious, but my dog used her calming ways and simply lay across the patient and before she knew it, her blood pressure had decreased and she was feeling so much more at ease.  The nurses were amazed, so they asked us to visit whenever we can.  And so without thinking of the significance of day, I went there on Patrick's birthday and saw a patient who had just had first child, a boy.  I when on and on and about the excitement of being a new mother and then realized the day.  I got to share that Patrick, also my oldest, and that it was his birthday too.  I didn't get into any of Patrick's challenges, including the fact that he was born via an emergency C-section, weighed so little, and had a zillion tubes monitoring him.  Naturally, I also didn't tell these new parents that Patrick had struggled all his life and that he had died.  Instead, I only focused on his life and of course the excitement of having a child.  As we left maternity, I had such a calm feeling of joy for this new life, without any sadness that I usually carry with me.  It was nice to help others and they really appreciated our visit.

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Michael Rodriguez

i already went thru brian's birthday , day before fathers day , so you can imagine what a weekend it was for me. everyday i go thru the coulda,woulda,shoulda regrets and i blame myself for what happen to him. a friend of the family ( friend of my parents) his son was killed in a car accident 40 years ago, on our prom night.......he said he was so glad that he was reaching the end because he had been looking forward to see mario after so many years.....he mourned for 40 years

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Danielle Masata

Aw Michael.  I'm sorry you feel so burdened with your regrets.  You might want to write each one separately on a small paper, fold it in half, and keep them in a jar to help you through those feelings.  "The Jar of Regrets".  I'm certain he knew how much you loved him, and quite honestly, that is the most important fact to hang onto during these early days of mourning.

I too think of those nearly everyday, but there's lifetime of regrets I can go through.  The other day, my sister was describing some of Patrick's idiosyncrasies as if I didn't do a very good job parenting him and it got me quite annoyed.  (He had a form of autism and tons of anxieties). When she said something about "wasn't he told to do this or that?" ..... It was one of those moments that could have led me to add more regrets, but instead I just whispered to myself that she was an idiot for thinking this.  Anyone can tell an autistic/anxious kid to do something, like look at a person when speaking, or initiate a conversation/ask a question and he'll "get it".  Even though my sister was very close to us when our kids were little, it's quite obvious she never had to deal with those challenges with her own kids.  Was it a regret that Patrick had these issues or that he didn't outgrow these behaviors?  You bet!  But we acted on helping him.  Weekly or 2x a week, I have been taking him to a psychiatrist since he was in third grade, and I always sat there with the doctors where we'd over what was discussed and what Patrick was going to focus on that week. Doctors and doctors, and special schools, and new medications, different activities or therapies and social workers and CBT specialists he'd try out.  We did it all.  Do we have regrets?  It's hard not to have regrets, but we have always put on our life on hold helping our kids.  We've been the most dedicated parents and it's shame to think anyone is going to make me feel guilty, even my dear sister.

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Michael Rodriguez
7 hours ago, Danielle Masata said:

Aw Michael.  I'm sorry you feel so burdened with your regrets.  You might want to write each one separately on a small paper, fold it in half, and keep them in a jar to help you through those feelings.  "The Jar of Regrets".  I'm certain he knew how much you loved him, and quite honestly, that is the most important fact to hang onto during these early days of mourning.

I too think of those nearly everyday, but there's lifetime of regrets I can go through.  The other day, my sister was describing some of Patrick's idiosyncrasies as if I didn't do a very good job parenting him and it got me quite annoyed.  (He had a form of autism and tons of anxieties). When she said something about "wasn't he told to do this or that?" ..... It was one of those moments that could have led me to add more regrets, but instead I just whispered to myself that she was an idiot for thinking this.  Anyone can tell an autistic/anxious kid to do something, like look at a person when speaking, or initiate a conversation/ask a question and he'll "get it".  Even though my sister was very close to us when our kids were little, it's quite obvious she never had to deal with those challenges with her own kids.  Was it a regret that Patrick had these issues or that he didn't outgrow these behaviors?  You bet!  But we acted on helping him.  Weekly or 2x a week, I have been taking him to a psychiatrist since he was in third grade, and I always sat there with the doctors where we'd over what was discussed and what Patrick was going to focus on that week. Doctors and doctors, and special schools, and new medications, different activities or therapies and social workers and CBT specialists he'd try out.  We did it all.  Do we have regrets?  It's hard not to have regrets, but we have always put on our life on hold helping our kids.  We've been the most dedicated parents and it's shame to think anyone is going to make me feel guilty, even my dear sister.

two things , this is why i rather stay with this group. we are only a few and i believe i almost know each one of you personally , i care for alll of you!!! and #2 , danielle do not give a damn at what your sister or anybody else thinks......just the fact that we are here spilling our guts out is because we love our kids more than life itself .....and those that are gone have taken most of our heart and our senses from us. and every tear with shed comes with wholesome love for them.

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Danielle Masata

You're right Michael.  I was quite surprised to hear my sister talk about Patrick's idiosyncrasies as she did.  She already knew how much we have helped Patrick all throughout his life.  She already knew how he struggled and that his disability even had a label.  (He has a mild case and sometimes it's called Asperger's.) And, strangely, she also knew she was talking about a person who died, so why was she saying things like "wasn't he taught these things?" (as if I could teach him now and he would begin to change his behavior). It was just weird.  But that has always been the case with friends and family who tell me these things.  

Current thought about regrets: I think my husband and I spent a great deal of time and energy talking and guiding Patrick for the future.  As an adult, he was like a 15 year old kid.  He'd make really unhealthy food choices, like lots of sugary drinks like soda and energy drinks, foods with lots of fat in it like heavy cream in his cereal and coffee.  Eating at all hours of the day and night, although he was genetically quite thin.  We used to worry about friend choices not being a good role model. And we used to worry that he'd never want to live on his own one day.  Although he had a college degree and was brilliant, he never managed to find a suitable/fulfilling job.  (This was largely due to his anxieties and Asperger's though)  But Patrick was much more inclined to live in the moment.  I regret that we were so harsh to him.  He didn't have the future we had hoped he'd discover. Gosh, why did I care that he had too much sugar and fat in his diet or that he didn't change his grubby shirt or that his socks didn't match when he walked out the door or that he didn't comb his hair?  Bless this kid.  Many times he'd fix those silly things because he knew it mattered to me even though he couldn't care less.  What awful things have people said to you Roseypal?  Michael, et all, What things do you regret?

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Roseypal

Good Morning Danielle, and the rest of group,

If we had the opportunity to “redo”, I don’t think there is anyone who wouldn’t change something.  My son Mike had a very bad temper.  He had a type “A” personality and was very successful, hence he expected that from the world.  Because of his very high expectations, he was extremely disappointed in the world, people especially. He took things very personal, and did not hide his feelings about it.  The icing on the cake for him was his wedding.  He invited my whole family.  I have a sister in California who is married with two children, she, her husband, and daughter came, however my older sister who passed away, had two children, a boy and a girl, neither one came, my brother has three girls and a wife, nope, none of them showed up and my youngest sister has two children and a husband, again didn’t show up.  Mike got married 11/2/2019.  He was CRUSHED.  He talked about it constantly.  I regret not saying anything to all of them about how he felt.  He was so disappointed in me, he felt like I didn’t stick up for him to them and he passed away feeling that way.  It breaks my heart every time I think about it.  I don’t know why they all made that decision, the family was splitting before that however I didn’t think it would travel down to my boys.  Families can be tough.  Things really changed when my oldest sister passed away 10 years ago.  It’s never been the same.  My brothers wife has been a real “peach”. My parents passed away in 2020 as well, April and October.  My brother stopped over in January with some papers pertaining to their estate, she sat in the car, didn’t even come in, really?  Then I saw her last month, she asked me how I was doing, I said I don’t think you are ever OK when you lose a child, her response, well you do still have two boys,  WTF,  what does that even mean?  I was so mad,  I wanted to punch her in the face.  You mean to tell me if she lost one of her daughters it would be ok because she would have two remaining.  This is what I am saying, people say such stupid things.  My one friend asked me when I was going to be the way I use to be?   My response was I will never be that person again, she died with Mike.  
I am starting to understand Mike’s disappointed in people more now than I ever have.  I just try and turn a deaf ear when people are saying things that are unacceptable.  That’s all I can do, they don’t get it and I don’t need there words.

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Michael Rodriguez

oh God.....!!! im on the other spectrum of both of you.....we even made a chat group called "our adopted kids" , brian's friends. just last thursday about 10 0f them came for dinner. Fabiola , his girlfriend is always at home. 2 of his "ex" gigi and rebeca come often. and since i am a workaholic , i do not have much of a social life outside work ......so i have not encountered many a...holes that my mess my day up, except for one of my customers that made such a stupid comment , and the worst part was that his own brother lost his only child to leukemia when she was 16.........got even , made him beg before i sold him again. although we are more USA traditionally inclined (thanksgiving, christmas on the 25th, NFL football not soccer) latinos are more caring people and not as cold as a lot of americans 

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Lisa M.

I too have had people make stupid comments.   Like Michael, I go to work each day and shut myself in my office and only come out when I  have to.  I know it's not right,  but I struggle with seeing everyone smiling and joking when I am so miserable.   When we had Don's celebration of life,   I met some of Don's friends.   I'm ashamed to say that I didn't know them, but the all had great things to say about him.  One of my biggest regrets is that, after he moved (about 50 miles away) I  didn't  go out to see him as often as I  probably could have.   I waited  till he got sick to make the journey every day.  I don't have any family left to say hurtful things so I am lucky in that aspect of not hearing bad things being said.  However, at the same time I am saddened  because I  have no family.  It is definitely a double edged sword.   I appreciate all of you being here.  My loss is still so new.  Honestly,  I feel worse now than when he first passed.   I think I was numb in the beginning.   Not really believing it happened.  I was busy taking care of all the details,  taking care of some financial things.  Now that most everything has been taken care of,  I am very raw, emotional and feel somewhat hollow.   Does that make sense?  Somedays I feel like I can't go on. I don't want to burden my daughter with my feelings as she is in her own grief.  We check on each other daily,  but we don't talk about Don yet.  She is  struggling too and will be for a while as they were close. I get sad when I look at the urn, but I  will not put him out of sight.  I am just taking things one day at a time.   Sometimes it feels like one moment at a time but I  will continue to do the best I can each and every day. 

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Roseypal

I agree with you Lisa, it does seem unbearable, and it has definitely gotten harder the more time has passed. Michael, sorry about the misspelling of your name in my earlier post :wacko2:

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Michael Rodriguez
3 hours ago, Roseypal said:

I agree with you Lisa, it does seem unbearable, and it has definitely gotten harder the more time has passed. Michael, sorry about the misspelling of your name in my earlier post :wacko2:

hi rosey .....did not even notice. at the cemetery having a beer with Brian

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Danielle Masata

Hi all.  Every Sunday, I enjoy reading the New York Times Sunday paper, especially special sections.  One of those sections is called "Sunday Styles" and I like Philip Galanes' advice column. Today, a woman wrote about how her grief has continued and wanted advice about how to share that with her stepdaughters.  Her son died 9 years ago of a drug overdose. "He was bipolar and trying to get on with his life after college". She explained that when she goes to family gatherings like weddings, she's overpowered by grief and has to leave these events early which upsets her family.  I was struck by many thoughts, but I wondered particularly about this one: that she thinks "my son is not there and will never be doing these things".  Aside from the fact that my own grief so new and overwhelmingly sad, I wondered how I'll feel in 9 years. I know that Patrick -- who absolutely LOVED his family (parents, brothers, and many aunts/uncles and cousins) more than anything else in the world had an increasingly terrible time at weddings and festive dinners. His anxieties took over and often he had too much alcohol and/or drugs, leaving him wasted and not enjoying these occasions (and for his dad who always stayed by his side) at all.  It was also hard on the hosts and embarrassing for us.  What I realized, when reading this article, was that the mom who wrote for advice may have forgotten to think of her "whole" son.  

This topic was also addressed in the book, "Healing After Loss", July 12th entry: "we may think we are honoring the dead by exaggerating their good qualities and dismissing what was less admirable ..... But it doesn't wash in the long run if we are trying to remember their fullness people we were close to and whom we loved."

I'm still reading the book, "Midnight Library" about what might happen if you could change one aspect of your life and realizing there are downsides in any scenario.   I can't change anything now, but I know that we tried to help Patrick cope in every way possible, including addressing behavior prior and during those special events.  Many times, he and my husband, who monitored him, would end up missing the whole weekend of fun and gatherings -- sometimes in the bathroom with my son, sometimes in the car for hours.  I suspect most of you here have not had these same kind of issues, but it's hard to forget anything but the good. Tempting isn't it, balancing the "fullness" of my son with my grief of loss.  I try to be realistic.  Is it possible to find something positive out of this.  Sad as I am that Patrick is not here, I also know he is at last at peace. During the next event, I will of course think of Patrick but will be glad my husband can at last enjoy the occasion (and it'll be less distracting to the hosts as well).  How about you?  Only sadness and loss as you recall your son?

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Danielle Masata

I’m so disappointed to read some of the things people have said to you Or how family has treated you. Makes the grieving process so much harder. There are times, I wonder, in my delicate state, if I’m misunderstanding what’s spoken. For example, I know my sister didn’t mean to sound harsh. In fact, in retrospect, our conversation simply seemed what we might have said just last year, so in a way, it was “almost” refreshing to NOT talk about death or my grief.

But as you’ve expressed, with words AND actions, there’s little doubt. Some people don’t see how their communication can be interpreted. And some people are so fearful of speaking this sensitive subject that they either blurt out somethings altogether wrong (I’ve done that and probably here) or tiptoe around it. I hope you have a trusted friend or relative who says just the right thing. 

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Michael Rodriguez

if anything i failed him at the end by not taking other decissions!!! yes , he gave us headaches at school ,but overall he was unique.....i have a stepdaughter that got pregnant and the bastard never,ever has even met Victoria...not once!!! Brian became her adopted dad....he went to fathers day gatherings at school ,christmas events ,took care of her always. That was Brian. 

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Danielle Masata

Did we parents truly fail our kids, especially here. We gave them love. We’d never want this result but it’s hard to figure where things could be different. Did we not warn Patrick enough? Did I make a mistake when he was in 5th grade by introducing to him the kid who eventually sold him the drugs that killed him? (23 years later).  Or would Patrick have found him anyway? Patrick needed friends especially then; didn’t he benefit from that companionship? 

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Michael Rodriguez

no, it never crossed my mind that i failed brian while he was with us. he was very open with me and we were very close....closer to me than to his mom. he knew how much i loved him....it was the final decisions that we took that i blame myself for 

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Danielle Masata

oh so unfortunate that you blame yourself for those last decisions.  So sorry.  Patrick certainly decided he could handle the drugs he took too.  Previously, I know he was always so cautious. I blame myself for not hearing my husband call me to help with the CPR.

 

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Michael Rodriguez

hindsight is 20/20 .....we were told by physicians that it had to be done right away ....and it was all this pressure .....and what do i know about medicine...and brian just could not stand the pain in his back ( 3 of his ribs were all dry out) and they had to build a new chest for him out of some kind of kevlar and never got a chance to get a second opinion and here i am blaming myself , which ill do until the day i die  

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Danielle Masata

Oh my goodness Michael!  How can anyone know how dire a problem is.  And then to have to make decisions when all of this is also so uncommon!  Your poor son...  to have such an ailment.  It must have gone on for quite sometime and yet he didn't acknowledge the pain. One time, my husband thought he had a stomach bug and was tempted to not do anything about it, not see a doctor.  Turned out he was having a heart attack. Needed a heart stent immediately, but when the doctor explained the problem, my husband understood the gravity of the problem and could consent.  Michael, you can't blame yourself at all; his doctors however should have conveyed the need for immediate decisions and taken action. They are at fault.

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Roseypal

I have been thinking a lot about what has been said in the last couple post.  I went to witness my girlfriend who has been dealing with jaw/mouth cancer for the past 5 years.  This is the second time she is ringing the cancer free bell.  The road she is on has been unbelievable awful.  The first time they had to completely rebuild her jaw bone, using a bone, muscle, and tissue from her leg.  She also went threw 8 weeks of radiation and chemo.  Two years later the cancer returned with a vengeance.  It now was in her check and tongue.  They removed the cancer on her check and rebuilt it, however they had to completely remover her tongue, they were hoping that would not be the case, however when she was in surgery they realized that the cancer had spread so much that if they didn't remove her tongue the surgery would be in vane.  So, she has not eaten a single thing since March, she feeds herself threw a tube, she cannot talk, and she still has a trachea in.  She just completed 8 weeks or radiation and chemo, so today for the second time she has rung the cancer free bell.  

I wondered how I was going to feel seeing her.  She has been threw so much, and has fought so hard.  I know the doctors have her best interest at heart, and they are trying to guide her in the right direction, however they are human, so they really don't know.  They can only do their best.  Give the best advice with the knowledge they have.  They did tell her though if the cancer comes back, there will be nothing they can do.  

It was great to see her and selfishly I am so glad she is still alive, however I have to wonder what quality of life she has.  I wonder if Mike was spared.  I do not think he would have wanted to be sick, and there was definitely something brewing.  Did Mike do the right thing, ignoring his symptoms, should I have pressed him harder?  How would it have been to watch him suffer?  I don't think there is a right answer to any of this.  We just have to know that no matter what, we loved our Boys and we will spend the rest of our lives missing them.

 

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Danielle Masata

Roseypal, you are a good, true friend to your buddy when she is going through such a difficult time.  Oh my!  I don't know if I would have had the strength, but she is making the effort.  Bless her.  I pray she stays cancer free forever. When you think of such a situation, you think what could be next?  Maybe, the next stage in her case is simply figuring out how to live.  Enjoy each moment for what it is, not what it could have been.  Experience the hugs, the smiles, the love. Hearing the laughter even if she's not able to do the same. If appropriate, please tell her how much we're routing for her success towards a new beginning.

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Michael Rodriguez
12 hours ago, Roseypal said:

I have been thinking a lot about what has been said in the last couple post.  I went to witness my girlfriend who has been dealing with jaw/mouth cancer for the past 5 years.  This is the second time she is ringing the cancer free bell.  The road she is on has been unbelievable awful.  The first time they had to completely rebuild her jaw bone, using a bone, muscle, and tissue from her leg.  She also went threw 8 weeks of radiation and chemo.  Two years later the cancer returned with a vengeance.  It now was in her check and tongue.  They removed the cancer on her check and rebuilt it, however they had to completely remover her tongue, they were hoping that would not be the case, however when she was in surgery they realized that the cancer had spread so much that if they didn't remove her tongue the surgery would be in vane.  So, she has not eaten a single thing since March, she feeds herself threw a tube, she cannot talk, and she still has a trachea in.  She just completed 8 weeks or radiation and chemo, so today for the second time she has rung the cancer free bell.  

I wondered how I was going to feel seeing her.  She has been threw so much, and has fought so hard.  I know the doctors have her best interest at heart, and they are trying to guide her in the right direction, however they are human, so they really don't know.  They can only do their best.  Give the best advice with the knowledge they have.  They did tell her though if the cancer comes back, there will be nothing they can do.  

It was great to see her and selfishly I am so glad she is still alive, however I have to wonder what quality of life she has.  I wonder if Mike was spared.  I do not think he would have wanted to be sick, and there was definitely something brewing.  Did Mike do the right thing, ignoring his symptoms, should I have pressed him harder?  How would it have been to watch him suffer?  I don't think there is a right answer to any of this.  We just have to know that no matter what, we loved our Boys and we will spend the rest of our lives missing them.

 

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reading about all that this lady has gone thru , i wonder if God just spared us from the suffering that was coming forward ....the hardship and some times , after all that you are left that in reality nothing could have been done or the way of life is of total suffering by patient and loved ones.....so who knows ........some times i wish i had an answer.

only thing i know for sure, is that every day that goes by i miss my son even more 

 

 

 

 

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Roseypal

We are never going to stop missing them.  I still miss my husband and its been 21 years. 

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Hi Lisa M. , How are you keeping?   It’s not easy and worse than anything we could have ever imagined, of course it is,  it’s so wrong and out of order.   You are going through the same terrible thoughts and feelings that I have also lived with since my son , David , died.   The shock, the disbelief, the pain .   I think you were asking about the feeling of nausea - for me the constant nauseous state gave way to sudden feelings of shock and nausea out of the blue - as if I’d just been given the terrible news that David had died all over again.  In the last few months that seems to have subsided - I feel quite flat and sad.  I can be more upbeat for short periods when I’m with others, I guess I’m pretending,  but I couldn’t sustain it because it’s not authentic.

My grief has changed over the last 4 years 8months,  it is more controllable,  there is a realisation that it is there forever and I will have to adapt and adjust.  I will never be the same as I was before and I’m sorry for my daughter to have lost that part of me as well as her brother.  I will have to weave my grief into my life but I don’t think I’m there yet.  It still feels very cruel and unfair - my son was a good man .

 To give you some hope , the grief does alter , almost without noticing it,  as we get our heads around this nightmare.  Carol (Mason’s Mom) once said it’s like PTSD - she is right - we become obsessed- going over and over the same awful events .

we are all different and will travel this road at our own pace and ability - I don’t think that we can force anything and should be patient with ourselves.  This is where support groups such as this one can help - so that we don’t feel alone and can speak of our loss without feeling that we are constantly repeating ourselves - we all share and understand.

take care    Roz
 

 

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On the 12th, I woke up more sad than I have been in a while.  Crying the minute my feet hit the floor.   The uncontrollable sadness took over the entire day.   My grandson was to take his driver's test that day,  and he asked his Mom if the could reschedule because he was struggling and didn't think he could focus.   When she told me that, I explained how I was feeling.   I told her I didn't know why this particular day I felt worse than I had in a while.   She then explained it was the twelfth,  exactly 3 months since Donald  had died. I then understood my extreme sadness.   However, I did not understand,  when I didn't even know the date,  that my body somehow knew what day it was.   I continue to struggle with nausea.   I am still in denial I think. My whole world feels upside down. I could go on, but you know exactly what I'm feeling. Right now, it feels like I will never be in control of my emotions.   I'm glad to know, that somewhere down the line, it may be a bit more controllable. If one more person tells me it will get better soon,  I will just scream.  It won't,  I will always be sad.  I will always think of him and I will always miss him terribly. I am so glad you were here this morning.  Since you have a bit more time under your belt, it is good to know what may lie ahead.   Thank you so much for sharing.  I appreciate you. 

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Michael Rodriguez

thanks roz, and lisa,yesterday it was 4 months since i saw B last......and i guess that all the 14th of each month will be a bit more miserable than the other 29 days. sometimes i will get the feeling that im learning to live with the pain and 5 minutes later i burst into tears. i dont know where all these tears come from it had been years since i had shed a tear

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Danielle Masata

Patrick died, of all days and times, on January 6th, just exactly during the time the insurrectionists started invading the US Capitol.  Pure chaos there and in my heart here.  Synonymous events.  As you can imagine, I try to reduce any importance or relevance of the date.

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Eight weeks ago yesterday I lost my 30 Year old son! My son was my entire life everything I did was for him I got that phone call no mother should ever receive and hearing the words that no mother should ever hear that her child is gone! I see no reason to move on I don’t understand how anyone who has lost a child can ever function or be normal again I cry from morning till night!  

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Roseypal

Shel,

Welcome ♥️

This pain is extremely unbearable, we are here whenever you need us.

Sending LOVE, words are worthless.

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Mason’s Mom
1 hour ago, Shel said:

Eight weeks ago yesterday I lost my 30 Year old son! My son was my entire life everything I did was for him I got that phone call no mother should ever receive and hearing the words that no mother should ever hear that her child is gone! I see no reason to move on I don’t understand how anyone who has lost a child can ever function or be normal again I cry from morning till night!  

I am so sorry for your loss, I completely understand how you feel as do the other members on this page.  We have all faced the loss of our child and to say you will ever return to what you think of as normal would be wrong.  I function for my daughters, husband and other family members. I have also made it my mission in life to insure Mason is not forgotten.  I try to do small acts of kindness in his honor.  Sometimes I will tell the person other times it is my secret.  I have stopped and given money to a young mother stranded on the side of the road because she ran out of gas, I did tell her that I did that in my son's honor because he would have been the first to stop and would have made sure she and her children were safe and got what they needed.  Other times I have been in drive-thru and have paid for the car behind me.  We also have a fundraiser and give a yearly scholarship in his honor. I find if I keep myself busy and focus on bringing something positive into the world it helps me.  We all grieve in a different way, sharing your pain with others who understand is  big step in the right direction.  My son has been gone since December 17, 2017 and there are still times when the pain literally brings me to  my knees.  It will get easier to function but normal has not come to me yet . I post and I am a part of the conversation in the group loss of an adult child.  I feel a real connection to several of the people that post over there.

I hope you find peace and comfort soon.

Thanks,

Carol

 

 

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Shel,  welcome.  I lost my son twelve weeks ago.   I am experiencing everything you are.  I am still so raw but this group has helped.  There is no judgment here.  You can share whatever helps.

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Lisa M. The easiest way to get to the page Carol mentioned would be to tap on her photo badge - that will take you to her profile - on the right will be a list of Carol’s posts - pick one with the Loss of Adult Child heading .

If you get stuck - give a shout and we’ll try again     Roz

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Shel,  I am so sorry that you have lost your son .  It is all so new and raw and such an unbelievable agony of body and mind.

It is truly a living nightmare and I’m sure you will be exhausted with the enormity of it all.
Myself and the  people here , sadly,  know only too well what you are going through.

I hope that you have support around you but rest assured that we are here as people who are living through the same devastation as yourself and will try to be of comfort to you .

peace ,  Roz



 

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Michael Rodriguez

shel , my sympathy and welcome to our group. i am michael i lost B (Brian) on april 14 , barely 4 months ago. it is tough to live with , if you call this living, but this group has helped me a lot to cope ....so just keep on coming...,,we are here ....all of us for the same dreadful reason

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Danielle Masata

Welcome to our group that we never envisioned we would someday join.  Like you, we all lost our adult sons.  Patrick was just 33 years old when I discovered the police were upstairs in a futile attempt to revive my son.  (My husband was there first and had called the police/EMS.)  I still relive that moment of shock and hear it again when reading your post.  My whole being had been shattered.  I struggle to move on, but also recognize that the pain is still too new and I am still finding my way out of this dark gloom.  My ultimate sadness is that no one will know my son the way I do and so I try to figure out ways to be sure that doesn't happen.  I find it incredibly helpful to share my stories here.  While my local friends have been supportive, I so appreciate the collective understanding from others here who truly knows the depth of my grief.  Cyber hugs to you.

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I now know that this forum is good for me!  I have read all your replies and my heart breaks over and over as I read each one.  You all know the pain I am in, for you too are all suffering the same horrible pain!  I have a support system but even with their love they do not understand

I can’t imagine living without him   I just exist, that’s all. 

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Michael Rodriguez

shel , my sentiments the same , i exist ........i stopped living the day that B passed. ill wake up , take a shower make it almost all the way till te end of the shower ......than , here comes tear number 1 .....i do have a busy schedule at work , so when i get back to my office and find that you guys have written , it gives me some time to shed some more tears. people will tell you the most stupide remarks , just do not pay any attention......here i am talking since i am an oldy ....im just as new as you are.  

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Michael I completely understand I too have stopped living since my son passed! Every single day every minute every second of the day is a struggle even writing this text is a struggle everything is

I have to put a question out there having lost my only son 30 years old - Am I still a mom? What am I ?  what purpose do I have?

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