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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Danielle Masata

Good morning all.  I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to go to this site, but knowing I had your company and good thoughts made me feel better.  Is that how it is with Patrick too?  He's " out there", just not "here" to hug and hold and talk to. 

Thanksgiving was blur.  It was just the three of us as Patrick's brother Daniel is still on the west coast.  We were busy cooking and going out for a walk, but it also felt like a typical dreary-day November too.  Actually I spent most of the day texting Patrick's gf about the possibility of her coming here.  Never happened because it got too complicated, but I remember how it went last year.  I drove Patrick to her place last year with a full plate of a typical Thanksgiving meal.  I'm so glad to know I did that and only sorry I didn't show my appreciation of her more than that.  While she was a great distraction for him, although he rarely saw her.  The last time she saw her was one of his last "better" days for Patrick, the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  I was so worried about travel back then that I drove Patrick so he didn't have to take the train.  This time last year was such a roller coaster for us.  Everything was locked down and Patrick was reluctant to see his (good) friends due to the risk of Covid (he even skipped a NYE party).  Overdoing drugs (and alcohol) due to his association with drug guys who lived nearby went on and on and kept getting worse until the day Patrick died.

I mentioned to my youngest son that I didn't know about how to celebrate Christmas this year.  He was surprised to hear that.  I explained further and said I wasn't sure I wanted to decorate and he asked, "Why not?"  While I know he thinks of his brother(s) everyday, he is not connecting the holidays with the loss of his brother.  In fact, his suggestion is to remember how much Patrick LOVED all the fun and decorating and gift-giving.  He even helped me more than ever last year.  I clarified this with my husband too.  He's going off to get a Christmas tree as always but if it was something I did before and reluctant to do now, he wouldn't object.  This made me feel better and I hope that can help some of you too.

I was so sad to read that some of you had the opportunity to be with your son as he took his last breath.  I don't know when that actually happened for Patrick, but it was a chaotic day here just as it was in our country, 1/6/2021.  His dad discovered him passed out and began CPR.  He tried calling me, but with the doors closed and my hearing not so good, I never heard him.  We did so much for our son every day of his life, but his last moment will always be one I regret that I wasn't there.  As the ambulance took him to the hospital, where they'd officially declare him, I kept calling out, "Come back Patrick!  Come  back!!!"  I never thought of what I was saying, it was just so instinctive.

So we turn now to today and gearing up for the December holidays.  As I put up the lights on the small tree in the window as Patrick did last year, I will know that Patrick sees that and realize that we're thinking of him.

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Danielle Masata

I am now doubly sad.  I have been feeling SO sad with the upcoming holidays and oh-so ANGRY.  I've now resorted to basic petty anger, frustrated by just about everything even with my dog and yes, she just needs my attention.  Everything around me is collapsing: my health, my computer, my health, my health, my schedules, and my health.  I even lost my wallet.  What an added complication at anytime, but during the top buying time of the year?  an can't my husband come up with silly, stupid ideas?  My kids want to get him something and I can't help them either.  And now it feels as if no one is here.  Anyone else feel this way?  Is it normal in this un-normal year?

Meanwhile, I came up with an interesting idea of how to include Patrick during our traditional "stocking-hanging" time: everyone will stick in his stocking a special thought to him or about him.  I'm sure it will be a sad moment, but it's a response to how sweet he always was about filling everyone's stocking (unlike his brothers).  He usually bought everyone candy.  The stockings will seem barren.

Do you remember the song, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.  Just like the ones I used to know"? Just heard it and of course thinking of the times when the kids were little: playing in the snow, building snow forts and snowmen, shoveling the driveway, sledding, skiing.  Oh they were such happy times. I loved seeing them outside, getting fresh air and exercise.  There I am reminiscing as if it was just yesterday.  I'm going through so many of these emotions because I'm not used to being an empty-nester.  This makes my situation that much harder.  Patrick just didn't want to grow up and I didn't want it either.  Do you do that too?  Go back, not just to 2020, but to when they were little, like twenty or twenty five years ago.

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I get it. I remember feeling that way. I remember actually feeling afraid as Christmas approached, that I would be too sad without John and Jonpaul. But... it turned out to be a lovely Christmas! Everyone brought a memory of them to the table and we shared these. We laughed and probably drank and ate too much, but it wasn't sad.

One thing Danielle, please keep in mind your thoughts create reality to a huge extent. You are literally programming what shows up in your life with your thoughts.  If you think you have poor health, guess what? Poor health. If you tell yourself over and over how sad you are, that will show up as well. Please be more positive, especially about your health. Maybe I can help. What seems to be the problem with your health? Why do you feel like it is collapsing?  

. No, Christmas won't be the same without Patrick, but it can still be special, it can still be lovely. Your husband and other kids. They will show up. And omg, that is a beautiful idea about the special thoughts in Patricks stocking! I love it. I am going to pass it on to other people.

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Michael Rodriguez
1 hour ago, Danielle Masata said:

I am now doubly sad.  I have been feeling SO sad with the upcoming holidays and oh-so ANGRY.  I've now resorted to basic petty anger, frustrated by just about everything even with my dog and yes, she just needs my attention.  Everything around me is collapsing: my health, my computer, my health, my health, my schedules, and my health.  I even lost my wallet.  What an added complication at anytime, but during the top buying time of the year?  an can't my husband come up with silly, stupid ideas?  My kids want to get him something and I can't help them either.  And now it feels as if no one is here.  Anyone else feel this way?  Is it normal in this un-normal year?

Meanwhile, I came up with an interesting idea of how to include Patrick during our traditional "stocking-hanging" time: everyone will stick in his stocking a special thought to him or about him.  I'm sure it will be a sad moment, but it's a response to how sweet he always was about filling everyone's stocking (unlike his brothers).  He usually bought everyone candy.  The stockings will seem barren.

Do you remember the song, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.  Just like the ones I used to know"? Just heard it and of course thinking of the times when the kids were little: playing in the snow, building snow forts and snowmen, shoveling the driveway, sledding, skiing.  Oh they were such happy times. I loved seeing them outside, getting fresh air and exercise.  There I am reminiscing as if it was just yesterday.  I'm going through so many of these emotions because I'm not used to being an empty-nester.  This makes my situation that much harder.  Patrick just didn't want to grow up and I didn't want it either.  Do you do that too?  Go back, not just to 2020, but to when they were little, like twenty or twenty five years ago.

well , you sure got everything out of your chest!!! 

are you really sick?? please let it be just a cold. yes, also go back in time.....everyday ...i can picture B also playing in the snow, scuba diving with his uncles and me..... and Rigo ,his favorite uncle, would tell him that he was never to tell his mom or aunts what we guys talked about!!! of course it was about bikinis and girls. or the battery operated cars that i had to take the battery out and have it charged before he opened it, because he had to ride it right away. 

when he was 3 yrs old i got him his first motorcycle , a pewee ....when he got to first grade , he came home crying because he could not ride a bicycle.....believe me i go thru every memory.....really miss him so much

 

 

 

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Mason’s Mom

Danielle,  I often think of Mason as  younger kid. I have said many times that grief is exhausting,  we try to act like we are okay most of the time.  It is what people expect.  I think that most grieving parents do suffer from health problems.  We don't take care of ourselves as we did in the past. I look in the mirror and I am shocked at how much I have aged, wrinkles and hair loss. I didn't go to a hair salon for months after losing Mason,  just let it grow because I didn't have the energy to make myself look better.  Had so much going on, my husband and daughter's suffered with health issues and my strength and energy was spent on them. I like the stocking idea. On Mason's Birthday the first year after we lost him, I asked everyone at his birthday dinner to an act of kindness in his honor,  it would be up to each person to share why they did the act of kindness or it could be a private moment between them and Mason. 

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This is so hard, yesterday I had a complete and total breakdown.  I’m trying, that’s all I can do.  Thinking about you all.085C2CF4-DD8C-4ECC-A690-5C6D9A01CA0F.jpeg.0f95458732684eb84fe9114c324f1108.jpeg

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Dear Rosiepal I hear and feel your pain that’s why we were here for you all the time 24 hours a day!  The holidays are killing me I feel like my life is falling apart but I’m glad that you’re there to listen to me I am always there to listen to you always sometimes I may not write back right away because the pain is too deep and I can barely write through my tears but I’m thinking of you and all of you out there.  Rosiepal I am  here for you remember that!

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Danielle Masata

Hi all.  Still haven't found my wallet, but the important credit cards have been cancelled and new ones are arriving. (Oops, better get another insurance card too.)  And my health?  Starts with my Type1 diabetes.  Oh what a hassle this is!  The rest is really fine.  Just lots of doctors to see this time of year.  What else doesn't go away?  My Seasonal Affective Disorder.  These dark dreary grey skies are just oppressive.  Time to drag out the special UV lamp.  Someone on here (Lisa maybe?) is from Alaska.  Their doubly dark days would be wicked for me.  I always cheer when I get past the winter solstice.  That means the darkest days have passed.  My computer hassle actually got worse.  Paid for a special security system but then found out my old one won't permit it.  But I can't delete the old one cuz it's somehow messed up.  I finally gave up after two Apple support techs also threw up their hands.  My husband suggested I simply stop worrying about it (he's much more calm than I am) and don't do any online banking.

Christmas shopping is almost done too.  Came up with a great gift idea for my husband that my youngest appreciated learning about.  He collects seafood in our ocean waters for the Seven Fishes Christmas Eve meal and will get a special chocolate gift that my husband raved about this summer.

See? My emotions are a roller coaster these days!  Thx for your kind thoughts.

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Michael Rodriguez

rosey i hope today is better than the last two.....and we all know that next week will be very tough for you and, just as shel , we are all here for you; too at least share our feelings.....all of our "adopted children " ( B's closest friends came to dinner last nite ....had to kick them out at about 1:00 am ....I have to get up at 4:30 to get ready for work!!!! but we had a great time , they were and still are a very close knit of friends that i am proud to say that it was my son that pulled them all together ......all of them are professionals with very promising careers and believe me, you can not tell .....once they gather together they look like if they were just kids from high school....it was a good time but with a huge lump in m y throat  

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That’s awesome Michael, I’m glad you had that. It’s amazing to me how late young people can stay up, I was like that once, not anymore, lol ❤️

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Danielle,  we only have 5 hours of daylight right now in Alaska. I go to work in the dark and go home in the dark.  That is one of the reasons I had to "REPORT" to Don when I got to work and when I  got home.  He knew exactly how long it would take for me to drive home and if I didn't call within 5 minutes  I  got a call with a scolding.  He would always say "Thank you, now I can relax".  I have been in Ak for 41 years so I am used to it but it does mess with your mind a bit.  Next week is Don's birthday.  I am already not doing well.  Roseypal,  I too have had a major meltdown.   I  sometimes feel like I just can't go on. He was such a big part of each and every day.   I miss the Check ins and the lunch chats.  I just want the holidays to fly by.  People at work are all happy  for Christmas  and decorating their offices.  I am not there.  I don't want any decorations.  They ask how I am doing and my standard answer is that I  am just trying to get through one day at a time.  To think beyond that is too overwhelming.   Every single one of you are on my mind and in my heart.  Thank you for always being here for me.

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Lisa we’re all in the same boat we’re here for each other no one Unless they have lost a child can understand the severe enormity of the pain!  I am here in Florida with no family it’s hard to get out of bed it’s hard to brush my teeth it’s hard to do anything on a daily basis let alone around the holidays! 

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning to all ....here at work , running away from the stillness of our home .......PTRETENDING THAT ITS OK , BUT MY HEART SILENTLY SCREAMING IN PAIN!!!!

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Good morning Michael for some reason I woke up the exact same way I wanted to throw up all I wanna do is cry I still am not OK with all this mess I miss my son Blake so much I blame myself for everything maybe I should’ve done this maybe I should’ve done that I want my son back! Michael we’re in this together we all are we need each other!

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Danielle Masata

Don't you just hate it when folks ask, "How are you doing?"  I don't want to think about how I'm doing.  Terribly, I want to say.  And sometimes I do.  But do I always want to be a tragic person?  Maybe I am, but I don't want sympathy.  What I really want instead is Empathy.  Then maybe you wouldn't ask how I'm doing.

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Having another bad day guys photo of my son Blake came up on my phone it was almost like it was so real that I could just reach out and touch him my days done now just sitting here crying

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Michael Rodriguez

you know Shel i have B as my screen saver and also in my app screen and it was hard at the beginning but now im used to constantly looking at him ....i have  several of his pictures on my desk and i talk to him constantly when im alone in my office , listen to his playlist , yes it gives a lump in my throat but i feel close to him. dont feel bad to see blake , with that huge smile of his . he is your son and you miss him but he is yours 

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Michael you are so right on target with everything and you’re my savior today thank you for that because I’m just on the verge of tears today.  Do you know Michael Blake’s funeral all anyone talked about was Blake smile he worked for the Philadelphian fire department as a paramedic and they did stream it live and I never really remember much of his funeral because I was so medicated and so out of it I just started to watch a few minutes at a time and I can’t believe how much he was loved by the Philadelphia fire department!

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Michael Rodriguez
19 minutes ago, Shel said:

Michael you are so right on target with everything and you’re my savior today thank you for that because I’m just on the verge of tears today.  Do you know Michael Blake’s funeral all anyone talked about was Blake smile he worked for the Philadelphian fire department as a paramedic and they did stream it live and I never really remember much of his funeral because I was so medicated and so out of it I just started to watch a few minutes at a time and I can’t believe how much he was loved by the Philadelphia fire department!

well, im glad i was of some help !!!!

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Shel, I get it. It happened to me many times. Jonpaul would show up in a picture. I asked people to send me their pics of him and they came in for years after his passing. Sometimes the light around him seemed changed, as if he was bathed in light. I saw this as a metaphor and it would knock me to my knees. But... this is how spirit works. Blake is trying to reach you right now, to tell you he is okay and he is sending you love. You should go see a medium. Do a blind reading, where you give a fake name, address, etc and don't tell the medium who you want to hear from. This way when Blake shows up you will know it is really him. 

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What an absolutely wonderful idea Michael I am going to do that thank you for being there for me today it’s been a rough one sending hugs

I meant to say JJ Flowers my apologies thank you for everything

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Greetings everyone!

I wanted to share my experience with my husband John's passing and then, eleven months later our son Jonpaul. These were the two brightest lights in my life. This is what happened when I went to see the medium Bill Phillips. I think it will help lift your spirits and your hearts. I am sending you each love and wishing you comfort and joy in your memories during the holiday season.

Bill Phillips (1) (2).docx

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This is really knocking my socks off, Friday will be one year that Mike left.  Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe.  Im trying to stay busy, it's a huge effort.

Christmas is such a hard time of year anyways, I feel like this is making it impossible.  I wish this storm would go away.

 

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Michael Rodriguez
42 minutes ago, Roseypal said:

This is really knocking my socks off, Friday will be one year that Mike left.  Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe.  Im trying to stay busy, it's a huge effort.

Christmas is such a hard time of year anyways, I feel like this is making it impossible.  I wish this storm would go away.

 

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it has been 8 months today  since B left ......so i also feel like crap .....im re-living every single minute of april 14 over and over again !!

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Michael I understand when you say that you can’t breathe that’s how I get almost every day where I feel like I can’t breathe! Sometimes I feel like I’m not even in reality anymore my life is change so drastically every part of it I will we say I wish I could go back a year ago when Blake was still alive I would do so many things differently! Why is this happening to all of us why can’t we have our children back!

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Mason’s Mom

Friday, December 17th is also the day we lost Mason. 4 years ago and I am struggling as well. 

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Mason's mom, I knew we had the same day, I was going to mention that, just never did.  

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Roseypal,  I’ll be thinking of you on Friday .  I know it is incredibly painful - I had the 5th anniversary of my David’s death a few weeks ago .  Comfort to you.  Roz

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Tomorrow will be six months since Blake left this world! I had a total breakdown today and I’m embarrassed to say it got so bad that my neighbor had to call 911 I was in very bad shape the paramedics spoke with me and since my son was Also a paramedic they listened To me talk about my son in lengthwhile they try to access my physical well-being and they were all wonderful they all hugged me and held me and told me I have the right to feel the way I feel because it’s a unnatural to have a child leave this world before the parent!   They were all wonderful and then hours later after their shift they knocked on my door and they brought me chicken soup to make sure I had something in my stomach and they stayed And we talked for a long while.  they wanted me to know that they were in tears when they left My house earlier-wanted to  Make sure I was OK!

 

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Mason’s Mom

Shel,  sorry you had such a hard day.  When I read how kind paramedics were to you, it helps to be reminded of the good 8n humanity. 

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Tomorrow is Don's birthday.   I have had a major breakdown this evening.  Couldn't catch my breath.  I am fearful of Tomorrow.   He's been gone 7 months and the pain is unbearable

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Lisa M I’m thinking about you on Don’s birthday I know your heart is breaking and I’m here crying with you Blake’s birthday is on January 4 It used to be a wonderful day I would look forward to now it’s just Full of sadness.   I’ll be with you in spirit all day Lisa M

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Roseypal,  I’ll be thinking of you on Friday .  I know it is incredibly painful - I had the 5th anniversary of my David’s death a few weeks ago .  Comfort to you.  Roz

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Lisa ,  Don’s birthday will be a day of yearning- that is sad as it is a good thing that he was born and lived.   Try to hang on to that - not easy , I know. 
I have come to acknowledge David’s birthday  by stepping outside and shouting out  to him.  I try not to dwell  but say how lucky I was to have him.   There is no denying how painful it is to not have them with us to share their birthday but this is still his birthday and there will be other dates for you to fear and dread.  ( some people on the other site lost their child on the same day as their child’s birthday - that is truly cruel)  

You will deal with it as best you can - after all , every day is full of sadness and pain .  Parents find the most appropriate way for them to mark their lost child’s birthday and I’m sure you will too.  One lady used go out to somewhere new to have an ice cream each year ( something her daughter loved to do) - she was telling how she went into the shop to order her ice cream and the owner was shouting out her daughter’s name - also the name of his assistant but an unusual name so still quite surprising .  Made her happy.   Others carry on with  birthday gatherings as before .   Mine is very simple and personal but eventually I want to be able to think of the date as a blest one.   Roz

 

 

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Shel,  That sounds like an awful experience for you.  So glad that you received such kindness - your son would have been proud of them.

I hope that your feeling a little steadier today.  Take care . Roz

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Michael Rodriguez

morning (or evening for some) .....it seems we have been having some real rough days lately .....and we all knew it was going to happen with the holidays. today i will leave early , pickup a pizza from one of those small pizza shops and take it to father Tony along with over 100 gifts that will be delivering at an orphanage...... was able to get some good deals at Walmart so im sure they will be happy,,,,,only hiccup is that father Tony loves anchovies !!!!! 

Lisa, Shel , Roz all of you guys , remember we are here to support each other , we all carry the same ´pain ......i was listening to one of B´s favorite songs yesterday , its called "catch and release " by matt simmons , it has been one of my favorites also but i have never went into the lyrics as i did yesterday coming back from work ....tghe words are basically B !!!!

if you ever have a chance, try to listen to it , it is a really nice song 

 

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Danielle Masata

Oh we are all in such pain!  Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays.  Aren't they supposed to be full of happy times and songs?  It's hard to remember that.  Thanks Michael for the song to listen to.  I remember last year, just a week after Patrick passed that I went to the beach, was sitting on the bench, and this guy came by, singing in a sweet voice the song "Take your burden to the Lord and leave them there".  It was SO weird.  For all my life, I've gone to the beach and I've never, ever, ever heard someone singing.  That's the really strange thing that I'm finding.  I spoke with a woman yesterday who was helping me with replacing my lost library card and she suggested I ask Patrick to send me a sign.  She said it really does happen.  I just need to look for it.

Happy birthday Don.  I'll be thinking of you Lisa and Roseypal. Shel, your post about the paramedics was so lovely and heartfelt.  Lovely they were so kind and especially that they came back and just let you talk.  It's a relief to just vent.  My newest hassle: my computer was hacked and everyone is now writing to me and worrying wondering if they should send money to help my friend's son with cancer.  I just need a break for all these added annoyances (still dealing with problems with my lost wallet) when already I feel so overwhelmed.

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Danielle:

Yes, omg, that was a sign, you on the beach and the stranger singing: Take your burdens to the Lord and leave them there. How beautiful is that? Thank you for sharing. And do ask for more signs. You will see Patrick will start sending them. The way it works is he will see what you think is a sign and build from there, to let you know he is okay, he is sending love. 

And Michael, what a lovely thing to do, taking gifts to a orphanage. You are a very special person. I just listened to Catch and Release and omg, it is haunting. Especially knowing it came from Brian.  

One time Jonpaul said, Mom, mom, you have to listen to this song. The lyrics are poetry and sad.  Runaway Train by Soul Asylum.  It was never a popular song but after he passed I heard in CVS, the supermarket, Whole foods. It still makes me cry.

 

 

 

 

 

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There was a song that came on the radio on the way to my mother's funeral.   I have always loved Unchained Melody.  It is an older song so its not one you hear all the time.  On days when I am really struggling that song will come on.   I feel that is a sign from  my Mom that she is with me.   I am waiting for a sign from Don.  Maybe I  am just to raw right now to focus on that.

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Michael Rodriguez

i believe that music is the way that B reaches out to me.....and believe me it is not that im going nuts !!!! ill start my mornings with news , but as soon as i get bored i go to my playlist in spotify ....i share a lot of songs w B .......one of the singers we both enjoyed is Zack Brown , and one specific song "chicken fried" ......have no idea how often ill be searching for him and chicken fried pops up.....after i left the orphanage , that was the first song on my car , and i am sure i was halfway thru some other song when i got out of the car ......at least i hope

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Danielle Masata

JJ, the song i heard that day on the beach was just weeks after Patrick had passed.  I had to write down the song's title because I had never heard it before, but I knew it meant something.  (I hope those reading here will listen to it!)  

Around that same time, I also saw this huge, I mean HUGE!!! white goose at the beach also.  Must have stood over 4-feet tall!  I had never seen it before.  There was a man nearby who explained that the goose had been hanging around there for awhile  (maybe just when Patrick had died?) and he thought the goose wasn't doing well.  He called the town police to move it to a safer area since it was hanging around a parking lot and didn't want to see the bird cause an accident.  I'm annoyed with myself that I didn't take a photo of the goose, but what's really wild is that Patrick always called my dog "Double Goose!!!".  Usually my dog, who was with me at the time would be frightened of this huge animal, or at least bark but she never did.  She was curious, but not frightened.

I told my youngest son about the goose.  He suggested this was the goose that Patrick brought home once and tried to raise.  I forget how Patrick found that goose years ago.  We live near a park and quite possibly he discovered this little baby bird looking for its mother.  We kept it in our garage for a time, but eventually it escaped. Wouldn't that be wild that years later, it shows up?

I keep hoping for more signs, but those I mentioned were noticed shortly after Patrick passed and I haven't witnessed anything recently.  I'm hopeful he's right here on my shoulder; we miss him so.  I have been so sad today.  He loved Christmas and was such a help with its build-up - the decorating, the gift-giving ideas, the encouragement to make baked goods.  It was always, "Mom, can you make that sausage coffee cake Christmas morning again this year?"  He had such favorites!  It pains me to take out all the Christmas stuff that I keep in my storage bins year after year too.  Did I put them away before he died on January 6th?  Last year was such a blur.

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Danielle what a wonderful story And I’m sure Patrick was there with that goose on that beach with you!

This is been a terrible time for all of us every day seems to get harder and harder and there’s times I can’t even breathe the pain is so great we’re here for each other 24 7

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