Loss of adult son

[Danielle Masata]

Lisa, that's right.  You did it!!!  And what a great photo it is.  SO HANDSOME!!  And what a special moment in time.  Thank you for sharing.

[Roseypal]

Yesterday was a very rough day

[Lisa M.]

You are in my thoughts Rosey.

[Roseypal]

Thank You, I feel the same, I think of you all every day, it's comforting to know I am not alone.

[Danielle Masata]

11 hours ago, Roseypal said:

Thank You, I feel the same, I think of you all every day, it's comforting to know I am not alone.

Absolutely agree Roseypal.  I said as much to a friend when we went out for a walk the other day: that I felt alone since I didn't know anyone else who has lost a child.  I am always grateful to have found this site although as Groucho Marx what once said, "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." 

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning,i agree on groucho marx remarks.....but , at least i, have found a bunch of shoulders to cry on. without personally knowing you guys ,you have become probably my closest friends ,,,,we are able to handle talking about how bad we feel and express our selves with our true feelings. most people, at least the ones i know, dont want to hear me or see my sad face day after day !!!

they dont care to hear me talk about B , they have moved on .....you guys understand that we exist but we stopped living the day they left.

[Lisa M.]

I agree.  I feel most people who ask how I am really don't care to hear the real answer.  They are just going through the motions. I got so tired of hearing "it will get better soon" that now  I just respond with I'm taking it one day at a time.  I am still so raw.  It's  been almost 4 months and I still feel those last days at his bed side like it was yesterday. I can still hear him taking his last breath and the look on his face.  I just hurt all over.  Thank you all for being here to listen.  You mean the world to me.

[Danielle Masata]

Today I went to the grocery store and every aisle I went down, found one item after another that I know Patrick would have loved.  He was a real foodie, despite being so thin.  He especially loved to tease me about the spicy foods he liked.  The spicier the better.  Once we went to an Indian restaurant and he tried an entree, Chicken Vindaloo (or lamb?) with goan sauce, curry and super hot spices.  It was SO hot Patrick could barely eat it, but enjoyed it thoroughly for leftovers later. He'd order again and again when we went back to that restaurant.  Don't you know, I saw this dish at the grocery store today, Fiery Chicken Vindoloo with Goan sauce and practically burst in tears right there in Trader Joe's.  

So many little memories.  It's been 8+ months, but every memory or episode I recall seems as clear to me as if it happened yesterday.  All I could do was quietly talk to him about that trip as I drove home and relay how much I hope he gets those treats now.  Oh how I loved to spoil him.  He just loved it when I went shopping there.

[Michael Rodriguez]

i just had one of those moments.....ever so often it will hit me real hard that B is no longer here. i know he is gone , but , sometimes the realization is so much harder to bare ..so i went for a drive to a small grocery/gas station place and had a home made ice cream cone,,,,,vanilla. God, do we miss our kids ....but i guess we got to be grateful for the time we had them , because it means how much we loved them and our lives have become so miserable with out them .....so that time they were with us they made our world go round and round

[Danielle Masata]

Thank you Michael.  I also want to add to your comment, if I may: "God, do we miss our kids ....but i guess we got to be grateful for the time we had them , because it means how much we loved them and our lives have become so" much richer because of who they helped us become.  My son struggled so much when he was alive, not medically, but in every other way possible.  As my youngest son said at Patrick's Eulogy when he spoke about trying to find a meaning to Patrick's loss: "that we should all trust people fearlessly, as if every stranger had our backs. And that we should love as wholeheartedly as Patrick did, even when it’s confusing and painful, and it was for him a lot of the time."  I don't know if I could trust people fearlessly and love as wholeheartedly if I hadn't had a child like Patrick who showed me how.

[Lisa M.]

I am having a rough day today.   It has been 4 months today and it is still so fresh in my mind.   Every sound, every word, every feeling.   I  just miss him so bad.

[JJ Flowers]

Lisa, I am so sorry. You are going through the hardest thing on earth, a mom losing her child. If I could I would just hug you and cry with you. I get it. (I lost my son Jonpaul at age 23 and there is not a day I don't miss him.)  I don't know if this will help, but sometimes if you shift your thought slightly, away from missing to remembering.  Picture them in your mind's eye; see them as their best self. Then, remember the time you felt the most love for them. Relieve that memory in detail. Then remember the time you felt the most love for them. (Can be a different memory.) Imagine your love as a glittering white light. Picture this light following over your loved one. Now, talk to them. Tell them how much you miss them, how you would give ANYTHING to throw your arms around them one last time. Tell them you love them. 

Sometimes this helps.

If you send me your email address, I will send you the e copy of a book Grief Is Love. My email is jaejflowers@gmail.com

I am thinking of you; you are in my prayers.

 

 

[Changed]

Oh Lisa, it is so horrible and painful - the fact that there is nothing to be done to change what has happened is agony.    It really is still very raw for you .  For such a long time I hoped each morning as I awoke that it wouldn’t be true - that it had been a nightmare and my son, David, was where he should be.   It took a long time to accept that it was real on a deep level but even now , after 4yrs9mths , I can still be thoroughly shocked ,it coming out of the blue , by the thought  that Dave has died as if it’s news. .   
Your head and heart will be all over the place and I don’t think that there is a lot you can do to change that right now.   You can help yourself physically by getting good nutrition and keeping hydrated , which is probably the last thing you feel like caring about .   A lot of what is ahead will carry you along without you realising it - sometimes you will feel a little stronger and sometimes a backwards step.      Everyone grieves differently because we are all different but I have heard time and time again on this site how similar each experience has been - greater in intensity in one than another or a completely different time scale -   I wish there was something, anything, I could say to make you feel easier but the most comfort I have found is by being with the others here who have gone along the same rotten road.   I felt less singled out and better understood, especially as elsewhere I was expected to be ‘recovering’  .

The time you had with your son at the end is very precious, I didn’t get to be with my boy , but we both carry them with us forever.  Peace to you,  Roz

[Lisa M.]

Roz, I do cherish my last moments with Don.  I got to be with him as he peacefully left this earth.  A month after he passed I got a tattoo in his memory.   The signature is actually his signature that I took from a letter he wrote to me. It helps me to see it.

[Danielle Masata]

Oh Lisa, I'm so very sorry you had a tough day today. Remembering what day it is, remembering those last few days before he passed.  I get it. Of all days, Patrick passed on 1/6/21, the day of the insurrection on the Capitol.  The chaos that was going on in DC was probably the exact time chaos that ensued here at our house.  Miserable.  I'm so reluctant to tell people the exact day, just because, so I'm vague about it.  I like JJ's suggestion to think instead of good memories and the good, happy times.  Just as Roz wrote, I have momentary troubles too, coming to the realization that the son I cared so deeply about is not a part of my world now.  How can it be? I love the tattoo you had made of Don's signature.  I wear a pendant of Patrick's thumbprint the funeral home preserved for us.

[JJ Flowers]

Another thing that really helps is the understanding that they are still here, their love. They are now spiritual beings. YOu can communicate with them. Everytime you are lost in a loving memory, they zoom in, connecting to you. They will grasp your thoughts. Their love is still very much here. They can even help you. Ask for a sign after relieving the memories and when you feel the energetic power of your love. Even if you don't believe, it will sill work, because your soul understands. Once you begin experiencing this connection, it eases the ache in your heart. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

11 hours ago, Lisa M. said:

Roz, I do cherish my last moments with Don.  I got to be with him as he peacefully left this earth.  A month after he passed I got a tattoo in his memory.   The signature is actually his signature that I took from a letter he wrote to me. It helps me to see it.

lisa i really like it....i have to get one done also on my left arm.....it so nice.

[Roseypal]

Good Morning,

This has been and exceptionally hard week for me.  Not sure if it's because fall is on its way and that was Mike's favorite time of year, or if its because my girlfriend who has cancer was told they can no longer help her and she has weeks/months to live.  Her cancer is back in her throat which is inoperable and she has a tumor on her right shoulder.  Six long years of fighting to live and she is going to die anyways.  I am beside myself with grief.  I also miss Mike so much, he is in my everyday life, some how, some way, I try and keep him with me, but, I really, really, miss him, more and more each day.

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

its funny how everything else in life , as time goes by, you easily stop missing .....but , as i tell people that are stubborn and nimcomputs , as time goes by the pain just increases more and more ////i know im still a newbie (only 5 months) but i feel the pain ever so much harder to bare  

[JJ Flowers]

Michael, I get it and boy is it true. I a m so sorry you are going through this. (I lost my son Jonpaul and his dad in the sweep of eleven months) Grief changes and shape shifts day to day, month to month, year to year and it never stays the same. But the more you can see it is a gift, that you had this beautiful bright light in your life for this many years, that this love is ALL that. matters and you had it, the better off you will be. Grief Is Love. It is the price we pay for our love.

 Another thing that really helps is the understanding that they are still here, their love. If possible visit a medium, but only a good one, someone who can connect you to their spirit. This too, is a powerful, life changing experience.

Picture them in your mind's eye; see them as their best self. Then, remember the time you felt the most love for them. Relieve that memory in detail. Then remember the time you felt the most love for them. (Can be a different memory.) Imagine your love as a glittering white light. Picture this light following over your loved one. Now, talk to them. Tell them how much you miss them, how you would give ANYTHING to throw your arms around them one last time. Tell them you love them. 

Finally, this book might help. griefislovebook.com (It is free.)

 

[Lisa M.]

Michael, I  too feel the pain so much worse now than before.  It's  been 4 months for me.  While I  try to focus on good memories,  it will take a quick turn when I  realize we will never do those things again.   I have had a rough week as well.  Unsure what has triggered this.  I am going to take the advice of someone I recently had the privilege of corresponding with and do some volunteer work at our homeless shelter.  I need to stay busy.  You are all in my thoughts. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

well jj , i think we are all going thru "these" pain!!!! really would just love to run away .....i wish i had no obligations , no work to come every morning .....and just leave 

[Roseypal]

I can relate, I was thinking how do I get out of the Holidays, just can't wrap my head around celebrating without Mike, especially Thanksgiving.  Mike loved everything about Thanksgiving.  And I also agree with as time goes on, things seem to get better, but not this, this is getting worse, harder, sadder, lonelier.

I would like to run away too.

[Michael Rodriguez]

14 hours ago, Roseypal said:

I can relate, I was thinking how do I get out of the Holidays, just can't wrap my head around celebrating without Mike, especially Thanksgiving.  Mike loved everything about Thanksgiving.  And I also agree with as time goes on, things seem to get better, but not this, this is getting worse, harder, sadder, lonelier.

I would like to run away too.

well it is for sure two of us !!!! and i am sorry ....it should have been "this" painn

[Danielle Masata]

I keep thinking I'm "doing well" and not being too morose, sad, and depressed.  And then I find myself startled by something and that brings me to my senses and realize I'm in deep thoughts about Patrick. My latest concern is that people will forget about him.  He was a quiet guy ..... rarely initiated a conversation, but always had great analytical thoughts when discussing a topic. Will others remember just how thoughtful he was, despite how subtle he could be?  Will they recall the little acts of kindness he'd provide, like the time his gf was upset as they waited to be seated at a restaurant, so she left.  Later that day, he got her a beautifully decorated cupcake to see her smile again.

The other day, when poking in his room, I discovered a journal he started when he first joined an addiction-support group last November.  He didn't write much, only 1 1/2 pages, but it broke my heart that he wanted to make changes.  He admitted certain "connections" were a bad influence.  And yet it wasn't the drugs or alcohol that he was addicted to, but to his need to be with others. That's what killed him.  Of course these lowlifes never wrote a condolence card or attended his memorial service or even posted anything in Facebook.  Nothing.  Like him meant nothing.  I'm not sure if that makes me sad or angry.  By contrast, one sweet friend of his sent me a wind chime and my friends still write to tell me how they're thinking of me.  It's just too quiet here without him.  He took so much of our time and energy and constant worries; it's an emotion that's hard to fill.  At least I'm comfortable coming here to write about my feelings (thank you for listening), but I worry about my husband.

[JJ Flowers]

Danielle,

I get ti. Like you, I remember thinking I was doing okay, that omg, I am not going to be broken and then, I would see something or a memory would emerge and there I was, a puddle of tears. Please don't worry that people will 'forget' him, they won't. We always keep the memory of people we lost in our lives close and besides you and your husband are the ones that matter. The pages in the notebook represent his better self, his true self, the one that he is now. Always know that. Drugs and alcohol take this better self away, but only for a time. And also those 'low lifes', forgive them. "They know not what they do', their minds are consumed with drugs and alcohol and let's face it, they are very sad people who have troubled lives. 

I do think you need to add something to your life now, something you love and that is positive. I know he would want you to do this.
I remember the first time I ventured outside after I lost my son. My mom and I took the dogs to the beach. Everything was fine, until I happen to see this giant Easter egg pink rose in someone's garden, It was hanging over the fence, the size of a basketball. The most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. I knew Jonpaul directed me to see it, to really see it.  Upclose, I saw that one of the petals had a frayed edge. It is like all of us, like your son and mine. Their souls are so beautiful, and the small frayed edge of a petal, the faults we all have, cannot detract from the whole. 

I am rooting for you Danielle, I really am. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i remember telling B's friends at his wake to please never forget him......came with mariachis and we opened a couple of bottles of tequila for his farewell . i think we have to come to terms , that the only ones that will always remember them will be mom and dad,,,,,, just go back and think of all the people that , over the years have passed, and when wa the last time you thought about them. same thing will happen with our kids ....friends will move , build families and will be too busy with their own lives. but they will have our love , unconditional , forever !!!

[JJ Flowers]

I don't know. Jonpaul's best friend still thinks of him every day and I hear from so many others that they still think of him all the time and it has been almost ten years. But I know Jonpaul has already reincarnated and he is living a different life now. They say it is not that we have other lives, but hundreds of them. The point is to make the very most out of each life; help as many people, love as many people as you can.

[Roseypal]

To be honest, I am surprised how little I hear from people, of course I am not making myself available either.  It’s hard for me to be around when everyone is so happy, socializing like everything is great, and they should.  I am the one who has changed.  When I do allow myself to be around, I want to be with people who don’t even know me, that way I don’t have to pretend everything is good.  I also have my very close girlfriends, I am comfortable with them, but most especially my boys, I absolutely love being around them. Other than that, it’s especially hard for me to socialize and because of that my circle of friends and family is slowly dwindling.  I really, really miss Mike.

[Roseypal]

[Michael Rodriguez]

 i do not mean it that way.....all his friends showed up over the weekend......but eventually ....it will be mom and dad

[JJ Flowers]

Michael, this is true, but eventually we all fade into time and space, you know? Even the treasures of the Louvre will someday be stardust. Do you ever think about the spiritual realm or do you believe we go kaput at the end of our lives?

[Danielle Masata]

One aspect that makes me especially sad is the lost potential.  Patrick was such an amazing writer, although he never really pursued that after high school.  We always wished he did. Like many things about this kid, he simply never had the belief that he was any good.  But at his memorial service, I had a table of many of his writings and many were stunned by his talents.  I also shared his writings with the priest before his service and he read one of his essays at the service.  In a similar way, I'm so sorry he never had a child of his own to carry on his legacy.

JJ-- oh my!  Ten years.  I'm not sure about reincarnation because that also implies they were another life form before birth, but I do feel Patrick (and my mom) are nearby and listening now.

[JJ Flowers]

OOO, I know what you mean, lost potencial. That is the least discussed, and important aspect about losing a child. I love that you recognized that Patrick was a writer (on the soul level) and who knows what beautiful writing was in him? Jonpaul was brilliant (he got the rare perfect score on the Army intelligence test) and he loved classical music. I feel his lost potential as well.

 

Danielle, one book that really helped me was Journey of Souls by Dr. Michael Newton. It really rocked my world. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Danielle Masata]

Thank you JJ.  I'll have to look up that book. When I can, and have them nearby, I'll have to post some of his writing.  Patrick was so analytical, so insightful. His writing was so deep, even at such a young age.

This has been a REALLY, really difficult day.  It's my birthday.  I missed my son coming in this morning, singing Happy Birthday with a breakfast tray (cereal, coffee, cards, and presents) as he has for the last 33 years. And I missed his singing this evening as i blew out the candle on my birthday cake.  To add to the stress, I thought I was all set reserving a house in FL for 6 weeks (mid-Jan-February), with emails from the owner saying I had been "pre-approved until 5:00pm tonight", and the ok to bring my dog, and the owner confirming he got my "assume we're coming" and "Booked!" emails ... until my request was rejected as I tried to pay.  The house had been booked online and no longer available.  Oh what a lousy year this promises to be.  I can't even take a vacation to get away.

[Roseypal]

Happy Belated Birthday Danielle.  My birthday is coming up in October, I am already sad about it.  The last two years I celebrated with Mike, even though he lived in Chicago, he was with me.  Everyday is hard, but the special ones, the ones we definitely made an effort to share together are especially hard.

I think about you all every day.  

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy birthday danielle !!!! well, we know it is not going to be happy , but try to enjoy as much as you can......BTW if you can get to florida for thoe 6 weeks they are other options in the caribbean ......and much cheaper ....we have the bay islands , there is belize , costa rica , the bahamas.....with what you spend in florida you can travel for 6 weeks and really enjoy ......we used to spend a lot of time in roatan diving .....once, when B was 4 he got lost on me and i was going crazy .....found him sitting down in a dive shop.for years , B and i would fly late friday and come back early monday straight to work ..... do 3 or 4 dives over the weekend. one time navy seals were training w honduras elite troops and we got a chance to take a dive with them ......flipped back from the boat at about 50 mph ....what an experience !!!! you go 60 feet in a few seconds thru a cloud of white water that just drags you in....super exciting....i miss my son and all we did together 

[Lisa M.]

Happy birthday  Danielle.  I know it's not the same and never will be, but I hope you are enjoying some good memories.   My birthday will never be the same either.  I picked up my son's ashes on that day.  His wife told me that he had a surprise party planned for my day.  He passed a week before, but I  will hold on to the memory of him wanting to do something so sweet for me when he was feeling so poorly.   I miss him so much.  Thinking of you all.

[Danielle Masata]

Thanks for all your HB wishes.  When my youngest son called, singing the "Happy Birthday to you" song, I just cried.  I feel most comfortable talking with him about Patrick.  Not my husband, who keeps those thoughts to himself.  Not to my middle son who already has many struggles and lives far from us.

It's just not right that Patrick suffered with addiction for so many years, most apparently ever since the last years of high school.  He already struggled with anxieties and Asperger's.  He just wasn't ready to grow up.  He loved all our traditions like bringing a breakfast tray and singing HB.  

JJ, I ordered the book you suggested from Amazon, thanks.   Michael, I'd love to consider going off to some exotic place, but I don't want to leave my little dog for so long.  She has been such a treasure ever since that day.  I know my disappearance for too long would be hard, especially since I know she still misses Patrick. (When I squeal as he used to with her, she starts looking around for him.)   Lisa, so sweet to think your son was trying to organize a surprise party for you, despite feeling so poorly.  Roseypal, you're right.  It's the special ones that stand out as those you never want to forget.  There are so many that my head is filled with them.  But I try to go back to the times when I think Patrick would want me to: the memories before 2005. 

[JJ Flowers]

Journey of Souls is a powerful book for those of us who have lost someone we love. And Danielle, dogs definitely show up in your life to help and I am so glad you have your little pup. I'll never forget Osea, my Newfoundland, who was my favorite dog in my life. (And I've had a dog since the day I was born and every day since.) When Osea was a puppy, about five years before the year John and Jonpaul died, I remember walking her on this isolated windswept trail. No one for miles. I was lost in thinking of my novel (I am a writer). I spot a woman coming toward me. We kind of nodded as we passed. She got about twenty feet behind me when she turned and said, "That dog."

I said, "What?"

She said, "That dog was sent to you to help you through it." And before I could ask her what she meant, what Osea would help me through, she was gone. Once I got home, I told John what she said to me. He said, "Huh. You must have misunderstood." 

Only later did I understand what she meant. Osea helped me so much, in my grief. My constant loving companion. To this day I am so grateful to that dog.

 

[Danielle Masata]

JJ, I grew up in a large with many siblings, a dog, and a bird.  I was in charge of our cat.  A big happy male rescue cat.  From the time I was in 2nd grade, I had cats.  But a few years ago, when we lost our dear Little Miss, I had to make a change.  Besides, I felt badly about all the birds this gorgeous cat brought home.  So after a long, tireless effort, I finally convinced my husband to a dog-- a cockapoo -- who grew into an adorable, non-shedding hypoallergenic 18lbs female loyal companion.  I never understood loyalty until having a dog.  She's never more than 3  feet away and constantly looking at me as if to say, "I'm so happy you're my mommy!" When we walk down the halls at our hospital and nurses stop to say hello, she'll turn to me with "I hope it's okay for me to wag my whole body to say hi".  Here she is as a baby, and just as cute today.  

[JJ Flowers]

She is ADORABLE!  Dogs, the gift from heaven!

[Michael Rodriguez]

On 9/22/2021 at 5:13 AM, JJ Flowers said:

Journey of Souls is a powerful book for those of us who have lost someone we love. And Danielle, dogs definitely show up in your life to help and I am so glad you have your little pup. I'll never forget Osea, my Newfoundland, who was my favorite dog in my life. (And I've had a dog since the day I was born and every day since.) When Osea was a puppy, about five years before the year John and Jonpaul died, I remember walking her on this isolated windswept trail. No one for miles. I was lost in thinking of my novel (I am a writer). I spot a woman coming toward me. We kind of nodded as we passed. She got about twenty feet behind me when she turned and said, "That dog."

I said, "What?"

She said, "That dog was sent to you to help you through it." And before I could ask her what she meant, what Osea would help me through, she was gone. Once I got home, I told John what she said to me. He said, "Huh. You must have misunderstood." 

Only later did I understand what she meant. Osea helped me so much, in my grief. My constant loving companion. To this day I am so grateful to that dog.

 

 

Just now, Michael Rodriguez said:

did the picture open...?? BTW good morning .....that is Bruno , B's puppy .....he weighs almot 240 lbs

 

[Lisa M.]

O Good morning all.  My daughter in law sent me this it is beautiful.  

Watch rewrite dancing in the sky

[Lisa M.]

Oh my goodness.  Your pups are soooo cute.  I have had 3 dogs up until  2 years ago.  Each one lived to be 16 years old and they passed 1 year apart.  It tore me apart.  I have not gotten another because I  do not have the time to properly train it.  My granddaughter just got a cute puppy and she brings it over regularly for visitation.   It helps and the pup seems to really like me.  She comes right to me and when I pick her up she cuddles right under my chin.   I adore both pup and granddaughter because they both seem to know what I need.

[Roseypal]

All your dogs are great, I am trying to download one of Minnie, so far the files have been too large.  I will keep trying.  I very much LOVE dogs.  I believe they save your life, that is why when you spell it backwards it spell GOD, don't think that is a coincidence.

[Roseypal]

This is Minnie with my youngest son TJ

[Lisa M.]

What a life!  So cute. 

[Danielle Masata]

Oh my goodness. I love all these dog photos. They bring such joy, don't they?  Love their names too: Minnie is huge!

One patient at the hospital today has 3 dogs, 3 cats, 14 goats, 23 chickens and 24 rabbits.  What a collection.  Many patients come from all over the country to work with a certain specialist at the hospital. They have with a rare disorder called MALS (median arcuate ligament). These young girls have gone through so much just to get the diagnosis and come from all over the country for surgery.  It really helps me to get a little perspective in my life when I volunteer.

[JJ Flowers]

Yes, the dog pictures were wonderful and fun. Who doesn't like looking at dog pictures? (Most people would much rather look at a picture of a person's dog than the person! INteresting. I just goggled MALS and read about it. It is nice when there is a good treatment.  You must be   a lovely person, volunteering.