Loss of adult son

[Lisa M.]

Roz,  everything you say makes so much sense.  I guess I just bury stuff and you help me to bring it to the surface.  My best friend has moved to SD, and I have acquaintances at work but really no one I could call a friend. I don't have family functions as my Mother, brother  and sister have all passed as well.  It is now just myself and my daughter who lives in CO.   I live in Alaska so it's not like I can get in a car and just drive to see her.  I feel isolated to a point.  This is one of the reasons I treasure all of you. I know the holidays will be rough and I know you  all will be busy but I will continue to post just to check on you all and see how you are doing.  Thank you for being here. 

[Changed]

Lisa , I never know if I’m saying anything that may make matters worse for anyone ( if that’s possible).   Most people here have only recently lost their child and will , understandably , be adrift.   It is a lot to deal with and is exhausting trying to make sense of it all.   The disbelief and longing for it not to be true is heartbreaking- I still feel that way and , in a few weeks,  it will be five years since my David died .  
My daughter lives nearer London and is a career girl so we don’t get to just pop in to see each other - it’s more of a proper visit a couple of times a year so I know what you mean when you cannot easily see your daughter.     I’ll look up what state CO is  (Colorado?)  but I’m sure it’s further than London is to me .

peace to you,   Roz

[Danielle Masata]

Thanks for your post Roz.  Grief takes so many forms.... sometimes I think I hide it well when I run into friends who know of my loss but reluctant to bring it up.  We talk about how I've kept myself busy, all in a cheery voice.  I try to sound upbeat and occasionally I hear comments like, "You're looking good" which leaves me a bit baffled.  (Did they expect that I might not comb my hair? wear clean clothes? Did they expect that I might change my weight, up or down?  (I still occasional wear clothes from the 1980s, so weight changes isn't in my DNA.)  Sometimes I think I'm only fooling myself.  I'm so fearful that these friends, who know me/us since our kids were in elementary school together not only see me as a mom-who-lost-her-son.  Some have even wondered if we might decide to move now that we are empty nesters.

Anyway, there are so many different aspects to think about as we find our new identity.  Thank you for being here.  Although everything still seems new to me, I appreciate your longview of this process.  I envision I too will return often through the years.  Even though I'm not posting everyday, I still always wonder how everyone is doing and what is easy or what is challenging as we deal with our loss and how it impacts everything else we see/do/feel.

[Danielle Masata]

The latest in the criminal case which was brought by the local police. The criminal has pleaded Not Guilty and the case is listed as "awaiting disposition" (whatever that means).  The next hearing will take place one year after Patrick died, exactly to the day!!!!!  Meanwhile, the criminal is still in custody, but his partner is out.

[Changed]

Danielle,  so it will drag on until there is a verdict in the future sometime- I do hope that it is not something that will overly impact on you .  
If you look back on past posts on loss of an adult child there are far too many parents who had court cases involving the death of their child  spanning years - it seemed so cruel and added to their despair.   I know that you didn’t initiate the case so I’m hoping you can let them get on with it . Roz

[Danielle Masata]

Thanks for your note Roz.  I have not searched back in the thread you mentioned for posts or stories from others who have had to deal with court cases.  In truth, that's a minor element for us.  There were so many issues we're coping with here.  Patrick's lifetime of anxiety has always dogged him, and as well as his addiction since 2005.  The hardest piece of it was just how close we were to our son.  He shared with me so many intimate details about his life.  (I'll spare you all!)  And his dad helped him everyday too: with amazingly intellectual discussions about the economy and investments and also helping him find job listings that might be appropriate, cooking nearly Patrick's favorite dinners every night, grocery shopping.  Oh yes, we spoiled him, but we knew he needed that for reassurance and he always, always let it be known how much he appreciated our guidance.  Yes, he was 33 years old when he passed (and as my husband and I always said, acted 15 years old), but I think back and have realize just how blessed we were that he lived that long.  There were so many times I felt I knew Patrick better than my own husband.  That's the part that breaks me up.  I mean, we have two other adult sons and they never relied on us the way Patrick always did.  

[Roseypal]

[Changed]

Roseypal.  A very moving day here in the uk - Armistice Day.   We have 2 minutes silence on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.  All those lives lost as together we remember them.    Beautiful, poignant drawing with that single poppy standing tall.   I have been over to visit the graves of the fallen and it was so distressing and humbling.  Roz

 

[Danielle Masata]

Roseypal, I think I've asked you this before, but can you write again the title/author of the book where you find these drawings?  I haven't heard from you for awhile, but thinking of you.

[Roseypal]

I think of you all everyday.  Trying to hold things together, it’s been very hard.  The longer it’s been, the sadder I am.  

[Michael Rodriguez]

26 minutes ago, Roseypal said:

I think of you all everyday.  Trying to hold things together, it’s been very hard.  The longer it’s been, the sadder I am.  

same feeling roseypal . as time goes by , the harder it gets ....it will be 7 months tomorrow since i last saw B all full of tubes and wires. God only knows how i miss him ,and as time goes by , the more i love him and all my feelings are directed to him ......and i feel bad that i dont care as much for the living as i do for him .....honestly , i do not care if i spend the rest of my life alone with just his memory 

[Roseypal]

Michael, how true, life is just not the same and it never will be.  It’s really never been easy, this borders on almost impossible.  The only two people I care about are my two other boys, I try to manage for them, I know how badly they need me, they too are hurting. As for the rest of the people, I throw my hands in the air.  Just don’t care. 

[Lisa M.]

I've been feeling the same way.   Yesterday was 6 months and I am struggling.   I too,  am sadder than before.  I just want the holidays to be over.   It hurts to see people so happy when I am struggling to get through each day.  I think of you all daily.  

[Michael Rodriguez]

5 hours ago, Lisa M. said:

I've been feeling the same way.   Yesterday was 6 months and I am struggling.   I too,  am sadder than before.  I just want the holidays to be over.   It hurts to see people so happy when I am struggling to get through each day.  I think of you all daily.  

at least we know that most all of us , who are we kidding !!! all of us share that same feeling of despair for the one we dont have and we want to bury ourselves in their memories ,and proof that we love that child more than life itself , we miss them , we want to hug them and tell them  hosw much we love them and that everything will be alright because that is what parents are suppose to do.....its been 7 months for me today . and i miss B more than ever 

 

 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Holidays and life events are still hard. It is not as if we don't miss them every day. The commercials,  the store displays and family gatherings just seem to magnify our grief. It is okay to feel sad and hurt that other lives go on and other people are happy. 

Peace and comfort, 

CAROL 

[Changed]

I know you are all suffering so much sadness and raw pain.   It is unimaginable for anyone who hasn’t lost their child to understand how devastating it is.     Being together with others going through the same will help .   I remember telling someone that I was on a grief forum and that it made me feel calmer and less alone - they were horrified and thought that I would be even sadder - she was wrong - she went on to show me that she had forgotten about my loss quite quickly and has no sensitivity towards my life.  She visits her son and grandkids and I’m happy to hear how she enjoyed it but does she have to go on and on for an hour telling me how good he is with his boys , how close they are and how they adore their dad  - it rubs it in that my grandson has lost his dad and I have lost my son  - I could embarrass her and tell her I wish that my son was still alive with his son but I’m not that cruel  - it’s not her life or her pain to remember , but a little bit of thoughtfulness would be nice.                    Here we can say we are hurting or struggling and others will just know how that feels - that is a huge comfort.

Roz

[Shel]

Dear Roz everything you wrote is exactly how I feel for some reason even though it’s been six months I am feeling worse rather than better for holidays are coming my son Blake was my only child I raised him as a single parent and it’s just been a nightmare some days are OK but there’s never a good day my friends all have their children and their grandchildren and they go on with their stories as well and it hurts terribly I’m happy for them but I’m so sad for me! I still feel I’m in denial I think he’s going to magically appear some days I feel I’m just existing until I die and my pain will finally go away.

[Mason’s Mom]

Shel. We all have those days. I agree with Roz the fact that we can all understand the waves of grief and pain helps us to be able to express our pain without shame.  I had a few mothers I worked with that lost children they were so good to talk to me and help me see that I was not alone in my pain.

[JJ Flowers]

I am many years away for the year I lost first my husband John and then eleven months later our 23 year old son Jonpaul died. These were the two brightest lights in my life. I remember I felt like a broken person for about two years, but in time, dear people, once you find acceptance, you will come to know only the love you had for your son. You will be overwhelmed with gratitude that you had this special person in your life as long as you did. You will thank God for giving you this person to love so deeply. You will know that you will one day be reunited with them.

Please read this book: JOurney of Souls. It will help you, I promise.

[Danielle Masata]

I am so grateful to all of you for being there for me and for sharing your stories and your grief.  Until I discovered this site, I felt so alone, even when I attended our local Bereavement group because no one in that group had lost a child, an adult child.  It is true for me too: that lately my feelings of loss has intensified.  I assumed it was due to the Seasonal light change, which affects me.  And I attributed a lot of this to the upcoming holidays.  Everything is about families.  But I also think back a year ago when Patrick struggled on a daily basis.  It was a roller coaster of worries that kept getting more and more extreme.  His last six months were so hard on him, on all of us.  If only I could have predicted where it was headed.  If only ....  If only ... Every day, every moment it seems, I am thinking of my son.  The other day, I bought special holiday cookies and I remember last year I hid them so they wouldn't be gobbled up immediately.  Oh how I wish I could share them again.  I know how Patrick loved them.  I made banana bread tonight and added the extra goodies that Patrick loved (vanilla, brown sugar/not white, walnuts, chocolate chips, extra fruit).  As I sprinkled the chips in, I looked up to heaven and winked hello.  He was such a presence in our lives.  Even though he was an adult, we were so involved in every aspect of his life.  And he appreciated it.  I worry about my husband these days.  He never brings up his feelings, but I know he vehemently misses Patrick too.  It's nice that he has gotten closer to our other two sons, but it's just not the same.  Those two guys, although younger, never needed us the way Patrick did.

JJ, I'm fearful of getting to that stage where you are now.  Acceptance.  Because I can't imagine living that long without my Patrick.  I'm not suicidal when I write that, but it is too hard for me to think that I can be grateful that Patrick was in my life because right now all I know is that he is not.  I got the book you suggested, but I haven't had the right mindset to start reading it.

Roz, I have a relative by marriage who can be just like that.  She can be so hurtful.  It's all about her and her gifted, talented children.  Roseypal, Thank you for the book suggestion.  It's so simple and sweet.  On my Christmas list this year.  Shel, the ache I feel is already so harsh, but I can't imagine the added feeling when losing your only child.  It just shouldn't be this way.  .....  Hugs to all of you. Thank you for listening.

[Changed]

I feel like I’m popping in and out of different rooms as I don’t want anyone here  to be left behind .   Don’t be shy to come onto ‘loss of an adult child’ the page numbers may look scary but that’s because it was started so long ago.  People have come and gone but there is only a couple of us there now so it’s not overwhelming.  You have spoken to most on this page already .

I hope that you are all managing from day to day.    That’s about all you can do in the early days.   Thinking of you.  Roz

[Shel]

Hi it’s me again I haven’t posted often enough I should be on this site more often the holidays are coming Thanksgiving next week all I do is sleep I barely can change the sheets on my bed everything is such a chore I’m pretending that everything is all right but it’s not it’s getting worse rather than better and I don’t know what to do I miss my son so much I hear his voice at times I’m still sometimes in denial that he’s gone I don’t see it getting better I don’t even know if I want it to get better I want to stay in the pain of losing my son I never want to forget him I want him back here with me!

[Roseypal]

Mason's Mom, I am coming up on a year 12/17 that Mike left.  We have the date in common, not the year.

Shel, its awful I know, when did your son pass?  How old was he?  Mike passed 12/17/2020 he was 35.

[Shel]

My son passed on June 16, 2021 his name was Blake he was 30 years old he left behind a three week old little boy.  I don’t live in the same state as my grandson and his mother isn’t making Things easy for me to see him when I do go into Pennsylvania right now I live in Florida.   I think she wishes I would go away because I’m a constant reminder what could have been and what was.  Sometimes I wish I would go away too I don’t know if I’m ever going to be OK again I know people say things get easier I just don’t understand that I raise my son by myself he was my whole life every decision I made had him in mind I’m a lost soul he was my only child I question why I’m even here anymore

[Changed]

Shel - I feel so much for you.    To lose your only child is an extra layer of misery.   It is five  years at the end of this month that I lost my son David - I didn’t think that I could survive it and like you I’d try to live as if it wasn’t true - it was too easy for me to do that as Dave lived in Australia so I didn’t see him unless we visited him there once a year - I would have liked to exist like that forever - pretending he was still there but  just out of sight .    

That feeling of what’s the point of carrying on is very familiar and I hope that it doesn’t become any more than a feeling for you.     It does seem unbearable to think that  you will feel this way forever, I know.    It is agony to be without them and so wrong in every way.   Please don’t  give up - we all share the misery of this unwanted journey and can lean on each other.   Roz

 

[Roseypal]

This is all so very sad, and unbearable.  I will never understand.

[Changed]

That is why we all have empathy for each other’s pain and others could  never understand  how deep it runs - who would want to?  Roz

[Shel]

I want to thank everybody who has responded To me tonight I’m having such a bad day and you all are always here for me and I’m so grateful to have you in my life through this forum!

[Danielle Masata]

Roseypal, that's me: Patrick's death was unexpected.  A complete shock.  I'm also certain he never thought that what he was doing would lead to death.  Instead, he wrote about "life's potential" and "so much life to live" that he had wanted to move beyond his addiction.  I think the drugs he took had been manipulated.  And his death is out of order because he died before me, his mom.

Shel, you have suffered a devastating loss.  I hope your daughter in law can recognize that too.  It may take some time, but I think it's important that she begin to understand her responsibility towards you.  Perhaps you can write to her, from the heart, and explain as you have here that you want to be a part of her son's life.  You are both suffering, not just her, and it's selfish if she thinks she can ignore you.  It may take time, but I think you should try to set up a time to FaceTime every week.  Eventually it will be a huge benefit for you both.  It is still early, but even so, you don't want to wait too long to establish a regular line of communication.  And what a heartache that Blake was alive for only a few weeks after his son was born. (And the mom must still be full of new mom hormones! -- Perhaps she's just overwhelmed.)  It's tender time, but for you too.  I hope it will work out, and it will, especially if you're patient and show how much you care.

[Changed]

Shel - I can appreciate the difficulties of building a relationship with your grandson .    The fact that he was only three weeks old when you lost Blake is even crueler .    Do you get any updates on his progress at all?     I have had to negotiate all of this with my son’s widow about their son - my only grandchild .   I knew I couldn’t expect or demand anything and it would be up to her how little or how much involvement I could have with her son - after all we do live on opposite sides of the world so she could have easily cut me out of her life if she chose to.    

I try to be realistic  - it’s not going to be like it would be if my son was still alive.    We can hope for kindness and a recognition that it would be good for a child to keep a strong connection with their father’s family -   It helps if all parties get along well !    I don’t know what laws and rights you have in America regarding grandparents.    I try to keep everything I say supportive and encouraging towards my daughter-in-law.  We have even managed to have holidays with them both but covid has halted that.  
If you can face it and decide to write or speak to your D-I-L   about your role in your grandson’s life  do you think that she is the kind of person to be receptive?   You are already at your lowest ebb so it will be a challenge.  
 

It’s all a lot to deal with when what fills you is the aching for your son , I’m sorry Shel.   
Roz

 

 

[Danielle Masata]

Thinking of you Shel.  You are a part of our family here too and not at all alone.

[Michael Rodriguez]

me too Shel..... try to write as often as you need or as often as you can .....we are all here to help each other .....remember , this sites are the ones that nobody wants to join , we are here to share with others that are just like us, suffering just like all of us and understanding what each one of us is going thru as we share the same grief. that same emptiness 

[Shel]

Hello everyone I just read the replies to how sad I felt the other night and you let me know once again how I am not alone! I know you’re all dealing with the exact same thing and can surely understand my pain. Its two days before Thanksgiving and I just wish all the holidays would go away. I woke up in very bad state this morning my head is just in a bad place I’m trying to keep busy but I know eventually I’m gonna have to settle down and my mind starts to wander off into that negative area. When I go to the food market and I look around at all the people I feel that I’m the only one that has such horrible pain inside them but everybody else is in such a better place just going grocery shopping has become an ordeal for me is it really worth existing in this state is this what life is about?

[Changed]

Please keep going Shel.    We all know those feelings so well.     Everything you say we hear and understand - believe me.   Roz 

[Roseypal]

Thinking of all of you 

[Changed]

Thinking of you all on this day.   Roz X

[Changed]

You are all free to read or join in our conversations on ‘loss of an adult child’ .  You are able to use both pages -  here and on there- there are only a few of us there but some of your friends off this page are also joining in .  It’s just another help line to hang on to and not abandoning this one where I know you are comfortable.    Take care,   Roz

[Roseypal]

Sending a hug to all of you.  Hope you made it threw yesterday without too much pain. 

[Shel]

Thank you Roseypal!  I’m glad Thanksgiving is over with now I have to get the Christmas New Year’s and the rest of the year it’s horrible everything is horrible knowing that my son is in a place that I can’t get to can’t keep Blake warm can’t feed him can’t give him medical care he’s just laying there it’s a horrible horrible feeling you’ve all been so wonderful you’re the only ones that understand what I’m going through and I love each and everyone of you I don’t have to meet you in person to love you I feel and understand your pain!

[Michael Rodriguez]

Shel we all feel the same pain, that desperate feeling that their is nothing you can do for them and yet you want to cuddle them ,hug them tell them how much you love them 

[Shel]

Thank you Michael I know You understand how I feel!

[Lisa M.]

This where I  struggle the most.  I am having an extremely hard time with the fact that I will never see him, hug him, hear his voice.  I just can't believe he is really gone.  I take one day at a time.  Every day is rough.  The last year of his life we had a routine.   He  would call or text every morning to tell me to have a good day.  We live in Alaska so he would make me call or text him when I got to work and the same when I got home. Especially if it was bad weather.  I was a single parent so I think he felt he had to look after  me.  If I  forgot to let him know, he would call and make sure.  I used to tease him and ask who the parent was.  At lunch he would text and ask how the day was going and if everyone was treating me OK.  I work for the United States Postal Service in  Customer  relations and have done so for 39 years.  He would always tell me to not take things personally.   Not a day went by that we didn't connect with each other.  Before he got so sick, he would do the same thing,  just 3 to 4 days a week.  I miss that.   I'm trying.

[Roseypal]

Lisa,  I get it, I was looking at past text I had with Mike last year Christmas, he passed 12/17, I can't believe I will never hear from him again on this earth.  It just makes me crazy when I think of everything I am going to miss not having him here.  I cannot even bring myself to decorate.  We made it threw Thanksgiving, but that is about it, made it threw.  I had a complete breakdown Friday night.  Just couldn't hold it together for one more fricking minute.  Im trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, but there isn't a minute that goes by the Mike is not on my mind.  I really miss him.

If you don't mind me asking, what happen with your son.  You mentioned he got sick? 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

lisa we all have the same struggle just as i told shel....im staring at one of many of B´s picture i have on my desk ......and i guess we all are having it rough today

[JJ Flowers]

To EVERY ONE.

 

Trust me, please YOU WILL SEE THEM AGAIN. When you transition. They will be right there. Plus, there is no time there. Time is an illusion of our material realm or physical reality, so this time you spent separated from them? It will seem like nothing. Most important they do not want you to be sad; it makes them sad. Please join me for a zoom breathing exercise and then a loving kindness meditation for those of us who have lost loved ones. It REALLY helps. YOu will connect to their love and realized, Omg, their love. It is still here. Tuesday and Thursdays at 5PT. I will post the info here tomorrow. Every grieving parent who does this, says it was the only thing that helped. (And it is FREE; I do it to help.) 

[Shel]

 Dear Lisa Roseypal and Michael,

Thank you so much for posting all of you know exactly what I’m feeling because you’re all feeling it exactly the same way when it’s raining or snowing I think he’s getting cold when I eat I can’t eat in peace because I know that he can’t eat enjoy food I still can’t believe I’ll never hear his voice smell his cologne laugh with him ever again the pain is so overwhelming

[Lisa M.]

Roseypal,  he had kidney and liver failure  due to cirrhosis.   We lived 45 minutes apart and I would make the trip every weekend.   Then in the summer of 2020 I  noticed he was retaining fluid.  At that point it wasn't much and he thought he had just gained weight.   I told him that was not weight and he needed to see a doctor.   He went the following week.  From that point on he went twice a week to have his abdoman drained.  There were so many other things that happened from that point until his passing.   I blame myself some.  He never drank in front of me so I didn't realize it was  happening.   Alcoholism runs in our family.. His dad, maternal grandmother, my brother and sister. All died from Alcoholism.   He knew this..  He hid it so well and his wife never said a word..  I know he made the choice to drink but I still feel a bit responsible.   Like maybe I didn't explain it well enough when each one of our family members passed away. I am just so ........many things.

[Roseypal]

I am so sorry Lisa, they grow up and move on, we do the best we can.  I raised my three boys on my own after my husband passed.  He was gone 20 years and then Mike.  I feel like I did a good job of keeping it together while he lived with me, however I lost all control when he went to college never again to return to our home.  He moved on, I was proud of myself, thought I did a good job of teaching him independence.  We stayed close and talked often.  Then he met his wife, I thought she could take care of him, and he would take care of her.  I feel he took care of her, not sure if I feel the same way about her taking care of him. In any event, I was not there when Mike passed, neither was she.  She had gone to the store.  I don't know exactly what went on that week of his death, I do know that something changed because she called her mom and told her she was worried.  Her mom said she wishes she would have told her to get to the hospital.  I wish she would have called me.  Would that have changed anything, who knows.  The only thing I know for sure is he is never coming back, and I have to figure out how to Iive without him.

[Lisa M.]

That last year I  was working from home so I worked from his house so I could spend as much time with him as I could.   I was holding Don's  hand and kissing his cheek  when he took his last breath.   I brought him into this world and I  was with him when he passed.  I do feel blessed about that.

[Roseypal]

sending you a heart