I cry ugly for you

The loss of you is so great

So raw, so painful, so deep

That I cry ugly for you

This is not the same type of crying over sad scenes in movies

It is wailing sounds that I didn't know that I could make

It is gasping for breath between sobbing

It is choking over the discoordination of tears, inhaling and exhaling

It is beet red in the nose, eyes and face

It is a deep pain felt in my chest

It is large drops of tears that soak the pillowcase

It is snot dripping down the nose mixing with tears

But it is also relief of my sadness for losing you mom, 

The pain of not having you here

The loss of a future where we are together

The longing of wanting to hear your voice and to feel your embrace

So I cry ugly for you mom

I miss you mom