First of all, a quick small update on my health; I’m doing good but I have a splint on right now and I’m gonna have it on for a couple weeks, don’t worry I was just clumsy and I tripped. The doctor says it’s nothing serious and I know how you worry so I’m telling you to not worry. I’ll be good as new in April.
Now on to what I’m really here for. I feel like when I write these to you, I feel close to you and to be honest you would probably be the only person I’d tell this to. I trust you, and when I write these I feel as if you’re still here with me. It makes me go back to the memories of us, my doubts, my fears, and when I was naive but I also remember when I’d call you or message you for support and you would be there for me, even if I did wake you up early. All my messages got deleted but surprisingly I remember all of ours, I don’t remember Alyssa’s or Harleigh’s but the ones you sent. I can remember them like it was yesterday, I remember that everytime I woke you up you said it was ok and that you were happy to be woken up by me. But are you happy now, even though I’m not the one waking you up? I’ve been feeling really empty ever since you left, you were my person. Now I feel as though the only people I can connect to are anime characters which is lonely since they’re not real. Not to mention, you left at the worst time possible because after you left people started leaving too, including my dad. I never really had emotions before he passed, I think they were docile, lost, or guarded from when I was openly naive and let what happened to me, happen, when I was a kid. But everything just started flowing in as I heard that my dad left, I felt the love and fear for my mother, I felt the anger and sadness of being left behind by Alyssa and Bobbie, I felt the loneliness of having no friends and being at home alone. But most of all I felt the instant hit of grief and heartbreak of hearing, from people that meant nothing as much as you do to me, that you left. It hurt so bad and I’m still hurting so much that I don’t know how I’m still alive.
Looking back, do you remember the day we met? I do, I saw your kindness and I developed a crush on you but the day I really met you was when we were at the buses you asked if we could hangout. That’s the day I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Did you know that I was so excited that day that I went home and I told my mom that a boy asked me out. I thought of all the places we could go. Back then when you first met me, I was a complete nerd and a weirdo, that never got asked out. My heart totally dropped out of my chest when I heard from my best friend at the time, Bobbie, that you were dating her. Yes, I tried to find something new, like Harleigh, but when I heard you guys broke up, all I wanted to do was go running into you and tell you to choose me. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I don’t know why but my mind told me to keep walking. I still tried to stay close though, that’s why I chose you over Bobbie in the fight, also I knew she was dramatic and you were kind unlike her. Back then when I look at myself through my own eyes, I picture myself as a robot or a clay statue with a brain that I know how to use and with a heart that just sits there, beating but because I know my brain more I don’t know what my heart is saying, so I ignore it. I realize that when people called me heartless, monster, or emotionless they were right but it wasn’t because I didn’t have a heart, it was because I didn’t know how to use it. Not to mention back then I would never cry but now I’m crying all the time and it sucks.
The last day that we had school together, do you remember that I found out you liked me. That day with Simon, her friend, and I, we were all flirting together and you were behind those big drums. Then Simon said that you had a crush on me and that it was obvious, then she shot your feelings for me down. When she asked me if I agreed with her, it was a time when I finally fit in with a school and I knew they all hated you, so it felt like a million years trying to decide between being the outcast again but be with the guy I really liked or not being an outcast and have many friends. It may seem silly but all the other schools I went to I never had any friends so I didn’t want to give it up for a boy that probably would leave me. Thinking back I probably should’ve known that all my friends were fake and I think a little bit of me did know but I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. To be honest I should’ve chosen you because in the end I lost all my friends but I might not have lost you.
I miss you, and I can’t wait until the day we meet again and you read the letters I write to you.