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V. Evergarden

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Guilt and Fear

Violet Coffee


My mom has asked me to ask my oldest brother, Keith, when the funeral is or if they already had one, where his grave is. I personally don’t think I have the right, I’m the child that never visited, never got to know him, all because I was angry that he didn’t want me when I was born and he forgot a few birthdays, but I was foolish. I’m a young adult with anger issues, yes, I’ve learned this but why didn’t I learn that I was taking it all out on my father? I’ve been told that I was smart and intelligent for my age but how could that be if I’m still immature? My father had 5 other children, my 3 older brothers, my younger brother, and my older sister. He favored them more than me, there was no denying it but I also didn’t try to get him to love me more. So I have no right to go to the funeral of a man that I had despised for so long, but he wasn’t that man to my mom. He was the man that ditched his date at a bar because he saw my mom’s beauty, he was the man that made my mom feel like the prettiest girl who was loved, he was the man that gave her the thing she treasures more than life, me. He was the man that made us still feel like a regular family even when he was 200 miles away and had a girlfriend. He would make it feel as though he were there with us, he’d flirt with mom and when he found out I was in the room, he’d say that she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. No matter how much I liked it, she would glow when we talked together and she’d never seem happier. Not even when it was just me and her together, she never glowed. Now I’m scared that she’s never gonna glow like that again, never see her with her smile so big and bright you couldn't even doubt if it were fake. 


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