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tishagun

I lost my husband and the will to live

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Lost my husband and I'm only 32. Got all my life in front of me and all I want to do is kill myself. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is worth it without him. Been trying to desperately find some miracle cure by talking to people. People talk to me.. say things to me. But they are just words that give you false hope for a second or two and then leaves you down in the bottomless darkness again. I'm going crazy. Been trying to stay mad at anything and everything because anger numbs the pain. But the pain just haunts me. What I need is 5 more minutes with my husband to make peace. Just 5 minutes to say all that's in my heart and to hear him tell me what to do. That he loves me, the he will wait for me somehow... tell me, how do you go on breathing when the life has gone out of me? Do you honestly think it's worth living a life without the one person that gave meaning to life?

I've been going on a million websites trying to find some kind of solution. All people ever say... time will heal things. But what about now? Some days I'm so deparate I could just kill myself. I think of death all the time. I've never stopped counting the days till I die- ever since that fatal day. And I don't believe in God - never will. The day my husband was in hospital, I knelt down and prayed and begged and begged and begged for his life. But prayers are ****. I can see that now. I am all alone and I'm too scared to kill myself. But one thing I know, I want to stop breathing NOW. My husnand was my life. He was my essence, my raison d'etre, my EVERYTHING. I WANT HIM BACK

 

I WISH SOMENODY COULD HELP ME. PLEASE

Tish

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Time does help lessen the pain, but you're right, you hurt now, and you want a "fix" now. The issue is there is no magic cure for this kind of pain. What you're going through is a "trial" that's going to test you. It's going to hurt like hell and it's going to be ****, and not everyone manages to get through it, and none of those who do will get through it unscathed.

 

How you're feeling isn't unusual though. Your husband was your reason for being, that much is clear from what you wrote. With him gone, you're lost. You don't know what to do, where to turn, what's supposed to come next. Part of what you're feeling is a fear of the unknown, because what you've known has changed, and will never be the same. But at the same time, the alternative you've mentioned a few times in your post (suicide) is an even bigger unknown. The fact that you're scared of doing it is good, because it means some part of you still wants to live, even with all the pain you're going through. Somewhere, deep down, you have a reason to live, even if you can't pinpoint what that is quite yet. The best thing to do is hold onto that knowledge and use it to push through to the next day.

 

Living for the sake of living might seem pointless, but if your husband cared about you half as much as you seem to care about him, I guarantee you he'd want you to go on and try to find a reason to be happy again. I'd also like to end with another thought in the same vein as this. If your husband felt this way about you, then you don't need those 5 extra minutes with him. He knows how you felt about him, and I'm sure you know inside how he felt about you. I can't speak for him obviously, but the fact that you're so devoted to him, and that you loved him so much seems like he had to feel the same way about you.

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Hold on for just one more day........  That's all you have to worry about, just today.  Try not to think about the future, you will deal with that when it comes.  All you have to worry about is right now, Today.

 

I tell myself that every single morning that I wake up.  The ONLY thing I have to do, is get through one day.  I can do that.  I can get through one day.  When it gets so bad that I don't think I can even handle that, then I concentrate on the hour.  Just one hour.  Does it magically make everything all better?  Hell no, but I'm still here.  

 

There wasn't anything that anyone could say that helped the pain.  It helped that strangers here, cared.  It really didn't matter what they said, just the fact that they took the time to respond to me, acknowledge that they understood what I was feeling....... That helped me get through many a day.

 

So I just want you to know, I care.  Hold on for just one more day and in the mornings tell yourself, I only have to do this for today, I can do today.  

 

One day at a time.

 

Hugs to you.

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From the bottom of my heart, thank you to the both of you. It means a lot to read from people who cares enough. And maybe that's something I could hold on to... taking one day at a time. Because when I think about the future and how I'm going to be spending the rest of my life alone, it's so overwhelming, I just can't take it. The future is a long time to go... but a day at a time, maybe I can take it.

At the end of this week, one month would have gone by since my husband died. I've gone back to stay with my parents as our home is no longer home. Just a house with plenty of memories that rips my heart apart every time. I can't even think about the good times we've shared together because it's soooooo painful. I can't think about my husband at all. The memories are very hard to bear. Thinking of the good times we've shared makes me realise that I will never be happy again and every day it's becoming clearer and clearer that my husband is NEVER coming back.

My life was so perfect with my husband. We had it all... our home, jobs we like and just the two of us doing the things we like together. We were so happy that I couldn't have wished for anything more. He was my soulmate. I remember when I was stressed out at work, I would think that it doesn't matter if I lose my job cause I had my husband, so I had it all. I was so happy and my life was so perfect. We didn't take much space in this world, we were like two kids in a small corner of the world. But death still managed to find us. The Gods took everything from me. I grew up putting all my faith in God. My dad used to say when things don't go well, say a little prayer and God will help me. Every time that I ever prayed in my life, I asked for only one thing- happiness and long life of my husband. Now it feels like I got a good kick in the face from God. All my prayers were for nothing... empty wishes, a waste of time. I am alone today and for the rest of my life. And I know for sure that when I die I won't be with my husband. I don't believe that my husband is with the angels or watching over me. I know for sure that when you die, there is NOTHING. When you die, you turn into energy and light, evaporates into thin air and then there's nothing. Makes you think how pointless everything is in life. You work so hard to achieve something.... but death will take it all in one go. So what's the point? Why is it that people who wish to die never can. And those who had wanted to live, die young? I wish I was never born.

It's become like a mantra to me now- every morning I wake up I think "Another day WITHOUT YOU". And when night comes I find relief in know that there's one day lesser in my life. Soon there will be no days left to count... but how soon? And what kind of life is it... living like a corpse. It's really not worth it. Love is such a curse, brings you fleeting moments of bliss then a lifetime of pain. Why, why, why did it have to be me!

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Tisha, I know what you are going through right now seems unbearable.  You mentioned it being a month since you lost him.  I remember that milestone, and remember feeling pretty hopeless at that moment.  I couldn't even think about him, talk about him, see anything that reminded me of him without crying.  But this Saturday will mark a year since I lost my husband, and I'm still here.  I talked to someone about him the other day and I smiled.  I honestly never thought I'd be able to do that.  Having said that, I know that nothing I say, or anyone says, right now is really going to make you feel better.  But if I can give you even a little bit of hope for the future, that's something. 

 

For now, like others have said, just hang in there from moment to moment, hour to hour.  Eventually you will find that another month has passed.  And another.  And eventually I would bet that you don't find yourself counting as much.  And another day, you'll surprise yourself when you laugh or you smile at something - and then will probably feel immediately guilty for doing it.  But he'd want you to find your way back to happiness.  I know that probably seems very far away.  Until then, sending you hugs and hope for comfort.  I know it's so hard right now!\

 

Andrea

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Tisha, I know exactly how you feel. I lost the love of my life suddenly 2 months ago. I can understand everything you are feeling!! We were so happy together. We did everything together because we really enjoyed just being with one another. We were like two kids who never grew up. But that didn't matter, we were happy. I also say why, why!! Why did this happen!!!. Just take one minute at a time. That's what I have to do sometimes. Just keep your chin up. Sending hugs to you!

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tish - sweetie.  I lost my husband, my soul mate, the love of my life too.  15 months ago.  I know how you feel, I really do.  My future disappeared right before my eyes.  My husband got very sick with a fungal pneumonia.  He was a transplant patient so having no immune system this pneumonia kicked his ass.  He was in the hospital for 4 months.  During his time in the hospital we had some really scary things happen.  One was that he started bleeding internally and they couldn't stop it.  All they could do was push blood in as fact as is was coming out.  I panicked and talked to a friend of mine and asked him if his Pastor could go pray for my husband.  Before the pastor went he called me on the phone.  He asked me if I was prepared to accept the answer God had.  He said that prayers don't always get answered the way that we want them to.  I told him "yes sir, I'm prepared for whatever God has planned for my husband".  The pastor and a group from his church went to the hospital and prayed over my husband.  And he recovered.  He died the second night he was in physical rehab getting ready to come home.  I know your angry at God sweetie and it is okay that you are right now.  But keep in mind that God isn't a magic genie in a bottle who gives us our wishes.  Having faith is believing that everything you give to God is going to be handled in His perfect plan.

 

Do I miss my husband...hell yeah I do.  Am I sad...yep.  Do I cry...all the time.  I did wish I was dead but I can hear my husband's voice in my head saying "don't be an ass".  That isn't what he wants.  So I'll go on, one day at a time.  Which is what we should do anyway.  You can't live in the past nor in the future, only today.  It does get easier sweetie, it just takes time.  You'll know your there when you can look at pictures or talk to someone about good times and feel a glow inside your heart.  I truly believe that they are with us, I've had so many signs from my husband and I truly believe there is an afterlife.  I know it isn't for everyone but it helps me to hang on.  You have a long road ahead of you sweetheart and it seems it is all uphill.  Just know there are a lot of really nice people here on this forum who are ready and willing to help you out.  Take care sweet girl...

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The first few days after I'd lost my husband, I truly thought that I was the only one in the world who was suffering so much. I was convinced that nobody else could possibly know the utter agony I was going through. I honestly never imagined that there would be others like me who could have loved their husband as deeply and powerfully as I love my precious husband. That's because I honestly believe there's no one in this world more perfect, more kind and more loving than my husband. He would go out of his way to help people, perfect strangers even, without expecting anything in return. And he moved heaven and earth to keep me happy all the time. And we were so close he and I that every breath we took was for the sake of the other.

 

Knowing that there are other people like me... that I'm not alone in my torment and that others have survived this unsurvival agony.... maybe there's some tiny speck of hope for me too. The members of this website have helped me in ways I would never be able to thank deeply enough... through their messages and support. There's been times in my life that I thought I was losing my mind, that I could take it no more. I would fall down on my knees and wept and wept and wept until I was sick. But now when I'm feeling depressed, I try to go over the messages you all have sent me and I feel a similarity of hope. Not hope itself because my husband was hope, the light in my life. But I am so grateful to you all for giving me the courage to take in another breath, to open my mouth and put some food in, to go one living, though there is no reason left to live anymore. THANK YOU for caring and for being there for me.

Tish

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"But I am so grateful to you all for giving me the courage to take in another breath, to open my mouth and put some food in, to go on living..." Tish...This is about all you can do right now and I am so glad that you've felt some sense of support from those who have already replied. At one month, I found that if I'd brushed my teeth that morning, then I'd accomplished a lot. All I did was cry. Everything reduced me to tears, or screaming. We had been married 48 years, four months and four days. We had been retired for almost four years and he had fought and won a battle with kidney cancer. We decided we were going to travel. We went on a car trip, 3,000 miles, visiting family and friends, finishing up with a glorious week on the beach. We came home and learned one week later that he had pancreatic cancer. He was gone in 8 months... I felt and still feel lost, so very alone, and have wondered why so many times. I do have children (3, 2 daughters and a son who died of brain cancer on '04) and 7 grandkids. And a letter from my husband telling me that just as my son told me before he died, "you can't die because I do, mom," my husband wanted to tell me that same thing. He wanted me to promise him I would live my life and that is what I try to do...stand where they no longer can, honor them by living my life...just as they asked. It is now almost 20 months...I still cry but I also have learned to laugh again...it took a long time. You said that your sweetie was a good man and would do anything for anyone, even strangers. Perhaps when you are feeling stronger (and you will...I promise) you can think about doing something along those lines in memory of your love...standing where he no longer can, doing what he did. He is with you...I hope you are able to know that eventually. I see signs from our son and my husband all the time...many of which have helped me to believe they are together. My hubby always told me that if he died first, he would "stop and wait for you, darlin', just beyond the moon." (An old country western song) I have to believe we will be together again...meantime I can only do what I can do, and some days, that is just breathing. My heart to you, Tish...

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For fleeting moments I once felt like I could just go on. But here I am again today down in the pit. I feel like I've lost my sanity. Before I could be "ok" if I tried to block my husband's thoughts from my head. Now it seems even this doesn't work. This morning I was so down, I bumped the car into a wall by accident. I was lost in thought about him and didn't even realise what was happening until I got out of the car and saw I'd crushed the damn car. Another day I nearly hit a bus that was starting to move from the bus lane. I think I've lost it. I've tried everything - I started pretending my husband wasn't really gone. When I'm at work, I pretend that after work my husband will be picking me up like he used to do. When I'm at home, I pretend my husband has gone out - to a football match or to the shop and that he would be back soon. And then even these pretences are not enough. So i've started talking to him out loud, pretending he is here (like an imaginary friend). And then I stopped cause that got too painful. The emptiness is here and I feel it all too well. Nothing works!  Tried to forget him/block him out of my head- doesn't work. Tried to pretend he was still alive and that he had just gone out for a little while- didn't work.  Tried to pretend that he was right next to me - doesn't work either. I'm going crazy. I really am. All the messages people have sent me - like take it one day at a time - worked for a day. But I can't take it anymore. Not even one hour at a time. Deep down it's hard to ignore that he's not coming back- not today, not tomorrow, not ever, ever again. I go to bed with the certainty that I would be waking up alive tomorrow. He's not coming back. So I take it one day at a time- but for how long can I fool myself this way? Nothing is working. I can't sleep. I've cried so much that even tears don't fall. But my heads hurts. This is all too hard. It's a month today since he's been gone. And time hasn't done anythign for me. How do all you people go on?  Am I so weak? What's wrong with me? I wish I could get some electric shock treatment that would erase my memory. Take me back to the time before I met my husband. I want to forget. I'm living the life of a corpse - alive and breathing but not living. Even death is not a comfort because it feels like I'm comdemned to live a long time before I finally die. I've been logging in on his Skype account and facebook account trying to find...something that would comfort me. Yet all our souvenirs are here. He hasn't left me any goodbye letters that would tell me what to do. We didn't get a chance to say one last goodbye or worst, a few words before he died. I've been readings things like How to forget someone, How to get over an obsession, how to shut your heart out. They all tell you the first rule is to really want it. And I do. I want to FORGET EVERYTHING. I WANT SOME BLOODY PEACE IN MY HEAD. AND I WANT THIS PAIN TO STOP. Tried everything, but nothing works. Nothing works at all. And yet I've read stories of ll the people who's lost dear ones on this website... and you all seem to be coping. How?  Why can't I be like you all?  Why do I have to suffer? 

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Tish you are not going crazy. I have all the same feelings that you have and its been 2 months since I lost the love of my life. All the emotions that you feel are normal and it truly does stink, I know. Just take it day by day. I know I cant look ahead at all right now. We just bought a house in December and I cant even stay there yet. I don't want to stay anywhere without him!! My heart goes out to you and remember, you are not weak for feeling like this. I feel the exact same way you do.  I truly understand. Cry when you need to , scream if you have to. Remember, one day at a time. I am here for you if you need to talk. Hugs to you!

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seven months went by with such agonising slowness. AT 32, every day I wonder how much longer I have to live. Why is life such a punishment? All I did was love. To love and to have lost and now to live with such pain till I too die one day. I think it's best not to have loved at all. Then I wouldn't hurt. Seven months and I still haven't found a reason to live. Then why am I still alive? When I look around me, everyone else I've known in my life is still alive. Except for my husband! I feel so angry. But at whom? You all said that with time things would be better. Huh, things are worse. I live in the past, with only memories to keep me company. And I think about the future and I see nothing. Why am I being punished for falling in love?

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Tish...reading your posts here was like you had read my mind. Everything you have said is the same for me. I lost Michael just over 7 months ago. 4 months before our wedding day. He was such an amazing man. Kind considerate giving. He loved me unconditionally despite all of my faults. He was taken in an instant so unexpectedly. I am so devastated....lost.....destroyed. My life is meaningless now. So many people want so much. All I ever wanted was one man, a true love. Finally there he was. Everything I had ever wished for.....hoped for....prayed for. We were so happy. Then he was ripped away. My life was shattered. I too am angry. I feel no one really understands. Their lives havent changed. They still have their loves...mine is gone. I see people in my life differently now. Many that I thought would always be there for me are not. I know I will live the rest of this pathetic life alone and it is so overwhelming. I wish pray and beg for death every day since Michael died. The only reason Im still here is a fear that there is God and He would punish me for eternity and would never allow me to be with my love my soulmate again. If there is any possibility that there is something after this life I cant screw up that chance that I may see him again so I wait. I too count days....one more day closer to death.....I just wish each day is the last. I have no words of wisdom for you. I cant help myself. I just wanted you to know that I hear you, I understand you and you are not alone. Thank you for listening.

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Dear Shattered 14, I sure hope you get my message. I just wanted to thank you so much for writing to me. Everybody else who's written to me have been so supportive. but if they can say to live one day at a time and that I will see that the pain would lessen with time- then they don't know me. Because if they can say that that means they are all very strong people because they are able to carry on. But I am weak. I was with my husband for 16 years and all these 16 years I've told him so many times that I can't live without him and meant it. And now that he is gone, my words were true. I can't live without him. I've conditioned myself to be like that for 16 years, I guess. I can't even focus on one hour at a time. I cry all the time and each minute that goes by feels like an eternity. Time has slowed down for me. I've tried to lessen the pain with alcohol, but as I am not a drinker I can't bear the taste of it at all. Makes me want to throw up. So I have to face this raw pain sober. I'm so scared of the days to come. Even being in this very, very dark place where I am, I still can't end my life cause I am scared of ending up alive but in a worst condition. I've searching a thousand websites by now looking for something that someone could say that would make me want to live again... at least a little while. The words you wrote... absolutely resonate with me. Everything you feel about your husband, I could say the same things about mine. And I know you understand. So, please tell me. How have you gone on facing all these days? What do you do to keep yourself breathing? Are you able to focus on anything? Cause I can't. On the outside if anyone look at me, I would appear "normal". But all this time inside my head, I am crying and all I am thinking is of him. But I've come to realise that the people around me don't understand and would only laugh if I voice out my pain. I told one of my colleagues one day that when I go to "sleep" I hold one of my husband's shirt. Even though his scent is long gone, I'm still trying to hold on to him by holding on to whatever he owned. And behind my back she went to tell other colleagues that I was losing my mind because of the way I was acting. That hurt so much. And from that day I learned to conceal my pain from others because they don;t understand. They haven't lost their very life itself like I lost mine. Now I literally feel like a walking corpse. I look around me and without my husband the world has lost all its beauty. I used to enjoy little things that the birds singing, s beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, the wind on my face, the scenery around me. Now when I open my eyes everything reminds me of my husband. Because really for these 16 years there was just me and him together in our little world. We never let other come into our world. I have no friends cause I was content just being with him. And we did everything together. We were even together when I would go shopping for my clothes (and I loved shopping for clothes). I know so many men find it boring. But not him cause he was just happy to be with me. I miss him and so many times I've wished for 5 last mins with him.... just to say everything I need to say to him. And hear him say everything he needs to say to me. And then maybe somewhere I would have found peace. But he died so abruptly we didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. We never saw death coming. He was in perfect health!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least relatives of people who've died from a long term disease have had time to prepare themselves emotionally, mentally... But we were so in love and so happy. And I honestly thought love could conquer it all, even death. I thought NOTHING COULD COME BETWEEN US, that in love as we were nothing could separate us. We swore to each other that we would be together forever. Oh, those words are so familiar. Said one too many times. But how naive we were. Please tell me, what do you do to go on. Please, I know that you are suffering the same intense agony as I am. And if you reply to me, I feel maybe you hold this magical solution that would help me cope... Please do reply. Tish

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Oh gosh Tish - you are not alone.  You sound exactly like me and my Jerry.  He was my only friend.  It was just he and I.  And we did everything together.  We were together for 34 years.  And I told him so many times that if something happened to him I wouldn't be able to go on.  He would always say "nothing is going to happen to me.  I'm going to live to be 99".  Well, that didn't happen!!  And I feel like I've been dealt the cruelest hand in the world.  I am scared shitless to be alone.  I don't have any kids of my own, I do have one stepson who I am very close to but he lives far far away with his family.

 

I prayed every single day that I would die too because I just can't do this.  I have stopped going to the doctor because if I were to get cancer or something I wouldn't fight it, I'd let it take me.  I can't wait until it is my time to go.  I know my husband will be waiting for me at the gate because I always told him that "if you go first wait for me at the gate".

 

How do I go on?  Sometimes I don't.  But for the most part I'm feeling better.  It took a medium and me studying everything about life after death that I could get my hands on to bring me out of my funk.  I am convinced now that there is more to life than here in the physical world.  I also believe that my husband can see me and if I'm acting all sad and upset and crying it sure doesn't make him happy.  I try my hardest to just go about my daily routine as if he were still here.  Going to work, coming home, watching tv, playing with my dogs, none of that changed, I still have to do that and if I just keep that thought that he is with me it makes it somehow easier.

 

I have almost two years under my belt and it has taken every single second of every single day to get to where I am today.  You only have seven months?  You need to cut yourself some slack.  I think the first 4 months are just pure numbness, disbelief, denial.  Now the reality of it all is hitting you and what your going through is totally normal.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't either.  Each one of us does "grief" in our own way, at our own pace for as long as we have to.

 

I wish you just a tiny bit of happiness, a tiny bit of peace.  I'm so sorry your dealing with this, it is exactly what my life is like now...

 

Judy

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Hey Jude,

 

I read your posts so very often.  You have such insight and your words have provided comfort to me.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  You help more than you know.

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Thank you Shattered.  It makes me happy to know that I can help someone if even a tiny bit.

 

I really think my advancement has come as a result of reading everything I can find about life after death and applying it to my Christian beliefs because it really does intertwine.  Some people would say that I'm going to hell for even believing in spirits, let alone talking with a Medium.  But I don't see how anything that can give people so much comfort and promote love could be evil...it doesn't make any sense.  Now some of the stuff is a little "out there" if you know what I mean.  Sylvia Brown, the psychic medium...she is a little bit over my head.  I mean, I would never think that there would be a "scanning machine" up in heaven that shows us our life while on earth.  But that is also just her interpretation and the only way she could describe it.  But her books did make me laugh a little and shake my head...lol!!  One thing I have noticed about the authors of the books I've read is that they are all very intelligent people.  Way smarter than me and they are not crazy.

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So much of what you say is exactly how i feel reading your post and many others makes me cry because i know the pain you feel and ive realized nothing anyone says will take the pain away or bring the person we loved so much back i don't believe in the saying time heals all broken wounds because to me each day that passes by i hurt more and more i count my days to i say almost everyday please take me away but as hard as it is we all need to try our best to be strong and surround yourself with the people who love u especially when your at your weakest point and know that even tho you can not see your husband he is still with you everyday

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Myangelnm143....i am sorry for your loss. It is so hard each day. Those around me dont really understand. They think they do but they dont. When they are done talking to me, they get to go back to their lives. Nothing has changed for them. They still have their husbands....their loves. When I am with them, I find myself very overwhelmed.....so lost. All the couples and then there is me. It is so uncomfortable and it hurts. I try to believe that he is still with me somehow but it is still so very empty.

hey Jude......i too have been searching the internet......reading books......watching shows to try to find something that would provide some hope. I have even gone to 2 mediums. I cant tell my family and friends in my life. Some would say I was a fool and losing my mind. Others believe it is evil. I found that it helped me in a small way. It has made me start to believe there is something more and the possibility of a remaining connection. Maybe that does make me a fool....I dont know. I dont believe it is evil. Both that I went to explained it was all based on and made possible through God. Nothing said was evil in any way. I need to believe there is more than just this life in order to maintain any level of sanity. If you have read any good books on the issue, seen any shows or anything, I would really appreciate it if you would share the names so I could try to find them.

thank you for listening and sharing.

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Shattered14 i know exactly how you feel thats why i don't talk about it with anyone i know because noone really knows what to say especially when they haven't gone threw losing the love of there life ive been told u know eventually you have to move on or you know someday those pictures need to come down if you meet someone else i couldn't believe it made me even more upset because i almost feel like my feelings are being dismissed and i said im sorry my pictures will never come down and im not even thinking of being with anyone else i feel like im going crazy i google these crazy things like where do you go when you die is there really a heaven im driving myself crazy wondering where he is or if he is ok is this normal i just don't know u mentioned you went and saw a medium how was your experience i have been looking into going to one to find some sort of peace i watch the long island medium all the time im very much into that stuff and i know what you mean when people say its wrong or evil your not supposed to do that i truly believe that mediums are angels on earth who bring people peace from a passed loved one and if it made you feel better going to one that is all that matters it does not matter what anyone else thinks or says

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Myangelnm143.....I too have googled everything you can think of trying to figure out where we go, what happens.  As if anyone else really knows.  The problem is that no one really knows.  We all have our basis of beliefs.  It comes down to faith.  Mine has been shaken if not completely destroyed by the loss of Michael,  I am very angry at God.  Now some people would hear that and tell me what a terrible person I am to feel that way but I do.  There is no point in lying about that.  If God really exists then He already knows my thoughts without me having to say so.  thereby no point in lying.  I did talk to my Pastor about it, and he tried to help. He was one of those that says God loves us all and that He did what was best for everyone.  He also told me to try to think of this life as a small point in time in comparison to eternity and that I will spend eternity with Michael.

 

I have been through many difficult things in my life as had Michael.  We finally found each other and were so very happy.  I know he was my soul mate.  Of that I am sure.  I knew right away that he was special, and our connection was so strong, so complete, so unconditional.  We had so many plans.  We were going to grow old together.  God chose to take it all away in an instant.  I don't understand why.  I have those who tell me that God was merciful and did what was best.  When I am being rational, I guess I can see that it was best for Michael if he wasn't going to get well but the question remains as to why he didn't just heal him.  As for this being best for me, that is completely untrue.  I see no good in this.  I now have lost the person who means the most to me.  My love.  What now?  What am I supposed to do now?  My life is destroyed.  There is no future..no hope.  Unless you have experienced such a loss, a person cannot understand how destructive it is....how painful it is.   I too have been told I need to keep moving forward.  My question is to do what?  For what purpose?  I don't have one.   We just wanted to be together enjoying simple things.  God decided we couldn't have that.   I can't figure out why.  I too am told that I will find another love and move on.  My heart doesn't work that way.  I guess none of us ever really know what the future holds but for me I have already had the best for me....my Michael....so what is the point?  I am completely in love with Michael.  Death did not change that.  So I find my life to be meaningless now.  Just wasting time until it is over.  It feels like a punishment to me only I don't know what I did to deserve such punishment.  I am a sinner just like every other human being.  But I have never set out to intentionally hurt anyone.  I just don't get it.  Why?

 

As for the mediums, for me they have been somewhat helpful.   I can't tell the people in my life that I have gone because they would be so angry with me and perhaps would not forgive me.  In their minds, it is evil and against God's word.  I don't really agree.  I believe some people have a gift and that gift helps bring comfort to many.  I know there are scams out there but there are some that I feel truly have an ability that we don't have.   The ones that I went to told me things about Michael and my parents who are all deceased that they could not possibly have known.  The mediums were strangers to me.  Knew nothing about my life.  Yet told me specific things that just shocked me that they knew.  Not general things but very specific completely random things.  How could they know?  Since then I have been trying to be more aware of possible signs and have been quite surprised at some that I now have seen.  It is helping me to believe that there is more to us than just this life...that we go on and that our loved ones are still with us in some way that we don't completely understand.  I need to believe that I will be reunited with Michael some day.  If I don't...if I allow myself to believe that he is just gone and that's it, I truly believe I will lose my sanity. 

 

Despite holding on to that belief, I am so very sad, lonely, overwhelmed and lost.  The thought of never seeing his face, kissing him, holding him, hearing his voice, holding his hand and so much more is devastating.  I go to work, to grief counseling and to the cemetery.  That is now my life.  Other than that, just getting through the day each day is so hard.  I do keep coming back to this site because there are people here who get it....who know...who understand...who let me vent....they offer some words of understanding that sometimes are truly a lifeline for me.  I am so very sorry for each person who is on this site because I know how deep their pain is as it is like mine.  I am here too to listen and share my experience with the hope that it helps in some small way to let you know that you are not alone.

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Here are some excellent books to read regarding life after death and Heaven -

 

 "Heaven is Real" and "90 Minutes In Heaven" both by Don Piper (I'm not sure which one is first...check the dates.)

"Hello From Heaven!" by Bill Guggenheim

"There's More To Life Than This" by Teresa Caputo

"Flight to Heaven" by Dale Black

"My Journey To Heaven" by Marvin Besterman

 

I have read about near death experiences, ghosts and spirits, everything I could get my hands on.  The ones having to do with Heaven are especially good though.  John Edward, Sylvia Brown, James Van Praagh, Alison Dubios and Teresa Caputo are all psychic mediums.  Make sure when you do go to see a medium that they are a "Psychic Medium".  It was explained to me that a surgeon can't be a surgeon unless he was a doctor first, the same with mediums.  They have to be psychic as well.  I have read 35 books on the subject so far.

 

It is my understanding that it is very hard for our loved ones in heaven to lower their frequency in order to contact us.  A medium raises their frequency and the soul of our loved one has to lower theirs to communicate.  It takes a lot of energy for both sides.  There has been a lot of studies done in quantum physics lately regarding this energy and it is fascinating. 

 

Sylvia Brown, of course has departed, but she is a little "out there" if you know what I mean.  Not so much in her content as in how she expresses herself.

 

I guess what I want to say is I have done a lot of study.  And I have decided that this is what I want to believe.  It has helped me.  I truly believe it is true with all my heart.  I'm going on 58, I could care less if I meet another man.  Jokingly I say I did my time.  Of course people say to me "oh you'll meet someone, don't worry".  Heck, I'm not worried.  As far as I'm concerned I am still my husband's wife.  I know I will see him again, in fact I know that we have known each other since the beginning of time.  We have done this more than once.  When my grandpa died my grandma never hooked up with anybody again.  You just have to decide what you want to believe and make it your truth, ya know?

 

Our beloveds are there...right on the other side of the veil, I know they are.  They watch over us.  I know that my husband can do a much better job watching over me from where he is now than if he were still here with me.  He was so sickly, there wasn't much he could have done to protect me.  I always told him that if he dies first to wait for me at the gate.  I know when I cross over that bridge he is going to be the first face I see...standing there waiting for me.  What a wonderful day that is going to be!!  To us it seems like an eternity until that day but to them it is just a few minutes.  At this stage of my life 90% of my family is on the other side.  I know they are having a great time!!  A really great time!!  AND....everybody is perfect, healthy and beautiful!!  And our pets are there too!!

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Shattered14 i feel the exact same way its unbelievable everything you write on how you feel is exactly what i feel every single day and what kinda helps is i actually write to my nick in a journal every single day i know that may sound kinda crazy but it helps me feel ok to let all my emotions out i almost feel like im talking to him.have you ever thought about starting a journal to him or do u already have one? If not it might help you and the books hey jen suggested are great ones i have the theresa caputo one and its a great book i plan on going back to the book store and buying more thank you for that list ! I just started talking with a mentor / therapist im hoping it helps me with day to day life i do look forward to coming onto this site and talking with you all it helps so thank u and what also may help because it helps me talk about michael tell his stories of all your wonderful memories with him even if u tell them over and over who cares if you ever want to talk about your memories im here to listen

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Hey jude thank you for the information on mediums and psychic mediums and those other books i can't wait to go back to the book store now and im very sorry for your loss as well its never easy im just glad i know have people i can relate to and talk to and listen and try and help as well

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