Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Hi, my husband and I went to get my sons monument started I have not been able to face it but I have felt so guilty that he did not have one ,I think it is going to be beautiful , but I do have to tell you it is pretty bad when you don't get your sons middle name right , Brian's middle name is Edmund and Brett's middle name is Edward well I was sitting here thinking to myself I think I got there names mixed up sure enough I did, talk about embarrassing!

This has been a rough couple of weeks with my health and emotions , my son Kaleb is on medications he was diagnosed with mild autism,adhd, ocd and lately he has started having turrets type jerking everyday it seems to get worse we have an appointment today.. I had a bad melt down last night a combination worrying about Kaleb, the way my son Brett is treating me and my family, I didn't get to see the kids yesterday or even hear from them, and now my DIL Traci oh where do I start.. to much to go into right now I have to leave for Kalebs doctor soon... what is so hard to except is how much losing someone special can effect so many lives instead of bringing family closer it seems it just drives them away. well I have to go .I will let you know what the doctor says ..

Watch the medications very close...my son, the Dr. has horror stories of children being way over medicated....question everything.

[daveydow1]

Brenda-----I'm glad that you have ordered the monument for your son, Brian.

It will make you feel better when it is put up, I think. I'm sorry about Kaleb's

diagnosis, and hope that his meds will help him. Also, sorry that you weren't

able to get to see your dear grandchildren on Easter. Thanks for the Easter

greeting. Your Brian is such a handsome young man. Peace be with you.

Greg-----Yikes!! A basket full of rotten eggs for the grouchy old lady who

complained so about your decoration for Brian's cross. Yes, it is unbelievable

how some people can be so selfish and wrapped up in their own thoughts.

Maybe she is just one of those old ladies who LOVE to have something to

complain about. (I know a few )......and it seems to make their day to just

gripe about something to someone else.

Kate----Loved your story of little Jeff in his yellow blanket sleepers standing

in his crib smiling at you when you came into the room. Little ones seem

to have excellent eyes, ...and he spotted the seams of the wallpaper, and set

to work to make strips. Too funny. These little memories are like sweet

treasures to think about, aren't they? And......being the mom/dad, we have

so many things we can think about and recall. My Lisa was only 6 mo. old

when she died, but I still have a good amount of memories of little things she

did. We can draw from these memories anytime we want to.....they are ours,

and only ours. No one can take them away from us. Our private Treasure Chest

of Memories.

Dee----Yes, I agree----it is like "100 years & yesterday in one"---this journey we're

on. Sounds like you had a nice day on Easter, and hope your walk was refreshing.

Shelly----The way you slept for 10 hours sounds as though you were very tired

and in need of some serious and restful sleep. Good for you. Sometimes we

seem to sleep 'fitfully'----not really getting real rest, so the body just lets us know

when its time to 'crash'. I've had times like that too.....as I think most Indigos

have also had.

Carol----Church must have been so sad for you without your dear husband, and son

there. Ralph must have been a great singer, and so understandable that you would

miss him so. Sorry Kim and the girls missed their flight, but you will all have a nice

time when they get to your house. I have not seen many signs of wildlife as of yet---

too cold I guess, and they may be keeping "holed-up' til it gets warmer. There are many

birds at the feeders though. My---64 inches of snow in your area......no wonder you're

ready to see the last of it. Your daffodils will be nice when they come up. My husband

planted over 100 daffodils a couple yrs. ago. We have them all over in small spots. The

shadowbox for Mike's flag and medals will be such a nice tribute for him and his 26 yrs.

service. My husband was in (USMC) only 3 yrs......22 mo. of it in Vietnam. He is very

quiet about it......doesn't say much. So glad that the pup is doing ok.....hope she learns

whose 'Boss'....so funny.!

Becky ----Thanks for the greeting.

Gretchen----

Good to see your post. How are you getting along?

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, how are you? How was your Easter? I forgot to mention to you that Call the Midwife started again last night for the new season. Your daffodils sound lovely. I have always loved them as they are such a cheery little flower and so pretty. Brenda....please let us know how you make out at your Doc appt. with Kaleb. I am sorry that you are having so many difficulties. It can't be easy. I am sure it was bittersweet choosing the monument for Brian. Speaking of memory loss you are talking to the pro! I actually mixed up my two little granddaughters birthdays this year. I was sure popular. I put it down to so much on my mind at the time. Greg...there are always idiots out there. Sorry you had to encounter one of them! Gretchen....what is going on in your neck of the woods? Carol, sounds like the weekend was hectic for you. Nothing like teens to keep you on your toes. Dee...how was the first day back? Sure hope your weather is better than ours. It is sunny today and yet there is still so much snow left to melt. So much for wearing an easter spring outfit yesterday. We had a decent day all things considered. We attended a lovely service at church and then back to the hall for an easter lunch. There were tons of homemade desserts and lots of chocolate candies, etc. Really yummy. Then we came back home for my husband to go back to bed . He slept the entire afternoon. I did have an opportunity to go for a brief stroll. I actually saw a seagull. Go figure? He must have wondered what the Sam was going on with all of the snow around. Even the geese are arriving back and looking stunned. Who could blame them? I spoke to my son in Calgary yesterday and it is the complete opposite. Sunny and going up to 17C. Mid sixties. I'll take that any day to this. The breeze off of the lake is cool. It's like living next to a giant ice cube right now. Once it starts it should not take long to melt. Well, thinking of everyone. Hope you had a decent day. Kate

[BrendaDup59]

Well

we got back from the doctors .. and we are going to try a few things and see what works luckily Kaleb is on spring break so I can see if there are any changes his doctor is going to see us again on Friday to see if it worked if not we are going to try plan B , as far as horror stories been there , I had a doctor that we went to for a least 5 years well we only saw him once every 6 months at the hospital and then communicated over the phone I trusted him and when I would question what he was doing he would insinuate I would have to find another doctor .and that was not an option and he knew that . well he put Kaleb on several medications to make a really long story short he over dosed my 7 year old to the point no one would help me detox him I had 3 places I went to turned me away because they did not want the responsibility so I had to bring him home and lower his dose myself, I reported him to the hospital my husband is retired military so we go where they tell us and that was the army hospital on Ft.Knox so I talked to a lady in patient affairs she was so upset at what I told her she went to the head guy and a month later I got a letter saying that the doctor was no longer practicing at that hospital .. when I called his office I had to speak to his Secretary Susie I wanted to tell him what he did to my son but he would not even get on the phone and speak to me I could hear him speaking to the lady I was talking too , I told her what Kosair children's hospital said that my son had been over dosed and she told me she didn't know why they would say that as they have a lot of kids on that much medication so then I told her well he is over dosing a lot of children! I tried to get a lawyer that would help me hold him responsible for what he did and not one would take my case come to find out he was not even a psychiatrist he was a pediatric doctor and a geneticist ..he had been prescribing powerful drugs to my son that were never approved for children he also put him on a medication that the highest dose for an adult is 70 mg a day he had my son on 130 mg a day when I called the maker of the drug they were so upset I had to talk to someone else and I had to fill out paper work to report him. so believe me I now watch and read everything I can on what my son takes ,I blamed myself a lot for what happen I should have stood up to him I almost let this man kill my son .. so I have become his biggest advocate because no one else will ever hurt him again.. I will never forget the day he came home from school and said mom I don't feel good I looked at him and his whole little body was ticking from his eyes, to his feet could not be still my sister who is a retired paramedic came over we tested his blood sugar it was at 56 so we rushed him to Kosairs children's hospital , he said he wanted to die, he had bugs in his throat and head and he needed to cut them out . I can not tell you how heartbreaking and scary it was to go through that with him but we go to another doctor and he has done so good so far ..so hopefully we can work around this ,I had myself worked up to the point of a panic attack last night ,all I kept thinking is I can not lose another son .since I lost Brian I have such fear of it happening again ... well sorry this is so long and bless you if you got through the whole thing.. I am sorry for not being able to post to everyone.I just feel like my life is just 1 big mess but I guess it will all work out

Sherry , Kate and Mermaid tears .. tha you for you sweet comments and concern..

Love Brenda

[ericasmom]

'Where to start???Greg, I am appalled at the heartless comment from the woman whose land the cross sits. Really, the trash of broken balloons is her worry? Yikes, if worries were that small, who would not like to have such small worries? I for one, am glad that you are able to still decorate the area and pay homage to your Dear Son. He and Eri will be singing some good songs together this April, oh and Andrew too, another April Child. I do believe we have more April Birthdays among our Angels, our little Spring Babes.

Carol, I do believe many have had issues with photo posting so hopefully that will be corrected. Your grand girls are getting so grown up aren't they? WOnderful for you all to have this time together. I hope that the weather gets nicer and that you are able to spend some sunny time outdoors. When is your beloved Baseball team going to begin or did they today? The Cubs won their season opener in Philly and the Sox won in Chicago.

Sherry, my husband did a similar thing a few years back, he planted many clumps of different kinds of daffs and soon they will be opening up and smiling at the world in their many kinds of yellow. Happy happy flowers.

Brenda, my goodness it sounds as though that doctor should be put in jail, how dare he experiment with Kaleb and other children. Goodness knows that the drugs to assist in these areas that Kaleb is in need are tricky enough, to go ahead and give him huge doses proves he has no right being called a doctor. Glad that you took the steps you did to bring awareness of this bad guy.

Now as a teacher, I am glad when parents do go in for new meds or a look at the old meds when they stop working or when a child develops some new tick of sorts. It isn't easy, and finding the right levels and the right combo of drugs is very hard and requires so much patience...I am so proud of your Boy for being able to let you know how he is feeling. You have been through many difficult journeys Brenda, it is the MOM in you that fights for fairness and fights for the best situation for your Boy. I am so sorry for all of the anxiety that plays right into this situation with Kaleb. We are holding you tight and praying that Kalebs doctors find exactly what is best for him, and that you begin to heal too. Peace.

[Mermaid Tears]

Well

we got back from the doctors .. and we are going to try a few things and see what works luckily Kaleb is on spring break so I can see if there are any changes his doctor is going to see us again on Friday to see if it worked if not we are going to try plan B , as far as horror stories been there , I had a doctor that we went to for a least 5 years well we only saw him once every 6 months at the hospital and then communicated over the phone I trusted him and when I would question what he was doing he would insinuate I would have to find another doctor .and that was not an option and he knew that . well he put Kaleb on several medications to make a really long story short he over dosed my 7 year old to the point no one would help me detox him I had 3 places I went to turned me away because they did not want the responsibility so I had to bring him home and lower his dose myself, I reported him to the hospital my husband is retired military so we go where they tell us and that was the army hospital on Ft.Knox so I talked to a lady in patient affairs she was so upset at what I told her she went to the head guy and a month later I got a letter saying that the doctor was no longer practicing at that hospital .. when I called his office I had to speak to his Secretary Susie I wanted to tell him what he did to my son but he would not even get on the phone and speak to me I could hear him speaking to the lady I was talking too , I told her what Kosair children's hospital said that my son had been over dosed and she told me she didn't know why they would say that as they have a lot of kids on that much medication so then I told her well he is over dosing a lot of children! I tried to get a lawyer that would help me hold him responsible for what he did and not one would take my case come to find out he was not even a psychiatrist he was a pediatric doctor and a geneticist ..he had been prescribing powerful drugs to my son that were never approved for children he also put him on a medication that the highest dose for an adult is 70 mg a day he had my son on 130 mg a day when I called the maker of the drug they were so upset I had to talk to someone else and I had to fill out paper work to report him. so believe me I now watch and read everything I can on what my son takes ,I blamed myself a lot for what happen I should have stood up to him I almost let this man kill my son .. so I have become his biggest advocate because no one else will ever hurt him again.. I will never forget the day he came home from school and said mom I don't feel good I looked at him and his whole little body was ticking from his eyes, to his feet could not be still my sister who is a retired paramedic came over we tested his blood sugar it was at 56 so we rushed him to Kosairs children's hospital , he said he wanted to die, he had bugs in his throat and head and he needed to cut them out . I can not tell you how heartbreaking and scary it was to go through that with him but we go to another doctor and he has done so good so far ..so hopefully we can work around this ,I had myself worked up to the point of a panic attack last night ,all I kept thinking is I can not lose another son .since I lost Brian I have such fear of it happening again ... well sorry this is so long and bless you if you got through the whole thing.. I am sorry for not being able to post to everyone.I just feel like my life is just 1 big mess but I guess it will all work out

Sherry , Kate and Mermaid tears .. tha you for you sweet comments and concern..

Love Brenda

We are here....and so happy that you already have your hand in all of it....you are doing good...you are going on all 6 pistons...my son, Aaron, who is the Dr. would be very happy to read what you posted...for he has already had to 'approach' some that hand out medication 'cause they are too lazy to read what the child already is on..sad..so sad...he has had to report many....that have these kids on meds so bad....they don't even know their name...insane...and I know that feeling of 'the other shoe dropping'....exhausting....and I carry it...and when I try to put it down....it follows me...follows me....

[Mermaid Tears]

'Where to start???Greg, I am appalled at the heartless comment from the woman whose land the cross sits. Really, the trash of broken balloons is her worry? Yikes, if worries were that small, who would not like to have such small worries? I for one, am glad that you are able to still decorate the area and pay homage to your Dear Son. He and Eri will be singing some good songs together this April, oh and Andrew too, another April Child. I do believe we have more April Birthdays among our Angels, our little Spring Babes.

Carol, I do believe many have had issues with photo posting so hopefully that will be corrected. Your grand girls are getting so grown up aren't they? WOnderful for you all to have this time together. I hope that the weather gets nicer and that you are able to spend some sunny time outdoors. When is your beloved Baseball team going to begin or did they today? The Cubs won their season opener in Philly and the Sox won in Chicago.

Sherry, my husband did a similar thing a few years back, he planted many clumps of different kinds of daffs and soon they will be opening up and smiling at the world in their many kinds of yellow. Happy happy flowers.

Brenda, my goodness it sounds as though that doctor should be put in jail, how dare he experiment with Kaleb and other children. Goodness knows that the drugs to assist in these areas that Kaleb is in need are tricky enough, to go ahead and give him huge doses proves he has no right being called a doctor. Glad that you took the steps you did to bring awareness of this bad guy.

Now as a teacher, I am glad when parents do go in for new meds or a look at the old meds when they stop working or when a child develops some new tick of sorts. It isn't easy, and finding the right levels and the right combo of drugs is very hard and requires so much patience...I am so proud of your Boy for being able to let you know how he is feeling. You have been through many difficult journeys Brenda, it is the MOM in you that fights for fairness and fights for the best situation for your Boy. I am so sorry for all of the anxiety that plays right into this situation with Kaleb. We are holding you tight and praying that Kalebs doctors find exactly what is best for him, and that you begin to heal too. Peace.

Dee...thank you for your words and sharing....the words stay with me....and I carry them around during the day...to fit..or salvage the few words that will adjust....the thoughts that will help keep me in balance for another day....

[ericasmom]

Susan, how nice that your DR. Boy helps slow the output of too many doses to kids. And thanks Sweetie Girl, I am glad that I can be helpful to your spirit. You are so Dear.

[Mermaid Tears]

Susan, how nice that your DR. Boy helps slow the output of too many doses to kids. And thanks Sweetie Girl, I am glad that I can be helpful to your spirit. You are so Dear.

If not dear....just trying to keep near....this grief is such a physical thing...am plowing through it all...under a leaf.? We can't go home again....

[ericasmom]

Indeed, we cannot go home again, we instead make a new home from what we still love and from what we keep forever as evidence to that other time, that simpler time.

Susan, I know the physicality of it all can be overwhelming, our arms ache to the form of who once was in them. The tangible items we keep and keep because we need sometimes to just touch something that once was his/hers. I wrote a poem called, Tangible Things, I will post it when I can.

Brenda, meant to tell you that whenever you are up to getting a stone or memorial piece for your Son is when the right time is. These things are too big, too deep to be rushed. No guilt there, we have enough guilt in our lives, Brian would want you to feel no guilt there.

[ericasmom]

Tangible things

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress,

yellow satin,

the first skating skirt,

double tiered.

Her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect.

[ericasmom]

a Song I love, Eri also loved and then it became about her death to me.

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you

That I almost believe that they're real

I've been living so long with my pictures of you

That I almost believe that the pictures are

All I can feel

Remembering

You standing quiet in the rain

As I ran to your heart to be near

And we kissed as the sky fell in

Holding you close

How I always held close in your fear

Remembering

You running soft through the night

You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow

And screamed at the make-believe

Screamed at the sky

And you finally found all your courage

To let it all go

Remembering

You fallen into my arms

Crying for the death of your heart

You were stone white

So delicate

Lost in the cold

You were always so lost in the dark

Remembering

You how you used to be

Slow drowned

You were angels

So much more than everything

Hold for the last time then slip away quietly

Open my eyes

But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words

I could have held on to your heart

If only I'd thought of the right words

I wouldn't be breaking apart

All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you

But I never hold on to your heart

Looking so long for the words to be true

But always just breaking apart

My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to feel you deep in my heart

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to never feel the breaking apart

All my pictures of you

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry.....you came into my thoughts on Easter Sunday....last Easter my husband and I went to Houston to have Easter dinner with John David....this Easter we traveled to League City to have Easter with our son, Jesse, and his family...they welcomed the 'new little man in my life, Wyatt John on Dec. 14th, 2012...my daughter, Randa, came with 3 of her children..Austin-(sophomore in college), Taylor, 15, and Pebbie, age 9....so happy to have 2 of my 6 children with me on THAT day...and lots of grandchildren.....Wyatt is now 3 1/2 months old...(will try to post a photo for some reason, haven't been able to do that for a few days)....but I was holding him and thinking you lost your Lisa at 6 months...maybe many that post here have the same exhausting feeling like 'the other shoe is going to drop'....and the 'what if'..thoughts that race through our minds...will lightning hit again? But you came into my thoughts...you lost your baby girl at 6 months...and can only imagine how brave you have been to come here and hold us up...then you lost your beloved son...and you still are here to give us a light on our dark path...from one Mama's heart to the other...thank you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....my son, Jeremy, the 'baby in our family'....sent me that song awhile back...John David always had his arms around him...in all the family photos....loved your poem...yes...any and every 'little' thing...becomes the 'sacred' thing....you have traveled on....in a style...I don't want to be one of those 'ones' that step back in the past and stays there...you are so right...we have to fashion our new place ....we can't go home again

my five boys...1982

[briansdad]

I looks like we have to put another dog to sleep. Her name is angel. The story behind the name is this. we has another dog who looked just like Angel. Her name was Taz because she chewed up everything. Taz was Brian's favorite dog. Not long after Brian died we had to put her down. It tore me up. My niece works for a vet and someone brought in a dog that looked just like Taz.

When I saw her I knew I had to have her and named her Angel. She helped me through some hard times in my early grief. Now I have to say goodbye. I guess I was lucky to have her come along.

[Guest]

.

[daveydow1]

Susan---Thank you for your kind words. I agree----this grief road is hard

work. There were many years between the death of Lisa, and the death of

David...(who was Lisa's younger brother by one year). He died in 2003,

and she died in 1970. So nice that you had such a nice gathering of your

family for Easter. The pic of little Wyatt is just so cute...darling baby! Also,

thanks for the pic of your boys in 1982-----all so handsome. The hard work

of grieving can be so draining at times, so I guess we must just step back

from our thoughts, as best we can, and try finding some joy in all the

other areas of our lives....like our other children/grandchildren/family members.

But, we will always carry the love and memory of the dear child/children

that went before us. Peace to you.

Dee----

Thanks for the poem and the song. The poem you wrote says, so well,

how we can tuck those beloved objects away into our Treasure Chest of Memories.

I have so many of Davey's things......can't seem to let loose of them, and really

don't see why I should. We need these things...along with our memories. I, too,

love the daffodils. Here, we do have some squirrels....and they dearly love to dig

up tulip bulbs, so we're not too successful with tulips. But.....squirrels won't eat

daffodil bulbs because they have a poison in them.....strychnine or something.

Anyhow.....daffodils are such a great spring flower, aren't they? Oh---our oppossum

is back....somewhat heavier. It could be a different one than the one who came a

couple months ago....(I called him "Pogo").....or......maybe it is one who is about to become

a mama pretty soon. We'll see.

Brenda----Oh my----I'm so sorry about what happened with Kaleb being overdosed

with meds by the Dr. That is so scary, and I'm sorry you and your dear little son had

to go through that nightmare of an experience. Sad to say---there are doctors who

are inept to the point of being dangerous to their patients, and it seems they get

away with it. I agree that you are your son's best medical advocate. After all.....the

doctor is not the one who is living and taking care of the patient 24/7 so they are

not able to see any side effects. Some of the bad doctors are very arrogant, and do

not want to listen to their patients. I believe that most doctors have their patients

best interest in mind, and wish only to help them get better. But there are some who

just don't really care or are incompetent. Sending thoughts & prayers.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Music to my ears Dee! Love to hear that spring is at our doorstep. Hope you enjoy the lovely weekend. Andrewsmojo...I too am so sorry for your loss. I lost my own son Jeff just shortly before you. He has been gone 1,202 days. He suffered from severe depression. On December 12, 2009 we ate dinner as a family and he walked into his room and closed the door. A few hours later he was dead. His first and last attempt. We tried desperately to revive him, but it was too late. This pain seems so surreal for a very long time. Learning to live life again takes a huge amount of effort and a sincere desire to keep going. Many days at the beginning the desire is simply not there. The new "US" that we have to build seems so strange and unfamiliar. Why should we have to change when we were happy with our old life? Still what are the options? There simply are none. I find myself often in peaks and valleys. I want desperately to be able to talk openly about Jeff, but I find people just back away. It hurts so much not to be able to talk casually about him as if it is normal. And it is normal. It simply is uncomfortable for others and yet I no longer care that I make them feel uneasy. That is their issue to deal with. The pain will continue to come in waves as memories surface. That will always be. But your daily life will somehow begin to take new shape. And your child will always be a part of that new life. How could it be otherwise? After all...we are parents. Dee, I too am having trouble with this site. I can't use colours or post normally as I used to. Not sure why. Try as I may. Today is foggy and calling for sun later this afternoon. Think I will go for a walk after church. Thinking of everyone today. Mike's dad....hope today is good for you as you meet with your daughter for dinner tonight. Good luck! let us know how it goes. Surreal? Are you out there? Hope you are doing ok. Thinking of you. Sending love to all. Kate

Hello, this is Jesse David's mom. I just wanted to say how much your post spoke to me is about this new reality. I have not posted in awhile because I have been very depressed. So has my daughter. How do you respond to others when they want to know about your day? "Well, today I went to my son's grave and filled in some of the dirt over his grave because he was buried a little late in the season." That is not exactly what most people want to hear. So most of the time I don't tell anyone what I really do with my time. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Even with my Christian faith, there are times when all I can do is pray my weeping. Especially at the grave site.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you God, for the sacrifice of your only son, Jesus, that we may have the promise of heaven, where we will be reunited again.

Original Post March 19th, 2012

Re-posted on Easter, 2013.

That is very beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Jesse David's Mom

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I looks like we have to put another dog to sleep. Her name is angel. The story behind the name is this. we has another dog who looked just like Angel. Her name was Taz because she chewed up everything. Taz was Brian's favorite dog. Not long after Brian died we had to put her down. It tore me up. My niece works for a vet and someone brought in a dog that looked just like Taz.

When I saw her I knew I had to have her and named her Angel. She helped me through some hard times in my early grief. Now I have to say goodbye. I guess I was lucky to have her come along.

So sorry about the loss of your dog. I totally understand. Our dogs have always become part of the family. We loss both of our long time dogs before our son's death. You might enjoy reading the Pet Stories section from Guideposts. It contains a number of stories of how God uses these beautiful creatures.

http://www.guideposts.org/inspiration/pet-stories

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Tangible things

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress,

yellow satin,

the first skating skirt,

double tiered.

Her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect.

I agree....

[ericasmom]

Hello All,

love love LOVE the photos today, of little Boy Wyatt, so very beautiful, and of your kids Susan, so nice, the smiles are all beautiful. Yes Susan, that song speaks volumes. Glad you liked the poem. So nice to have had some of your wonderful brood with you on Easter. Pebbie? Is that short for something or is that her given name. I love it!

Greg, prayers for Angel that she feels no pain even though your heart is breaking. But oh, she has certainly seen you through some times hasn't she. Good old girl.

Love the photo of Cara on the decking, wonderful. Might you use that photo Lora. SHe is stunning. A powerfully good heart in that Girl. Thanks for your birthday hopes.

JesseD's Mom, the complete heartache that you are feeling adn that your daughter is experiencing is what we have to go through in order to find our steps, even when we don't want new steps. We are holding your hands and leaving our footfalls for you to follow.

Sherry, I bet that oppossum is going to be a Mama with her little babies riding on her back soon. Fun.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hi, my husband and I went to get my sons monument started I have not been able to face it but I have felt so guilty that he did not have one ,I think it is going to be beautiful , but I do have to tell you it is pretty bad when you don't get your sons middle name right , Brian's middle name is Edmund and Brett's middle name is Edward well I was sitting here thinking to myself I think I got there names mixed up sure enough I did, talk about embarrassing!

Sometimes it helps just to get a rough draft of your information together ahead of time. (Dates, names, verses if used, etc) I actually looked at other monument companies web sites so I could see what was out there and for ideas. This helped me when I got there. Also, I was able to send most of my stuff to the monument company through their web site ahead of time to minimize the time I spent there.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sometimes it helps just to get a rough draft of your information together ahead of time. (Dates, names, verses if used, etc) I actually looked at other monument companies web sites so I could see what was out there and for ideas. This helped me when I got there. Also, I was able to send most of my stuff to the monument company through their web site ahead of time to minimize the time I spent there.

I also would not worry about being embarrassed. It is very stressful. I spent most of my first time there crying and trying to figure out my son's birthday.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hello All,

love love LOVE the photos today, of little Boy Wyatt, so very beautiful, and of your kids Susan, so nice, the smiles are all beautiful. Yes Susan, that song speaks volumes. Glad you liked the poem. So nice to have had some of your wonderful brood with you on Easter. Pebbie? Is that short for something or is that her given name. I love it!

Greg, prayers for Angel that she feels no pain even though your heart is breaking. But oh, she has certainly seen you through some times hasn't she. Good old girl.

Love the photo of Cara on the decking, wonderful. Might you use that photo Lora. SHe is stunning. A powerfully good heart in that Girl. Thanks for your birthday hopes.

JesseD's Mom, the complete heartache that you are feeling adn that your daughter is experiencing is what we have to go through in order to find our steps, even when we don't want new steps. We are holding your hands and leaving our footfalls for you to follow.

Sherry, I bet that oppossum is going to be a Mama with her little babies riding on her back soon. Fun.

Thanks for your response. I have been reading what others have posted to find my way. I find it hard to talk to others who even if they have the compassion, they just don't know and really understand this terrible journey. For instance this past Sunday for some reason my Pastor got on a kick to criticize the many books recently released on near death experiences. This included the "Heaven is for Real" book by the Burpos. My daughter was very upset because this is some material that was helping her cope with her brother's death. This church has had a lot of funerals this past year. I think my pastor should not have ventured there because these type of books serve a purpose. And if your child is still living it is easy to criticize books like Mary Neal's book on the death of her son (To Heaven and Back). Our church was there for us and still are, but unfortunately sometimes people don't know when they are stealing your life preserver. I have found that reading hospice stories has helped me as well with the reality of death and the transition that goes with it.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, thank you for sharing Jeff with us and the beautiful memories you have. I love to hear about each and everyone of the children on here.

Carol, I am sure it is hard without Mike Sr. this year at church but I am glad that you have family to spend Easter with. You have lost your husband this year but also lost the person you shared your memories with and your pain with the loss of your son Mike. Sort of like a double loss.

Greg, I am sorry you have to be subjected to these type of people but we all have learned, through this journey, they just don't understand and I hope that they never have to. Sorry for the loss of angel. I know my cats are so comforting to me.

Brenda, I have Cara's headstone picked out but I am still trying to pick out the right pictures for on it. I just want to make sure it is right. I am sorry to hear about Kaleb and I hope this new medication will help him recover from his new medical issues. I know with Brett and other family members, it has not been easy but I can see you are putting Kaleb first.

Dee, We are suppose to have weather in the 50s by Friday. I hope the children are being easy on you. Thinking about you, with Eri's birthday coming.

Susan, Wyatt is so precious. As far as the what if, how, and why, for me, I got to a point and realized that no matter how many times I ask myself those questions, I am not going to get an answer and it is not going to change the end result. I know when those bad days come they have a way of coming back to the surface.

Andrewsmojo, I am sorry for your loss but glad you found this site.

Gretchen, you always stop in and share a picture of our angels together. I like to think of our angels together. Cara loved her brothers and their hugs, I know she has several brothers and some wonderful sister now, too. Good to see you.

Shelly, Cake recipe sounds like a lot of work but good. Anything with fresh ingredients is always good. Thank you for sharing.

Sherry, I hope you had a nice Easter and I am sure your weather has been like ours with rain and cold.

Sorry I have been missing in action but I have been tired and helping a few people with some problems and not a lot of energy left for here. My cousins son is back on drugs and she is so upset and just needed someone to talk to. My coworkers 13 yr old son has anxiety and is pulling his hair out and I finally talked her into getting him therapy, she thought he could stop himself but he can't, several bald patches on his head. My other coworker has just gotten out of a bad relationship and also wants my advice and help. So I have been busy with that and work.

The best thing to describe how I feel lately is the lyrics from a song is, "I don't know where I'm going

But, I sure know where I've been."

When people tell me I don't have to do this alone, I tell them I am not alone, I have my family here. Blessed to have found this site.

A little story, I went to see my parents last night and my dad took me by this picture I took of Cara for one of her senior picture and he said you are going to think I am crazy but she watches me. He said look she is looking at me over here and then I walk past and she is looking at me here. I just smiled, I think it was a sign. She is truly watching over us. I will post it here. I miss her and her beautiful smile.

Have a peaceful night.

She is a very beautiful girl.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hello All,

love love LOVE the photos today, of little Boy Wyatt, so very beautiful, and of your kids Susan, so nice, the smiles are all beautiful. Yes Susan, that song speaks volumes. Glad you liked the poem. So nice to have had some of your wonderful brood with you on Easter. Pebbie? Is that short for something or is that her given name. I love it!

Greg, prayers for Angel that she feels no pain even though your heart is breaking. But oh, she has certainly seen you through some times hasn't she. Good old girl.

Love the photo of Cara on the decking, wonderful. Might you use that photo Lora. SHe is stunning. A powerfully good heart in that Girl. Thanks for your birthday hopes.

JesseD's Mom, the complete heartache that you are feeling adn that your daughter is experiencing is what we have to go through in order to find our steps, even when we don't want new steps. We are holding your hands and leaving our footfalls for you to follow.

Sherry, I bet that oppossum is going to be a Mama with her little babies riding on her back soon. Fun.

Thank you Dee....does...or have you....or anyone...ever feel like just ditching all the success..house...assets...money...place...stuff....and just running away...?? I guess that is being immature...not standing your ground kind of thing...running away....I guess we can't run that far anyway. It is what it is I guess. I just wonder if anyone ever thinks about these things..?? We would only carry our grief where we go...

[ericasmom]

Susan, I can't say that we have a lot of assets or wealth to run away from, but yes, I do think that many feel the need to make vast changes after losing a child, where others need desperately to keep living where they last lived with their child. It is very individual. I think the hardest thing to maintain are marriages as they take a beating with the death of a Child. Nobody grieves alike, often one partner needs to isolate while the other feels abandoned...it is workable but it is hard. Some people successfully change their lives and go after a new simpler life. Most books and therapists suggest no big decisions that first year if it can be helped. It is already so big a change, to add more might cause more trauma later. Yes, many want to run but know that those same long nights are out there no matter where we live. BUt change can be good, so maybe experiment with a long-ish vacation if finances allow, to see a new place, to give you new perspective, a fresh view, an inspiring kind of surrounding.

Jesse's Mom, I am sad that the clergy put down the book about near-death. So many of us have read books about that and are believers of these kinds of phenomena. There is no reason for the book to be put down knowing that many in the congregation have lost loved ones. I hope that your Daughter is able to still read and glean what she can from these stories. There are a few books written for siblings who are grieving. I love the book, "The Worst Loss" and " DON'T let death ruin your life" the title is off-putting but the stories inside are good and inspiring and honest. How old is your Daughter? I ask because there is a memoir I love byAlison Smith about the loss of her brother, however it reads like fiction and I don't know if there are details that are too much for your Daughter. Her brother died in an accident and the book is titled, " Name All the Animals." Loved it. My thoughts to you as you bare your broken heart and realize that it is in this act that you find tiny bits of hope.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello, this is Jesse David's mom. I just wanted to say how much your post spoke to me is about this new reality. I have not posted in awhile because I have been very depressed. So has my daughter. How do you respond to others when they want to know about your day? "Well, today I went to my son's grave and filled in some of the dirt over his grave because he was buried a little late in the season." That is not exactly what most people want to hear. So most of the time I don't tell anyone what I really do with my time. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Even with my Christian faith, there are times when all I can do is pray my weeping. Especially at the grave site.

This new life that I have forged is not to my liking at this point. I don't want to be in this place. None of us do. Reality check in at regular intervals is what keeps me going. Someone mentioned about ditching material things and just taking off. But what would be the good of that? After all we are running from ourselves and the immense pain we are carrying. The hardest part is to come to grip with it and keep on going. It takes real work. Beating back the pain, resentment, anger, etc. Coming to grips with the fact that after the initial shock wears off that we are left standing alone with ourselves laid bare. How to start to begin again is a huge challenge. I was already at a low point when my son died. I had suffered a mild stroke at 46. My husband had lost the family business due to the recession. We had been in business for 46 years. We had to make a decision to keep our home or cottage. We chose to live in the country to escape the rat race of everything. With his death I also lost my few family members that took theattitude that we needed to work this out alone. That his death left a bad taste in their mouths and it impacted their freedom and conscience to live their extravagant lives. They felt uneasy with it and it was so much better to just walk away. And they did. And did it ever hurt. As if losing him was not enough. But in truth....today I just wish them well and say a prayer that God will forgive them for being so cruel. I have far too much on my plate to deal with right now. My husbands illness has me on my toes again and concentrating on the needs at hand. That and looking after our 13 year old blind dog. In losing everything I have found that much of my former life was not important. Although I did not know it at that time. I do now. I enjoy the simple things in life these days. I am grateful for each and every small blessing. I take pleasure in the things many take for granted that cannot be bought. Jeff's death forced me to stand still and focus. It has been a true learning experience for me. Each day is a continual up hill battle. Some days I just wish I could just sit on a warm sunny beach and take a day off from worrying. I can't. That is not an option here. So I have to be hard on myself. I am alone in this and I have to face it as it is. My faith sustains me and without it I am certain I would just pack it in for good.

[mikesmomrs]

Got an email from Eric saying that he thought he had fixed the problem with posting pics...trying it out... here's hoping it works. Taking Kim and girls out now for lunch and then maybe some laser tag. Thinking of all today.

KATE: I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now...my heart and prayers to you, and to hubby.

GREG: So very sorry about Angel...I know your heart is breaking.

the pics are of the shadow box we did for Mike, with all of his medals, etc., in it. It did come out nice.,,,Kim put it together for her daddy's services. We had one when he retired, but it got broken during our move, and we didn't have everything in it that should be there. The other is the military photo and commendation from the president (in this case, Pres Obama, because he is who was president at the time Mike died.

the other is a cute picture of Damon, young Mike's youngest (Now, unbelievably, EIGHT!) the Easter before his daddy found out he had terminal cancer. Such a cute picture, and you can really see his "sweetheart" hairline in this pic! No wonder we see so many hearts!

[tobyfreefoot]

Forest and Ashlie 21 months gone.

"According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly." --unknown

This seems to be the kind of straws i grasp at most often.

[Mermaid Tears]

About yesterday....I remember posting that if I sit all day and try to recall every memory...it just doesn't happen...but there can be a word or phrase or place that will open a portal...to a memory...it happens here in Brenham....for there is a memory on every street corner of John David and yesterday it happened...again...

Our daughter and husband have gathered two boys in their arms and family....both boys were on George's Youth football teams....when they were around 10...one is a black boy, Mike and the other is a spanish boy, Ricky...Mike is graduating High school and going to play football at Kilgore Jr. College....Ricky was in the same grade as my twins..Hunter Bear and Taylor...they held him back this year...so Ricky is still in the 8th grade...(the twins are Freshman)....he was very ashamed but I told him that he will find it was the best thing that could happen to him if he had the right attitude. Ricky now comes to my house everyday after school...(the Jr. High is one block over)....Randa and George are picking up the twins at the High School ....but Ricky has been in my house for years...in fact, he spends all the holidays with us.....one doesn't have to get custody of a kid to help them out...just be there and show up....(his story is too long for me to go into).....suffice to say...we are there for him.....he asked a few weeks ago if I would help him out with a tuxedo for a special function...I said yes...he does yard work for me in exchange for 'extra' stuff...so...yesterday I take him to the place to order the tux....and the lady waiting on us asked what grade he was in...he said the '8th' and wham....there was that memory.....John David in the 8th grade...asking me if he could have a tux for the 8th grade prom....I told him he had a jacket and slacks..and a suit...and the other boys were not getting a tux....but ...he really wanted a white tux....so we let him have it....and there I was again...getting an 8th grade boy a white tux....remembering how it thrilled John David...how excited he was....and proud.....and there I was with another boy....doing it all again....how happy Ricky was....I took Ricky to his grandmother's...and then stopped to have my 'weeping session' in the car...(that seems to be a common place for us to cry)....at home I had Tay and one of her friends and Pebbie....Daniel had a good day and was going to play poker with friends...I had to finish dinner for Randa was coming over....I didn't want to 'rain on a good day'....for everyone had been so tense about Easter.....so I didn't say anything for I would be sobbing it out....that was what was behind the...'maybe it would be ok just to run away'....I, in my wisdom, know you can't run away from sadness or problems....but it would be such a respite to take off this heavy cloak of grief....it is not as heavy as some days or moments....even today....I have not related it to Daniel or anyone.....just the ones on here....that will understand and embrace how these memories can come....now I can relate to my husband and family but I do know they need some 'ok' days and let the grandkids have a Nonnie that isn't crying...here is John David in his tux for the 8th grade prom....

[Mermaid Tears]

John David...you have 'gone' before us...today marks 8 months....

Thanks for the words of comfort, Dee....it is such a priceless gift to have someone that knows just how the the road turns...that has a mapping of where we are.....and has been in those places

Pebbie is now 9 years old....her real name is Presli....her Dad started calling her Pebbie when she was born....99% of the people here call her that....here is a photo of her..she won Honorary Mention in the Brenham Art League Competition....she drew a picture of her 'Uncle John David' in his Navy uniform....she was so proud...

[Mermaid Tears]

Forest and Ashlie 21 months gone.

"According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly." --unknown

This seems to be the kind of straws i grasp at most often.

Did they pass together...?? I am sorry I don't have the 'story'......blessings to you and yours.

[Jeff's Mom]

Forest and Ashlie 21 months gone.

"According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly." --unknown

This seems to be the kind of straws i grasp at most often.

Gretchen...the kids make a handsome young couple. Hope you are keeping well.

[Jeff's Mom]

About yesterday....I remember posting that if I sit all day and try to recall every memory...it just doesn't happen...but there can be a word or phrase or place that will open a portal...to a memory...it happens here in Brenham....for there is a memory on every street corner of John David and yesterday it happened...again...

Our daughter and husband have gathered two boys in their arms and family....both boys were on George's Youth football teams....when they were around 10...one is a black boy, Mike and the other is a spanish boy, Ricky...Mike is graduating High school and going to play football at Kilgore Jr. College....Ricky was in the same grade as my twins..Hunter Bear and Taylor...they held him back this year...so Ricky is still in the 8th grade...(the twins are Freshman)....he was very ashamed but I told him that he will find it was the best thing that could happen to him if he had the right attitude. Ricky now comes to my house everyday after school...(the Jr. High is one block over)....Randa and George are picking up the twins at the High School ....but Ricky has been in my house for years...in fact, he spends all the holidays with us.....one doesn't have to get custody of a kid to help them out...just be there and show up....(his story is too long for me to go into).....suffice to say...we are there for him.....he asked a few weeks ago if I would help him out with a tuxedo for a special function...I said yes...he does yard work for me in exchange for 'extra' stuff...so...yesterday I take him to the place to order the tux....and the lady waiting on us asked what grade he was in...he said the '8th' and wham....there was that memory.....John David in the 8th grade...asking me if he could have a tux for the 8th grade prom....I told him he had a jacket and slacks..and a suit...and the other boys were not getting a tux....but ...he really wanted a white tux....so we let him have it....and there I was again...getting an 8th grade boy a white tux....remembering how it thrilled John David...how excited he was....and proud.....and there I was with another boy....doing it all again....how happy Ricky was....I took Ricky to his grandmother's...and then stopped to have my 'weeping session' in the car...(that seems to be a common place for us to cry)....at home I had Tay and one of her friends and Pebbie....Daniel had a good day and was going to play poker with friends...I had to finish dinner for Randa was coming over....I didn't want to 'rain on a good day'....for everyone had been so tense about Easter.....so I didn't say anything for I would be sobbing it out....that was what was behind the...'maybe it would be ok just to run away'....I, in my wisdom, know you can't run away from sadness or problems....but it would be such a respite to take off this heavy cloak of grief....it is not as heavy as some days or moments....even today....I have not related it to Daniel or anyone.....just the ones on here....that will understand and embrace how these memories can come....now I can relate to my husband and family but I do know they need some 'ok' days and let the grandkids have a Nonnie that isn't crying...here is John David in his tux for the 8th grade prom....

John David is so handsome in his white Tux! How proud you must have been on that day to have seen him so happy and full of excitement.

[Jeff's Mom]

Got an email from Eric saying that he thought he had fixed the problem with posting pics...trying it out... here's hoping it works. Taking Kim and girls out now for lunch and then maybe some laser tag. Thinking of all today.

KATE: I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now...my heart and prayers to you, and to hubby.

GREG: So very sorry about Angel...I know your heart is breaking.

the pics are of the shadow box we did for Mike, with all of his medals, etc., in it. It did come out nice.,,,Kim put it together for her daddy's services. We had one when he retired, but it got broken during our move, and we didn't have everything in it that should be there. The other is the military photo and commendation from the president (in this case, Pres Obama, because he is who was president at the time Mike died.

the other is a cute picture of Damon, young Mike's youngest (Now, unbelievably, EIGHT!) the Easter before his daddy found out he had terminal cancer. Such a cute picture, and you can really see his "sweetheart" hairline in this pic! No wonder we see so many hearts!

Thanks Carol, for your kind thoughts. Hope you enjoyed your lunch out with the girls. I enjoyed seeing your photos. How comforting it is to be surrounded by such warm and lovely memories. We had a strange day today. A mixture of snow and rain and very strong winds. But I am truly happy to say that I finally saw my first robin of the season! Poor thing was perched high on the branch of an oak tree. Surely, warm weather is just around the corner. I saw a disturbing thing this afternoon when I went into a grocery store. It was a fairly large store and I headed into an aisle where I was alone with another elderly woman. I watched as she quickly lifted her coat and tucked something into it. Then as I glanced back she again tucked something into her pocket. It broke my heart to think that she was in a situation of needing to lift something. I saw another lady further down the aisle glance and also looked at me to see what I may do. In truth...I am ashamed to say I walked away and said nothing. What I wish I had done was to have taken her into the rest of the store with a cart and bought her more groceries. Well, hubby has developed an infection and is decidedly uncomfortable today. We are off to see the surgeon tomorrow again. Wishing everyone a decent evening. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Got an email from Eric saying that he thought he had fixed the problem with posting pics...trying it out... here's hoping it works. Taking Kim and girls out now for lunch and then maybe some laser tag. Thinking of all today.

KATE: I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now...my heart and prayers to you, and to hubby.

GREG: So very sorry about Angel...I know your heart is breaking.

the pics are of the shadow box we did for Mike, with all of his medals, etc., in it. It did come out nice.,,,Kim put it together for her daddy's services. We had one when he retired, but it got broken during our move, and we didn't have everything in it that should be there. The other is the military photo and commendation from the president (in this case, Pres Obama, because he is who was president at the time Mike died.

the other is a cute picture of Damon, young Mike's youngest (Now, unbelievably, EIGHT!) the Easter before his daddy found out he had terminal cancer. Such a cute picture, and you can really see his "sweetheart" hairline in this pic! No wonder we see so many hearts!

How impressive...and just makes your heart bustin' out with pride...so very thankful for those who serve and have served our Beautiful America.....what a cutie.....now 8? what does that handsome little man look like now ?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

This new life that I have forged is not to my liking at this point. I don't want to be in this place. None of us do. Reality check in at regular intervals is what keeps me going. Someone mentioned about ditching material things and just taking off. But what would be the good of that? After all we are running from ourselves and the immense pain we are carrying. The hardest part is to come to grip with it and keep on going. It takes real work. Beating back the pain, resentment, anger, etc. Coming to grips with the fact that after the initial shock wears off that we are left standing alone with ourselves laid bare. How to start to begin again is a huge challenge. I was already at a low point when my son died. I had suffered a mild stroke at 46. My husband had lost the family business due to the recession. We had been in business for 46 years. We had to make a decision to keep our home or cottage. We chose to live in the country to escape the rat race of everything. With his death I also lost my few family members that took theattitude that we needed to work this out alone. That his death left a bad taste in their mouths and it impacted their freedom and conscience to live their extravagant lives. They felt uneasy with it and it was so much better to just walk away. And they did. And did it ever hurt. As if losing him was not enough. But in truth....today I just wish them well and say a prayer that God will forgive them for being so cruel. I have far too much on my plate to deal with right now. My husbands illness has me on my toes again and concentrating on the needs at hand. That and looking after our 13 year old blind dog. In losing everything I have found that much of my former life was not important. Although I did not know it at that time. I do now. I enjoy the simple things in life these days. I am grateful for each and every small blessing. I take pleasure in the things many take for granted that cannot be bought. Jeff's death forced me to stand still and focus. It has been a true learning experience for me. Each day is a continual up hill battle. Some days I just wish I could just sit on a warm sunny beach and take a day off from worrying. I can't. That is not an option here. So I have to be hard on myself. I am alone in this and I have to face it as it is. My faith sustains me and without it I am certain I would just pack it in for good.

That is sad your family did not walk with you through this valley. I hope you have found maybe others that can be of help to you right now. I totaly agree with enjoying the simple things of life. I realize before Jesse's death I was so caught up in the business of this world. I really wished I had been in a deeper place with my faith before this hit. It would have made it easier. I will say a prayer for your husband. If you wish, let me know his name and I will add it to the devotional prayer time my husband and I have. It has been become a new habit to pray for those who have tragedy striike.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

John David is so handsome in his white Tux! How proud you must have been on that day to have seen him so happy and full of excitement.

Crying in the car, how familiar that is.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I can't say that we have a lot of assets or wealth to run away from, but yes, I do think that many feel the need to make vast changes after losing a child, where others need desperately to keep living where they last lived with their child. It is very individual. I think the hardest thing to maintain are marriages as they take a beating with the death of a Child. Nobody grieves alike, often one partner needs to isolate while the other feels abandoned...it is workable but it is hard. Some people successfully change their lives and go after a new simpler life. Most books and therapists suggest no big decisions that first year if it can be helped. It is already so big a change, to add more might cause more trauma later. Yes, many want to run but know that those same long nights are out there no matter where we live. BUt change can be good, so maybe experiment with a long-ish vacation if finances allow, to see a new place, to give you new perspective, a fresh view, an inspiring kind of surrounding.

Jesse's Mom, I am sad that the clergy put down the book about near-death. So many of us have read books about that and are believers of these kinds of phenomena. There is no reason for the book to be put down knowing that many in the congregation have lost loved ones. I hope that your Daughter is able to still read and glean what she can from these stories. There are a few books written for siblings who are grieving. I love the book, "The Worst Loss" and " DON'T let death ruin your life" the title is off-putting but the stories inside are good and inspiring and honest. How old is your Daughter? I ask because there is a memoir I love byAlison Smith about the loss of her brother, however it reads like fiction and I don't know if there are details that are too much for your Daughter. Her brother died in an accident and the book is titled, " Name All the Animals." Loved it. My thoughts to you as you bare your broken heart and realize that it is in this act that you find tiny bits of hope.

Thanks for your suggestions. My daughter is 26 and Jesse was 28. They were very close. Jesse was so easy to talk with and mature beyond his years. So they always got along very well. He was just gentle and good. I have had people call and write me months afterwards telling me what a good, kind person he was/is. I just wasn't prepared for the supernatural events that preceded his death. Like him telling me his life would be "short" four days before his death. There were so many unknown things happening that don't fall into our realm of life here and now. Unfortunately, some clergy are uncomfortable with this. I now believe that at times the veil between life and death is thin, especially when one is about to enter into heaven. People who work in hospice care seem to know this. I have read alot of Trudi Harris from the Guideposts site. It is the only things I can find to help explain some of the supernatural events that preceded Jesse's angel date. We have been christians for a long time, I certainly was not looking for these events.Who would want to?

I have had a mother at my church who told me her eight year old son, who was killed many years ago, also knew he was going to die for awhile before it happened. He even made plans to give away his special things and asked alot about Jesus that last year. Her son was in the fatal accident with his sister. His sister now is in her forties. The sister told me that while in the accident she felt the presence of an angel protecting her. She told me that this angel who looked male carried her to the top of a ditch after the accident happened. I know the people and they are very solid people. Yet these supernatural events happened to them.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Got an email from Eric saying that he thought he had fixed the problem with posting pics...trying it out... here's hoping it works. Taking Kim and girls out now for lunch and then maybe some laser tag. Thinking of all today.

KATE: I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now...my heart and prayers to you, and to hubby.

GREG: So very sorry about Angel...I know your heart is breaking.

the pics are of the shadow box we did for Mike, with all of his medals, etc., in it. It did come out nice.,,,Kim put it together for her daddy's services. We had one when he retired, but it got broken during our move, and we didn't have everything in it that should be there. The other is the military photo and commendation from the president (in this case, Pres Obama, because he is who was president at the time Mike died.

the other is a cute picture of Damon, young Mike's youngest (Now, unbelievably, EIGHT!) the Easter before his daddy found out he had terminal cancer. Such a cute picture, and you can really see his "sweetheart" hairline in this pic! No wonder we see so many hearts!

You must be proud to have had such a good son. I have read his quote to you and thought about it many times.

[Mermaid Tears]

This is for Dee.....I find myself celebrating my child's birthday, of course...but....I really think about the night before they were born....

so this is for you......

Mermaids sing their songs....

At morning time....

And evening tide....

But on the day...

That Eri was born...

They sang their songs...

All day long.

I am holding on to you....and am with all my heart....am with you....for some reason I know that this just never gets easier...I thank you for the love and beauty you have given us with her sweet essence....of her...and of you....both of you together give and give of yourself and her 'self'....she reaches out with and from you...to give us such a grace to live by and with....I can only hope you know I thank you for all you and Eri have done for all of us....now...I will celebrate when that baby girl was placed in your arms and heart.....and now...you and she come into our arms and hearts......bless and keep you and yours...

[Guest]

..

[ericasmom]

Susan, so very lovely those words you posted tonight. You have a way with words you know. Thanks for thinking of Sweet Erica, and yes, that eve of her birth. I was in the hospital, a planned c-section. Back then you went in the night before. My sis, Eileen came at 5 the next morning to be in surgery with me, she was a nurse and had permission from my doctors to attend surgery. I am so grateful to have shared that time with Eileen. Special.

As far as how birthdays feel now as opposed to those first few years???I still LOVE the 4th of April with my whole self, whole heart. I am tearful but I am so happy that on 4/4/84, my Girl was born at around 8:00 am. She weighed 8 pounds even. And tonight, my nephew and his girlfriend had their baby daughter, Piper. She is so pretty. So life continues, life goes on, within and without us, as the Beatles once sang. It is so, life continues to move, it has to, and we are stopped for a time, right in our tracks, unable to know which way is up and how to find our feet, but eventually we do, we find our feet and we pick some of the pieces of our hearts up from the scattering. We glue them together with tears, with anguish, sometimes the glue is from memories, and then we realize, the world has to keep moving we can't be angry with the world, we just have to get out of the way for a while. We have to curl up in a corner of the world and be still and be alone. One day we may find that we smile, we actually laugh out loud, we sing a song, we whistle, we take a walk, it is as though we have learned all of these things that we used to do, over again, and while they don't quite feel normal, we realize that normal is something we shall not know for a long time, and not until we realize that the only normal there is...is a new normal

I saw Eri on her 19th birthday, she surprised me by stopping in at my school and taking recess with us. She drove in from Kalamazoo, Michigan to say HI MOM> I had gone to her place in Michigan the weekend prior to spend the day adn take her to lunch and bring her gifts. We had a nice nice day. So seeing her on her actual day was so special, a gift really for me.

Thank you Erica Eileen Reith for all you are and all you do each day in our lives. For the love that keeps me centered and the faith you have embedded in me.

[ericasmom]

To All that posted those lovely photos today, thanks so much. LOVELY. To those honoring this day that marks an anniversary of months or weeks, I am holding your hand and heart. I know how hard those markers of time are. They are at once so long ago and a blink of an eye. My Girl would be 29 tomorrow, hard as hell to believe because she will always be 19. My little Love. Love the Tux story Susan, and Jesse's Mom, yes, I have some stories about Eri too, the cloud of Eri on the night she died after six days in traumaICU. The amazing ways that we are sent messages and that we receive them.

Lora, I would love to meet up with you and show you about in Chicago when your Son moves in. I am glad that that one photo of Cara is one of the ones you ar ethinking about, I think it is stunning, that it really shows the spirit of your Girl. I am so happy to know that you and your Son will make that decision together.

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ERICA

TOUCH MOM WITH THE WARMTH OF YOUR GENTLE, JOYOUS SPIRIT

[ericasmom]

As I get ready for the day, wearing pink of course, and after a beautiful walk under the sunrise amid blue-jay squawking, (eri's favorite) I had the radio on as I dressed...this is the song that came on. I cry and laugh at the same time, that Girl of mine, this song by TEARS FOR FEARS

it begins, welcome to your life--indeed Eri Girl, we welcomed you to your life on this day, 29 years ago.

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Birthday, Eri! Surround your Mom today with memories of fun times spent together. Thinking of you today Dee. Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Birthday, Eri! Surround your Mom today with memories of fun times spent together. Thinking of you today Dee. Kate