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honeybear

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Hi there, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend through 30 odd years in Jan. The days up to funeral I was in shock and the funeral seemed like a goal to reach. After the ceremony came the silence... Every thing went very, very quiet.. And when I lost my husband, my old friend was intensly missed, who would provide that TLC that I need and crave for in theese days of silence and pain, going through the motions of every day, as that exactly; going through the motions. It' takes time, time and more time.. Talk about your friend as much as you'd like to, the good stuff, the bad stuff.. Cry and laugh and take your time doing it

Hugs Gabriela

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alwaysmyjennifer

firemoon, I am sorry for the losses you have faced. I hope you can feel welcome and comfortable here, and be able to write about the ones you love and have lost so tragically. Please take very good care of yourself, and give yourself an occasional "treat" so you can feel special. This may help you in dealing with the feelings of grief. I've come here to deal with the loss of my 21 year old daughter, who was raped and killed. My wife also has a terminal illness, which causes her extreme pain. The friends we have here are so helpful as we grieve and learn to carry on without them. My thoughts are with you.

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Hello ,

I am here and reading all the posts and my heart breaks for us all . the losses are so much and so hard and some so tragic....... all loss is hard , all death hard to cope with and it is amazing the journey we find ourselves in , that noone else seems to be able to touch , cause its so personal and individual and lonley , out loved ones died , they are gone , final and finsihed , done and so in some ways are we , that peice is gone , done finshed , final for us as well......... and the reality is wuite shocking isnt it. the reality the body , the ending , the emotions and how they come , so unexpected in many ways .... so different,. the veiw of life shifts , people seem trivial in their conversations , not resent , selfish even.......... all this.........

my mum died 4 mths ago , it was sad , hard huge suffering , after an accident , she lingered for years mentally with it 100 percent right till the day beofre she died , but physcially a mess , totally pain ridden , on morhine and oxygen and bed ridden , i was with her .......... then now my dad, he died 3 weeks ago , sudden and unepxected in bed ,,,, after a day out after watering the garden and a cup fo tea . he lay down and died ......... this is hard for me..... but i know for him , is maybe best..... but now i have noone , no family , nothing .......

i feel very lost and alone ;. i am./ but its ok .......... this is how it is , we will change , learn , grow , go deeper , all of us ..through this . we all must deal with death ,f ace loss , this is the only ceertainity of life , we will die.......... hard though...... i wish i could make everyoe feel better , hug you all ...... lets hope together we find solace , healing through sharing with each other ........... to all of you , please know i send u my love and healing wishes ....... even though we hurt and feel alone ..........

be well

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Guest Guest

hello.....

im new here and i geuss have just come to talk about my feelings......im 14

and have resently and in the past experianced alot of death with friends and family.....

one of my first experiances with death was in forth grade one of my very very close family friends commited suicide, for a while i was very depressed and my dad even offerd to get me a psychiatrist.......i never cryed and nerver thought about why she might have done it..........ever since that experiance i havent cryed or alowed my self to get close or love someone...........i feel almost to scard i will lose them......my parents are worried about me and in a way i am worried about myself..........sometimes i feel emty and worthless like life has no meaning.........but the thing is nothng terrible has ever really happend to me........ now at 14 with my grandma near death... i am wondering how im going to cope.......im not to good with death...i geuss i just needed to get my feelings out and mabe hear a few storries about other peoples experiances with death.

sincerialy

ayeen telopa

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Dear Guest- none of us will ever be good at these things. I hope you have at least one teacher you can confide in and trust. I went through some sad times with my students who were 8th graders and it was hard to believe they had been through worse than me. When I lost my daughter, I gained a lot of respect for what they endured. Try to seek out a teacher and for sure, come back here too! Take Care, Renee

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My husband passed away last week. Our cat and I are both grieving. I know I can find support and bereavement counseling; but how do I help my cat? Are there any resources out there to help pets deal with the loss of their human companion?

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I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Contact kelly@beyondindigo.com and ask her if she can put you in touch with Kitty, our pet bereavement expert here at Beyond Indigo. She can probably also give you some helpful links to help you help your cat. Take care...

DeeAnn

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Dear Guest

There is a web page called Rainbow Bridge that is a grief forum for loss of pets and also has a section on how to deal with a grieving pet, my daughter used it when her cat passed away. Merribeth

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hi this is the first time i've ever written about this but i need help, i've had to deal with death alot both my mums parents died within a few years of each other i was around 7 then my dads dad died when i was 10 and now my dads mum has alzhiemers and its awful its killing her slowly and gradually and its horrid 2 see, but i'm not so worried about my self (not wanting to sound like a martyr) but my best friend sophie's dad killed himself when we wer in year 7, we r now 15, and we heard this morning at school that our friend jess' dad has just died from cancer after a long struggle, i wasn't very close 2 jess but we wer friends but sophie and her wer very close i know this is dredging up alot of sophies feelings and i am worried about jess but i don't know how to comfort jess when my dad is healthy and living and hers is gone i don't want my sympathy 2 seem false but i do reeli care and i don't know how to act around sophie i care her about her sooo much shes closer 2 me than my sister is, and even after dealing with my grand parents death i can't compare that to a daughter losing her father, my mum says its natural to want more than anything to make their pain go away but i don't know if i shud send a card ? or flowers? or what?

please help

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Dear Guest,hi my name is Kathy,i have also had many losses in my family,my mom and my 21 yo son,have been the toughest to handle,a card or flowers are always a nice thought,it lets people know you are thinking of them.i understand how you feel when you say you feel uncomfortable,and don't know what to say,i use to be the same way,but now i feel it is better to let the person talk about their loved one,and just be there to listen,i always am afraid everyone is going to just forget about my son,so i always feel better if i can talk about different memories,so i know people are still thinking of him.It is always better to say ,you are sorry for their loss,you will find that once you say that,you will feel much better.i hope it all works out for you and your friends,just say what you feel and the rest will fall into place..T/C Kathy

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Hi Everyone: Hmmm, how am I coping with my loss? I have to take this one day, sometimes one moment at a time and look at things the way they are instead of how I wish they were. I've realized that the success of my recovery cannot be measured by others. The satisfaction in my process can only be measured by me. In my own time and at my own speed. Sometimes you have to go all the way back to the beginning to get an understanding of all that has happened before you can go forward. My daily list of things to do will include not living with regrets about the love I lost, living with confidence that I will be alright and facing my future without fear.

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Starchild:: I too find myself going back to things past, the joys, the sorrows, many things remembered. It can only be taken a moment at a time, and I hope the pain will not be so heavy. Coping is different for everyone, and understanding is another area to try to work out.

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mom2angels

{{{Guest}}}~

Give Sophie a big hug and tell her that you love her, that you are there for her any time she wants to or needs to talk, and even when she doesn't want to talk, you will walk silently beside her always. Give Sophie your shoulder to cry on and tissues to wipe her tears. The best gift you can give to anyone is yourself...your love, your friendship, your caring. You don't really need to say anything, just be available to listen.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

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I am a student of OT and am grieving from the loss of my boyfriend and his mother. please take the time to contribute to my survey, it will only take minutes and it is an effort to get more services to the greiving. please go to http://www.myspace.com/aminic, under blogs is an explaination of the survey, under blurbs is the actual survey, thank you all and take care. ami

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Hi! Im Corrine, 23 years old with a 7month old daughter. Brian, my fiancee...for 8 years was shot and killed by a Policeman last February 6, 2006, due to traffic altercation. He was shot 4 times, one on the hand, two on his back and one on his head. Our daughter was just 3 months when her dad passed away. I've been depressed and I really dont know what to do to help myself, I;m still working because I know I have a daughter to raise but I think about him 100Million Times a day. He's always on my dreams, I really cant believe he's gone. We had so many plans and now all those dreams are just part of his memories. His bday is on February 14 he could have been 24 that time, so we had to finish his bday before we buried him, he was a drummer of a band so all his friends were all there to celebrate, they played the band and tried to make it a HAPPY birthday. I still think about him everyday, I still look at his pictures with blood all over just to convince myself that He's really gone but sometimes I find myself praying to God to give him back to me and my daughter. I have mixed emotions, sadness, anger, guilt, fear...I know God has a greater plan but even if I tell myself that it doesnt make me feel any better. I miss him so much! I wanted to tell him a lot of things..but it was too late.

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Hello,

My name is Regina. I have a recent loss as well as one from a long time ago.

My brother committed suicide in 1973.

I was pretty young then, 13 and he was 15.

This past December my dear Daddy died. I find myself mourning for both of them.

I don't know exactly what I need from this as you can tell my thoughts are just allover the place.

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annietina220

Tina, since today is your birthday, I thought I would post the words to the your song. I love you and I want you and the world to forever know this. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} This song comes from my entire heart, thanks for coning into my life Tina and blessing me with your love. You saved me! Happy Birthday!

Heaven's Light (Tina's Song) by Annie O. & Rick Champagne Arrangement and music by Alex K.

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven's light...tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you,

trapped in, these chains of pain,

so many, we could blame... Where you are now...

My best friend, you can, see all clear

you have no pain or fear,

but I am still right here,

living in a world, in a haze of pain and tears........

And your loving voice, I can no longer hear......... My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven's light tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you,

trapped in these chains of pain,

We'll never be the same... The night you left...

it left a overwhemling, gapping hole, in my heart,

and now that, we're apart,

I will, never ever know, a love, like, yours, again........

No matter, who I meet, or I call, my, best, friend..........My best friend........oooh.......ooh......ooh(Guitar Solo)

I have tears in my eyes, tears in my soul

tears in my heart, that I'll forever hold...

My Best Friend, till I cross myself,

and see you once again... My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven's light tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you...

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Hi my name is Charles and Its coming up to the 39th anniversary of my

dad,s death ( Gordon Haskell).

He was 47 and I was 14. It's really weird because it only seems like

yesterday that he died and never a day goes by without me thinking of him.

When i found this grief support group i thought relatives remembered might

be helpful to you, so please don't think i am spamming.

My Dad was cremated and I really regret that there is no real grave that I can visit.

I wanted a way to permanently express my feelings and share them with family and

friends, so I created www.relativesremembered.com to be a free resource to help others.

Also it gives me a place to visit as there is no grave.

My dad's memorial page:

http://www.relativesremembered.com/memorialtemplates/displaymemorial.php?memid=53&totalnumberofresults=3

If it is of help to you, or you can think of any way to improve it please don't hesitate

to drop me an email.

My condolences for your own loss and all best wishes to you from me.

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Today is the 14th anniversary of my dad's death. i'm feeling quite angry with myself, the family may grieve differently, but when my dad died, i didn't get a chance to greive properly as i had a lot of different things going on at the same time. my dad wouldn't want me to grieve, but god it's still there. maybe im just attention-seeking i'm not sure. i have mixed feelings mourning my dad, but the pain has lessened somewhat, but i feel guilty for feeling sad, then i feel guilty for feeling happy. what the heck am i supposed to feel after all these years??

i can't even answer my own questions! i just want to cut the grief away from me. i feel that even though my family grieve in their own ways, (he lived with his partner and her children, even though the children weren't his, but i'm his real daughter), i feel as though i should be grieving in their way instead of my own, which is daft cos we have different ways of grieving.

i give up.

sue

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Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

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Ok, I am new hear but this is the deal.

In January 1993, at age 17, I met a young man who would become the love of my life. I'll call him "Will". Will was cute and funny but he lived 2 hours away which made dating VERY hard. He asked me out to the prom and we had a great time. At the end of the summer we broke up. It was just to hard to be together when he was going off to college. We did keep in touch and began dating on and off over the next few years. We drifted in and out each other's lives since we parted ways and everytime I saw him it was January 1993 and we were 17 again.

I LOVED HIM. He was my first love.

We fell out of touch again a few years back. I moved from my childhood town and didn't list my home phone number (which was something I said I would always do). I did try and find him on the internet but I had no luck and I was too afraid to contact his parents.

The last time we talked he was encouraging me to go back to college. I did and I wante dto invite him to the graduation. I found a lead on an internet site after the graduation but I decided to try and contact him anyway. I had to pay for his phone information so I waited to make one last attempt to see if I could find his phone number for free. This time I did a Google search with his full name and nickname.

A memorial page for a funeral home came up and I froze. I instantly went into denial. Then I fell apart. I eventually composed myself to click on the link and I found out he died in July 2005.

He was an only child.

I found out he died in a car accident. Eventually i went out to his parent's house. His mother was kind and we talked for an hour or so. She gave me a program from his funeral as well. I wanted to ask her what happened exactly and I wante dto see his room...touch something of his, but I knew it was inappropriate.

I haven't been able to get over him. I dream about him. I loved him and I miss him. I wonder all the time what happened: how did he die and what were his specific injuries. Did my baby suffer?????

I love him....and I ache inside. I have been to his grave twice.

I am still in shock.

I feel like I didn't get a chance to tell him how I feel and nobody seems to understand. They just act like I am crazy because he was a boyfriend from highschool.

He was so much more. We were so much more.

WHY?

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I hope someone will tell me what they think of this situation. My mother dies almost 4 months ago after a 5 year battle with pulmonary hypertension. The last year and a half were especially difficult for her, and the last month was just total suffering. My father and mom were married for over 40 years. Well...now, about 2 weeks ago, my dad tells my brother and I that he has a "girlfriend." My brother and I are both shocked and, frankly, angry that he would even be thinking of someone new so soon. My mother told me that he would have to find somone new - but this fast is just awful. I feel as though he is disrespecting my mother and our family. I have not told him this, but I know he knows I am not happy. My brother and his wife are supposed to meet this woman tomorrow, and they are dreading it. Has anyone been through a similar situation and how did you handle it? Thanks, Christine

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wordscanhelp

Hello Christine,

I think a little understanding is needed here, a little more talking between you and your father. you say in your message "I have not told him this", and I feel sure that this is the problem.

Could the three of you sit down together and talk, honestly voicing your thoughts to each other and trying to understand each other.

It is impossible to describe how close a couple become over forty years of marriage, and, it is impossible to understand without this happening to you.

I was married to Sarah for forty years, life must go on.

Beyond indigo may allow me to mention a web site, www.wordscanhelp.co.uk

where "my story" may help you to understand, I hope that it does.

Please, never stop talking to your Dad, don't ever let this come between you,I know that you can work it out.

My very best wishes for the future to you all.

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hi all .. dads been gone 8 days now, and i have been so busy preparing meals and making all of the arrangments that his death is still not real to me... he was my best friend/dad husband .. we depended on each other, i guess. well his ashes have been delivered and i got half his wife of a few weeks got the rest.. has anyone ever looked at the ashes? am i morbid? i cant believe all i ahve left of my dad is this! how lond am i going to be in denial he is really gone? all thropugh the funeral i stood there rubbing him and introducing him to people! they probably think im a nut case right? i feel this enormous void for him!! and talking to his ashes i guess makes me feel a little better! am i going nuts? marylou

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I can't deal with this...this family I live in is SO SCREWED UP!!my dad passed away from a sudden diagnosis of cancer of the lymph node and lung and with in two weeks being told July 23rd until August 7th HE DIED HE LEFT ME...and now my mother..she was told July 9th and now being told 7 to 10 days and I don't know how to deal with not being able to see her...my sister if I can call her that...after this she will not be i can clue you that...has just called and said that her and my aunt agree that I should not come down THIS WEEKEND TO SEE MY DYING MOTHER>>>how screwed up is that???!!I can't believe my sister..!!!she had been away for 20 years and she waltz back in and tells ME NOT TO COME DOWN...how HOW??this is so screwed up...really.........

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Dear Guest,

You sound like an amazing and caing man. I was so touched by your concern for your girlfriend. DianeS has explained EVERYTHING to you. And did a great

in doing so. Just you being there for your girlfriend for a shoulder to cry on is so much help. Like Dianes said, she may not realise it now, but she will. When something like this first happens, you are numb to everything. You don't know what your feelings are and you walk around like you are in a bad dream all the time. You have no sense of reality. Just hold her and be by her side. She may get angry for no reason, cry all of the sudden, or go from one mood to another in a second. This is all normal. Just be as calm and gentle as you can with her. This will get better in time. I know when I first lost my mom, I walked around in a daze for a couple of weeks. Someone sent me pictures that they had taken of family and friend at the funeral home, and I didn't even realize half of those people were even there. And some I had my picture taken with. When I'd first wake up in the morning I'd be fine, but when I'd raise up and think, she's no longer here and it wasn't a bad dream, my dark and dreary day would start all over again. Just give her some time and keep doing what you are doing. Keep reminding her that he is in heaven now and to imagine what he must be seeing. And that he is always watching over her and is right there with her. She may act sometimes like she doesn't want to hear that. But, deep down it does help to know that. That's how I felt anyway. Hang in there and take care of you and your girlfriend.

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mompinkyellow

Randy,

its been 2 months now and I am still waiting for you to come back ! you had a new grandson on August 30th-06 and Rich is so sad because you did not get to see him ,he is so cute and he looks just like his Daddy . I just don't know what to do with out you , I just can't accept that your'e gonne ,there must be a mistake , because I know you will come back ... I love and miss you so much, I am waiting ..........the bean ,it hurts never to hear you say that you were the only one ever calling me that ...........I love you honey

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Hi Mompinkyellow,

I lost my firstborn daughter (36 yrs) on September 14 due to an automobile accident. I feel exactly as you do. I am still waiting for her to come back and cannot accept the "fact" that she is gone. I miss her and her voice. My grandson is without his mommy and my heartache for him doubles my own. Although it was your husband, when I read your post I read the same words that I am feeling. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. Although people's posts are far and few between, I read them daily and will respond if you want to communicate. Elizabeth

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mompinkyellow

hi elizabeth

thank you .... I lost my husband on august- 14 -06 . there was no warning no sickness, he just up and died . i am really confused because i can't deal with it . i give my life to have him back

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I just lost my husband, 8/02/2006 and am so lost. I feel like I am going tru life like a Robot, and it is so lonleyu, I have no family, and cant aford to move. Do not know what I am going to do...???

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Hello. I stumbled on this forum quite by accident. Although I am more fortunate than many of the peole here in that I have never lost anyone close to me, I bring a different perspective. I recently started dating a man who lost his fiancee in a car accident almost 4 years ago. He has always been upfront with me about it, and although I am not completely comfortable asking for details, I want to know things about her so that I can be the one to support him through the hard days. We have only been dating for a few months, but we have already experienced one of those hard days. He goes to Mass in her memory three times a year: on her birthday, on the day she passed away, and on the anniversary of the day they started dating. I knew about it beforehand and wanted to be there for him unselfishly in whatever capacity he wanted, needed, or didn't want or need me to be. As much as I wanted to be unselfish, it was very difficult. I did a bad job of being there for him and he was justifiably upset with me. He had plenty of family members there for support, but he pointed out that the one person he wanted to be there (me) was not. I felt awful. I think it may have been easier for me if the first time I encountered one of his hard days was her birthday, rather than the day he started dating her. My question, I guess, is what my role should be. How can I and should I support him? And how can I do it without becoming selfish and feeling uncomfortable?

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alwaysmyjennifer

Pattyputput, I am deeply sorry for your loss. To have a numb sensation, like the robot walk, is a natural part of the early stages of grieving. This is our mind's way of protecting us from the depth of pain we would truly feel from our loss. When you said you can't afford to move, may I ask if there is any reason for you to move? Is there anything we can do for you to help? In the meantime, please know that our prayers are always with you. Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer

Guest, for a situation like this, to make him feel as comfortable as possible in this relationship with you, while also honoring his fiance, be point blank honest and ask what would be the best way to honor her memory and his love for her, while doing it in a reverent and tasteful way. I say this as I do because my wife is facing a terminal illness and those of us who go through this tend to think of this issue as we begin to rebuild our lives in the framework of another relationship. We can't forget or stop loving our spouse. It's impossible. But, we can include that love in the new relationship while also loving someone new. This isn't easy, by any stretch, but it can be done. Be sensittive, caring and honest with him. He'll tell you what he would like. I hope it all works for the best for you. May your love last forever.

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hi, i'm sorry to jump in this thread, but i have a burning question. Last year at christmas, i was told, if my memory serves me right, to 'get over it' or get on with it. It tears my heart apart that a member of my family could actually tell me this, and then contradict herself a while later and say 'she's your mum, of course you miss her'. I'm surprised i didn't shove that big family christmas tree right up her backside!!

In a different situation, namely my mum's 2nd anniversary of her death, some complete stranger told me to 'let go'. How in the name of God can i LET GO????? i can't!! i'm still having dreams of my mother being ill in bed. If there's one life marathon i'm running, it's this one. if someone can tell me this i'll give them a great big medal.

sue

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suelowe, The simple truth is we heal in our own time, in our own way. Grief is not something we deal with, it is something we carry with us. Take the time you need in this journey set before you. There is no pressure to let go of anything, you are who you are. Yvonne

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Suelowe - You don't have to let go of anything. It has amazed me what people say, and more so what they don't say, after you lose someone you loved sooo much. Try not to let it anger you, as that emotion will eat you up alive (I know). I don't think our society teaches us how to treat people who are hurting, as they all seem to be so busy with their own agendas. Keep coming here and vent anytime those around you drive you crazy - that has helped me and I hope it can help you as well.

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No matter how many years pass, I still hate dealing with these anniversaries.

I seem to do fine during the Spring/Summer, but once October comes, and the anniversaries approach, I seem to go downhill. I found myself feeling sick when the anniversary of losing my Angel Alex was at hand. I just wanted the day to be over with, so that I could move on once again.

Now the anniversary of losing mom is coming (11/12) and once again I am plagued with disturbing dreams, where she is always trying to discipline me for doing something wrong. When I wake up, I'm shaking and have that sick feeling in my stomach once again.

Feeling this way with the anniversary of Alex & Mom only makes me feel worse knowing that I still have to deal with the anniversary of losing my niece Tina in Dec, and then my Dad in February.

I really wish I could just hibernate through the Fall and Winter, and wake up in the Springs once again.

Well thanks for listening, it does help to get things off my chest.

Take care, Peggy & angel Alex.

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mofirefly and angels4me, dealing with the death of my mother has given me feelings i never thought i could have. i can't even describe them, in fact i can, they're like indigestion, only a thousand times worse. thank you for your advice, it means a lot to me. i can remember sitting there on the family sofa, tears in my eyes after what was said to me, but i had to carry on. i think next time it happens (let's face it, it's bound to) i'll just lock myself in the toilet for the whole of christmas.

i think if it wasn't for this board i'd go slightly crazy, so thank you fory your support.

sue

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Dear Suelowe,

I wonder how others who tell us things like "get over it" and "forget about it" would feel if we asked them "Do you want me to forget about you when your gone" every time they made that statement to us. Maybe then they'd realize how horrible such a statement means to us. You are so right in your statement that we "can't let go" and if we do, I can promise you the memories and grief doesn't stay gone forever. I found this out the hard way when I tried to put all the memories of losing my son in what I called my "Sea of Forgetfulness" I thought after so many years I had dealt with the grief, but 15 years after losing Alex, when my Mom passed, all of the pain, sorrow, grief, and anger resurfaced. I made sure from that moment on that I would never allow myself to forget my loved ones, and I'd do everything in my power to make sure others didn't too.

I truly believe that remembering our loved ones is a special way for us to honor them too. I’ve found many ways for me to do such a thing, and hope that sharing these things will help you to deal with your own personal grief. It wasn’t until after the sudden death of my 31 yr old niece, and then my Dad two month after her that I began to find ways to honor them. The first thing I started doing was keeping some journals that I would write all my special memories of them in. I also had another journal where I wrote special letters to them, as my way of letting them know that they were close to me in spirit. My next project was to write a special poem in their memory. I only had to remember something special about them, or a special dream about them and the words just flowed from pen to paper. After writing the poems, I decided to plant a Butterfly Bush in my front yard in memory of my angel Alex. For me having something visual helped to me to grieve for the child I never knew. Each year now when I see all the butterflies that come to visit, it makes me feel like Alex is near, and I discovered that the nightmares I always had were gone too. Not long after learning to cope with my losses, I took up the hobby of making floral wreath arrangements that we decorate their graves with, and I created some on-line photo albums to share with other. If you’d like to view them yourself the link is posted below. There are some other albums there of family and friend, that you are more then welcomed to look at.

Over the years I learned to deal with the grief, and as time passed, I slowly began to heal. It does take time for this to happen, but having an outlet and doing the things I’ve listed above has made the journey somewhat easier for me.

Well that’s what I wanted to share with you. If you would like to talk some more, please come back here, or contact me personally. My e-mail addy is: Holyhands1@comcast.net, and the address to my photo albums is: http://photos.yahoo.com/peggy_neilsen

God Bless,

Peggy & angel Alex.

In Loving Memory of

My Angel Alex 10-24-84

My Mom 11-12-99

My Niece 12-4-00

My Dad 02-28-01

Gone but never forgotten

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Angels4me - I thought your remarks to say to others about would they want us to forget them when they are gone was awesome...I only hope I don't have to use it for a long time. The way you are honoring your love ones is great too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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I recently lost my father, mother and brother within 3 years of each other. My so called friends really surprised me with their reaction. At first they were supportive and then they avoided me, Ihave not heard from them in months and just recently their sister called me to ask what was happening. I said my so called friends ran when I needed them and not one of them reached out to me to see how I was doing or anything. I feel hurt and betrayed on top of these other losses. i heard it is not uncommon for folks to lose friends when they lose their loved ones. Help me to understand this, I basically have written them off, I found them to be selfish and immature in this situation. Please respond. Thanks

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jamiedawnsmom

Eirelassey,

You are right when you say your friends just disappear. I don't think it's not that they don't care, it's just that they don't know what to say or how to act around us anymore. Some don't want to think about our loss because by doing so they realize it could also happen to them. That's why boards like these are developed, to give us a place where we can talk about our loss and it won't make those around us uncomfortable. I know who I can talk to about Jamie and who I can't. I guess I tend to gravitate towards those who'll let me talk. After the accident I had so many people say they are going to come over and as of yet I haven't seen any of them and it's going on 11 months now. I think they are waiting for me to call but I'm not too comfortable doing that. Just my thoughts anyway.

Renee

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Thank you for your response. I feel kind of lost rightnow having given myself over to the caregiver role while they were here. I neglected my own needs and allowed my life to pass me by. I don't know how to get over that part except pray that the good Lord will somehow make it up to me.

How do you repond to your friends. It seems like we have to make them feel comfortable that doesn't seem right since we are the ones that are hurting.

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jamiedawnsmom

Eirelassey,

Are you the only child in the family left? Do you have family around you that are supportive? Have you ever considered joing some type of grief group? I think you can get information from your local hospital or hospice. My daughter and I attended a six-week grief session last spring. It was helpful in that it was a place where we could freely talk about our loss and could cry without worrying about making everyone uncomfortable. We continue to meet with this group of people once a month. It's strange how total strangers can almost be your best friends. My best friend called me after Jamie died but I have not heard from her since. Like I said to you before, I don't think it's not that they don't care, we are just a little scary to them at this time and they don't know what to say to us. Jamie's best friend is having a hard time dealing with everyone too and feels no one is supporting her but I think everyone is tired of hearing how much she misses Jamie. It's not that they don't miss her, it's just that it's such a downer to be having those types of conversations.

Take care of yourself and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Renee

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Dear Eirelassey,

First let me say how deeply sorry I am for all of your losses, and offer you my deepest sympathies. (((erielassey)))

I read your message, and felt like I was reading something that I had written myself. I understand the pain and grief that comes with multiple death, as I too lost my Mom on 11/12/99 (tomorrow is the 7 yr anniversary of her death) then my 31 yr old niece Tina (who was more like a baby sister to me,) passed away suddenly on 12/4/00, and then my Dad two month later on 2/28/01.

I was dealing with 3 deaths in 15 months, and just like you, there were many friends that just turned their backs on me, and walked away. There were many times that I felt like had some sort of plague or something. They were there in the beginning, and then they just walked out of my life. I don't know about you, but for me their walking out of my life was almost like suffering another loss in my life, and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. One of the things that I hated the most was when I would bump into a friend of the family, and they’d ask how everyone else is doing, but wouldn’t say anything about how I was doing. After so many time of this happening, I would just respond with my usual “I’m doing fine, and so is everyone else, thank you for asking” I knew it made them for guilty, but I really didn’t care.

I would have to agree with jamiedawnsmom, and her statement that it's not that they don't care, they just don't know what to say or do for us anymore, and the fact that they are afraid that it's going to happen to them too. I don't think they understand the pain we're in, because they haven’t been through it themselves, and therefore they don't know how to make us feel better. Having a community such as this one where everyone understands our pain and sorrow, is like having a new group of friends. It’s a place where we feel safe, and we don’t have to be afraid of what we say or talk about while we’re here.

Well I hope and pray that what I’ve shared is of some help to you and others. Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. Until then take care my friend, and God Bless.

Peggy

In Loving Memory,

Angel Alex 10/24/84

Mom 11/12/99

Tina Marie 12/04/00

Dad 02/28/01

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jamiedawnsmom

I shared this on the loss of teenager site and thought I'd just put it out here for whoever. For some reason I've really been struggling at this time. I don't know if it's with the holidays around the corner or if the reality is starting to hit me. From reading everyone's posts it seems everyone is struggling more at this time. I hope this can provide some comfort.

As we approach the holiday season I felt I should share with you something the girls and I did for their dad after his accident and that we continue to do, which also includes Jamie. It was called a wreath memorial but I don't use a wreath and have it out all year to honor them. I have five goblet candle holders and a glass frame (5x7) with the following poem in it. I use tea lights and light it during the holidays, special days or just because days. I have it on a shelf in my living room in front of mirror hanging on the wall.

"Candles for Jamie and Kim"

As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES, one for our LOVE and one for our HOPE.

The first candle represents our GRIEF. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

The second candle represents our COURAGE - to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.

The third candle is in your MEMORY- the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy that you gave us.

The fourth candle is the light of LOVE. Day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.

And the fifth candle is the light of HOPE. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever.

I also have a picture of Jamie and Kim with the poem. It's just one way of keeping their memory alive and including them in special days.

Renee

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Thanks for your responses. It hurts that thishappened and the people I thought who would be there for me were not. How come they don't get that. If the roles were reversed I would be there for them.

How do you tell them, that they just weren't there for me.

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This could be something no one has ever experienced or at least talked about. About 5 months ago, I found myself becoming attracted to someone I work with. Not only physically, but in every way. He is so intelligent, gentle, loving, patient, attentive, all the things I never experienced in my two marriages, but he is everything I have ever dreamed of. Trouble was, that he was married. He did mention to me that his wife had a lung disease that there was no cure for, can't remember the name and couldn't even spell it if I tried. As it turned out, his wife passed away in early September and we have become even closer, but the problem is that I have come to love him so much and he has also come to love me. Please don't think me unfeeling or selfish because in spite of our love he is grieving so much and I am trying to be there for him in his grief but as he has told me and as I understand, he needs time. I know this is all sounding so complicated but I am finding myself feeling like the life is draining from me and that I am grieving as well. I actually don't know how to be there for him without coming between his memories of his wife and him. In listening to him and visiting with him in their home after her death, I have found that she and I were so much alike it is sometimes uncanny. There is so much more behind everything that I could be here all day, but I find myself not being able to think of anyone or anything but him and I am struggling right along with him in his grief and in our love. Anyone have a clue what I'm talking about? I would give my life for him.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Wowwoman, while the process of grieving does take significant time, we grieve as deeply as we love. If his love for her was deep, then his grieving will last a long time, and you'll need to give him plenty of time for this process. I do know a couple where the wife died of cancer, and her friend helped with their children while she was in the end of her life. During the end of her life, she coyly nudged her husband and friend together, doing a little matchmaker thing. About six months after her death, they married. My wife is in the end stage of an illness that has become terminal. She also has begun to nudge me, trying to get me to date another woman while my wife is still alive. I can't do such a thing. For me, this is completely out of the question. After my wife passes, and I've had time to grieve and recover, then I'll consider trying such a thing. Perhaps, if I can offer you anything, I'd say, be careful so you don't break his heart or wound his soul while he grieves. Hopefully, your love will grow together as a couple, together, and like the facets of a diamond - each point unique and beautiful in its own merit.

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