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alwaysmyjennifer

Okay, Swede1, I'll play along for the moment. Here's a little "ammo" for those so narrow minded the can see peripherally through a keyhole.In the Gospels, St. Luke 16:27, here's Lazarus in Heaven, and a man in hades is begging old father Abraham to send Lazarus to his family. He would never ask this if it weren't possible. My next offering is in the Old Testament, First Book of Samuel, chapter 28. Seems kinda funny to me that a medium could return the prophet Samuel's spirit from the afterlife, seeing he was a powerful man of faith, capable of miracles. If all these things are in the Bible, and so many people of all faiths (and none) are seeing and sensing the spirit of the loved one they lost, then why should those of us who are educated (or allegedly so) in the Bible say otherwise? It sounds like a fear of the spirit world to me, more than a dogma. This may upset a few, and I'm sorry, but some Christians claim to see angels, so why can't they see human spirits? The spirit world is far greater and more powerful than we can fathom in our minds. That we see or sense their presence proves this.

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Swede1,

I'm so happy you are familiar with OBE's. I haven't told any of my freinds or family about my gifts because I don't know how they will react. So it feels really good to be able to share this and not be judged. I will go to the other site though, because the subject has changed. So look me up under the site you said, and to anyone else who is interested I will continue there.

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unicorndreams

For Mpettus

Reply to Your post from sept.

My heart goes out to you.

I lost my Dad on Dec 20th 2004.

He had Mesothelioma.Was given just months after he was diagnosed in Oct 2002.

But he showed them and hung on in there for 2 yrs and 2 months.

My Parents were married for 46 years. I was looking forward to giving them a 50th party.Mum and i take strength from each other as much as we can. I know dad would be proud of us for coping as we have.

I hate the thought of Mum alone at home. But she is in England and i am in the States.

Cant believe another christmas is coming up.Think we just went on autopilot through last years and did what had to be done.

Seems like loads of great people on this site ..

We are mostly all in the same boat.

That helps us understand each other better.

Other people can only imagine what its like , you never truly know until it happens to you.

Take care .

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alwaysmyjennifer

unicorndreams, my heart goes out to you losing your Dad so close to Christmas. My grandfather, who was more like a Dad to me, and did such a great job raising me, died near Christmas. That was 20 plus years ago, and I still dread that holiday. The pain is less, but I still miss him beyond words. You're right, people don't truly understand until it happens. Take care of yourself, and even though you're here and your Mum's in England, give her all you can. Miles are nothing significant to love, just a pathway to more love.

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I was wondering if you could help me. I just lost a close friend. He was the father of one of my students (Lan) who graduated last year. Lan was at basic training when his father got sick. When he graduated from basic and returned home his father had just had his 3rd surgery. He couldn't handle it and left town for a week. Finally he came back and visited his father one day, the next day my husband was taking Lan to take Mr. Crawford to a doctor's appointmemt from a hospital. (We live 100 miles from where Mr. Crawford was hospitalized.) That morning we got a phone call that Mr. Crawford had coded and as soon as my husband and Lan got to the hospital the doctors told them it would be best to remove him from live support. Lan never admitted to anyone that his father was really sick. Now he is really having a had time dealing with his death. I must admit I am to, but at 47, I can talk to my husband and grieve with him. Lan, at 19, feels he must be a man and do it alone. How can I help him?

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On November 20, 2005 I lost my dad to cancer. This has really hit home for me. I was a daddy's girl and now I'm finding it difficult to get through my everyday life. I have such mixed emotions. I don't know at this point how to move forward. This is still all so raw to me. Can someone please help me.

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Jantoine...I wish I could give you magic words to make everything o.k. I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was 30. He was my rock. He solved every problem for me and I was also Daddy's little girl. I was married and had a 1 year old child but I wanted to crawl into the casket with him. I saw him driving cars that I passed, inside homes when I looked through windows. What you are feeling is normal. Take each breath and each day as it comes. Have you posted on the loss of a father board. They also might be able to help you.

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jantoine,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. Only 2 weeks in and your world has changed so drastictly.

You are allowed to feel any emotion you want. Whether it be anger or helplessness. DO NOT let anyone tell you how to feel. Only YOU can do that.

Grieve for as long as you need to, for you will always be your daddy's little girl! He has only left us to a different plane.

Your everyday life has changed, that is true. From now on life will never be the same.

But do not give up hope. Know that your father loved you and still does as you still love him.

Do not hesitate to post on this site for there are many other members who are much more eloquent than I. They will come and help you in your journey without your dad.

Just know that you are in my prayers and I hope that others can help you in your new journey..

Love,

Jeff

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jantoine,

Just to let you know----maskott is my wife.

Surely by coincidence(?) (she's at work--I'm at home) we came upon you at the same time.

Do not hesitate to contact us any time whether it be here or at our home address --byrde55@go.com

Jeff

BTW---Our son died of an accidental OD in August--so you know our wounds are still fresh.

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Dear Sue,

I am sorry to hear that your mom has passed into spirit, the physical presence of our loved ones is so greatly missed. I am not sure if you have read back to my previous quotes, but I kind of mentioned my experiences with travelling out of my body during sleep and the wonderful experiences I have had and still do with my loving spirit guides coming in contact with me. Getting in touch with my spiritual side has been truly amazing and still amazes me(being brought up with out a religion and all, just kind of believed what I wanted). It makes me wonder how the world let ourselves get so out of touch with our spirituality.(not all, but a majority). It started so far back thought, that some of us just don't know any different. After recieving "visits" from my spirit guides, I joined a spiritual church wich in turn I began attending mediumship classes. This has brought me very close to my guides. In the classes we work with each other giving messages, and with so many of us together, it really raises the energy which brings spirits that much closer to us. After being successful in my class, I thought how I would really love to help any one here to get in touch with there loved ones. I am very new at this of course and if any one is willing to bare with me while I continue to grow and develop my "gifts", than I would be glad to keep relaying messages and I am sure that the messages will become much more accurate and I will be able to distinguish exactly what loved ones are trying to get across. I am looking into how I can raise the energy to bring loved ones closer with the distance between us being so far. But I promise I will keep at it. If you would like me to fill in the blanks anywhere, feel free to e-mail me directly from the icons on this post. I love to talk about my experiences, it keeps me so close to spirit. I look forward to talking to you again.

For Mattsdad,

I wouldn't think twice about not sending you a message from your loved ones, especially Matthew. I am going to school to enter into nursing so that maybe one day I can slowly introduce my gifts in that kind of setting(if society is ready) and be able to help people through such a trying time. I should mention though, that I don't really believe I have a gift. I just happened to have a little extra help from my guides. Anyone can develop the gift of communication, but you really have to be in a calm state of mind. So for anyone who is grieving, your mind most likely is not at a very peaceful state. That is why I am more than happy to help anyone who would like it. Know that you will definitley recieve any messages that I get. Thanks for confiding in me.

Care4u

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I am new to this site as well. It has now been 19 days since my fiancee died. I miss him so very much, but sometimes feel like he is still here with me. I have a friend who has given me insite as to the fact that James is still here with me. I don't know if I believe it or am I just so desperate to want him to still be here with me.

James is the love of my life. I found him dead in our home on 11/12/2005. We had just started our own business this year and things were really starting to pick up. I am still in a fog-like state and have to not think too far ahead, as I am having horrible panic attacks when I think about having to live life without James. I literally get pains in my chest when I think about it... Is this all normal???

James had a gift of knowing things and I believe that if he is still near me, he will let me know. I talk to him every day and write him letters and notes in hope that he may be looking over my shoulder to see what I am doing. Am I just grasping at straws??? I do believe in the after life, but do our spirits really stay close to those we love??? I haven't done much studying on this area, as I believe in God and that he does all things for a reason and believe that all things will be revealed within time.

I just want to know so much if James is still with me. If he has forgiven me for doing as his family wished, instead of as he wished for his funeral and if he will be waiting for me on the other side. I just miss him so much and have a hard time knowing that I will never feel his arms around me again..

If you can give me any advise or experiences, I would love to hear them. I am in a lot of pain, as I am sure we all are. I just want to be here for others as well as for myself. I know that I am new to this, but I am an understanding person.

You are all in my prayers.

Trish

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Dear Trish,

I don't think there are enough strong words to show you how much I feel for you right now. My heart so deeply goes out to you. I have left a reply for you at your e-mail address. I hope you don't mind, but I felt it would be more personable. My thoughts and prayers are with you and you are welcome to e-mail me directly at any time.

Love

Care4u

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Trish...my heart goes out to you and I am truly sorry about your loss. I can't speak about a loss of a partner but I lost my son, Matthew, in August. Everything you are feeling is normal. It's been almost 4 months and I still feel like someone has punched me in the stomach when I think about him. He is in my thoughts from the moment I open my eyes until I actually fall asleep. I believe he is with me, watching over me and protecting me. However, I also want to know that he is happy (maybe that's the mother in me) You have a hard road ahead of you-it's not going to be easy but just take one breath at a time, one moment at a time and continue to post. There are a lot of great people here who are further along than I am and can give better advice. I just wanted to let you know that your feeling right now are exactly as they should be. You may soon find your mind in a fog-can't think straight. Make mistakes that you normally wouldn't make. Feel so exhausted at the end of the day where your head and eyes just hurt-for no reason other than emotional fatigue. These are the symptons I'm going through now. I hope you can continue on with your business-take any help that you can and just be good to yourself.

BettyAnn

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Trish, reading your story reminds me of how i felt when my mum died. Grief is, in my opinion, a painful experience, sometimes it frightens and overwhelmes me but other times it enables me to sleep after a big cry. There aren't any right or wrong ways to grieve. Grief is as individual as the individual experiencing grief. Bit of a mouthful to say i know, but it's true.

Just try and accept your feelings of grief, because they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. If you need to cry/scream/reflect or whatever, then allow yourself time to do those things.

I do believe in the after life, as this brings me comfort. I hope it brings you comfort at this time, to know that James is looking over you, he is so very proud of you and he loves you.

God bless

sue

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Maskott and Suelowe,

Thank you for the insite. I know that I have a very long road ahead of me. It is very comforting that I can vent, ask questions and get reaffirmation from all of you. I never thought that I would have to go through this. Things were looking up for James and I, but that is when God came down and decided that he needed James more than I did. I have a strong faith and that is also helping me to deal with all that has happened to James and to me.

I start my Bereavement class this coming Saturday. I am anxious, but nervous. I have never had to go through anything like this. I am sure that everyone else there will be going through similar feelings.

Tonight is my first night alone. I cried half of the night, but inbetween crying, I had 2 of James friends stop over to see how I was doing, had a 2 hour conversation with James daughters mother, got a call from my mom, talked to James sister and finally my brother and a good friend of mine. I felt like every time things started to get too hard tonight, James had someone come and make things better... Does this sound strange??? James was always very protective of me and would NEVER allow anyone to talk bad to me or let me get myself into danger. He was my prince charming, the man of my dreams and the man I dreamed of as a little girl. He had such a good heart, a kind and loving heart. I miss his smile and his laughter and his arms around me when I was sad....

What more can I say??? I know that we are all grieving in our own ways. I just am very thankful for being able to come here and to talk about it. I don't know what I would do without all of you.

Hugs to all,

Trish

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Hurleyta...of course, it was James who was sending all those people to comfort you. I have a stronger belief now than before this happened. Most people go the other way. My son being one of them. He said to me two months after I lost my son, that he thinks I'm lucky that I believe because it would make the grief so much easier. He is still angry God took Matthew away from us. I just want to relay what happened to me yesterday-I'll make it brief. It was 4 months yesterday, I was crying on my way to work and decided to talk to God. I was telling him my feelings, questions that I had, when I came out of a curve I saw a beautiful sky...and clouds that formed the indigo sign. Right in front of me. I did a double take-but there it was. I then went to work and turned my computer on to get on this website and my computer had an error message. The next computer...same thing. The last computer is in a room all by itself. This one worked. As I got on this site, I saw a post from my husband and started crying. I sobbed for so long...but I was alone. If I had been on my computer I would have been around at least 2 other people. It just seemed perfect. Yes...they do watch out for us, protect us, and give us signs when we need them. In one of the posts, there is a poem about finding pennyies. They say angels drop pennies so if you find a penny it's from an angel. Keep looking for pennies.

Keep posting and try to take care of yourself. The holidays will be hard enough, you need to do what is right for you.

BettyAnn

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Betty Ann,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is for James mom. She is a wreck and I try to help, so does the rest of the family, but nothing seems to lessen her grief. I know that I am lucky to have this sight and my work to help me to stay busy... She is retired and no computer. I suggested that she go to see a professional. I believe that they may be able to help her, maybe not. I try to be strong for her, but ever time that we talk, I get off of the phone and just cry and cry. For both of our loss, it is different. James was the baby of 6 kids and he and his mom had a VERY special bond. The first time I heard him talking to his mom, I knew that I was falling in love with him. She was the "woman" in his life. I NEVER tried to change that. I didn't mind being the "2nd woman" I always knew that James mom and kids came first. This was fine with me. We lived so far away from them all. We were the only ones that moved to Florida, the others live in Connecticut.

I want to do something special for James mom for Christmas, but I really don't know what? I keep on thinking about it, but nothing seems/feels right. I wanted to make a pendent for her. James had given her a Beautiful pendent when he was younger and she wore it all the time. The day after we buried him, she gave the pendent to me in remembrance of James. I didn't want to take it, but she told me that I had to have it. She is like a mother to me too. I have lost James, but I still have his family and that is a blessing...

Thank you for telling me about the pennies. It is strange that you said this. I keep on finding pennies where I would not expect to... I know now that Angels are sending them to me.

You had a message in the sky on your way to work. That is For Sure!!! God was definately helping you to feel better, even if it was for just a little while.

Take care and God Bless You,

Trish

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Saturday the 18th my good friend lost her only child Alex. He was ran over by my van when kids were playing hide and go seek in it. It was my oldest son who is almost 12, Her son who was almost 9, and two nieghbors boys 13 and 15. Alex was it and the other boys were hiding inside my van. During the commotion of trying to lock the doors the kids knocked it out of gear and it rolled back and ran over my friends son. I have known Alex since he was brand new. Everyone is devestated and in shock at this accident. I am going to the funeral today.

I havent been able to stop shaking since the accident. I feel lots of guilt and sorrow. The boys who survived are having a hard time as well. I am so afraid that my friend will be mad at me and take me to court because it was my van that killed her son. I cannot controll what happend and cannot take it back. We have given them money to help with the costs. I just dont know what else I can do.

Thanks for lending a ear.

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For oaklandbay= I so feel for you- I remember members of my sisters church once running over their own child- Their 2 year old- They were on their way to church one Sunday, thought all kids were in their van, and proceded to run over their own baby. I can share nothing with you except know that this was an accident with tragic ending as most of them have, now yours. I am so sorry for you and I feel your shake. Please, whenever you have the strength, come here and reach out because you will find that you are not alone and people are here to help you. My prayer for your friends is that they will never hold you or any of these children responsible for this. You can find me at loss of an adult child- My son died in June of 2004 after being hit by a semi truck in the middle of a highway. After his own father bullied him to the brink of madness... Blame needs to be put there- Not in your case...xoxomamabets

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hi, oaklandbay, I am glad you came to this site, i am mainemom , on the lab board, i think you will find help here, and i hope the little boys family finds help, i think your worry over them blaming you is a possible reaction they, may have, when a person loses a child, they have a lot of despair, with that a lot of emotions, it will be a long road, but you have come to a good place, by reaching out here, i think you will find it here. bye for now.

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{{{Oaklandbay}}}

I lit a candle and prayed for Alex's family, the children involved, and you. I prayed that all of you would somehow find peace in the midst of the shock, horror, anguish and enormous pain. I prayed that you would all come together in some way to recognize that this was an accident and then focus on any possible positive that might come from it. However implausible that sounds at this moment, at some point a greater good must evolve from this tremendous loss.

Some suggestions to consider when you are feeling stronger~ an interview with your area's newspaper and TV news channel about children and vehicle safety, including any ways that this accident might have been prevented upon hindsight. Better locking device? Ensuring the vehicle is locked and that the keys are not accessible to children? Better educating children of the dangers of playing near a parked vehicle of any kind? There are likely several ideas that you and others might generate to alert the public to this danger, thus preventing it from happening to another child.

Another thought would be a memorial foundation or a memorial fund in Alex's name. Either to help Alex's family, or as a scholarship fund for Alex's siblings, or as a fund to help parents of children, who have died in a similar accident, or any number of other worthy recipients.

A donation in Alex's name to a charity of his family's choice, or to their church or hospital is also a meaningful way to remember this little boy.

Those are just a few thoughts coming to my mind at this moment.

I will also offer that I feel that everyone involved in this accident-- you, the children in the van, Alex's family -- should receive counseling immediately. This is an extraordinarily traumatic experience for each of you, and you will need professional counseling and therapy to assist with your healing, especially dealing with guilt.

I have also prayed that Alex's family will not pursue you legally, but, as harsh as this sounds right now, it would probably be best for you to consult an attorney, if you have not already done so. You don't need to retain one, and generally an attorney will provide a free initial consultation. I pray that they will not sue you, but should they do so, you need to be prepared for that possibility.

Anger is a very prominent aspect of grief, and that anger can lead to any number of avenues. Try to prepare yourself for that emotion, toward your self and from others. The blaming leads to anger. Forgiving takes time, but it is also an extremely important part of the healing process.

This is what I believe with all of my being: Alex has forgiven everyone, for he knows that there is nothing to forgive.

The misery of "why did this happen" is what torments us. Accepting that there is a reason, however mysterious to us now -- but will be known to us when it is our time to know, leads to inner peace.

I pray for Alex's parents, the children, and for you and your family and all who loved this beautiful boy that you will find that acceptance and that God will grant you comfort and peace through your sorrow.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

~~ Mom to Michael 11/70-5/03 and Jonathan, 36, both born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease, awesome courage, and amazing grace ~~

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For Mom2angels- So sweet you are- Always eager to help in spite of it all... How is our Jon?? I think about you all of the time- How old is he and how old was Michael?? How long ago did our Michael depart?? How are you coping with this season?? The quilt is really helping me- It gives me all of the hugs that I must need- My dogs love me, my husband has basically bolted- He is here, but couldn't be bothered- He is treating me and my Danny like a huge inconvenience... Oh well, I pray for all!! I love you, Ros, and am so happy that you are here with your tremendous wisdom!! God Bless!! xo mamabets

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I wrote the words for this song for my Best Friend Tina Ayer who died in The Station Nightclub Fire. Not am I sharing this song for all of the 100 victims that died that night but I want to share this with anyone who has lost a loved one to let them know that they are not alone like I felt. I am doing this in loving memory of Tina\'s loving heart and giving spirit.

Love,

Annie

Heaven\'s Light (Tina\'s Song).

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven\'s light...tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you,

trapped in, these chains of pain,

so many, we could blame...

Where you are now...

My best friend, you can, see all clear

you have no pain or fear,

but I am still right here,

living in a world, in a haze of pain and tears........

And your loving voice, I can no longer hear.........

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven\'s light tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you,

trapped in these chains of pain,

We\'ll never be the same...

The night you left...

it left a overwhemling, gapping hole, in my heart,

and now that, we\'re apart,

I will, never ever know, a love, like, yours, again........

No matter, who I meet, or I call, my, best, friend..........

My best friend........oooh.......ooh......ooh

(Guitar Solo)

I have tears in my eyes, tears in my soul

tears in my heart, that I\'ll forever hold...

My Best Friend, till I cross myself,

and see you once again...

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven\'s light tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you...

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Dear Annietina220,my name is kathy and i post on lost of adult child because i lost my son last Jan31st,on his 21st birthday,but for some reason i was looking through different post and came across yours,1st your song is beautiful and i bet it sounds beautiful to music.2nd the words that attracted me to your post,is the station fire,i live in R.I. and work in a ER and was on the night of the fire.Iam so sorry for the loss of your friend and i can't imagine what those poor people went through,that night i will never forget!!..You and your friend Tina will be in my thoughts and prayers,T/C Kathy,Nates mom

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Hi {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kathy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you so much hon! You will be in my thoughts and prayers as well.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Nate. He is with you Always, please

know this. His love for you will be forever.

You live in RI? I used to live in Cranston.

Did you work at Kent or RI Hospital? Wow, this blows my mind.

Kathy, if you want the link to the song, write to me at TinasBestFriend@yahoo.com and I will send you the link where you can get the song for free!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kathy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,

Annie

Tina Ayer's Best Friend and Soul Sister

Dear Annietina220,my name is kathy and i post on lost of adult child because i lost my son last Jan31st,on his 21st birthday,but for some reason i was looking through different post and came across yours,1st your song is beautiful and i bet it sounds beautiful to music.2nd the words that attracted me to your post,is the station fire,i live in R.I. and work in a ER and was on the night of the fire.Iam so sorry for the loss of your friend and i can't imagine what those poor people went through,that night i will never forget!!..You and your friend Tina will be in my thoughts and prayers,T/C Kathy,Nates mom
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Coping with loss...how do you cope? Matthew died 5 months ago. I thought I was doing so well. I had my sobbing moments. I believed he was still around although not physically. I was enduring the pain and heartache....and then this morning hit. I feel like I'm back to the beginning. I feel numb. Actually, I don't have any feeling at all. I don't care...about me or anything. I'm just so tired. My head hurts and I don't want to do anything. I'm not crying...not upset...just nothing. I'm tired.....

BettyAnn

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Betty Ann,

I know what you are feeling. One minute everything seems to be fine, the next it is all in turmoil and like I am starting out all over again. I used to be so strong and had my whole life all planned out. Then the next thing I know, the man I love is grabbed from this world and taken to another. I feel so lost and alone. I hate weekends. I used to love them, but now I just can't wait for them to get over with so that I can get back to the hussle of my job. I am so thankful for my job, as I can keep busy or always have someone to talk to when I am here. Maybe I should look for a part time job on the weekends??? I guess then I would be so burnt out from working so much that I would break... I try to do something for myself every week, even if it is just a small something. This week was a little bit bigger than others, I bought myself a new set of mattresses. It was something that James and I had planned to do just before he passed away and so I went through with it. I just will feel sad that he isn't there to share them with me.

Try to take things just one day at a time. I know that when I think of the future I get too overwhelmed and just can't function at all... When I try to think about this day, it doesn't overwhelm me as much. Of course it is different from day to day.

Take care,

Trish

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Trish...thanks for the reply. I know my feelings are probably just an afterwash of Christmas. My whole idea of Christmas was to honor Matthew. Now that's it's over, I'm left with nothing, so I've decided to start planning his birthday party. His birthday is in March and I want to get his friends over for a few hours and talk about him...remember him.

I see you post all over and I am truly sorry for your loss of James. I haven't posted much lately because of my mood. I read about what someone said about you no crying enough. If you want to copy this and throw it in her face, I give you permission....my son died at the age of 24....I dreaded the wake...crying in front of everyone. Believe it or not...I didn't cry. Two women whom I've known since Matthew was little (mothers of kids Matthew played sports with) mentioned that I was so calm, they would have been sobbing. I was amazed myself. A friend of Matthew's broke down sobbing and I spent a lot of time comforting him. I was numb...I had sobbed the day I heard...I cried myself to sleep every night. At his wake-both times-I didn't shed a tear. Now I think of what some of his friends said about loving him and I start to cry. I did cry at the funeral service-not sobs but tears-but I'm sure there were probably many people who commented on my lack of tears. They just don't understand the grief process of being numb. It's hard though...isn't it. I loved my son with all my heart and soul and just because I didn't cry when someone was watching they may think badly of me...give me a break.

Anyway...I've ranted enough. I wish you well and hope your weekends get to be a little easier.

BettyAnn

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Betty Ann,

Thank you for your words. I know exactly what you mean about being numb. I am starting to feel again, but doing it slowly. I don't like to feel to much, as it hurts even more. You are right though. I do remember crying at James wake, but I spent more time worrying about his family than myself. Maybe this way MY way of dealing with what I knew I was going to have to live with the rest of my life. Now his sister told me (she didn't mention names) but she told me that people have been talking about how stupid I must be... Stupid I asked, she said that she told them off, but these words come from people that NEVER called James the entire time we were together. NEVER knew him the past years of his life. Didn't know me prior to his funeral... I mean, come on, I am NOT a dumb woman. If I am stupid, I guess it is because James and I had started our own business, or maybe had a nice home to live in near a really cute little town and next to a beautiful beach. Or maybe it was the fact that we had nice vehicles and a motorcycle or that we could afford to go on trips and have nice clothes??? I don't understand why people that don't even KNOW me want to call me stupid?? Yes, James did some DUMB things when he was younger, but you know what?? HE GREW UP and became a REAL man. He was good to me and really loved me. He NEVER cheated on me and took very good care of me. The only person that I care that knows this is GOD and he knows exactly how and who James and I are...

Sorry for ranting. Thank you for writing. I hope you are doing ok today. I know that things go good one minute and bad the next. I am here for you should you need to vent...

Hugs,

Trish

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I just need to comment on other people's observation of our grief. I lost my 18yr.old daughter Ashley on July 4th, 2004. One of the things that hurt the most was people saying to me "You are doing so well, if it was me I wouldn't be able to function" Well, I think I would have felt the same way if it had not been me. Other people do not understand the layers of shock that protect us so that we can function. How else could we have even made arrangements and everything else that went along with the loss?! They are also not here with us as the layers peal away and we are left with these raw emotions months after (I'm sure years after as well). They are also the ones that say to us, when we have these moments in public, "It's been a while, shouldn't you be moving on" The bottom line is they just don't understand. I was driving to work the other day and three songs in a row came on that just broke my heart, "Forver Young" which was played at her funeral, "Who You'd Be Today", which speaks for itself, and then "Buttercup" one of my daughter's favorites. People at work called her Buttercup. So, needless to say, I cryed all the way to work even though I felt Ashley with me. Anyway, I get to work and one of my co-workers asks why I am in a bad mood. I know better, but, I tell her. Her response, "That should make you happy, not sad" Well, I wanted to ask her which one of her children would she give up for a few songs?! But I know she just doesn't have a clue, and I don't want her to ever know this pain. But people just can't comprehend the pain of loss until they have experienced it. Just rambling, Thanks for listening, Dottie

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Trish...This past weekend was really bad for me emotionally. I guess I'm trying so hard to have Matthew with me that I am spending more time in his room, reading poems, talking to him, that I have been crying more than ever. It's not a bad cry though. It does drain you emotionally and I find myself tired all the time, but it's a good release. I know he's sending me signs but I'm spending so much time looking for them that I think I'm missing them...I feel jealous because I've read that James has been visiting you. I want so badly to have Matthew visit me. I wasn't home when he died so I never really got to say goodbye and I just want to see him to say that. Maybe...not goodbye... how about "see you sometime in the future". You are lucky to be having visits-I hope they really comfort you.

Dottie...I know what you mean about everyone not understanding. I talked with my mother the other day about Matthew (my son died Aug 2005) and she said "You have to move on sometime, I know it's a little soon now but you will have to move on sometime". I was seething inside (although I know she meant well) and calmly said, "No, I will never move on (this is what I'm told from people that have lost children 4-5 years ago) I will learn to deal with it on an everday basis-but I will never move on". Mondays are hard for me at work because the weekend is when Matthew died. (Saturday night into Sunday) Also the fact that I am home...see his room constantly...see pictures...memories. A co-worker will always ask how my weekend went and when I say something like "not great" he will reply (like you said) "You are handling this so well" My comment usually is "no, I'm not handling this well but I'm handling it the only way I can". I also am trying to handle the grief of my two children (ages 19 & 22). People don't understand that they are grieving just as much as the parent. I think siblings are really left out of the equation of grief. They were both in college and now can't even function enough to do the work. Now on top of my feelings, I worry about them. It's a never ending battle. One that makes me very tired.

I'm at work so I guess I better get back to doing something...Dottie, of course, without saying, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I'm not sure, but I was going through the memorials yesterday and I think I saw one for Ashley-am I right. If it was your Ashley, she was a beautiful girl. Someone to be really proud of.

BettyAnn

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Betty Ann, I just wrote a really long message to you and I don't know what happened to it. So if it shows up and there are two posts, sorry. I am truly sorry for the loss of your son Matthew. My surviving daughter, Crystal who is 23 had a really hard time the first year. She and Ashley were best friends. Crystal was in college when Ashley died and she has not returned. She is now expecting a baby that is due July 4th, the same day Ashley died. I take that as a sign from her sister. It never could have been planned that way. You did visit my Ashley's site and I thank you for your message. The site has been very therapeutic although I have not added to it in a while. I just don't have the energy. I remember being tired all the time, not that I'm really energetic now, but I don't have that heavy feeling anymore. You are only 5mos. into this grief journey and my heart is with you. I attended a group called Griefshare and it really saved Crystal and I. One of the videos mentioned that there are (now don't quote me on the number) twenty billion tears to cry, so you better get to it. That really helped because I cried all the time. Tears cleanse the soul, I really believe that. It is true that you learn to live with it, but I will always hate this new life. I want my old life back. Every joyous thing is now bittersweet. I am happy to hear that you have had cries that were not so bad. I do that as well. I will think of happy times with Ashley and I can smile as I cry. I wish you and your family peace, Dottie

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Betty Ann,

You will get visits, when you are ready for them. I have been told that James couldn't come to me when I was so upset and unable to receieve him. Once I was able to calm myself a little bit, he did come. He is always around me. When I get really upset I start to talk to him and I can almost feel his touch. By this I mean that my heart gets really calmed almost like a hug to my heart. I believe that it is James way of telling me that he is here and trying to help me get through those horrible days that we all have. I felt very blessed that James did come to me via visits, but he hasn't in a week or two... Guess that when time passes, he will be in and out of my dreams. I just miss him so much and love him with all of my heart... I know that he knows that my love for him will never die...

I hope that you have some peace, even if it just comes in small doses. I miss James and cry for him daily, but I try to keep myself active as I know that he wouldn't want me to sit and cry all day, even when I REALLY feel like that is exactly what I want to do. I still am walking around in this Fog state and feel lost and alone. But I try to eat at least one meal a day and take care of myself to my best. My parents are here with me for the next 3 months. They live up in Wisconsin and I live in Florida, so it is nice down here vs. the cold up there. Plus I think that they were worried about me. James and I had each other down here and our families lived up north... So now when I say that I am alone, I mean this. I do have friends, but it will never be the same.

Enough rambling... I am here for you should you need to talk.

Trish

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hurleyta...sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I don't even know if you'll be back to this site but I thought I'd try. I haven't felt like posting a lot lately. I haven't been crying but just blah. I have been feeling Matthew a lot more these past few days. It's not the same as having him here physically but it does help. You are so lucky to feel James but I know that it doesn't feel the same as having him next to you.

Saturday is my daughter's birthday...the first without Matthew. I know it's going to be hard for all of us. She is still grieving badly and so is my son. He's just so angry at everyone. These firsts are just so tough. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when my birthday comes.

I'm still finding it hard to post and I don't know why. I start to write and then my mind just goes blank.

I'll try to write again.

BettyAnn

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Betty Ann,

I know what you mean about the firsts. I will be celebrating my 40th next month and that will definately be hard without James. Plus Valentine's Day was special to the two of us, so I will be VERY sad on 02/14... I guess that the first one will be the hardest. My parents keep on asking me what I want to do for my birthday?? I keep on saying, "nothing". This is truly what I want to do. I want to just go to sleep and wake up the next day. I don't want to do anything. No one seems to understand this though.. I try not to be mean when I try to explain myself, but I am sick of telling my family that I just need some time, that I don't want to go and celebrate. I feel like I have nothing to celebrate. I also don't want to hurt their feelings, as I know that they are just trying to be nice and to help to cheer me up. Like that is going to work??

Enough grumbling. I hope you are doing ok today. I know the emotional rollercoaster of this thing we all call "grief" and it is no fun. I just try to live one day at a time. It is not always easy, but it is also not always so overwhelming.

Take care,

Trish

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Trish...Kristin's birthday ended up being alright. At least no one cried when we were together. After her birthday dinner something happened that I think made everything alright. My other son left the house, Kristin and I went upstairs and my husband was watching TV downstairs. He heard footsteps in the kitchen...no one was there. We are figuring that Matthew was looking for the birthday cake...lol. I talk with Matthew all the time...and when I reminded him that it was Kristin's birthday, a picture of a bear from "build a bear" popped into my head. It was his way of telling me he wanted to give her that bear. So I did...and she loves it. Mind you, she's nineteen but slept with that bear that night clutching it tightly.

There is a man a work who tries so hard to cheer me up on certain days. I just want to yell "stop it" because there is no way that I am going to be cheered up. I know he means well and that he's trying...they just don't understand that nothing is going to make this grief go away. Right after Matthew died, I was being counselled by a minister. He said "I know the only thing that will make you happy again is my resurrecting Matthew". Unfortunately, he said he couldn't do this. The fact is...that's the truth. The only thing that would make all of this better is if Matthew was brought back to life. No one can change my mood by telling me a joke...the best thing is to just leave me alone and it will pass in time. As you know, we have to grieve in our own way. People mean well...my mother told me a few weeks ago...that I have to move on and get over this. That is one thing I cannot stand to hear and yet everyone says it. Get over losing a child your raised for 24 years! For you...get over losing the love of your life. A person you planned on spending the rest of your life with...how do you "get over" something like that.

Well...I just rambled on and could probably write a novel if I don't stop now. I'm sorry that your birthday and Valentine's day are coming up. May you find some peace and comfort during those days...even if it's just the thought of James coming to you and spending time with you on those days. I know he will.

BettyAnn

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I have just lost my husband to cancer I was married to him for 37 years, it is really hard to come home and not have here I miss him so much and so do our daughter' I lost my son when he was 5 years old and I lived through that but my husband was my friend and love and he helped the last time this time I am old but at least I have my girls and good friends it so lonely every day I realy do not feel like being here, it so lonely every day God must have a purpose for me somewhere'

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Judy29, I am so sorry to hear about your husband..and the pain he went through before he passed I too lost my husband Aug of 2004 he was just 46 and we were married for 28 years...he had a massive heart attack while we were in our boat..he was driving the boat at the time holding our baby..our son was only 16 monthes old when this happened he was our surprise baby as we have 2 grown daughters..so I am blessed to have one more precious child from my husband the death was very unexpected as we never knew he had a heart condition...when he was driving he started shaking and I took hold of the sterring of the boat and stopped it..and screamed for help but he died instantly CPR did not work nothing worked..:( the pain of watchin him die and not being able to do nothing but watch is such a bad scene..our little boy will be 3 years old in April and I show him pics and he smiles and says Dada..I only wish he could watch him grow up like he did our girls..I have had so much worry my little guy now has a heart condition and will require surgery and I worry everyday and pray everyday God does not take him from me..I miss my husband so much that I cry everynight thinkin of how happy he would be now if he saw his baby...if it was'nt for my little boy and my daughters and grandchildren I would'nt know what to do we were also blessed with 7 grandchildren so havin our little boy was a miracle and a precious last gift..I was 45 when I had him....but I know the pain you are going through ..I am so sorry to hear you lost a son also I feel so bad for you..but just know your dear husband is thier with your son taking good care of him..I know how you feel I am so lonely even though I have a little child to care for I push myself for him..he needs me more then ever..he looks just like his daddy so thats an added blessing and such a great reminder..

Cindysue

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For Cindysue- Hi, I am Betsy, mamabets, and I am usually found over on Loss of an Adult Child- My son Danny passed away in June of 2004. In reading your posts, I can not help but think of the movie "Once Around" with Holly Hunter and Richard Dreyfuss.. They have done a few together, but this one was their best, I thought. Treat yourself to it and you will see what I mean! My mother family loved it as well...Please hug that sweet little baby of yours and be sure to bring some stories about him to us! My husband has a heart condition- Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy... He is 58 and I try not to think of the "What if's"- I have put him in the hands of God, under the wings of my Danny...xoxomamabets

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Mamabets..I am so sorry to hear of your son's passing..its so hard..I don't think I ever saw that movie you were talkin about..I will have to see it..I wish I could have done something to help my husband I wish I would have know he was not feelin well..he died so quickly after I screamed for help in our boat another boat rushed to us and 2 very dear ladies jumped in and said he is'nt breathing we put him on the floor of the boat and they started workin on him and someone called 911 and when we drove the boat to the dock the paramedics too over and shocked his heart 4 times with no responce..:( I am so sad and heartbroken I found out the ladies that tryed to save them were profeesionals one was a nurse the other a doctor..so now knowin this I knew I got all the help I could it was just his time..it hurts though cause he died right on his birthday..he turned 46 that day...now I gotta be strong for my baby and be thier for him when he has his heart catherzation..my husband was so happy when we finally had a son he loved his daughters also but I knew he always wanted a son..but sadly he won't see him grow up..but I thank God everyday for giving me a special little precious child..to keep me going..I will say a prayer for your husband and pray he lives a long and happy life..thankyou Besty for the nice message..

Hugs,

Cindysue

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For CindySue- I am so sorry for your loss. Try to believe with all of your heart and soul that your husband is always with you and that he will watch out for all of you for forever . It is so hard sometimes, I am sure. I don't know much, but I do know that Danny is near me every second of every hour of every day. Why, if you don't mind my asking, does your little guy have to have a heart cath? How old is he?? Where are your girls, do they live with you still?? xoxomamabets

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mamabets...my little boy is going to be 3 years old in April..and when he was 13 monthes old we found out he has moderate heart valve stenois..his valve in his right side of his heart needs to be opened ..and he;s been seein his heart doctor every 3 monthes my girls are both married my oldest daghter has 5 kids and my younger daughter has 2..so its just me and my baby..he is small for his age but thats pretty common for a child with a heart condition..he gets tired out easy when he plays and I worry about him but I know my dear husband is watching over him..and the doctor says soon we will go in and do the heart catherzation..so really its a matter of time..they are waiting as long as they can..his valve is closed 68 persent and when he reaches 70 they are gonna do it in the mean time I have to watch his activity ..and not tire him out too much..my baby was only 16 monthes old when my husband died..so at least he got to enjoy 16 monthes with him..my oldest daughter comes around alot to help but my younger dauhter lives 5 hours away..by the way my girls are 28 and 22..so they think its pretty neat havin a brother so much younger..be around Danny as much as you can and tell him how much you love him..I always wished I knew ahead of time about Roger's condition after he died on the floor of the boat I just looked at him after they told me he was gone and I yelled out I love you..I pray he heard me..life is so short ..and if I had another chance I would have told him how much I love him..life seems unbearable somtimes I cry all the time wishing he could share in the joy of seein his little boy..but I know now I gotta do everything I can to raise baby Byron the best I can..

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Hi, I am 17 years old and I have been dating my girlfriend for quite sometime. I have fallen in love with her and she makes my heart scream. This past Monday her grandfather passed away, A grandfather whom she was VERY close to. I have never met her grandfather although I was going to rather soon. I have been there for her this entire time providing my support and being available as a shoulder to lean on. I love this girl and it hurts so much to see her hurting. One thing I don't understand is that when I spoke to her on the phone last night she cried alot, seemed stressed and I had no idea what to say to her. I constantly said I am sorry, because I am but I feel that its getting kind of old. When I say to her I will be here for her always, she counters me by saying, "Then where are you?" It hurts me because although its a different situation her parents have rules and at 9:30 it is time for me to make my departure. It seems like she blames me for leaving. But I have her parents trust and I have no intention to lose it. Now, I plan on going to the Viewing tomorrow and the Funeral the day after. HELP PLEASE and are there any suggestions how I should comfort her and let her know I'm here without encroaching on her space?

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Dear Guest,

You sound like a caring young man and your girlfriend is very lucky to have you. It is very hard to "be there" for someone when they lose someone very close to them. Everyone grieves differently and even when they are grieving with other family members and friends, you still feel very alone in your grief. Sometimes you don't even know why you react the way you do or say the things you say. Your girlfriend's grandfather's death is so recent and her emotions are very raw. You said she was close to her grandfather, so it is expected that she will probably be crying a lot and feeling very stressed. On top of her own grief, she is likely watching her parents, maybe her grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. also grieving. It is most likely also hard for her to be watching others she loves go through this.

As for advice...just be there. Hold her hand, hug her if she lets you. Don't worry so much about what you should say. What's more important is that you are there. You may feel like it isn't enough and she may feel like you aren't really there for her, but when someone is grieving there really isn't enough you can do because you can't make it better. She may not see that now, but believe me, she will remember that you were there for her when the funeral is over and things start to calm down a bit. Also, remember that grief has no time table. Some people seem to work through it faster and easier than others. Grief also ambushes you. You can feel like you are finally getting somewhere and then BAM out of nowhere you see something or someone says something and you find yourself in tears and back to square one. That's just the nature of it.

Do not expect your girlfriend to be able to get over her grandfather's death quickly, especially if she was very close to him. Death is so final and learning to live without that person in your life takes time and patience from others. There may be times when you wish she would just get over it. The worst thing you can do is to express that to her. Bite your tongue if you have to and let her vent, cry, whatever she needs to do to get through it. She will get to a point where it is not so raw and she will be doing better, but give her time. If she tells you she needs time and a little space, respect that, but also be sure that she knows that she can call you anytime and you will be there. This will not last forever, but she is very hurt right now and she needs time to feel what she is feeling.

You sound like a good, sensitive kid (sorry, but I'm 52, so you're a kid to me). From what you've written you are doing the right thing and you are doing all you can in a difficult situation. Believe me, she WILL remember this and will care for you all the more because of it.

Good luck,

DianeS

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Dear Guest,

You sound like an amazing and caing man. I was so touched by your concern for your girlfriend. DianeS has explained EVERYTHING to you. And did a great

in doing so. Just you being there for your girlfriend for a shoulder to cry on is so much help. Like Dianes said, she may not realise it now, but she will. When something like this first happens, you are numb to everything. You don't know what your feelings are and you walk around like you are in a bad dream all the time. You have no sense of reality. Just hold her and be by her side. She may get angry for no reason, cry all of the sudden, or go from one mood to another in a second. This is all normal. Just be as calm and gentle as you can with her. This will get better in time. I know when I first lost my mom, I walked around in a daze for a couple of weeks. Someone sent me pictures that they had taken of family and friend at the funeral home, and I didn't even realize half of those people were even there. And some I had my picture taken with. When I'd first wake up in the morning I'd be fine, but when I'd raise up and think, she's no longer here and it wasn't a bad dream, my dark and dreary day would start all over again. Just give her some time and keep doing what you are doing. Keep reminding her that he is in heaven now and to imagine what he must be seeing. And that he is always watching over her and is right there with her. She may act sometimes like she doesn't want to hear that. But, deep down it does help to know that. That's how I felt anyway. Hang in there and take care of you and your girlfriend.

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marilynwhite3049

Dear Group: I hope I am not intruding. I am terminally ill. On March 3, my little brother died suddenly. There are many grief issues going on. I am angry with my brother. My mother and sister and in panic mode because of me. I don't know what to do so say. How can I get through so many things at once? I will try any suggestions as I am in turmoil. Thank yoou

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MarilynWhite3049,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't know if anyone can ever be "ready" to loose someone that they love. I lost my fiancee on 11/12/05. It has been a very hard/long road since. I have found that not thinking too far in the future is what helps me. That and talking about it helps A LOT. I have made many friends here and keep on coming to read and talk or to just vent when I need to. I try to just live my life one day at a time. This is not always easy, but for me if I have to think too far off, I start with panic attacks and have a hard time breathing.

If you need to talk, my suggestion to you would be to post here the things that you need to talk about, there are so many kind/caring people here that have gone through similar things that you will be experiencing.

My prayers to you and your family.

Trish

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Hi everybody out there... I'm sitting here, it's early morning over here in my neck of the woods:Denmark.. It's been 3 weeks since I lost my man and three years, comming june 17, that I lost my 12year old son, my son past away from a lung&heart condition called PPH. He was feeling poorly in the afternoon, he was comitted to ER at 1am and he was gone next morning, it all went pretty fast and tore the family apart afterwards. I was single at the time, but I found thie wonderfull soulmate 9 months after the funeral. He and I started to live together only ten (!) days after we met, it all felt good and right. I was so grateful to have met someone who understood me and whom I culd read as a open book, no explanations was needed hardly ever..All our friends who knew us apart and together said:'But ofcourse, you are so rigth for eachother!!' And then this happens,3 weeks ago he huggs me hard, telling me how much he loves me, walks out of the door, a happy man. He never came back. He apparently had a lung&heart thing as well, same symptoms, not the same illness. He must have felt bad, sat on a bench and quietly died in the cold afternoon.I just screamed and wailed when the police came to tell me.. Now I'm numb, have a big ball of emotions in my heart and soul and can't find release anywhere.. I just sit and sit, try to pass time.. I feel so very lost, so very empty and then I find this site, we don't have anything like it in Denmark and I've read several pieces and they have brought me comfort on this lonely night, and I have nodded my head in agreement in many a thougt shared. So I thank you all.

God bless :Firemoon

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Good Morning. This is my first post. Two days ago I lost my best friend at the age of 20 from a brain tumor. He was admitted to the hospital and eight days later he past away. I spent most of those days with him holding his hand and taking care of him. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel so empty inside knowing that when I get off work he won't be calling me to talk about nothing. We haven't even buried him yet, that's Saturday morning. I guess I just need to know that even though it's only day 2 without him it will get easier for me. Other friends that didn't know him have been there for me but it still feels like everything around me is in fast foward and I'm stuck on pause.

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