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Grief and the Court System


avc2003

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my name is charlotte, i lost a 20 yr old

on 11/24/03 its been the longest year of

my life. my son was working on his low rider

a 1969 chevy impala, three days after his 20th

birthday.on 11/13/03. my son Anthony v. Chavez

was underneath his car, the jack slipped and the

car fell and crushed him, he lived in a security area

with a gate. anthony's girlfriend called the paramdics

but the fire dept. and the police, and paramedics

couldn't get in because they didn't know the code

to open the gate, time went by,we are guessing it

may have been more that 18 min. they finally got in

to assist him, they used the jaws of life and ripped

up his car,with in two min they got him out from under the car

but yet it took them 18 mins to get to him,i believe if their

wasen't a gate, my anthony would have lived, i haven't

started a lawsuit against the complex, i don't know where

to start or who to talk to. if any body has a good lawyer

please write to me @

po box 593

las vegasd,nm 87701 or call me @ 505-425-9565

thank you, lets all try to have a new year

prayers for all

anthony's mom(charlotte)

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Charlotte, I am so sorry for your loss. From what many parents have said taking these suits to court is very hurtful, long, and takes a lot of courage. Many don't get the outcomes that they want. That being said, if you are wanting to at least find out I would call an attorney that you have heard of, there are many in the phone book. Many lawyers now a days will give you the first consultation free to know if there is any way to pursue the suit and if there is any merit. You will probably have to make calls to find out which ones will do that. Our state, Kansas, has many commercials on TV for many lawyers that do a consultation first. There might be those in your state, also. Again I am so sorry, it sounds as if there needed to be some kind of system in place for the police to override any codes, what happen sounds negligent, but that would be up to the courts to figure that out. It isn't going to be easy, and it will take some time. Jim

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Charlotte - I too am sorry for your loss. I would suggest you call the local bar association as they can recommend an attorney in your area who specializes in this type of case. In our state many lawyers do the initial consultation for free. Again, may you find peace.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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Charlotte, Lynda has made a great suggestion. I wanted to add that be careful about the first person you talk to being the person you go with. When one is grieving that first supporter is likely to be the lifeline you are looking for, but may not be the best in the long run. I would try and get as many opinions as possible to see just what you should expect and then go with the one you feel most comfortable with. Jim

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griffinsmom

My 17 yr old son was killed January 1, 2005, as a passenger in his own car which his "best" friend was driving. I have taken the attitude of "what would Griffin want me to do", because all I have left is my relationship with my son as it is now. I have chosen to "forgive" my sons friend and let the state atty decide a punishment. I have regular contact with my sons friends- which is difficult at times- but I know that is what Griffin wants from me. Yes, I have anger- but revenge would not bring my son back. Forgiveness insures my reunion with my son more than revenge. Good luck-and very sorry for all our losses. You can see Griffins website @ www.memory-of.com Type in Griffin Schwartz. Feel free to light a candle or leave a message- or send me a message.

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I lost my son in 2000. He was killed by his step mom. Jandson was almost 2. It took about a year for her to plea to 2nd degree child abuse homicide, although the had enough to try her for 1st degree homicide. This year she will having her first parole hearing. Which I feel I need to attend.

I still grieve daily for his loss, and struggle with helping his older brothers deal as well. I was hoping someone out there could tell me what to expect at the parole hearing. And if anyone has older children who they have helped grieve. I would love some help. Thank You

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My daughter was brutally murdered almost three years ago, by her boyfriend. He pleaded guilty and was given a life sentence in Febuary 2003, we are still to know how long he will serve in prison before he is eligible for parole. This in it's self is making it harder to heal as we feel we are stuck in a kind of limbo and cannot move on from this stage. We feel we have been treated very shabbily by the court system, on that day and now, once the trial was over we were just cast aside and left to get on with it. It really makes me angry that we as survivors are given no real legal support or help practically or emotionally,the man who did this to our darling daughter will be given all the support he needs now and when he is released. Is this justice!!

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Lizzyb and Fuscia,

I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a child from injuries that came from the hands of another. My son crossed over from injuries sustained in an accident and I have a hard time with the "why didn't he" do this or that. But, to lose your child at the hands of another.... Oh how my heart hurts for you. Please know that my prayers are with you as you move through the "justice" system. I pray for your peace.

Peace to you, Tina

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Dear Tina,

Thankyou so much for your kind words of support, and I too am so sorry for your loss. To lose any child is a terrible thing, but to lose a child suddenly brings with it added difficulties and questions. I think this is probably some thing we both share. I hope you too find some small pockets of happiness and peace, you are in my thoughts.

Fuschia

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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I was wondering how to deal with the driver who is responsible for my son's death.The driver was 15 and was driving 91-97mph when the accident occured.Another teen was also killed.The driver walked without a scratch.We are currently in court with the County Attorney pressing charges for the state of 3 counts og negligent endangerment(youth court charge)My issue comes that it has been 4 months and the driver continues to drive without a seatbelt and was also drinking and driving 6 weeks after my son's death(not caught by law enforcement but punished by school officials for violating athletic contract by drinking)We are so frustrated that legally this kid can still drive after killing 2 people waiting for the court to decide.The other frustrating thing is no remorse.Even his family thinks it was just a teen driving mistake.How does one cope with the emotions of a son's death and the lack of remorse by the responsible party or the fact that he still drives.I am at my wits end.The topper to all this is I work with the mother of the driver and she is horrible and thinks that my driving my car with a memorial window sticker is harrassment .Any thoughts on how to survive this ?

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Tylersmom,

I cannot believe this kid is still driving. Even if the courts had not taken his license, I cannot believe the parents have not forbidden him to drive. I don't know how they can live with that. My daughter Ashley died in a single car accident. She fell asleep and hit a tree. One of the things I'm am so thankful for is that I have noone to blame, or that noone can blame her. What if she had hit someone? That would be doubly hard. I can't imagine as a parent not taking some responsibility for the accident their son had, by at least not letting him drive! Also I can't believe the other mother could think that a memorial sticker is harassment! This is not about her. You have lost your son. I have memorials all over for Ashley. I have her picture tattooed on my back, I have her picture hanging in my car, I have earrings that were made for me of my daughter as an angel and the list goes on. These things in some way comfort me, even if it's just a little bit. I believe our children are an extension of us, so if my child had hurt someone or caused such pain in someone elses life, I would feel some resposibility and want to offer any comfort that I could. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Peace to you,

Dottie

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Tylersmom, some people are just incomprehensible, it sounds like the parents of the kids that killed your son are complete morons, in denial about what damage not only thie child has caused, but what they are still allowing to happen. I don't know if this witch has confronted you about the sticker in your car window, but I think I would go nuclear on her if she would do it again. There is no understanding people like this, never will be. I am so sorry that you have to be put through all of this, but I would stay on the authorities and get this kid off the street if that is possible. One of our good friends who lost their son in an accident where the driver was drinking and going at an excessive speed still has to watch, after 6 years, this kid driving around everyday, still getting tickets. He did have to spend some time in jail and his life is ruined, but it just doesn't seem like enough punishiment to me. I am in the same situation as Ashleysmom, Kirk was by himself and I thank God that was the case. I don't know how I would have handled him hurting someone else or someone else hurting him. It just isn't fair and what we as parents are left with is complete and utter devastation to clean up, at times it seems like it is not going to be possible to even get started in cleaning up the mess that is left of our lives, but somehow we do to a certain degree.

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I was wondering how to deal with the driver who is responsible for my son's death.The driver was 15 and was driving 91-97mph when the accident occured.Another teen was also killed.The driver walked without a scratch.We are currently in court with the County Attorney pressing charges for the state of 3 counts og negligent endangerment(youth court charge)My issue comes that it has been 4 months and the driver continues to drive without a seatbelt and was also drinking and driving 6 weeks after my son's death(not caught by law enforcement but punished by school officials for violating athletic contract by drinking)We are so frustrated that legally this kid can still drive after killing 2 people waiting for the court to decide.The other frustrating thing is no remorse.Even his family thinks it was just a teen driving mistake.How does one cope with the emotions of a son's death and the lack of remorse by the responsible party or the fact that he still drives.I am at my wits end.The topper to all this is I work with the mother of the driver and she is horrible and thinks that my driving my car with a memorial window sticker is harrassment .Any thoughts on how to survive this ?

tylersmom, i'm so sorry about this whole situation that you are in. i would suggest that you keep after all the different authorities you can. keep pushing and be a pain in their ass. the parents sound like people that do not see the real picture. unfortunately they may never see it. go to your local government and local authorities. tell your story. contact the local news channels and papers. do whatever extreme measures you can. contact the school that this boy goes to and tell them that he should not be allowed to drive a car on school property. call the kids/parents auto ins co and see what can be done. or at lease make your name/story known to them. even contact children and youth services......the parents are being neglectful that their son has an alcohol problem and wont get him help. also, lack of proper parental supervision for a minor. for the issue that the child needs AA meetings and community service NOW and a more severe punishment later. wow, the more i go on the more angry i get. i am so sorry that you have to go thru this, i can't even imagine how you are dealing with this. as for your "co-worker".....go all out with pictures and memorials of your child, it is for your healing in the grief process. it is not harrassment in any way. i don't know if any of my suggestions will get you anywhere but try whatever you can to get some type of answers/attention to this situation that you can. i do wish you the best and keep posting here at least to vent. we are here to listen. heather

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On Dec. 30th 2004, my 24 yr old son, John Robert went out drinking with several of his friends. He was in school, and there were just 3 days left until he had to hit the books again. He was an EMT, and in the firefighters program which was very demanding, and was needing to 'unwind'. He had wrecked his truck just days before, totaled the truck, and fractured his ankle, which was causing him to limp, and worry about performing drills at school. So, he and four friends go out. One friend, Tory, offered John Robert a "pain pill", foolishly, & w/ trust in his friend he took the pill. The four went to another bar, where John Robert was begining to feel "sick". Two of the boys were brothers, one brother took John to the house these two boys (24 &23) live in with their parents, a girl friend, and Tory's little girl. WHen the boys got to the house John was throwing up, and, "really out of it" This entire family understood the situation. The pill Tory offered John Robert was Methadone, from his father's 'pill bag'. John Robert would have never taken methadone. He knew alot about it. His cousin had just died from a methadone overdose 4 months prior. So, this family carried John down to their garage & tossed him on a make shift bed. Not able to wake him, they left him. No one called 911, they didn't want to get in trouble. In the morning, Tory went to check on John, & found him not breathing, with lips blue. Still they did not call 911. Instead they got online to find out if John would show methadone on a drug screen. The family got dressed, and 2 hours after they found him with blue lips, they put John in a car & drove the 20 min. drive to the hospital. 911 has a response time of 4min. in our town. But the family didn't call 911. They didn't want to get in trouble, the Dad didn't want the police at his house. While they were dropping John off at the hospital, one boy came to my house, telling me John overdosed. Knowing John, I kept asking, on what, John would never do drugs. Tory said, "It could have been alot of things, I get a bunch of different drugs from my Dad. It could have been methadone." Had he not said that, I never would have known, because methadone doesn't show up on the regular tox. screen. I had to ask for a special test to be done.While we were at the hospital the family was at home "cleaning" just in case the police came.Tory lied to the Doctor & said he didn't know what John had taken. Tory lied to everyone, different lies, to different people. The first thing the Doctor said to me was, "Your son will never open his eyes. He'll never be OK." But, I held on for 7 days. We pulled life support, and he passed 3 days later. I brought him into this world all by myself, and that's how he left. I held him in my arms & told him how much I loved him. I'm grateful for that.His death has been the hardest thing I can never live through. I don't have any family contact, haven't spoken to my mother, brother or sister in over 10 years. Altho they were very close to John Robert, & I called them at the onset of all this, they haven't picked up the phone to even give me a call. I feel so alone, and so heavy with sadness, I just can't live another day. If losing your will to live would let you die, I would have. But life is cruel, & I have to stay behind & try to make what is so very wrong right. The DA hasn't shown any interest in this case. And I need to know how to make this family accountable. You don't just watch another human die. I need some help, advice, hope, something. I'm so sad I can't function. Where do I get the strength to fight? They family that did this to John Robert, haven't even suffered a skip in thier lives. I haven't seen any of them, or talked to them after I got to the hospital.It's just all so wrong. I live in Oregon, if anyone has anything....

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Nqueen, I don't know what to say. The death of a child is so traumatic anyway, circumstances can just eat at us and it sounds like your circumstances are beyond what anyone person should have to endure. First, you need to contact a lawyer to see if sueing the family is an option because that seems like, from what you have said, it is the only option here. Your son's friends will have to be able to testify that the kid gave him the pills and you will have to prove that they kept him confined and didn't help. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but in ours there are many lawyers that will consult the first time for free to see if it is a case they would be willing to take. You are going to need a lot of documentation from the hospital, and the coroner. This isn't going to be a simple task and this family sounds like they just stepped out of a horror movie, but trying to at least put them in the spotlight might give you some satifaction even if the case is going to be hard and take a lot of time. You have to be willing to make a lot of sacrifices to even get to first base when the DA doesn't seem to want to touch it, but a personal lawsuit might be the way to go if a lawyer thinks there is a chance. I have heard from a lot of people in wrongful deaths and there is a very long hard road that you will have to travel on this one, but just outing this family might be a good thing.

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Nqueen,

Oh my gosh... I couldn't believe what I was reading. I am so sorry for your loss. I am also very sorry that you are alone in dealing with the circumstances that surround the way your son died. I agree with Jim, contact a Lawyer, or two! At least take that first step to see where you should go with this. You may not get the resolution you are looking for, but at least you are trying to right something that feels so wrong in your heart. Do you have a friend that could make some phone calls for you? This is a lot to take on by yourself.

Make sure you get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water, and eat. These basic functions will aid you as you take on each day.

Please know that we are here for you in any way that we can. I lost my son on Jan 4, 2002, and have battled every step of the way to stay "withit". I do feel much stronger now and I know that every mini step I took got me this far. Beyond Indigo parent's are very supportive and understand your pain.

Peace to you, Tina

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I found this site a few weeks ago, from my Mom. I haven't gone on yet and talked about my son but after reading your post, I had to!

On Memorial day 2004, our 16 year old son, Josh, was found unresponsive by his friend's and 15 minutes later we were told my police that he had passed away.

I was devistated and couldn't understand what happened! He was with his 3 best friends and they had spent the night at one boy's house, which is where they were when they couldn't wake Josh in the morning.

After a few days we found out that a kid in our town had been giving out his Mother's perscription to kids and it was Methadone! Josh had taken 2, 10 Ml pills. He had never done anything like this before and we were shocked when we found out he had taken them! Nothing else was found in Josh's system except the Methedone and according to the Pathologist, the 2 pills was enough to cause an overdose in him. He had a terminal siezure from lack of oxygen to his brain. The pills caused his resportory system to shut down, once he had fallen asleep, and the lack of oxygen to his brain, caused the siezure.

Not one of his friends heard anything unusual that night and they found him in the morning, he had been gone for a few hours already. We know nothing else about the night before, if he had any problems, no one is admitting to that, and they never brought him home or to a hospital, just let him fall asleep. Although his friends were his best friends and said that other than throwing up a few times that night, before going to sleep, they swore he was fine when they did go to bed.

The kid that gave him the pills admitted to it and was waived into adult court almost immediatly. He is 17 yrs. old. His Mother had also been charged for distributing her Methedone to people in local bars here. The kid wont admit that his mother knew he was giving out her pills, so she can't be charged for my son's death. The kid is though. He ia charged with 1st degree Reckless Homocide and distributing perscription drugs. he had given the pills to another boy the night before he gave them to Josh, but this boy just got very sick from them. He had done lots of other drugs before this and I think his body was able to tolerate them, unlike Josh's.

Anyway, we have court coming up for the Mother the first week of June and for the kid, in July. We don't know what to expect, but we really need to have some justice for Josh! He never got a second chance. He made one mistake and lost his life for it! This kid and his Mother have been in and out of trouble with the law for many years. Josh had no record of any kind and was a good kid!

All I can say is that if tests showed enough Methedone in his system, the police should have been able to make an arrest in your son's case also! I would pursue this as far as you can!

We almost didn't have a case either. The samples taken after Josh died were ruined and they alsmost didn't show the true results, but out Police Chief wouldn't give up and had the samples sent to a better lab and ened up with the results we needed. We are very thankful to him! Also the DA in our County is very aware of this other family's past history and is very willing to take the case as far as he is able to!

The Mother is facing 3 counts of ditibuting, which carries a Maximim sentance of 45 years total. Her kid faces the Homocide and 2ditributing charges with a Maximum sentance of 70 years total. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that we expect some kind of justice here!

Court is going to be so very hard! Our older son, is 20 yrs old and the DA has already told us that he will be supeaoned for the jury trial. This ios going to be very difficult for all of us!

I will keep you posted, and good luck to you!!

Josh's Mom 4-ever!

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Josh's mom

I am so very sorry for your loss of Josh.It is a very tragic event.Justice is something we all seek for the untimely death of our children.My situation is different but the court system only adds to our pain.We however must prevail for our children so this does not happen to anyone else.

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Joshsmom,

I am so sorry for the loss of Josh and the circumstances that surround his death. I can't imagine taking on more than the death of my child... my heart goes out to you and your family as you go through the justice system. I would do everthing I could to make a wrong, right. I have learned a lot by hearing the stories about RX drugs on this web-site. It is now my mission to let my child, my friends' children, and anybody I come into contact with, know that RX drugs are killing children. Up until the last week, I thought everybody knew that. However, it is obviouse that it is a conversation we need to be having with our youth. Thank you... and please know that we will be thinking about you and hope that justice is served.

Peace to you, Tina

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Joshsmom,

I am so sorry for the loss of Josh and the circumstances that surround his death. I can't imagine taking on more than the death of my child... my heart goes out to you and your family as you go through the justice system. I would do everthing I could to make a wrong, right. I have learned a lot by hearing the stories about RX drugs on this web-site. It is now my mission to let my child, my friends' children, and anybody I come into contact with, know that RX drugs are killing children. Up until the last week, I thought everybody knew that. However, it is obviouse that it is a conversation we need to be having with our youth. Thank you... and please know that we will be thinking about you and hope that justice is served.

Peace to you, Tina

Thankyou so much for your understanding words! It has been a long 11 months, and the 1st anniversary for us is right aeround the corner. It is so difficult to try and explain to people when they ask what happened to our son, I feel that I have to go out of my way to defend him and the circumstances surrounding his death and that is so very hard! I am so glad that my Mom found this site, it helps to know that there are others who don't judge! Thankyou again, Josh's Mom!
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I found this site a few weeks ago, from my Mom. I haven't gone on yet and talked about my son but after reading your post, I had to!

On Memorial day 2004, our 16 year old son, Josh, was found unresponsive by his friend's and 15 minutes later we were told my police that he had passed away.

I was devistated and couldn't understand what happened! He was with his 3 best friends and they had spent the night at one boy's house, which is where they were when they couldn't wake Josh in the morning.

After a few days we found out that a kid in our town had been giving out his Mother's perscription to kids and it was Methadone! Josh had taken 2, 10 Ml pills. He had never done anything like this before and we were shocked when we found out he had taken them! Nothing else was found in Josh's system except the Methedone and according to the Pathologist, the 2 pills was enough to cause an overdose in him. He had a terminal siezure from lack of oxygen to his brain. The pills caused his resportory system to shut down, once he had fallen asleep, and the lack of oxygen to his brain, caused the siezure.

Not one of his friends heard anything unusual that night and they found him in the morning, he had been gone for a few hours already. We know nothing else about the night before, if he had any problems, no one is admitting to that, and they never brought him home or to a hospital, just let him fall asleep. Although his friends were his best friends and said that other than throwing up a few times that night, before going to sleep, they swore he was fine when they did go to bed.

The kid that gave him the pills admitted to it and was waived into adult court almost immediatly. He is 17 yrs. old. His Mother had also been charged for distributing her Methedone to people in local bars here. The kid wont admit that his mother knew he was giving out her pills, so she can't be charged for my son's death. The kid is though. He ia charged with 1st degree Reckless Homocide and distributing perscription drugs. he had given the pills to another boy the night before he gave them to Josh, but this boy just got very sick from them. He had done lots of other drugs before this and I think his body was able to tolerate them, unlike Josh's.

Anyway, we have court coming up for the Mother the first week of June and for the kid, in July. We don't know what to expect, but we really need to have some justice for Josh! He never got a second chance. He made one mistake and lost his life for it! This kid and his Mother have been in and out of trouble with the law for many years. Josh had no record of any kind and was a good kid!

All I can say is that if tests showed enough Methedone in his system, the police should have been able to make an arrest in your son's case also! I would pursue this as far as you can!

We almost didn't have a case either. The samples taken after Josh died were ruined and they alsmost didn't show the true results, but out Police Chief wouldn't give up and had the samples sent to a better lab and ened up with the results we needed. We are very thankful to him! Also the DA in our County is very aware of this other family's past history and is very willing to take the case as far as he is able to!

The Mother is facing 3 counts of ditibuting, which carries a Maximim sentance of 45 years total. Her kid faces the Homocide and 2ditributing charges with a Maximum sentance of 70 years total. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that we expect some kind of justice here!

Court is going to be so very hard! Our older son, is 20 yrs old and the DA has already told us that he will be supeaoned for the jury trial. This ios going to be very difficult for all of us!

I will keep you posted, and good luck to you!!

Josh's Mom 4-ever!

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It seems there are alot of us suffering from the irresponsible control of others medications. What we need to make very clear here is Methadone isn\'t like any other medication. It\'s has a slow \'come on\' effect, and a very long half life, which makes the taker not even notice it\'s effect for quite sometime, and by then, it\'s too late. Up until 3 years ago, you could only get methadone in a drug recovery clinic. Doctors couldn\'t write for it. Methadone was never seen as a good option to pain control, and was mainly used to help with withdrawl from heroin. Now, that Dr\'s. are handing out the scripts for it as if it were candy, the diverson rate has tripled. I\'m John\'s mom, I have been going through much of the same things you are. I can\'t get the DA to do much of anything. Even if he thinks Johns \'friend\' didn\'t mean to kill John, the fact of the matter is, he was the one who gave John the pill, and he & his family just stood by & watched my son die. Thousand of people go to prison for far less every day.

And, what do you say to these people who want to know how your child died. John wasn\'t a \'druggie\'. He too was trying hard to do the right thing, going to school, working to become a firefighter. When you say he died of a drug overdose, their whole persona changes. As if \"well, that\'s one less junkie off the streets.\' It kills me to even say it. True enough no one held a gun to John\'s head and forced him to take that pill. But, he too thought he was amongst friends, and felt a saftey in that. How foolish he must feel now. Wondering why his friends were more concerned with their own lives, than with his, which was slipping away as they watched. Something must be done. We hear a lot about oxicotin, and the likes, but, you hear very little of methadone. And, it\'s 10x more dangerous and on the rise. And like Josh, this was John\'s first time taking the drug. He had no tolerence for it, and I\'m sad to say, they were dringking on top of it all. And, John know\'s better. I think they think \'Oh, it\'s just a pill, how much harm could it do. ALOT!!!But, it won\'t do us any good to tell our children not to take this horrible drug, if they aren\'t informed of what the pill they\'re being offered is.It\'s unfortunate that we have to teach our children that they can NEVER trust ANYONE. No matter how good of friends they are, no matter what. You always have to be on your guard, because when it get to the scary part of Overdoses, all your friends will potect themselves first & formost.And, people lie. When their lively hood is on the line they really lie.The peole that allowed this to happen to my son had a high paid lawyer that very day. So, the DA has had trouble talking to them. I suppose it\'s true. If you have enough money, you can get away with murder. Just ask OJ & Robert Blake.I feel like I have no rights in any of this, but, the other family does.Way more than I do. You seem to be having more luck in the legal ranglings than I. But, I assure you, I am far from giving up. You will find solace in this kid getting some sort of punishment, ofcourse it willnever be enough, it will never make things equal. I don\'t think anything will. The friend is a total sleeze, and John was a great human, trying to do good, and the powers that be took John instead of the sleezy friend. How does that make any sense. But, then none of this makes any sense.And it never will. My whole life has been turned upside down. I don\'t see any break in the clouds. I can\'t even get through a day without crying, orI\'m just going through the motions in a complete zombie like fashion. But, after reading your story, I thought, if we are even the only two that has gone through this, together we should be able to accomplish some good. I\'d like to talk with you more if your willing. I don\'t want to intrude, and if this has been anything near as difficult for you as it has been for me, everything is wroght with difficulties, nothing is easy. And, if I had my choice, I would be in the bed, with the covers pulled up over my head. So either in this forum, or by email,if you\'d like someone who knows what your dealing with, I\'d love to chat with you. Maybe we can help one another. And, at this point in my life, I know I need all the help I can get. Looking forward to hearing more of your story, and how everything comes out.

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I just want to support both of you and let you know that I don't think your children were any less important than the President himself. Life is life. Your children died from something very unfortunate. It could happen to any of us. I feel sad for anybody that wants to "label" your child's death... they still have a lot to learn.

Peace to you and my support, Tina

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Finding the legal system in knots when a child dies is nothing new. It is sad that the people commiting the crime have more rights than those the crimes were committed on and the families of those harmed. It will only change when parents take charge of the situation and go to the public with their stories no matter how hard.

Our story is more simple in the fact that our child was by himself and only harmed himself. Our son was drinking and driving and now almost 5 years later we are going to possiblely get ourselves into a situation to help others because of his bad decisions. His decisions didn't make him a bad person, he was a great kid, we loved him beyond measure, he just had some tough moments.

He wasn't wear a seat belt and if he had been he would have been just fine. He was only .01 over the legal limit, but it was painful at the time to find out all the problems that his drinking caused. I still have a hard time with wondering what I could have done to stop it, but unfortunately kids do have a mind of their own. Some decisions are not meant to hurt or cause pain, they just do. Now maybe we have the opportunity to stop this from happening to just one person if we can get our stories out there, let our kids set an example that others can follow. Will it be easy, no, but if it can help save just one other life, it is well worth it.

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Hi Nqeen,

I could barely see through my tears while reading your post! I feel so different since coming here and seeing yours and others supportive words!

Especially since you and I have a common thread!

Everything that you wrote was exactly what I am feeling too!

Unlike you, I do have a very strong support group around me, including close friends and family, but my family lives about 3 hours away from here, which makes the computer even more necessary for me!!!

I would really like to talk with you whenever you need to and if you would like to e-mail me, I would like to hear from you! It's tsengel@ez-net.com. My name is Sue.

How did you do on Sunday, being Mother's Day? it was pretty hard on me, but I went to the cemetary and sat there a while. I know Josh is always with me and I don't need to go there to be close to him, but I go there anyway!!

I look forward to connecting with you soon!

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Hi Joshsmom aka Sue. It does seem we have the same story to share. And I'd love to get in contact with you via e-mail. I'm having some computer issues, and can't get on my email site to write right now, but, I wanted to you to know, my heart is with you, and if anyone can help me make some of this tragidy understandable it would be you. So, I'll just say I am interseted in sharing what has proven to be the most difficult time of my life with you, with the hopes we can help one another, and if there are miracles, stop this from happening to another wonderful person, and loving mother. My email is NQueen@AOL.com, please feel free to drop me a line I'd like to know how you're dealing with the legal system, and all the other things that tend to drop me to my knees, like seeing the guy resposisble for all this out at a bar having the time of his life. I know we aren't alone, and methadone is out there like never before. This has to stop. And perhaps it will be mothers like us that do it. Take a walk, enjoy the sounds of nature, and the closesness you feel when it's just you & your son out staying connected. There really are somethings, that no matter what, no one can take from us. It sounds like we both had beautiful boys, and the memories they left us with are our treasures, that can never be tarnished, or taken away. Peace be with you. Nanci

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Last week Thursday, my Grandmother, who was 93 years old, passed away suddenly!

She still lived independantly in her own apartment! She had a very hard time accepting when josh passed. She asked "why not me, why am I still here?"

She came down with phenomnia and within a 10 hour period, she was gone! I live with my husband and older son, 3 hours away from her, but asked my Mom to please tell my Grandma to give Josh a big hug from all of us when she sees him!

About an hour later, she passed over!

Over the past year, all of our family has found pennies in very significant places and times and we have always believed that they were sent to us as signs from Josh. (it was always one single penny).

We went down for her funeral and on that afternoon, while we were getting dressed and ready to leave for the funeral home, my Mom and I went into her bedroom to look for a belt and right in front of her closet, there were 2 pennies lying on the floor! We both cried!! Now he sent us 2 pennies from heaven and that confirmed to us that my Grandma was with him and had given him the hug we asked her to!

Signs are everywhere and if we watch for them, we can be sure that our kids are letting us know that they are still with us and are doing fine!!

Josh's 1st Anniversary date is May 31st and I miss him so much! But then when I feel at my worst, he reminds me somehow that he is still around us! I am so lucky to have had such a caring and loving son, to make sure that I know this, when I am at my worst!!

Our first court date is coming up on June 1st, just one day later, and we are hoping for some justice! It's the Mother's jury trial, whose perscription Methedone was given to Joshua! Wish us luck!!!

Thanks for listening!!

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Josh's mom

I am so very sorry for your loss of Josh.It is a very tragic event.Justice is something we all seek for the untimely death of our children.My situation is different but the court system only adds to our pain.We however must prevail for our children so this does not happen to anyone else.

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dear josh's mom, I want to tell you that i read your story and my heart goes out to you, I too lost a son, my anthony v. chavez, on 11-10-03 he had turn 20 years old, on 11-13-05 three days after his 20th birthday, we celebrated his bd with a meal at our home ,his girlfiend and his daughter amor was there. it has snowed and he drives a 1969 lowrider impala , he lovesw to drive, that night his hydraulics from his car froze underneath, and he said to me his last words " mom, I have to go b4 it starts to snow more. I cant drive my car like this ," what happened is that the hydraulics left the car on three wheel motion and he could nt drive in the snow tht way, he went home ,put on his overalls and had his girlfriend hold a flashlight towards the hydraulic that was froze, he went underneath the car , the jack slipped and fell on my anthony, his girlfriend did call the paramedics and police , my son lived in a security area with a large gate with code enterance only. the paramedics got there on time but couldnt get in they didnt not now the code # to open the gate, time went buy, they waited for a car to come to the premises to open the gate for them, a total of 15-18 mins passed they finally got in used the jaws of live to remove my son, he wasent breathing it was too late , he survived in the hospital on machines for two weeks, each day the doctors would tell me he will not regenerate , he lost too much oxygen to his brain, no one can survive that, i didnt give up i prayed day and night, i hav 5 other choldren to care for, its been a year and a half and i still havent paid for his funeral barial cost,i'am ashamed of my self to even say this , i cant afford to. my son 's car was to be painted and entered in a car show to win a lowrider contest for a trophy, he has never won a trophy, his uncle and grandfather own show cars and they have trophys, he said that this year mom it my turn , that will never happen. I still havent spoke with a lawyer , i feel i might have case due that the paramedics and police and state police dept didnt no the number to open the gate ,and when they did they ripped the car to shreds withthe jaws of life, dont make since, if i can change time i would remove that gate, i have to pass by that gate everyday to take my children to school, i like hold my breath until i am over the other side ,like swimming , that i can do, dealing with the loss of my son hurts so much i lost so much weight, i barley want to dress or do anything for my self, for the other children i 'am there for them, even though they have been in and out of detention homes for the anger that they have with the death of big brother my childrens ages are

2,13,15,17,19 and 3 yr old granddaughter from my anthony, my heart will ease alittle if i can get his car up and going, enter it in a car show win a trophy in honnor on my anthony. thank you indigo for having this site.

my praysers for all of you

ANTHONY'S MOM

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Dear Anthony's Mom!

I waited to write to you, hoping to be able to give you some good news after our jury trial for the Mother, whose Methedone pills were given to Josh.

Well there isn't any good news! Two of the guys supbeaneoed for court, never showed up, and the judge dismissed her case!

The DA told us he will refile the charges and get the guys to cooperate, but it's all got to start from scatch again!

The worst thing is, her kid got caught with methedone again.....AND, even though he was out on signiture bond, he got bailed out by his Grandmother and is back home again with his Mom!

They can put a parent in jail if they're kids are truant from school, but if they don't keep narcotic drugs locked up and away from them, that's OK!!

I wanted to say "thankyou" for writing to me about Anthony and telling me about him! You are so lucky to have your Granddaughter from him!!! I always wanted to be a Grandma someday.....now I will only be able to have grandkids from my older son, Eric, hopfully!!!!

Josh was so outgoing! He had lots of friends and he was popular with the girls, even at 16 years old! He was so easy going and alot of his friends told me after he died that everyone went to him whenever they needed to talk and he always listened and tried to help! That was Josh!!!!

I miss him so much!!!

I wish you luck if you decide to try and go further with the fact that the security fence kept the parimedics from getting to Anthony faster!

Please let me know how you are doing, and I'm sorry it took be so long to post back to you!!!

Josh's Mom!

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Joshsmom, when I saw Methadone, I noticed it quickly, because my wife is prescribed it for the pain related to her dystrophy. The effects of this medication on her at a prescribed dose are serious. It's too easy for someone, especially a teenager, to overdose on it. My heart goes out to you with prayers throughout your sorrow. While I watch my wife walk the journey of an incurable, fatal illness, I can't even begin to imagine the horror you must face in your grief. It brings me to tears thinking of it, because I have a son about the same age.

To think of the travesty of our legal system treating this case so flippantly is only a statement of how little respect the judges have for the taxpayers doling their salaries, and for the Constitution of this great nation. It also shows the lack of respect of those who commit the crimes against the legal system. It's like they mock the system to catch them if it can.

May you be filled with peace and hope.

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Tina's Dad,

I am sorry to hear about the pain your wife has to endure! I am beginning to understand the dangers that Methedone has, but before this happened to Josh, I had never even heard of the drug!

The woman whose perscription was given to Josh, has it for back pain! She doesn't lock it up like she should and therefore it was easily taken by her son, who then gave it out to kids in town! (She has also been charged for selling it in bars in town here and it's well known that she often tells her son to go sell the pills and make some money, that's why it is easily accessable to him! But unfortunatley he wont admit that and says he stole them from her, keeping her from being charged with Homocide for Josh!)

Josh's body was unable to handle the 2 10ml pills! He also didn't know that these pills were Methedone!

It's just such a shame that nothing is being done with the fact that this women isn't being held responsible at all for not keeping this lethal drug out of the hands of children, especially her own son!!

Her son was caught again, about a month ago, with Methedone in his possesion, and he is back home with his mother! This is just wrong! Does another innocent child have to die? Another family get put through this hell? While they just go about their lives with no remorse and nothing changed for them?

Give your wife my best and know that I will keep both of you in my prayers!

Thankyou for writing!

Josh's Mom!

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Josh's Mom. Please pardon me if I get a little intense about this. I am so upset about this! Possession with intent to sell Methadone is a felony, because it is a federally controlled substance. The ill person may need money, but it's not worth going to jail for. Especially for the precious life of an innocent child. Do you think the media would be of any help in returning this issue to court for you?

While you work on the healing, remember the steps you will be taking. You will pass through Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and then Acceptance. You may experience several of these phases of grief at one time, or skip one of them and come back to it later. That is just a basic guideline of their order and the usual order in which we pass through them. But, while you go through this grieving, take time to make yourself feel special, like getting a relaxing massage, taking a long hot bubble bath, or doing your nails.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how it's going for you.

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Tina's Dad,

I would love to bring the media into this, but both my husband and I are afraid that the District Attorney would be upset with us! He is trying his best to get these two guys to cooperate again, but now he has to start all over with the case and refile the charges against her. (Also everytime so far that any story has been written about the case or Josh, they always put that he died of a methedone and alchohol overdose, which wasn't the case! He had no alcohol in his system, so the media will probably make their own story too!)

My husband is having a very hard time dealing with the fact that she hasn't gotten put away for this by now, and may not!!

Her son, who was 17 when this happened with Josh, was automatically waived into adult court and was charged with distributing and 1st Dgree Reckless Homocide, and his jury trial is July 21 and 22nd! But my husband and I would really like to see this so-called "Mother" have to face something too!!!!

It is just very painful to realize that the criminal usually has more rights than the victim or their families!!

It has been a very long and sad year for us! Just the factt that Josh took the pills to begin with......it's just not something he did, and is very hard for us to comprehend! It's just such a shame and waste of a great kid's life!

He had so much to look forward to, and now we may not even see justice for him!

But if it does come down to the nitty gritty, I know I will do everything in my power as Josh's Mom to see this to the end for him!!

I just worry that if something doesn't happen soon, my husband just may take matters into his own hands! I don't know if he would actually hurt her, but even if he goes to her home (which he has done in the past), he may be put in jail, and then watch and see how fast he gets charged with something!!!

So far, the police here, have understood his reasons for having to confront her, but as time goes on, you know how people believe that we should "get over it" and I know they wont take it much more, before they charge him with something for "bothering her"!

Tahnks so much for listening to me!! There is such comfort in knowing there are people that actually don't judge!!!

My son was a very good boy! He just made a bad choice, and never got a second chance!! Just answering the question, "How did your son die", is very hard! I feel that unless I explain the whole story, he comes out looking like a bad kid!!

I hope that things work out in the court system, and I will let you know what happens!!!

Thanks so much for responding to my thoughts!!

Josh's Mom

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Joshsmom,

I don't think any kid is a bad kid. There is no such thing. Kid's make bad choices, but they are not bad. In most cases, kid's are victims of circumstance. I just want you to know that no matter what your son chose to do that day, or didn't choose to do that day, it does not change that you hurt and that he was a child who lost his life. Shame on anybody who thinks that the way a child dies changes the value of that child's life. Anyway, your baby boy is the victim in this. He didn't know that he was going to lose his life... nobody chooses to do something that may take their life.

Please know that I care and I understand. Tina

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Josh's Mom, I would love to see this come to the righteous end before the wrong thing happens too. I don't want these people to give out candy to any more babies, and this needs to be stopped. I'm glad the police have been understanding so far with your husband, but they won't stay that way long. Three of my cousins were killed in a drug deal that went bad, and I know the feelings that go through a family. I have a degree in social work and struggle to keep my fam from getting into a war.

I have a passion for peace. Nothing gets me more than things that happen to innocent children, and I'm with artina, your son was caught up into a draft of circumstance in the moment, and paid a tragic price. If you need assistance with advocacy, I may be able to help a little without you having to disclose too much information. I may be able to get this into the right hands so this doesn't happen to another son or someone's daughter. I'd like to see these "people" unable to continue this horrible tragedy.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Hi,

I've been posting more on the child loss board than here, yet I was here a long time ago and remember when you, Joshsmom, first posted. Passing out prescription drugs is a felony. It is so horrible that you are having such a hard time getting this mother and son to be accountable. Why bother passing the law in the first place if it isn't going to be enforced. As intelligent as we hope our law makers may be, you'd think they must have seen a scenerio like this coming a mile away. Otherwise, why pass and make it a felony in the first place if they are going to make it so difficult for those that suffer as a result?

I understand your fear about your husband taking matters into his own hand. At first it was our family that sought legal action on our behalf. We were so busy trying to see our daughter through. When the first law firm turned us down saying that she was given "minimal standard of care" I nearly hit the roof with rage. So did my husband... I decided to take it into my own hands and pursue. And it is official now. The lawyers have filed suit on Kristian's behalf for wrongful death.

My daugther died of brain cancer. I fully understand that cancer is a huge threat to life. Yet my daughter was denied adequate care for over 2 years before she was correctly diagnosed. If not longer. By the time she was correctly diagnosed, she had been completely blind for over a week, had been going gradually blind for well over a year, had been suffering from a non stop headache for over 18 days at that point after over 2 years of suffering severe migraines lasting anywhere from 1 to 10 days at a shot, was only 41 lbs at 9 years old, and had barely eaten a full meal in over 3 years because of the tumor's pressure on her brain. She also had diabetes insipidus for at least 3 years at that point as well as other hormonal issues because of the tumors pressure.

In all that time, I was blamed as a mother. We were blamed as a family. By the school and the doctors. Just as Kristian's first real symptoms showed up, we had just moved from RI as a struggling family to NY in a thriving affluent neighborhood.

"is there something going on at home that we should know about" "is she getting enough sleep at night" "it's behavioral" "it's emotional" "she's acting out". "she's just looking for attention". Oh I can go on and on and on about what they all wanted to spew at me during all that time.

During all that time, I kept promising Kris, we'd figure it all out. We'd make it better. I couldn't and I didn't. I tried to make them listen.

When she was diagnosed correctly, you have no idea how many people came to me to tell me how sorry they were. Except her doctor...he merely promised he would make sure to sign a family medical leave act should I need him too. Needless to say....I didn't need him at all. She clearly spoke loud and clear enough with her symptoms that threatened to take her life from that point on and eventually did.

Whether I've already said this once or a million times, it'll never be enough. My baby girl was robbed of a fighting chance, if not the opportunity to save her life.

I've been told that no matter what, the doctors never would have wanted this to happen. They're only human and make mistakes.

Well guess what, it's a mistake that should never have happened.

I expect nothing less than accountability. And by that I mean, this doctor should go to bed every night remembering everything he said to me and to Kristian. For eternity. I can't wait to see him at deposition. He told me his own son, at the time, suffered migraines and shared many of the same symptoms as my daughter. I can't wait to ask him how similar he felt they truly were.

Did his son stop growing suddenly and cry every night after vomiting up the 2 or 3 bites of food my daughter did nearly every meal she ate pleading she wasn't like everyone else and it wasn't her fault? For nearly 3 years? I doubt it.

I'm a mess now. I have been for a long time. I try and try. To no avail. I am angry and I am inconsolable. I watched my little girl starve herself for nearly 3 years, go blind then fight cancer as best she could. I am furious. I am a mess and it seems no one in the world wants to deal with me.

Tinasdad, If you mean that by bargaining, as a step to healing, that I can bargain my way not to find the route to the doctors doorstep that cost my little girl her life, from costing me my own, you are exactly correct. I want nothing more than to create for him, the suffering he allowed her. I want to cause him horrible pain and tell him he's merely "acting out, looking for attention", interrogate his family and tell him it's "all in his head".

For that, I'd be a criminal. Because he's a doctor, it's okay. He didn't know any better. Yeah. Spare me. He spent 2 years debating sending my little girl for a catscan, and deciding against it because he "had it under control" whereas I did not. Whose child is still here. His is. Mine is gone forever.

Proud mom of Kris, Jonny and Kait

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No, this doesn't get easier with time. John Robert has been dead for 6 months. The only thing that happens is the difficulty in picking up the peices, so abundant & scattered, grows with every dissapointment we suffer at the hands of the system. Josh & John had several things in common. But, the one I think we suffer most from, is that when people inquire how John or Josh died, saying a methadone overdose, seeing the rest of the story being dictated by their own minds, and not the real truth. As if our boys are somehow unworthy of justice, or respect & honor due to the mindset of there just being one less drug addict on the streets. Not all who die of an overdose are druggies. Some are victims. Of others. And the others, the ones responsible enjoy not only freedom from legal persuit, but life. My son would have gone into a burning building to save a life. He was a firefighter. The other boy wouldn't even pick up the phone to save what he deemed his buddy. Yet, John, who would have made this world a better place is dead. And the other boy, who has been nothing but trouble, kicked out of ball teams, school and jobs for drug use, gets to live on. I swing from anger to uncontrolable crying, and soul breaking sadness. Things aren't getting better, time is just passing. The system doing nothing keeps it going. Seeing the people responsible out having dinner, enjoying life, while my family can hardly step outside without being hit in the face with the reality that John is never going to come back, that's difficult. You can't go forward, forgive what won't even be addresses, or answered for. How many of us just have to sit back & take what the system says is worthy of their attention, and what's not. When justice isn't done by those who's job it is, what are we suppose to do. Nothing? Shrug our sholders and try to go on with the truth in our hearts only? Try to deal not only with our childs death, but, the injustice as well. No, that's too much. I won't. Wrong is wrong, and people have to be held accountable. I know I will be.

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I just wanted all of you to know that I am in your corner. My HEART goes out to each of you as you battle the darkside of people. What does a parent do? I know that I would be doing everything I could do to make the wrong right... but where does one find the strength to not only battle the system, but the uncaring attitude of people to reach out to a mother who has lost her child. It makes no since to me. You have lost your child!!! What more could motivate a person to help you find justice. If I could, I would help you. Please know that our prayers are with you and your children are worth it... This could happen to any one of us- your stories are proof of that!

Peace to you, Tina

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I can't begin to tell you all, as I read each of your posts, and cried AGAIN, how much it means to me to read your words!!! NQueen hit it right on when she said about answering the questions of how our sons died! It is hard! Many times I have gotten angry with the way my husband answers that.....but he doesn't know either!

The fact that these "people" have no remorse for what has happened is what really gets to me the most! They just don't even give a %%^% about it and really think they have done nothing wrong! They can't think they're wrong if they're still doing the same thing!!!!

One of the times my husband went to her house to confront her and knocked on her door...she actually opened it, which in itselt shows me she's not all there, (we live in a very small town and everyone knows my husband!) anyway, she opened her door and said "I didn't kill your son"!!! He went crazy!! he tore her screen door right off the hinges!!

Chels1003, I understand completely everything you said and feel too! It's just so sad that people can't admit when they have done something terribly wrong! As long as their lives just keep on going with no interuptions, they are fine!

I wouldn't put what happened to us on my worst enemy, but then again, they are my worst enemy and I would love to see them have to walk in our shoes for even a few seconds and feel what we feel every minute of every single day and know that we can't change anything back to the way it was when we had a life that was "normal". When our families were whole and we were happy to know that everyone was together and we had no reason to think it would ever change!

Having to find comfort in any tiny sign from our kids to reenforse to us that they are still around us, just in a different way now, seems unfair, but I find myself having to live my life that way each day now, just to get through them.

They still have an unbroken family! Nothing has changed for them, they've been inconvenience alittle, that's it!

Josh should be here enjoying the summer, bombing around in his GEO with his friends and coming in the door and saying, "Hi Mom, I'm home"! Or calling me to "check-in"!! Or asking for a few dollars so he can go to Burger King!!

Tina's Dad, thankyou for everything and I will most definalty remember your offer to help us!! I'm scared too that even if this does go to court they could walk away completley anyway or just get probation!! Then what? Nothing!!!

It just seems so unfair and the road is so long! And after everything we may still get nothing!

I can't even imagine court for the kid, having to sit there and listen to autopsy results and they'll be talking about my 16 year old son! What am I going to do! I know I will break down and if I do then what? But I can't, not be there either! Hearing everything involved with that night and knowing anything, even something small, could have changed the outcome!!!

God, this is so hard!

Artina, your words are so reassuring!! You always have a post for everyone and whatever you say always is so caring and makes it seem like you actually know Josh!!!! Thankyou!!!

I am just so grateful to be able to tell you what I feel and know that you truly understand the horrific pain in my heart!

Thankyou for all your posts, they mean more to me than I can say in words!!!

I will keep you up to date!

Josh's Mom 4-Ever!!

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Joshsmom,

We will be praying for your family to get through this very important stage- quickly. Our thoughts are with you.

Tina

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Chels1003, we live near the Big Apple, and know what you mean about getting hassled by the system for being bad parents when a child is ill. As a counselor, I see too much of it, and the parents are all too often innocent. Children become ill, and parents have not caused the illness, especially in your case. You should be commended and praised for caring for Kristian so well. The system of school and medical staffers who thought such things against you are so wrong.

Josh'sMom, be strong. Fighting this battle against drugs can seem like you're losing, and even if you lose the smaller social battle, the drug dealers and users lose the larger war. They risk losing their homes, families, freedom while they do prison time, their lives. It's worth standing up and doing what you're doing. Guard yourself against their revenge. While you are in this fight and all the stress, take time to give yourself personal pampering. You need and deserve to make yourself feel special. Treat yourself to a long walk in the park, a bubble bath, scented candles, whatever.

As you grieve, you will release the sorrow in many ways. You will have times of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may experience several at once, or take these out of this order. Just work your way through them and be patient with yourself. You are the one who is grieving, and you are the one who gets to choose the way you grieve.

Talk later. Have a sweet weekend with your families.

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Thanks everyone for allowing me to spew up what I normally hold inside most of the time trying to just get by and be as normal as I can, as best I can. We all need to and I'm glad there's a place for it. It is hard for us all.

It's devasting to think that after our losses we have to prove the worth of our children's lives to justify the actions we are taking to come this far legally. Anyone dealing with lawyers know exactly what I mean. They apologize for it, but it's a fact. They tell us it will drain and drive us places emotionally that we may never be prepared to go.

Nqueen, Joshsmom and everyone else, from what you've shared here, I understand what you're feeling. I am, as I said before, very much looking forward to having the opportunity to confront, in front of a group of people, peers or not, the doctor. For me that will give me some peace. To make him answer MY questions. For me the "legallity" of it all is moot. To make him answer my questions and know that what he said to us was completely irrational and off base. Selfish, arrogant and far, too far presumptuous. That he was wrong. And he is at the very least SORRY! That at the very least an ounce of prevention surely is worth a pound of cure. I will never have that satisfaction....Not in this lifetime. As far as he's concerned sorry will cost money. I could give a crap. Money is the least of my worries and there's not enough in the world to replace my baby girl. I'd gladly eat dirt and beg on the streets so long as we could all be together again.

Yet, at the same time, I know this doctor is watching every child that crosses his path with a scrutiny he wishes today, that he had given my baby girl, Kris, 4 years ago. I know he is. His career depends on it. Therefore, the threat of my anger is doing some measure of good so far. Perhaps, if there is a God, it will save another childs life.

It's hard to address what I'm feeling most times. Kris spent so much time being sick before she got the help she needed. It all happened so fast. By the time we thought she was actually going to beat it after the odds were stacked high, it was just so quick, none of us could truly comprehend the scope we were literally thrown into. One day she was walking and cancer free...next day she was in a wheelchair with 2 tumors in her spine, then completely paralyzed and I'm not exagerrating.

This was a little girl that wanted to live. Scared to death of dying. She did not want to die. I was pressured all around to let her know she was going to die every day for the last month, by her doctors, by hospice. I didn't believe it. I couldn't. She didn't either.

One friend told me that was the kindest thing I ever could have done for her. To keep believing in hope. To keep on believing in miracles. I feel like I lied today. But at the time, it didn't feel that way. I wanted so hard to believe. And when she left, I was shocked. As much as I was told, I was still shocked.

The bottom line for all of us that have lost a child is finding a way to make the most of their short lives that we were blessed to share with them. It was a gift. No matter what we face now, the time we were given with them is worth more than anything else. As angry or as sad as we may be. I'd rather have known Kris and lost her, than never known her at all. As much of her as I can share, she's the one thing in life that can keep me whole no matter how broken I feel.

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Chels1003,

That was well said, "she's the one thing in life that can keep me whole no matter how broken I feel". That is a thought for me to hold dear to my heart.

Peace to you, Tina

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Chels1003, perhaps I think differently because I spent time in foster care as a child. I may also think differently because my brother died from the neurological disease I still fight. But, I must say that I would never, ever even think to say that you lied to your child. Hope is a mysterious entity. It can drive us into saying and believing what we would otherwise not. When my brother died, my grandfather kept on cheering for me, even though his heart was broken. It was hope that made him say I was going to live, even though I had little chance. He never lied, and you never did either. You have only spoken the language of hope in order to help your child stay in the fight so she could beat the illness. What you feel is the sorrow because hope didn't keep her alive. You have only shown that you are a wonderful parent. If only all children could have parents like you, this would be a peaceful, loving world. May you have all you need, and may your sorrow wash past you like the ebbing tide.

I missed what you wrote a few days ago. I'm sorry for that. My daughter was here visiting. You know those situations when a child finds a parent who was not in the picture? Well, her Mom never told her about me, and never told me about her. We had a great time together, though. Anyhow, The steps to grief that I wrote about, when you get to Bargaining, it means you will make a deal with God, Satan, Bob Barker, or Fast Freddy the Car dealer to get your child back. It doesn't mean slamming door number three on the doctor.

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Chels1003, I wish you all the best when your finally in there and confronting that doctor with every question you've replayed a million times in your head! I know how much you need to do this, for yourself and for Kris!!

It's surprising to me how much strength I've gotten to confront all of this over the past year! I may seem quiet and from the outside it looks like I've just accepted things and tried to go on, but on the inside I replay what I would do and say to the women and her son, if only given the chance! I am not like my husband, and have no nerve to go there and look her in the eye! Especially after he has, and all she seems to act like is that he's a crazy man and she's being bothered!

I dread with all my heart having to sit through the upcoming trial and court for her son, even though I know I have been also waiting deperately for the day!

It's so strange to feel so many different emotions about the same thing!

I love Josh so much and I will endure this for him, and in the end, hopfully, we'll be able to get some justice for him! But then again I'm just terrified that they will get off! It's so scary!!

Put in the same shoes as you, and knowing how much I love my boys, I would have done the same thing if I was put in the situation you were, as far as having to tell your daughter she was going to die.....how in the world could a parent do that> like you said, it would be like showing her that you gave up!!! You know your child better than anyone and you have to do things according to that and only that!!

We've had so many let downs already and getting myself ready for another one is something i have found myself doing lately! I want to think positively about the trials, but in the back of my mind I also need to tell myself that I have to be ready for another let down!

All I know is that I feel Josh around me at the times when i am at my worst, and I have to remember to be strong for him! He is the most important thing and I wont let him down!!!!

I really care about all of you and our bond is strong! Thankyou once again for being here!

Josh's Mom

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Joshsmom, To feel him near you is a matter of your heart, your soul. He will always be near you, as long as you hold this love in your heart. The array of feelings you are getting is a normal response to the situation you are in. You are grieving and feeling the grief emotions we discussed earlier. You are also feeling the stresses of the court issues and those will, like the attorneys said, take your heart to places you may not wish to go. It's a trip to a town called heartbreak today, then heartache tomorrow, only to visit hysteria on your ride home. It's lonely and draining. Be strong, and look at the many innocent children you are going to save by going through with this. I'm proud of you. If you need a little extra support, let me know, and I'll see what we can do to make this part of the journey a little easier and brighter.

Having my daughter home once in a while to help care for my wife is so helpful. I have been getting tired out staying up all night with her, and not getting the rest I need. I'll be in remembrance and in prayer for you, with all you are going through. I will be in prayer for you all, you are such wonderful people.

Take care and while you grieve, take a few minutes out of the steps of grief to pamper yourselves. You all are worth it. Enjoy a bubble bath, do your nails, try a little bit of a makeover, fuss with your hair. You know, make yourselves feel and look special on the outside. Here's the secret. You are already special on the inside.

Have a great day and may you have all you need. Mark

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