I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

double darn damn....sailed through yesterday & 18 month mark then this monring had a really bad time for awhile. Could have been the sappy cd I was listening to on the way to the dog's haircut or could have been the fact I was on the way to the dog's haircut (something Rod always did) or could have been the crappy cloudy day..who knows. Just another ride on the old roller coaster. I'm fine now but I hate it when those downers sneak up and whack me. Everyone, have a good day. Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, sorry that you are having a bad day. The weather does add to our moods. I can't  believe here in Pittsburgh they are calling for our temp. to reach 67 today. The sun is shinning......I know this won't last for long. Yesterday, I picked up a pill called Mood Plus Sam-e. It is suppose to take care of joint comfort, mood support and liver health.  So I thought I would give it a try.

I am running out to vote and go to Zumba. Take care.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

sorry double posting here..

[aprilmoonflower]

[user=12343]aprilmoonflower[/user] wrote:

maryjo- (((hugs))) I know how that is! I have at least 2-3 bad days a month. but now at least I know I won't feel that way forever yk? there is hope!

dorothy & baca- I shop online ALL the time. I have been shopping online for over 10 years now and now almost shop exclusively online. (I am in the boonies and it's easier with 2 small children) my UPS man loves me. LOL. I never could figure out why he wasn't afraid of my 2 rottweilers, but the fed ex man is. (we are in the country on top of a steep hill, they live out front)  the other day I saw him and he was telling my dogs "i ran out of treats guys". lol.

btw dorothy I wrote an article about Sam-e a few months back. good stuff!

I take flax seed oil and evening primrose oil. it helps me ALOT with PMS and depression. I used both exclusively to overcome post partum depression (combined with exercise) after my first child was born.

LOL< not sure how I ended up quoting myself.

anyway here is the (very general)article I wrote about sam-e if interested..

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/325838/same_a_promising_supplement_for_depression.html

[laquinn]

Hi everyone I haven't posted in awhile i have been really busy at work, yeah it's supposed to be parttime. I have been  doing preety good until yesterday and I was dealing with the insurance company and the drs office try to get the records sent so they can settle the life insurace claim but I have to get a court paper that says I have rights to them. Even with him gone that damn hippa law still gets in the way now I have to get a lawyer that I can't afford to do the work so maybe someday they will settle the claim. I sat and talked to his pic last night asking him what I should do what did he want me to do. I have been thinking about moving back to the town we were from but I can't find anything yet maybe that is his sign to tell me to stay here. I just know that this is not fair and I shouldn't be having to make this decision with out him it's been 12 and a half weeks and somedays I just don't know how to go on and others they just fly by. I am just not sure what to do any more. Have a good day talk to you all later have laundry to do just got called in to work!

Lela

[missque]

first day of classes toady went really crappy. im having a bad day today. i have class with jers friends so every tues mornring i will have a constant reminder- making it hard to pay attention. then i went to buy my books and there was jers ex - making my sadness to anger. i cant stand her- not because shes an ex but because of all the crap she put him through when they dated- which was 3 years. then when her sister told her that he died her responce was something along the lines of so, why should i care and walked away. not to mention jers mom doesnt know that and shes really close with her apperetly they talk every day making me feel really shitty since she hardly ever talks to me- though i do talk to jers step dad weekly. the weather is shitty out- rainny foggy cloudy making me feel even crappier.. now im babbeling so i shall go

[aprilmoonflower]

lela- can you try a probate/estate lawyer? they should be able to help you. most lawyers will do a payment plan or whait until you have your $ from the settlement (They will take a cut) GL with that!

Miss-sorry your day was sad. hopefully tomorrow will be better for you. sorry it is so hard.

I am starting the process of having both my kids evaluated. for sensory disorder and speech delay. ugh. I feel like such a failure as a mother. I must have done something wrong..sigh.

[missque]

april- i think its great you are doing this early and no you didnt fail... it took till i was in University to be tested for a learning disability- frankly i feel like the school system faild me for not doing this earlier for me and that it took me going in and asking for help cuz i wasnt doing well..at least you can get the stuff in place that they may need now instead of when they are 22.

[aprilmoonflower]

thanks for sharing. that helps make me feel a little better.

[aprilmoonflower]

btw I should add (for Lela) I pay my lawyer by the hour.

[missque]

so i've  come to the conclusion (and i may be very wrong) that the guy i was sorta seeing was just thinkin with his 'lad' and that i just got used... which really my heart it broken from jer so its not like it can get worse but yet some how it does.. i hope im wrong but im going with my gut on this one so im thinkin im right

[aprilmoonflower]

omg I am chatting with a single dad of 3 who lives in the next town over and found me via my single parents group! he's also a homeschooler & vegetarian.  wtf?!? where did he come from?!? we are going to plan a park day event with our group. is this like a date? LOL. (j/k) but the timing is real wierd you have to admit,eh?

[aprilmoonflower]

miss- I'm sorry. that's sucks if that is true! jerk! good riddance in that case!

[missque]

well if it is the case im thanking my stars that all we did was make out and nothing more...and if he thinks that im gonna put out for him hes got another thing comin- unlike many 20 year old girls these days- the relationship comes before the sex therefor no relationship no sex!

april- good luck with it it soudns like it could be fun..and i'm sure u will learn a lot even if its just talking to another man

[missque]

by the way im thinking its just u and i tonight lol

[aprilmoonflower]

yeah where is everyone? ahh well. I need to get going. the kids are asleep so now i can clean and do whatever I want and enjoy the quiet!

as for your guy dilemma. I am rethinking it.. maybe he is just feeling bad about what happened? maybe HE is feeling guilty? you never know..men are a different species.

[missque]

good luck with ur cleaning... and lets hope thats all it is cuz im in no mental state for this using business

but im off to bed now- got early class with the prof that resulted in jer and i meeting... if i thought today was hard tomorrow is gonna be 10000 times worse...i met jer last year in her class and thats how we started dating... im gonna need many prayers to get through it tomorrow mornring...thank god its only 1.5 hrs but its twice a week not sure if ill even beacle to concentrate

[naz496]

how many times do we have to say that we hate this new format. who cares about 2005 it was 100 yrs ago.

Any way you are a good mum you have picked up at an early age and tring to do something about it. I to think I have failed my 8yo he is still so angry. he has gone camping for 3 days and I feel sooooo guilty I am having such a relaxing time just me and my 4yo daughter. no fights or arguments getting sleep and im even going to try and read a book this afternoon.

I never thought that I would ever feel ok again, but today I do I will never feel like I use to but today I am ok.

Its nice to see that we are all starting to find the accasional good thing in our lives. I have decided to try and be more positive and find some meaning to this . I dont want to be stuck for ever. I have just blinked and missed a whole year of my kids lives, and thats not fair on them or me. and Mal wouldnt want that either.

Hope everyone finds some peace today

naz

[missyouhoney811]

April, thanks for the info on sammy and good luck on your park date.......

I am so happy everyone seems to be alot better this year. Everyone sounds as if that heavy load is finally lifted off our heart. It feels good to smile and laugh again.

Naz you sound great. I also wish they would get that damn 2005 postings off this site.  I sent them a e-mail when the change was made. They were uncertain they could do anything about it.  If it was my site I would make sure I made the people that used it happy......only my opinion.

This Friday, 1/11/08 will be 17 months since John died. Considering the time he spent in the hospital before his death he has been out of our home for 22 months.

I went to Zumba tonight ..... makes it three nights in a row this week. Not bad for an old girl lol...........also I went to my doctor today I have a few tests that I must get done within the next month. Life goes on.

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

Thinking of you Mary Jo.................

[airymoon]

Linda i know where that is i drove to detroit to get my car and somehow ended up in your town. It would be really cool to get together we will have to figure out when sometime soon.

Mis after my husband died our mutual friend talked me into joing the Y and working out with him and it was one of the best things i did. I initially just went and walked ro rode a bike when i was hurting but then i started lifting wights and whenever i needed to release stress or anger i would go and work out as hard or as  little as i needed. Not only did it help but i lost wieght and built muscle. As far as the guy you were sorta seeing maybe he is having doubts and if he isnt then he's a jerk and you have learned a lesson . dont beat yourself up but it is alright to tellhim how you feel and if it is the case then tellhim straight out that he is a dumb f***

April do not doubt yourself as a mother because of this. Its really great that you noticed there may be a problem and are taking the steps to correct it. You would be a bad mom if you refuse to see the problem or refused to get them help. I work in an at risk pre-school and there are a lot of times we see kids with delays and whe the parents are talked to about it they refuse help or go so far as to pull their kids from the school. There is nothing you did or could have done to cause or prevent the things you are having them checked for.

I think the timing is perfect. And its only  a date if you want it to be. Good luck

Becky

[missyouhoney811]

Wonka, how far is Bloomsburg, PA from Pittsburgh, PA? I have never heard of that City before.

Hoping you are doing better. It takes time to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[missque]

new insight on boy situation- but due to him im going to the bar and getting very very intoxicated- will fill in later

[armaiti]

Hey everyone...

Miss, sorry about the guy - take care of yourself!

April, there is no way anyone could call you a bad mother!  Things just happen at different times.  And good luck with your park date too!

I'm feeling more like I will to to the Oregon Country Fair, get my pass and all and hang there more this year...last year it was just too hard, way too many memories, plus everyone there is all happy and fairy-wings and glitter and smiley...I couldn't handle all that when I was feeling so sad.  I swear I almost strangled someone with their fairy wings who told me to "SMILE".  But this year feels different, like I'm ready to go out and do stuff again.

I've been creating more and more art every day - I seem to have hit some motherlode of creativity!  

Hope everyone has a peaceful night,

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

Hi everyone today I spent talking to a lawyer that says he can get the paper that I need to and I will not have to go to court to get it, Thank goodness for that. and then spent the rest of the morning faxing papers to another lawyer to see if the aspestis in the city hall had anything to do with Randys cancer they have everything they need so they are gonna get started on that.

Tonight I am having very mixed feelings on everything that I am trying to do these days. I want to move back to the town that we are from but I am scared that I won't be able to do it. I want to trade off my car(before it quites on me) and I don't know how to do any of that stuff. My son and his family was over tonight and all I could do to poor Blake was yell at him I never yell at him but I did tonight and now I am setting here with tears just running hard I don't know what is wrong with me today.  I really miss everything that i had this time last year and i can't do anything about it.

I just don't know how to do anything that needs to be done and I hate to bother anybody because they all have things of there own to do. I hate having to rely on anyone for anything but this is what it has come to. I have been doing so good and not having the crying spells and trying to be happy but I can't do it anymore what am I supposed to do.

I told myself before the new year that this year I was gonna be ok and nothing was gonna bother me but I am not ok and having a hard time now.

Thanks for listening Lela

[missque]

Lastnight I was in formed by a very close friend who knows the guy and the ex girlfriend (i actually was at the bar with her lastnight) and apperently he pulled the same crap with her that hes doing to me. so i've decided if he wants anything than he can start the conversations cuz i ALWAYS msg him so we're gonna see how long it takes him to msg me this time. however i did have fun lastnihgt which is all that matters except im slightly hung over

[missyouhoney811]

Lela, try to relax and be kind to yourself.  Time truly will heal. You will never forget what you had with your husband but somehow, someway you will become whole again.  If I were you I would not feel bad asking for help from others I am sure they do not mind. I never had that  type of problem because I always took care of everything from the day John and I married.  I remember I would get upset with John because he had no interest in what was coming in, going out, savings or the insurance policies we had. He had no clue. I was always worried that if I were to die he would have no knowledge on what we had or didn't have. I ended up making  many copies of everything telling my son and husband so in the event anything would happen to me they would at least know that somewhere in the house there were copies of all the important papers and they would just have to go on a wild hunt throughout the house.  As it turns out my son is just like his father so I have a box at the bank where I have all my important papers. 

Tomorrow is the 17th month anniversary since John's death. I will be going out for dinner and drinks with my friend Renee. I thank God for giving me the chance to know my husband for 35 years even tho all the years were not healthy for him. I am  glad I had him with me for that length of time. He was and always will be my Hero.....

Blessings,

Dorothy

[amberi]

Hi All, It is really good to see some positive on here.

April -my son has a learning disorder that we didnt find till 4th grade. I felt the same way we have tried everything and so far nothing is helping. At first I thought I was a bad mom too, but then realized with all the struggles that family was going thru of course I would have missed it and we are only human. Good luck and he is still young plenty of learning time for him.

Missque- Sorry to hear about the guy, that sucks but maybe its better for you get thru the weeds before you find a rose. I had a friend that I was liking and be were becoming text buddies and then it stopped cuz he met someone I was hurt cuz while me and Alex were separated I did have feelings for this guy but buried them when I was trying to fix my marriage. The texting brought them up again. Now I told myself New Year new life. No going backwards to old flames. I still miss Al very much and am prepared for the down days but going forward with my life too. I wish you the best and glad to see you got your drink on and had fun. Good for you.

Anna - I love your design. Do you have designs for strength? I want to get a tattoo that has a deep meaning of strength and believing in ones self. I am searching for something right for me. When I saw your design it just seemed to jump of the computer to me. I dont have a religion so it makes it hard to find the right thing I wouldnt want someone saying I have something I dont believe in. If you have any ideas or suggestions I would love to hear them.

Hope you all are doing well. Miss you all.

take care,

Amber

[naz496]

armarit

I have a friend that lives in Creswell oregan her name is carol Gemmell, she has just remarried though. I dont know her new married name. She owned the hardware store in town I forget the name of it, not in creswell just near it. small world, and I live on the other side of it in Australia

naz

[armaiti]

Naz - Creswell is only about fifteen minutes from Eugene, but I think I've only been in the town once or twice...

Amber - I used the Japanese kanji calligraphy symbol for the Love design.  You can google "kanji strength" and a ton of variations will come up that can give you some ideas.

I have a couple of friends coming for the weekend, one is one of Ishaq's best friends, who's girlfriend died earlier last year.  He's leading a Dances of Universal Peace dance leader training this weekend which I'll go to as well.  So I"ve got a lot of house cleaning to do today. 

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Anna.. nice post on the I believe page. Very well written. MJ

[naz496]

amartai

the hardware store was in eugene. thats the town I was tring to remember the name of. she had it for many years.

naz

[Error username not found]

hey.. werid thing happened....  i tryed to reply to the convo and they said i wasnt allowed cuz i wasnt logged in.  ?? im usually always logged in..but they used to let ppl reply as guest?? i guess that feature is gone.

but anyway.. i just wanted to tell you all that i was looking something up online and they have this book called "For Widows Only" by Annie Estlund. is supossed to be good. anyway i was reading articles and it was about a woman in therapy and she went and the therapist told her she was doing good..except for emotionally or something like that and he told the woman that she still hasnt come to terms with the fact that he is really gone. he said you still expect him to come home. so he instructed her to write a letter to him telling him all the things she missed about him ..and all the things that were better since he left! which struck me as weird but i realized.. i HAVE gotten alot better..but i havent even thought about the fact the its real. i wont do it. i really dont think im there at all. i actually dont think i ever want to believe hes never coming back. when the thought crosses my mind i get a cold rush through my body and i dont want to think anymore. EVERY time. but hey.. if thinking hes coming back is working for me and it makes me happy then i really dont see anything wrong with it.

 anyway.. anyone who is interested..try to write the letter. im going to sleep. goodnight everyone.

[aprilmoonflower]

Baca- that's an interesting idea about the letter. i may just try it. I can think of ALOT of things lately that are better since he's been gone. maybe I am just seeing the situation on a different level though after finding out about him cheating/lying/drugging.. I am still looking into alanon. I just feel dumb about it because he is dead,yk? I have moved on in a big way though so maybe it's not necesarry.

btw I don't think it's unrealistic to think he's not gone. who's to say he's COMPLETELY gone any way? and who is to say that is not your own personal defense mechanism in dealing with it? nobody has the dinifinitive answers in this or we'd all have the magic cure to missing our partners and the greif process. drugs are'nt going to fix it, time won't fix it and therapy isn't going to fix it. it's up to your own heart and mind how YOU deal with it in the end. I just don't think losing a partner is ever "fixable" or the grief process finished. I think the thought is absurd!

anyway just some thoughts..

 

[airymoon]

Lela   first you tell blake you are sorry im sure he doesnt need to hear it but you may need to say it. Then you tell him how hard things are for you and what you need help with and you ask for help from your friends and if somebody offers you take it. That was one of the hardest things for me to do because i never ask for help and i almost never take the help offered but in this situation we cannot do it all alone and survive and it is ok to get help. It doesnt make us weak  it will actually make you stronger, I promise

Becky

[aprilmoonflower]

anna- funny you bring up kanji. I gave DH a kanji charm for his necklace the first year we met. it has the symbol for "forever" on it. he wore it everyday and was wearing it when he died. I still need to pick out some journals from your site! there are sooo many great designs! I have been journaling ALOT Thoiugh so ned to stock up!

oh and btw I do hope you will be able to go to the fair! I can't hardly wait!!!!!!!!!! and I am totally making glittery fairy wings (and other fun stuff!) for me and the kids!LOL. I just wish I was pregnant so I can get my belly painted! that is going to be hard to see.

[laquinn]

Becky thank you. It is just so hard for me to ask I have always been the one that did for everyone else and now there are so many times that I just can't seem to do alot of the same stuff i used to do. I have alot of friends that tell me to call if I need anything at all. But for the most part I do ok with everything but late at night is when I need someone that I can talk to every now and then. It's been 13 weeks today and sometimes it feels like yesterday.

I did finally get the lawyer to make the call to the drs office and then fax a paper so they are releasing his files to the insurance company so now naybe I will be able to get the rest of these bills paid.

Well I think I am going to bed long day today and my back is hurting pretty good.

Have a good rest of the night and talk to you all later

Lela

[airymoon]

Lela   i am the same way i walways helped others and we did for ourselves. Didnt want to be a burden on  anyone or put them out. Thank goodness i had a friend who told me its not whether i will help you but how because i am helping you and i can do something you need or i can guess at it and probaly mess up some of your plans that way. After that i realized all these friends were friends of kurts to and it would also help them heal if they did for me. It would be their way of doing for kurt.When i thought of it like that i also thought of it as helping them with their grief so it was easier for me to ask and accept. Take the first step, It will be ok

becky

[rodless]

Lela,

I'll join in with becky's comments. It's hard to ask for help. I asked a friend of Rod's to help me clean gutters and I could tell he felt really good being able to do something. Men especially aren't very good at expressing their feelings. They'd rather have a task to do. I don't ask unless I have to but sometimes there's no choice. You can always send pizza gift certificates if it makes you feel better about it.

The letter idea...I went to Beginning Experience (its a program sponsored by the Catholic Church for divorced and widowed) after my divorce. They run support groups and weekend retreats. Part of the weekend process is writing a letter and then reading it out loud to your small group. Lots of tears and hard to do but it's amazing what a cleansing thing that is. I would recommend the program to anyone. The only problem sometimes is that the widows don't always understand the anger associated with divorce. I was on team for 3 years and it was such a rewarding experience. I've actually been thinking about doing a weekend again. I also have a book to recommend...Finding your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Felber. It's helped me a lot. And I can't say enough about journaling, how it helps.

I'm going out tonight with a group of friends to celebrate a birthday. We always have a good time. Sometimes I still have to force myself out but I'm always glad when I do. Hope all of you have a good weekend...little snow here but at least decent temps.

Mary Jo

[missque]

me and a bunch of friends *including the boy* howeve 30 min before i have to leave to go meet them all the boy decides that we need to have a talk about 'us' so that things arnt awkward - try again! u tell me that u dont want anythign to do with me and that the stuff that happened happened oh but lets stil be friends and hes like i dont want it to be awkward so ill still see u tonight right? haha nice try most awkward night ever. not to mention i wish i could go back and change things that hapepend because i feel so used and low right now. im so disgusted with myself. he even had the nerve lastnight to yell at me - i mena raise his voice-  i was not impressed...so now im supposed to be his friend still some how while he inored me the entire night to hang out with his ex- i wonder why he chose that night to talk about us (not!) im so angry and pissed off at him and hating myself! i let myself get used and i hate it

[rodless]

Just a short postscript...BE welcomes all Christians, not just Catholics. There is a mass at the end (at least there used to be - it's been almost 20 yrs, since I was there) but it's done is a way that everyone is comfortable. As fas as I know it's a nationwide thing.

[aprilmoonflower]

I have that book Mary Jo! Also the book "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" is a good one too (And I see they have a workbook now too)

if anyone here wants my copies of either book please PM me with your address as I would like to pass them along to someone that can use them, as I am not going to read them again.

[aprilmoonflower]

miss- you didn't let yourself get used he MISLED you! don't be so hard on yourself!!! (((hugs))) I would steer clear of him and drop him. sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and that is NOT what you need in your life right now,yk?

[aprilmoonflower]

as for the help thing. I am on the oppositte side. I have asked people for help and get NONE. I have been stranded, abandoned, ignored and snubbed. nice, eh? It has definitely led me to re examine the people in my life and cut those out that bring us down. it's been hard, but the best thing ever for me!

[missque]

April- I have the same book- I wasnt ready to say goodbye.. My parents friends got it for me instead of the typical flowers- i really like it.. I pick it up every now and again and read parts of it... i tried the journaling but it wasnt my thing..i had one called i cant stop crying- it was my moms when my dad died and than she gave it to me after she read it but i never did- when Jer died and i was at home i picked it up for the first time and read the whole thing in one night- i passed it onto his family after

[naz496]

larquinn.

dont be so hard on yourself Mal has been gone 13 months today and it still feels like yesterday.

naz

[naz496]

barclay

I live every day thinking Mal is only at work and will come home one day. I know he is dead but I dont accept it. and this is how I get through each day for me and the kids. I think its not hurting anyone else my denial so if it works stick with it

naz

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm a goat mama!

www.xanga.com/earthymama

[rodless]

Lindat...how's it going?? Haven't seen a post from you for awhile and have been wondering. Are you going to have to do chemo? radiation? I'm really hoping to hear that surgery was enough. Let us know because we care!

I have a friend who just had 4th chemo. Ran some pepto to her last night and checked on her this morning. She's miserable but hopeful as they tell her worst is over. Brought back memories of Rod going through it which triggered off a crying session which bummed me out most of the day. But on a gloomy chilly day it's not that hard to go down. I'm better now and looking forward to a movie with friends later. Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow...

Congrats, April..what a cutie! I bet your kids are over the moon.

[lindat]

Hi MJ,  

Recovering well and going back to work next week.   The lymph nodes were negative for cancer, but the tumor was twice as big as they thought.   I will find out for sure on Thursday (the 2nd anniversary of the last time I hugged Terry) what treatment is next,  but they seem to still be pushing the chemo in addition to radiation. 

Jim and I are heading to the holistic doctor tomorrow, hopefully we will have a good day without stress or fighting.  He is OCD and some days are really stressful.   He gives great emotional support, but he is mostly the reason I need emotional support...   

Will post when I know more.... 

Great artwork Anna!

Beautiful baby goat - congrats April!!!

Peace to all,  Linda

[armaiti]

April, your new baby is adorable!  I love goats, I grew up in Napa, CA and a lot of friends had goats both for milk and for pets.  There is nothing like fresh goat milk!  Are you going to make any goat cheese too?  Yum!

Linda, it's good to hear from you.  Keep letting us know what's going on.  My friend who is having the lighter chemo only has two more sessions, he's really happy it's almost done.  He's done pretty well through it all. 

Miss, try not to beat yourself up over it.  You could just say you made a mistake that you won't make again.  I know that's hard, but if you can be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, maybe it might help. (you don't have to forgive him until you are ready though!)

I know that one about expecting Ishaq to come home...I've gotten to where it feels more to me like he's on an extended trip, which he is, sort of.  The dreams where we talk are like the letters or phone calls I'd get if he were away for a retreat or something...I mean really, they are just over that next ridge of life when you think about it, we're gonna get there sooner or later...it's hard to wait it out though sometimes. 

Anyway, I'm so exhausted I'm staying home tonight.  Cat woke me up Friday night throwing up, and I had guests, so I'm trying to chase the cat out the cat door, all the while hopping on one foot because I'd stepped in cat vomit and trying not to wake up the friend sleeping on the living room floor!  Didn't get much sleep that night!

Hope everyone has a peaceful night,

Blessings,

Anna