Loss of an Adult Child

[Artina]

Mitch,

I believe that your view on grief is one of experience. I'm sure it will help many people- understand the grief process.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

Since you have publicly posted on this site, Mr. Carmody, I feel you have left yourself opened to debate about your views. While I recognize that you are a grieving parent I do take exception to your "theory". Kubler Ross' work was with the dying, not the bereaved. Over the years many people, including medical personnel, have tried to tell dying patients that they have not progressed into the stages of this model. Kubler Ross stated that patients would go in and out of these stages, that they are NOT progression steps. Her work was important in the fact that it was ground breaking as no one had studied the dying and she was the first to do so. But again it was about dying, not about being bereaved. As to your comparisons to Erik Erikson's 8 stages of social/emotional development, again this is trying to "retrofit" a process that cannot be defined. Because again, he is talking about life, not death not bereavement, with a real chronological progress to that life. Yes we are in a new life without our children, yes we will trust to a point and laugh and feel joy again (on our good days), but I have seen people 20 and 30 years removed from the death of their child and there is a sadness in their eyes, a slowness of step, a barrier to experience that deep felt joy one feels when "all is right with the world" that cannot be defined. No one can tell another that there are stages to grief. We can affirm feelings of anger, guilt, depression, tearfulness, frustration and all that goes with grieving, however, there are no stages, no set pattern. One will drift in and out of stages and one will progress but no one can tell another how that progression should take place and how it should end.

I wish you well with your speech, as we all are entitled to our own viewpoints. May we all find peace and hope in this season of new life.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[daveydow1]

Julsmom,

I agree with you regarding the stages of grief. It has been

22 mo. since I lost my dear Davey, and I am not aware of any

stages. All those feelings are jumbled up within me, and I

cannot ever see myself working through them in my lifetime.

I am just plain sad, and will be that way forevermore.

Peace to all who must walk along in this quicksand life.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

About Mitch.....

I'm afraid that a lot of what he wrote didnt get past my eye lids,as I am to depressed to read much more than a couple of paragraphs of anything these days.

I dont think that what we are going through could be considerd stages, as each day brings a renewal of the same pain and depresion as the last. There may be times when we smile, laugh, but mostly we cry.

I have accepted my childrens death, I'm not angry, who would I be angry with? Some nonexistant, mytholigcal being? Certainly not my kids, they didnt want to leave this earth when they did.

I'm sure some will find Mitchs work to be enlightening, but i'm afraid that what I read didnt do anything for me.

Peace to all of you...

Carrie and Matthews dad

Stu

[brin3d]

I just would like to add my insight into this discussion. At the age of 24 I became the oldest generation of my family. One grandmother died when I was 8, the other when I was 24. My mother died when I was 17 and my father when I was 12. So I have lots of experience with death and "grieving". Yes the loss was overwhelming each time it took place, however when I lost my daughter I can honestly say I didn't know what grief was. I still think of my parents and grandparents from time to time and shed tears for them, but I think of my child each and every day, several times a day and I have shed so many tears for her that I could have made a small lake by now. Each and every person grieves in their own way and their own timeline. How can you possibly label stages of grief? I have a hole in my heart that will remain forever until the day comes that I will see my child again. That is her place and only her place. Nothing else will ever fill it.

I too found every book I could to read. Did they help? Not really. It just passed the long hours after her death. Maybe that is what it all about. Something to pass the time. Her birthday is coming up next month. She would have been 25 this year. I miss her more with each and every day that passes by without her in my life. For us never goodbye for I will see her again someday.

To: Darcia

ILYTAPOHSS 4infinity3'd and a few

Mom

[Mitchell]

Thank you for you responses on my 'theory'. One cannot describe the ocean unless one has seen the ocean. We have all seen the ocean and may agree on many things but everyone's perspective and journey so different. What I think we can all agree on, is that this is a forever journey. Like Darcia I also experienced much loss in my life, My father when I was 15, my brother when I was 23, my twin sister and her two sons when I was 29, my son at age 32, my mother when I was was 45. All very painful with enduring loss, but nothing can compare to the forever journey and lasting grief of losing my son. It's been 17 years since my Kelly died and I am still trying to figure it out.

With this article I wanted to acknowledge to the world that being a bereaved parent is not fitting into the stages of grief but for them to know -for us it is a forever journey of discovering our new normal and it is different from any other loss;we are scarred for life. I have felt joy again in my heart, but it will never be the intensity that it was. My writing for 17 years has been and still is manifestations of processing my forever loss and sharing my experiences in learning to accept the unacceptable. This recent posting is just that, there is no scientific validity to it, just the rambings from my broken heart to yours.

Thanks again

Mitch

[elizabethg1]

Hi all,

I haven't been around much lately but just thought I'd pop by really quickly to tell you that, I am VERY upset. Apparently Google indexes all the posts in this forum, undoubtedly ALL the grief forums here.

Some people who hated my son continue to search for information on me. One of the things I loved about this forum is that it felt like a SAFE place to vent to people who understand what I am going through. Google has made it impossible for me to post here anymore. I just did a google search on my nickname "elizabethg1" and it came back with every single post I ever made here. That means that all someone needs is your user name and google and they can find everything you ever wrote in here.

I am going to write to beyondindigo and urge them to find a way to stop google from indexing these pages. I hope you will all join me. This is just wrong. This needs to be a safe place for us!

[BIJulie]

Elizabeth,

I am sorry about what has happened to you. I will check on what you mentioned and see what we can do about it.

Take Care,

Julie

[elizabethg1]

Thank you so much Julie.

[briansdad]

This pretty much sums up my life after 6 months

My son was born

One fine spring day

I remember it

Like it was yesterday

I put up signs

Announcing the day

Little did I know

In 24 years he’d have to go away

The patrolman walked up to me

With the news all parents dread

We regret to inform you

Your son Brian is dead

How can this be

It must be a mistake

It didn’t sink in

Till after the wake

Life should stop

But it never does

It’s almost like

He never was

Late at night

I lay down and cry

Continually asking

Why God why

I’ve listened so hard

But hear no reply

Does he know my pain

Does he see me cry

I miss my son

So very much

I’d give anything

Just to feel his touch

I wake in the morning

I can hardly get out of bed

Another day without him

Is the thing that I dread

I lay down at night

Trying to sleep

Into my mind

Thoughts of my son start to creep

Was he in pain

As his life ebbed away

These are the thoughts

I have everyday

I hurt for his Mom

His brother and sister

His 5 year old daughter

God I’m so happy that morning he got to kiss her

So now I’ve been told

That I must go on

To live my life

Without my son

The sun rises and sets

One time each day

Just like it did

Before he went away

Life should stop

But it never does

It’s almost like

He never was …..

Brian Gregory Klocke

4-19-80

9-30-04

I’ll miss ya B

Love Dad

Written by Greg Klocke 12-04

[daveydow1]

To all-- regarding Stages,

I think some of you expressed it better than I could.

It's not that I think that the Stages theory is off base,

since many people may find it helpful. For me, however,

I am not aware of any changes or completion of any

particular stage. I also feel there is a gaping hole in

my soul, that will always be where my son was, and that

was left there when he died. As Runningramma stated, I

go from day to day. I can't even think further ahead than

that. I'm trying to stay positive. I can now accept that

I will live the rest of my life without my Davey, but there

is nothing that will change. I feel a closeness to all who

come to this site, and I wish all of you Peace.

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

What a wonderful poem. You can tell it came from the heart.

Each of us knows your feelings. I wish I could write a poem

expressing my feelings, but I have never been talented in

that area. Thank you for sharing your poem. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Elizabethg1,

It is upsetting to hear about Google putting our posts

out there for anyone to read. I hope & pray that something

can be done to stop this unethical practice. It violates

our feeling of privacy, and makes us feel that this is not

a safe place to express our sorrow. Thanks for sharing.

Peace be with you.

[elizabethg1]

(I just realized that this post was wrong, so it's been edited. I would've expected more compassion here!)

Here is the reply I received from BEYONDINDIGO:

"I will have a note put up on the message boards but Beyond Indigo is a public website. This means everything is public. This is true for all websites where you don't have to put in a username and password on the very front page to access the content. We have people use usernames for privacy reasons. People have to know your username to find you on this website or elsewhere. If you give out your username people can find you that way. If you haven't than people will not know what to google to find you. Does this make sense?"

Julie, can the message boards here be changed so that you have to put in a username to access the content?

Does anyone else know of any other grief forums that ARE private? I hate the thought of not posting here anymore, but I am going to have to find another place that is private.

[starlight1]

Briansdad....my 19 year old son, David, passed to spirit (that's how I know refer to death...I just don't believe in died now)Easter Sunday (April 11) of 2004. David's 21st birthday is coming up on April 15. To remember this forever special day, we are gathering with many of his close friends at the cemetary and will release white balloons with Forget-me-not seeds inside (hopefully when the balloon eventually lands and pops, the seeds will scatter and there will be flowers taking root in his memory). Each loved one gets a balloon and a marker and will write a note to David...then we'll release them at the same time. As others have mentioned, it's a personal decision. Do whatver feels right for you be it a celebration or nothing at all. Whatever you can handle or will help you deal with the day.

I'm so sorry for your loss but do think Brian is around you and loves you as you\'re forever his dad, he's forever your son. I completely believe that we will be with our kids again someday. That's the only thing that keeps me going.

-Sandy

Forever momma of David

[starlight1]

I saw the following quote on a memorial website for a lovely young woman named Sarah Elizabeth. It says so much about how many of us bereaved parents and siblings feel...I'm going to add it to my son David's memorial website. Hopefully it will get the message across to a few more people who do not understand...

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of her name! It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul! - Unknown

[daveydow1]

Starlight1,

Thanks for posting the verse. I had read that verse

shortly after my son, David, died. Since my mom seemed

to strictly avoid mentioning David's passing, or even

his name, I felt that she may wait for some sign from

me, as to whether I was ready to talk about it or not. So,

I sent her a card and included that verse. It was no use.

It will be 2 yrs. in June since Davey died, and she has

not even spoken his name---just as though he never even

existed. She is old, and I guess she sticks to the idea

of putting it out of her mind as her way of dealing with

it. This is hurtful to me, but I have never discussed it

with her because I know that her reaction would be defensive

and unpleasant. I know how she is. I thought I could express

myself better with sending her the verse, but no such luck.

Sorry to vent on this. I'm so sorry that Apr.15 is coming up

soon, and it will be a difficult day for you, because it is

your David's birthday. Peace be with you.

[kagansmommy]

Starlight1,

That verse is so true. My son was only 18 month's old when I lost him 2 month's ago. I hope no one minds me posting here. When I read that verse it was wonderful. There is not a day goes by that Kagan's name isn't metioned in my house. I talk about him to everyone I come in contact with. I am the one who brings up his name but after I do everyone always has a ton of question's. It's like they are afraid to talk about him because they don't know how it will affect me which is understandable. It makes me feel better to talk about him as much as I can. That helps with my healing.

Daveydow1,

I am so sorry your Mother feel's not talking about David is best. My oldest son's name is also David and I got a pain in my heart when I read your post. A lot of people seem to have that "out of sight...out of mind" belief. Older folk's tend to be very set in their way's and will never change no matter how much you would like them to. It's good that you come here to vent. We all need to once in a while. Unfortunately the one thing we all have in common here is the pain from losing a child. But we understand each other and venting is a good thing.

God Bless everyone who passes through here~!!

Christy (kagansmommy) "I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

[radeciric]

Dear friend,

I lost my only child ,my son Rade almost eight years ago.

My beatiful son Rade was my light, my hope ,my tomorow.

He had a big heart and strong will.He loved and cared for us very much.

I lived for him.

Now when Rade is gone I don\'t know who I am and what I am doing in this world.

My sorrow is imensly and my cry must to get to God.

I pray and remember every day of my never forgetible son Rade.

Dear friends you understand.You are on my road.

Love you all. God Bless you.

Donna Ciric Radesmom from Serbia.

[BIJulie]

Rade,

I am so sorry for your loss. There are so many wonderful people here that I know would love to be there for you. I hope you will continue to visit and share.

Take care,

Julie

[BIJulie]

Julie, can the message boards here be changed so that you have to put in a username to access the content?

I completley and totally understand where you are coming from, but I also understand the other side. Many that are grieving aren't willing or have the energy to register. Your posts help them so much. Imagine if they couldn't read them. Very few people are searching the internet looking for grief support groups to hurt people.

I am sorry about your situation Elizabeth. It is quite unfortunate that there are human beings that wish to cause you more pain. That saddens and angers me greatly.

Let me know if I can help more.

Most Sincerely,

Julie

[adonia]

I am so happy to have found this particular website. It is hardest at night when I remember that I would hear my son, 26, next door talking with his brother, that's when I visit here most. He died in December and one day I will share his story.

My heart goes out to everyone, but thanks for all the stories that are shared and Kirksdad, yours is very inspirational.

Bless you all!

[daveydow1]

Radeciric,

So very sorry to hear of your son's passing. I feel this is

especially difficult since he was your only child. Please

come back & post or just read the posts. We all know your

sorrow, as we all walk this unhappy road. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Adonia,

So sad to hear of your son's passing in December. That is

such a short time ago, and my heart goes out to you. I hope

you will come to this site whenever you feel the need. Peace

be with you.

[daveydow1]

kagensmommy,

I feel so sad to hear of your baby's passing. Although I

come to this site for help and comfort since my son, Davey,

age 31,

died from a traffic accident (in 2003), I also had a baby

girl, Lisa,who died many yrs. ago, at the age of 6 mo. So,

I know how losing a baby can crush a parent's soul. I hope

you will come to this site for some kind of comfort. It has

helped me since my son's death. I feel that all who comes to

this site are the parent(s) of an angel in heaven. My baby

girl was not yet baptized when she died of acccidental choking,

my priest assured me that as an innocent, she had gone to

heaven immediately. Peace be with you, and my prayers are

for some solace in your life.

[briansdad]

You know what bothers me so much is the number of people who say that their loved one has sent them a sign to, I guess ,let them know that their OK.I keep praying to get one from Brian but haven't had one yet.It's been 6 months today and I went out to the spot where he died and just sat.It's out in the country so it was kind of peaceful.Also sort of pretty.I also know that there were people with him so if he was still aware before he died he wasn't alone.Man I miss him.He was my fishing ,golfing ,car nut buddy.We were going to start a business together.I was going through his wallet and found a note from a fortune cookie that said You have an important new business development shaping up.He really was excited about it.But I will say he left this world happy because he just got a new job,had date with a new girl that night.He knew his life had taken a turn for the better.Then on the morning he died he came in my bedroom to borrow my gloves to ride his motorcycle to work.Before he left he gave me a kiss on the forhead.I think now what a gift that was our last interaction on this earth was an act of LOVE

I miss ya B

Love Dad

[ashleysmom]

I feel like I am just sinking as April approaches. It's like I have really tried to do this grieving thing and now it is becoming overwhelming. It sure does not get easier. After Ashley's birthday on April 21st is Mother's Day, then graduation, then July 4th will be a year without my baby. Everyday seems to get harder. I want to just crawl into a hole. How do we do this? I have started bringing makeup to work as I cry all the way there and feel like I need to put on a new face when I get there. I cry on my way home. On my days off I am almost paralyzed by grief. My soul just aches. I have become so good at masking my grief that it is hard now to reach out. Does anyone else feel this way or have you felt this way and what do you do about it? Thanks, Dottie

[encouraged]

Dear friend,

I lost my only child ,my son Rade almost eight years ago.

My beatiful son Rade was my light, my hope ,my tomorow.

He had a big heart and strong will.He loved and cared for us very much.

I lived for him.

Now when Rade is gone I don\\\'t know who I am and what I am doing in this world.

My sorrow is imensly and my cry must to get to God.

I pray and remember every day of my never forgetible son Rade.

Dear friends you understand.You are on my road.

Love you all. God Bless you.

Donna Ciric Radesmom from Serbia.

Donna,

Thank you for sharing your story. You are right. Those of us who have lost a child are all on this road together. You are also right in that our "cry must get to God." Frequently, our cry needs to be heard by others in order for them to intercede for us. Please continue to write. It helps -- at least it helps me to express my sorrow to those who understand.

Take care,

A new friend from Texas

[encouraged]

You know what bothers me so much is the number of people who say that their loved one has sent them a sign to, I guess ,let them know that their OK.I keep praying to get one from Brian but haven\'t had one yet.It\'s been 6 months today and I went out to the spot where he died and just sat.It\'s out in the country so it was kind of peaceful.Also sort of pretty.I also know that there were people with him so if he was still aware before he died he wasn\'t alone.Man I miss him.He was my fishing ,golfing ,car nut buddy.We were going to start a business together.I was going through his wallet and found a note from a fortune cookie that said You have an important new business development shaping up.He really was excited about it.But I will say he left this world happy because he just got a new job,had date with a new girl that night.He knew his life had taken a turn for the better.Then on the morning he died he came in my bedroom to borrow my gloves to ride his motorcycle to work.Before he left he gave me a kiss on the forhead.I think now what a gift that was our last interaction on this earth was an act of LOVE

I miss ya B

Love Dad

Brian's Dad,

Thank you for sharing Brian's last gift to you - "Before he left he gave me a kiss on the forehead." During our last time to talk to our son, he tried to give us something to take from his ICU room. He was a very giving person. Our son trying to give us something is one of the best signs I could receive.

The loss of your Brian saddens my heart, too. None of us want our children to be where we cannot communicate with them. One thing I choose to do is to relive the happy moments and try to minimize the sad ones. It's not easy and I'm not always successful.

We are approaching the DOD. It will be like any other day -- my sorrow is always the same. But, slowly I am encouraged by reminders of the few good years he had here on earth.

Take care,

A friend from Texas

[encouraged]

I feel like I am just sinking as April approaches. It\'s like I have really tried to do this grieving thing and now it is becoming overwhelming. It sure does not get easier. After Ashley\'s birthday on April 21st is Mother\'s Day, then graduation, then July 4th will be a year without my baby. Everyday seems to get harder. I want to just crawl into a hole. How do we do this? I have started bringing makeup to work as I cry all the way there and feel like I need to put on a new face when I get there. I cry on my way home. On my days off I am almost paralyzed by grief. My soul just aches. I have become so good at masking my grief that it is hard now to reach out. Does anyone else feel this way or have you felt this way and what do you do about it? Thanks, Dottie

Dottie,

Yes, Dottie, others probably feel the way you do about masking grief. I know I do. It is difficult to reach out to others. I continue to try to do it. Not everyone responds. But I need to acknowledge the ones who do respond.

I wish you could come sit in our garden. That is one of the few places I feel real peace about the loss of our son. Slowly, I move from the garden out into the world. Of course, I wear my mask. Those who really care allow me to remove the mask. Those are the friendships I need to develop.

Take care,

Your Texas friend

[encouraged]

I am so happy to have found this particular website. It is hardest at night when I remember that I would hear my son, 26, next door talking with his brother, that's when I visit here most. He died in December and one day I will share his story.

My heart goes out to everyone, but thanks for all the stories that are shared and Kirksdad, yours is very inspirational.

Bless you all!

Adonia,

Thank you for writing. Please, when you are able, continue to share your son's story. I understand about hearing your son talking to his brother. This is one thing I miss, too.

Take care,

A new friend from Texas

[kathy714]

this is the second time logging on to this wed site ,1st was right after on son died .jan31st on his 21st birthday.it has really comfort me reading some of these messages and i was really able to relate to the poem ,it touched me so,i began to cry, which i seem to do a lot of lately anyway. thank you all for sharing it is very helpful to me

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

It has been nearly 2 yrs. since my son, Davey's, death. I

also waited quite awhile before getting some sign from him

that he was ok. I think that it must have been between 6-8

mo. when I had a dream. I have since had quite a few dreams where

he appears. He doesn't speak to me, but when I see him, he

is always happy and looks so nice. I do hope that you will

get a sign from Brian sometime. Peace be with you.

p.s. Thank you for the beautiful picture with verse.

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

so many new names and to you I am so sorry that life has dealt you this type of sadness, but i do feel blessed to have found a place like this to help me get through this immensly painful journey. If i in turn help others newer to this than I, well then i have put my Erica's spirit to work, i am living inher light. Seems Sandy, that our babies are only 11 days apart. My girl, Eri, was born on 4-4-84. I love her numbers, except the other side, i so wish they measured an old age. She would have turned 21 next Monday. WE will gather on Sunday as we did last year, at my house with her friends, my son and his buddies, some of my family, and my friends. We will toast our girl. We do the balloons in July, her angel time. WE sent up baloons last july with messages attatched, 19 balloons to signify her forever age. so many messages made it hard for the balloons to rise but they did and the sun shone through them in such a way that a collective sigh went over the yard, over 100 people there watching. Sunday will be quieter than our July gathering, but so important to me to acknowledge the day with her favorite people. I love the idea of seeds in the balloons, may i copy that in July? It is so difficult isn't it all? And yet I just wouldn't trade one moment of life with Eri in order to not feel this pain. This hurt is evidence really, of all the love.

To all the parents who experience people not saying their child's name, i told Erica's dad that he will have to guide people, for the most part people simply do not know waht to say. I love the verse about music to my heart. Erica is the sweetest music to mine.

in love and peace,

dee

[missingchris]

I see new people on here ,it seems , every time I log on. I am so sorry for all who have had to join these ranks. But I will say, without this site, i think I'd have slowly lost my mind. I've never been good at comforting others, I mostly read the posts. But the comfort I have received here has been immeasurable. I'm coming up to summer, my birthday is Sunday, Chris's birthday is May 30th, then Dakota's is June 3rd. I miss my Chris so much it's beyond describing. I have such a fear of the days ahead. Our families have pulled away , not too far away, but to the point of not talking about Chris anymore. I don't know what to do for his birthday, am afraid if I put something together, that no one will come. And that will devastate me. I am at a loss as to how to celebrate Dakota's birthday too. The boys always shared a party, Chris insisted. I wish you could hibernate through the first year, it would be the kind thing for parents. Although, no matter when you wake up, it's still there to deal with. Kirks' Dad, Wanda, and so many others, you don't know how many people you touch when you share your stories. Thank you. You give parents like us, ones who haven't gotten past the first few years, some hope that maybe we'll get there, and somewhat still intact.

[jscmom]

Hey any one who will listen. Have not been here for most of this month. I have caught up on all the latest posts, SORRY, we had to meet this way. This last day of March these last weeks have been extremly a roller coaster ride for me. Johnny's day of bith was on the 22nd. Thank God for friends as family at least mine was not there for me. John's headstone arrived on the 21st in the late afternoon, once I received the call I darted out the door not knowing what to expect. The 15 minute dive seemed as if i was back in time the day of his funeral. Once arriving at graveside and seeing my son's handsome face and his beautiful smile all I could do was drop to my knees and cry. It felt like I just buried him again. His headstone is beautiful just as I wanted but really did not want. It took me months to pick one out I needed his marker unique and it really is.

On the 22nd 3 friends joined me there. We had 22 ballons for him to send to heaven and one that read "I love you Johnny" as we let each ballon go we shared stories of John, which made all of us laugh remembering John.

On the 24th we had to fly out to Nebraska for his girlfriend's sentencing Friday the 25th, as we waited for her attorney and court to begin I just kept praying that the judge would not put her in jail. God heard all of our prayers the judge said to Shannon if the victims parents were not here you would be in jail today. He gave her 2 years of probation.. a very strict probation if she violates the terms (and there are many) of her probation she will end up in a penitenary.

After that was done we went to see where my John lived his life 2 weeks before the accident. As we were driving to Shannon's I began to feel sick, but I kept telling myself John would have wanted us to see where he was happy, were he began his new life. So with deep breaths we drove to their home the home of Shannon's parents.

As we pulled up I saw why he was so happy I felt why he was so happy don't really know how to explain it this it was something I felt.

I saw his new home, were he was happy and where his new life begun. For the first time since his death I felt a little peace. John left California moved to Iowa and left his heart there.

I have been dreading this trip for almost 6 months and yet it turned out to be a trip that I will never forget. I needed this I did not know it.

Crying doesn't stop, longing to see him again hasn't stopped. Missing him more as each day comes still hurts...but I now know he was OK and he was happy. It doesn't make it easier I don't think anything ever will. I feel all of us live on a rollercoaster and that will last as long as we do on this earth.

I know this was a long post thanks for letting me share.

Loving and missing Johnny forever 22

Jscmom

[encouraged]

jcsmom,

Thank you for sharing your story. You encourage me. And, I'm almost sure your story will encourage others, too. Your spirit of forgiveness and happiness is incredible. God bless you.

Take care,

A Texas friend

[rhonda68]

Hello My name is Rhonda. I have lost my 19 year old son in a trajic car accident on February 23,2005. I am having such a hard time I don't know how to get over this overwhelming greif that I feel. I am so sad and lonely he was such a happy guy always having a hug and kiss for me and telling me he loves me. I hurt so bad I don't know what to do. I never want to go out of my house again I am having a hard time getting back to work. Can someone please help me! Feeling very trapped in my own body!

[penezze]

It has been some time since I have been here. We lost our beloved son Joshua Joseph Tabb on May 18th 2003 at 145 am on a Sunday morning. He was 22. Since that time our lives have been changed forever. It was car accident. He was was taken instantly. It was raining very hard and he slid off the road, hit a fire hydrant and the car was air born and flipped 6 times then landed up on a telephone pole. He broke his seat belt and ended up in the back seat with the left side of his skull craked open. He was talking to me on his nextel then nothing. So they tell he died instantly. But they couldn't get to him for about a half hour due to the power lines that were laying on his car. When it first happened this site was what got me through each day. I have a daughter 22 and son 28. The pain, tears, what if's, if only, maybe if I, I should have, were and are a part of my daily life. Nothing and I mean nothing could happen to me that would be worse than this. I have not accepted it nor gotten passed it I don't think you get pass something like this.. You just learn each day how to live with it and exist with him not being here. Someone told me once that if I can stop greiving for a time and try and stop the tears for short while he will come to me in a dream. He did come to me in 2 dreams. The first was to tell me what happened and to tell me to stop killing myself with questions. He was so beautiful it's like he had glow about him. The second was to tell me he was ok and we hugged the whole time. They strange part is that we both knew he was dead and we kept referring to him as his spirit. I haven't had any since. The hugs were so real when I woke up my face was wet from crying in my sleep. The aniversary of his death is next month I try and look at it as another day. Cause each day is like the day it happened. I don't take day to day or hour to hour I take minute to minute. I have come a long ways since that day. I have been able to laugh, smile, and enjoy certain things. But there are still things I can't. I have come to the conclusion some things don't or won't change. This is the life I live now and just have to bear with it till it's my time to go. I just try and remember the good times, his laughter, what he loved, and the great person that he was and is. He never met a stranger and would help anybody and never went a day without giving me a big hug and telling me he loved me. I feel I was so blessed to have him as my son. I know he is with me sometimes cause I'll be sitting and all of a sudden I can smell his colonge he used to wear. So I just sit and talk to him as if he were next to me. For 2 years everyday I went by his graveside and talked to him. The pain is still so great it seems it's so fresh and hurts so much. The night before he died he called me up cause he was by his grandmothers house and he was cooking. He wanted to know how to make potatoe salad. But he didn't want granny to know he didn't know how so it was our secret. To this day I can't make that dish. You know you don't see little things like that when they are here. But I have learned never ever to take anything my other 2 kids do for granted. I cherish them and give thanks each day we are still together. One day I will be with my Joshua again but for now I am needed here. My heart goes out to each one of you that have come to this site. We all know what the other is feeling. Well I've taken up enough space for now.

May you find some sort of peace...

Joshua J Tabb

November 15th 1980

May 18th 2003

Mom loves you

[penezze]

Rhonda I am so very sorry for your loss. Your pain is very fresh. The only thing I can tell you is keep coming here. We have been where you are and still going through it. ou are not alone with your pain. It's been 2 years and I still get sick to my stomach when I think of the accident. As for as me telling you something to help with the pain there is nothing I can come p with cause nothing helped me. This site was the only thing that helped. For each I came and let out my sorrow in writing and people here felt my heartache. Just write what you are feeling it helps to get out.Your so very fresh with your pain. It won't get easier but you will learn how to live with it. The tears for me never end. There is not a day that goes by I don't cry. But that's ok.

We are all here for you....

Pam

[briansdad]

Hello My name is Rhonda. I have lost my 19 year old son in a trajic car accident on February 23,2005. I am having such a hard time I don't know how to get over this overwhelming greif that I feel. I am so sad and lonely he was such a happy guy always having a hug and kiss for me and telling me he loves me. I hurt so bad I don't know what to do. I never want to go out of my house again I am having a hard time getting back to work. Can someone please help me! Feeling very trapped in my own body!

Rhonda,

What your feeling is natural it's been 6 months for me and it's still hard.But I'm still here.When it first happened you have no idea how many times I wished that I could die just to be with him again.But your not crazy, it happens.It does get to where you can function.Then you might smile one or twice.It will happen.Hopefully you have a few friends who will let you talk about your son because thats what you need to do.Then you might see if you can find a group like the Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents USA in you area.Listen, the way you feel is normal so don't let it frighten you.What you are describing is exactly the way I felt.It will get better, never good but better.I compare losing my son like someone who lost an arm or leg.They'll never be the same and they just learn how to live without the missing part.That what we have to do.Do we want to,,,,NO but we have to for those who love us that are still here.I'll pray for you to find some peace tonight.Remember all of us here care.

God Bless You

Briansdad

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Rhonda68,

I'm so sorry for your loss, its been 28 months since my daughter CarrieAnn died from a drug overdose, and 20 months since my son Matthew died from a bi-saddle-emboli. blod clot to his heart. I cant speak for all here, but it hasnt gotten any better for me, each day starts and ends without my two children, each day seems to be an aniversary of some kind or another. My sons birthday is April 26th, and Carrie is July 3rd. I orderd their stone two weeks ago, and it all started again, why am I doing this, its not right, I shouldnt be picking out their stone, it should be the other way around.

Try and keep the happy times you shared in front of all the other things that happen.

Carrie and Matthews dad

Stu

[daveydow1]

Dear Rhonda68,

I am so sorry to hear of your dear son's death. This site

is a place I have been coming to since my son (age 31 & single)

died June 14, 2003. The very early months are exceptionally

difficult and filled with heartache, as you stated. I do so

wish that I could say something to help. I debated about whether

to look for a support site such as this one. I felt there was

nothing anyone could say that would alleviate the crushing pain.

But, I somehow found my way to this site, and just reading the

posts gave me some comfort. I didn't feel so very alone. People

just writing their honest feelings is something I could not

find when talking to friends & family. I keep trying to think of

my son as not dead, but living his eternal life. It's not odd

or anything to think of our children almost all the time. Other

people may think we are obsessed or dwelling on the past. I feel

that unless they have been on this sad sad road that we are on,

then their opinion is unimportant. I pray for you in these gray

early days of grief. Please come back & post, or read the posts.

Everyone here knows your heartache. Peace be with you.

[jscmom]

Dearest Rhonda, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I have been here for around 5 months. I can understand what you feel as we all do who enter here. It is a sad way to meet but a great place to vent knowing everyone knows how we feel and know we are not going crazy. I found this site so helpful by writing, reading and venting.

My son John died, 10/10/04 after two weeks in a coma resulting from a car accident. We ended up having had to remove his life support.

I was unable to eat or sleep for months. If I slept the dreams of the accident, when I ate it would not stay down.

Work I had to do and still do as I am self employed no one to take my place.

I would not be working at all if I had a regular job. I would be in bed, not leave my home except to go be with John.

Life is lonely without him, as each day pasess I think one day closer to being with my son again. I miss him more everyday knowing he isn't coming back. We are not supposed to go before our children!!!!!

No one can tell you what to do nor how to feel and know this it doesnt' get easier, I think we just learn how to live a life of saddness, putting on that mask as needed.

Our lives has forever changed to me for the worse. It is so hard to find happiness in this new life because we aren't happy nor will we ever be.

The true reality of lossing our children is hell on earth. I gave up trying to make people think I am OK because I am not, no more pretending to spare their feelings. Sounds selfish I know but I really think we have that right.

Good days what is that a day without crying or possibly not as much crying. Our hearts are broken beyond repair we just learn how to live what life we have left.

My daughter and my grandaughters have been my focus these last couple of months and it has helped some and that I am thankful for...

Again my heart goes out to you and all who enter here!!

Loving and missing John forever 22

[rhonda68]

Thank you all for your replys. I will come to this site often as I feel I am from mars now and no one understands. And I am sorry for all your losses too. I so wish I would have died instead. Its just like I am dead but I am still living it is so hard which I know you all understand. My heart just feels busted and I feel as though i am going crazy.

Richard Bennett

October 9,1985 - February 23,2005

Love You Son

[Mazey2]

Well, tomorrow will be the 3 year mark since my son Chad died. Losing a child has to be the worse pain of any on this Earth. And, everyday he is missed and the ache for him is ALWAYS there! The letter that was posted by Griffin's Mom really is how I think Chad would want me to believe and BEHAVE!!

I have to comment once again, I only visit here every so often now, use to be at least once a day cuz it helped so much. BUT< every time I come and review the stories of new losses the main thing that is so common is that most of our young adults were SO very loving, thoughtful, affectionate, good spirits, cute senses of humor, and very often a wisdom that is unusual......

Sharing, Linda

[roxannelp811]

It has been six weeks since my step-son died. With the travel to NC to be with his wife and daughter, then the memorial service, my husband going back to NC to help for a week and a couple of other previous commitments my husband has been gone all except four days since Jimmy died. Only two people at my work even mentioned Jimmy's death and not even a card. I have worked at this place for 10 years and have always made sure that important days were remembered. When a couple of the guys were out for extended time due to illness I made sure to get a thinking of you card every few weeks to have every one sign and send. The support that I have gotten from my family has been horrible. My sister who lives 1/2 hour from where we had the service did not even come, no card and she has not even called to see how I am doing.

Get so angry about the unfairness of the whole thing. Not sure I have enough strength to support my husband who is also dealing with depression.

Thank goodness for a couple of close friends from church that have been wonderful. I have such a hard time asking for help and taking care of myself. As I walked the dog today I feel so empty. I want to curl up and cry, scream and not deal with life.

I hope that when my husband gets home we can start dealing with Jimmy's death together. I know I should call my step daughter but again just do not have the strength. In June will be Father's Day and Jimmy's wedding aniversery. In Oct will be his birthday which our youngest son also shares. Our youngest son is 21 and other then the night that we drove back home from the service has not said anything about Jimmy's death.

I am thinking about going to a Compassionate Friends meeting. Has anyone attended their meetings? Another suggestion was to write every day in a journal. Again not sure where I will find the energy.

Thanks for listening.

[encouraged]

It has been six weeks since my step-son died. With the travel to NC to be with his wife and daughter, then the memorial service, my husband going back to NC to help for a week and a couple of other previous commitments my husband has been gone all except four days since Jimmy died. Only two people at my work even mentioned Jimmy's death and not even a card. I have worked at this place for 10 years and have always made sure that important days were remembered. When a couple of the guys were out for extended time due to illness I made sure to get a thinking of you card every few weeks to have every one sign and send. The support that I have gotten from my family has been horrible. My sister who lives 1/2 hour from where we had the service did not even come, no card and she has not even called to see how I am doing.

Get so angry about the unfairness of the whole thing. Not sure I have enough strength to support my husband who is also dealing with depression.

Thank goodness for a couple of close friends from church that have been wonderful. I have such a hard time asking for help and taking care of myself. As I walked the dog today I feel so empty. I want to curl up and cry, scream and not deal with life.

I hope that when my husband gets home we can start dealing with Jimmy's death together. I know I should call my step daughter but again just do not have the strength. In June will be Father's Day and Jimmy's wedding aniversery. In Oct will be his birthday which our youngest son also shares. Our youngest son is 21 and other then the night that we drove back home from the service has not said anything about Jimmy's death.

I am thinking about going to a Compassionate Friends meeting. Has anyone attended their meetings? Another suggestion was to write every day in a journal. Again not sure where I will find the energy.

Thanks for listening.

Roxanne,

You're doing the right thing by writing. Thank you for sharing. I understand much of what you are saying because I have experienced some of the same diasppointments.

First of all, I am so sorry about the death of your step-son. I pray that your husband will soon be home and you will be able to grieve together. I am so sorry that your co-workers do not know how to help you. Also, the disappointment from your family saddens me, too.

You are fortunate for your friends at church. Let them be for you what you wish your family and co-workers would be. I pray that there will be someone who can contact your step-daughter for you. Do what you can, but try to take care of yourself, too.

I understand about the birthdays. Our sons were born the same month, several years apart. Tomorrow will be two years since our son died. Every day is the same. The anniversaries and holidays are all the same -- sad. However, God has given me ways to get through every day. It's not always easy, but I'm still able to fulfill my basic duties at home and with my family. Church and social obligations have had to fall by the way-side. I still go to church and social functions, but I am the one who decides where I need to go and what I need to do.

Reading, writing, and running are three activities that have helped me. I hope you will be able to write more about your feelings. That probably helped me as much as anything. I don't always share everything I write, but it helps to clarify my mind for the times when I need to speak or write.

Others on this site care about your situation, too. Please write again. And tell us about Jimmy whenever you want to share. I care.

A friend from Texas

[elizabethg1]

Hi all,

I am sorry that I won\'t be able to post here any more because of my privacy concerns. I started a yahoo group for parents who have lost a teen or adult child. The posts will be private and will not be indexed by google. If you would like to join, please visit:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/grief-parents

take care,

Beth

[jscmom]

Roxanne:

I know to well what a sister can do as I have two of them the older one walked out of my life the day I buried my son once she left our home that was 10/21/04, and took her family with her.

The other sister my is left in the middle, doesn't know what to do and as each day passes I see that she too will slowly bow out. I don't think she will do it all the way but it is hard for her to be in the middle.