Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

ANNI...WOW IM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER..IT FRIKIN SUCKS..THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT, OUR LIVES HAVE CHANGED..AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...WE JUST LIVE OR TRY TO LIVE DIFF NOW...

IM LIKE YOU IM LIKE A SINKING SHIP AND RIGHT NOW I CAN ONLY SAVE MYSELF..(OR TRY)..

I DONT HAVE ANY ANSWERS FOR YOU, JUST TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND BREATHE..BUT IM GLAD YOU FOUND THIS WEBSITE SO FAST I WONDERED AROUND FOR A FEW MONTHS,,STILL DO...BUT THIS DOES HELP

I LOST MY SWEET DAUGHTER JUNE 17TH 2008 22 YRS OLD JUST GOT MARRIED KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL DIED FROM A FN BRAIN TUMOR...AND YES CANCER CAN KISS MY ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[mysonrich]

Hi Anni, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter Nicole. You have come to the right place and will find many here on BI that share wisdom that may be able to bring comfort to you in time. My son Rich died suddenly on January 18,2009 due to cardiac dysrhythmia.  He was 20 years young. He went to sleep one night and never returned to this earthly plane again. I didn't see Rich " in person " before his cremation. I was " allowed" to view him on a monitor. I didn't see my boy anymore thoughhe looked asleep, but it wasn't him. He was gone.I remember looking at his hair. I felt connected to his hair.

 

I think people say stupid things partly because they don't know what else to say. You don't have to be strong now. We are allowed to crumble, fall to our knees and scream if that is where the death of our children takes us. Take care of your health. maybe there is someone else in the family or a friend that can help your mother at this time. That in itself takes strength . You have no reserves , ask for help if you possibly can.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mikesmomrs]

Anni:  I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious child, Nikki.  You are right, there are no words, actions, thoughts or feelings that will help you right now...you are in such a raw, heart-piercing state right now, so soon after a piece of your heart has left your life forever.  I lost my only son, Mike, at 31, in Oct of '06, to brain cancer.  He left behind three beautiful boys, now almost 14, 13 and just turned 5.  Having other children and grandchildren is a blessing for sure, but it is so difficult to open ourselves to their needs right now...you are on automatic function...breathing without even realizing it.  Please come here and vent, pour your heart out, it truly does help...we have all done it and still do...eventually you will share other things...if you've read over some of the posts here, you will see that we are supportive, understanding and caring of each other here, and you are as welcome into this fold as if you had been here since the beginning.  I am so very sorry that you even have a reason to be here, but I am so glad that your sweet angel Nikki directed you here, for comfort and company, understanding your pain, reaching out.  I am truly sorry about the problems you endure with your health and your mom---I pray things will work out for you and you will find a way to communicate to her how you feel.  I can't offer advice on that, as sadly, my mom has been gone from our lives now since '84.  She knew Mike, though, and loved him to pieces....I wish she had been here to see him grow up, but am glad that she wasn't here to see him leave us. 

love and peace to you,

Carol  mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

YA NO EVERYONCE IN A WHILE WE NEED A DRINK AND I WANTED TO SHARE  A NEW FIND MY NEPHEW FOUND...CALLED FIREFLY VODKA...TASTE LIKE GREAT OKLAHOMA SWEET TEA...I BUYING SOME TOM....SUPER EXCEITED...ALSO...GETTN MY PORTRAIT TATTOO OF KOURTNEY TOM.WILL POST PICS AS SOON AS I QUIT CRYING....

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Hello Anni, welcome, but sad you have to be here.  My beautiful boy, Brian died at 16 years on 6-19-2008 due to a completely preventible car crash.

We have no children from him, so sad for me.

I love the friends here.  They know how it is to have to start a new life, after the death of a child.

Read, post, do what you need to.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Oh my goodness Ann, I am so sad to see your beautiful Daughter and her Child here on the avatar. Your losing Nikki so recently is like living in a nightmare, and no rules apply. When folks tell you to be strong, you can put your hand up and quiet them and tell them as steadily as you are able, to please not tell you how to be in this most soul-crushing time, just do not do it. If you feel you must tell me how to be then you should not be near me because it simply is not okay. Use phrases with Mom as well that start with, It is not okay for you to tell me what I need to do. Nobody gets to do that unless I ask your opinion. When she tries to tell you that she is doing it for your own good, tell her kindly, IT IS NOT OKAY FOR YOU TO DETERMINE WHAT IS FOR MY OWN GOOD, thanks though. You can say that you know she understands grief because Dad died, but this is very different and nobody gets to be the expert here. I agree with the others here,my fellow grievers who have become family to me, that people think that they are being helpful, or kind with their words, and have no idea that if one more human says it is for the best, you may just whack them in the head with a large object. We need to allow ourselves the time and space it takes to find our footing, and if that means months or years, then that is what it means. Most of us found that we lost some friends along the way, but most of us agree that those friends were sucking the remaining light from our hearts...so it was okay to let them go. If folks cannot handle your grief, that will have to be their problem, not yours, you have a full time job right now, and that is trying to find out how to live when thrust so recently into this new world. Tell us more of Nikki when you can, it is here that you can speak of her all day and all night and we will listen and hold your broken heart in ours. We will be here, no worries about telling us over and again what is going through your heart.

Here are some old woman words of advice;drink a lot of water, our grief causes us to cry and sweat adn not sleep adn we become dehydrated rather easily. So that is one thing you should do to take care of you. Also, take a vitamin every day to help boost your immune system, we get depleted and need extra C and protein and D to help us through the hard times. WE are also of the age, most of us, to need supplements to be healthy. And try to eat some protein in each meal or small meal. THis will help keep your body able to withstand the onslaught of emotions too. So you might wonder why bother if your Child can leave you without a notice? Because she wants you to live and be your best, knowing that your best isn't now, but one day you may see how hard you have worked to live in this place that holds so much ache. You will be different, we all are, but one day you will recognize that woman in the mirror, the woman who is forever Nikki's Momma.

I lost Eri (19) in 2003 when her car was hit by a speeding Amtrak at a broken crossing. I found this place but not until 7 months had passed and I came here and found so much solace.  I went to therapy after Eri died, at around the 6 month mark and stayed for 2 years. I went back at the 5 year mark as I was suffering from PTSD. So I left here to protect my heart and returned when I learned more about how to deal with PTSD. I returned because I feel that being here allows me to give a hand up to those who find themselves wandering without a guide, as I once was. You will meet many and some who are only a few months ahead of you here and  those fairly new to this place also  find that they are able to help lift the next person here. It is a very healing piece of being here, helping the next person. I also came back because this group of folks and each that join are like family, we all get it, we all know how hard it is, but how worthwhile it is to fight back to live in the light left to us by our Child.

I really believe that you will need to speak to your Mom or have someone else do it on your behalf, you cannot take care of her right now. As far as signs from Nikki, they will come, we are given them when we are ready. Hang on Sweetie.

dee

[shorty16]

Anni

I lost my Mother to breast cancer (2-7-2008) 4 months before Brian was killed.  My Mom was my best friend. 

Then my 16 year old son, my sense of humor died on that day also.  2008 sucked for me.

Take care of YOU now.  Dee is wise and speaks the truth.  I have listened to her and my life is better because of it.

You are not alone in this.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

I bought a small bottle of bubbles and the bubble stick was not in the bottle.

Quality Control issue - How do you blow bubbles without a bubble stick?

HELP

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's,

Lorrie - beautiful garden...it is so great to work in the dirt and make something so beautiful....good for the soul. Keep the pics coming as you go.  Drink sounds super good to me so have an extra one...

Greg - safe at home base !! gotta love it...Brian's girl 

Sonya, thank you. Bj is not doing so well but that is a good thing....I can say this as a mom who is doing tough love...he has been on the streets for a bit now, was in a shelter for a while but they have closed down as the weather is warmer (WHAT ??) so he has found a place to stay off and on. He is learning a very hard lesson along with me, this tough love is really hard on the heart, mind and spirit of this mom. I talked to him today and he is leaving to go back to Iowa tomorrow, he got a ticket from the Salvation Army, said he has been clean since leaving the rehab and is now thinking with a clear mind, he is sorry for all that he has done and never wants to hurt me again....he never thought I would do this to him, he could not imagine that I would do nothing as he walked the streets, hungry and scared (tears falling silently as I listened)....he then said he will be staying with a nice girl he knew before and the first thing he is going to do is find a job and work on getting his life together, prove to himself and me that he is a good man. So, it has been a very diffacult road but I am not sorry I have done the tough love....now I pray as always...maybe this is the time that the prayers are answered.  Thank you for asking...I need to talk about it to you all sometimes.

Dearest Anni - I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Nicole but I am very happy that you have been guided here, the place where you will find the freedom to be, say, do what you want, "no stupid people here who say stupid things".....I lost my daughter Jessica at the age of 26 on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD, sudden death, she left behind a 4 year old son Tavian whom my husband and I have custody of, he is now 8 and doing well.    You are so new to this journey that there is no way you can possibly be strong let alone function and understand the WHY, WHY your child was taken. You are still in the stage of shock, anger, saddness, my goodness you don't even really know what you feel at this stage.  All here understand each word you have written, we cry with you, we hurt for you as we have been where you are.....on this site you will find those who have been here for quite some time and those who are new as you are.....I for one know that this site helped save my life, it gave me the hope, love and strength that I found no where else.  The people who are telling you to "move on", "it is for the best", "she is in a better place" - well, those people have NO IDEA what you are dealing with and that saying of "until you walk in my shoes" is soooooooo very true. I cannot tell you how to deal with your mom as my mom lost my brother 8 years ago so she knows how I feel...but there is someone here who can give you advice.  I do not know Anni if what I am saying is helping you at all but I do know one thing....time will soften the pain but right now you do not want to hear that....you just want you girl back, we know and understand so stay with us, come as often as you can and say whatever you want, we will be here.    I got to see my Jessica and I will tell you there are times I wish I had not as that memory of her in her coffin is not what I want to see in my mind.....I want to see her as she was, my beautiful daughter, wonderful mother, my best friend.  Breathe in and out and take care of yourself as best you can. Please come back.

To all indigo's - sleep well if you can, dream sweet dreams....Kathy

 

[aim630]

Anni-I just lost my 23 yr old daughter Ashley on 2-9-10. She had been hospitalized for about 3 months with pneumonia & complications from H1N1. She was just starting physical therapy & was beginning to get weaned off the respirator when she unexpectedly died from a blood clot.

No one can understand this pain we are going through except others who have been through it themselves. I found this website about 2 wks after Ashley passed away & it has really helped. I don't always post, but most days I read everything. My dad died about 4 yrs ago & my mom said she knew how I felt and didn't understand why I did not want to go on a big family vacation in a few months. I told her losing a child is not the same as losing your husband.

I returned to work after about 2 wks and in some ways it helped and in some ways it made things worse, like how can everyone else's lives go on, when mine feels like it has ended. I couldn't even visit my stepchildren who are about the same age because they have children themselves, and Ashley will never be able to have a child now. It feels so unfair that we have to go through this. I don't want anyone else to be in this position, but why do WE have to go through it? I guess we'll never know. Lots of people said something stupid to me too. I know they were just trying to be helpful, but some of their comments were anything but helpful.

The main thing that has helped me is going to Compassionate Friends, a group of bereaved parents in our area, and coming to this site.

I hope you continue to come back and post when you feel up to it. Your daughter Nikki is very beautiful and we would love to hear more about her.

[ericasmom]

Mary Ann, I am thinking of you and hoping that you are enjoying some warm temperatures and strong sense of YOUR SON.

Good night Everyone, deep sleep, restorative.

[Guest]

Anni - The saddest of welcomes.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Nicole.  When you are able, I hope you will share Nicole and her life with us.  Again, I'm so, so sorry!!!!!

Betty - Are you okay?  Just checking in.....

Kathy - Gary often reminds me that the reason they call it "tough love" is because it's tough on the person giving it.  So true!

The kids and I cuddled in my grieving chair and watched Sesame's Street presentation on grief with Katie Curric tonight.  All three cried for their mommy.  All three related to different areas of the presentation.  When it was over we looked at her memorial site together and quietly listened to Bette Midler sing "The Rose". 

This afternoon we discussed Tina getting out of jail.   We talked about safetyand how we really think Tina will leave us alone because she wants her own kids back and if she even looks in their direction she will go to prison.  But their counselor wanted to make sure they knew she would be out of jail so they could be alert.  We then took turns hitting pillows with a bat.  I set the example by going first.  Yelling my anger for what she did as I beat the pillows, had each of the children requesting to be next "up to bat". 

They practiced the deep, from their stomach, power yells as they took swings at the pillows.  Repeating everything she did to them with each hit. 

Then we took deep breaths, held hands in a circle and asked to be protected by the white light of Christ and that Tina be kept away from us and that she succeed in doing well so she can finally be a good mommy to her two children.  There was no talk of forgiveness.

All in all....it was a very eventful day for the children!

Wishing you love and peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aviemare]

My GOODNESS!  What an outpouring of love and compassion I have received here in this place.  I am amazed that people in so much pain still have the ability to reach out and comfort another soul.  I am humbled and beyond appreciative at all the good advice and caring and I may just stick around yet!

Today James my husband went and brought our daughter home.  Her Urn is a beautiful Cloisonne with purple and pink flowers.  We have it by the front entryway where her new giant picture hangs.  It has an engraved heart with a photo of her and her name and dates on the back.  I feel better now that she is home.

We had some ashes put into some teddy bear "urns" and James and I took them out and looked at them.  Very odd.  Bits of bone still visible.  I just had to see.  It was not a morbid curiosity; rather the closure I needed since I did not see her after she died.

They cut her long dark hair for us and they tried to wash it but they put it in a bag after it was still wet so it has a mildew-like odor.  It's very mild and only I can smell it; Jim can't but I will keep applying essential oils and air it out.  I will post pics of the jewelry I make.  I do horsehair jewelry for people, especially those who's beloved friends have crossed "The Rainbow Bridge" as we horse folk say.  Now I will make them from the hair of my dead child.  It is all so very surreal to me.

Good night to you all.  I think I need a cup of tea and a cat sitting on my head purring in my ear tonight.  Luckily, I have 4 furs to choose from, including 2 new Ragdoll kitties Maggie and Merlin that James gave me for Christmas.

Peace and Happy Trails to you all, my new Friends.

Anni

[4everjoeysmom]

Anni, what can I say that my beautiful BI family hasn't already? I can tell you that you won't find a more loving and compassionate place to spend your grief than right here. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Nicole.

My son Joey died on July 31, 06. His death was very traumatic, and I, along with his dad and brother chose not to view his body. He was no longer in that vessel, and I just could not bear to see how mangled--our compassionate funeral home director did all of those deeds for us and gently handled his cremation as well. I have no regrets about that. I think about it sometimes and wonder. But I have peace and am thankful for images that would haunt me to have passed me by. There will never be closure in this lifetime for me. But not because I didn't see him then...only because I can't see him now...and I miss him so. The grief softens, but the missing remains. I can think of him and smile, and even laugh now. I never believed then that I ever could or would. Love & Hugs!! ~Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[hotsauce]

Dee, thank you

[heartbeataway]

Anni,

Nichole and your grandson are beautiful!

Deep breaths and baby steps ..... take care of yourself.  It's too early to expect anything of yourself.  You've just started this journey.

Give it time ..... grieve out loud ....... breath in and out ........ say her name .....

put one foot in front of the other ......

It's just going to take time. 

Love and strength for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[momgran]

Firsty, I want to say hello to all my old friends at BI, Claudia, Carol, Sherry, Trudi, Dee....you were all there when I so desperately needed you in 2007.  To those who I've never met, my daughter, Pippa (29) and her little boy Kieran (4) were taken in a car accident on October 22, 2006.  My second child, Andrew, died at 7 weeks on October 28, 1975 and I am left, Thank God, with my eldest son, Christopher who is 36.

I rarely visit this wonderful place these days partly because I find it difficult to read the heartbreaking words of the newly bereaved and secondly, I have been trying to 'make it on my own'!

I haven't read back over many posts yet but my heart goes out to the most recent members of this club, the club none of us would ever have joined voluntarily!  But Thank God it is here for us all to share.  As Claudia said, the 'missing' never goes away and I'm realising what I've had to come to terms with is party the fact there will always be a void in my heart and there will always be bad days, but there have also been some very good days, something I would never have believed possible in the early days after losing those precious babes.  I worked feverisly at the time teaching myself HTML and I created a memorial site, from scratch, for them. In retrospect I realise this kept me sane at the time and was my greif ritual as I went through every photo and momento I had of these precious babes.

 

You can visit their site at

http://www.pippaandkieran.com

 

I also created a little memorial movie for my friends at the time at:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

 

 

At the moment I'm excited because my son and daughter in law are at the hospital.  She is being induced and their first child will be born shortly!  They've been married nearly 10 years so this is such a precious gift to them and to us all!  I miss my little Kieran so much and the joy he brought into our lives was unimaginable...so I feel so blessed that I am going to be given the opportunity to experience this joy again!  So very bitter sweet.

Something I realised over the past 3 1/2 years is that life does go on...as much as we want it to stand still after we lose our babes....things still happen.  We've experienced other losses in our family, I lost my job and have  had some very difficult times....but I know that I have to keep going because I've been given the responsiblity to 'Live' for my surviving loved ones and life is a gift we have to treasure.  We never know what is just around the corner and our time will come to join our babes.  The greatest 'sin' I've had to deal with is self pity....I hope that I am learning to conquer that one in my growth and healing...there are so many people in this world who suffer unimaginable tragedy that I am not alone in my loss.I wish you all peace and love as you travel this difficult journey.  You have been given the ultimate test by the universe.  Take gentle care and nurture the memories.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

xxxx

[momgran]

Oh Dear!!! How could I forget to mention Betsy!! My sweet adorable rock...haven't chatted for a while but think of you often.  Love you xxxx:)

[daniellemom]

Anni – Welcome to this wonderful site.  I’m so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter Nicole.  You have received some great advice from some very wise women.   They help so much with just letting you know that you are not going crazy.  When Danielle passed away from a single car accident on Oct 11, 2007, I thought for sure I was crazy, losing my mind but coming here posting, reading, telling my story of Danielle over and over.  The wonderful people listen and responded with words of wisdom.  For now, take it one second at a time then 1 minute at a time.  It does get softer, when you can remember your Nicole and smile. 

Dee – Mattie is so looking forward to summer break her grades are still good, she received her report card yesterday and her only question was why my homework went from an O to a S+.  My answer how do you do homework outstanding either you do it or you don’t.  It should always be an “s” or a “n”.    

Kathy – Sounds like BJ is on the right track.  Great News!!  I’m sure tough love is not easy but if it pays off it will be well worth it! 

Colleen – Sorry about not have a stick for your bubbles, not sure what to do, but if I know Brian he is laughing at you trying to figure this one out. 

Betsy – Meant to tell you yesterday good luck on your new career path! 

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[mikesmomrs]

Debbie:  what a wonderful surprise to sign on today and see your beautiful Pippa and Kieran's faces smiling back!  It is so good to hear from you, and wonderful news about your upcoming grandbaby!  Best of wishes to Topher and his wife and baby, and to you, as well.  I know that Pippa and Kieran are just running all over Heaven, telling everyone the news!

I re-visited your beautiful web site and saw that you've added so many wonderful pictures, videos, etc.  I will spend some time over the next few days viewing them.  I also viewed the memorial movies you made and once again, tears fall at the memories, but good tears this time...the missing is still there, of course, deeply, but as you said, though we want time to stand still, life does go on...I am so glad that it has moved in such a positive direction for you with this new little addition to your family! 

Take care, sweet friend. 

love and hugs,

Carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Yesterday, we had Damon for the day.  It was a wonderful treat, and he was his usual terrific awesome self…  We have a spinning flower with a huge long swirling tail hanging by our front door, blowing about in the breeze.  He was quite taken with it, and when he came in he saw another, still in its package, on the table.  He asked me why I had another one just like the one outside…I said “I got that one to hang up by daddy’s stone after we get it put together.”  Very matter-of-factly he said, “Oh, my daddy will like that; I’m sure he loved those kinds of things back when he was still around.”    It is actually the first reference he’s ever made to his daddy having lived before…he has said “my daddy likes star wars,” or these were my daddy’s figures.”  But he’s never referred to his daddy having “been around” before…I have always feared he would never realize that Mike actually lived---it’s always been “just a picture” and hard to help him to understand.  My heart is warmed; my blessings continue. 

just wanted to share.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Hello to all at BI----This will have to be short as I am using the library computers,

and there is a time limit. Thanks Carol, Susannah, and others who wish me luck

getting a dependable internet connection.... I'll need it. Will try to stop in & post

shenever possible.

Anni-----I am Sherry, and I have been on BI for nearly 7 yrs., along with Dee.

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear daughter Nikki. This site is such a

good place to come and read/post whenever you can because everyone here

knows, firsthand, the pain and sorrow you are in after the devastating loss of

your sweet daughter. It has been a lifeline for so many of us. Please come back

and tell us about your daughter whenever you feel up to it. We're always here.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO EACH AND EVERY ONE HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

                    Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

[aviemare]

A Mother's Loss

How can I endure and yet remain,

through twilight years of bitter pain

and seasons lost

to endless rain.

Why can I no comfort buy;

no tender mercies yet I try

and yearn for shallow graves

where mortals lie.

Why does no song inspire my prose;

as they sing louder silence grows

with leather faces

no one knows.

When Sun and Moon become the same,

and Shadow lies upon the plain

and sunsets leave

a bleeding stain.

I search among the things I know

then reap and gather what I sow

and in the darkness

find a glow.

Beyond the Veil I see her face,

now memories so sweet replace

the fouler things I must endure and so

she grants me Grace.

I breathe her perfume into me,

and through HER eyes I finally see

the world where she now dwells and so

she sets me free.

Anni

[ericasmom]

Deb, how lovely to see Pipin and her Boy, so good to know that you are getting on, and that a new Child is coming to your family. May the blessings be full and magical.

Anni, you are a poet, so beautiful are your words. I too write poetry but your poem sound like those that become classics. As you unleash your broken pieces, keep writing so that you can one day look back and read the timeline of this part of your life. In it you will see the signs of Your Lovely Daughter, so pretty, and you will see the footsteps you made to climb up from such depths.

Carol, so glad that you had Damon and that he allowed that knowledge, that comprehension of his Daddy's life, to flow from him. A gift. How is your baseball team doing?

To All I began reading a book this late afternoon, mostly because I had to find one here that I love being that I have had a lot of insomnia lately so I need something good to take me out of my thoughts. The book I started last week is not well written so I vowed today to find one that holds me. I found it, it may be very heavy for most of what I read is by contemporary females about contemporary times, and often the theme is the struggle with grief. So this one is called GoldenGrove by Francine Prose. I am intrigued so far, so I will let you know how it goes.

I went to the Adler Planetarium today with the 4 third grades, the kids did well, and the trip was great, it is however, exhausting and with little sleep under the belt.

Beautiful weather, and a meteor shower last night. Did you see it Col?

dee

[summergirl]

Here is what I have to say tonight....

• JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA
  
• MICHEAL, MICHEAL, MICHEAL
  
• ERI, ERI, ERI
  
• JAY, JAY, JAY
  
• BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN
  
• NICK, NICK, NICK
  
• KOURTNEY, KOURTNEY, KOURTNEY
  
• BETHANY, BETHANY, BETHANY
  
• MIKE, MIKE, MIKE
  
• STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE
  
• DANIELLE, DANIELLE, DANIELLE
  
• JASON, JASON, JASON
  
• BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN
  
• SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY
  
• JOEY, JOEY, JOEY
  
• ASHLEY, ASHLEY, ASHLEY
  
• RICH, RICH, RICH
  
• ZACHY, ZACHY, ZACHY
  
• DAVEY, DAVEY, DAVEY
  
• STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHAN
  
• ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW
  
• BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN
  
• JASON, JASON, JASON
  
• BRAYDEN, BRAYDEN, BRAYDEN
  
• JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY
  
• ADAM, ADAM, ADAM
  
• PIPPA, PIPPA, PIPPA
  
• KIERAN, KIERAN, KIERAN

SAYING YOUR NAMES, SAYING THEM OUT LOUD, OUR PRECIOUS ANGELS.

 

[ericasmom]

Deb, I just viewed the movie you put together, and it was phenomenal. Absolutely gorgeous. Kieran certainly has his MOmma's beautiful smile, and the music played to their lives so perfectly. Thanks for sharing such a piece of your heart/soul.

dee

PS THanks Kath, for saying the names of our Dearest Ones.

[aviemare]

Thank you all for your support.  I have to go to some stupid Masonic convention this weekend.  The men do their training thing and the ladies have some sort of session.  I just don't know how I will be able to sit through some inane babble while my world has crumbled around me.  I will probably pull my hair out by it's greasy little roots.  Guess I'd better wash it before I go.  I don't want to go at all but I guess I need to support my husband as this training is mandatory for him. 

There are a lot of VERY old ladies within the order, and their perfume itself reeks of the grave.  UGH.  My Fibro makes me so sensitive to smells and noise and light.  Pray for me not to puke on them all.  I have been vomiting a lot lately.  I get sick if I eat and sick if don't.  This is making my diabetes a pain in the a$$ to control.  Still, my sugars are great.  Poor daddy.  He survived two tours of Vietnam and the Diabetes destroyed his organs.  For my family I try my hardest to keep this disease at bay.

The next week after the "Convention" my mother and Jim's parents are coming and then after that I have to plan a dinner for our kids to pass out teddy bear urns and then next month a memorial service for Nicole for her friends. 

I am so tired; I don't know how I can keep up with all this.  I hate going into public or driving because I'm too close to tears still at every second.  I am scheduled for an MRI on May 5 to see  if the tendon is  torn in my right ankle and if I need surgery.  I have already had both of my elbows operated on for torn tendons and two surgeries on my left ankle within 12 months.  I feel like something is trying very hard to take my mind away from me. 

I have survived my father's recent death, molestation as a child, sexual assault, domestic violence, (none of this by my wonderful current husband of 22 years) abandonment with my babies in a foreign country,  Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Myofacial Pain Syndrome, 12 major surgeries and countless other stupid things, each alone enough to send one to the funny farm.

But this.  Ah...this is different.  I would take the other crap a million times over.  I thought I new pain.  I thought I knew despair.  I knew NOTHING.

So, until I figure out something else to moan and whine about, I will give you nice people some peace.  God in Heaven, I MISS MY CHILD.

Anni

[lolynbo]

OK HERE IS ONE PIC OF MY TATTOO, JUST DONE AT THIS POINT...SO USE YOUR BEST JUDGEMENT....

THANK YOU SO MUCH KATHY ...JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA WE LOVE YOU

[Guest]

G'day Mates!  Two gentlemen from Australia gave a wonderful presentation to all the elementary kids today!  They were a good representation of your home, Trudi.  I regretted not being able to stay for the whole assembly.

Anni - The poem you wrote truly touched my soul.  Well said!  Nicole is beautiful!

I'm embarking on yet a different emotion since Stephanie died.  I can't identify it.  I am not sure if I've become accustomed to the sadness so it doesn't shock me when it hits, or if the pain has actually lessened. 

I am experiencing some kind of anxiousness as her birthday approaches.  Gratitude, fear, sadness, grief, anger, exhaustion.  All at once.  We were going to go to the crash site and leave flowers and release balloons, but have decided, instead, to gather at our house and enjoy her favorite meal and release balloons from the front yard.  I don't want the kids to associate the crash site with her birthdate. 

For years her birthday dinner request has been homemade noodles and chicken and "better than sex" cake. 

Debbie - It doesn't sound appropriate to say "I'm glad to meet you" here.  I am glad you decided to reintroduce yourself to those of us who are newer to this sad club of hope. 

In the beginning, I didn't want hope.  I wanted my daughter back or to go be with her.  As you have said, Anni, the fact that I still had three living children, two step children, a husband and 13 grandchildren, three of whom needed me now more than ever, meant very little.  To be comforted or have a reprieve in pain felt like betrayal to Stephanie.

Fortunately, Stephanie sent many signs and manifestations immediately.  They were too profound and tangible to doubt where they came from.

Also like you, Anni, my pain prevented me from feeling her.  However, looking back, I've no doubt she was there.  Now all those signs, manifestations and what I didn't recognize at the time as her, mean more to me than I can articulate. 

It is time for me to get the kiddos ready for bed.  Wishing you all peace and love.

Dee - I hope you get a good night's sleep!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[Guest]

Ouch, Lorri!  Beautiful, but ouch!  Curtis, my son, had Stephanie's face tatoo'd on his forearm the morning before Stephanie's service.  I need to take a picture of it and post it. 

[lolynbo]

WOW SOMETIMES YOU JUST LOOK AT THEIR PIC TOO HARD AND CRY AND ALMOST BLACK OUT...I LOOKED AT THE PICS OF THE TATTOO AND THE ORIGINAL AND HAD ME A LIL MELTDOWN...MISSN HER SO...

OK SO SHSHSHSHSH...FOR MONTYS BDAY (AND MINE) AND OUR 19TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY....I BOOKED US A 5 DAY CRUISE OUT OF FLORIDA TO THE BAHAMAS.(WAS ONLY $951)...I WILL TELL HIM MAY 5TH HIS BDAY...JUST MONTY AND I...WE ARE STILL GOING TO SAN ANTONIO WITH KODY AND BROOKE...

THE ORIGINAL..WELL GOD HAS THE ORIGINAL

[mysonrich]

 Kathy, Thank you.

Lorri, wow. That is beautiful. :dude:

 

 

[debbief]

Hi Anni I am new to this site too and I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my beautiful son Sammy on the 31st May last year in a car accident, so nearly a year now and am starting to struggle again, all feels it's happening again.  This site gives out such strength and support on those days you need it! Hope you can can support and help from us all.

My darling daughter is stuck at Heathrow in a Hotel waiting to hear if she can fly out  with her little daughter Summer and a friend, were due to be in Singapore today around 10 am UK time, don't know if they will get there now.  The worry of them going is horrible and to have all this too! still at least she is safe! which is all we want them to be along side being happy.

I have decided that on Sammy's anniversay I am going to stay up until 2.30am the time it roughly happened and light one of these Chinese Lanterns with a message from me to him and let it fly it's way to him, will also light a candle. Can't think of anything else to do as it's not something to celebrate. My stomach is churning and the heartache is building.

Take care to you all and have a good weekend with your families, time with them is oh so precious as we all realise now how much this is so.

Debbie ~ Sam's mum always and forever xxxx

[shorty16]

Anni,

What a great sense of humor you have in the face of such sadness.  You made me laugh this morning and I thank you for that.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

FINALLY FRIDAY

[shorty16]

Lorri,

WOW what a tatoo!!!  Beautiful.  Whoever did this is a real artist.

Looks like it hurts, but the pain is worth it, I am sure.

Thanks for showing it to us. 

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Lorri, beautiful. But oh the hurting it must have caused. Proud of you.

I heard that all flights in and out of Europe are down today, so I am glad too, that your Lucy is safe and sound. 15,000 flights canceled. That old mountain is y elling, and we better listen. Feeling in a twist as the month nears is a most common occurance. Just so you know, most of us feel this way even this many years out, almost 7, and the build up is the worst part, but the actual day is often less of that anxiety. The lantern sounds beautiful, Sammy will catch it. We have a gathering called, "eri-fest" on or around her anniversary. It is dear to my heart.

Not much better sleep Sus, but thanks.

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  I can't even imagine the pain that you must have gone through...OUCH!  Whenever Mike would get a huge tattoo, I would just look at it and cringe...although, of course, he would always say that it didn't hurt.  The tattoo artist did a great job for you.  That's so great about the trip for Monty's b'day...it will do you both good to get away together. 

Anni:  I agree with Colleen...you do have a good sense of humor in the light of such circumstances...and the "old ladies" perfume would bother me as well...my allergies are flaring just thinking about it.  I have fibro also, but fortunately smells have never bothered me a lot with that.  The anniversary of our child's leaving us is a painful event, and "celebration" is just not a word I've been able to associate with it, either.  We do, however, "honor" his life on that day, and your Chinese lantern sounds like a wonderful idea.  We will all be with you in thought and prayer.  As Dee said, it is true that usually the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day. 

Betty:  You okay?  Beth?

Dee:  I am so sorry you are having such sleep problems.  Do you take anything for it?  I know you do more of the "natural" stuff, but I have heard that some of the new sleep aids just help you get to sleep, and don't "sedate" you so much.  I can imagine that it must be terribly hard to get up so early and face so many challenges as you do in your classroom when you've not had enough sleep over and over.    I do hope you enjoy the new book you are reading...I used to read a lot, but have found that it mostly puts me to sleep now, so it takes forever to finish a book.  By the way, the SOX aren't doing so good, but we always have faith that they will get better...each game is a new opportunity...

Greg:  Thanks so very much for the really great job you did on the window stickers for Mike.  I put one on our car yesterday, but too late to take a picture, and today it is raining.  As soon as the sun is out again, I will take a picture and post.  It really looks good.  I can't thank you enough.

Kathy:  thank you for saying all of our angels' names...    Tears fall each time I read of your "tough love" with BJ, but I am so glad that you have been able to stick with it...his words to you must rip your heart to shreds, but hopefully this will be the road that begins his journey back to the life he has it in him to lead.  Holding him and you in our thoughts and prayers.  I hope that Barry is continuing to do well. 

It has been so bright and sunny all this week and rainy and cold this morning...I guess we have to take the good with the bad, don't we.  I am glad that we got out when we could while it was sunny.  Ralph has a difficult time when it's damp, so we mostly stay home then. 

Betsy, Bonnie, Marcia, Claudia, Colleen, and all our Indigos who I've not mentioned...you are in my heart and thoughts as always.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT IT DIDNT HURT..IM A LIL STIFF TODAY BUT NOT IN ANY PAIN...AND YES WELLLLLL WORTH IT...THANKS GUYS...

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's,

I'm a wimp.  I have a very low threshold for pain.  I have a tatoo on my right shoulder and on my lower back.  They hurt. 

Kathy - I didn't see the kid's names last night.  Thank you for posting them.  It's still a shock to see Stephanie's name included with our angels, but I am so grateful she is remembered.

Besides Stephanie's birthday coming up this month; we also have Rohan's birthday TODAY (if the cheat sheet is correct) and Brian's birthday is the 19th.  And, Steven's angeldate is on May 6th. 

Thinking of them and all of you!  May the love and peace of our Creator comfort you.

I hope you got some rest last night, Dee.

Oh....we have decided to add on to our house.  With three more people living here, it's necessary.  It will be a while, yet.  But, I'm excited!  We are going to put a basement under our home.  I didn't know you could put a basement under an existing structure, but Gary assures me you can....There will be plenty of room to have four good size bedrooms, a family room and a bathroom if he's correct! 

That's all.

Blessings,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

Here is a helpful link for the new people here.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN%20THE%20BEGINNING-01-03-06.pdf

[hotsauce]

Kathy, i agree with Dee thank you for the names of our angels.

Lorri, what a great tattoo, still to scared to get one.

Greg, thanks for the newsletter.

 

with my son's angel day coming up in two week the panic attach are great and very close together.   has anyone felt that way also?  (may 1) or am i just going crazy?

[hotsauce]

Rohan, Rohan, Rohan

 

happy angel birthday.

send your family lots of signs for such a specail day.

 

[lolynbo]

JUST GOT MY ROOM RESERVED FOR THE LIL ROCK DEAL...$198.48 FOR 2 NIGHTS/89.00 PLUS TAX...NOT TO BAD...

[briansdad]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

JUST GOT MY ROOM RESERVED FOR THE LIL ROCK DEAL...$198.48 FOR 2 NIGHTS/89.00 PLUS TAX...NOT TO BAD...

I hope their ready for you

Greg

[Guest]

Greg - When do we need to register with Bereaved Parents or do we?

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

Greg - When do we need to register with Bereaved Parents or do we?

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Ok here is the complete registration packet.

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/images/2010%20Gathering/2010-Gathering-RegistrationPacket.pdf

[briansdad]

Here are 2 of the reasons that I get  up in the morning.

 

[lolynbo]

LOVEN YOUR 2 REASON GREG...AND NO I DONT THINK ANYONE IS READY FOR ME...LORD HELP EM

WELL IDK IF IM DOING THE CONFERENCE THING...BUT I WILL BE THERE

[ericasmom]

Right on for your two reasons Greg, no better reasons in all the world.

Boy, a small female version of Brian to be sure.

Love ya,

dee

[ericasmom]

ROHAN, what a pretty day to think of you with the blue skies and big puffy white clouds. It is a Rohan day to be sure. Kiss your Momma and dance around your siblings, letting them know that their Brother is forever present in their hearts.

Love,

dee