Loss of an Adult Child

[mpsmom]

Trudi, the song is amazing.....thank you for sharing,.

Marcia       Bethanys Mom Forever

[mikesmum]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

Someone posted, oh, something ... their own words to a song..

they worked for 911 dispatch.  Was it you, Trudy?

Now it's gone.

I just wanted to ask what they say the normal response is for unnatural circ**stances.  And, I liked the words that you wrote...cry...scream...laugh

Can you repost it?

Susannah

Stephanie's mom

Cry - if you have the need, it may washaway and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep                        

Scream - if nothing else it will let you and others know you are alive

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them too

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you too

Remember - memories of times gone by, good and bad.  While your child may have died, the love and your relationship remains........

The normal response thing explains why we sit in our PJ's typing in the wee small hours, why we dont remember from one minute to the next, how we lose time and many other things.  Thats what happens to the heart body and soul when a child dies.....a normal response to an abnormal circumstance....no parent should outlive their child

The Readers Digest Version........

Mike was my eldest son.  Around the time he was 18 Mike was diagnosed with a deterioration of the cartilages in his body being with his knees.  It quickly affected his back and at 22 he was diagnosed with a cardiac arrythmia that required a pacemaker.  It changed his life. He could no longer work as a Chef.  He did work with a group of special needs kids and even that took its toll physically.  His long term relationship broke down and he became chronically depressed.

He did meet someone and in 2005 they had a baby girl.  The relationship was toxic to say the least.

On January 18th 2007 a call came in to where I worked (911).  It was for Mike.  He was in cardiac arrest.  He died that day from a lethal dose of Oxycodiene. Ironically, after being alone for 15yrs I had remarried 6 weeks before this.  My new husband was the intensive care paramedic who responded to my son....

The pain of staying outweighed the pain of leaving....I believe this to be true for Mike......

 

[lolynbo]

I DONT KNOW IF I TOLD YAL (CUZ MY MEMORY SUKS)...BUT FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY THE GIRL THAT DOES MY HAIR, WAS TOLD BY SATANS DAUGHTER COURTNEY.."THAT IF MONTY AND LORRI WOULD JUST DIE, MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER"!

WHO THE HELL SAYS THINGS LIKE THIS?????

[ericasmom]

Oh Trudi, Given to Fly is one of my favorites, thanks for posting it. Eddie Vetter has a gift in his voice and his song writing abilities, and I am grateful for his talent as it becomes the soundtrack of our lives. I feel that he must have an old soul to be able to express what he does using the most passion filled voice. Gorgeous.

I have a coupon for a nice meal at a decent restaurant, so Husband and I are going out to eat. I have given this day away to sitting here talking and sitting in the sun, and so I am a lucky woman to have spent my day with all of you.

Carol, so glad to see you, I know that touching base sometimes is all I can do, the weeks have been so busy with the students. How are all teh kids? Illness gone?

dee

[ericasmom]

Marcia, poor little one, I wish that I could come and help out, be your crutch. I would wait on you, swear I would.

I hope that the news will be good about that joint.

love you hop-along

[mysonrich]

 

Trudi, good idea. I have no pictures of my own of this area so I found one. This is The Delaware-Raritan State Park which runs along the Delaware River near the home we shared in NJ. On the right is the river, out of site here but from what I was told are the  remains of an old mill. What you can't see are the rapids. Rich use to love to swim here, boogie board, watch the kayaks practice. This place became very popular with swimmers, people in canoe and kayak. This is were we walked Cole quite often and along the canal/tow path of The Delaware -Raritan Canal, once used as the transport of barges pulled my mule.

This is where I spread some of Rich's ashes and felt him with me that day, on his birthday.

This is on the New Jersey side , Pennsylvania off to the right, over the river.

[mysonrich]

Susannah, I'm kind of tired tonight so I'll tell you about Rich later.

Trudi, Dee, I have a CD of Rich's music, haven't listened to it yet, it on the kitchen table. soon.

 

Lorri, a fruitcake.

 

[Guest]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

I DONT KNOW IF I TOLD YAL (CUZ MY MEMORY SUKS)...BUT FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY THE GIRL THAT DOES MY HAIR, WAS TOLD BY SATANS DAUGHTER COURTNEY.."THAT IF MONTY AND LORRI WOULD JUST DIE, MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER"!

WHO THE HELL SAYS THINGS LIKE THIS?????

Very, very sad, lonely, bitter people. 

[lolynbo]

LOL LIKE SHE DONT NO SOMETIMES WE WISH WE WERE...

[arc4ever]

Lorri, in case I don't make it on the computer tomorrow.  My love to you and prayers for as peaceful day as possible.  Two years, a lifetime and the blink of an eye.  Love to you and your family on this date.  Your Kourtney sounds was and is an incredible young woman you show this every day in your love for her.

Sunshine and hugs to you and your family.

Much love, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[arc4ever]

Lorri, in case I don't make it on the computer tomorrow.  My love to you and prayers for as peaceful day as possible.  Two years, a lifetime and the blink of an eye.  Love to you and your family on this date.  Your Kourtney sounds was and is an incredible young woman you show this every day in your love for her.

Sunshine and hugs to you and your family.

Much love, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[arc4ever]

Sussanna, please let me say how sorry I am about your Stephanie.

On March 25, 2008, our son, Adam was 16 years old, he died as a result of injuries in an automobile accident while driving to school.   He hit a dump truck head on - nothing left of his car.  He survived thru surgery and died shortly thereafter.  He was our only child.

Please know you have come to the right place.  The people here understand and are here to support each other night and day.

Nothing you did or will do after you daughter passed is wrong.  We do what we can to get thru each day.  Whatever it takes.

I struggle every day and still cry all the time, my husband is barely able to get out of bed still.  He loved that boy with all his heart. 

Just know there will be days when you can get thru, and days when you can barely breathe.  I have tried very hard to learn the triggers (and there are many, many triggers) and some thing just hit out of the blue.

Today we went on a toys for tots motorcycle ride fundraiser.  There was a motorcycle wreck, we didn't ride our motorcycle as my husband had knee surgery a couple of weeks ago, so we drove.  We came upon the accident and it took every ounce of willpower not to just run from the car.  We were stuck right there beside the accident, with the ambulance and the police cars and the fire trucks.  Just like the day of our son's accident.  As I sit here typing, there are two ambulances that have just driven by our house - and we live in a very rural area. Panic attacks are always just under the surface and can hit at the drop of a hat. (By the way, we did hear the two people in the motorcycle wreck were fine)

This is a hard, hard life we are forced to live.  Come here as often as you need to, we are here to support you and to support each other in ways others cannot.

May you find some comfort and peace,

Much love, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[Guest]

Betsy – I hope you get some rest.  I look forward to hearing about your son when you’re ready to tell me.   I’ve walked that path along the Delaware.  I think it’s the same path.  By Eaton NJ and I can’t remember the city in PA.  I live in Wyoming.  That was my first trip back east.  Loved it!

Trudy – were you on call, too?  I call them “tortured souls”.  Your Mike and my Stephanie.  I believe it was God’s grace and mercy that took Stephanie home that day - - in the way He/She did.  I’m going to tell more about her journey in a separate post.

Marcia -   So sorry about your leg.  Ouch!  Thank you for letting me know I’m under no pressure to send thank you cards.   That did help!  Bethany is beautiful!  I’m so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for taking the time and energy to welcome me.  “Welcome” isn’t quite the right word is it?  No body’s glad the other is here.  But, I so appreciate the warm “I’m so sorry you HAD to come here…but, I’m glad you did.” 

Dee – I will keep your Jonathon in my prayers, too.  I’m so sorry for the loss of Michael.  I was thinking today that the valley of the shadow of death is exactly where we are.  We are in the shadow of our children’s deaths.  This is where the true test of survival begins, isn’t it?  I haven’t been able to take walks, yet….well, for one thing, it’s cold outside and I’m basically lazy.

I couldn’t eat anything for the first two weeks.  It’s not that I wouldn’t eat.  I couldn’t eat.  It wouldn’t go down my throat.  Then I began eating sweets.  Hostess cupcakes!  Zingers.  I’m a petite woman…5’2” 110lbs……….but, I’m not that stupid…I know if I continue eating my zingers and never exercise it will catch up with me!

Well, maybe I am that stupid because I’m also a smoker.  Yes.  I know it’s bad for me.  But, I enjoy it.  One pack lasts about 2 ½ days.  Except when Steph died.  I was smoking more than a pack a day…outside.  I never smoke in the house or in the car.  I just sat outside, smoking, feeling the breeze.  I found comfort in the wind.

 I have a picture in my mind of all of us...I don't think I can articulate it adequately.  But, I'll try...later.

[Guest]

Oh Terri, I'm so sorry for your loss!  Yes.  Sounds of sirens make all of us a little edgy around here. 

Susannah

[mikesmum]

Betsy - That's the idea.  Only got one pic, is that all you posted?  It looks beautiful.  Picture Muttley there walking through the shade and tipping into the water for his drink....

I guess that's why I go to the river or the beaches.....memories of days with my kids, swimming, exploring, fishing & surfing.....

Terrie - Rural is where we live sort of.  We are 20kms from the next 'main town' which isn't large.  The sirens, helicopters overhead part of our daily lives, given Mal's job.   Hate it when there is an accident....we know too many who have been lost in our town.......

Dee -  Enjoy that meal and long lasting looks over the table....hey John!

To all, its Sunday here and I am off to Kinglake...the last town to visit since the fires in Feb......such strong souls there.

Trudi

[mysonrich]

the church yard where most of my family are. The family stone, the oldest of the family memebrs, grand and great grandparents are here, 3 rd stone from the left. Others are nearby. When I coldn't make it to place flowers Rich went for me last time.

ps. my grandmother asked that her feet be placed at the headstone so that she could look up at the church.

 

Ewing Presbyterian Church is an historic building dated 1867 and set within the American Revolution era Ewing Church Cemetery. The church has recently been under threat of demolition by the Presbyterian Session of New Jersey which claims the roof trusses are buckling and beyond the point of cost effective repair. Numerous preservation groups say that the structural problems are much easier to resolve than the Session claims. Various organizations have endeavored to raise funds to secure the stability of the original church structure. The matter has become an issue of significant debate as the Presbyterian Session continues to support the razing of the church. Comparisons have been made to the demolition of Penn Station (New York) in the 1960s; an action which prompted great interest in historic preservation and continues to be a symbol for preservationist causes.

 

[Guest]

Stephanie was a wonderfully gifted woman.  From the day she was born she had the ability to make people laugh.  She was artistic and talented.  She could sing, draw, dance and write.  And, as is common with many (not all) gifted beings,  behind her smile was a tortured soul.

She was lost in so many ways and all the love we gave her didn’t help her find her way.  She turned to street drugs. 

She spent several years entering and running away from rehab.  Always a different city.  Always the same story.

In my worst parenting moment, I would have never chose the path for my daughter that she chose for herself.   Stephanie lived the kind of life that is normal for a homeless drug addict.  I won’t go into detail, but if you can imagine it, she probably walked through it.

“Mom, I’m pregnant.”  Fifteen minutes after hearing the message on my answering machine, I remembered to breath. 

Mariah was conceived in Colorado Springs, during one of Stephanie’s homeless bouts while using LSD and meth. 

Stephanie wasn’t happy during her pregnancy with Mariah.  But, she did abide by my rules in order to receive my help and have a place to stay (no drugs, no prostituting, no shoplifting – that sort of thing).

I was determined NOT to raise my grandchildren.  I thought if I made her own her motherhood, maternal instincts would kick in and she would straighten out her life.  I was wrong.

To be continued………

[mysonrich]

The Delaware River forms the western border of Ewing Township.

 

going to watch tv.

[summergirl]

oops - double post

[summergirl]

Another day of being busy with Tavian - spent a few hours building Lego's, a picnic area and a camper - we had some fun.   I have read over the postings as best as I could but always hard to read back 5 pages - I do it but sometimes forget things that were mentioned - we do the best we can.

Yes Trudi - Tavian is a cub scout and getting so big - he is up to my chin now and he is only 7 and 1/2 - afraid of how tall he will be next year - thinking about how to disicipline a child who you look up at !!!  Promise to get the pics posted this coming week, I have not had the time to get them down loaded but at the top of my list.

Susannah - I am very happy to welcome you to BI but so sorry for the reason you are here, like the rest of us. Your daughter Stephanie is beautiful and I am so very sorry for your loss of her and in such a tragic way. Post as much as you want, when you want and say what you want - we are all here. I am Kathy and my husband and I lost our beautiful Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 at the age of 26 to ARVD - sudden death. She left behind a 4 year old son Tavian whom my husband and I have full custody of. His father whom we all call DD (Disneyland Dad) is not in the picture since he lost custody of Tavian to us but never really was so no problem there.  We were babysitting for Tavian that night as Jessica was going out to dinner with friends from work, at about midnight there was a knock on the door and as soon as I opened it and saw out 2 policeman friends I knew something has happened to Jessica - they would not give me the news, they waited for my husband to come downstairs and told him in a seperate room. We went to the hospital to see her and I remmeber just sitting with her and begging her to open her eyes as I needed to take her home, my sister-in-law finally took my out.  It will be 4 years this coming Feb and it still feels like the same day at times, it has become "softer" but will never be better or easier, people will continue to say stupid, cruel things such as "it really is time for you to move on" or "she is in a better place" - all the things they have no right to say as they do not walk this journey as we do - you learn to forgive but never forget. Life has changed in many ways, we are not the same people as we were and never will be but we have our daughter's precious son Tavian who has saved our lives and minds many times over and raising him is a joy but think every day how I would trade places with my Jessica so she could be here with her Tavian but I know she sees and is smiling at each new step he takes as he too travels this journey.  The loss of a child is something we will never comprehend and also something that "could never happen to us" but it did and now we live life without them here but with them always in our hearts and minds.    I look forward to getting to know you more and before you know it you will come to know each of us by our names and child - takes time so no worries about forgetting someone. My blessings to you.

Cold. rainy and windy again today but hoping for a better tomorrow -  really need to do some more leaves - oh yeah Dee, I have done the mowing and mulching but there are so many leaves that I need to blow them also. We have leave pick-up here so they come around several times and take them from the pile I put out front by the roadway.

Lorri - so sorry for your loss.  Courtney needs to "back-off" before Ms. Lorrie does a smack down!!!!!!   You are stong my friend and you have Monty, Kim and Cody so you focus on them and yourself and forget the "Courtney's of this world.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I really would just like to stay home and not go to my mother-in-laws and deal with the drama or should I say the lack of no one acknowlegding that my Jessica is no longer here - sometimes I just do not want to be around other's and their happy little smiles and hear their happy little stories !!!

Peaceful dreams and restful night to all and talk tomorrow.  Kathy 

Susannah - here is one of my favorite pics of our beautful Jessica

 

[summergirl]

and this is Tavian - we camp at a place called Gin Beach and this is my favorite pic of him - taken in August of this year.

[summergirl]

and this is Tavian at the age of 4, when he lost his mommy.

[lolynbo]

MY LIL VGS...(VURTUAL GRANDSON) LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLS LIKE SUNSHINE....I CLD ALMOST SMELL HIM WITH THE SUMMER BREEZE BLOWN THROUGH HIS CURLY HAIR...I LOVE THAT PIC OF JESSICA..SHE IS ABSOLUTLEY BEAUTIFUL...

AS WE HAVE SAID BEFORE NOT A UGLY ONE IN THE BUNCH...

THANK YAL FOR ALL THE PRAYERS AND UP LIFTING THOUGHTS FOR TOM...I JUST WANNA GO TO BED AND WAKE UP MONDAY..

[Guest]

Hello Kathy.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jessica.  I'll have to google ARVD, as I don't know what it is.

The first week was hard.........since then there have been hard days, hard hours, but never a weekend like this weekend.  I can hardly breath right now.  I can't seem to stop the tears.  I have got to snap out of it.  I have these three beautiful grandchildren who have been through hell.  They need me.  I can't fail them!

Thank God for my husband.  We've only been married for 3yrs this December, but have been friends for the last 16 yrs.  He has really picked up the slack with the kids and is patient as are all of them with the piles of laundry.  It gets washed, but rarely folded and put away. 

I get so tired. 

I know what you mean about people not acknowledging our missing child.  It's only been three months and people act like it's no big deal.  Some people just stare at me when I mention her. 

One second I'm a pillar of spiritual strength and the next I'm being scraped off the bottom of the proverbial heap.  My emotions are so across the board.

I am determined to give my family a thanksgiving dinner.  This will be our first thanksgiving with Stephanie's children in 3 years.  We didn't know where they were for over a year before they were returned to us.  They have endured and survived a life of physical and sexual torture at the hands of stephanie's exhusband's girlfriend.

This may very well be their first real family holiday.   I demand of myself to make it special for them!

I'm drifting off......benadryl......

Why is this so effing hard?  My daughter died happy, clean and sober.  I believe she still lives.  Her children, my biggest worry, are finally safe with us.  I just can't seem to rise above it?  The first two weeks people were saying how strong I was...one friend even confronted me because I didn't fall apart...........now....I'm just a shell of a human being.  I don't know what my likes and dislikes are.  I don't care if my house is clean or not.  I don't want to make love to my husband. 

okay.  i'm done talking now.........oh....I did start seeing a professional counselor and I am going to a md doctor monday. 

[daveydow1]

Dee---My prayers, also, for your dear son, Jon. Yes, it is hard for the

surviving brothers & sisters when  death comes to their sibling. May he

find some peace.

Marcia----Oh dear.....I hope there are no complications with the healing

process of your broken leg. You've had enough pain from it. So hard to

be hopping around on one foot. May you have encouraging news when

you return to the Dr.

      Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[Guest]

This is all such a surreal experience.  It's almost "out of body" type experience.  From the phone call to get to the hospital quick to me yelling NO at the doctor when he took me in a separate room and mechanically delivered the news that my daughter had "bled out" and died that morning..........news I refused to believe and demanded he allow me to see my daughter RIGHT NOW  to walking in the room where my daughter's body lay while her father stood sobbing over her to the strange sounds that immediately escaped my throat without my permission.  I knew it was me screaming.  I heard it.  I felt it.  I also could hear my ex-husband's cries increase as I screamed my rejection of the "NOW" to the universe.  I could hear his wife crying as she watched me writhe in pain and anguish over my daughter's body. 

A man I did not know reached for me and said, "Ma'am" 

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled at him.  He quickly backed away as the screams from the inner part of my soul escaped without my consent. 

I have no idea how long the screaming continued...........but, as abruptly as it began.........it stopped.  I sat.  Took a breath.  Held my daughter's arm.  Looked at the stranger that was risking his life just moments before and demanded..."Who are you?" 

The coroner.  There were two of them.

I inspected my daughters obvious injuries.  I was grateful to learn she had not been decapitated. I tried to pull grass and weeds out of her blood matted hair.  I kissed her repeatedly.  After making the necessary phone calls to have the family assemble, I laid my head on my daughter's chest and began to softly sing....."We are one in the spirit". 

"She's not here" I finally announced. 

It was at that time I realized everyone was watching me rather closely or guarded.  "Why are they looking at me like that?"  I wondered. 

It was then that I realized my body was trembling against my will.  My legs were visibly shaking.  "let's go"  I say to my ex husband and his wife, whom I've referred to my "wife in law" all these years.  That day she became my sister.

The chaplain who had prayed with us earlier in the room stopped us as we walked down the hall.  "Do you want your daughter to be a donor?"

There were papers to sign.

I walked back mechanically and pulled the nurses stool out for myself.  I stared at the room my daughter's body was in.  The nurse said she needed the correct spelling of my name.  "They can tell you" I say as I rise to walk back to my daughter.  The coroner stopped me at the door.  "Ma'am. This is not what you want your last memory of your daughter to be." 

"Oh yes it is!"  I whisper as I push past him.  "I want to see every scrape, every cut, every bruise."

Without saying another word, the two coroners stood quietly as I ran my finger softly over each wound, beginning at her feet.  I noticed her cute underwear.  "Very comfortable" I thought. 

I recalled the first time I performed a similar inspection of her body.  Making sure she had all her toes and fingers.  Trying to make her tiny mouth fit around my nipple as I clumsily tried to breastfeed (and failed miserably)  I touched her and caressed in much the same fashion then as I did now. 

I inhaled her scent then as I was doing now.  "Don't let me forget."  I whisper.

The physical ripping I endured to bring her into this world was nothing compared to the physical, spiritual and emotional ripping I was experiencing now. 

  "My sweet, sweet baby"  I whisper...........just as I whispered then. 

I tried to clean the blood from her hair...just as I did then.

I kissed her one last time as I whispered "I love you".

The shaking had stopped as involuntarily as it began.  I walked out of the room and informed my now sister and brother ex husband I was capable of driving myself home.  They would follow.

[Guest]

I just want to tell all of you how grateful (and sorry) you are all here.  Last night was another sleepless night.  I hesitate in asking for something to help me sleep, but perhaps I will when I see the doctor tomorrow.

Last night I woke with the feeling someone was standing over me, looking at me.  I looked up and saw a shadow.  As soon as I recognized the shadow as Stephanie, she disappeared. 

Could have been my imagination.

Gary, my husband and best friend, is making waffles for breakfast then we're taking the grandchildren to church.  Mariah (8yrs old) calls it "Mommy's funeral church".  They like going there.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

not sure if this is going to work so bare with me

[lostwoher]

backside:

[shorty16]

My BI Friends

Well, Aaron's party was a suprising success.  About 40 kids showed up and half left about an hour later. 

5 kids are sleeping right now all over the house.  Reminds me almost every weekend with Brian.

I am making a BIG breakfest for everyone, because I am so happy AJ had a good turnout.

Some of the kids were in Brian's graduation class.  All were respectful and I enjoyed seeing them.

My cousing, sister and their 7 kids combined also came over with both their dogs.  A Yorkshire Terrier and a Rottweiler-Bull Mastiff mix.  What a pair - hey!!

Thanks for caring and it all worked out well

Colleen 

[lostwoher]

This is on a metal plate on the backside:

[lostwoher]

Kayla and her dad together eternally:

[lostwoher]

Thats all the pictures for now. I have all winter to decide what sort of landscaping will be done next spring.

Have a great day ALL!

Lynn aka Travis & Kayla's mom always but still lostwoher

[lostwoher]

Colleen, thats great news! Im ready for some of that breakfast haha .

Im sure your son will be beaming with delight all day.

Lynn

[hotrod]

Colleen  So glad that AJ'se party turned out well .  What a thoughtful mom you are!!!

 

Lynn           The pictures of Kayla's headstone were absolutely beautiful.. I loved the poem -each word so true!! I know how difficult that was for you.  Thank you for sharing

 

Betsy  Loved the pictures  It looks as if you and Rich had a place with many happy memories  I will find some of Central Park of  my apartment complex and post soon.You all have to know I live in an apartment.  Cannot handle ownership. Will have to Express mail some NY bagels to you for the holiday.

 

Trudi  I am looking for some good NY pictures  I love all the beautiful pictures that you share.  I do believe it is because they always include my favorite dog, Mutley  Your walks sound as if they evoke much deep thought and solace as you think of the many beautiful memories of Michael and his precious children!!

 

Dee      Hope the weather clears and you get some rest this weekend  You described Central Park so week I will find a fee pictures of the park and post so everyone can share our delight at this NY site. Love the picture of ERI

 

Sherry  Always love to see Davey's smiling face   

 

Bonnie  I hope you are holding your own during this difficult time

 

Carol   YOur message to each of us is always so kind and thinghtful  I too have a difficult time seeing families sharing hapiness and love.  Holidays are very hard.

 

Lori Thinking of you today

 

Sue, Mary Ann, Susannah, Beth holding you and all our angels everyone in my heart.

 

Betty

Stephen's mom:)

[heartbeataway]

Lynn,

Love Kayla's stone.  I know it took longer to arrive than you anticipated. It was well worth the wait!  It's beautiful!  I love the design and the poem on the back.

You did good Mom!

Love!

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[ericasmom]

LYNN, the stone, the setting so beautiful. I am glad that you have gotten to this point, being able to share Kayla's stone and spot with us. WOW! powerful that she and her Daddy are next to one another. YOu did a phenomenal job picking out the stone, perfectly KAYLA. Is that a stone cat in front?

Our cemetery (some of you know this) would not allow a standing stone unless we purchased 6, count 'em', 6, plots that day. "OH okay Lady, let me plan ahead for the death of 5 more family members deaths"...I nearly jumped on her and strangled her and then I would have yelled out, " here is 1"

So Michael and I picked out he spot and then Jonathan and Mike and me decided on her stone. Jon made sure it was a rose color.

Susannah, I hear the day of your Daughter's death and feel my tears welling in the corners of my eyes, that familiar sting. Your description of going back over her body as you had when she was born, a blink of an eye-ago, was so poignant. I see that Your Girl inherited your artistic nature. Are you a writer?

How did you find yourself out west?  OH, I think that it was not your imagination last evening, I think perhaps you had a visit. I had one early on that was similar and wonderful. I have had visit dreams since then, never her right there again, but dreams of her that felt like we hung out, so we did. On the day following a visit dream, I am very serene adn joyous, which is also how I know that we hung out.

Enjoy those waffles and hug those three babies for me.

Colleen, so glad that you had a house-full for AJ. What a great feeling for you all. Now a cloudy day, a more November-ish feel to the air and to the colors that await me. Those leaves that remain attached are waving like little mittens.

Lorri, may this day also bring you some sort of peace knowing that while we never want our Kids to die, that Kourt is peaceful, that she is always present, and that she loves you beyond the barriers that keep us from seeing them. Just as you do her. She is so damn proud of who you are, and of what you all have done to climb forward. And it is like climbing isn't it? Climbing through the heavy mess of grief. IT is thick and lasting, it clings to us, never can shake it off and we won't anyway because it is what we have left, but it is heavy. The weight of our grief is what is exhausting. All things are done with effort, where as before they were simply done. One day, this walk will be less of a climb, mainly because you will have reached a spot in which to rest. We will see behind us and know that we have worked very hard to get there, and that while the hole in our hearts is still unfillable, it serves to keep us directed and let's us see beyond the smaller picture, into the blue. Our vision includes so many now, we envelope others who have struggled, we are on the ready for the next  one, we intuit more and have our hearts ready to make room for more. When we are in the midst of the pain in those first years, I don't think we realize that our lives and the force we use to live them allow for so much more than we thought possible. Oh don't get me wrong, if we could un-do the Shattering of our Lives, we would to have that Child back in the safety of our old lives, but since we cannot, we struggle on, through the muck, falling down so many times unsure if getting up is something within our ability. And then we find our selves sitting on a day that feels different and gaze back and see the path we carved. We see that we are doing the work that makes OUR KIDS smile and fly freely.

Loving you on this and each day.

dee

[lolynbo]

STEPHANIES MOMMY, I WASNT GONNA READ MUCH TODAY, IM ALREADY AS LOW AS I THINK I CAN GO...BUT I DID...

WOW...I CAN NOT IMAGINE, HAVING GOING THROUGH THAT..MY HELL WAS SO MUCH DIFF IN (SMALL DOSES)...TOUCHING HER LIKE YOU DID WHEN SHE WAS BORN..LOOKING AT HER FROM HEAD TO TOE...HOW SO SWEET FROM THE FIRST DAY YOU MET HER TO THE LAST DAY YOU SAID GOODBYE...IDK IF I COULD HAVE DONE THAT..IDK..I DONT WANT TO NO...IM REALLY A VERY WEAK PERSON..I FOLD EASILY....EVERYONE TELLS ME HOW STRONG I AM....I DONT SEE IT...THEY DONT SEE ME CRYING AND WISHIN I WAS GONE TOO....

I FELT EVERY BIT OF YOURPAIN FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT..I WAS WITH YOU IN THAT ROOM, WE ALL WERE.....IN SOME WAY.....

DEE THANK YOU MY FRIEND AS ALWAYS FOR SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS...I DONT NO HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT BUT YOU DO...............IF ONLY I COULD

KAYLAS HEADSTONE IS BEAUTIFUL LYNN YOU DID AN EXCELLENT JOB...I LOVE THE PIC ON THE BACK AND THE WORDS...I WISH I COULD GO SIT WITH YOU AND KAYLA AND YOU WITH ME AND KOURTNEY...

I THOUGHT ID GET UP AND GO TO OKC TODAY TO THE ZOO..MAYBE FUNNY ANIMALS WOULD HELP...BUT ITS FRICKIN RAINING SO MAYBE I JUST GO BACK TO BED??? IDK HOW TO HANDLE TODAY, MONTY GOT UP AND GOT READY FOR CHURCH.....I SAID "IM NOT GOING" HE GOT UNDRESSED AND HE DIDNT GO.....IM A BAD PERSON MAYBE THATS WHAT I NEEDED...BUT NO ONE THERE UNDERSTANDS...THEY THINK IM A FUNNY PERSON 24/7.....I USE TO BE..WHEN I HAD A HEART BEAT

[lostwoher]

 Dee, the cat is made of cement. It is to represent her precious kitty- Paris Andrew. The one shown in the avatar with her. I had been looking for one for several months with no luck. This one was found while at SpoonRiver Drive. I painted it.

for anybody interested : http://www.spoonriverdrive.org/about.htm

Kayla and I enjoyed going to this every year. Its difficult to go now but I went in hopes of finding the cat. She was with me

Lorrie, holding you close at heart today. Kourtney is with you- just listen for her whisper. HUGS!

Lynn aka Travis & Kayla's mom

[bjsmom]

Susannah & Beth, i wish we were not e-meeting as this. My name is Deneace and i wanted to personally say hello. My sons name is Bj, he was killed in a car wreck on Nov 9th, 2008; he was 19. The wreck involved a city police cruiser, who at the time was on a burglary call. My son had just gotten off I-20 and was sitting at the stop sign at the end of the off-ramp. He was intending to turn left, to go under the overpass; the overpass/Hwy is approx. 50ft from the stop sign. As he pulled out he was t-boned on the drivers side door, he was killed instantly. His car landed 296 feet away from the point of impact; basically the length of a football field. My son was driving 12mph as he pulled out, it was his first visit to this particular town.

My thoughts are with you both through this life changing torture. May you find some semblance of peace filled moments.

Deneace(BjsMom)

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  The words you write are straight from you heart, and your writing is right on..."THEY THINK IM A FUNNY PERSON 24/7.....I USE TO BE..WHEN I HAD A HEART BEAT"  This is a direct description of all of us...I wish you love today, and some peaceful memories of your beautiful Kourtney that will help your heart beat through this day...she is with you, Lorri, Kourtney is with you, always.

Susannah:  What can be said...the pain you describe, so heartbreaking...so primal...the words you use are very descriptive and put all of us right there in the room with you...I am so sorry that you had a reason to compare the feelings you felt and the actions your performed at the birth of your daughter with those of her death...this should not happen...we should not see our children die before us...no mother (or father) should ever have to go through what you went through that night...the break that happens to our heart at the leaving from this world of our children is irreparable...the pain may soften over time, but the scars are there forever...we remember those last moments, those last minutes, every detail, forever.  The night they took Mike out of our house (he had been in hospice in our home for the last two months and the last two weeks of his life, he was confined to bed), I thought my heart would never beat again and there never would be a warm feeling in my body again.  This was too soon, the doctors had said we might even have up to five years...we knew the chance of that was slim, but it had only been 17 months...   We were all with him when he left us, family, friends...we all sat by him...I was on one side holding his hand, his wife on the other, holding his other hand; his dad stood at the head of the bed, cradling Mike's head in his hands.  After Mike passed, the others got up and went into the other room, together.  I sat there, holding Mike's hand, feeling the warmth leaving it, yet unable to let go.  I wanted to hold his hand and never let him go...  When the funeral director arrived, I wanted to block the door...no, go away...They were so gentle and kind, they showed that truly cared and did all they could to help us...When they left with our son, I followed them out to the porch, and as I watched them gently put the stretcher carrying his body into the van, I heard the loud "click" of the stretcher being locked into place.  I wanted to run after them, to scream at them that they were not supposed to be here, they were not supposed to be taking my child...but of course, that wouldn't have changed anything.  I stood on the porch, ...I know it was cold outside, but I didn't feel it, I was already cold, numb, with pain...I watched the taillights of their van as they drove off, followed the red lights as they blinked through the trees that lined the street, until the van turned the corner and they were out of sight.  I stood there on the porch until the others called me inside...and so I walked back in, to my family, what was left of it.  The next days were a blur, just as they were for everyone here...we all know the pain, we all know the piercing heartache, and we all know that this dark journey will be with us forever...but we do eventually see sunlight again and recognize it and welcome it...we do eventually feel joy again...maybe not as intense as before, but it is there, we feel it, even if only to honor our children as they wait for us.  In the last months of his battle with cancer, my son put his hands on my shoulders, looked at me square in the eyes, and said  "Please don't die because I do" and I must work so very hard to honor that request...some days it's near impossible, but I know he is by me, sending me strength, and I work to hang onto that, until I see him again in eternity.

Lynn:  Kayla's stone...so beautiful, the poem is beautiful also...it is painful that we have to have a place like that for our children, but it does help to have it there, to be able to "visit" and to be able to remember...

Colleen:  I am so very glad that AJ had a wonderful birthday...you are a terrific mom!  Breakfast after a busy night filled with teenagers...bless you!  Perhaps this will help with AJ's healing, also...to have his friends around him in a celebratory event...he will hold this close to his heart...

Marcia:  So good to see your beautiful Bethany's smile again...I am sorry you are so uncomfortable, and like the others, I wish I could be there to wait on you, to help you pass the time of your confinement until you are on your feet once again.  I pray all goes well when they take the cast off...sending strength and love.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Lynn, it is a very beautiful stone that depicts the essence of Kayla. Very pretty flowers as well. The bouquets around the side/ top of the heart are placed perfectly in precision with love from Kayla's Mom.

 

Betty, currently I am a couple hours from NYC, as I have been my entire life. We have commuter's here that board the Martz bus for the 2.5 hour ride into the city each day. I couldn't do that I know. I've never been to central park and look forward to your pictures. The last time I was in the city was at the invitation of my SIL, a member of The Church of Latter day Saints.I was allowed to visit the new Temple. Absolutely, stunningly beautiful. Not being a member myself, this was an exceptional experience. I am glad I wore the ole walking shoes that day.I have considered a bus trip this winter season. I will see.

 

Colleen, happy, happy birthday to Aaron !

 

Bonnie, good to see Jason today.

 

Sherry, Marcia, hope you are both well and Marcia, a hope that you heal without further worry.

 

Lorri, thinking of you today.

 

Stephanie's mom,  very moving and how frightening for you. as it is for us all, in one way and form or another, may you find some peace as you join us here. I will share  the death of my son Rich later. Today I live in memory of his life, tomorrow, or even not the next minute I may not.

 

Wildwood By The Sea, New Jersey aka the shore. We spent some vacations here. Rich had stopped in to see his cousins a couple months before he died. I went there after he died. I think I was looking for him.

 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

[mysonrich]

Marcia, I can hardly believe my eyes. There is a yellow butterfly fluttering around outside. In November. It must be Bethany.

[bjsmom]

Colleen, i just had to say how happy i am that AJ had such a good turnout. You mentioned how different Brian & Aj are. I believe i know exactly what you are talking about. I am going through something similar, yet the ages are different. My middle son Dane, who will be 10 soon, seems to have changed somewhat lately. He was always shy & quiet, but lately it's more of a fear. He's afraid of hurting others feelings, he will not take up for himself even when his younger brother aggravates him, he let's everyone walk all over him and he never just speaks up for himself. Bj was quiet and extremely laid back but not really shy and he had tons of friends. My youngest is the complete opposite of both Bj & Dane with a personality of a clown. He's not shy at all, he cannot keep a secret, he's never met a stranger and he will tell you exactly what he thinks. To tell you the truth it's so confusing when Zach is so loving & open yet Dane is so quiet & reserved. I worry so much about Dane, i find that i go to him more & more just to get something out of him. I feel he has so much to say, yet he says so little. I just want him to open up to me, to come out of his little shell. But then I think, maybe that's just his personality and who am I to say it's not right? I just don't want to see him hurt or get hurt in the process of life. I do worry about him so. Bj was always closest to Dane, spending time with him or helping Dane finish a Playstation game. It was always Bj that Dane asked about, "mom when is Bj coming home" or "mom, where is Bj". I guess I never realized how much the big brothers or big sisters help mold these little ones lives, how much one life affects all. I'm worried...

Deneace(BjsMom)

Marcia(Bethany's mom)- I miss you here!

[zachysmom]

Well it's official my husband is now a judo player. He went to his first tournament on saturday. There were four guys including him in his weight class. He lost but in my eyes he won. Everyone including me didn't think he would even go out on the mats. He did and he did great for his first time. Now he can't wait for his next one. May have to save up and buy an rv to use to get to the tournaments. I am so proud of him.

[briansdad]

I went out and bought the CD by Steven Curtis Chapman today. The one he made after his daughter died. Man does he sing what is in my mind and heart every day.

Greg

 

[ericasmom]

Deneace, I would say that your intuition into Dane is a guide for you and I would definitely talk first to the school social worker if there is one adn ask her opinion of therapists in the area. Dane is expreincing fear, and while you say, who are you to think his way is wrong, what I mostly hear is , I am worried and that you said he has changed lately. I think it might be useful and important for Dane to find a way to express his worry, his wonder as to where BJ is now. Is he afraid to do anything that would make BJ not proud of him? Who knows, and with a child who is shy to begin with, it is doubly hard to get them to express their worries. I do know however, that kids do many things to make things "right" for everyone else. Some compulsive/obsessive behaviors show themselves in kids who have had trauma or excessive worry. I would follow your initial instincts, these are usually pretty darn good.

Peace Dear,

dee

[Guest]

Just a couple of things I've learned from my grandchildren:

1)  Dinosaurs have their own heaven.  They can't be with the people or they'd squish them, so they have their own heaven.  (Declared by 8yr old Mariah.  An overly animated pontificator)

2)  I was born to be brave.  (5yr old Jonathon)

3) God just chips away the bad things a little at a time and then puts good things in and pretty soon there's no more bad things.  But, you have to look for them - the good things.  (Mariah, in reference to recovery from the abuse inflicted on her)

4)  It's okay to cry (7yr old Jasmine as we talked about her mommy)

[daveydow1]

Lisa, my baby,........Today is your ANGEL DAY. Many years since you passed

over into heaven. You are always in my heart & soul.  Play among all the angels.

The love never dies, sweet baby. God Bless You...... Until we meet again.

      Lisakayesmom,  Sherry   

 

          Lisa Kaye  ........... age 4 mo.     May5, 1970------Nov.15, 1970

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, My husband brought a copy of Steven Curtis Chapman's CD for me too, and I LOVE IT!! Tears fall as I listen to it, BUT it reminds me also how beautiful Joey must see things now...FREE from all of THIS! It's comforting in a very special and deep way.

Susannah, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had words right now... But I don't.

To All, I'm here and there, and everywhere... Still the ups and downs of the roller-coaster after such huge life-events...

xoxoxo ~Claudia