Loss of an Adult Child

[kalimac]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user]

Hey, I like your idea! You brought a smile to my face this morning and I needed one!

You know we went through some difficult three years with our son and his cancer . . and we watched him grow from a Junior in high school into a wonderful young man . . all while he struggled with cancer and treatment options . . but he grew right before our eyes. We were so, so proud of him of the way he handled his disease . . and, eventually the way he handled his coming death. We are still proud of him . . but I don't know if most people would understand that . . we did not feel sorry for him . . not were we seeking sympathy . . we genuinely felt proud of him and still do. We wish he was still here, of course, but we are at peace with the man he became and his short but beautiful life.

Thank you for sharing this idea . . even if it was said jokingly . . among those of us here there is truth in this.

Love and peace to you all today,

Patty R

Mom to Nathan, dx 3.05, Stage IV DSRCT

Passed away: 2.11.08

[ericasmom]

Dear Bonnie,

I know the anxious feeling of approaching the anniversary of your baby's leaving. It is like no other feeling and the constant question of how is this possible, why is this possible? I don't get to know the why of it I realize, but the how is it possible, still is my question almost 5 years later. Life does go on even when you do not want it to, and one thing you can do is make sure that the family around the table, friends too, know that you need to hear Jay's name spoken. You need to hear about their memories. He is always going to be Jay no matter on Earth or not, so please do not stop talking about him, he is real.

I did this at the onset, I knew I needed to hear ERi's sweet name and all of the stories, and I am lucky that everyone follows suit.

If you and your family want to darken the house and hide do it, if you want to go to his favorite spot and weep, do it. Do not feel that you should know what and how you want to meet that day, the only way to know is to be in it adn you are not there yet. Be kind to yourselves, he would insist on that. Whatever you decide, I will promise you that time will allow more of the good feelings to fill your hearts.

Dee

[summergirl]

mamabets - thank you for the hearts - hearts connected like those here at BI. I sometimes feel as though there are windows in my heart and the people here can see into them - not the people that I deal with every day. The people I deal with outside of here are scared of my loss - they do not know how to talk about "Jessica" therefore we do not talk about her. But I have said this before. I am glad that you are always with me - I sometimes day dream in my mind of a big BI reunion where we would all get to meet each other face to face - a big open field, tons of flowers, bright sunshine, lots of food and no one else around - just all of us with our Angel memories and our hearts wide open - hugs for all!!!

Heartbeataway - I want a bumper sticker that says "Proud Parent of an Angel" - I am so going to get one - there is a website I found that makes vinyl sayings for vehicles, walls or just about anything you want to put it on so I am going to order one - I will take a picture of it and post it to all. Thanks for the idea, I love it!!!

 It seems as though every where I go there is no place to let myself be who I am except for here - if we are at a family gathering then "Jessica" is not mentioned, with friends and family if I mention Jessica they move on to another subject - they are so uncomfortable with the fact that I lost my beautiful daughter and I want to talk about her, remember her, hear special moments someone had with her - am I BAD!! why can't they let me be who I am now - we all know I am not the person I was before Jessica left - this is now Kathy after Jessica - what do they want from me - ok it's been 2 years so now it's over, it only upsets you if we talk about her although I have no idea how they would know what upsets me if they don't try or ask!!! Anyway it is a mute point isn't it - no matter how hard we try "they" just do not want to step over the boundries that they have made for themselves - do not cross the line of making themselves uncomfortable!! I am rambeling but sometimes the anger just gets the best of me and as we say here " I can be who I am, when I want, feel what I want, say what I want" and you are all here with me as I am with you.

I hope that someday I can open up about the "other" part of my life - right now it is too hard and not the time - maybe as I grow some more I will be able to "talk" about it and if that day never comes it will still be okay as I am excepted here for me now.

Love to all - Kathy

 

[ericasmom]

I agree with Kathy, I would like a bumpersticker that reads;

Proud Parent of an Angel...ERICA

Kathy, I feel that one of the hardest things for people is to deal withthier own discomfort with death. So many folks clear their throats, shuffle their feet, cast their eyes downward, when they are near a person who lost a child, as though it is contagious. Death happens, but it certainly doesn't mean our babies don't exist. Too bad if others cannot deal with the concept, we have to live with it. I am all for talking about my daughter and I figure that if people cannot take it, they can walk away. It is at that point, their problem. My students ask me questions about Eri and they see a photo of her with drawings she made at their same age. They know that they can sjpeak about her, sometimes they open a book that has her name in it and they acknowledge it. IT is music to my ears, it is honey aND gold, to be able to hear her name and to be able to share stories of her. There were two teachers at my school however, who after ERi died, were not able to discuss it and when I brought up my grief or my daughter in anyway, they would do the nervous habit thing. We were on the third grade team together and so met often. One day one of those teachers asked me where i got my necklace. I replied that it was the Chinese symbol for Beautiful Daughter and ehr initials and that it was made for me and given by ERica's Godmom. This teacher said; "Oh, leave it to you to make everyone sad." I felt slapped by that comment, and said simply, " My intention is not to do as you have said, but to simply answer your question. I also am not responsible for your sadness or your joy."   I never could warm up to her again, and I was thankful that she left our district the following year.

I wrote a story about a mom who lost her girl, and in it wrote about the neighbors and how they sheilded thier eyes from the woman as though this loss was contagious...WE have to insist however, with the people we love, to not exclude our children from the conversation...they are always going to be our children.

Peace,

Dee

[briansdad]

I wish someone would have some sort of public forum addressing the lepers' known as Bereaved Parents. I used to think it was just me being ultra sensitive. Then I get down on myself for being weak or milking the situation but it seems like many of us get wierd sometimes.I wish i was the type of personality who could just through himself into my work and not slip into the many funks I do.I was thinking today how wrong things are with brian missing. You know how with a triangle if you connect the three points it seems complete now with just my two children, the line from point to point  is just a line going nowhere. Is that nuts or what. At one of our bereaved parents meetings someone referred to the people who haven't lost a child as civilians. Sounds rather appropriate doesn't it.

Oh well let me get down off my box.

[heartbeataway]

Kathy, Dee, Patti ......... love you guys!

Windows into your heart ......... windows that some will stand outside and look into when they think you aren't seeing them.  Windows that shine with tears and break with hearts. Windows that sometimes need a good cleaning but we're too tired and don't know exactly what it takes to make them sparkle (if that's possible) again. Windows that reflect our grief, pain and heartache.

Hey, if there's enough folks that want a bumper sticker, I will have some made. There's discounts in quantities. Just let me know.

I will never let Jay be forgotten.  If it's an "empty chair" at the table or just a memory item on the table. But like I said in a "poem" I wrote for his birthday.  "Ask me why I grieve so I can say his name again."  ASK! 

Thanks guys!  Talk with you later.........JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Mikesmomrs, Carol,

   Thank you for visiting my son, Davey's, memorial site,  for your

kind words, and lighting a candle for him. It is hard to find the strength

to face each new day, sometimes, but with friends like you, and all those

here at BI, I believe we all somehow find the strength to go on though

our hearts are broken. Peace be with you, and that Mike and Dave are

in a place where there is no sadness, heartbreak, or time. Time weighs

heavy on us but not on our angels.

                                                 Daveysmom,   Sherry

[mikesmum]

To all - We do have a community that sees us as we are now....incomplete.  Its here.

Here is where I found it was okay to 'go with what I felt'.  When it came to Mikes birthday we had a family day. Some tears, some memories but definitely Mikes day.  For the first anniversary,  well we set off balloons at my granddaughters 9th birthday. (Mike died 3 days after her 8th). 

I have learnt though that unless someone has lived this experience or knew Mike personally it is unfair of me to expect them to 'get it'.  I wouldn't wish them this just so they would.  It never ends.  I recently ran into a friend.  I went to school with her and her husband.  Their kids went to school with Mike.  Last time I saw her I was a proud grandma, my job was great, Mal had entered my life and Mike was a dad!  So much to tell her.    This time, she asked how work was.....I felt light headed and I heard myself say, 'I don't work any more.  Mike died Jan last year'.  It summed me up.  The look of horror on Kayes face was enough....someone she knew had lost a child......she knew that child.  Its almost like, oh no you poor thing, than, I thank god I still have mine.  (my perception).  The conversation ended with Take Care of yourself.......

As for mentioning my beloved sons name.....I do constantly.  Its not to make others uncomfortable.  Mike while not physically here, is always part of my life.  His death didn't erase him completely.                                               MICHEAL MICHEAL MICHEAL - YO MICHEAL SHANE.....!!

Bonnie - As you approach anniversaries gathering etc....the best I can offer is .... whatever it takes to heal you.  If that means going with your sons friends to share in their tribute to your son, so be it.  If you want to draw the blinds, sit with your other half and cry...that's okay.  

I love the bumper sticker...........How about 'My other child is an Angel'  If not sign me up for Parent of an Angel!  Any other suggestion on how to include the siblings? 

Finally -to the many who found me on my first day and held me with their words, prayers and comfort. (Mammabets) Who opened my eyes (Greg), who know my heart (Kathy) and the many who continue to amaze me with insight and strength.  With you I am able to bear the inconsiderate, unititiated and ignorant. Thank you........

[daveydow1]

Ericasmom,

  Yes, I know just what you mean about family gatherings where people

do not dare to mention our child who is no longer with us. It's almost as

if they are thinking that they don't want anything to "spoil" the fun of the

gathering, so they just change the subject very quickly if our child's name

is mentioned by us. Your co-worker who was rude was only thinking of her

own comfort level when she said that remark. Your dear students must be

a joy to you in their sincerity and innocent questions. Bless them. After my

son, Davey, passed over, I didn't stay long enough at my job to run into

any thoughtless remarks as you have. As you say, we are not the same

people we were before our children passed, and some people can't really

grasp that fact. We must be true to ourselves, no matter what others may

think about "how" we should be or act.  Take care, Dee.

                                                     Daveysmom,  Sherry

 

[summergirl]

ericasmom - I am sorry for the harsh words spoken to you by another teacher but felt happy that you responded in the way you did - we ARE NOT responsible for making others sad or joyful and we certainly never intentionaly hurt someone else for any reason - we are just trying to be who we are now, the "community of the uncomplete" as Trudi said. I think adults should act more like children now and then as they are the ones who ask questions and give answers with complete honesty and are so innocent.

Briansdad - I get your triangle theory - mine is a square - 4 cornes that have now become a triangel and I want my square back. You are entitled to weakness, being ulta sensitive and even slipping into funks - you lost your son, your friend and you are trying to survive like the rest of us here so stay up there on your box and shout it to the world if you feel like it.

Bonnie - the "empty chair" - that is what my mom and dad do, the chair my brother always sat in remains empty at all gatherings - it is their way of having him there. My husbands side of the family chooses to ignore it - except for my two sister-in-laws who are young and they "get it" - this past Thanksgiving Jen, who is 28 decided to bring a beautiful glass candle holder and she lit the candle and told everyone that it was for Jessica and every time we get together the candle will be lit and stay lit until we all go home - I love her for that.

Trudi - my inspiration, my friend - I no longer expect others to understand how I feel and I do not want them too - I just need them to hear me, hug me, SAY HER NAME. I realize that they think it will just make me more sad or upset or whatever but they need to give me the chance - so I talk about her and say what I want and if they choose to support me ok and if they choose to walk away ok. I too have had to deal with seeing someone who did not know that Jessica left us - the look on their faces is enough to send me to my knees but I get through it. We are the community of the incomplete but we are all still breathing and living and trying our best to move on with our lives while still honoring the child who has left us.

Sign me up for the bumper sticker - we can make a list of the things we would like it to say and then we can all choose.

Much love and prayers - kathy

[summergirl]

Just wanted to tell all of you that the new niece has a name - the new mommy just called me and her name is "Madison Jessica Bennett" - I am crying with joy - Jen told me they were hoping to adopt a girl as they wanted to name her after Jessica - my heart is happy!!! They should be home by the weekend so will meet her sometime next week -

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica - I love you my girl!!!

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I thought they might just want to honour the beautiful Jessica....and they did.......

Tears of joy I am sure mixed with a little heart ache.......I know Jess is bouncing about the clouds........so proud her family still honour her in so many ways.........

 

[lindseysmom]

I would love a bumper sticker Parent of an Angel   Lindsey Marie....Great idea I love it

[lindseysmom]

Proud Parent of a Beautiful Angel.......xoxo  to all Lindsey's Mom...

[ericasmom]

I really love the way the bumper sticker has taken off here, we love that there is yet another way to say that we will always be proud of our kids. Hooray for this.

I do not think Brian'sdad, that you are being ultra sensitive, when we lose a child there is nothing protecting us once the shock wears away...we learn then to find ways to actually breathe and walk at the same time, as though we are aliens to this land, everything is new, everything is different, foreign and abstract. I have heard that those who are on the outside of this ache are called civilians, we were all once civillians, but now we are 'in-country'  a different place where our experiences have created a community of people that speak a kind of language that only those of us living here, understand fully. And like the soldiers that came back from wars in the past and the horror in Iraq and Afghanastan, no civillians will fully realize what they go through each day to get by. Our own 'war-stories' have filled pages, have helped convince others to hang on in the bleakest of moments, have caused us to shake our heads in agreement, and to even laugh with one another, and we have bonded  in these times through the love of our angels.

If you like to read there are several books that I feel are quite cathartic; Name all the Animals, a memoir

Paula, a memoir

and right now I am reading Eat, Pray, Love which I am finding lovely.

May everyone rest with sweet dreams this night,

oh and what nice news to sleep with , a new baby with Jessica's name honoring your pretty girl. Won't it be lovely to hear; Madison Jessica? One of my nieces had a girl the year following Eri's death, and they named her Nayeli Erica. I love hearing her name.

Night Everyone.

[isabelle]

Briansdad,

One solution to separate us who grieve and live in another world from those who are 'normal" would be a mark on our bodies. Perhaps a tatoo of a broken heart on our forehead. I would do it.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[isabelle]

The bumper sticker is a great idea. Can we make individual ones using materials from a craft store? My plan is to get a personalized license plate for my car that reads, 'Ray'sMom"

Isabelle

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ Madison Jessica..How beautiful!!! A sweet little angel on earth, for you to look at each time and know that your Jessica's heart has carried her to you!!

I am so sad to have "met" you here...So sad, yet I know how things like this feel..We all do~ Bittersweet, yet you will know a deeper joy...Once we have known the depth of a sadness, and there is no deeper than losing a child, for some reason when a joyous occassion happens, and Madison Jessica's arrival most certainly is one, the depth of the joy is felt deeper.

I was told this once by a grief and loss counselor and she had had multiple losses, plus the "professional", if you will, training, and I remember thinking..."I love her, but I am not sure where this thought is going to take me..."

And then came weddings of Danny's cousins, Jackie, his sister, my daughter, marrying again, new babies, new homes that they are all creating, new laughter amongst them all...

How close will they be living to you??

This wee one will help to soften this awful, absolutely horrendous, life blow... Her little baby powder smell and her little squeaks will grab a hold of your heart, and the gratefulness for ANY  amount of peace will stop you in this grief walk and it will whisper to you "Peace for this moment...You are allowed to feel this joy"

To watch Tavian hold her and smile... Can you hardly wait???

You will then, once again, see, feel, and hear your Jessica, as she softly whispers to your heart...

The picture below is Julia {Danny's niece- His sister's daughter}, holding Audrey, {Danny's cousin's baby}..So sweet~

OOPS- Look at me here- !! Jess and Mike together somehow- Mikesmum and Summergirl!!!

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For All~ Ask briansdad about the decal that he did for my car!!!!! I have tried to send the picture of it, but it is too large~

At his former place of employment, he made a decal for my car...A few for that matter!!

Greg- Take this away and tell them all about it!!

There is a picture of it on Danny's website- www.daniel-pallick@memory-of.com

Just click and you will find it under the photo section.. I have a white VW Passatt wagon, and it is in the back window- Every time I look in the rearview mirror, it is NEVER reversed as one would expect, looking backwards in a mirror!

RATHER AWESOME!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ In talking with some family members about Linda's Stage 2 diagnosis, there is much hope...Much hope~

I am prayimg for all of you and sending worlds of love~

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For raysmom~ I lopve the license plate idea too..Very, very great in our world of not so great....

Not so great, amen... Anything that can help us, we must run with it...The slightest, or biggest, we must take it and run...

I bet if all of us got online and googled, "Bumper stickers for grieveing parents", something would come up..

?????

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ Aliens to this land...

WOW~ You have hit this right on the head!! One foot here and another here, there and everywhere with our angels, does put us in a place of alien like living, without question~

I have said soooooooooo many times..."OUCH, I have one foot here, one where Danny is, and I will never, ever, ever know how to do this...NEVER"   

LOVE

mamabets

[heartbeataway]

Mikesmum,

Jason was my only child. "My Other Child Is An Angel" wouldn't work for me. Any other ideas? 

I know that not everyone "gets it". I do think that my sister and my friend who came to the house within minutes after I called her ......... I do expect them to "get it".  Am I being too hard?  Set me straight if I am.  I need it!

Thanks!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

I am so happy for you.  I could almost "hear" the excitement in your posting.

Congrats on your new neice!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[wyomingsal]

proud parent of a Heavenly child? 

Thats how I describe my boy. 

Sal

 

[briansdad]

Well we could get window stickers that says "angels are forever".

[bigmikesmom]

how about "a special angel is watching over me"

Patti

PS

My license plate says LUV U 22    mIKE'S SOCCER #

THE KIDS AT BARRY UNIVERSITY MADE WINDOW DECALS FOR YOUR CAR, FOR $10 EACH, THEY ORDERED THEM FOR PEOPLE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY THAT WANTED ONE. I'LL TRY TO SHOW A PIC OF IT.

[mikesmum]

Betsy - the images tell the story that reflects the depth of love and loss.  Your Danny is never far.  Just look at those baby girls.

Its Kathy (Summergirl) with the beautiful new baby in the family.  I belive Mike and Jess have found each other.  Togethre they watch over Tavian and Mikes girl Harmony.  

Take care - enjoy your extensive family and know in your heart Danny is your strength.

Trudi

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ Isn't that wild how i just went on and on in thaty post today, clearly to both of you, yet knowing that Kathy/summergirl/Tavian are welcoming this new baby, as well as all of them...

I do believe that Mike and Jess have found each other too...

Little "Harmony"... Such an extension of his love!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

[summergirl]

Bonnie - a tatoo of a heart on our forehead would certainly get the attention of others but they still probably would not "get it". I'm not sure there is any way of anyone "getting it" except for those who walk this road with us. But I like your idea!

mambets - mikesmum and summergirl together as one most times - I do believe that Mike and Jessica have found each other and are smiling down upon us each and every day when they are not busy helping others to smile. To hold my new niece is going to feel like a miracle to me and yes I know I will see, feel and hear Jessica whisper to my heart - she has already done so in many ways that I have not been able to grasp as the pain is so enormous, but, I have come to understand that by taking the time to stop and breathe and listen we can hear the whispers in the wind. Tavian does not yet know about the new baby, I am going to suprise him when they come over with her - it may cause a little trouble as he has asked me if we could get a brother for him to which I had to think a little before I could tell him NO!! I said "wouldn't you much rather have a furry little kitten to hug" and he said yes - so I guess I did ok!! 

Jason and Jen live 45 minutes away so that is nothing here in New York except in the summer time but I believe I will be just fine traveling!! I am already thinking of the first time I get to babysit for her and of course I will need to keep her overnight. My heart has felt some peace since Jen called last night and we both cried as she told me her name - every one in the family could not understand why they wouldn't tell them her name but they wanted Barry and I to know first - I am blessed.

Trudi - innocent babies, warm sunshine, sand in between the toes, chocolate and coffee - my kind of day!!!!

Ericasmom - thank you - it is going to be wonderful to hear the words Madison Jessica, I am sure most will call her Madison but I will always say Madison Jessica.

to all - "laughter is a way to break from the tears and sad feelings for a while!!"

Blessed be to all and as soon as I can I will post a picture of Madison Jessica.

Kathy

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Your photo of Julia holding baby Audrey is just adorable. She looks like

"the little mother", and looks so comfortable with the baby. She has had

lots of practice since her little sister, Caroline, came into the world.

For Briansdad,

 I am praying for Linda. 

 

For all,

 Congratulations to those who have new babies in their families. These

little angels bring a lot of joy & hope, along with all the other  dear tots.

All our angels in heaven must be looking down with smiles.

Peace to all.          

                          Daveysmom, Sherry             

[summergirl]

going to try and post a picture of the bunnies and chicks we did for Jessica for Easter - hope it works - Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Re:  the bumper stickers

How about, "Lost A Child, Gained An Angel"

Rich and I have window clings that say, "In Loving Memory of Our Son, Jason Michael Holloway, October 27th, 1975 - April 28th, 2008"

Everytime we look in the rear view mirror, we see it.

Have a good weekend guys ....... and thanks so much for being on the other end of my keyboard!

Love from one grieving parent to another, JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Brilliant says it all........

Kathy - Nice move with the kitten...I would do almost anything for my Grandbabies, with the exception of giving birth at 50++.  Definitely with you on the chocolate, coffee, sand and sun......Just Breathe..........hhhmmmmmm

The sun is shining here.....my rattiness is running at an all time high....Back to court with the company Monday.  The Coroner is leaning towards holding an inquest into Mikes death, apprently something just isn't right.  That is scheduled for April.  It never seems to find an end. Wouldn't it be great to hear they got it wrong.....he's just waiting for me around the corner....sorry.....I digress and dream so more..

To all those whose lives are now touched by a new soul....look deep into their eyes...they have been here before and found you for a reason.........

Trudi

[heathershope]

Just checking back in.  Looks like I missed some great discussions on how to set us apart from the "normal" world.  Lots of great ideas.  My husband and I have been looking into personalized plates but there's nothing that could say to the world we are grieving parents.  We do have decals that one of Heathers friends had made and gave to everyone.  They are on the back of cars all over Grand Rapids.  They have a cross with LIVE-LOVE-LAUGH inside the arms and on either side of the cross is OCT 29, 1985 on one side and MAY 12, 2007 on the other.   Above the cross is IN MEMORY OF and below the cross is HEATHER LYNN INGRAM in a curved pattern so the whole decal is a big circle about 5-6 inches in diameter.  It's beautiful and I was so happy she went out of her way to this for us. 

Still you kinda wish you could wear an arm band or something like in the old days.  Somethings that says "Hey pay attention to my pain".  I feel so surreal so much of the time.  I wonder if people can look at me and know I'm screaming inside.  Can they see the pain in my soul by looking into my eyes?  Sometimes I try and will them too.  I know it sounds crazy but I just want them to know that even though I am walking, talking and carrying on my life I am a wounded soul who's constant companion is sorrow, even in times of joy.  But you can't go through the grocery store yelling "I may look normal but I'm not, my daughter died" I guess you could but I suspect there would be some uncomfortable repercussions

KALIMAC:  I liked what you wrote about the pride in watching your son.  I know exactly how you feel.  I am so proud to be able to call myself Heathers mom.  She was such a courageous and loving young woman and her good qualities continued to grow and mature with her all the while she was fighting what she knew to be a losing battle with cancer.  Still she perservered and she won with her grace and dignity.  One thing I can say with certainty is that Heather died with DIGNITY beyond belief.  I was as proud as I was broken, still am.

Heartbeataway:  I love your moniker by the way.  I hope as your anniversary date approaches you find the strength and the perserverance to get you through.  Our one year anniversary is May 12 so I am in the dreaded countdown myself.  I think if you "listen" you will get a sign/idea on just the right way to honor your precious child.  Still you dread it, what parent should ever have to figure out how to honor their childs death.  One of the women at a support group I go to calls it her daughters "Angel Day" the day she became an angel.  Sounds better than the day my child died. On my calender I have it marked as Heathers in Heaven 1 yr today.

TO ALL:  You all amaze me with your insights and wisdoms.  Anytime I come online and read I am just like "Oh yeah, that's a great idea" or "wow, what a great way to put it" etc.... Of course their is also the heart break and the tears but what a great group to share them with.  Have a goodnight.

 

Terri

[mikesmomrs]

Reading all of the posts done in the last day or so, I feel as though I haven’t been reading or posting for 2 months…wow, I can’t believe all the posts over such a short time, almost like a “chat” room…isn’t it great how everyone can come together on an idea, just like that?  (the bumper sticker idea)  I think this common denominator---loss of our precious child--- keeps us united in thought as well as heart.  My vote for the bumper sticker would be for the “proud parent of an angel---Mike.”

 

I have been wanting to get a window cling…just hadn’t found the right design.  Last year, I found a license plate frame that I ordered…had looked at many, but most were plastic and didn’t seem very sturdy.  The one I got is stainless steel, so no rusting, and the letters are lasered on, so they won’t wear off.  I will try to post a picture.  

 

Terri, your comment “Still you kinda wish you could wear an arm band or something like in the old days” was exactly what I had said when we first lost Mike.  I thought at the time that I was weird because I wanted to stand up on a rooftop and yell at the world…”STOP!!  my son just died…STOP!!”  I was so relieved when I heard other parents say they felt the same way.  It just didn’t seem right that stop lights continued to change, cars continued to drive by, stores continued to be open…I was heartbroken, the world should stop long enough to acknowledge that he was gone, shouldn’t it?  

When I would see people with the yellow Lance Armstrong “Livestrong” bands (Mike wore one from when he first learned he had cancer, until he died), I wanted to scream that yellow wasn’t the right color anymore, black was needed now.  And, I got a black one.  From a grief support center, and it was engraved with IN MOURNING.   I vowed to wear it for one year, and I did.  Not one person asked me about it.  Not one.  I also wore a black “ribbon,” like the pink breast cancer ribbons.  Mine was black enamel, trimmed in gold.  I wore it all the time.  I had one on my coat and wore another on my shirt, every day.  ONE person asked me about the one on my coat…a salesperson.  She noticed it and said “Oh…, I know what the pink ribbons are for, and I think the purple ones are for a different type of cancer, but the black…” and as soon as she said the word “black” her eyes filled…she said “Oh, I am so sorry, you’ve lost someone, haven’t you?”  I wanted to just reach out and hug her, honestly.  I just looked at her and told her that she had just said the kindest thing I had heard in weeks…she acknowledged my loss.  When I told her it was my son, Mike, she responded so very kindly.  She told me that her mother and father had lost a daughter and she said it totally devastated them, and she never knew how they lived with it….one person, out of hundreds, reached out and helped me through a day… I still wear the ribbon, though I’ve put the black wristband away…I heard once that mourning and grieving are two different things, and I am trying, at Mike’s request before he died, not to stay “in mourning.”  But I will never stop grieving…how could I, I’ve lost part of my heart…

  Yes, we deal with family who does not mention Mike’s name, either.  Mike’s sister, Cathi, who is here often, talks about him, says his name, the children say his name, though his own children of course, say “daddy.”   I would never want to not hear it…hearing it keeps my broken heart alive.  

Kathy:  Love the bunnies and chicks…I know that Jessica must be smiling over them…I wish I could be there when Tavian learns about Madison Jessica…what a wonderful gift! 

Trudi:  Will be thinking of you on Monday and sending thoughts of strength and love.  

 Bonnie:  I am thinking of you as you approach your angel’s day…it is as others have said, you must do what you feel as you feel it.   It will come to you, what you want to do, at the time. 

April 14 will be 18 months for us, and for some reason it seems to be the worst yet…I have been a basket case, with emotions all over the place…days of crying, days of being angry, being lost, being back almost to day one.  I know that I will come through it; I know that I must.  I just have to figure out how.   

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

Mike's memorial license plate frame...the words "I will remember you" are from the song that Mike asked his sister to sing for him at his memorial service. She went to a studio to record it because she knew she wouldn't be able to get through it.  The upside of that was that he actually got to hear it before he died.  (If you can describe that as an "upside...")

 

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

I just got home from an evening out with my two sisters, Eileen adn Maryanne, two nieces, Laura and Kate, and Laura's best buddies, Caitlin and Bonnie, and one new great nephew, Xavier. About once per month I  get together with the ladies and now new boy to our family. We have boys too, but the girls keep the shopping/eating nights alive. Erica used to love these nights, and I remember the first few times I did this after she died...it was so very bittersweet. She was missing from the table and yet, I could feel her there, cheering us on, wanting us to be loud adn bosterous. And so we are, some of our retellings involve ERica stories and we laugh and on the way home I usually cry some as well. It isn't without pain as you know, but I will say that it is with joy that I gather with the girls from our family and carry on the traditions we put into place a long time ago, which was/is dear to Eri as it always was when she was physically here.

Today mixed in the joy of seeing everyone, I found out that a friend of mine, Jim, passed away while on vacation in Belieze. He and Jan, his wife, went there, I do believe it was his last wish before dying. He was sick for several years and he suddenly had to get to Belieze. He died there and this weekend we will gather at the same funeral home that we gathered when Erica died.  Jim is my ninth friend that has died in less than 5 years. This has a dizzying affect on one's heart and I can only be grateful that Jim is no longer in pain.

And so life goes on even for those in deep grief, and our job as my son and I discussed last year when we lost a friend, is to support the next family to travel this road. We are experienced in the realm of piecing together hearts.

Peace and sweetest dreams,

Dee

[wyomingsal]

My husband had a decal put on the back window of our trailblazer. 

In Memory of

Joshua L Heyer

9/26/96-7/20/07

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Where in New York do you live? I have a niece in the city!!

Oh, that sweet little baby..On her way~

45 minutes is always a way to find a snuggly cuddle- I know that Tavian will LOVE her...Precious little Tavian!!!

SOOOOOOOOO bittersweet Kathy, so we'll just try to grab on to the "sweet" part when we can~

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For daveysmom~ Yes, this is one of our classic pictures of Julia and Audrey together...

Now that Caroline is "1", she makes Julia GIGGLE beyond words!!! The 2 of them in action- Very funny, even though they are 8 years apart!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For wyomingsal~ Your decal is very similar to mine from Greg...

Bless sweet Joshus forever...

My son-in-laws name is Joshua- One of my favorites, as he and the name are so awesome..Such meaning behind it~ xo

Such sadness all around us, but I LOVE feeling Danny in my car with me...And, I do~

His first car was a burgundy mustang- These cars appear EVERYWHERE when I am in the car, and other times as well..

Early on after his accident, a mustang the EXACT same color was going out of our neighborhood as a Jeep EXACTLY like Danny's last vehicle was coming in~

BLEW me away~  Things like this do not blow me away anymore~

Our angels are everywhere, I believe, yet it doesn't make this "missing them" any easier.

A life chore that we must continue to do for our loved ones that are with is still...And, loving all of them is so natural. I don't know where I would be without the love of my family..

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ Go REDSOXX, GO, says "Sweet Caroline"

Well, she is starting to "jibber", so one day soon we can work on it!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ I , too, have a sister Eileen..Such a beautiful name, such a dear sister and friend~

The gatherings can be tough. I was recently in Florida with about 75% of my family, and it was so very obvious that Danny was missing. It was so joyful, so wonderful, so fun, so special, yet when I came home I said to my husband...

"I felt his absence so much"

Like another sister of mine has said..."It is so conspicuous, because his presence was larger than life- He lit up a room"

He did, and he still does.. There is a street light that has flickered at me from day one, when I am out with my dogs at night...

I can talk to it, cry to it, and it will give me many messages, as it goes on and off, and the others surrounding the entrance to where we live, stay on...

I showed it  to a friend that came to visit us in early December, and she was preparing to leave at 5 AM..

She said "Whoa...OK, now if this happens I will not believe it"

And, it did...I talked to "the light", and on and off it went, as it showed it's magic!!

Magfical, yes..Do I miss my Danny beyond words??

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OUCH!!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Thank you for lighting a candle on Danny's website..Thank you, too, Trudi..I love to see his candles burn so brightly~

It is so amazing how we have all come together here...With all of the ways that we celebrate our kids, if we look at all of the things that we continue to do either for them, or with them, therefore both, we can't help but feel them around us still. They have helped to "show the way", and while the pain is just unbearable, somehow we continue to all gather, whether right here or on the mountaintops, and celebrate them.

This "losing at life", as I call it for us, truly is their gain...

Jackie called me yesterday and said that she was watching John Edwards, the medium, and the show was a repeat of a couple who had lost a child. The Mom said that she gets through this, knowing that she had had these years WITH him..That is how she now survives here without him...

Jackie was very inspired by this, and I understand it. So many, many, many feel this way, yet the MISSING them is just so excrutiating.

I admire all of you that have joined this board early on in your journey. I couldn't get up from the floor, it seemed. Hospitilized as well...

You all give me hope~

LOVE

mamabets 

[mikesmum]

Mammabets - it took me 3 months to find this place, this Nirvana of support, wisdom and understanding.  Your posts were amongst the first I read.  The pictures of your babies and grandbabies show the depth of love within your family.  Danny most certainly surrounds you all.....those beautiful girls.

Carol - love the number plate.  Any suggestions on where I might begin to find someone who does this work?  Not sure about the SOXX thing, but then I come from the land downunder!  I know what you mean about things continued on.  I spoke with Lauren (Mikes ex) the day Mike died......she was waiting for the 'breaking news ' on the television to confirm that Mike had died.....but it was just the news, nothing about Mike.   

The band sounds brilliant.  Steven, Melissa, my Brother Bill and I all wear a blue band, put on the day of Mikes Funeral. 

Steves brother-in-law asked him one day why he wore the 'girly' bracelet'.  Without blinking an eye he said "My brother died and this reminds me everyday that he is still with me!"  Add that guy to the 'just don't get' group!!

Stay with it guys, without even trying we are the community of those who have lost.  Strength in numbers, never alone....all these things I find here.

Trudi

[ericasmom]

I love all the decals and plate ideas, the bumper stickers...my goodness the wealth of creativity at this site.

As Trudi said, this place where we gather holds our hearts iand spirits with abosolute tenderness, and the safety here is like an old warm blanket, wrapping us up in the knowing of our freedom to be who we are now. No fake anything here and that is what has helped each of us so fully. We needn't worry that we are making others sad, or that we are not fun or lively anymore, here we are in our skin and we dance across the screen to each other.

Bets, I love the name Eileen as well, and Erica is Erica Eileen. She loved that she had her aunties name. Eileen was in surgery with me when I had a c-section to deliver Erica Eileen. She was a nurse and had to get permission to be with me. Memories that are like treasure to me. As soon as I saw Eileen's eyes open so wide, so blue, I said; What? and she said, " It's not Andrew!" We were so sure we were having another boy adn loved the name Andrew and Drew for short, but there ERi was, not being Andrew.

When ERi was hit and there were 5 days of waiting and gathering and goodbyes, ERi's first real LOVE rushed back to Michigan as he had left to go home to Atlanta two days before Eri was hit. His name is Andrew.

I am looking out onto a beautiful blue sky, big puffy clouds hanging in the east, snow melting from rooftops, and tiny buds  on some of the trees. A robin sits on the roof outside my window, looking in. Hi Erica.

I go back to school next week, spring break will be over and the very busy last trimester of 3rd grade will be on and so I will be here less but want you to know that I will carry your stories and your angels with me as I go.

My heart,

Dee

[briansdad]

We played this song at last years car show during the balloon release.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6sxTAArBX0

[mamabets]

For ericasmom~ My sister Eileen is a school teacher as well!! Could be the 3rd grade- I will find out later!!

I have so many school teachers in my family..I had all I could do to get THROUGH the 3rd grade, as I am now appraoching 53!!!

I kid you not!! Common sense, yes!

Book smart?? Nope!!

I was born with such a gift of laughter. I remember when I laughed for the first toime after losing Danny, and I felt so uncomfortable. I lost my breath...

I can laugh today until I cry, and I can cry until my eyes burn... They feel as if there is soap in them...

I thank my life today for all of you... You help to give me strength, when I feel as if all of mine has left me for good... 

The CafePress.com website has license plates that you guys can choose from... Really beautiful ones, and then you can personalize them...xo

LOVE

mamabets

FRIENDS bracelet.bmp

[heartbeataway]

mamabets, talking to the light ........ it made me smile yet was very touching.

Terri, armbands........ interesting idea. I had a pin that was sent to me. It's an upside down heart.  It's black. The premise is that if we had a broken leg, we would have a cast. Something that folks could identify with and understand that we might not be able to move as quickly or might need some help opening the door,  etc.  When you're grieving, no one can see your broken heart. The pin is a symbol of that grief. I wear mine everyday. I also have a memorial pendent that has some of Jay's ashes in it. My husband and I both have one that we wear.  We wear a green wristband for organ donation.  Jay was a donor.

mikesmomrs - I like your plate. Very cool idea.

wyomingsgal - nice window decor.  Ours is not as big.

briansdad - Radios in Heaven ......... I really liked it. I've liked all the music you've chosen!

mikesmum - new souls, look deep into their eyes, they've been here before ......wow!

Why is it that every month on when it gets close to the day that Jay went away, I have such a hard time?  Today is eleven months since his heart beat.  I told my husband that sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of falling into a deep pit. And it's all I can do to hang on. I'm on the edge today. I hate that this happened! It's just a hard day in life and I think it's going to rain.

I miss you Jay ....... I miss you....... I just miss you.

[mikesmomrs]

Briansdad:  thanks for sharing the clip…two of Mike’s favorite things in this world were music and movies.   I felt his presence with me as I listened to this and watched the video…loved the graphics, especially the notable segue into brilliant color.  A really great song.

Trudi:  this is the link to the company that made Mike’s plate frame.  They are chrome with lasered lettering.  A lot of plates have vinyl lettering, and it does wear off, but the laser letters don’t fade. A little more expensive, but mine looks as good today, two winters later, as the day I got it—http://www.licenseplates.tv/prod/chrome_license_plate_6059.html

As for the GOSOXX plate, that was special for Mike, as the Red Sox baseball team was his great passion and he brought all of us into it as well.  After Mike died, when I went to renew my car registration, I decided to finally go with “vanity plates.”  My choice was +REDSOX+ and when I looked it up, it was listed as “available.”  But when I went to get it, the clerk told me the plate was listed as available, but it wasn’t “off the road” long enough to be redistributed.  She was very helpful and kept typing in all sorts of Red Sox combinations until she finally got GOSOXX to come up as available and assignable.  By that time, disappointed that the original request was not available, I just said “Okay,” without thinking about it much.  It wasn’t until the plates arrived two weeks later that I realized the significance of the GOSOXX:  When I opened the pkg and saw the plates, I remembered that this was a plate that Mike and I had seen on the road one day, on the way to a ball game in Boston.  It was a New Hampshire license plate, (we are from New Hampshire) and we had laughed and joked about the extra X, saying “Well whatever you have to do I guess…just keep adding X’s until you get a plate for the Red Sox!!”  And now, here it was going to be on my car, surrounded by honors for Mike…I do believe that he had a hand in getting this plate on my car!

 

Bonnie:  I am so sorry you are having a difficult day…I find these days are always there, lurking, ready to pounce, and sometimes there is nothing we can do but accept it and go with it until the time comes when we can let it go for a little bit again.  You are so close to the one-year mark; it is looming in your mind, I expect, and the days leading up to that are so difficult.  Mike will soon be gone for 18 months, and it is just as unbelievable now as it was almost 18 months ago.  I miss him so very much, and this week has seen every day bring tears.

mamabets:  I hope Jackie films her ‘jibber” so we can watch…she is such a delight! 

 

thinking of you all today.

love and peace,

carol