Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

DonnaMaria and Peggy's Mom, I believe that we wear a shock suit of a kind that surrounds us for the first two years. To face full on the loss of our child is too much for anyone to bare. Slowly the fog will begin to lift and the reality settles in. It is extremely overwhelming. Denial is a very common stage. You think you have been dropped into a bad dream that somehow will find you waking up and it is not real. You are both so new to all of this. We know how much pain you are in. I wish I could say something more helpful to take some of your sadness away. 

One day those phrases will give you some form of comfort. I can see why they are of little help right now. I felt the same way. Just try to get through one day at a time for now. Make sure you are taking as good care of yourself as you can. Try to eat and sleep as you are able. I, too, remember sitting in the car and having a rush of reality hitting me hard. It was crushing and I could not breathe. That will slowly ease up with time. Hold on with both hands and know we are all in this together. We care and support each other. Hang on. Keep posting.

Kate

[KJs Mommy Always]

Everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve been up here. I’m just checking in, and reading posts. It’s been 24 days since my beautiful boy passed away. I’ve been all over the place with grieving and I know it’s normal. On the days that I can smile or feel like I’m making progress in trying to adjust to this new life, I fall back into the hole because I feel guilty about feeling stronger. I return back to work on the 22nd, and I’m not sure how I’ll feel about being around so many people that knows that my son passed. I haven’t stayed in my house since he died. I went into the daycare building to pick up my 22 month old, and I noticed that they took his name off of the crib he used. They waited a solid 2 and a half weeks to do it though. They were only a couple rooms down from each other in the same daycare. I spazzed out so bad last night on my significant other, and just burst into tears and screaming crying. I miss my son so much. I wish I could have given my life for him so that he could have grown up and lived his life. I feel like I failed him. It’s not fair that he only lived to be 6.5 months old. I’ll keep all of you in my prayers, and I ask that you do the same for me and my family.

KJ sniffing and looking like Chucky

[Skay]

KJ's mommy, he is absolutely adorable. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

[KJs Mommy Always]

Thank you Skay. I’m also sorry for the loss of your son. I hope that you find a little peace and comfort on this site. We’re all in this together. God bless you and your family

[shorty16]

KJ's Mommy

Love, Love, Love this picture.

One day, this picture will make you smile.

When I returned to work, my boss and co-workers were very kind to me.  I also worked only 4 days a week for over a year.  

I hope you have the same experience I did.  My work friends wanted to help and understood me crying at my desk.  I hope you find work to help you to think of something other than your sons death.

My Brian's 27th birthday is tomorrow.  How can this be?  I am working from home tomorrow.

love to my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[4MyM&J]

Well, I thought I was actually doing ok. I was able to function a little more. Then I tried going back to work. Then I hit a month without my Michael, and I feel like I’m back in square one. The pain. This pain. I keep hoping that Michael will walk through the door and yell “mama” like he always did, but it hasn’t happened. I keep telling myself he’s at his dads house, but even that hurts because his dad is the reason my boy isn’t here anymore. I’m not sure how any of you have made it so far into your journeys. I’m a month in and feel like I just can’t do it anymore. My youngest keeps me going. He’s starting to act like his brother did. They were opposites, Michael was my sweet and kind baby, Jacks was more my hell on wheels child. Now Jacks lets me snuggle him, and he comes to give me hugs when he sees me cry. Today he saw me crying, hugged me, asked if I was sad for Michael, when I said yes Jacks went downstairs got Michael’s urn, and brought it to me. He then brought me a pillow, told me to lay down, and then covered me with a blanket. All of this sweetness from a 3yr old who loves to pelt you with legos. 

Yall, I’m struggling. I don’t know how to try to live without my boy. It’s not fair that I should have to try. He should be here, with his momma. And the fact that he isn’t, kills me. 

[donnamaria]

hugs 4mym&j its been a month for me too i know how you feel i miss my victor so much how sweet your jack is 

[donnamaria]

KJmommy  beautiful children 

[daveydow1]

Hello to all  INDIGOS..........I haven't been on BI for awhile, due to

computer problems.  I think if this doesn't straighten out, I will have

to take it in to the tech place and see what can be done about infections etc.

Or.....I may end up having to buy another one.

 

Donnamarie-----I, so,  understand your terrible grief and despair.....please 

just know that everyone here understands, and there may be  no words

that will give you much solace or comfort at this early stage, I know. 

 Please keep coming back. Peace to you, friend.

Brendansdad-------I am glad to hear that you had a talk with your mother. Sometimes, 

just opening up a bit with someone who is also feeling your loss can bring a measure

of comfort.   I hope that you and your doctor can work out a suitable medication plan

to assist you in this very painful and sorrowful time.

KJsmom----Thank you for posting the pic of your dear children. They are so beautiful.

I, too, kept asking myself.....when my baby Lisa died at just the same age as your sweet

baby boy........"why did she have to die...she was just an infant"?   The questions swirled

around in my head.  That was many years ago......   I do so wish there were words I could

say, but as a wise priest told me once.....There are no words.  Please keep coming to this

site.  It can help to relate to those who understand the pain and sadness that comes when

a beloved child leaves this world too soon.   I wish you peace.

 

4MYM&J------Yes,....this rough road involves some tiny steps forward, and often.....quite 

a few steps back, and we find ourselves in that dark place again.  The steps we take forward

are not lost, though it does feel like that in the early times.  Hoping you can find even one

little thing each day that will help you feel a little better,  Peace & comfort.

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom-------sherry

     

 

[peggy a sad mom]

Thank you Kate for the kind words. I'm trying the best I know how to survive this. As

Peggy

you all know it's not easy

[My girl is in heaven]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY DEAR BRIAN.  SPRINKLE A LITTLE SOMETHING DOWN ON MAMA TODAY. LET HER FEEL YOUR PRESENCE AND THE WARMTH OF YOUR GLOW.  COLLEEN...I KNOW FROM JUNE19th TIL TODAY IS A HARD MARCH.  BUT YOU MADE IT ONE MORE YEAR.  I HAVE MY ARMS AROUND YOU ALL DAY TODAY.  HUGS TO YOU DEAR  FRIEND.  

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Jeff's Mom]

Colleen, you are in my thoughts today as you remember Brian on this special day. I hope that the beauty of those special memories will give you comfort and a reason to smile. 

[Bea8924]

Colleen thank you for sharing Brians bday with us here. I wish him a happy heavenly birthday and may he bless you with a sign to comfort you in a day as special as today. 

Being that I'm new to a loved ones birthday that has passed, is there anything special that is done on a birthday? My daughter's bday is coming up in September 4 and I already feel like it's gonna be a tough day. 

[NiquesMom]

So i overshared yesterday.  Picking up the uhaul, talking with the girl about the different type's of insurance,  she says are you a good driver,  i said yes but i don't trust others and told her i have been in two cat accidents and my daughter was killed by a car so i know crap happens.  The look on her face,  I felt bad,  it was me thinking aloud,  and I shouldn't have said it.  

Uhaul is almost full,  we have to get rid of some things,  shelves mainly,  guess I got the wrong size truck. Leaving Colorado Saturday morning and trying to look forward to a new start.

[Brendan's Dad]

Happy birthday to Brian.  Thinking about you all today Colleen.  

I started taking a new medication yesterday.  I took a pill at 10:00 AM.  I honestly think I slept for one hour last night.  My legs was shaking, I had terrible stomach pain and feel absolutely awful.  Can I feel that bad from one pill that quick or is it in my head?  I called the doctor and the nurse said it could take up to two weeks for my body to adjust to this.  Ugh.  

 

[Tommy's mum]

for all of you in the first few weeks be strong and just take it a day at a time, hell sometimes even 10 minutes at a time. Allow your tears to flow and let out that firework display of emotions it is normal and healthy. What is not healthy is putting on a brave face all the time and the "appearance of coping," because all that achieves is a burial internally and a denial of what happened. Over time these locked emotions remain deep inside and will at some point in the future force their way out sometimes years later. grief simply has to be gone through, no avoidance no shutting down, feel it  and express it. Acknowledge your feelings, scream, shout, hit a pillow, whatever and then try to put them aside for a brief time to concentrate on something else. Revisit again when you need to. This strategy is helpful when going to work, allowing yourself some crying time then refocusing. Explain to co workers that you may need to take a few mini breaks just to clear your head so you can work. Some parents keep it all in until they get home and can safely let it all out, whatever strategy works for you as long as you allow yourself to break down and release the inner emotions. i know it sounds very "airy fairy " but it really is the key to recovering quicker from your loss and who does not want to feel better? So this is when we get members who are still struggling to cope years after, they have been locked in misery for all that time when if advised properly, given the right therapy etc and being able to let it all go for periods of time they could have shortened that horrible time in the pit of despair. You are all braver and stronger than you think.

peggy you made it to 6 months and expressed it so well "I cry every day but not all day". that is how most of us operate. I once read a psychologist's explanation on grief and trauma that was very clear. He said that all memories are filed in different parts of the brain, but traumatic and very painful memories are pushed to one side and not filed immediately because they are overwhelming and so out of your personal experiences. If they are not dealt with appropriately they can cause a long standing depression or rage or cause physical symptoms such as anxiety or panic attacks agoraphobia, social withdrawal obsessive compulsive disorder, anorexia, a whole multitude of things. By talking out your feelings, acknowledging what happened and how you acted, spoke thought and felt , puts the power back in your own hands. Repeating yourself even if it causes great stress and upset helps the brain process what happens and it will file it away in a temporary folder that can be opened as many times as needed until it is resolved and then will be put alongside all the other very difficult memories that you have coped with in the past. Hope that clarifies things a bit.

donnamaria I felt the same way you did and I really hated the words "your loss" because I had not been careless and lost my son he was taken from me against my will. However I use those words now for other members  because saying "death" or "died" are harsh words for newly bereaved parents who are too fragile to hear those. It took me a very long time to post  i could not type that my son was dead, killed or had died or use the words funeral or acknowledge Tommy was gone forever from this world. i could type feelings emotions and raw pain but over time and with therapy I was able to change all of that and can calmly state what happened. Those words are easier to type, they are still very sad words but they do not hold the power they once did. I am healing, but I am also nearly 3 years further on.. look at the older members posts they show the difference in outlook and talk of finding happiness again, they are the guides to show you how to grieve properly, how to recognize if you need more help and how to feel understood and accepted. Listen to the advice,try and read some of the books or blogs mentioned and educate yourself about grief and its impact, that is what you would do if diagnosed with a new disease or disorder. It is all about the learning, knowledge makes power and power gives you the confidence to take forward steps a little at a time. 

[ericasmom]

BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN- May your birthday bring you great joy and may the bitter be outshadowed by the sweet, because the day your were born is a beautiful day.

 

Colleen, thinking of you as you travel through this day filled by memories...may Brian's sweet smile land firmly in your heart

 

[ericasmom]

Brendan's Dad, did your doctor not have you slowly take the meds,like break the pills into halves and start with a week on half dose, and then add in? Ask the office if this is doable. When I went on I did quarters to start, one week, then halves for one week, slowly introducing th emeds to my body. I am hyper-sensitive to meds so weaning was the same way...slowly.

[Brendan's Dad]

Hi Dee.  No he did not.  I just took the entire pill both days so far and I am a hot mess.  Left work today to try to get some sleep, but just did the same thing as last night.  Cannot sleep at all.  I called office and left a message today. Just feel very very off.  

[Tommy's mum]

happy spiritual birthday dear Brian!! Spread some of your joy and give it to your family they need a sign to ease their sad hearts.

dee you gave the right advice to brendansdad  starting slowly and building up. What medication was it Brendansdad? Did you google it or read the instruction note and side effects that come with the medication? . If you are concerned ask the dr for a different medication. Antidepressants have a slow build up effect and may take 3 to 4 weeks to reach their full effect. The sleeplessness could be anxiety because you have made a decision to take medication  again and are overthinking it or you may be sensitive to that medication. good luck and let us know how you are getting on ok?

virginia good luck with your move. Packing up and making choices about what to take or leave can be emotional but you are being so brave and moving in the right direction in more ways than one!

[peggy a sad mom]

thanks lesley you always know what to see you and dee both

thanks

brendan's dad yes what is the medication. relax i felt nothing and in a few weeks my heart slowed down instead of pumping out of my chest. maybe the time of day is wrong for you too. if you are tired during work hour's you need to figure out what time you should take it to let you sleep and be awake during the day

good luck

peggy

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen....I know your amazing family will circle the wagons and you will wrap arms around each other to give each other care and comfort on this day....we all know what this day can do to a parent emotionally....but we are all thinking of you and yours. Stay in Peace. Stay in Grace.

[Rebekahs mom]

Brendans dad...i agree with others about the med...what is it? I tell my patients to start low and go up after a week or 2 when tolerated to full dose. Usually i advise at night or to start when not at work just to see how u react. Most side effects are transient and will subside over time. When i started mine i was off a bit too but anxiety much more tolerable now. 

[Brendan's Dad]

Thank you. The medication is called Sertratine or something like that.  It is a off brand of Zoloft I believe.  I have been taking it in the mornings.  Maybe night would make more sense.  The pill is actually in my pocket at work today.  I just haven't decided if I should take it.  It is 100 MG so maybe i will just take half before bed and try that.  

 

 

[ericasmom]

Holy cow Brendan's dad, 100 mil. Mine which was a different drug, was 10 mil. and I started out with 2.5...slowly getting to 10. Check the bottle again and let us know, we have enough medical folks here to help direct you. But don't take a whole pill regardless, it is too much too soon.

[ericasmom]

Just looked up your meds, here is what was suggested:

Usual Adult Dose for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Initial dose: 25 mg orally once a day, increased after one week to 50 mg orally once a day
Maintenance dose: 50 to 200 mg orally once a day

 

PLease look at this and cut that pill into fourths if it is a 100mg. Take only 1 fourth today, and one fourth tomorrow and onward for a week or so, until your body adjusts to that, then increase to 50...most folks stay at 50 but some go up to 100 or more, likely, a lower dose will work for you.

[Brendan's Dad]

The medication is call Sertraline and it does say 100 MG one time per day.  I honestly felt like I was coming out of my skin the past two days.  I have not taken it today yet and probably won't.  Maybe a half a pill before bed.  My stomach is a little better, but terrible headache today.  

[Missing my little man]

Hi everyone I lost my little man in October 0f 2017. He was onlu 15 months. My whole world has fallen apart he was the center of my universe.

[Brendan's Dad]

Wow.  Thank you Dee.  No wonder I was a mess.  

[Brendan's Dad]

Missing my little man.  I am so sorry for your loss and heartache.  You have come to the right place.  So many people here willing and wanting to help you.  We can all feel your pain and heartache.  Welcome to this club that nobody ever wants to be a part of.  I am so sorry for your loss. 

Brendan's Daddy

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia. So excited for your move, yes you talke all the memories, both good and bad with you, but a new town, new people, places, .  It’s a fresh start for you and your family.  Let us know how the move goes.

Brendans dad.  I’m sorry you ran into that fella when you seemed to be letting down a bit and enjoying for a moment. That must have been hard.  While that was a really huge trigger, there will always be something that tugs at your heart strings.  I’m not a nurse but I am on Sertraline as well.  I take 75 mg each morning. I don’t remember having any side effects when I started and I certainly don’t now but I remember they took 2 or 3 weeks to kick in and I was so depressed I got really anxious waiting for them to work.  I also take an other anti-depressant at night called Quetiapine 100 mg and zopiclone a sleeping pill.  I know it’s different for everyone , and I’ve been around the pill course for many years before I got a good doctor and right pills and dose age.  Sertraline has worked very well for me, been on since March.  A couple times I thought I was doing well enough I stopped them and it was only about a week I fell back into that pit of depression.  Stick with them, I so hope they will help you like they have me.  

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man. So sorry for the loss of your little guy. It’s so hard at the beginning , just taking a breath, getting thru one day, one hour or somethimes even a minute is all you can do.  Your going thru your year of firsts and that’s tough. I lost my very healthy 17 year old daughter 7 years ago to what the think was a heart arrthymia.  I remember those early days, where you lose your will to go on.  You can’t believe the sun can still shine or someone can be cutting thier grass when your baby is gone.  Please know you are welcome here and will always be held up , accepted right where you are on this journey, good days and bad, and yes it’s hard to believe now but eventually there will be good days.  Lean on us , tell us about your boy when you are ready.  Hugs

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Dear Missing my Man, I am sorry to welcome you here, but also glad you found a place to land, to rest in the stories and memories that are your Son. Please share his story/your story with us.

Brendan's Dad, I am so glad that you shared with us, many of us know that that amount should not be what you start with...shame on doctors for not being more cautious with people and how meds might affect them. Now you can slowly and more carefully take this medicine and find out if it is right for your system.

[Bea8924]

This is how I been feeling lately...

●The emotional numbness sometimes experienced in grief can feel especially disturbing because after a death you expect to feel so much.  You might wonder, “What is wrong with me?!?!  Why don’t I feel anything?!? Maybe I’m not a human being at all.  Oh no, what if I’m a sociopath?!?  Or a robot?!?”  Feeling nothing during grief is alienating and isolating because everyone else seems pretty in touch with their feelings.  You know you’re sad about the death, but you can’t actually access the emotions and so you feel different than others grieving the death.

Friends and family show up in support and say things like, “I can only imagine everything you must be feeling right now” and send you cards that say, “tears are a reflection of love”, and you feel guilty because you’re not crying.  Worse, you worry others will think you’re apathetic and question your love for the person who has died.

[peggy a sad mom]

missing my little man i too am very sorry you are here. none of us want to be here for sure. my son passed jan20th 2018 i miss him with my entire body and soul. if i could be with him tomorrow i would. just hold on like we are all doing we all have good minutes hours and some days. 

bea did you tell your doctor what you are feeling or not feeling. i have cried every single day for almost 6 months. i know none us love our children more then others. i hope it does not slow down your grief. we are all bad enough without adding to it

brendan's dad wow! my question is do you go to your doctor on a regular basis? doe's he know you?

thanks everyone

peggy 

[Tommy's mum]

brendan'sdad I also take sertraline in addition to my venlafaxine but I only take 50mg which is the smallest dose.I take it in the morning. My psychiatrist prefers to increase slowly if I should need it but I feel ok so prefer to stay at that dose. One should always start a patient on a low dose and slowly increase to optimal benefit. It is the same when stopping a drug most require a slow decrease until it is stopped because stopping abruptly can cause problems. a couple of us here are nurses so have some medical knowledge.

bea grief definitely numbs emotions and reactions. feeling an inability to cry is ok it is because you are too sad and still in shock, the tears will come when they need to.Since I lost my son I feel much more detached from things. I do not cry over sad stories in the news or act the same way that i did before. I am a Pisces and a former nurse so am very empathetic and quite a softie. Not so much now. When my dad had a stroke earlier this year and we thought he may die I was the only calm one, no tears i just got on with it. I think that is because when you lose a child the worst thing in the world has already happened so most things seem inconsequential in comparison and you almost get a fatalistic feeling like so what else can happen? Grief also changes who you are, you are never the same happy go lucky person you used to be but a quieter, more thoughtful ,more insular person. It takes getting used to the "you "that now exists. We are all changed ,but that is not to say that the new person you become will not be successful and find happiness again.Like everything else it takes time. Don't believe that others  judge you, they are not in your shoes so cannot understand what an immense life altering event child loss is. Anxiety and depression  tell you lies and make you doubt yourself. Your journey is your journey we are all different and that is ok.

missing my liitle man I am glad you have joined us here but also so sad that you qualify. The members are wise and compassionate and all at different timelines so you will never feel alone.

[Missing my little man]

I choose not to take medication for now. I don't want to forget my son. I feel like everyone else has. I am not going to be one of them. The memories are all i have now.

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my man. You will never forget your precious boy. Medication has helped me but took many years to get the right dr, pills and doseage.  Keep coming here.  Lean on us as we will hold the lantern for you, shine a little light, that you may not believe now, but will come some day.  Just hold on to us.

 

happy, happy Erifest today to dee as she honours her beautiful girl.  May your sky be filled with big puffy pink eri clouds all day. Holding your hand today dee as you do for all of  us.  Eri must be so proud to see her mama reaching out to every grieving parent  after all these years of pulling yourself thru.  Let us know how it goes dear friend.  Weather is good here hope it is where you are as well.  

Luanne....Kira’s mama

 

[My girl is in heaven]

These were from a few weeks ago, but know they will be all over today.  Eri-clouds

[donnamaria]

So we went yesterday to get the death certificate and the autopsy report certificate was ready but not autopsy report on the death certificate it has cause of death bleeding from fisula and it also has that its not conclusive with autopsy report since it hasnt come in my heart is shaken seeing bleeding fisula it was infected i dont know why they didnt take it out i asked them that the morning they told me they lost victors heart and they said a couple hours before his fisula was bleeding they gave him blood and his pressures were up on friday morning they woke us up early so they could put in a new line to do his dialysis before his surgery so why was the fisula bleeding when it should have never been used it was infected they said im not understanding this they put a new one in why didnt they take the old one out i cant stop crying to think if this caused his death it should of never happened its like im losing him all over again we have to wait for the autopsy report for there findings but to see this on his death certificate has me crushed im crushed the tears keep flowing i miss and love him so much 

[Missing my little man]

20 hours ago, My girl is in heaven said:

Missing my little man. So sorry for the loss of your little guy. It’s so hard at the beginning , just taking a breath, getting thru one day, one hour or somethimes even a minute is all you can do.  Your going thru your year of firsts and that’s tough. I lost my very healthy 17 year old daughter 7 years ago to what the think was a heart arrthymia.  I remember those early days, where you lose your will to go on.  You can’t believe the sun can still shine or someone can be cutting thier grass when your baby is gone.  Please know you are welcome here and will always be held up , accepted right where you are on this journey, good days and bad, and yes it’s hard to believe now but eventually there will be good days.  Lean on us , tell us about your boy when you are ready.  Hugs

Luanne....Kira’s mama

How do you go on when all you want to do is die so you can be with the one you love.

[Tommy's mum]

donnamaria I am sorry but what killed your special son does not really matter, the sad fact is that you lost him. Whatever caused his death happened and there was nothing different you could have done to prevent it. Sounds like the doctors did all they could but an infection was already present somewhere in his body and his immune system may have been compromised already by his condition. I understand reading the death certificate and the autopsy report is upsetting and has caused you more pain. Some parents do not want to read them because for them it will not change anything, some of us like the full facts, either is ok. Of course you love him and certainly you miss him, we all love and miss our child. It sounds like because of his health issues you were also his fulltime carer so there must be a big hole in your life now, more time on your hands. Use the time wisely to absorb the grief and process what has happened. I forget if you have other children or a husband/partner or is it just you on your own? This first year is the hardest one but you are doing well for where you are ok?

happy Erifest Dee. May the balloons light up the sky and take your love to where Eri is now. She will be smiling and sending her love right back at you.

missingmyman medication does not make you forget it merely balances out your mood so you can be more productive and not so grief stricken. You will never forget your little boy ever and the truth is you will always mourn his loss in your life he will always be a part of you and your family. How is your sister doing? She must feel awful that the fall happened when she was watching him. I guess he had a severe head injury which meant he could not be saved? That is such a tragedy for you all. Do you have other children or was he your only? Many of us parents shared that feeling of wanting to die so we could be reunited with our child. It is because there is all that love for them and no physical way to give it to them. It feels like your heart has been ripped out. have you had any counselling at all? That may help you to come to terms with your son's loss a little. It can be really helpful especially when you can just vent and share stories of him when you feel others have moved on and almost forgotten he existed. if you care to share his birth date and angel date on your profile we will never forget him. What was your little man's name? It is more personal to talk about him when you have a name to refer to. You do not have to share your name unless you feel comfortable doing so. I hear your desperate longing for your boy and want you to know I understand and will be here for you whenever you need it ok?

[Missing my little man]

I was seeing someone, but i let medical lapses, so now i can't seems to go and get back.  I just feel like sleeping all the time. I have no energy to do anything. When my son was still with me i have every reason for living, but now i have none my baby was my life.

[Bea8924]

Today marks 2months since my Nezzy passed away. How have I made it this long without you? I will continue to look for the signs you share with me. This is the last picture I took of her 1day before she passed. Such beauty and strength from my little one. She doesnt even look sick. She was at her 1st tball game of the season. I miss you and love you Nezzy! Always have, always Will!

[Missing my little man]

She soo pretty. My aches for you thanks for sharing.

[Missing my little man]

How do i shared mine.

[donnamaria]

Thank you tommys mom for your kind words we havent got the autopsy yet were still waiting for that its just i keep thinking maybe if they would of removed the graft maybe he would of lived longer i dont know if he would of survived the antibiotics they were going to give him they said he would be on them 4 to 6 weeks maybe longer but that he was never given a chance is what breaks my heart my mind keeps going to that if only they took that graft out he would never have bled like that so many emotions going through my head and this being the week end its all too much to handle the thought that maybe i could of had more time with victor we had a special bond yes i was his mom and care giver but he was also my best friend we spent most of our time together only time  we werent together is when he went to dialysis or i went to the store i do have other children and grandchildren and family and friends and they do try but its not the same my husband passed away in 2010 i have lost alot of family members but this is by far the hardest the pain is so bad my heart just aches and since i read the death certificate it seems to have intensified 

bea your nezzy how beautiful she is 

[My girl is in heaven]

Donna Marie.  My daughters autopsy was inconclusive too. Accidental drowning, (because she collapsed in the shower,), open-ended, possible seizure, cardiac arrthymia.  With all the technology today nobody could tell me why my 17 year old  very healthy daughter collaps d and died in the shower.  I finally went with cardiac arrthymia but after seven years it doesn’t tear at me as much. For whatever reason it was her time.  I knew I would never get the “whole” again, so I eventually took comfort from the crumbs and slivers that I could.  By that I mean, with all the uncertainty of kiras death, one doctor said there is one thing I can tell you 100% for sure...and that was she did not suffer, had no pain at all, if anything she might have felt a bit whoosy.  One minute she was in the shower and the next she was saying hey, here I am in heaven.  So I took that  little crumb and I did and still do hold it tightly.  Cause that’s all us grieving parents ever get....is crumbs and slivers.  I’m not a nurse or dr but I bet your dear Victor did not suffer either. He knew how much you loved and cared for him.  All the what’s ifs and whys won’t bring him back. They will just serve to torture yourself even more.  You can look in every corner of the world, and there will be no answers there.  I know it’s hard but hold on to that thought, that he did not suffer , he peacefully went when god called his name and please don’t get too caught up on what a piece of paper says.  I would not look at my daughters autopsy.  I was a medical record clerk for years and typed up many autopsies and there was just no way I was going to read my girls.  I’m overwhelmed at the stories of you and Victor and what a special relationship you had. Hold on to those crumbs and slivers .  At first it is hard to recognize them, but you will in time recognize them and hold them close to your heart.  Hugs

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama.  

[Tommy's mum]

oh Nezzy what a cutie you are. Two months is still very early days but you are doing well Bea. She does not look sick but sadly children and babies can deteriorate very very quickly and unexpectedly. I was a nurse in the NICU for 18months and a pediatric nurse for 5 years so I have seen how fast they can become so ill. She is fit and well and happy where she is and will be waiting for you when the time comes years from now. It is us left behind that suffer. A good friend of mine had her  first visitation dream from her dad who died seven years ago. She asked if he knew when it was happening, and he smiled and said yes, and it was a lovely feeling, warm and peaceful and he felt happy. It was like going home again. Nezzy will always be part of you and will be by your side constantly just not visible.

my little man can you take up your medical again? That constant tiredness and apathy is a classic sign of depression. Wanting to sleep is really common because then you can shut your eyes and shut out the world at the same time, I have been there myself. It would be good to seek out some help so that you can begin to be part of life again instead of just existing in sadness. Take care. I hope you can figure out how to post photos here so we can see your precious boy. i am a total computer idiot!

donnamaria I know it is such a struggle when you just want to have your child back. It is a yearning you feel like part of you is missing. Having other children and grandchildren is a blessing but can never make up for the loss of one. each child is special in their own way and unique and irreplaceable. please don't torture yourself there was nothing you could have done differently, and there is never ever enough time with the child who passes. None of us were prepared to deal with losing a child, most of us lost them very suddenly and i know all of us would give anything to have them back but it is not possible.Child loss is by far the most painful loss. your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Lean on your supportive family and friends and keep sharing.

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  From my experience , certainly at first anyway, you don’t want to go on. The thoughts of soaring high with your child in heaven seems wonderful and the only path to take.  But your child would say “but mom it wasn’t your time”. Remember time in heaven is not measured by days, months or years like here on earth. Our child will be waiting for us when our time has come.  You have family , friends who love and still need you.  And us, all of your new friends here, we want to help you. This is a really tough journey that none of us want to be on, but together we can make it thru.  Sometimes the changes are so small, you don’t recognize them, but They will come.  A tiny pin hole of light here and there.  And you never have to walk this journey alone.....we are all here for you.  Rejoicing when you find a bit of joy again and picking you up when you stumble and fall.  Hold on dear friend.

Bea.  Everything is still so raw for you.  My daughter too, the picture of health the day before holding onto her kitty in the last picture  I have of her. We had no way of knowing and did all we could do.  And that’s good look for the signs from Nezzy, even just the last year or so I have let myself be more open to receiving  them , so I notice more of them.  Keep plugging away.  We are here for you.

peggy and margee.....how are you guys doing?.  Let us know.  Hugs.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama