Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Mum to George, let those others two Dearhearts know that you have no way of knowing how to be a parent right now, just be honest with them...that no matter what, a parent losing a Child does this to us, so to please be patient with you and you will try to be patient as well with them and their grief. It may be that they are not showing their grief right now, siblings have a whole other kind of grief to deal with and when the parents are in deep grief, they often put their grief off...not a conscious act but instinctive. There is so little published for kids who lose a sibling, but their counselors should be checking in with them if possible and watch for behaviors that could be related to the loss. When parents lose a Child we lose our future, but when kids lose a sibling, they have lost the witness to their lives and the people that they would know the longest...it is a devastation that will be in two different ways by two different Kids in your home. I went to therapy at around the 6 month mark, knowing that I had to talk face to face with someone...I joined here at around the same time, so that just shows that when a large chunk of shock wore away, I reached out for help that I knew was needed, just as you have done. We here have all reached out for help, a lifeline in a new world we don't really want to be a part of but have woken to it anyhow. I will say, in hopes that it offers you and the others new to grief some hope, that I have found a good life from the ashes over the years. I will always miss my Daughter, I will always shed tears about her death, about missing her, about wondering who she might be today after 15 years...but I am trying my best to live this life well, for her and for my family.

[TearsInHeaven]

Penny L, I am so sorry you had to find a group such as ours but I am glad that you found ours.  There are so many compassionate people here and I know that without them I could not be as functional as I am today.  First of all, thanks for your son's service to our country... and he is one brave young man to go through all he had to face after his accident.  He truly is someone to be looked up to for facing his disability and living a life that was challenging but yet was fulfilling.  A remarkable young man with a life too short.  This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. You are early on this road and your world is shattered and you are brought to your knees. The best thing you can do for yourself is to not think further ahead but take things each day, hour or even minute as you make your way.  Will you live your life missing your son, of course you will. You are a mother who loves her son.  But, they will not all be the painful, devastating days you are experiencing now. Yes, there are many sad days in front of you but as you move into, as one of our members calls it, your "new abnormal".  But for now just manage to get through today.  Matthew is in your heart and always will be. There is nothing harder than losing your child. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

MumtoGeorge, you will find strength...and when you think you don't have the strength come here and someone who walks in your shoes will find a way to let you know you can.Believe me, when I first lost my son I was sure I could not face another day...and then I did.  Not always sure how but now here I am 3.5 years later.  Even though you cannot even think right now, you need to take care of yourself on a physical level.  I know, that is the last thing on your mind, but grief takes everything out of you. know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will.

 

[Mumtogeorge]

Niquesmom...im so sorry for your recent loss ...i totally get ppl expect you to have moved on...my best friend in the early days..when i had a huge rant...told me she wouldnt bother me and if i needed her ..to contact her!!!  The ones you thought would be beside you are nowhere to be seen but i have identified who.my dear friends are now..

Tearsinheaven and ericasmom...i am truly sorry about your devastating loss too and you have given me some hope..a tiny trickle of light in that darkest tunnel..i am.going to have that chat with the kids ...i never thought of that..we have just all muddled along..and bless them..i hope they are not just been strong for us xx 

Thanks for all.your time and helpful words xx

[Mumtogeorge]

Tommysmum...im so sorry for your tragic loss too...your words are such a comfort and give me hope..lets face it..i havent a choice..i have two other beautiful children who need their mum and dad more than ever..xx

[ericasmom]

Acknowledging the ache and loss as a family is sometimes cathartic, but sometimes, the kids may not be able to discuss any part of it, too laden with ache to discuss. Just let them know, it is okay to not feel like yourself right now, it is normal in this new normal to not feel like yourself when a part, a piece, is missing. And while he can never be replaced, he can be honored and preserved in our hearts and remembrances. Some kids may seem cavalier, angry that their brother left and changed the family dynamic, but anger is part of it and as we know, we all grieve differently.

Peace one day

[ericasmom]

To all Newbies, go to the library or book store and secure a copy of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, on Death and Dying. You may all know this already, but she writes about her research and theory about the stages of grief we go through when we lose someone dear. The most important part of her work as far as I am concerned is how the stages of grief are not linear, and that we can travel through them more than once, but reading what they are and recognizing your own travel through these informs your heart and spirit that others have walked this path, there are words to define what we are going through. I think that when we read about grief, we can see ourselves and learn about the steps we have taken. Another good book is The Worst Loss, written by two mothers who both lost a child. It is not a book you need to read cover to cover but again, you will recognize yourself or your steps in this book.

Peace

[MargeeTx]

hello everybody....I see we have a couple of new people in this special group.  I am sorry for why you are here; however, please know that this group is a lifesaver, in many different ways.  I have been "talked off the ledge" on several occasions when there did not seem that I had anywhere else to turn.   So, come here...whenever you want to, need to, or just because.  

The school shooting was way south of the DFW area where we live.  I am sickened with each one that happens.  We just didn't have this when I was growing up.  We didn't have the same types of movies, TV, video games. Or other of today's influences.  Just saying....

i realized today that I need an attitude adjustment.  I am not taking care of myself.   For my entire life, I dressed, did my hair and makeup EVERY day.  I realized that since Jason died...I just haven't given a rat's ass about how I look.  Also, since I am now retired, I have a closet full of professional clothes; I made sure that I kept up with manicures and pedicures, hair color and cuts...would not dare leave the house unless I was picture perfect. Not anymore.  My dear husband is now married to an old hag.  He hasn't said anything to me, but I know he has noticed.  I don't want to go anywhere; I don't want to do anything.  I force myself to fix up to go see my son and his family, or to a doctor appt.  That is it.  I know this is a true symptom of depression, but this feels a heck of a lot worse than depression.  It is as if I see/feel no purpose in 'myself.' I don't want to talk to anyone.  

I wondered today that if I FORCED myself to take a little bit of interest in myself, if that would help me FEEL any better/different?  I swear last Sunday, when we went to Jeremy's and we were going to get in the pool with Carson and Ryder, I shaved my legs for the first time since Jason died....it was gross. I feel as if I am living like a homeless person.  But I'm not.  I just am self loathing and pitiful.  This is a crappie way to feel.  

Someone...please tell me that at some point this 'phase' of grief will improve.

[Tommy's mum]

margarett it will come back in time. This is just a stage some people go through, the self loathing and uncaring of your appearance. It is subconscious, not wanting to bother because compared to your awful loss everything else is trivial and superficial. It is almost like wearing sack cloth or widow weeds in an expression of mourning. When you are ready you will come back to the person you were but with some changes. Also makeup comes off with crying jags!!

dee thanks for sharing book resources with our newbies all help is appreciated.

mumtogeorge it is a gift to still have other children but also hard when the loss of one kind of overshadows things. the grief journey will teach you to adapt and be able to appreciate the family you have. like dee said sibling loss is hard also. Everyone is trying to hold it together and it can be scary for the kids to see their parents kind of lost and in deep pain. Time is key also counselling is very beneficial if they are open to that.

dianne and veronica your kind words of encouragement are so helpful to both new and older members. Sticking together and supporting each other is the way to finding peace for the future.

[NiquesMom]

Today marks 5 months. It's hard to believe,  so long and so short at the same time.  I miss you with every breathe I take,  but I know I still have work to do,  and will see you when I come Home.

I feel alone in my grief most days,  I don't think anyone marks the 21st of the month as I do.  That may be a blessing,  so I don't wallow in my sorrow.  

Time to put on my "new normal" face and go out into the world. 

 

[ericasmom]

OH MISSING YOUR GIRL, AT ALL OF HER AGES AND STAGES, WE SURE DO GET THAT! I WILL POST AN OLD POEM AT SOME POINT, CALLED HOMLESS, THAT I WROTE SOON AFTER ERICA DIED. IT DOES FEEL LIKE YOU ARE HOMELESS MARGEE, IN MANY WAYS WE ARE LEFT TO FIND PIECES OF HOME AGAIN AND IT TAKES TIME. AS FAR AS MAKEUP AND HAIR, I THINK THAT FEELING LESS THAN IS NORMAL IN THIS NEW ITERATION OF YOU. AT SOME POINT, YOU MAY FEEL DIFFERENTLY BUT HEY, MAKEUP? IT DOES JUST WASH AWAY WITH TEARS, AND HAIR AND SHAVING, SEEM LIKE LITTLE THINGS WHEN FACED EACH DAY WITH SO BIG A THING LIKE THE LOSS  OF YOUR BOY. SJO DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF IS WHAT I SAY AND WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE TAKING A BRUSH TO YOUR HAIR, AND BLUSH TO YOUR CHEEKS, GREAT! UNTIL THEN, YOU ARE RAW, AND IT IS OKAY TO NOT DRESS RAW UP.

[Mermaid Tears]

Virginia...thanks for sharing that gorgeous girl of yours....always shining through. She still shines through...she is still 'your girl'....but we all understand the rip tide of emotions and longing and missing that child. I am not sure why....but....in the 4th year of my grief journey is when I started having those portals open and the memory of John David as a little boy came through so clear. We are each unique and even though we share some common grief effects...our journey will be so very personal. So in that year...I seemed to miss 'my young John David'....before...I missed my older John David. You are doing an amazing job of carrying your girl and your grief...and also being there for that handsome 5 year old son.....all of us on this site know the effort it takes to wipe the tears away and put on the 'face'.....and even if you don't 'feel' it....to put our grief in a place that is ours....and face the day and do what we need to do for our family and our best welfare.

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Virginia, such a beautiful little girl your Nique.  My favorite is the little fairy princess.  She looks like she comes right from the heart of MotherNature. Having had a rather unusual childhood, I look at the last of the pictures and see the face of a self confident little girl who knows how much she is loved.  Thanks for sharing.

Margarett, I am sure you are not walking around totally disheveled. At this point in your grief, you are getting up every morning.  Also, you just retired and your whole routine is upside down. The first two years after I lost Michael I worked, albeit from home but I never came down the stairs without my usual "work" grooming.  Now I have not worked since Fall 2016 and tshirt and jeans is my usual.  I did not intend nor prepare to retire but my contract ended and with my inability to travel weekly,  and the eroding of the job market no one wanted an old person like me.  I still cannot get used to this. I still choke on the word RETIRE. I was so organized... After losing Michael I tried to keep to my routine  and since I worked from home if I had a meltdown no one was there to see it. I was supposed to travel one a week to Houston but deferred my travel for a couple of months so I had no face to face with work colleagues.  But this not working is even harder.  Like I said, you get up every morning and right now that is all you need.  Your routine may change farther up the road but for right now you are doing fine.  

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dianne....you have so much to offer.....I read 'somewhere' that so many baby boomers are retiring...and many companies need them....and are willing for them to work from home....have you thought of going to an Employment Co. and putting in your resume and state that you will only work from home? See where it goes ? You have so many multi skills and your sense of organization....I, too, want you to get back in the work place...even if it is part time. I , too, am a workaholic....but I own my own business...and still love it.

I think many, many parents find themselves in the land of 'what is the use'....grief is exhausting. I found myself not having the energy or inclination to even drag a dead cat out of the house....this is normal. Just allow yourself to be what your instinct tells you what is right for you on that day. Some do not have the freedom to wear what they want..or do what they want....or cry when they want.

[daveydow1]

mumtogeorge------You are welcome here at this site.  As you say.....it is a place

that no parent ever wants to be.  But, it is a site where you can come anytime

as frequently (or infrequently) as you want,  and everyone understands the pain,

regret, sorrow, and despair that goes with losing a beloved child.  Please come back

when you feel you want to.  Peace to you.

Penny------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. You have found a good site.

You are welcome here, and everyone understands, firsthand, the pain of a lost child,

who left this world too soon.  Please come back and tell us about your son, when you

feel you would like to. We share many things on this site, but mainly understanding.

 

Dee-----Oh, yes,....it is a good thing that you took extra sweatshirts & blanket along

to the outing near the Chicago River on that chilly day.  I imagine that the kids that

forgot to dress warm enough were glad that you had brought extras.  Our soybean field

is planted, and the garden also.....Now for the flowers....(planting seeds, and annuals).

I watched some of the Royal Wedding, and it was beautiful.  Nice to see the diversity

in all the planning  and participation.  I've always liked Harry......he's always been such

a lively free spirit, and Meghan is lovely.

 

Susan-----Love the pic of you. Thanks for posting it. Hope that you are feeling better.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,....sherry

[ericasmom]

I agree with Susan, Dianne, you have so much to give and energy to spend giving it...as I paln for my retirement, in a year, I know that I want to keep on working in some capacity in some area...don't know what as of yet. I know that ageism does exist, so many do not hire we over 50  for fear that we can't keep up or will need to use too much of our insurance through the company...but we are an invaluable resource in companies as we have the knowledge of time.

Sherry, it was cold and rainy all day today here, you likely had some of this dreary weather as well. Tomorrow should be much better and improving as the week continues. I agree with yu on the idea of the royals having the influence from Meghan Markle's family and history. A good blend. They make a lovely couple.

[My girl is in heaven]

For all you newbies......I’m here for you.  Hugs.

Luanne......Kira’s mama

[EricaAnn]

I am a newbie. I cannot believe I am here. I lost my daughter on May 2 after a brutal battle with leukemia and very rare fungal infection. I need to communicate with people who understand what I am feeling. But can anyone offer me hope of it getting better? I am not seeing those posts here, and I am desperate.

[Mumtogeorge]

EricaAnn...im relatively new here too..my heart hurts for you so much..my boy sadly left us 7th march... it is not a place we want to be..but..11 weeks on i sometimes feel we havent moved on at all but then ...we have gone back to work..my daughter to school and son to work. I sometimes feel its just functioning but i know now we must of made a tiny step because at one point weeks ago i couldnt imagine that.. oh my day isnt easy...i have major and minor wobbles..the scary bit is not knowing when. I wish i could fast forward to a day when it would be bearable xx love to you and your family xxx

[NiquesMom]

EricaAnn, I am so sorry that you are here,  but glad you found us.  These are the best people I have met,  no judging,  always listening and understanding. 

I lost my daughter 5 months ago.  I remember being so lost,  and I can tell you it does get softer,  that it won't feel like a huge weight dragging you down all the time.  The sadness creeps up on me,  and still overwhelms me,  but it is no longer a daily occurrence.  The thing that hasn't changed is how much I think of her.  Everything I do,  I wonder if she would have enjoyed it,  etc.

Work helps, as it forces me to think about something else.  The compassionate friends support group is also very helpful.  

Peace to you,  I will be thinking of you. 

 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

EricaAnn, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all too well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. The loss of your daughter is so fresh, I know how brutal it can be.  When I lost my son I was not sure I would make it through the day as the pain and anguish was so great but here I am 3.5 years later.  Those on this site helped me as they understood and that is what I needed most. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now.    You will learn your way on this path. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way.  The path is never straight forward.  Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD>  SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. There are people here who have walked in your shoes, are here to cry with you, scream with you, get angry with you, love, support and pray with you regardless of your circumstances and what and how you're going through this nightmare. Family and friends can be a big support but unless they too have lost a child, they don’t truly understand what you are facing. I urge you to allow your feelings to surface and process them so you can release them. Feel the emotions. Keep in mind that the weight of grief is lighter when shared. Support from others can help you to handle the aftermath of your loss.   Everything seemed meaningless.  But there IS meaning even at this stage, we are processing our grief, we are letting it sink in, little by little, we are adjusting to it as it is now our new companion. in time grief settles into a type of sadness that we carry inside us where once happiness reigned.  That doesn't mean happy moments are elusive, they come...and go.  Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

[ericasmom]

ERICA ANN, I AM SO SAD TO WELCOME YOU HERE, BUT HERE YOU ARE. I LOVE YOUR NAME, MY DAUGHTER IS ERICA EILEEN, SHE WAS KILLED ALMOST 15 YEARS AGO. THE NAME AS I RECALL IN NAMING HER IS STRENGTH, HARD WORKING. YOU ARE GOING TO BE WORKING HARD TO FIND YOUR FOOTING NOW, THE LOSS IS VERY FRESH. TELL US ABOUT YOUR GIRL WHEN YOU CAN, ONE OF OUR FORMER MEMBERS USED TO SAY: YOUR CHILD IS MORE THAN THE DAY SHE/HE DIED. I AM SORRY THAT YOUR GIRL SUFFERED WITH CANCER. LEUKEMIA FOR HOW LONG?

AS FAR AS HOPE ERICA, THERE WILL DAYS THAT ARE BLACKER THAN BLACK, BUT HOPE IS ALREADY EVIDENT FROM MY STANDPOINT. YOU FOUND US, YOU LOOKED FOR HELP AND IN THAT THERE IS GREAT HOPE, SO I AM GLAD FOR THAT. YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY ONE DAY AND I AM HERE FOR THIS LONG TO ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY FEEL DIFFERENTLY, IT IS GOING TO TAKE TIME AND MANY STAGES OF GRIEF IN WHICH TO TRAVEL, BUT YOU WILL FIND YOUR STEPS AND ONE DAY YOU WILL LAUGH AND ENJOY THINGS AGAIN, IT DOES NOT FEEL AT ALL POSSIBLE, I KNOW.

A GREAT BOOK: PAULA BY ISABELLE ALLENDE WHOSE OWN DAUGHTER DIED FROM ILLNESS. 10 YEARS LATER, SHE WROTE: THE SUM OF HER DAYS, SHOWING HER PAULA WHAT LIFE IS LIKE AND HOW THE FAMILY REBUILT THEIR LIVES IN HER PHYSICAL ABSENCE.

NAME ALL THE ANIMALS: A GREAT MEMOIR ABOUT GRIEF WHEN A FAMILY LOSES A TEENAGE SON IN A CAR ACCIDENT, WRITTEN BY HIS SISTER, ALISON SMITH.

THREE DOG LIFE: WRITTEN BY ABIGAIL THOMAS, A MEMOIR ABOUT LOSS OF HUSBAND.

THE WORST LOSS: WRITTEN BY TWO MOMS WHO ALSO LOST THEIR KIDS

[Tommy's mum]

erica ann I am so sorry for your loss. Battling leukemia must have been so hard on all your family and especially your  daughter. She must have been through so so much , the treatments are brutal. The journey of cancer is frightening and not guaranteed even if statistics are good for recovery. I am so sorry. Losing her must have been a shock and I also feel you are probably not quite in touch with yourself yet. Often at first you tend to go on autopilot and just struggle through the days and nights. You may be inconsolable or dry eyed both are normal reactions. I hope you have support around you that is vital especially in the early days as you try to adapt to this huge change. As time goes by people tend to drop out of sight and assume you are ok and in control when in reality that is so often the complete opposite. Talking is really important and letting yourself feel your emotions. It is a long journey and full of ups and downs. Some of our members have been able to find peace and are able to celebrate the memories of their child which is what we all aspire to. Some are still struggling and fight feelings of anger and injustice and depression. We are all unique individuals. Certainly it is achievable to get better and get some acceptance. The difference with this forum is that it is honest and open and supportive with members who have all lost a child or children. We sadly have that completely different inner personal perspective that people who have not lost a child do not really get. Please post what you want when you want we would like to hear about your daughter and her brave battle if you feel able to share. Does she have any siblings? It is comforting to talk about our child especially when family and friends do not in case of upsetting you. I hope you find some comfort here with our group.

[peggy a sad mom]

erica ann i am also so sorry! it was 4 months on sunday that i lost my son and still don't know why. i do remember the first 2 and maybe 3 months there was a knife in my heart 24 7. don't get me wrong not that i feel much better now but it is a little different. i do make all day at work. i concentrate there on stupid things but it has become possible to be able to think about something else for a while. it is the worse thing in the world that could happen to us. i always say drop me out of an airplane and it won't hurt as much. i have been on here once or twice a day since i joined. even if you just read. but we are all here for you as i know everyone is here for me.

hang on we all are

peggy

[peggy a sad mom]

here is something i read the other day it is soooo true!

now i lay me down to sleep i pray the lord my soul to keep.

if i should die before i wake

thank the lord for ending my wait!

from a grieving mom

peggy

[My girl is in heaven]

Erica Ann.  As my dear friends have already said we welcome you here but are sorry that you or anyone had to suffer the lose of your precious child.  I lost my 17 year old daughter almost 7 years ago very unexpectantly.  Now the only two things I could say to her at the cemetary was I will look after Lilly (her cat) and then I told her I would be with her soon.  Well I’m still looking after Lilly, but I am also still here.  Right now as Dianne said it is just simply one minute or hour.  No looking ahead or planning too much.  Somewhere down the line don’t know when or where it will be for you, but a tiny pinhole of light will poke thru.  And then another and another.  Of course in between the darkness will come back.  You will hear or see or smell something someone or someplace that will feel like a punch in the gut again.  But you will keep on getting up and some how limp along.  Probably most if not all people will start dropping off..they don’t get it and don’t waste your time  or breath trying to explain it to them.  You will never be judged or told how you should or shouldn’t be feeling here.  You will be met with nothing but compassion and understanding just like I was a little over a year ago.  Lean on us, let us light the way for you like we all do for each other.  It is a courageous thing to do, to speak of your loss, but u have made that important first step.  Keep going.  We are all here for you.

Virgina and Peggy.  I see a little bit of movement in you two.  Small but still movement.  I only knew that I had moved ahead when you guys first come on and my heart just sunk with I read your posts and I remembered those early dark dark days.  It will still be one step forward and two back, but the one step forward will be worth it.  Keep on getting up everyday and doing what u need to do for you.  Just keep on keeping on.

mumtogeorge. Wow look at you...can hardly  hold on yourself but are already reaching out to someone new.  How very thoughtful of you.  The story of your son so touched me I shared it with my psychiatrist today.  Life is so unfair and as I have found you will never get the answers to all the whys or what ifs.  I’m glad you found this site.  It will be a rock for you and all the other newbies. 

 

Lesley how is your dad doing and how is the ankle coming along.  Are u able to still get out in your garden.  I know how much you enjoy your gardening.  U would have a hay day at my house...gotta be a million dandelions.  

Kate and Dianne.  Well it was only one goal but that’s all it took.  Back in October when I first saw Vegas I said they were going to win the cup...really I did.  Boy don cherry better be worried about his job.  Lol. There’s no game on tonight but I know that is the hockey worlds way of slowly weaning us.  

Still, still, still cool weather, no sunshine.  Supposed to start getting warmer tomorrow.  Ice storms, wind storms, everything but sunshine.  Hope u are all getting nicer weather than me.

hugs to everyone.

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[TearsInHeaven]

Susan and Dee, thank you for your kind words and support. It means alot.  I have had to have some tests and am doing physical therapy these last weeks.  When I worked for the Hospital Foundation the PT department was one of mine to support.  So all their charting, orders,and documentation was stuff I created for them! I had an MRI this morning and going back to the Imaging Department was such a strange feeling.  I asked after a couple of people and they had already retired... The Director and I have know each other for years and it was nice to catch up.  Certainly a weird feeling.. like a fish out of water. But you guys were a boost to my ego.

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne, I agree with you I thought Vegas would win and end up taking the Cup. Of course they still have to get through Washington or Tampa Bay.  But I had hopes for Winnipeg as I wanted to see Byfuglien get a championship.  Did you all see the opening they put on in Vegas for a home game?  Quite a production.

[ericasmom]

Dianne, I do so hope that your tests prove to be good and that there are no issues for you. Dianne, it is easy to see what an asset you would be to any company...any shop...any place that serves as you have a huge heart and an organized mind. You are a sweetheart.

[NiquesMom]

Is it hard for anyone else to watch the high school graduations? My daughter was 1 class short of graduating,  she should have graduated this year.  They awarded her diploma posthumously,  but it's hard for me to be happy for my friends and relatives,  seeing their kids go off to college. 

 

[ericasmom]

It is hard Virginia, a part of you feels very cheated by this and it is awfully hard to be happy for others...and yet, you know that Niques is smiling on her friends as they make their way toward their adulthood. My girl did graduate, but died at 19 so all of her friends had spent that year in colleges spread all over the country, Erica did not have grades for that so she moved to Kalamazoo to live with her brother and take some classes at KVCC, community college...which is where Jonathan was taking a few classes. She lived away from home and loved it. I am glad that she had that experience. When Eri was killed, her friends from here traveled to Michigan, many of them were doing classes in far away places for the summer or taking vacations in some pretty cool places, but they stopped what they were doing and came to say goodbye,  we sat on the floors of the trauma center waiting room telling stories of Erica each night, we had candle light vigils out on the lawn of the hospital, we sang songs, we cried, I was privy to the many stories I would never have heard had we not all been joined by our love for her those 6 days. We slept on the floors of the trauma center in borrowed sleeping bags every night for 5 nights, and each day I walked kids, three at a time, down the long hallways to say goodbye to Erica. They painted her toes nails pink of course, and sang softly songs that she loved: Bob Marley's Three Bird, Janis Joplin's Bobby McGee, Bob Marley's Redemption Song...and so for those days there were often 100 kids at the hospital to hold Erica in hope and prayer and song and art, several paintings and drawings were made and given to us after she died...So even though her life was short, 19 years, her life was full. She touched the hearts of many and is carried forward in their lives...and I am made to repeat the saying that I never say quite right: Every living thing on earth, no matter how long their life, lived a full life, a full circle.  So Virginia, yes, it feels raw when  others get to do what your Girl did not get to do, but it is good that her friends are striving to find their place in the world and will go to colleges and have careers and have children and most will live long lives, and Nique will lilkely be smiling on those friends for all of time. I have gone to weddings of Erica's friends and while it is hard on one part of my heart, the other part of my heart grows large with joy for these kids to have carved out their happiness. I have held the babies of many of her friends and know that ERica is Godmom from above. Most of Erica's closest friends have had many times when they felt her nearby and I am lucky to have been privy to the stories surrounding the ways her buddies take her with them.

[peggy a sad mom]

thanks luanne  i'm sure we will get there

[My girl is in heaven]

Dee what a wonderful legacy Erica left.  Touched so many. I know what u mean. Kira only lived 17 years but boy they were full. She excelled in ever sport and competative dancing.  I have an entire bucket full of her awards, trophies and ribbons. She had very long arms and legs and just flowed in ballet. She was a natural.  A teacher even suggested she try out for the national ballet but she wasn’t that driven for it.  There literally was not enough hours in a day to fit in everything she wanted to do.  And no matter what she did I kept thinking if she can get out there and do that she will have confidence and self esteem, which of course I never or still do have. My girl was going to grow up so different then me.  And she was, only 17 but I told her how much she was loved and cherished and she could do anything she wanted.  I don’t know how you can see Erica’s friends and thier babies, etc.  I won’t even read the local newspaper and I hate living in this city, I hate it. But I can’t afford to move.  I just when to get a pizza last Friday and as I was pulling away I saw one of her friends and thier mother going in, but they didn’t see me.  My heart sank cause I haven’t seen that girl in 7 years and I saw how much her looks have changed and couldn’t help but wonder what Kira would like now.  But for me she will always be 17.  Not one of her friends parents even her best friends have ever called or sent a card or anything in 7 years. This town is 40,000 so small enough you can’t go anywhere without seeing someone hence my 50 minute drive to get groceries or even a bag of cat food.  That is good u can embrace Erica’s friends, but I can’t and don’t even want to try. It sounds like you get a great deal of comfort from them

virginia.  Kira was one year short of graduation.  I heard the girls let some purple balloons go the night of graduation in her memory. So I know that feeling of not wanting to see niques friends moving forward with thier schooling.  It just hurts too much and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. 

Dianne.  I’m sorry I must have missed a post..are you ok, what are you getting testing for.  Hope everything is ok.  I hear you, when I got fired after 29 years in medical records because I could not concentrate or focus anymore  I immediately starting applying to other hospitals and I knew no one would have more experience then me. But I slowly began to realize they want a 27 year old not a 57 year old.  It was devastating at first but now even though I don’t have a lot money to live off, I am glad things turned out the way they did. Hell I can watch hockey from 7 to midnight and not have to worry about getting up for work in the morning.  Lol.  Let us kn W how u are doing.  Hugs

finally had a day you didn’t have to wear a sweater.  

Gretchen, Becky, Georgina, Collen, Lou, Leah and others who haven’t posted in awhile.  Hope u are still reading and let us know how u are doing.

looks like Washington is going to take it.  No hockey after tonight til Monday....ugh  a whole weekend to put in with no games. 

Happy watching everyone.  This really is the most wonderful time of the year.  Lots of fights and even some blood tonight.  Yippee 

[Mumtogeorge]

I so get that..i feel your pain sweetie..Im having the torture of watching all Georges friends turn 18...we celebrated his 18th last week sat at his grave...it hurts so much!!! 

How oh how does this ever get bearable..its the bank holiday coming up and to be honest..im dreading as its another day off and the only distraction at the moment is work!!!! How sad is that...i choose work over a day off!

 

[ericasmom]

Oh Mum to George, I get that. Work was a way for me to have a frame for my grief. I could go cry on a walk at lunch time, and  while with kids I was busy nurturing and teaching so my purpose was defined which helped heal my heart a bit, and back then we had an amazing social worker that would come up for a half hour per week so that I could have a built in break for my grief, she really understood where folks like us are! I was lucky in that. Those long long days off are brutal in early grief...if you can go outside as much as possible, often we feel the sense of our Children outside, where the wind stirs and the birds sing...the sense of the world, while completely lacking when we lose a child, is sometimes able to be glimpsed when outdoors. We are here, so just keep talking and share with us the person George is when you are able.

[TearsInHeaven]

MumtoGeorge, in the beginning when I first lost Michael I treasured that so many of his friends came to see us when it first happened and in the weeks before his service.  We still have a couple who check in when they are in town and one of his dear friends has made an effort to check on us, calls, takes my husband golfing and just recently we hit Michael's birthday and he and his wife sent a beautiful basket of flowers just to let us know he remembers and cares.  Sometimes I see his friends with families, kids and I get a little morose but I do my best to accept what is.  I find less comfort on seeing any of these friends of his parents.  No one has bothered with us so I just leave it be. I just want to move from here.  My daughter lives across the country and we rarely get to see each other.  We have a granddaughter and she will be the only one we ever have.  Luanne, talk about a small town, we have 16,000 in my town. My kids were raised here and in my heart I am ready to leave it behind. Right now MumtoGeorge, it is early in this journey and it will establish a path.  I agree with Dee, spend time outside because the sky sure helped me. The weather wasn't always good but I tried to go out and look to the sky, the clouds and the stars.  It helped me feel closer to him. One step at a time, you will find your way.

Luanne, that should be an outstanding series for the cup.  I am still thinking Vegas has it but Washington will give them a good series.

[Mumtogeorge]

Thank you all for your kind words....i feel so lost all of the time..work.is a good distraction but then on way homw the reality kicks in...tea for four not five!!! We watch tv in the evening but my heart isnt in it...im wishing he would come bounding in like he used to ..full of what he had been up.to with his friends. Mornings are cruel.as i used to wake him then drive him to the train station...that hurts!!  Please please tell me this hurt lessens because at the moment im feeling worse..by the day!!! 

[ericasmom]

I guess we need to warn you that you are going to feel worse for a while, and maybe a bit more each day because the reality is setting in, the day to day missing is an exhaustion. It will get worse Sweet woman, but then you will  begin to rebuild. There are no timelines that tell you when, it will be when your spirit and heart have found ways to work in tandem again, and then you will have tea for 4 instead of 5 but you will be able to do this with a nod to George, with a smile to that sweet boy who loves you forever as you love him. He will always be your Son, and the bond you share will be for all of time. Its okay to not be okay, many here have said it, but you may need to remind yourself this...What part of the world are you from Mum to George? We have several as you might see, that are from England, we have had members from South Africa, Australia, all over the place, and yet, we meet here daily and many times a day for some of us, the distance of miles is diminished by the unity of grief. Holding your hands and your heart...

[NiquesMom]

I am in a terrible mood,  and I think it is because niques birthday is coming in  4 days.  I was doing so well,  chipper even,  and now I feel so angry again.  I don't want to be angry.  Sitting in the waiting room at my son's therapist feeling mad at the world. 

I want a new job,  I want to leave Colorado and stop having to drive the road she died every single day. I am trying to be smart about the move,  not give into my emotions and just up and quit my job.  I know I should try to get another job lined up,  but I just want to put in my two weeks notice and go.  

I know the missing her will never change,  I know she is hear with me,  but I am just pissed off right now. 

[Jeff's Mom]

At the beginning it is as if we have been catapulted into a science fiction  movie. Everything seems so out of wack. Odd and not normal... yet oddly familiar.  We drift along as if we are zombies. One foot in front of the other until eventually we begin to touch ground. It comes out of the blue and hits us like a deer in headlights. We are stopped dead in our tracks. How can this be happening to us? Why? Why them? We search for answers, but there are none that satisfy us. We slowly find the strength to take those very hard first steps. And they are really hard. It is so much easier to bury ourselves in denial. The pain is overwhelming. It burns to the very core of our being. But we do it. We do it for them and for ourselves and for our other important people in our lives. What is the alternative?  It takes patience and a lot of time to begin to fashion a new life without our child in it. After a lot of hard work we begin to see a change. Nothing huge... but a hint of light. And because of how badly we felt we will take it. We hold on with dear life. We make a new way to fashion keeping our child close to our hearts and yet move along. They have touched our lives deeply and will never in actuality ever be forgotten. Their legacy is to hold on to the beautiful and deeply felt personal moments we hold so close to our hearts and cherish. And we keep going. Going until we meet them again. 

[Mumtogeorge]

Ericas mom...im from England...where is my boy?? Heaven?? Thats hard to get my head around too..

Niquesmom..i feel angry all the time..listening to peooles trivial.moans..what have they got to moan about. I never realised what a smug life i had till its been upturned in an instance. I get what you are saying...i feel like saying ..what is the purpose of all this now??? Why do we have to adjust?? People say we will...but when?? Xx 

Massive love and hugs to all that are suffering x

[Tommy's mum]

mumtogeorge when someone dies they leave their body/shell behind but the spirit remains and flies free. The spirit or soul is everything that makes a person it does not change.I guess where it goes is part of your own personal belief religious or otherwise. I lost my faith and now believe all our lost children are waiting in another space which has no time zone. i believe their spirit is always with us and they can still see and hear what is going on. I know many of us talk to our child and ask them for help in difficult times. many have had visitation dreams or signs that show we are not totally separated from them and the belief that one day we will be reunited after death. No one passes alone as a former nurse I witnessed several patients greeting people who had passed on before and saw their joy at being reunited. I also have felt the spirit pass after patients died. Love is the most powerful emotion there is, and the love of a parent for their child is forever it never dies.Part of the mourning process is to question and to yearn for the child. As time goes on it is hard because you realise and accept they are not coming back but in time that can be accepted and the peace is found when you have worked through all those stages of grief and come out the other side being able to remember the happy times and celebrating the life of your child and not their death. it does take a long time though and some hard work and deep thinking to get there. You are in the early stages. It cannot be rushed even though it is the most desperate time of your life but in time I promise you will get there. That is why some of our oldest members stay on this site to give hope that things will improve and show by example how they have found life again. It is possible.

9 hours ago, Jeff's Mom said:

We make a new way to fashion keeping our child close to our hearts and yet move along. They have touched our lives deeply and will never in actuality ever be forgotten. Their legacy is to hold on to the beautiful and deeply felt personal moments we hold so close to our hearts and cherish. And we keep going. Going until we meet them again. 

virginia anger is one of the stages of grief. There are several stages and as unique individuals we go through them at different times, or skip one or go back to one as you work your way out through the grieving process. Even almost 3 years on I still get flashes of anger why did my son die for his friend and that other kid survive? Why was his friend considered more important to save? Why our family? That is normal. I tend to get over that anger much quicker now and tell myself that it is what it is and I can do nothing about it. At least one family was saved from feeling what we do. Nique's birthday is a tough milestone. Do what you feel you need to do to mark that day. i hope you can find a different place to live as that road must be so hard to travel along and I believe an opportunity will come your way when it is the right one.

[Jeff's Mom]

LouAnn, I was horrified at the bombing in the restaurant last evening in Mississauga. Very thankful that nobody was killed. Also thankful that the three people that were in critical condition were upgraded to stable. Fifteen people in all injured. What is wrong with this world? They feel it is not related to a terrorist act at this point. The world is in such a bad way.  Prayers for all concerned.

[ericasmom]

Kate and Louanne, I thought of you both when I read this...okay, not terrorists, then why was there a homemade bomb? Crazy stuff. Too much hatred and prejudice to not spill out at the seams.

Our school just had the annual Memorial Day Service that is the most touching beautifully done program....has been going on for 50 years or more...The 5th graders do the whole thing, chorus sings harmony to the song One Tin Soldier, the band, 70 kids, played all the songs, the whole 110 kids recited ON Flanders Fields, and the one that says, Do not stand at my grave cry, i am not there, I did not die...I sob at that one every year. The whole school which numbers toward 700 students stand and take part, a flag from each classroom, a flower too, and the flowers are collected in two large vases class by class. I bring a large box of tissues out and many parents appreciate it along the path to the location of the service as they watch their 5th graders take the lead at Lincoln School. My kids both were those kids at one time, that alone makes me cry, but to have had the loss of my Girl makes it a struggle to get through even with tissues.

Mum to George, I figured you are from England. And as far as where George is, I agree with Lesley, he is somewhere I believe with our Angels...I do believe we get to see them and be with them again, when it is our time...but that is just what I believe. I have always believed that there is a place beyond this place, that this life is limited but that the next is not, it is all the energy hanging out together. I have had, as have many of Eri's friends and cousins, many brushes of her spirit. I feel grateful for those. I know that many people lose faith which I get, and some never had a belief system prior to this devastation, but find one, or don't...our kids are snowflakes, no two alike and the same holds true for we parents. Whatever your beliefs, no matter to us, we are here to hold your hands and show you that this long and painful process will not always feel like it does today. But all processes need to run their course...so when folks ask are you over it, you can simply say, are you over the birth of your child, have you let that go? Of course not so what makes you think I am over it? This is not to be gotten over, it is to be traveled through...and we learn to carry our grief rather than be dragged each day by it. There will be times when it gets darker and times when you feel lighter, and one day, you will find your balance again.

Virginia, remember when we spoke about the stages and how they are not linear but that you may go back and forth like a tennis ball between them...we all know what it feels like to bounce yet again through anger. Anger is part of it all but it won't always be raw like it feels today.

[Jeff's Mom]

It would be an excellent idea if conflict resolution courses were made mandatory in Junior High. Learning how to work out their.... anger without using guns, bombs... and throwing stones....not to mention name calling. Intolerance for racial minorities, etc. You have to start somewhere... and why not now? How can you honestly expect a rationale person to side with your cause, or find a reason to listen when you are carrying out violent acts on innocents? 

I have to say that it was pure bliss last evening. After almost two full months of drought the skies opened and we were given a wonderful and beautiful rain. Manna from the heavens! I wanted to stand outside and just let the warmth of the water touch my face. I love the scent of rain. My gardens were happier for it I can definitely tell you. I woke up this morning to the air filled with birdsong. Everyone was benefiting from the event. 

As to the many phases of grieving ...it is a roller coaster ride for sure. Good and bad days... until one day we realize that we have again found purpose. Be it in our job, interest that once again fills us with pleasure, or a sense of purpose. It will come... but you have to be patient. There will always be the triggers that hit home. Something specific that reminds us directly of our child. That is a good thing. They have made their mark in this world and on our lives. We remember them in all of those extra special occurrences. It tugs at the heart strings, but  it also fills our heart with the awareness of love and how deep it runs. The love that does not ever subside no matter what. And their love for us fills us to give us the strength to continue and to find courage to keep going. They walk beside us always! So on those hardest of days allow yourself to just be. Let your heart heal and never allow anyone to hurry you along. It is your call. It was your child. Take heart as it will slowly start to soften. It did for me.

[ericasmom]

Kate, so glad that you received some well-needed rain. A week ago we had 45 degree temps, today 91.

Yes, we start conflict resolution in kindergarten actually, but it is falling off somewhere that is for sure. Just this morning, only 7 days past the Texas school shooting, a school shooting in Indiana...a middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL! One parent said, this doesn't happen here it happens in high schools...that made me cry, thinking that folks sound rather accustomed to high school shootings. This is not okay. Nothing about school shootings is okay.

 

[Brendan's Dad]

I am so sorry that you are part of this group mumtogeorge.  I too struggled with my faith for a very long time.  I am a Christian, but was very angry when my son passed a way.  A part of me rejected everyone.  Family, friends and even my belief in God and Heaven.  That anger has cost me dearly over the years.  Today my faith is stronger than ever.  I believe with all of my heart that one day I will see my beautiful son again.  It is something that continues to give me some hope.  I would never say I am doing well after nearly eight years, but I will say that my faith has kept me here.  Kept me breathing.  I am praying for you as I am praying for everyone here.  

Brendan's Daddy

[Brendan's Dad]

I have had a bit of a rough day today.  Memorial Day was always a weekend I looked forward too. My wife and I would pack up our boys and take them to my parents house up north on the lake.  It was the beginning of our summer and Brendan loved it there.  Today I find it very hard to go there.  My parents are there now and this weekend I will be at home away from the lake, away from those painful memories.  

I went to my parents house today to drop off some stuff.  In my parents room they have a table that is pretty much a shrine to Brendan.  My parents are very involved in their grandchildren's lives so losing Brendan crushed them as well.  I say some things under the table and I got nosy.  I opened the box and saw that my mom and dad send Brendan a birthday card and Christmas card every year.  They even put it in an envelope with his name on it and their return address written out.  They have sent him a birthday card every single year for the seven years he has been gone and a Christmas card as well.  Maybe it was not my place to read them, but I couldn't help myself.  My poor mother was pouring her heart out to my son every year.  It broke my heart to see that and I just lost it.  When I got up I saw an old picture of my older brother and myself.  I have always hated this picture.  I remember asking my mom one time about a year ago why she insists on having that picture up that I hate so much.  She started to cry and said that this is the last picture she has of me where I look happy.  The last picture of me with that big, optimistic and carefree smile.  She told me she hasn't seen that smile since the day Brendan died and she is afraid she never will again.  it was just a flood of emotions at my parents house today.  My mind is all over the place and I cannot shake this sadness.  I am so afraid that I am just not strong enough to figure all of this out.  It has been almost eight years and here I am losing my mind on a Friday morning.  I was supposed to be the man of the house.  I was supposed to be the strong one and here I am eight years later.  I have let so many people down, including Brendan I am sure.  I just cannot get out of my own way...

[peggy a sad mom]

im sorry brendan's dad. it has only been four months since my son passed but i have been so wrapped up with myself i didn't even give much thought to my brothers,sister's niece's and nephew's. but i mothers day i guess i was a little out of my cloud when i noticed oh my god everybody is hurting. my entire family.. they cried and laughed but most of all everyone talked about how much they miss him. i just did not give much thought to anyone else because i was just hurting so bad i didn't see it. i see it now and as sad as i was on mother's day i now get some comfort in it. hope you are feeling better

peggy

[Tommy's mum]

brendansdad I guess the difference now is that you are beginning to be able to open up, reflect and recognise what you were doing before just is not working. That in itself is quite a breakthrough although it may not seem like it. Now you will do things differently. Looking back at past behaviours or choices is not helpful. Remember you did what you did with what you had at the time. As for seeing those cards from your parents I would have been brought to my knees too. Everyone needs to do what they feel to honour the lost child for their own mental wellbeing. At least Brendan is acknowledged still as a much loved grandson still part of their family which is awesome. No one speaks much of my Tommy. I know he is thought of but most Brits are very insular and private about grief. No one has ever asked to go to the churchyard where I feel close to him, but that is ok. I recognize we all have our own ways of coping and grieving and we are all individual. Yes they all have a photo or two of him amongst the other family pictures. I go on his birthday and his passing date and at Xmas. The fact I know I can go when I want is enough. Tommy is always with me by my side so I do not feel the need to go more often. Some people find great comfort visiting and tending the grave often, some others have a favourite spot, some have a memorial on their property all are ok whatever is important to the individual. As for the photo that is something to aspire to being able to smile again and have happier photos taken, that is for the happiness of others as well as yourself. You did not let your boy down it was an awful accident and being able to forgive yourself is vital to your healing in the future. Getting some counselling and maybe also some anti depressants may give you the boost in the right direction of accepting what has happened and trying positive steps for the future.

peggy grief can be selfish we all focus on our own stuff as we try and navigate through. being able to see other people's pain is a major step, that and realising that we all grieve differently in our own way.of course your boy is missed by everyone he was a huge part of your family and healing comes slowly when you can see past your own sorrow and allow others to mourn a little along with you. believe me you have already come a long way peggy.

3 hours ago, ericasmom said:

.that made me cry, thinking that folks sound rather accustomed to high school shootings. This is not okay. Nothing about school shootings is okay.

 

I agree with you dee nothing about purposeful loss of life is ok. It is hard enough to deal with the result of an accident or medical episode but to have fear of sending your child to school is awful. The latest bombing in Canada is also horrific.

well guys you made it through another week well done. Time flies and yet also stands still at the same time. Be strong and keep going.

 

[ericasmom]

Peggy, it made me smile to know that you were able to see/hear/feel the pain that your family is experiencing over the loss of your Sweet One. He is always in the hearts and steps of those who loved him.

Brendan's Dad, you still harbor so much guilt and I so wish that you could find ways to let a bit go each day until clarity of your love is what you feel most, the clarity of how much Brendan loves you, always will. The clarity of your other Kids and how they love their Daddy, need you too. Your parents have ritualized their actions to include Brendan, many of us do this, they ache with his loss as you know, and now, having looked into the photos and the cards, you see how they have managed over the years..they love you so, in so many ways they are grieving you as well as Brendan, because a mother, your mother, is only as happy as her saddest child. Find some ways to live in this day, you come here some and that is helping, now step into the night and talk to Brendan and let him know everything in your heart, release it, share it with the Boy you love so dearly. He will not hold any of it against you, he only wants you to live where he no longer can, but to live it well.