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I Am Just Grieving...


chinmc

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due to the loss of my son 9-12-03 i am suffering from what i think is depression. i am a nightmare to live with, work with or talk to. i am here for your well needed advice to get me out of this rut. iam desperatly trying not to be like this but dont seem to be getting anywhere, if anything its makeing me worse, my relationship with my partner has gone from bad to worse over the last few months and i am on the brink of getting dumped for not careing about him, forfilling his needs, not being who i used to be. i used to be a confidant, happy go lucky kind of person. out for a laugh and a good time, i used to take pride in my appearance and have goals in life. i knew where i wanted to go in life and nothing was going to stop me. then BANG..... i lost my baby at birth and its been a downhill ride from there on. i am not the girl i used to be, i am none of the above, i dont feel confidant in any way, shape or form, i cant be botered with myself anymore i am so exhausted i go to work, come home, eat, sleep. day in day out. i have no sexual drive which is not me at all, i just plod on day to day. my house is a mess because i cant be bothered to clean it, i cant remember the last time i went out with my partner as a couple and every mortle little thing gets on my nerves..........

why do i feel like this????

what can i do to make things better again????

how can i get out of my rut????

help me im desperate to keep my sanity and my relationship!!!!!

andreaxxx

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Willsmam,

I think your opening says it all. You are just grieving. Grieving is not pretty, it\'s not convenient, and we all express it in different ways over varying periods of time.

Go to the library or the Beyond Indigo Bookstore and read some books on loss and grieving. Read Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Try George Anderson. Find someone whose words resonate with your heart and feelings. Look at how other religions explain the afterlife. Be open.

If you can afford it, try a grief counselor. Local hospice organizations usually run grief support groups. Some churches do also. Compassionate Friends is a support group for parents who have lost children. There are also SIDS support groups (I\'m not sure how your son passed).

A very high percentage of marriages/partnerships cannot survive the death of a child. It takes great love and understanding on behalf of you both to learn how to let each other grieve. Men and women do it differently for sure.

You will always want your son back.Over time you can learn how to cope with this loss. We can find ways if we chose to try. It\'s bad enough one life had to end but to also loose your life...well that\'s a choice each of us have to make.

In the beginning, it is a very dark lonely place. It seems like the saddness will never end. Talk to your doctor. Sometimes antidepressants help you through the roughest period. You don\'t have to take them forever. Maybe a year, maybe two, maybe just 6 months. I had to take them for three years after I lost my son. But I knew when I was through with them.

Keeping trying different things. Be open. Don\'t be hard on yourself. You are right in saying that you are not the same girl you used to be. Loss changes us. We have to choice to let it change us for the worse or for the better.Everything you described that you are going through is all familiar ground to those of us who have lost someone we loved. You have come to the right website and you are talking with the right people.

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due to the loss of my son 9-12-03 i am suffering from what i think is depression. i am a nightmare to live with, work with or talk to. i am here for your well needed advice to get me out of this rut. iam desperatly trying not to be like this but dont seem to be getting anywhere, if anything its makeing me worse, my relationship with my partner has gone from bad to worse over the last few months and i am on the brink of getting dumped for not careing about him, forfilling his needs, not being who i used to be. i used to be a confidant, happy go lucky kind of person. out for a laugh and a good time, i used to take pride in my appearance and have goals in life. i knew where i wanted to go in life and nothing was going to stop me. then BANG..... i lost my baby at birth and its been a downhill ride from there on. i am not the girl i used to be, i am none of the above, i dont feel confidant in any way, shape or form, i cant be botered with myself anymore i am so exhausted i go to work, come home, eat, sleep. day in day out. i have no sexual drive which is not me at all, i just plod on day to day. my house is a mess because i cant be bothered to clean it, i cant remember the last time i went out with my partner as a couple and every mortle little thing gets on my nerves..........

why do i feel like this????

what can i do to make things better again????

how can i get out of my rut????

help me im desperate to keep my sanity and my relationship!!!!!

andreaxxx

Andrea,

The loss of anyone, especially a baby at birth can change a person's outlook about life, living and about one's importance in this world. All of us who have read your posted message are so very sorry for your devastating and shocking loss of your precious baby and we promise to be right here for you as you struggle to truly ACCEPT the fact of what has happened!

Many of us who come here have lost a cherished loved one, as well, whether it has been a spouse, sibling, parent, friend or another important and special person or pet in our life. I can't claim to exactly know what you are feeling, thinking or even what is in your heart over what has happened to you, but what I do know is that pain of extreme hurt, that feeling of intense anger, that feeling of abandonment, that feeling of isolation, that feeling of impatience, that feeling of hopelessness and helpelessness, that feeling of guilt, that feeling of shock and bewilderment, and that feeling of frustration and having no control over one's thoughts that keep replaying that event over and over again in one's mind having lost many precious and important people in my life over the years!!

I want you to know that you are not RESPONSIBLE for your baby's passing at birth. it was nothing you ate, did, or acted out that caused this terrible event to have happened. I think you believe in some way that you are or were responsible? You were not in any way!! I don't know why tragic events like this happen to such loving and kind people like you, Andrea, but be assured that you are not alone as you try to the best of your ability to put the pieces of your life back together. What you must do is to forgive yourself right now for what has happened and realize that you have not been singled out by GOD or by some Cosmic force to suffer because of something you may have or might have said or done in your past. Life is not like that! We are not punished for what we say, think, or do, but because of these things in our life we are apt to ATTRACT to us certain situations, problems, circumstances because of what we may or might believe in in the depths of our heart. No, you didn't ATTRACT this terrible tragedy into your life, but what you have ATTRACTED into your life is more and more pain and suffering because of what you are THINKING about now!!

Your impatience, your anger and your overall deep depression is a result of not being able to forgive yourself for what has happened and also for trying to punish yourself for being in some way responsible for this tragic event. You must try, as best as you can, to let others help you in this very delicate time of your life by allowing them to do things for you. There is nothing wrong with asking for help or for someone just to hold you like your partner, who must be wondering what he can truly do for you without angering you any more than you are already. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants to help you, but he is somewhat afraid of angering you not really knowing what it will take to bless you life, once again, like he use to do before this tragedy occurred.

You must allow him access to your heart again by asking him to forgive you for all that you have said and done because you really haven't been in your "right" mind since this devastating loss, Andrea. This is not who you realy are and I know you know that!!! We can't fight the loss of a loved one all alone because it is too consuming, both mentally and emotionally. Without a loving and devoted support system of friends and family, we will struggle and struggle with our loss because we will be unable to change that stream of thoughts that continually plays over and over again that terrible and tragic day in our life!!

It is going to take time to heal, both mentally and emotionally, from your devastating loss, but remember, healing can happen much more quickly if we allow others to help us. Look, don't get down on yourself for being the way you have been just realize that you don't have to be this way any more, but you have to make that choice to stop THINKING and ACTING in those ways that scares or frightens those who truly want to reach out to you to help you in your time of great need. Remember, there is no "WRONG" way to grieve the loss of a special and precious loved one, nor is there any time limit, either. However, let us gently put our loving arms around you and comfort you knowing that we will always be right here for you, no matter what may happen in your future, okay?

In the meantime, go to your partner and ask his forgiveness and then, open your heart to those who truly want to bless your life, and then, know the real meaning of unconditional love and security in your time of real need, my dear!!!

Always a loving friend,

Steve D.

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evanryan,

thank you for your reply.

i lost will at 23 and a half weeks, i went into premature labour on the 7th december 2003, i was stood in the middle of a grocery shop getting bread and milk and all of a sudden i lost an emense amount of water, which was the amniotic fluid, i wrapped my coat around my waist and ran out of the shop! i didnt have a clue what it was at the time. my mother and ian was in the car outside, my mam knew what it was and took me straight to hospital. when i arrived i saw a registrar, he told me what he thought it was and said he would hook me up to a drip to try and prolong the labour, he also wanted to put a cervical stich in me and give me steriods to help with baby's lungs.

the midwife who was there at the time was very rude and said we dont do that at this stage in pregnancy, its probably just a water infection, took the registrar out of the room to have a word and come back saying, we are going to give you pethidine and see how you go.

2 hours later the moved me to a normal ward and discharged me the next day, 9.30am.

i returned home still in pain and thought a bath would ease me, little to my knowledge this actually helps to bring the labour on, nobody told me!

i was in even more pain than before and really tired, i had a little nap and was woken by a phonecall from the hospital. they told me that i had to return to the hospital at 6pm to recieve an anti-d injection that they had FORGOTTEN to give me before i left, this is for my rare blood group.

i returned to the hospital at around 4pm, i couldnt take the pain any longer, iwas in tears with it, i could hardly walk and they had to get me a wheelchair to the ward. when i arrived they gave me the injection which i was led to believe, the anti- d, later to my knowledge found out it was actually steriods for the baby's lungs.

then they left me. in a room on my own, for five hours. i was still crying with pain, my mother kept telling them to send a consultant but there reply was they are busy at the moment in the labour ward, again i found out at a later date they wre not busy at all!

when my partner arrived at 10pm he was disgusted that i had been left there on my own in pain with no medical attention and went off to find some help, they must have just had a shift change around this time because the lovely nurse who looked after me the night before came rushing in, she was gobsmacked that no consultant had seen me yet and went to find one straight away.

during this time i went to the toilet and although i had been bleeding throughout my pregnancy the amount that was there was different from normal, there was loads. as she returned i stummbled back to my bed distrought from the amount of blood i had seen and this is when i think it hit me that i was going to lose my baby. the hospital staff kept this to themselves up until this point, i also learned at a later date they knew form when i went in the previous night that this is what was happening to me.

as i got on the bed the consultant looked at me and within seconds told me i was 3cm dilated and in labour, this so called consultant wasnt even a consultant, she was a junior registrar, which i also found out!

i was rushed to the labour ward and everything the registrar said he would do on my first admittance was done, it eased the pain and prolonged it, we thought that everything was o.k now, even the midwife who was with us said she thought it was o.k now. at 5am everyone was tired and drained so i sent my mother home, who god bless her helped me throughout the night, i told her if anything was to happen we would ring her straight away, even the midwife said she would call her for me a.s.a.p.

then 30 minutes later that was it i had this horrible pain like i was being stabbed down below came over me, i screamed, ian went rushing for the midwife who had only just left me for the first time all night to go to the loo, they came back the registrar was there and they had a look at the monitors and at me and said this is it, the midwife went to get the peadiatrician and he explained to me that when the baby was born he would be very small, and if he was bruised they could not help him because this would mean that he had been badly damaged, if he wasnt there would be a 50-50 chance for him to survive this ordeal, they would have to cut him out of the sack because he would still be inside so they would have to take him straight away. and in minutes he was here, he was rushed off i kept asking is he bruised is he alive????

they were gone only a matter of seconds my mam arrived just as they returned she was hysterical which made me even worse, they handed him to me and said im sorry theres nothing we can do, i went mad he was still breathing i said keep trying hes still breathing, they said hes to small we cant get the tubes in to help him, its better this way he will probably be brain dead anyway, i had to stop ian from hitting them and going mentle.

anyway 6 long minutes passed and will took his last gasp and we were all devastated and i couldnt breath my whole heart was aching it was absolutly the end of my world, we spent the whole morning with him we had him christened and some prints taken even some photos, then at 1pm we went home, no baby, just a funeral to arrange, i felt lost and empty and hated the whole world and god, i kept saying how can anyone love god when he can take my beautiful little baby away??????? hes awful, nasty, what have i done to deserve this????

i suffered really badly after this for 6 long months all i did was cry, i wouldnt speak, go anywhere, or touch ian. i felt like i was a failiure to him. i feel bad now because at christmas i couldnt be bothered to get excited for my 6 year old son kieran, he knew what had happened and cuddled me lots but he felt helpless i could see that, and he was hurting every time his mammy cried. but i couldnt help it. i saw a councellor after a while and she helped a bit, to the point where she couldnt do anymore for me, the rest was up to me.

but like i say im back to square 1 again, i am in the process of fileing a complaint against my hospital for the dispicable way they treat me, and i think this doesnt help, its still all in the open, nothing has been finalised, and no one has paid for this yet, im so angry still, they are so patetic, they deny all things iv said and said i would probably only remember 30% of what happened to me but i remember everything, they said they did everything they could but we know otherwise. thing is all they say is what counts, if we went to court, what they have in my notes stands, so how do i win, how will they pay for this, why is this the way the system has to be??????????????????

its not fair, this to me means more people will go through what i went through and nobody will be able to stop this. i feel helpless, its not fair that more people should suffer, they have to be stopped from treating people like this.....

anyway thanks for listening to me, i feel better for saying this, its hard to talk to people close to you, you dont want to be a burden or make them suffer more, i appriciate your time.

yours gratefully andrea, wills mam.x

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thank you steve for your support and reply,

i understand what you are trying to tell me and i will try my best not to push him out. he does love me i know that but i find it very difficult to talk to him about it, sometimes i dont even know what to say, about how i feel or what i want. he wants to talk to me tonight when he returns from work, he wants to know these things iv just said. but how can i answer them when im not sure how i feel or what i want???

how can i explain i dont want to loose him but im not the same person i was and never will be, he wont want me anymore if i do not change?

this is all very frustrating. i am sick of the act i must put on everyday to hide my emotions this is why iv ended up depressed again. iv shut everything out and not said anything, not there is anything in particular getting to me its the whole thing,and because of this it has built up inside and is now filling my head and heart with hurt i cant fake a smile anymore.

do you understand what im trying to say????

how can i talk to him when there isnt really anything to tell?

how can i get over this when i dont really know what is wrong myself?

am i being selfish? i feel i am in a way not thinking about what he must be feeling too, but i cant seem to help it, he dosnt show it at all, he doesnt talk either.

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Andrea,

Well it seems that something will get settled tonight, one way or another!! Look, you must not be afraid to express what is in your heart to him. Of course, it helps to talk in a controlled type of way, looking and choosing your words slowly and deliberately so that you stay away from blaming, or hurting, or putting your partner on the defensive.

Ask him to sit right there in front of you and while you take his hands in yours, look him in the eyes and tell him how sad you been, how bad you feel and how depressed you have been because of what happened. Again, don't blame anyone for what happned and try not to trade insults with insults if he suddenly lashes out at you for some reason. You must be the one who controls the conversation, the emotional range and volume of the responses and you can do that by holding his hands showing him that you truly love him dearly.

To many times in a discussion words or phrases are taken out of context and that's when the shouting or the raising of the voices begins and that's because no one is really listening to the other person. Listening is a real talent that not many people can do because so many times when you are talking the other person, he is either not listening at all, or rolling over in his mind what he is going to say to you or just thinking about something totally different and missing the main points of what you are telling him. Let your parter have his say as you will have yours without interrupting him, even if you don't agree with what he is saying. The main purpose of this discussion with him is to create a bond of communication that is strong so that each of you will not hold in your heart or in your mind things that may be bothering you, either about each other or especially about the tragic passing of your precious child.

Remember, he is no doubt hurting as much as you are, too. However, we men hide our emotions quite well and sometimes to show them makes us feel a little vulnerable!! If your partner can get over the fact that showing one's emotions, not just the anger or the frustration, but the love, the concern, the kindness and the compassion, then anything can be handled in your relationship in a positive way. Remember, once again, if he begins to lose his cool, let him do so without responding to him. Remain in control and direct the discussion where you want it to go, while at the same time allowing him to vent and express himself if he so desires, okay? Do this will open many doors for expressing your feelings with each other!!

I will be right here for you, Andrea!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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I am so upset and sad about what is going on in my life at the moment. I just lost someone close to me and no one where I lived asked how I felt about it and when I went to the funeral I cried for almost the entire time. My eyes were even hurting. Now the state pulls a fast one on me and now I am having to move a week from tomorrow and I don't want to. I was actually doing pretty well in a foster home and not running off and they take me from the home and It isn't fair! I didn't do anything wrong; I've done everything I have been asked. v_v. I found out it was them but they should have given me a more advanced notice so I can say bye to all of my friends......I hate this. Sometimes I hate life itself. I can't even remember a happy time before this home and the home before. Does the state want me to be miserable until I am 18?! Why can't I be happy like everyone else with a 'family' is? It just isn't fair...sigh. Guess I better shut up.

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hi steve,

sorry i didnt write back 2 you iv been tryin to get myself sorted out.

1st point of action i took = talked to ian, told him how i felt etc, and he was great, told me i didnt have to apologise for anything, i have done nothing wrong he just wished i told him sooner instead of hiding it.

2nd = went to my g.p got myself some happy pills and made an appointment to see a councillor.

3rd= sent wills ashes and all of his mementos up to my mams so i can try to get on with things and eventually be able to go in the room without knowing wills ashes are there and reminding me all the time.

i think iv made a big leap from talking to you the other day, i still feel a little sad but not half as much.

thanks for your brilliant advice and comforting words youve bin great,

keep in touch, andrea

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Andrea,

I am so blessed that everything, especially with Ian, seems to be working out!! The key now is to relate to one another just as soon as something comes up that might cause a problem because the sooner the two of you can "TALK" about what may be bothering you, the sooner the two of you will be able to keep your relationship loving and moving forward.

To many times when people unintentionally hurt one another they allow their thoughts to fester and to grow all out of proportion and make what was a small disagreement into a full fledged problem with lots of anger and all kinds of strange behavior, as well, from both parties involved. Remember, keep the line of communication open no matter what happens and do so in a non-threatening or condenscending way, thereby allowing the other person to feel comfortable and to really listen to what may be on your mind. Lack of communication is the biggest destroyer of relationships regardless of what people in a relationship may do to one another!!

Remember, it is all right to see the doctor and have him provide you with some kind of medication to help you feel better. We must do what we can, especially having suffered through a devastating loss, in order to try to cope or handle this life changing event in the best way we are able to do so. So, don't worry about how long you may have to take this medication, just follow the directions and try, in your way and at your own pace, to move on with your life with Ian. One day at time, Andrea!! I am quite sure Ian is so very relieved that you talked to him and shared your innermost thoughts and feelings with him, too. He must have been wondering what he could have done but was afraid to approach you for fear of hurting you even more, especially after what you have already been through with the tragic and untimely loss of your precious baby!!

Remember, even when you are beginning to heal and even getting on with your life in a somewhat "normal" way, you will still have those moments when you will feel sad, depressed and even hurt just a little because of what has happened. That's all normal, my dear, and a part of the healing process, too. So, once again, just accept those moments when they come as being a part of the healing process, okay? Please never feel that you have fallen back to square one in your healing process if you have those days where all you may do is cry or feel so bad about what happened. Again, this is the road to your total healing some time in the future. As the emotions arise in your heart just accept them, acknowledge them and let them be without trying to run from them. It is when we embrace our fear, our hurt, our fragile emotions and face them head on that we heal the quickest. Always know that it is all right to do whatever it may be to help you through your difficult moments on your way to complete mental and emotional healing.

Always know that you are loved and supported because your life is so very important to all of us, Andrea!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for your loss,

Fathers Day has not been easy for me for 21 years. My dad passed away in 1984, and I have been struggling with his loss. I have been speaking for 14 years and have often referred to my late father as a continued source of energy and inspiration for me. Audiences have been encouraging me to write "Our Fathers Who Art in Heaven and What They Continue to Teach Us". I published a sneak preview last year for Fathers Day and I gave a speech to initiate the project. My vision is for the proceeds from the full book, which will be coming out this April, to be used as an educational and inspirational resource for those who have lost their father.

I'm planning on organizing a Father's Day rally in Buffalo, NY.

If you were to attend a rally on Father's day in line with the Vision, what would you like to have happen on that day?

Feel free to post your comments here or in my blog

http://murak.blogs.com/ourfatherswhoartinheaven/

http://www.ofwaihf.org/

Thank you in advance for your comments.

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sunshinebamagirl

I need advice if anyone can help. 5 months ago i lost my husband of 8 years in a tragic car accident I am just now coming to terms with the fact he is gone. He was going that day to pick up his best friend and take him to the hospital cause he had broke his wrist and on the way got killed. I have support groups that help me cope but his best friend blames himself and is really not doing good at all. How do i comfort him and what do i say I really need some advice i am worried this grief will turn to a worse level and so please if anyone can help e-mail me at werner_michelle@hotmail.com

Thank you

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:::Sunshine:::

The Only thing i can tell you really and truely from my heart, is....

talk 2that best friend, tell him "everything is gonna be alright we both can get through this. its no1s fault.." i believe Life is like a waiting room...

We're born.. and we have all this Opitions and Oppertunitys... We get to experiance things one by one... but once our Number is called, we go back home.. rest relax... and be in paradise!

so really hes not gone... but he is @ home!! and one day we will be going home too... back home to our father! right now, we're just all currently with our mother, experiancing the world! but we will be home, and be with our husbands, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers... ext!

You both need each other to help each other out Sunshine! so keep talking with this friend!! become friends!

and dont look @ it as a bad thing... look at it as if hes still there! because he is! everyday in everyway

God Bless

Baamaapii (Good-Bye)

Mundaquance (Pretty Grrl)

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I lost my wife on Jan 25, durning a coronary artery procedure. We have been married only 27 months, a second marriage for both of us. My first wife died suddenly in 92 at age 50 and Rose was only 69. I am not sure I can handle this grieving a second time around. I don't understand. I keep asking WHY. When Rose came into my life after being a widower for about 6 years, I started to live again, now I'm not sure of anything. I know I should look forward to life with my kids and grandchildren, but none of that seem important without my wife, my life besides me. I wish I could find a reason for going on. I will not do anything drastic, but I have no will to go on. Don

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xnativeangelx

Every1 I'd Like 2Share This Song, I Recently Sponsered a Child In Need, And It Gave Me A Better Outlook On Life... And Made Me Realize There Are Much More Ppl In This World Who Go Without Less... And Pandis Made Me Realize That, Hes From Cambodia... And Hes Only 6years old! W/ 2sisters and Mom And Dad who work for 20cetns an Hour... So I Wanted 2Place This In Here... From The Bottom Of My Heart!... 2him and Others!

Shaina Twain (God Bless The Child)

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

God bless the child who suffers

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

God bless the young without mothers

This child is homeless,

That child's on crack

One plays with a gun,

while the other takes a bullet in his back

This boy's a beggar,

That girl sells her soul

They both work the same street,

The same hell hole

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

God bless the child who suffers

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

Let every man help his brother

Some are born addicted and some are just thrown away

Some have daddies who make them play games they don't want to play

But with hope and faith

We must understand

All God's children need is love

And us to hold their little hands

This boy is hungry, he ain't got enought to eat

That girl's cold and she ain't got no shoes on her feet

When a child's spirit's broken

And feels all hope is gone

God help them find the strength to carry on

But with hope and faith

Yea, we can understand

All God's children need is love

And us to hold their little hands

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Let us all love one another

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Make all our hearts bilnd to color

Hallelujah, hallelujah

God bless the child who suffers

God Bless Everyone! Thanks 4Reading :D

Mundaquance (Pretty Girl)

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This story was here on beyondindigo. If anyone here has ever experienced this type of loss specifically, or if you are the person who wrote this, please email me. I have not found anyone who can relate to losing like this. It is so difficult to express. I just need someone who understands. Someone that I can email and share with. Thank you so much.

Shanni Marie Redshanni67@Aol.Com

My Hands Are Tied

by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW

Dear Deb,

At the edge of December 1998 I made a very good online friend. She was the best friend, online or off, that I have ever had. On June 10, 1999, she passed away. Quite frankly, I have lost good friends that I knew offline that didn't hurt me in the way that this did. My friend had a webpage at GeoCities that I visit every 3 weeks to keep it up. It had gotten to the place that it was easier to go to that page every three weeks than it was for a long time. My friend lived about 40 miles from me and, to make a long story short, she had a childhood that was full of mental, physical, and sexual abuse.

It's also worth mentioning that she told me that she was planning on divorcing her husband. After her death I ordered a back issue of the local paper to find out, from her obituary, where she was buried so that I could visit her grave. Her obituary said that burial would be private. I was finally able to find out where she was buried in late April 2000, through some online detective work.

When I got to the cemetery where her cremated remains are buried, I found out that her family still hasn't bothered to get a marker for her grave. I know that I reached her grave because she was cremated and the cemetery was very small; the man at the funeral home, who spoke to me, told me where she was buried. The man at the funeral home, who handled her, was very nice and frankly he's the reason that I was able to find her grave in the first place. Words can't tell you how much this hurt me. Seeing her buried in an unmarked grave, and finding out that my hands are totally tied because I'm not family, has hurt me deeper than I've ever been hurt and I feel so useless. It is a slap in the face to me to know that my friend's online friends (several people made tribute webpages to her) actually cared about her more than her family. I'm a 32 year old man and seeing that her grave was unmarked after almost a year hurt me so bad that I spent the whole day, after visiting her grave, home alone, on a crying jig. I cried all the next day about that.

Do you have any suggestions for the way I feel? My offline friernds, and even a few that are online, don't understand how I could feel this way toward someone online whom I never met.

Dear Reader:

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Just because you never met personally does not mean your friendship was unimportant. Relationships of value are based on knowing the true essence of a person's soul, and it certainly sounds like you knew each other well. I can believe she was your best friend. ContinuedYou are just approaching the year anniversary, and your grief will have been no less because you knew her only on line. Each significant anniversary of that first year is felt intensely: birthdays, special events and the hardest is the one year anniversary. It also sounds as if part of your difficulty is that her family seemingly valued her so little. A burial in April 2000 seems a long time to wait. I wonder if that isn't reopening the grief also.There is nothing abnormal about your mourning her loss and your grief reaction. You had a close connection, and now you are deeply feeling the result of that loss. In olden times people had the wisdom to wear black for a year after someone died. They knew what we've forgotten: that it takes a minimum of a year and more like two to move through the stages of the grieving process.I don't know your spiritual beliefs about what happens after death. If you'd like to write me back and share them, I'd be happy to talk a little more about this. But many people view death as a transition to a different existence, not finality. And one therapeutic technique is to write to the person who has died. Sometimes this will be a one time letter to say what was left unsaid; sometimes it is a poem or statement of tribute to the person, with the item placed for others to read such making a memorial page. Whatever you choose, I do have a suggestion for you. Is there a place that you know she liked very much or think she would like? Remember only her body is in the grave--not her soul or her spirit. If there is some place you know she'd like, there is no reason you can't designate that as the place of tribute to her. You can honor her with flowers there, or a bush in your yard, or plant a tree in honor of her. She was loved and she touched others' lives.That's the essence of who she was and you were aware of that part of her. That her family wasn't, is their ignorance. But she lives on in others' memory. And while this is only my personal belief, there will be a time for meeting personally--just not now.You are coming upon one of the hardest parts: the one year anniversary. It's okay to grieve. And it's okay to honor her in your own personal way. There are many people who would believe her soul would know that.Again, I am so sorry for your loss and so glad she was so loved and cared about by others.

Blessings,

Deb

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willowlabelle

I am new to this and I hope that what I am doing is correct. I have read some of the discussions here and want to thank every one. It makes a huge difference to read others feelings. To know that there is understanding. Right now I am experiencing the same as others. My family has fallen apart following the death of my grandparents last spring. Well I have grieved that I now have to grieve the death of a family.

Also I have experience a multitude of abuses since childhood, from family members, and in my first marriage. But now... it is different because I now have had to accept the fact that I can no longer have a family member in my life because this person will continue to deliver abuse if I stay in touch with them. There is just an overwhelming sense of loss.

I read how this one man is tortured by the fact that this womans family did not realize what a precious human being she was/is.

Well that is my life story. Friends, Aquaintences have loved me better than most of my family. My family thinks little of me and are more than happy to let me know that. And yet other people tell me what a beautiful person I am.

It is bizarre, and sad. You are suppose to be able to be safe with your family.

Now that my grandparents are gone it is almost like I was living a lie. My grandparents loved me....with out a doubt. But their children, I think hate each other. And that is why they are such abusive people. I am just trying to understand. No one in the family will ever discuss this.

I have really crashed hard. I am below ground zero and some days I can't even see a way back.

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Willow..

Glad to see you here. You came to the right place for support. I am so sorry for your losses. Families are so difficult. You are right, they are who you should be able to count on, but sometimes can't. I have learned that sometimes we have to accept people for who they are, the good and the bad. Then, sometimes we have to let go of relationships that harm us. I am glad that you have friends that you can count on. Talking about your feelings is a great start.

Take Care,

Julie

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Beyond Indigo Is Looking for Message Board Monitors

Interested in volunteering a few hours each week to monitor a message board and interact daily with the Beyond Indigo community? We're looking for monitors to share their experience, strength and hope. If you are interested, contact Julie at julie@beyondindigo.com for more information.

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Don,

I just saw your post tonight. I can\'t say that I know how you feel, but I undersand what you are saying. My friend Kelly waited her whole life to marry the right person. She and Bob got married, she was 41 and he was 49. They were soul mates. The love of each other\'s lives. Noone I knew was more kind nor more gentle. They were both very loving and giving people. Six months later he died.

I don\'t try to pretend to have any answers. I don\'t really believe that things happen for \"a reason\". She is devasted. How can there be a reason? How can there be a reason that you lost 2 wives? 2 people you loved so dearly. She called me a few days ago to tell me she was tired and did not want to be here anymore. Not with out Bob. Now she has lost her beloved pet. I don\'t want to lose her. And I am sure your children do not want to lose you either. But I understand what it feels like to not want to be here anymore. Living is so hard. Living without people who filled our lives with love, is unbearable.

I hope you come back to the site and get this post.

With Compassion & Hope,

Meg

I lost my wife on Jan 25, durning a coronary artery procedure. We have been married only 27 months, a second marriage for both of us. My first wife died suddenly in 92 at age 50 and Rose was only 69. I am not sure I can handle this grieving a second time around. I don\'t understand. I keep asking WHY. When Rose came into my life after being a widower for about 6 years, I started to live again, now I\'m not sure of anything. I know I should look forward to life with my kids and grandchildren, but none of that seem important without my wife, my life besides me. I wish I could find a reason for going on. I will not do anything drastic, but I have no will to go on. Don
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Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

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wildcatdr143

Hi everybody, my name is Audra, im 38 years old and my father passed away dec 4th.. i took care of him, he has been telling me for years that he only had a year to live and i would always tell him, only the good die young, i was not even ready for the shock of my life. In sep of last year i lost a 8 year relationship, at that time things were going down hill and fast,i was doing all this on my own,feeding him bathing him,. It all happen so fast. my 18 year old was in school and i felt i had no one to turn to.he said he wanted to go to the hospital at the end, so on dec 3rd i knew it was time for him to go.

my son and i sat by his side sill he took his last breath, i thought i was going to loose my mind, because i thought to myself, he was there to see me take my first breath, and i was there to see him take his last breath. i feel like i cant get it back together in my head. im still so lost without him. my father was with me all my life.....Audra

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Hi everybody, my name is Audra, im 38 years old and my father passed away dec 4th.. i took care of him, he has been telling me for years that he only had a year to live and i would always tell him, only the good die young, i was not even ready for the shock of my life. In sep of last year i lost a 8 year relationship, at that time things were going down hill and fast,i was doing all this on my own,feeding him bathing him,. It all happen so fast. my 18 year old was in school and i felt i had no one to turn to.he said he wanted to go to the hospital at the end, so on dec 3rd i knew it was time for him to go.

my son and i sat by his side sill he took his last breath, i thought i was going to loose my mind, because i thought to myself, he was there to see me take my first breath, and i was there to see him take his last breath. i feel like i cant get it back together in my head. im still so lost without him. my father was with me all my life.....Audra

Audra - I am truely sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was in High School - now 14 years later - I understand what you mean. I too had a loss in December - two actually - My Uncle the week before Christmas, and my Grandma the Day after Christmas. Christmas just wil not be the same that's for sure. Like you and your dad, they were a part of my life forever. My grandma a second parent almost when my mom was a single mom. Hit home really hard, and I have been having a hard time too. I am sure glad to have come across this site. Hang in there Audra - I think as we move forward with our lives, we will learn to live with the grief, and hurt. You can never really get over it - just learn how to work with it I suppose. Many blessings! Teresa

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tdubslilsis14
Hi everybody, my name is Audra, im 38 years old and my father passed away dec 4th.. i took care of him, he has been telling me for years that he only had a year to live and i would always tell him, only the good die young, i was not even ready for the shock of my life. In sep of last year i lost a 8 year relationship, at that time things were going down hill and fast,i was doing all this on my own,feeding him bathing him,. It all happen so fast. my 18 year old was in school and i felt i had no one to turn to.he said he wanted to go to the hospital at the end, so on dec 3rd i knew it was time for him to go.

my son and i sat by his side sill he took his last breath, i thought i was going to loose my mind, because i thought to myself, he was there to see me take my first breath, and i was there to see him take his last breath. i feel like i cant get it back together in my head. im still so lost without him. my father was with me all my life.....Audra

Audra - I am truely sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was in High School - now 14 years later - I understand what you mean. I too had a loss in December - two actually - My Uncle the week before Christmas, and my Grandma the Day after Christmas. Christmas just wil not be the same that's for sure. Like you and your dad, they were a part of my life forever. My grandma a second parent almost when my mom was a single mom. Hit home really hard, and I have been having a hard time too. I am sure glad to have come across this site. Hang in there Audra - I think as we move forward with our lives, we will learn to live with the grief, and hurt. You can never really get over it - just learn how to work with it I suppose. Many blessings! Teresa

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Audra,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will continue to join us at BI and share. There are some wondefully supportive people in the loss of a parent forum. I encourage you to join them there to share and let them help you thru this difficult time.

Take care,

Julie

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My grandma has cancer and was admitted to the hospital Tuesday with what we were told is an infection. To make a long story short it's not just an infection and she is probably not going to make it. I've never lost anyone other than my cats, who I consider my children, and I don't know what to do. She's only 78. She's not supposed to die this young. She was so active and this is so sudden and I don't know how to handle this. I'm angry. I'm sick. I'm shaking. I'm crying. I'm screaming. I'm praying and I'm totally helpless. I don't want to live without her. I don't know how to get through this. It feels like I can't. I have the day off of work tomorrow but I keep thinking about how I will not be able to go back to work, which I just started 2 months ago, and get through my days with her not doing well or possibly not around. What does a person do to get through this?

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Well right now I'm dealing with so much. To start my mother died when I was 5. Me and my older sister only had eachother. Our father never wanted us and we grew up with our grandmom, greatgrandmom, and grandfather. When I hit 14 years old all 3 of them died within a matter of 2 months. I completely lost it, not only did I not have my mother, but now the only people I had that loved me died too. Well I went through a struggle many years. I went downhill fast. Rock bottom would be an understatement. Now I am 22 years old. I graduated high school, earned my AA and now am pursuing a BA. I have a wonderful man of 5 years and I had my sister who was my best friend. I had these two very special people in my life still, right? Well life decided to throw me another fast one. March 23, 2005, I was with my sister the whole day. Laughing, joking, and having a great time. I dropped her off and heading to be with my boyfriend. An hour later I recieve a call to get my sisters children. She went to the hospital with trouble breathing. I got the 2 month old baby and 9 year old boy and went home. I than called the hospital to see how she was, not expecting what I would hear. "Your sister didn't make it". Cause-autopsy came back inconclusive. She was perfectly healthy, took a nap, woke up gasping for air, and died. I'm completely lost without her. I'm trying my best, sometimes I feel I'm being punished. Well I took full custody of the 9 year old boy. The father of the 2 month of girl is with her daddy. The 9 year olds father is incarcerated. I am aquiring an attorney to look into medical malpractice because when she had the baby she had a c section and they pinched her nerve with the eproderom, and she was seeing a chiropractor. I went with her that very same day. I am also fighting with the boys father, because he wants to say that he wants the little boy away from me and with his family when he hasn't even see him once. When I was all my sister had, when no one wanted to be around. We were all we had. It was us against the world, now she's gone. I keep hearing how strong I am, how I haven't been dealt a good deck of cards in life. I'm so sick of hearing all this. I'm the only one who is dealing and finishing everything my sister left behind. I was all she had, and I am the only person willing to devote my life to her. I am 22 and now I am a mother to her child. I have no job and I am full time in school. Now I am without my entire family. I miss her so much, she was always the one to tell me everything will be OK. Now I'm lost. If anyone has some words that can encourage me, please don't hesitate to email me. I'm lonely and going down once again. Sometimes I think God hates me. She was leaving her abusive boyfriend, and I always told her to keep her faith in God. Now look at me? How the tables have turned. I'm alone and missing her so bad. I promised myself I would be faithful to her forever. I will sacrifice and dedicate my life to her now. I'm trying to be strong for the little boy. My god my sister, she was only 24!! I love you Jennifer! I miss you. God, I need help. EMAIL-ldomi007@fiu.edu

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just a bad night for me, and a hard week. i went off my anti depressants last week and it has been a little challenging. i usually don't cry......at least in front of anyone. now i can't stop crying. i think the fact that mother's day is fast approaching makes me sad too. my mother-in-law invited herself to my daughter's performance at her pre-school tomorrow. it is for mother's day and it is for ME. not her. i know....don't sweat the small stuff but this is hard for me. i don't want her there. i want it to be me and my daughter. i just miss my mom so much right now. last year was my first mother's day w/out my mom and it went much better than i thought it would. this year, i just don't know. yesterday, my daughter had an ear ache............first one for her, well, i didn't know what to do. i couldn't call my mom for the answer and since it was a sunday, i couldn't even call the dr. i felt so dumb and so lost. about a month ago my other daughter got sick, vomiting and diareaha for 2 days staight. well, i panicked again. my kids never thru up. i didn't know how to handle it. again i felt dumb and lost. times like these are so extra hard for me, that is when i want my mom here to tell me how to fix things. i just want to stop crying. i hate to cry. well, thanks for letting me vent. heather

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once again here i am complaining. today was extra hard on me. L O N G story short, my mother-in-law went to my daughter's pre-school for the mother's day performance. i was forgotten about. still crying and hurting. i'm hopefull that my emotions will straighten out after mother's day is over. heather

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debbieprsn

Hi! My name is Debbie. My sister and her husband are 12 weeks pregnant. This is the second time she has been preg. and the first one ended in miscarriage. She went for an ultrasound last week and the doctor found a cyst on the back of the baby's head. She was sent to a specialist and they told her the baby is not viable. He is not growing like he should and has multiple problems. This baby is not going to live and my sister has to carry him knowing he's going to die. The past few days she has had severe morning sickness and is not eating. She and her husband and our family are so upset. We are all mourning the loss of a baby thats yet to die. Every morning I wake up thinking about her and her baby. I cry on and off all day as I know she does. She told me last nite she has given up hope for any miracle. My sister has never had to go through much pain in her life and this is just killing her. Please, someone tell me how to get her through this. I don't know what to say to her. Thanks.

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Debbie,

I am so sorry for what your sister and your family is going through. This is such a difficult issue to deal with. As a woman that has had multiple miscarriages, I know the pain she is going through. Really, all you can do is pray for them, be there for her, listen, be a shoulder to lean on. She will need you. Time will heal, but it will take time.

God Bless,

Julie

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Davesmyangel

Hello everyone!

It has been a year ever since I have been here and I want everyone to know that I am grateful for all your help and support when I was grieving about Daves death. For all those who do not remember me 2 years and 4 months ago my fiance and I were in a car accident that ended up with him dieing beside me and my son being hurt really bad. My daughter walked out of the car with a scratch on her knee. I have back problems and I can never play baseball again.

To this day I have a hard time being in any relationships and I still compare every man to Dave. Dave was my life and still is my life. However ever since his death I have gone back to school to get my Grade 12 and I graduated last year. I volunteer my time to help people who have lost people suddenly.

I am there for everyone who needs me. Please take care of yourselves.

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Well I have grieved that I now have to grieve the death of a family.

Also I have experience a multitude of abuses since childhood, from family members, and in my first marriage. But now... it is different because I now have had to accept the fact that I can no longer have a family member in my life because this person will continue to deliver abuse if I stay in touch with them. There is just an overwhelming sense of loss.

I read how this one man is tortured by the fact that this womans family did not realize what a precious human being she was/is.

Well that is my life story. Friends, Aquaintences have loved me better than most of my family. My family thinks little of me and are more than happy to let me know that. And yet other people tell me what a beautiful person I am.

It is bizarre, and sad. You are suppose to be able to be safe with your family.

Now that my grandparents are gone it is almost like I was living a lie. My grandparents loved me....with out a doubt. But their children, I think hate each other. And that is why they are such abusive people. I am just trying to understand. No one in the family will ever discuss this.

I have really crashed hard. I am below ground zero and some days I can't even see a way back.

Dearest Willowlabelle,

I'm very sorry I never saw your posting earlier and don't know if you're still frequenting this board, but if you are, I want to tell you I think we may share VERY similar stories. I've been on this site and others for a month or so now and have found very few people who share such pasts....and presents! I have gone through the same sorts of things and am STILL having to deal with them, over and above the normal, but in my case also "complicated grief" process. To say this makes grieving much more difficult than usual is quite an understatement!! It's very hard to find understanding ears for these kinds of things....I should know, as I lost not only remaining family members but other relatives and supposed friends alike when my Mother and brother died within 2 months of each other last year ('04). If you are still reading these postings on this board, please write again, as I feel extremely alone about this. The few people I found who shared SOME similarities have perhaps not had as MUCH in common and have moved on to share with others. This road is getting very frustrating...and seems to be just another refrain of my entire life...feeling different, alien among my own 'kind', no matter what the situation I was dealing with. While there are many similarities to people's feelings, no matter the details, only those who have lived the same kinds of lives can truly understand the enormity of what grief does to you under such conditions....and I'm still searching.

Warmly and with Compassion,

Swede1

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I had told you on another note that I lost my husband of 45 last week.We had moved to Florida 10 months ago from Ohio. Sold everything and came south with two of our horses. During the night as I was sleeping beside him his arm came over and hit me. I thought he was just restless and moved his arm back. In the morning I found him dead beside me. I am so sorry to bother everyone because I know you have your own grief to go through. But, I am so alne here in this apartment. Two of my kids are in Ohio and one lives 5 hours from me. They all left yesterday to go back to there jobs and families.I think I am going nuts. I cannot stop crying, screaming and feeling so quility for not being a better wife to him. He was a angel and never complained about anything. I was a gripe and complained about something a lot. I cannot take this grief and guilt much longer. I just want to go to heavan with him and give him a big hug and tell him I love him and am sorry for being a gripe.But, then I have not been the greatest person on earth and made lots of mistakes and commited lots of sins. I ask forgiveness but went a sinned again. So, I am not worthy of heaven.'

I cannot live like this anymore. I hate myslef and miss my buddy so very much. You would think I could look at his horse, Annie and give her a big hug, but when I see her I just cry and cry so hard I get sick. I did not know anyone could cry like this. I cannot eat, sleep in the bed. Today I had to go to the store and got in there and just started to cry and cry and had to leave. Something is very wrong with me and I do not know what to do. My kids want me to return to Ohio where I have them and the gradkids. But part of me says I should stay here where he loved it so much. I am so sorry to ramble but if I do not talk to someone I think I just cannot go on

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junecleaver42

Dear Winsome57,

My name is Carol, I lost my husband on fathers day of this year, we were making love when he had a massive brain aneurism in my arms. All though we were not married as long as you, ( we were married, 24 years, 6 months and two days) I too feel severe pain. Please.....dont talk like you are going to go to hell, its not going to happen, you are depressed right now and so severely hurting inside. right now i think it would be apropriate to go and visit your children. I dont think you should be grieving your dear love alone. Let your children help you grieve and also help your children grieve. I also have children, 4 of them, not all grown and out of the house yet. I can not give you answers to anything since i am trying to find the answers my self, but i CAN TELL YOU that he is smiling down at you now and he feels your love and also your pain and wants you to heal......heal! please contact your children! take some time with them,

Much regards, Carol

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Winsome57, you wrote that you have conflict in your heart about being forgiven. Perhaps these questions will help you. Is salvation based on you or the Lord? He will never leave you or forsake you. Who forgives? He throws your sins as far as the east is from the west. By these answers, know that your faith is in Him, and He will keep you.

You will see your beloved husband again. He is in Heaven, waiting for you with open, loving arms. if we can be of help, please feel free to write. For the moment, I agree with Carol, and believe to share tie with your children. You may all be suffering, but you all have support and comfort to offer each other. Mark

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Winsome57,

I would like to share my ideas and experience with you. I don't know all of the answers but things are getting a little bit better for me.

When my 46 year old brother died suddenly, I immediately started to cry, no it was more like a wail. It shocked me to hear myself crying so deeply and loudly. It was as if something just took over my body because I had NEVER cryed like that before. He was my brother but I never knew that I would cry so much. Everyone thought something was wrong with me and everone was grieving differently. I am usually the one in my family who hugs everyone else and checks on them, even my older siblings, but I couldn't because I was in shock and couldn't stop crying. My eyes were swollen. I felt guilty for reasons that will never go away. But I am learning how to work through it and I am trying to honor my brother by learning from the way he lived. He saw humor in a lot of things and enjoyed the simple things in life.

But think about what would your husband say to you about your guilty feelings? What would he say? You KNOW that he wouldn't want you to feel that way. You obviously made him happy! You may not be able to think of what he would say to you right now, but you will.

I also wanted to go to heaven to be with my brother and my dad. I didn't want to let go of him. I have heard others say they have had those feelings also. I think it is a normal part of your grieving process but you have to focus on the people who are left in your life, your children. If you tell him you love him and anything else you want to tell him, I believe he can hear you. Get a picture of him and just talk to him.

As far as worthy of heaven?, contrary to what some people in this world would have us think, EVERYBODY SINS!!! We will all sin for the rest of our lives because we can never be perfect on this earth! It is ok. It is what is in your heart that God goes by not our mistakes! And you obviously have a lot of love in your heart so please don't ever think like that.

You need to eat and take care of yourself. Call one of your kids and let them know, maybe you can go to their house or they can come and stay for a while with you? I couldn't sleep well and the doctor gave me xanax because it doesn't have a half life which means it will help you sleep but you won't be groggy the next morning. There are others who take natural things to help.

Just know that we care here. Please keep us posted on how you are doing?

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Thanks to all of you who have repied. I am so in a panic today. I am alone and I am crying and screaming and this is not normal for me. I miss him so very much and do not want to live without him. I am having panic attacks today. I feel like I am going to just loose it totaly. My kids are gone now, back to Ohio.

You would think that looking at things or fdriving by things that we did together would make me feel good, but it panics me totally . I do not understand that at all. I do not feel good thoughts, but just sad thoughts. I still feel such guilt of not telling him more often I loved him more than anything. I wish I could have said goodbye and I wish I could have told him that he was the most important person in my life. I am writing this because I am in a state of total panic. I don't know if that is normal or not. It is like I cannot breathe right and I just want to scream and scream. The kids want me to come back to Ohio. And I am so lonely ans so sick, but then I would be leaving the one place that he loved so much and looked foward to living here and enjoying the sunshine and each other. God, I just do not know what to do. I feel if I leave I will be closing a book on our life that we wanted. I am sorry for going on and on, but if I do not talk to someone I think I cannot make it through the day.

Thanks for letting me just talk

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winsome57,

Do you have a friend you trust to come over and be with you for a while? If you can't get to a doctor to get something to calm your anxiety then I remember shortly after I lost my brother and before I got something to calm my anxiety attacks, one night a family member brought me a big glass of wine and kept coaxing me to drink it all because I didn't want to do anything, I was so distraught. It made me sleep for a while and calmed me. It is amazing how it can calm the nerves.

Also, I know this is hard to accept and you just don't want to accept it. It doesn't feel real does it? I still have troubles with that too..but you are strong and you will make it through.

He knows that you loved him and that he was the most important person in your life...believe that. I believe that he can read this and hear you. As far as going back to Ohio or staying, you are the only one who can decide what you need to do. It kind of sounds like you want to stay, however, you need to be with someone until you can get through this hard part. Could you go to visit your kids for a while?

Please keep posting. We are here for you.

L

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junecleaver42

Winsome57,

You don't have to give up what you have there where you live, why not consider just an extended vacation with your children for awhile? You can have your mail forwarded to you so you dont have to worry about that, its pretty easy just go to post office and fill out a card, and just turn the thermostat down. let your trusted neighbors know where you will be and leave a phone number where they can reach you if they need to reach you. Also, I have to agree with Lauraanne about seeing a doctor, your family doctor will do. Mine did, he prescribed xanax for me and my daughter, we could not sleep, it helps so much, it is prescribed for panic attacks also, it would help you greatly to try this. You dont even really have to see your doctor, just call and explain what happened with your doctors nurse, and they will call in the prescription for you to walgreens, walmart, etc. just tell them about the panic attacks. Also, when i feel this crushing on my chest i like to take deep breaths, and try to relax, i say try because it is hard, i know. tonight i took my youngest son to wendy's for a dinner date - he worked until 6pm. he is 17 years old. while we were eating, he told me... mom, everything is going to work out, dont worry. i said, jordan, it sometimes feels like i should be waking up sometime, like it is a bad dream, he also feels like this. we then started talking about all the neat things Ed did, and started feeling better. not great but better. i hope this helps you winsome57. Carol

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You would think that looking at things or fdriving by things that we did together would make me feel good, but it panics me totally . I do not understand that at all. I do not feel good thoughts, but just sad thoughts. I still feel such guilt of not telling him more often I loved him more than anything. I wish I could have said goodbye and I wish I could have told him that he was the most important person in my life. I am writing this because I am in a state of total panic. I don't know if that is normal or not.

Dear Winsome57(hope the # is right!),

You poor dear....I read your posts and just hadn't had time to reply til now. Of COURSE these feelings are normal! Don't think you're going crazy or anything, although I know it feels like that many times. Those are just very powerful feelings that grief brings on. They're extremely difficult to process and experience, but trust me, they're experienced my many, many people in grief. Seeing things from your past together IS a heart-wrenching thing! I couldn't go anywhere for a long time without busting into tears if the last time I'd been there was when my loved one was alive, even if it wasn't a place we'd BOTH gone to! Just the memory of your 'old' life together is enough to set this off inside. It, too, is a NORMAL reaction. And I know that knowing these things are normal doesn't stop the horrible feelings, but it's a start to help you realize you at least don't have to panic about THAT aspect. BREATH!!!! DEEP breaths!!! OFTEN!! Give yourself THAT to remember to do as many times in a day as you can. It slows your body down to assist you in coping, in a nutshell.

The guilty feelings are normal, too. I still have many from 4 losses in my time. You'll be able to work through them some, but later. Don't rush yourself. The grief process can be long and arduous and it is still too new for you to do anything much but just feel the emotions and cope as best you can. I know all about people who "complain" alot ( my family's favourite activity in the past) and I've done my fair share as well with my loved ones. Don't beat yourself up over this too badly. SOME regret helps you to grow into a better person (again, later), so it can end up more of a blessing to become more aware of yourself and your patterns of behaviour, but TOO much just destroys everything around you, including yourself. I'm sure that's not what you or your children would want to happen. Your husband KNOWS now how you really felt (trust me, if MY Mom knows this about me, so does anyone else's beloved) and, as I was once told, there ultimately IS NOTHING to forgive. We all make mistakes, some of us plenty of them, but that love underneath it all HEALS it all, especially in the spirit world, where they are surrounded by LOVE and can't help but return to LOVE as an answer to everything.

While I wouldn't myself suggest drugs, maybe Flower Essences or herbs like Chamomile, to calm you some, might help. I don't know where you are, but you might find an herbalist, naturopath, homeopath or other more benign treatment practitioner in or around your area to help you through this without taking further risks with your health....which you need to stay as strong as possible right now so you don't develop more illness to deal with on top of it all.

A visit to your children MIGHT be a good thing for awhile, although you'll have to provide proper care for your horses if you go away. ( I'm also feeling badly for them, as they likely miss your husband as well...and again, wouldn't want THEM to develop illness for lack of physical and emotional care ) For me, it's always been a saving grace to have to tend to my remaining furgirl as I went through my (and her) losses. It provided me with the will to go on, for her sake if not my own.

Your extreme sadness, too, is absolutely normal. Why WOULDN'T you be sad, devastated, paniced? There aren't many of us who can take the passing of a loved one totally in stride! It's a life-changing event and not easy, no matter what the circumstances. For you, having just moved to a dream spot, it's that much harder in a way because your dreams have been shattered and you'll need to rebuild your life later. Of course, we ALL have dreams shattered and our lives are so different now, no matter who you lost or whether you lived with them or not....if you loved them, it's frightening and incredibly sorrowful. A counselor might help, too, if you can find one who specializes in grief issues. Or a grief group if there's one around. You could always phone your local Crisis Line and ask for help and resources - they'd be only too happy to help you find what you need.

Blessings and prayers to you.

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Hello. I hope I have come to the right place here. My dad has been in a nursing home for nearly 3 years, and I find myself feeling strange feelings. He is slowly going downhill, has had multiple strokes and cannot speak. He is wheelchair bound, cannot really feed himself, and is not really how he used to be, although he can still recognize family members and smile at us.

The other night while I was watching this funny TV show, I said to my husband, 'my dad would have liked this show', and then thought 'what the hell?' I'm thinking of my dad in the PAST tense, like he's already dead.

In truth, my dad does not feel that alive to me anymore, I mean, he isn't really living a life, so to speak. I sometimes feel like he's 'dead' to my mom and me, and it feels weird because of course he's not really dead, but it feels like sometimes I grieve about him and talk about him in the past tense.

Why do we do this? Is this normal? Why am I grieving before death? Can anyone here help me or point me in the right direction?

Thanks for your time,

Julie

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doverpoet,

Speaking from one who has lost forever a loved one...I can't touch him, or look at his face, or talk to him knowing that he can hear me...

I can see how you may have started a grieving process because you don't have the "old" familiar dad anymore as his situation has drastically changed. And if he is going "downhill" then you are indeed losing him slowly.

All I can suggest is to, while I know you still have these feelings, make the most of the time you have left with him. If he recognizes you and smiles then he probably hears you too. Talk to him and hug him and bring the world he has lost to him as often as you can. Cherish him while he is still here. He is still in there even if he can't tell you.

They make machines for people who can't speak where they can type even with one finger the words they want to say. Do you think it is a possibility for your dad?

I hope I helped,

L

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Why do we do this? Is this normal? Why am I grieving before death? Can anyone here help me or point me in the right direction?

Julie

Julie,

I know this feeling rather well, as I went through it with my Mother, and am currently experiencing it somewhat with my remaining furbaby who is elderly and has ailments. It is called Anticipatory Grief and is quite normal. You are starting to grieve in a sense (although it's not full-blown by any means) because your psyche is preparing you for what you see is to come. It's a defense mechanism to help you cope somewhat later on. In a way, I DO think it helps to face/prepare for the inevitable, and to my mind, can and should be used as Lauraanne suggested, as a means to deal with any unfinished business between you and your dad and, most importantly, to love him with everything you've got before it's too late. You could consider it a blessing to at least have this time with him, whether he can respond normally or not. You can still try talking to him about anything you feel you need to say while he's still alive, although I would caution you to try to be very aware of any agitated responses/ body language, etc. in case something you say upsets him.

I went through a very similar circumstance with my Mom, although she could still speak and move one arm and her head. She was in a Broda chair (a specially-padded and strapped wheelchair), unless she was lying down. She also had to be fed by hand ( I took over this honour on my last visit to see her; I live far away from home )and it served us both well. She actually returned to being able to feed herself in the last month before she suddenly had yet another stroke, but this one massive, and she never regained consciousness. I couldn't make it home that night to see her on her way. My Mom was institutionalized for (only) 6 months prior to her passing, whereas you've had 3 long years to watch the deterioration of the dad you knew. I know how heartbreaking this is to see someone you know and love waste away in front of your eyes. I would have to say though, that although my Mom was incapacitated, in a very real sense, she was stripped down to her innocence in a lot of ways, and I ended up feeling/ noticing that I got my 'original' Mom back in those last few months. Although her body was ravaged, gone also were the negative parts of her and she was so full of love for anyone who treated her with love and concern. Her essence had returned, and by this alone, I believed her time wouldn't be long. So this was the positive side of things for me. I got to give back some of the care she had given me as her child and although I would have been happier with years of such service in return, at least I got a small chance to physically and emotionally return some nurturing. My advice would be to try and remain as aware as possible to your dad's needs, moods, even thinking about what tiny things someone in his state might appreciate being done to make him most comfortable. Had I been able to be physically available to my Mom through those months, her care would have been better, with a more loving family member right there to make sure her needs were taken care of better. As it was, they didn't change her diapers very often, for just one example, and so she developed a raging peritoneal infection that must have been extremely painful. I did try to talk to her about past things that I wanted resolved in some way, but she didn't want to 'go there', so I respected her decision, as SHE was the one dying, not me. Try to conduct yourself in ways that you won't likely regret later, as you never know how long you might have to correct any more mistakes you might make....at least that's what I'd do. Hope this helps you out and feel free to share again or ask more questions if you need to! We're here, in part, to do that same kind of service work, but for the grieving, or starting-to-grieve!

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daughterrachael

I am going through pre grieving too. My dad is days, weeks, or months away from dying. I am so stressed, depressed, angry, sad, tired, and scared. Every time the phone rings I think it will be "the call". His body changed so fast but his mind was always there, now that's going too. I want to try and be there more but I can't take it. I feel so selfish cause I just want to go home and sleep instead of visiting. My family is so messed up to begin with, but now it is really bad. I want to run away.

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daughterrachael,

Yah, I remember those feelings well, from when my Mom was ill. I think we go through the same feelings whether we're physically around or not (I wasn't - live far away) and I remember waiting, on edge, for "the call", too. When it finally came, I could barely breath, even though I'd expected it for months. My Mom had gotten better about a month before, so it WAS rather a shock as I thought she'd have more time and I could visit her again before the end. Her mind, too, was worse than it had ever been. It makes it more difficult, to be sure, to communicate what and how you want to. My Mom had already made 'trips' into her past and I was never sure which world she'd be in at any given moment. I just tried my best to accomodate her needs, wherever she was. The stress of watching and waiting can get you SO tired, I know...crawling into a hole for a few months seems so enticing! If I may suggest, just ACCEPT ALL of your feelings and just experience them with your own permission to feel whatever you're going to feel, because too many of them WILL be ambiguous, and you don't need or want the guilt that many of them bring up inside....but if you feel guilt, accept that, too! And yes, if a family is "messed up" to begin with, don't realistically expect that to change...it most often just gets worse, and you don't want any unrealistic expectations setting you up for further despair. My (dead, 2 months after our Mom) brother told me decades ago that if you expect to run into difficulties, any disappointments or problems that cropped up weren't as hard to deal with since you'd expected them in one form or another. While I don't think this is a great way to operate for everything, keeping a consideration of it in the back of your mind CAN be of service when things are rough to begin with....even if it sucks! As for running away.....I STILL feel like that, 1 1/2 yrs. later, whenever something very stressful happens!! LOLOLOL It's a pretty natural response, I think. Of course, I DO really need a vacation, as I haven't had a real, go-away one in about 15 years! Maybe someday.......Thanks for sharing.

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daughterrachael

I so needed to read this today. You have helped me, I am feeling my emotions right now more than ever. They have taken over and I am allowing it to happen

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I'm facing the feelings surrounding my wife's terminal illness, and her reactions to me. My daughter died from the brutality of a rape, and I'm distraught over her death. My wife is angry at me grieving for my daughter, frequently ordering me to be "happy or else." She is also threatening to terminate our marriage, so I can be free to move on and find another woman with whom I can "be happy." Recently, she has also named a few of my female friends and ordered me to ask these ladies to marry me so I can be happy and our children will have a "good mother" after she's dead. Needless to say, I'm very upset about these things, and I'm at a total loss about what to say or think. Her behavior has been like this for so long, she's driven me from a hopelessly devoted husband to a man beginning to think of ways to protect myself in a divorce. This rationalle frightens me. If you have any ideas why a dying wife would do this to her loving, devoted husband, I will appreciate hearing your wisdom.

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Daughterrachael,

GOOD for YOU!! Give yourself a BIG pat on the back for not being too afraid to feel what needs to come out!!! It's a common mistake many people make and ultimately does them no good, as the feelings will come out one way or another, or get stuffed and do internal damage or come out in really self/other destructive ways. That's a huge, great step you've taken....and also don't beat yourself up for days when you don't WANT to feel everything - that's still a lesson in accepting where you are AT THAT MOMENT. It's a roller-coaster ride like nothing else is, this grieving thing. But the best advice I ever gave myself was to allow, with inner pride almost(!), to wallow when I felt like it and go as deeply into the feelings as I could in any given moment.....in direct opposition to what well-meaning but misguided friends told me to do. It served me well as I went through this journey, and because I listened to MYSELF instead, it was very empowering for my entire LIFE, in all sectors. Another good thing to do is to give yourself some kind of treat, anything at all that pleases you, when you've done some good work. It's very debilitating work, so reward yourself when you can - even if it's something very simple like sitting down for a few minutes, or having a tea or watching something in nature. Now don't forget that (((((((self-hug))))))))!!!!

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