I Am Just Grieving...

[michellemarie]

Betsy, call Hospice.They have grief counceling sessions either with groups or one on one. I called last night and I have an appt next Tuesday morning. It is free. I know life seems hopeless to you. Last night I cried on the internet with my sister and then with Jeff. I am so angry that she had to die. I curse the cigarettes she smoked. I don't want my mom dead.

My birthday is this saturday and my mom won't be here. She and I always had this little thing we did every year. She would go;'well I'll be 65 this year and you'll be 45 we are twenty years apart" we would just laugh. I told her before she died that I wouldn't hear her say it anymore and we just laughed about it.

See you doctor Betsy for some help to get by. I you want to write me at my e-mail please do-rapture102161@aol.com. Take care and remember all of us here feel your pain and pray for you Michelle

[suelowe]

I don't know if anyone has had similar experiences as me, cos everyone is different, but i find that when i go through a spell of really missing my mum, i get physical pains in my stomach, like i did last night. The pain i get is a deep ache, but it's an ache that literally stops me in my tracks. it's like indigestion pain, but it just stays there for as long as it want to.

if i'm walking around, shopping or doing the simplest of things like making a cup of tea, and i have this pain, i have to stop what i'm doing. its a very weird sensation. i lost my mum 2 years ago and i feel i'm in the mist of everthing, even though i hide it quite well.

i began to think i wasnt normal. well, at this rate, i don't think i am.

sue

[mofirefly]

Suelowe - I read about what you are experiencing in a book "Seven Choices" and apparently it is quite normal (whatever the definition of that word is) to have physical symtoms while griefing. I know from past experiences that my body handles stress in many different ways and grief is stressful. Of course, if this is something that doesn't go away or whatever you need to be careful to discuss it with a medical person just as a safeguard. Hoping you have better days without pain.

[suelowe]

mofirefly, i think the pain is normal, too although my close friend has described it as depression. i have low moods, but i dont think i've had depression. i'm saying it's grief because it starts in my stomach (half the time there's no warning of it coming) then i have to stop what im doing. I find it difficult to breathe, but my heart beats a bit faster then i'm reduced to tears and i cry quite heavily. i don't know if i'm making sense about that but it scares me sometimes as its a painful reminder of my mother's passing.

i think i will see my doctor about it, put my mind at rest. thank you! i'm hoping you have good, or at least peaceful days without pain too.

sue

[mofirefly]

Suelowe - You mentioned your heart beats fast - that could be an anxiety attack of sorts - but it does sound like your pain is related to your grief. I've read that crying is a very good thing because it releases good stuff in your body. I'm not sure anyone really recovers from grief, but they do learn to live with it and go on. I come to this site quite often because at least here I feel I'm with others who are listening and understanding even when what I type makes very little sense...and that is a help to me. Hope you find it helpful as well.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Betsy, Compassionate Friends is for anyone who has lost someone. It's primarilly for a parent who lost a child, but you are permitted to attend. They are a great group of people. I attended, but plan to attend Parents of Murdered Children soon, in honor of Jennifer. Take care of yourself. There are many feelings involved in grief, and some can show up as physical pain. Take time if you can for some extra sleep. When we sleep, our minds sort out our feelings. My prayers are with you.

[suelowe]

Mofirefly, sorry for the delay...sometimes crying hurts me cos i cry that heavily, but i think the anxiety, of this type, is the reality of my mum being gone, and that's when i get scared. i think that's when the pain gets really bad, so i just have to stop when it gets too much. i'm in my 2nd year of grief, and i'm not looking forward to christmas (or my birthday which is a bit before), cos it's another lob of reminders, and i could do without these reminders totally and utterly.

yes, i know what you mean about coming to this site, it's a very helpful site cos like you say, people understand what you're going through. What you type makes very good sense, so don't worry about that. hope we can talk more, and thank you for your help too. (Thanks to Mark too, 'alwaysmyjennifer' for support, this is appreciated a lot).

best wishes

sue

[mofirefly]

Suelowe - Just posted to you on anther forum, now found you here. Looks like we're both on our second year trip. Last month I told my husband I didn't think I felt like doing ANYthing this Christmas and I really meant it...then the other day I saw the Christmas decorations going up and stopped to look at them. I have always loved the decorations and I believe I will still put them up this year. When I'm told by others "that's what your Mom would have wanted you to do" I almost scream at them because how in the world do we really know what our mom's would want....but then I stop and realize, Hey, they're our Mom and the really do want us to be happy. I didn't live near my mom when her mother died, and I'm thinking about how she dealt with her feelings. She wrote a little in a journal and I know she went on and had a good life, but I really wish sometimes she had written how she did it. Well, I've babbled enough. Hope you are dealing with each day as best you can. Take Care.

[mybetsy]

Hey there.... well what can I say, things have not been getting any better for me. I am really starting to worry myself. I think I am making myself physically sick. I can not stop crying from this deep depression that I am locked into. I have asked Jesus to help me somehow. I can not eat, I have lost over 30lbs in the last month, and that is probably a good thing ( I am very over weight). I don't know what to say, I have gone to church several times but feel a deep emptiness always feeling deep in darkness and fear, God how I miss my mother. I can't handle this much longer......

[Guest Guest]

hi. i'm new to this site . i just found it. my father died in march of this year. he left behide a wife and 8 children. ranging from 11 to 29 yrs old. my parents had been married 30yrs he is all she knew. well she is trying to cope with the whole and be strong for the kids. but she misses him so much. i just dont know what to do to help he cope with it. and another thing. my father found out he had lung cancer about 5 yrs back, i put in my mind people dont live forever. well when i found out in 2005 in december. (what a christmas gift)well i still kept putting in my head people dont live forever. i have not yet broke down yet is that normal.? i start to think about him but then its leaves . i also dream about him alot. as i was talking to him. if things are going on in our family its like he comes to me in a dream.

i dreamed about my mother ,she is still alive but i was dreaming about her beening dead. would that be cecause my father died and i think that will happened to her too?

[Guest Guest]

hi. i'm new to this site . i just found it. my father died in march of this year. he left behide a wife and 8 children. ranging from 11 to 29 yrs old. my parents had been married 30yrs he is all she knew. well she is trying to cope with the whole and be strong for the kids. but she misses him so much. i just dont know what to do to help her cope with it. and another thing. my father found out he had lung cancer about 5 yrs back, i put in my mind people dont live forever. well when i found out in 2005 in december. (what a christmas gift) that it had speaded to the brian then three months later he had it through out his body, well i still kept putting in my head people dont live forever. i have not yet broke down yet is that normal.? i start to think about him but then its leaves . i also dream about him alot. as i was talking to him. if things are going on in our family its like he comes to me in a dream.

i dreamed about my mother ,she is still alive but i was dreaming about her beening dead. would that be cecause my father died and i think that will happened to her too?

[suelowe]

Mybetsy, i'm not sure what to say here, but i can certainly relate to the emptiness. When i lost my mum, i had unbearable emptiness, especially in the beginning, i felt like there was a hole inside me that i thought would take years to fill. The hole is still there, but i'm beginning to accept this hole, as i don't know how long the pain of grief will last. In my experience, the best way for me to somehow feel a bit like 'me' again, was to cry when i needed to, and to speak to someone. The very fact you've come on here to express your pain is a very positive step. Perhaps seeing your doctor would help you through this pain too, if he/she could come out to see you if you're unable to go out?

There have been a few times when i've been 'thrown' into the depths of grief that i can't physically move for a good few minutes, so i have to stay where i am until it passes. Grief is a very individual thing, so i'm really hoping you can take each minute/each hour at a time. I can't imagine the pain you're going through at the moment as i have a mild depression, but i'm hoping that simply reading this message and having the knowledge that someone can relate to what you're going through, i hope you find some comfort. God bless you. I'm praying you'll stay with us. let us know how you are.

warmest wishes

sue

[Guest Guest]

I am new to this site and this if my first post. I lost my husband four years ago, and my father 4 months later. For 6 years I gave cared for them both. I recently sold my home because it was too big for me to care for and I recently had my dog of 16 years put down.

I thought I handled me grief over my husband and father remarkably well, until I put my dog down. It was like an avalanche of emotion and I am a complete mess. I read some recent posts and it looks like I am not alone afterall.

I think working with others in my same situation will help me get through this.

Thank you

Mary

[rodless]

Mary, grief is a funny thing. Just when we think we are doing ok (no matter how long it's been) something hits us big time. The sale of your home and losing your pet who probably provided great comfort to you brought feelings of sorrow... each was a hard loss on it's own as well as being a connection to your loved ones. I am still in my house and still have my dog, both of which have been important to me since my husband died in July. I can understand why these have been so emotional for you. Take care and stay connected here. It will help. Mary Jo

[mkushnir]

Mary Jo,

Thank you for responding. One would think after four years we wouldn't be as prone to such emotional setbacks. I thought I was going crazy.

I feel terribly overwhelmed by an incredible sense of loss. Sometimes it feels unbearable.

I am generally an upbeat person and find the bright side in everything.

This has thrown me for a loop.

I never imagined it wold take me this long to recover.

Thank you for your love and light.

Mary

[suelowe]

I don't know what's happening as i'm grieving, but at the moment my heart feels like stone. i can't feel anything. I don't know what to say, do, think or whatever. i'm in the process of change, small change, and i'm trying to work out what the hell to do. My birthday has been and gone. i'm just like stone right now.

sue

[rodless]

Sue, I think sometimes our heart turns to stone for a time to give us a break. I have wondered why the last week has been so smooth - nothing seemed to bother me - and tonight I just fell apart again.... after seeing a funny Christmas movie of all things. It doesn't seem like there's a rhyme or reason to what we feel or when we feel it. Grief is a mapless journey. Take care. Mary Jo

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[suelowe]

I know it's 2007, the New Year, but i have such a feeling of dread. Well, more like numbness. I was at a friend's house last night, just seeing the new year in, then i felt very numb. This might sound daft, but as time goes on, my mum's death gets longer, i can't really tolerate it. Since she died, i've become quite thick in terms of what death is like. i don't feel like celebrating. The numbness i felt last night just overwhelmed me. I felt like crying, but i also felt like i couldnt and i somehow felt ill holding it back, so like a softy, i had to go home.

I can't really describe it right now. i just want today over with. Apparently it's a long journey ahead, but i've got a feeling it's going to be the bumpiest ride ever. Sorry.

just feelings i have, you know?

sue

[mkushnir]

Dear Sue,

I went through a period of depression when I stopped enjoying the usual thngs that come with life (ei birthdays, Christmas, parties, etc.,) This is a symptom of grieving. We miss our loved ones, especially at holidays. Eventually you will find peace and realize that death is much the same of life, and is part of our human experience.

My husband was so sick before he passed on, part of me knew he was finally at peace and out of pain, but another part of me wanted him to still be here. Even npow my mind plays tricks on me. My son is a marine pilot, and is leaving for Iraq in two weeks for his second tour. You can't imagine how I have imagined him getting killed and going through this again so soon. It overwhelmed me.

At least now I have learned how to meditate and quiet my mind. It sure helps to take my thoughts to more peaceful realms.

Hope this helps.

Kush

[ladyhitchhiker]

I don't know what's happening as i'm grieving, but at the moment my heart feels like stone. i can't feel anything. I don't know what to say, do, think or whatever. i'm in the process of change, small change, and i'm trying to work out what the hell to do. My birthday has been and gone. i'm just like stone right now.

sue

The only thing that helped me when I turned into stone was to go down to her gravesite - I know this sounds weird because I never go there because I don't feel she's there - but then I could cry and feel things for a little while. It made it real for me. I don't know if this helps. I am sorry for your grief.

[jackiewitter]

I have not felt like a stone yet. I am still full of ache. I, like you, just want it to be over with. I want to move on and be the person I was before my brother died, but I think that person is gone and will never return. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of people acting like they cannot talk to me, or like "whatever you do, don't mention his name". It's been 5 months now and the only thing that has changed is the frequency of the pain, it seems a little less often. If you find peace, please pass on how you got there. My prayers are with you.

[ladyhitchhiker]

I have not felt like a stone yet. I am still full of ache. I, like you, just want it to be over with. I want to move on and be the person I was before my brother died, but I think that person is gone and will never return. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of people acting like they cannot talk to me, or like "whatever you do, don't mention his name". It's been 5 months now and the only thing that has changed is the frequency of the pain, it seems a little less often. If you find peace, please pass on how you got there. My prayers are with you.

As far as being a stone again, it comes and goes. Sometimes, I feel nothing. Some days I feel everything, and am so full of feeling I feel I may explode. I read somewhere that in part of the grieving process you have to find out who you are again, rediscover yourself, because you will be a different person now. That you have to find a new identity, because so much of our relationships with others is how we perceive ourselves. I try to be the person that LeAnn saw. The one who was always smiling, always helping, always singing. A better person than I was the day before. That's who I want to be again, but it may take some time. I still feel like I have to be a role model even though she's not here. I feel even now more than ever that I have to be a good mom, even though she's not here. I don't know if any of this makes sense and maybe it's not even supposed to, but it is how it is.

[suelowe]

To those 3 people who replied to my message, thank you. Yes, that's what it's like, i feel lots of emotion, but then i don't feel any at all and i end up thinking there's something wrong with me. There's something i've always been afraid of since she died, and it's the fact of saying goodbye to her. It puts the ghoulies up me big time. Yes, i'm full of ache too, that's another excellent way of describing one of the feelings.

I've found one of my symptoms of grief is going really quiet. I don't want to talk at all, i just want to do things that are really boring, and hide. hey, i'll get out of this rut somehow.

thanks again, god bless you all

sue

[jackiewitter]

Trust me, I am the last person to know if something makes sense or not. I would have never believed that my world could be turned upside down like it has been. I have wanted to do everything from quit my job, leave my home, leave my husband...all of that. I think that may be one of the chraractoristics of grief "subject no longer makes sense". Do you ever say something and people just look at you with that blank stare? I find that happens all the time. Before this happend I was a somewhat intelligent person. I could converse with just about anyone. A little cynical but I made sense.

[jackiewitter]

Sue,

Hiding is my favorite. I have 4 children and I go to my room. Sometimes if I hear one of them coming I will slip into the closet, or sometimes I pretend that I am asleep in my bed. The saddest part is that I know my family needs me, I just don't have the energy to do that right now. The saying goodbye part is not even fathomable right now. I am hanging onto every inch, word, and every stitch that I can. I have the last two text that he sent me on my phone and the last message he left on my phone. I have locked them. I don't know what I will do if I ever lose them or if my phone dies. I hope that one day we can move forward with the joy and peace that it seems Claudia has. She seems so grounded. I wish you peace as well.

[4everjoeysmom]

Wow! Isn't perception an amazing animal?? Reality is that on some days I have tremendous peace. On other days I am like you describe, hiding from the world and everyone in it. I don;t want to breathe, let alone be a wife or anything else. My husband and others around here don't understand me at all. And it's hard to feel around them, because they all are more interested in going on with life than in crying with me. So, I just sometimes get quiet, sometimes get angery, and other times I'm ok... it's baffling.

I had voice recordings at my old office of Joey leaving me messages, and even one where he sang a very out of tune but precious happy birthday to me. I couldn't save the messages from that system when I left, and it breaks my heart. My cell phone service was cut off from the US, as I am in South America now. So I don;t have those anymore either. No home movies, as I was more a picture taker. And the one camera video I had of Joey playing with our dogs somehow disappeared from my computer files. I have found every other camera video, but not that one--the only one with Joey. I have such a paralyzing fear that I am going to forget what Joey's voice sounds like...

I may make sense on various days... but like you all here, "I am just grieving..." Love and hope to all, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Claudia - Sue,

Do either of you talk to your past loved one? One thing that I have found comforting is the conversations that I have with him now. Granted they are one-sided, but I can pour out alot of how I am feeling. I am an avid gardner and I started a new garden spot with one of the plants from his memorial. I placed an urn there and mounted a hanging hurricane candle on the fence. Each night I light a candle, it will burn for several hours. Most nights when I wake in the night (unforntunately is at least once between 1pm and 4am)I go out and talk with him. It seems a little silly, but I just want to say the words in hopes that he can hear me. I want him to know that I miss him and that his time here meant something. There is something quite comforting in the night when there's no sound and the vast sky. It's like no one and nothing else exist. Bless you both.

[4everjoeysmom]

I talk to Joey in the air. I talk to his pictures. I kiss my fingers and touch his face on the framed picture from his memorial service. I have an old e-mail from Joey. (Unfortuanetly I didn't keep any but this one--but I am grateful for it. It was a usual note saying hi, but for some reason this one clung to me. It's posted on his remembering Joey page. I just never planned on losing him...) I opened the e-mail letter and saved it in a draft form of a response. I add Dear Joey letters to it with dates. I was just writing to Joey this morning about talking with his brother Patrick last night who has made a bid to possibly own his first home. I communicate with Joey in these and many simple ways--sometimes while I am holding his old teddy bear or something that belonged to him. It helps some, but I am just dying to hear him, touch him, smell him, even have one simple dream visit from him...

[mkushnir]

I talk with my late husband all the time. I ask questions, and look at his picture when I am talking to him. I even bring out holiday pictures at Christma and Easter and somehow it reminds me that he is always there with us, if only in spirit. I like to let him know we haven't forgotten him.

I also have lots of notes he wrote when he was alive that remind me of his gentle love and care. It means so much more to me now.

Holidays are the hardest. Gosh I miss him.

Kush

[suelowe]

yes, i talk to my mother a lot, i talk to her photo where she's looking right at me and smiling. Depending on my mood, sometime i shout at her for leaving me, or hug her picture frame close to me when i'm crying. i have one-sided conversations about things like TV programs too. Other times, i don't say a word to anyone and i spend time alone. Someone told me not to get too sentimental, and i nearly threw that person out of the window.

In my opinion, i find it'a very mixed round of feelings i get. Trying to

accept my own way of grieving, trying not to be afraid of it, feeling anxious of crying in front of people, and yes, the puzzled expressions. I also think that the saying goodbye bit is totally beyond my reach. I keep one single strand of my mum's hair in a little re-seal bag along with other trinkets. And i have the number of the nursing home she lived in on my mobile phone, too. I'll never delete it for as long as i can manage it.

God bless you all

sue

ps, not sure what's gone wrong with this text, but apologies for it looking out of aligment.

[belindacharlette]

Has anyone gone through a divorce/separation? I am currently in this process and finding it more difficult to deal with than a death, because the person is still alive. It could be because there is a lot of dynamics to my situation. Also, is it easier to eleviate the pain when you are trying to help someone else out?

[jackiewitter]

Belinda

Divorce is alot like a death. It's the death of a marriage, something that you once thought was so sacred. I don't know if in your sitation the two issues are tied together, the death of a loved one and the separation of your spouse, but if they are then yes, it is multi-faceted. This is a situation that I am going through myself. We are not seperated, and do not plan on divorce, but it seems that it would make things easier. I find right now I have my hands quite full with my grieving, I could not possibly handle a separation. If you would like to email me, please feel free to. Sometimes it's hard just to put yourself out there. I still am not comfortable talking about all the issues that surround my brothers death, but it does help when you feel you are helping someone else. The pain sometimes is just to great and when you can remove yourself for a little then you can delay it a while. Take care of yourself and know that there are people here that you can talk with. Peace, Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Yes... "delaying it a while". I find that's exactly what I have been doing. Delaying the intensity and depth of my acceptance... It's a defense mechanism, and the only defense I feel I have that would keep me from bursting wide open; never to be mended again. Five and a half months have passed since my son Joey left this world. I know I could not possibly have survived if my heart, mind and soul would have taken it in one big gulp. Time... They say time heals all wounds. I know I will always have a scar a size larger than the galaxy, but perhaps there will be a mending of sorts of this deep, bleeding gash that once was my happy and full heart. I am hopeful. But in the meatime I take it slowly, one breath at a time... delaying it a while...

[ladyhitchhiker]

I talk to my little girl when I am scared and it makes me feel better.

[rodless]

Belinda, I have lost a husband to each death and divorce. For me the divorce was worse because it shook the foundations of who I was and made me doubt myself. The death left me with secure memories of being loved. I found divorce to be a burning angry pain and death to be a deep ache. Both hurt but in different ways. Mary Jo

[belindacharlette]

rodless,

You're reply hit me to the core. I would email you, but do not have G-mail quite yet. I don't know how else to communicate with you. At least with the dead you know they are gone even when you don't want to admit it, but with the separation/ divorce there are "sightings" periodically, and a part of you wants reconciliation, but another aspect is scared for someone else. Feel free to email me if you wouldn't mind "talking" further.

[ladyhitchhiker]

I read the title of this poem as a subject of a forum

and I was determined

that I would make a poem

that would maybe add importance

to the "just" in the title.

An' it harm none.

Today I am okay.

I think.

Tomorrow may-

be not.. maybe I will drink.

Unlikely because that's rare

but more unlikely would be for others to care

but I guess I should make this more about me.

Write this for the sake of me.

Selfishness does not become me.

Maybe instead this will help with someone else's grieving.

But today I contain my grief.

Tomorrow I may turn another leaf.

Tomorrow I may release.

Tomorrow I may decide to be fully me.

Tomorrow I may regress.

Tomorrow I may ask for less.

Who knows what will be brought tomorrow?

Tomorrow may be the END of sorrow!

Soon it will be two years

panic instills me as, an unfamiliar fear

but maybe this landmark

will hit grief right out of the ballpark.

I know it was just a shell that we buried

but the vision of her distorted shell, I find I carry

that with me every day.

Every day I have to wait

to see her in Summerland.

Every day I wait

to see her in so-called "heaven".

It's "just" grief

you know.

Or maybe it's JUST grief,

as in it is justified and it should be known.

Either way, I feel it's grown.

It doesn't shrink the way it should.

I know I should relax, let the healing fill me, and let myself feel good.

I fight it; I don't want to feel perfectly okay.

I don't think I could without her anyway.

With her

I saw all the light in the universe.

In her eyes I saw the stars shining.

In her eyes I saw the planets aligning.

In her I saw all that I wanted to be.

In her I saw all that I should be.

My only solace is she free

from pain, a true liberty.

But I can't help but feel that she

should be with me.

Or I should see

her in my dreams.

Today

so far I'm okay.

That may change tomorrow.

It's hard living day to day.

You never know when you'll feel the sorrow.

[Guest Guest]

Hello to all and what a fabulous website... I am from the UK and I work for a charity offering support to bereaved children. We are trying to put together a pack which parents can use as a guide when they have to tell their children they or someone close is terminally ill.. please has anyone got anything they feel would be helpful for me to look at adding in this pack. Many thank to all for your help.

[thegodess]

Hi, I haven't posted in awhile but i have been to one of the meetings from Compassionate friends and they gave me this news letter and i want to share it with everyone. (When i come to the end of the road and the suns has set for me. I want no nights in a gloom-filled room,why cry for a soul set free? Miss me a little but not too long,and not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that we once shared. Miss me,but let me go. For this is a journey that we all must take,and each must go alone. Its all part of the Master's plan,a step on the road to home. Whenyou are lonely and sick of heart,go to the friends we know and bury your sorrow in doing good deeds. Miss me,but let me go.

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[brujablanca]

I am having a hard time coping. My mother had a sonogram and mammogram that turned up a shadow, she now needs a second sonogram and a biopsy. We are very close, and at 30 years old I feel a need for her in my life. Then I found out the other day that my father has an enlarged prostate and is getting tests to find out if it's cancerous. Doctors in town are busy so they make us wait forever for answers and appointments. I am strong in front of my parents, but alone I fall apart. Today both my parents went to the hospital to get blood tests until the other tests like the sonogram and prostate exam can be scheduled. This is torment. I won't show my parents how concerned I am because I know they are scared themselves. My father's turning 60 in October and my mother will be 57 the same month this year but I know they are very scared about what is going on. I am very strong for them, but alone I fall apart even with my husband. He doesn't always know what to say. It's such a horrible situation. No one has answers yet and it's hard to get tests done soon, so we are all going crazy. My God I cry a lot alone. I am scared, my heart is pounding just writing this. I feel so alone. I can't believe both at once have to go through these tests. Oh my God I have no idea what to do. I just want to blank out. Go to sleep until it passes. I am not as strong as I thought I guess. I am lost. Sorry, I just had to say it to someone outside the family. I have to be strong, but fear I am not anymore. Please pray for us. I will do the same for all out you in return. Blessed be all and hug your family tonight. You just never know.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Brujablanca, I can relaqte to your fears. I had the same scare with my mother a few years ago. She ended up having cancer. After a double mastectomy and recovery she is cancer free. Her husband, my step dad underwent an enlarged prostate last year. He is fine now after some medications. It was not cancer. My dad had a double bypass a couple of years ago followed by infections that could have robbed him of his legs and/or his life. He has recovered. I was afraid too, but I never gave up on HOPE. I know you are scared. And I know you hope for all to be well for your folks. Many people their age go through various health scares and issues. Today things like breast and prostate issues and cancers can e treated and people make full recoveries because medicine has become advanced to ctach things early, and early detection gives greater chance for treatment and survival. A positive approach filled with love and hope, and positi ve thinking that all will be well does help when there is a battle of cancer. For my mom it meant everything to her to have that positive support and coaching through the scary processes she went through. It's not fool-proof. Things happen out of our control. But for us our faith in God was knowing HE is in control, and whatever happens, He will carry us through it. I'll be praying for you and your family. Hugs and blessings, Claudia

[brujablanca]

Thank you so much for your support. I'm sorry you went through all that, but knowing that you come through even stronger and never lost faith and hope gives me a lot of strength. I am so glad I wrote in this forum. Thank you so much. It gives me a lot of hope what you told me.

[Guest Guest]

I have three losses. My two children Derek and Leigha-Robin, and my wife Samantha. How does one go on after losing so much?

Lee

[sidvis]

Dear Lee, I am so very sorry for all you have and will have to go through. I have no answers for you, but I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you. My husband shot himself 21 months ago. I did not know what to do with all the pain. In my case, I still had my children. If I had not had them, I always felt that I would have ceased to exist. My heart was so broken I did not think I could survive. I just concentrated on one minute at a time, maybe an hour. As the weeks went on I sought out professional help through counseling and medication. I believe these things helped me the most. Also, some grief groups where I found other people who had suffered loss and were in as much pain as me. It was good to talk and be listened to. This web-site is a very good place to grieve. Everyone here seeks the same comfort you do. Keep posting if you feel like it. It does help.

[brujablanca]

Hello Lee. I am so sorry that you have lost so many that are dear to you. Remember that they are always a part of you and have a special place in your heart that can never be taken away. Living each day and night, as painful as it is, takes courage and strength beyond what any words can say. Be proud of yourself for pressing on and know you are never alone. Hang in there and know that your loved ones are only a prayer away. Now is your time to honor them by applying to your life everything you learned from them. This is how we keep our loved ones alive, in our daily thoughts and actions. Honoring them and knowing you are strong and brave is something that will help you in the longrun. Hang in there. Please feel free to write here again and let us know how you are doing.

Namaste, Bruja Blanca

[leetyler]

Thank you very much. My losses all happened close to each other. My most recent was my beautiful daughter Leigha-Robin. She was an aspiring model. She was trying to clean up her life and trying to stop doing drugs. Her heart was broken and it pushed her over the edge. I lost my wife to alcohol abuse. My son Derek was killed in a car accident with his friend. How do you go on after losing so much in so short a time?

[mofirefly]

Lee - So very sorry for the three you have lost. You ask how do you go on - and the answer is something only you can find. Those of us here can offer suggestions, but this is a journey you alone are taking - we can offer support and a place to come to that helps to sort out feelings. I feel you go on with your life while doing the best you can to bring honor to those who have been a part of your life - by remembering them each day and living a life as full as you can, simply because they no longer can. Mostly, you have to try to remember to take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal from the loss and not let anyone set a time schedule for you. Take care!

[brujablanca]

Thank you very much. My losses all happened close to each other. My most recent was my beautiful daughter Leigha-Robin. She was an aspiring model. She was trying to clean up her life and trying to stop doing drugs. Her heart was broken and it pushed her over the edge. I lost my wife to alcohol abuse. My son Derek was killed in a car accident with his friend. How do you go on after losing so much in so short a time?

Hello Lee. I am so sorry that so many you cared about died so tragically and near in time. It is hard to understand, but the truth is that we only die when we have learned what we were meant to learn in this world. For some reason your wife, son and daughter were ready to enter the next realm of living. How you can go on is very hard to put into words, but here it goes.

You are a better person for having known those you loved who have passed on. Everything you do, you do it with love in your heart and with every ache you feel for them remember that your love and strength keep them ever closer to you. It is important to know that you are not alone. Be patient with yourself and don't force yourself to do anything. Take every minute as it comes. It goes beyond one day at a time, it's more like one minute at a time, one second at a time to get through. Please post back here and let me know if any of this has helped. Let us know how you are doing. Hang in there. I will be praying for you.