Is anybody getting worse?

[DWS]

54 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Maybe that has been the secret all along. Live in this moment. Not the past, not the future , right now.

That's the way all of us have been encouraged to live life in general but it's not the way love goes. To quote Connie Francis, the "heart has a mind of its own". 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

My brother is mentally disabled and is always laughing because he lives only in the now. The pure joy he gets from ice cream or the sound of the harmonica makes me think I don't know as much as I would like.

My son is also mentally handicapped. One of the things Chris and I always admired about him (even to this day) is that he goes to sleep happy and wakes up happy. How many of us can say that on a consistent basis?

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

Maybe that has been the secret all along. Live in this moment. Not the past, not the future , right now. Get lost in the wonderful baby smell, let a good joke make you really laugh, marvel at a fantastic diving catch in a ball game.

Seems very simple but as we all know not easy. Or not easy for me. I can't seem to not feel what's missing and I can't seem to stop planning what's next.

My brother is mentally disabled and is always laughing because he lives only in the now. The pure joy he gets from ice cream or the sound of the harmonica makes me think I don't know as much as I would like.

I read a book called, "Resilient", by Rick Hanson.  And now I'm going back to it via audio book.  He calls the "good" things all around us "jewels".  It takes practice to be mindful of, and appreciate things in life.  And in doing so, one can accumulate "emotional resources" to buffer us through hard times.  For me, I'm actually finding it helpful in giving my nervous system a break from constant anxiety.  Here is a link to someone who describes his book and concepts in a nutshell better than I can: http://conflictmatters.nz/posts/2018_5/ 

[KayC]

I named it joy because I believe it was a message to me...a refrigerator magnet put in my path on day 11 of this journey...it was a lesson I took with me.

 

[Sar123]

I saw this on twitter from a man who recently lost his daughter 

“Grief is love that perseveres.” 
~David Frum~ 

[Bob1948]

This past week I suffered another emotional setback. My wife was English and I promised her that at her death I would take her home to her family. This week myself and my two children traveled to London and on our 55th anniversary, along with her family, we scattered her ashes. For me this was a feeling of great loss because this was the end of our relationship and I was truly alone. Now I will have to try and move on with my life as difficult as this may be.

[HisMunchkin]

Hello, Bob1948.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is understandable to feel like you're losing your spouse even more, or all over again.  And on your anniversary at that.  I still have my husband's ashes at home as I'm not ready to part with it yet.  But mostly, I still feel as though I continue to have a relationship with him.  It's all in my head, most likely.  But after being with someone for so long (not nearly as long as you and your wife either), that relationship is still there, ingrained in the brain.  In a sense, she is still very much a part of you.  I hope you'll be able to find some solace with that thought, and I hope that time will heal your wounds.  Wishing you courage and strength to adapt. 💝

[JCDV]

I think I am. I cannot eat. Sleeping is impossible. I'm emotionally drained. I miss my husband. I wish I had told him I loved him more. Our last discussion was a disagreement. I hate myself. 

[KayC]

@JCDV  Welcome here, this is a good place to come to where you can know you're heard and people care.

Please don't hate yourself, many of us have these feelings after losing our loved one.  

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

3 hours ago, JCDV said:

I cannot eat. Sleeping is impossible. I'm emotionally drained. I miss my husband. I wish I had told him I loved him more. Our last discussion was a disagreement. I hate myself. 

JCDV: Welcome to our board. Here you will find lots of nice, sympathetic folks who have experienced the same feelings you currently going through. Right now your emotionally in shock. Don't be hard on yourself or dwell on regrets (ask me how I know). Unfortunately, sickness visits every marriage sooner or later; and the spouse left behind has the tough journey of picking up the pieces and getting on with their lives. I'm sure you've both had many happy moments in your marriage. Please keep on posting here. We're here to help you and help each other every day.

[RichS]

16 hours ago, Bob1948 said:

For me this was a feeling of great loss because this was the end of our relationship and I was truly alone. Now I will have to try and move on with my life as difficult as this may be.

Hi Bob:  We on this board are all sorry for your loss. All of us have experienced and are experiencing what you're going through. That is why we are all here to support and encourage one another. Please continue to post here. This board and the people on it will help you get through this difficult time in your life; as it has for those of us who participate here.

[Boggled]

On 4/12/2024 at 11:46 AM, DWS said:

I imagine now that I will always hold this twinge of sadness when spring arrives. I used to love this time of year. 

I'm seeing the beauty all around, but I want to see him on the back porch, waiting for me to come back from my little walk, and to just be there to share the beauty.   I would always see him waiting for me, that "thing" that was between us, ... it was the meaning of life.

[LMR]

8 hours ago, Boggled said:

  I would always see him waiting for me, that "thing" that was between us, ... it was the meaning of life.

Beautiful sentiment. I think of the sound of his key in the door and remember how my heart would leap.

[KayC]

With me it was the sound of his car in the driveway, been years since I've listened for that sound...

[Sar123]

The book, “The Grieving Brain,” has probably been brought up  on this site a few times.  I was wondering if anyone here has read it and if they have, would they recommend it. In my grief support group today, someone said they had just started reading it. It sounds like it might be worth checking out. 

[JonathanFive]

19 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

The book, “The Grieving Brain,” has probably been brought up  on this site a few times.  I was wondering if anyone here has read it and if they have, would they recommend it. In my grief support group today, someone said they had just started reading it. It sounds like it might be worth checking out. 

I have not seen this mentioned, but this looks so good.   I am going to have to read this

[WithoutHer]

The loneliness in the late of night has become overwhelming again. Missing Vickie as deeply as ever bringing tears. Unable to see any form of loss on television without being triggered with empathy and tears. It's difficult to get any sleep again. I share my words here however it's giving me less relief than it once did. I read what I view as others progress after becoming familiar with circumstances of a few here over the past year and wonder if I will improve alone on my own. It truly is one day at a time and each one of them currently feels more excruciating than they had a few months ago. It definitely feels I have been getting worse rather than better.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I read what I view as others progress after becoming familiar with circumstances of a few here over the past year and wonder if I will improve alone on my own.

One of the challenges of my grief journey has been comparing my progress to others; and I have to remind myself that the key words here are "my journey." What I discovered is that all of us move forward at a different rate and that there are setbacks along the way. After 20 months of this, I can say that my moving forward has been slow at best. I do score keeping on certain nights which gets me out of the house. Have you considered any evening activities that will help to divert your attention? It helps to socialize and maybe come home a little more tired and hopefully get a better nights sleep.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

The loneliness in the late of night has become overwhelming again. Missing Vickie as deeply as ever bringing tears. Unable to see any form of loss on television without being triggered with empathy and tears. It's difficult to get any sleep again. I share my words here however it's giving me less relief than it once did. I read what I view as others progress after becoming familiar with circumstances of a few here over the past year and wonder if I will improve alone on my own. It truly is one day at a time and each one of them currently feels more excruciating than they had a few months ago. It definitely feels I have been getting worse rather than better.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. It is still early days for you, and ups and downs are frequent at that time. Try not to expect too much of yourself. I also cry when someone on tv suffers a loss. I think we have more empathy knowing what they would be feeling even when they aren't real people. I think in a way it's somebody we can cry with. It's something I think we need and it gets harder to find someone to cry with as time goes on.

 

[LMR]

Yesterday I went for my counseling assessment. I am being recommended for one to one therapy. There is a waiting list so it may not happen for a while and by then I may not feel like going. It's not the easiest place to get to, it takes a bit of effort and in fact I would have cancelled yesterday but it was too late for them to reschedule and I'm not that inconsiderate. She's going to try and bump me up the list because I can't do a zoom call with my lousy hearing.

Although this was just an assessment she was asking about my situation so I did get to talk a bit and of course I cried. Even this little felt good. She did ask me what I was hoping for from therapy and I really didn't have an answer, maybe just an end to the constant longing. Perhaps that's what acceptance is, I'm not sure. Anyway, a glimmer of hope.

 

[LMR]

4 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Unable to see any form of loss on television without being triggered with empathy and tears.

What really breaks me up is my sister's little pup, almost a year old now, and well and truly bonded. Her "mum" has just gone out to the supermarket and she just sits, doe eyed, not wanting to play, wondering where her mum has gone. I know exactly what she's feeling.

[KayC]

I remember going to my sister's when Kodie was a little pup and she had a front window that went to the floor...I would go to the store for her and when I'd come back Kodie would be looking out the window for me, Peggy would tell me he never moved.  Such devotion!  Yes, I think we can all relate.

[DWS]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It's difficult to get any sleep again. I share my words here however it's giving me less relief than it once did. 

I understand that. Living with the loss becomes so tedious and tiresome...day after day of emptiness and wondering how will this ever be any better. There are so many times I ask how on earth have others throughout human history dealt with such continuing pain and anxiety! But then I realize any answers or solutions others have will only pertain to their particular circumstances. I am not them. They haven't lived my life. I think sharing thoughts and wondrous reflection here has been helpful to you at times...as it has for me and many others...and it's also understandable when it doesn't or can't at times. 

[Boggled]

I've been having periods of immersion in my little life, gardening, reading, cooking, nothing remarkable, but I can immerse myself especially in the vegetable gardening, because it takes work and planning and you get to watch (and eventually eat) the results.  But then something, some thing that I find in the house, or some experience that always used to involve my husband, reminds me of what I'm starting to think of as THE OLD TIMES ... and WHAM!  the pain hits, and I cry and feel it over and over and over.   Very similar to the first time I had to drive the car without HIM, driving home from the hospital!  But then I was in shock, numbed;  now "it" hits HARD.

[RichS]

19 minutes ago, Boggled said:

But then something, some thing that I find in the house, or some experience that always used to involve my husband, reminds me of what I'm starting to think of as THE OLD TIMES

I think that happens to all of us more than we'd like to talk about. My son had a similar experience yesterday (about his Mom and my wife).

[WithoutHer]

11 hours ago, RichS said:

Have you considered any evening activities that will help to divert your attention? It helps to socialize and maybe come home a little more tired and hopefully get a better nights sleep.

I have no family or friends and I'm not one who desires making effort to find and befriend strangers to socialize with. Besides that I wouldn't want to be the one on the other side of that as down as I am. I also have some health issues that I keep away from others because I cough and sniffle a lot. And a therapist or social worker is out of the question. Been there done that in the past for different reasons and it all just felt so scripted I couldn't deal with it.

[HisMunchkin]

On 4/23/2024 at 9:31 PM, Sar123 said:

The book, “The Grieving Brain,” has probably been brought up  on this site a few times.  I was wondering if anyone here has read it and if they have, would they recommend it. In my grief support group today, someone said they had just started reading it. It sounds like it might be worth checking out. 

I have, and loved it!  Probably my first choice for a grief book.  I found that it let me understand grief from a more objective point of view rather than a subjective one like the one I'm experiencing.

 

On 4/26/2024 at 1:20 AM, WithoutHer said:

The loneliness in the late of night has become overwhelming again. Missing Vickie as deeply as ever bringing tears. Unable to see any form of loss on television without being triggered with empathy and tears. It's difficult to get any sleep again. I share my words here however it's giving me less relief than it once did. I read what I view as others progress after becoming familiar with circumstances of a few here over the past year and wonder if I will improve alone on my own. It truly is one day at a time and each one of them currently feels more excruciating than they had a few months ago. It definitely feels I have been getting worse rather than better.

I'm so sorry to hear. 🥺  Sometimes down times could really cloud our perspectives.  Hang in there!...  How have you tried to help yourself?

 

On 4/26/2024 at 3:35 AM, RichS said:

One of the challenges of my grief journey has been comparing my progress to others; and I have to remind myself that the key words here are "my journey." What I discovered is that all of us move forward at a different rate and that there are setbacks along the way.

👍

Perhaps it would be make more sense to compare yourself in him time.  "Have I improved compared to last month?  If so, great!  If not, what can I change in the attempt to feel or function better?"

 

On 4/26/2024 at 11:25 AM, Boggled said:

I've been having periods of immersion in my little life, gardening, reading, cooking, nothing remarkable, but I can immerse myself especially in the vegetable gardening, because it takes work and planning and you get to watch (and eventually eat) the results.  But then something, some thing that I find in the house, or some experience that always used to involve my husband, reminds me of what I'm starting to think of as THE OLD TIMES ... and WHAM!  the pain hits, and I cry and feel it over and over and over. 

I get that.  Actually, I used to try to grow edibles for him.  This year, I won't be doing that.  This the roller coaster ride of grief.

 

 

[JonathanFive]

There's a real sense of helplessness, too. Essentially, no matter what, I "cannot help the situation."  We talk a lot about "losing purpose," but I feel the sheer helplessness of it all can be somewhat ignored.

Someone said to me earlier last night, "I'm sorry for your loss," and I responded with a complete brush-off. What can be done to help with this situation?  Nothing.

Absolutely nothing can alter what is now fate.

It's all your empathy and compassion calling out for your partner, and when there is no response, it hurts your inner child because your partner was so close to you. They traveled through all our experiences back to the innocence we were when everything on earth was love to us.

The child no longer has his/her playmate, so the child cries, pouts, and feels helpless. It's not even the loss of an adult purpose; it is the loss of imaginative purpose.  It is simply losing the moment of picking up a dandelion and blowing on it, never to return to that state of wow and wonder because we've grown beyond it.

[LMR]

15 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

s the loss of imaginative purpose.  It is simply losing the moment of picking up a dandelion and blowing on it, never to return to that state of wow and wonder because we've grown beyond it.

That is so sad but true. I can't imagine ever feeling that wow again. Grown beyond it - like our eyes have been opened to truth. 😥

[KayC]

7 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

it is the loss of imaginative purpose.  It is simply losing the moment of picking up a dandelion and blowing on it

True.  I tend to be practical, analytical, perfectionist...George added the childlike wonder to my world.  I miss him, so much.  We made snow angels together.

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, KayC said:

I tend to be practical, analytical, perfectionist...George added the childlike wonder to my world.

A lot of couples tend to be somewhat different than each other. What that can bring is learning from your partner the things that you may have not discovered or overlooked in your own life. That and a lot of other things I've learned in 42 years. It's made me a better person.

[KayC]

I agree, I so loved how we fit together.  My XH and I were much the same except he was completely controlling, which I am not.  I loved George's spirit, he reminded me of a puppy wagging it's tail!

We got our loveseat recliner early on in our relationship, I remember him telling me he didn't want cupholders in the center, off to the side or not at all, we found some off to the side covered by armrests...one day he playfully hopped don me and broke the frame in the back so it could no longer recline and go back, so we had something behind it so it could still be sat in...20+ years later, I still have that loveseat, I sleep in it with my Kodie.  Very comfortable and oh the memories!

[Boggled]

11 hours ago, LMR said:

I can't imagine ever feeling that wow again. Grown beyond it - like our eyes have been opened to truth. 😥

Definitely there is a grimmer feeling to my outlook.  like, the world is a lot more serious than I used to conceive of it.   BUT I THINK we can still be ourselves, still feel wow ... 

Last night I did not go to sleep at all, rainy lightning-ey night, spent some time on the back deck (under a roof), just talking to HIM.  ... and lying in bed beforehand, trying to sleep and sleep not happening, I was thinking about that word "cleave," and thinking and saying, "I still CLEAVE to you!"  What is this thing between us, this cleaving?  that carries on right past death?!?  ... and thinking about how the relationship with my husband was of total trust, on both of our sides, and how different that was from my first husband, and other males I encountered over many many years.  and how it created a sort of "glue?" or something way wider than "glue," that is the "cleaving."  that is still in me.

[HisMunchkin]

11 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Absolutely nothing can alter what is now fate.

Ya.......  *sigh*  This fate can be extremely difficult to face, but I continue to try to keep my head above water and learn to adapt as best I can.  It takes, say 20-40% effort to do that.  If I were to fall into a deep state of despair for a prolong period of time, it would take me 60-80% effort to drag myself back to "keeping my head above water", if that makes any sense.  What is that saying or prayer?  "Give me strength to change what I can, and accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference" (?)  Something like that.  For change, it requires a bit of work.  Even a tiny bit would help begin building that "momentum" to swing things in the direction that one hopes for.

 

11 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

It's all your empathy and compassion calling out for your partner, and when there is no response, it hurts your inner child because your partner was so close to you.

It's funny you should mention that.  "A young child lost at the mall, frantically looking for her caregiver" was exactly how I felt initially. 

 

4 hours ago, RichS said:

A lot of couples tend to be somewhat different than each other. What that can bring is learning from your partner the things that you may have not discovered or overlooked in your own life. That and a lot of other things I've learned in 42 years. It's made me a better person.

My husband was more into history and politics - something that I wasn't really all that interested in until I met him.  I'm sure there are other things about him that has rubbed off on me over the years, just as there are things about me that had rubbed off on him.  This is one of the reasons why I feel that part of him is still very much with me.
 

25 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Definitely there is a grimmer feeling to my outlook.  like, the world is a lot more serious than I used to conceive of it. 

To me, the world feels a lot more empty and lonely.  I'm still not at the point of looking into the future yet.  Still just focusing on taking one step at a time and getting through each day. 

 

[Boggled]

On 4/27/2024 at 1:43 AM, JonathanFive said:

There's a real sense of helplessness, too. Essentially, no matter what, I "cannot help the situation."  We talk a lot about "losing purpose," but I feel the sheer helplessness of it all can be somewhat ignored.

I was having that disturbed feeling in my chest, my heart, really we are up against a mountainous rock that we can't do anything about, yes, we're helpless, 

On 4/27/2024 at 1:43 AM, JonathanFive said:

Absolutely nothing can alter what is now fate.

I started searching for "heart balm" on the internet, just in a sort of desultory "this is silly but" way, found a few sites that actually sell what they call "heart balm," ... anyhoo I have a large collection of essential oils, went and looked in the bathroom where they're kept, found an oil mix I'd made for HIM maybe 2 or 3 years ago, dropped some into my hand and spread it over my heart region ... immediately felt calmer.  So, it was a simple mix, 

black seed oil and hemp oil, 50%;   tea tree oil, 50%.       

Maybe it was the fumes of the tea tree oil but it DID make me feel better right away.   

[KayC]

So glad it helped!

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, Boggled said:

I was having that disturbed feeling in my chest, my heart

Was it a painful feeling like your chest was being squished?  Or was it more of an anxiety, fluttering feeling?  I've had both.  The former, I identify as grief.  The latter, more of a panic or anxiety.  Both suck!

[Boggled]

19 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Was it a painful feeling like your chest was being squished?  Or was it more of an anxiety, fluttering feeling?  I've had both.  The former, I identify as grief.  The latter, more of a panic or anxiety.  Both suck!

HisMunchkin, it's like ... my heart is getting bigger.  It's radiating out.  I'm sorry you're having these physical feelings;  maybe try that mixture I mentioned above?  ... really it did work for me, my heart hasn't done that "thing" since I used some of that mixture.  I don't know any real answers, and you're in early days ... for me, ... what's the word? ... DISTRACTION ... was helpful for me in early days.  From Coping With Grief and Loss by Addison Cooper (quite a small book):

"The Art of Distraction

"It is often said in bereavement counseling that learning to live with grief is largely about the 'art of distraction'.  Whenever we experience emotional pain, it can be very helpful to stay with it just long enough to understand its source, identify its triggers, express whatever we feel we need to express in whichever way feels right to us, and then distract ourselves by doing something physical until we restore normal breathing.  It is best to choose an activity that usually gives you pleasure, something that shifts your attention from your internal world into the external world.  It has the effect of dispelling the dark emptiness of grief before it gets a foothold.  There's an emptiness and a loneliness about grief that can settle into our very bones.  Identifying and expressing our pain, quickly followed by physical distraction is the best way of warding this off."

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

it's like ... my heart is getting bigger.  It's radiating out.

Oh, o.k....  That I don't think I've ever experienced.  Have you checked with a doctor?

And thanks for the recommendations!