Is anybody getting worse?

[LMR]

Has anybody found they are just getting worse? I know we have these ups and downs but this has now got so out of hand. I am into my fourth year and feeling totally out of control. I just want to cry all the time. I have no interest in doing anything. Is it because I feel unable to live up to the expectations of everybody else. Nobody says anything and yet I feel that they think they know where I am, or at least where I should be. I think I would be managing better if I had stayed in my home, is that what my problem is? I have registered for counseling as I feel so desperate but I have to wait for an "available person" to assess me, it could be weeks, and then what? I just miss him so much and I can't bear it. I can't keep dping this. He always said that if anything happened to me he would kill himself because after 47 years he couldn't live without me. They were such wonderful years but it's me that's been left with a broken heart. "Love with nowhere to go". My head aches from the effort of trying to be whole when I am missing half of me. 

 

[KayC]

I hit a better place at about five years, I know Gail has said the same.  It varies for each of us.  I'm glad you've signed up for counseling and I hope it's soon.

[JonathanFive]

I hate it when I'm getting anxious and this stuff is driving me completely bonkers.  Lately, I've been picking up my puppy to calm me down a bit.

Cause of the circumstances surrounding my partner's death - I am staying stone-cold sober - which "meh" I'd much rather be chasing my blues away with ice cold beer and...   

I do not think it is weird to have anxiety creep up down the road - even if it's years.   Think of every day you were together and now the size of the perceived void your brain is attempting to fill with emotion.  Our unconscious mind sometimes decides the emotion for us, and consciously, we are sensing anxiety.

[KayC]

I have had GAD all my life, but it really took off when George died, still, I waited a few years before sucumbing to anxiety Rx.  Will be on it for life...Buspirone, Buspar, it's the mildest form I could find with a class all it's own, no side effects.

[HisMunchkin]

I'm glad to hear that you registered for counseling too.  Have you tried keeping a diary?  Keep track of what triggers your feelings.  Identify what you are feeling, then try to figure out why in more details.  By doing that, it may be easier to sort out your feelings and look at it from a more objective standpoint.   

[LMR]

Thank you all for listening. I'm hopeful that I will hear about counseling soon. It has already been two weeks, but that's nothing here, there are waiting lists for everything.

@HisMunchkin I'm not sure a diary will help because I feel this way constantly, I'm just suppressing it as much as I can but I will bear it in mind. Thanks

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I'm not sure a diary will help because I feel this way constantly,

What is "this way"?  Can you describe it?  And what are thinking when you feel "this way"?

[LMR]

4 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

What is "this way"?  Can you describe it?  And what are thinking when you feel "this way"?

Desperation is the closest I can get. I NEED him. Tonight the main thought in my head is " I want my mum". My mum died over 40 years ago.

[HisMunchkin]

13 minutes ago, LMR said:

Desperation is the closest I can get. I NEED him.

Yearning.  I get it. 

Are there times when you feel something else?

 

14 minutes ago, LMR said:

Tonight the main thought in my head is " I want my mum". My mum died over 40 years ago.

More yearning?

[LMR]

7 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

More yearning?

No, I think my mind has gone back to being a child and wanting mum to hold me and make it better.

Of course what I want more is my husband to hold me.

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

No, I think my mind has gone back to being a child and wanting mum to hold me and make it better.

Of course what I want more is my husband to hold me.

Are you feeling lonely in general? 

[Dawn Wms]

Hello.  I so much feel what you are experiencing.  I am almost at four years.  I thought it would be much better by now.  I knew it would never be the same, but I thought I would feel a new normal.  But nothing is normal for me.  I feel wretched.  Miserable.  I have no interest in anything.  I do nothing.  I cry.  I miss him so much I don't understand why I haven't died of heartache.  I want to die.  Every morning I feel sick.   I don't sleep at night.  I think sometimes I would feel better, or even have a chance, if I could sleep through a night.  And I have tried medication for sleep.  I am taking an early retirement because I can't stand to work anymore.  Although I have felt pretty miserable throughout, I know I must have felt a bit better last fall because that is when I told people I would continue working for a few more years.  Then things started going downhill again and I'n not sure why.  And I have so much anxiety!  I wish I could offer something rather than this, but I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel.  

[LMR]

9 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Are you feeling lonely in general? 

No, not lonely in general but I have to put on the smiley face if I see someone and its just so exhausting. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

[LMR]

6 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

Hello.  I so much feel what you are experiencing.  I am almost at four years.  I thought it would be much better by now.  I knew it would never be the same, but I thought I would feel a new normal.  But nothing is normal for me.  I feel wretched.  Miserable.  I have no interest in anything.  I do nothing.  I cry.  I miss him so much I don't understand why I haven't died of heartache.  I want to die.  Every morning I feel sick.   I don't sleep at night.  I think sometimes I would feel better, or even have a chance, if I could sleep through a night.  And I have tried medication for sleep.  I am taking an early retirement because I can't stand to work anymore.  Although I have felt pretty miserable throughout, I know I must have felt a bit better last fall because that is when I told people I would continue working for a few more years.  Then things started going downhill again and I'n not sure why.  And I have so much anxiety!  I wish I could offer something rather than this, but I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel.  

Hi Dawn Wms. Thank you for responding. I'm so sorry you feel this way too. It is good to know I'm not alone, not going crazy (!?). This forum has been my only outlet for a while. I come here several times every day.  It used to help a lot but lately I come here and find people chatting about cooking and gardening and I see how they are doing better and it leaves me feeling so frustrated. I can't be doing with trivia. Sorry to everyone here, I know it's me at fault not you. You are all dealing with grief in your own way.

I already tried the local support group but it turned out to be a glorified social club, fine if you're just lonely, but they actually got kicked out of the umbrella organisation for not offering structured support. I then tried another organization but they only offered online. Still, I thought, better than nothing, so I signed up. Trouble is it won't let me log in, says I don't have an account. Ok, no problem, start over, but then when I try that it tells me I already have an account!!!! They seem determined to thwart my efforts. Third time lucky I hope, if their waiting list is not too long...................

[LMR]

I've been reading through old posts. A comment ftom "WithoutHer" struck me...

" this isn't life, its just passing the time"

[ThereIsAField]

Do you think grieving has maybe morphed into grieving plus depression? Maybe it's time to consider an anti-depressant in addition to counselling?

[DWS]

4 hours ago, LMR said:

I've been reading through old posts. A comment ftom "WithoutHer" struck me...

" this isn't life, its just passing the time"

My heart truly goes out to you so much LMR. I know from your many posts on here that your situation is a unique one where you uprooted yourself a short time after your husband's passing to take care of your sister in England. With that amount of change that you've gone through (not to mention 47 years of marriage!), every single bit of pain and sadness, bewilderment and agitation that you are feeling right now seems totally valid. It sure does in my eyes. We are all painfully trying to work through our horrible losses and for many of us here, we have the quiet familiarity and sanctity of our homes to help give us some comfort. I know that I've been so thankful of that...my safe grief space. Unfortunately, that was something that you had to leave behind moving overseas which was all a very much devoted, noble and necessary thing to do on your part but at the same time, added so much to your grief. I do hope you hear from a good counselling service soon to assist with and acknowledge your grief. 

I think much of what all of us go through are emotions of "stuck-ness"...the feeling that life for us now is going nowhere. Hopelessness seems to be a big player in grief. I've felt it many times and let it linger. I will occasionally ask "do I care if things could be brighter up ahead?" and "Is moving forward without my partner here with me worth the effort?" All legitimate, heart-focused questions that I explore with no true answers. I size it up to the idea that this is our in-between time....full of agitation, sadness, melancholy, and frustration. There's a song that Carol Burnett sang in her earlier years called "Meantime" which I've listened to countless times over the past couple of years that helps soothe me...."but in the meantime, doing nothing sure is a-worrying me". 

 

[LMR]

14 minutes ago, DWS said:

 

I think much of what all of us go through are emotions of "stuck-ness"...the feeling that life for us now is going nowhere. Hopelessness seems to be a big player in grief. I've felt it many times and let it linger. I will occasionally ask "do I care if things could be brighter up ahead?" and "Is moving forward without my partner here with me worth the effort?

 

stuck, yes. I don't want to " move on". I don't want another life without him. 

I just got an appointment for 25th, so not too long to wait.

 

[DWS]

27 minutes ago, LMR said:

stuck, yes. I don't want to " move on". I don't want another life without him. 

I just got an appointment for 25th, so not too long to wait.

 

That's good to hear. My feeble suggestion is that you'll need to be a bit patient with whoever you meet because they will have so much to catch up on with your history and your current state. That's the one thing overall that is so very difficult in these situations. The therapist is meeting for the first time this person in grief that they have no idea who or what they're about and there's only so much time in that first session that can be revealed. I truly hope it goes as well as possible for you. 

[LMR]

Thank you. I will bear that in mind and try to keep a positive outlook and not give in too soon.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, LMR said:

I just got an appointment for 25th, so not too long to wait.

I'm so glad, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[LMR]

I've been sitting thinking about what to say to the counselor. What do I need? Where do I want to be? I don't have any answers but I realised that I don't want to be happy, it would feel like betrayal.

Is this how others think?

[KayC]

An article similar to this one helped me.  It's not betrayal to have happy moments, in fact it's to be coveted.

Smile Permission
I don't know how counseling is over there but saying a prayer for you...the counselor should be able to direct you, if not, try another. 🥰

[shawnt]

Yes , sometimes when I have been busy she's slipped from the front of my mind I feel guilty when her absence drops back on me with a thump. I flop back and forth unsure . A crazy thought comes to me that I am resisting forward movement, it feels like a betrayal and disloyal , which of course it is not, it can't be. She would want me to be happy(of course that makes me feel guilty also) and I am failing. Feels like I am failing her but she is gone and all I have is memory, perhaps I am only failing myself but I can't seem to be myself without her. I miss her more and more.

 

[KayC]

17 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Feels like I am failing her

Just remember, feelings are not facts.  Feelings are here for us to contend with whether good or bad.

[shawnt]

Agreed. Thank you for reminding me that life is for the living. This day , this moment is what I have now, for good or not, the choice is mine. If I am strong enough I can choose joy more often.

Any minute now I am going to be a grandfather . It does fill me with wonder and happiness but also sorrow because my Suzy would have been over the moon with joy and she will be absent. I have to embrace the one and learn to bare the other without it robbing my life of its fullness.

I can't wait to share the world with a young child who sees it all thru innocent eyes.

[KayC]

That  child will be a blessing in your life!  I loved when my grandchildren were babies/toddlers, I spent countless hours reading to them!

[DWS]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

I've been sitting thinking about what to say to the counselor. What do I need? Where do I want to be? I don't have any answers but I realised that I don't want to be happy, it would feel like betrayal.

The one good thing about seeing a counselor is that you don't really need to prepare for it. Basically, you've been dealing with and working through your tremendous loss for well over three years. With meeting a counselor (who hopefully specializes in grief and loss), you get to hand it over to them because they usually have an inner compassionate drive to help a broken-hearted griever. A great deal of grief counselors have had their own experiences with heavy loss. The clients they take on is like being with someone they know. They know your heavy heart and they know you haven't any answers....just like so many of us here know. All that you need to do is express what your heart needs to say. The sessions that I had with my counselor gave me the chance to tell it from my heart to someone who listened and acknowledged. That was something that I really needed after everyone else in my life got tired of hearing it.

[LMR]

Thank you Kay for the link. Not feeling guilt is easier said than done. He was my whole life and it doesn't seem fair if I should get more happiness that he cannot share.

 

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

Yes , sometimes when I have been busy she's slipped from the front of my mind I feel guilty when her absence drops back on me with a thump

 

Shawnt, I haven't yet reached the stage of him slipping from my mind. Even if I find something to keep me busy he is still in my thoughts, almost like a split personality.

45 minutes ago, DWS said:

The sessions that I had with my counselor gave me the chance to tell it from my heart to someone who listened and acknowledged. That was something that I really needed after everyone else in my life got tired of hearing it.

I think that's what I need too. 

[DWS]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I think that's what I need too. 

For sure....our broken hearts still need to be heard years after. Time may take away the rawness but it's not that good at taking away our continual emotional emptiness and pain.

For instance, this past week we had above average warm temperatures for early spring in Ontario. I had the window down while driving in the city and could hear the sounds and excitement of typical spring....but for me, this will be the third spring season and upcoming summer without my partner. It hurts just like it did the last two. My partner Tom was an avid runner so he would be in his absolute glory right now being able to run on the city streets and pathways without worrying about icy spots and if he would be dressed warm enough or too warm. Off he'd go on these runs and be gone for at least an hour to hour and a half. Any time it got later than that, I'd start to get concerned but then shortly thereafter, there'd he be...all excited to show me where he ran on his phone app that outlined a map of his whereabouts. I would marvel at the parts of the city he managed to venture to. I imagine now that I will always hold this twinge of sadness when spring arrives. I used to love this time of year. 

[foreverhis]

On 4/8/2024 at 8:17 AM, KayC said:

I hit a better place at about five years, I know Gail has said the same.

I started to get to a better place at about 4 years, but it was last year at 5 years that I really felt a kind of happiness.  A smaller, different happiness, but it's there.  Some days are still difficult, some weeks even, and not always when I expect it.  For the first few years, I didn't believe I would ever move forward enough to say that my life is easier (not easy) and richer (not the way it was, of course) as I live out however long my life is to be.

During my first few years, there were months at a time where I felt as if all I was doing was moving backward, being pushed down into that dark pit of grief.  Those times definitely felt worse than even the first few months.  I didn't think that was possible, but I now believe it's because grief is such a twisting journey and one we have to forge on our own.  IMO, part of that comes from needing the one person we could always count on to be by our side being the one who is missing.

[Sar123]

@shawnt

15 hours ago, shawnt said:

Any minute now I am going to be a grandfather . It does fill me with wonder and happiness but also sorrow because my Suzy would have been over the moon with joy and she will be absent. I have to embrace the one and learn to bare the other without it robbing my life of its fullness.

I understand where you’re coming from. Our first grandchild was born when my husband was going through chemo. He did get to meet him when he was 5 months old, but he was so sick, he couldn’t enjoy seeing him. He would have been such a fun grandpa too. My son and daughter in law had their second baby last month and I’m currently down in Mexico City visiting. My grandson turns two this weekend and they’re having a big birthday party for him. It’s a bittersweet time for me. It just seems so unfair that he never got to enjoy any of this. 
 

I have had teddy bears made out of my husband’s sweatshirts for each of my grandsons. Today L, the 2 year old, was playing with the bears and he laid down with them and fell asleep. I eventually want to make a book  with pictures and stories about him so they can know about their other grandpa. Maybe you’ll come up with some ideas so that your grandchildren will know a little bit about their grandma. 
 

You will enjoy your grandchild! They’re so much fun to be around:) 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I have to echo, and agree with, some of the comments here that say allowing happiness into my life feels disrespectful to Veronica, although intellectually, I know that is not what she would want.  I guess I am having more not-so-bad days than sucky days.  I am able to smile at people when I am out and about.  The sadness is the overriding emotion these days.  The sharp pain of Veronica’s loss has dulled quite a bit.  I have even started thinking I may need to start putting away some of her things, but in my mind, I cannot do any of that until after June, after her 1 year anniversary.  Seems kind of silly to impose a target date on myself, but it gives me a reference for getting something, anything done.  My sisters have asked me when I might go to TX to visit them, and I tell them possibly around August or September, after Veronica’s anniversary.  And even then, in my mind, I am convinced I have to be back by Sunday to go sit with her in the afternoon.  I’m sure my mind and my heart will figure  something out by then.  🥲

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I have had teddy bears made out of my husband’s sweatshirts for each of my grandsons. Today L, the 2 year old, was playing with the bears and he laid down with them and fell asleep. I eventually want to make a book  with pictures and stories about him so they can know about their other grandpa.

My father passed away when I was 7 months pregnant with his first grandchild (he had one that died in a car accident and another they raised and adopted because my sister became quadriplegic in the same accident).  It was important for me to pass on the heritage of my dad with my kids who never met him.  I told them stories about him, how proud he'd be of them...how he'd love my daughter's personality, how he'd be proud of my son's accomplishments, etc.  My son had my dad's antique piggybank and his bathrobe when he was old enough as he expressed interest. 

I'd never thought of having George's clothes made into something because I didn't hear of that in the first year and I donated them to Sponsor's, a place that helped inmates getting out of prison adjust to life outside, they get out with the clothes on their back and have to earn the right to be helped in this way, it's a structured environment with a set time they have to be in, they get counseling, help finding jobs, etc.  He had a friend that was a counselor there and would often give rides to down and outers.  I knew this is where his heart was, he was such a caring person.

[RichS]

22 hours ago, shawnt said:

Yes , sometimes when I have been busy she's slipped from the front of my mind I feel guilty when her absence drops back on me with a thump. I flop back and forth unsure . A crazy thought comes to me that I am resisting forward movement, it feels like a betrayal and disloyal , which of course it is not, it can't be. She would want me to be happy(of course that makes me feel guilty also)

Shawn:  I've had similar feelings to the way you've expressed it. How many times I've wished that I could get some feedback from Chris as to how I've been running things (especially when it comes to taking care of our son). Lately, I feel as if I've drifted off into this neutral zone (accepting this new normal as "normal", but at the same time not thrilled to be feeling this way).

[HisMunchkin]

Do none of you feel that your partner's heart is breaking seeing you upset?  And then feel guilty for that?  I was just thinking today - if it were me who had died and if I could see what my husband has been up to.  If I saw him suffer like I've been suffering, that would be extremely painful for me.  On the other hand, if I saw him heal day by day and start picking up the pieces of his life and enjoying it, that would make me feel so relieved.  He didn't like seeing me upset when he was alive.  I don't think he would like seeing me upset if he's able to see me now.  Every step of the way, I still talk to him in my head.  I still carry him in my heart.  When I have moments of joy, even though they've been very rare, he's on my mind.  I feel as if I'm sharing the joy with him.  Kind of hard to explain. 

[KayC]

No, I think you explained it well, I will answer this in the spirituality section.

6 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do none of you feel that your partner's heart is breaking seeing you upset?  And then feel guilty for that?  I was just thinking today - if it were me who had died and if I could see what my husband has been up to.  If I saw him suffer like I've been suffering, that would be extremely painful for me.  On the other hand, if I saw him heal day by day and start picking up the pieces of his life and enjoying it, that would make me feel so relieved.  He didn't like seeing me upset when he was alive.  I don't think he would like seeing me upset if he's able to see me now.  Every step of the way, I still talk to him in my head.  I still carry him in my heart.  When I have moments of joy, even though they've been very rare, he's on my mind.  I feel as if I'm sharing the joy with him.  Kind of hard to explain. 

 

[RichS]

I can relate to what you're feeling. For the last several years of her life, my wife was battling with luechemia. Add to the restrictions that the COVID put on her (she had to spend two years at home, rarely going anywhere), it made her very unhappy. I couldn't blame her. At the same time, seeing her being unhappy made me unhappy; because we always tried to make each other happy in our marriage. There was nothing I could do to change her health condition. I wish I could. Looking back, it reminded me that like grieving, there is a painful side of love when you see your spouse unhappy.

[WithoutHer]

16 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do none of you feel that your partner's heart is breaking seeing you upset?  And then feel guilty for that?  I was just thinking today - if it were me who had died and if I could see what my husband has been up to.  If I saw him suffer like I've been suffering, that would be extremely painful for me.  On the other hand, if I saw him heal day by day and start picking up the pieces of his life and enjoying it, that would make me feel so relieved.  He didn't like seeing me upset when he was alive.  I don't think he would like seeing me upset if he's able to see me now.  Every step of the way, I still talk to him in my head.  I still carry him in my heart.  When I have moments of joy, even though they've been very rare, he's on my mind.  I feel as if I'm sharing the joy with him.  Kind of hard to explain. 

Vickie knew me very well and I think she would be quite understanding of where I am emotionally right now. She went through grieving several times while with me due to various family losses. But she had me with her while doing so and said so much during those times. I believe she knows the what and why of how I'm currently feeling and doing it alone. The day will come that I start addressing the things around here that are just as she left them. When that comes she will be with me comforting and understanding.

[widower2]

6 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do none of you feel that your partner's heart is breaking seeing you upset?  And then feel guilty for that?  I was just thinking today - if it were me who had died and if I could see what my husband has been up to.  If I saw him suffer like I've been suffering, that would be extremely painful for me.  On the other hand, if I saw him heal day by day and start picking up the pieces of his life and enjoying it, that would make me feel so relieved.  He didn't like seeing me upset when he was alive.  I don't think he would like seeing me upset if he's able to see me now.  Every step of the way, I still talk to him in my head.  I still carry him in my heart.  When I have moments of joy, even though they've been very rare, he's on my mind.  I feel as if I'm sharing the joy with him.  Kind of hard to explain. 

I get that, and wonder about it myself. I agree with Kay though, that gets into an area best discussed waaaaaaaaaaaaay over at this section of the site.    

[DWS]

On 4/13/2024 at 4:48 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Do none of you feel that your partner's heart is breaking seeing you upset?  And then feel guilty for that?  I was just thinking today - if it were me who had died and if I could see what my husband has been up to.  If I saw him suffer like I've been suffering, that would be extremely painful for me. 

I would absolutely hate seeing my partner deal with such emptiness and sad confusion but knowing now what I've learned through this intense grief journey, I've realized that none of us are ever prepared for it and that takes away any guilty thoughts that I should be doing "better". None of us grievers knew beforehand of the immense, ongoing waves of listlessness, pensive wonder and feelings of defeat. None of that was listed in whatever life manual taught us about what happens upon a loved one's death. None of us were aware that as the weather changed, as seasons changed, as new occurrences and new life changes happened that each of those would have us wishing that our partners and spouses were here to see them which then brings us back to feelings of emptiness and melancholy. This wasn't what we were taught how this would go. What we learned was that it would be difficult at the beginning but little by little, day after day we would become stronger and eventually pick ourselves up and shout to the world how so much better we are for having had them in our life. 

That sounds so easy and it's the reason why so many in our lives just don't get why we're still "not over it"....but it's because they haven't gone through such a hell-ish experience. You just don't know "this" until you're in "this". I like thinking that my partner sees my anguish and understands. If he were to say to me in a dream that it bothers him to see me still in such pain, I'd just say it's because I loved you so much, ya big idiot!

[HisMunchkin]

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

I get that, and wonder about it myself. I agree with Kay though, that gets into an area best discussed waaaaaaaaaaaaay over at this section of the site.    

I'm not religious at all, though.  To me, it's my mind's way of coping - to keep him by my side somehow.  The point was, why feel guilty for feeling joy?  If the answer is that you feel like you're betraying your partner somehow, one can also argue that you're disappointing your partner if you don't take advantage of moments of happiness and try to enjoy them to fullest.  Keep them in mind while you're experiencing joy and imagine that you're sharing it with them.  Maybe it's even a gift from them?  Who knows.  So while I'm certain that they would understand that you're hurting due to grief, if you are lucky enough to find moments of happiness, that's another way to look at things rather than seeing it as some sort of betrayal.   

[widower2]

8 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

The point was, why feel guilty for feeling joy?  

Oh I guess I misunderstood you...I was saying sometimes I feel bad about feeling bad, because I know that might cause her to feel bad if she knew that

[JonathanFive]

On 4/13/2024 at 4:48 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Do none of you feel that your partner's heart is breaking seeing you upset?  

I am quite sure he wants me: ok, and to finish life, "being ok," and that he hopes I find a way to be safe, be strong, smile, and hope to see him again.  I know what he does and doesn't want.

Don't we know that about the people we love?  Aren't we sure of their wishes?

[LMR]

29 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I am quite sure he wants me: ok, and to finish life, "being ok," and that he hopes I find a way to be safe, be strong, smile, and hope to see him again.  I know what he does and doesn't want.

Don't we know that about the people we love?  Aren't we sure of their wishes?

We all know that but it doesn't stop the tears.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

We all know that but it doesn't stop the tears.

So true 😢

[shawnt]

This has all been helpful.

I do know what she wanted, now I just have to do it.

Although I think it may take the rest of my days and never completely. Sigh. 

[HisMunchkin]

If you are able to find moments of happiness, enjoy it to the fullest.  I'm sure my husband would want that. 

[shawnt]

Maybe that has been the secret all along. Live in this moment. Not the past, not the future , right now. Get lost in the wonderful baby smell, let a good joke make you really laugh, marvel at a fantastic diving catch in a ball game.

Seems very simple but as we all know not easy. Or not easy for me. I can't seem to not feel what's missing and I can't seem to stop planning what's next.

My brother is mentally disabled and is always laughing because he lives only in the now. The pure joy he gets from ice cream or the sound of the harmonica makes me think I don't know as much as I would like.

[KayC]

10 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Maybe that has been the secret all along. Live in this moment. Not the past, not the future , right now.

Definitely.  Remember the good parts of the past, and have hope for the future, but live in the now so you don't miss the good that is.