Sometimes life gets you down

[Gail 8588]

I frequently post about how much better I am compared to my early years of grief. That is all true. However, there are times when I get pretty depressed and I am in one of those now. 

This time of year is always hard on me because it is the period between the day John had his stroke and the day he died. Those 25 days are burned into my brain like no other experience in my life.  I remember each day with all of my hope's and determination and each step forward and backwards.  Valentines day was John's  last "good" day. He watched a Gator v Auburn basketball game with his good friend at the hospital.  Gators won. That night his fever spiked, they packed him in ice and moved him back up to the ICU. 

I wish I could forget.  But every day brings the memory of me authorizing one procedure after another. None of them helped.  Today is the day he asked me to take him home, so he could die at our lake house with our dog on his bed.  I said no. I couldn't  give up the hope of saving him.  He never asked again.

So this time of year is always hard on me.  But on top of this annual grief pain, on the anniversary  of John's stroke, my daughter in law told my son she was going to divorce him. They have two little boys, 5 and 2.  I am brokenhearted. 

I had the good fortune to grow up in a loving family, as did my 2 boys.  My heart breaks for my 2 grandsons who will not have that life.  My son is brokenhearted and it hurts me to see him in such distress.

This divorce is uncharted waters for me.  There is so much uncertainty and potential for unwanted outcomes. My DIL was hospitalized twice last year due to alcoholism. She is currently sober, but I fear for her and the children when they will not be living with their dad too.  If she moved away and took the boys, my son would lose his mind because he lives for those boys. (Her alcoholism has caused him to be the primary caregiver all of their lives.)  I know some of my fears may be irrational, as Florida will give joint custody.  But my mind sometimes swirls in all the worst case scenarios.

Perhaps I would not be so depressed about the divorce if it occurred at some other time of the year.  But overlaid on the anniversary of the worst 25 days of my life, my mind has a hard time believing there can be any good outcome. 

One day at a time I will get through this.  I tell myself to stop thinking about what "might happen" because there are too many possibilities.  Trying to just focus on today.

When I get past John's  death date maybe it will be easier on me to face the divorce  issues. None of it is in my control. 

Thanks for listening. I know there is nothing anyone can do. 

 

 

[Boggled]

for alcoholism, a good friend of mine would recommend Home - SMART Recovery   It's an alternative to AA.  

just a thought.  I'm sorry you're having a down time, Gail8588.   virtual HUGS!!!  

[Gail 8588]

Thanks Boggled.  I found that program too and recommended  it to my DIL. She has not been willing to look into it or any therapy or program. 

[SSC]

Oh dear Gail!  This IS heartbreaking!  And so difficult during this time for you.  I am truly so sorry.  I hope and pray your DIL will see how stable your son is and realize that is the most important place for the boys right now.  Do you live close where you will be able to help them?  
Your loving presence will be such a big deal right now, not only for your grandkids but also for your son.  You do what you can, be there for them for both you and your husband.

for what it’s worth, both my girls have been married and divorced.  Their second marriages have been much happier and the men they married are incredible fathers to the children.  They learned a lot from their first marriage and what to look for if they married again.  It’s much easier when you’re young…

[widower2]

I'm very sorry about the news Gail. It amazes and absolutely enrages me how often the mother gets more consideration for custody than the father just by virtue of her gender. You'd think we'd be past such nonsense by now. She's has a history of alcoholism....what logic is there to him not getting the kids? Well hopefully your son can find someone else who his kids also like and they may yet have that family environment. 

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

Thanks Boggled.  I found that program too and recommended  it to my DIL. She has not been willing to look into it or any therapy or program. 

She’s too far gone in her alcoholism addiction.  I can relate to you with your daughter situation cuz my husband also refused to go NA meetings, detox or an inpatient program. Addiction stole him from me on 8/21/19. 

[KayC]

Exactly.  My friend's son got custody of their kids but it's horrid when the boys have to go to "her" house.  I wish courts always did what was in the kids' best interests.

For what it's worth, we care and wish it was always smooth sailing.  (((hugs)))

[HisMunchkin]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.  Multiple stressors in a short period of time can be rather overwhelming.  I don't have any good advice, I'm sending you good vibes.  *Big Hug* 💝

[Sparky1]

Gail, I'm saddened reading about the things you're going through right now. I hope and pray that at least the boys will be properly taken care of. I feel for the little ones, they are so innocent and will be hurt the most. Don't want to take away from what you're going through but my sister is in the same boat with her husband. He is an alcoholic and drug addict and he is putting her through hell every day. And yes, he has done countless counseling and he hasn't learned a thing. I hope for the best for you Gail.

[foreverhis]

Oh, Gail.  I'm so sorry to hear this.  You're right that the divorce news could not have come at a worse time.  You know you'll be in all our hearts and prayers, as always.

One note.  I suggest you and your son look into Florida custody laws and get him a shark for an attorney!  I mention this because most states (maybe all?) take into account things like who has been the primary caregiver, how safe the children are with each parent, which home has the best stability and support system.  If your DIL is an active alcoholic who refuses to seek treatment, it could help your son gain sole custody, at least temporarily.  Obviously he should do exactly what his lawyer tells him to do, but I think sooner is better because he might be able to file an emergency custody order based on her drinking.  It's highly unlikely that she will be allowed to just abscond, but you never know, so having a court order in place ASAP can only help his case.

ETA:  On rereading, I see that you mention your DIL is currently sober.  It would still be best for your son to consult a lawyer for emergency custody.  As stress is one of the primary things that causes alcoholics and addicts to relapse, there's a fair chance that your DIL will start drinking again and soon.  (I know I'm giving unasked for advice and that you've probably already thought of all these things, but I'm worried for you, your son, and your grandbabies.)

Again, I am so sad to hear what's happening with you and your family.  I will keep you in my thoughts tonight.💗

[widow39]

God be with you. Loss upon loss. Thinking of you

[Roxeanne]

Oh Gail i'm so sorry! It's unfair for the little boys and your son!

Addiction get worse everything...

Hope that somehow things work out for the better!

Warm hugs for you in this time of painful memories

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Hello friends,

I continue to struggle with depression. My mind, like every year before, replays my husband's final days.  Today, day 13 after the stroke, I was desperately trying to get him moved out of our local hospital into a premier stroke rehabilitation center.  I put so much pressure on him to "pass" his swallowing test because the rehab facility would not take him if he couldn't  take food orally. He had blood clots forming in his arms and legs and I was convinced if he got to the rehab center, the physical exercise he would get there was his only chance to reverse this. I pushed my husband to try harder, pushed the doctors to give rehab a chance. I would have put him on my back and carried him to rehab if I could.  

He passed the swallow test, and was moved to rehab tomorrow, day 14.  But today was the last day he swallowed any food.  From here on out, it was a series of last times.  Tomorrow is the last day he spoke.

My despiration for John to get better was all intertwined with our son's upcoming wedding.  John's band was going to be the wedding reception  band. John wrote a song for their wedding. He had to get to rehab because the wedding was just weeks away. 

(You can see the  extent of my denial that my husband was critically ill.)

Somehow, the fact that my son's  marriage is now dissolving, it feels like all that pressure I put on my husband to recover quickly, to be well for the wedding, was terribly wrong. 

I know this is all irrational. My mind is once again pointing the finger at me, that it was my fault he died. I did everything wrong.  I pushed him so hard, for what, a marriage that is now a mess. 

I wish I had some level of control over my brain and the thoughts running through my head. I wish I could stop this 25 day replay of John's  journey from stroke to death, my unreasonable demands on him, and his efforts to do my bidding despite the pain he endured. I wish my brain did not grab hold of this pending divorce and use it to somehow further undermine the decisions I made 7 years ago.  Rationally, I know it's  not true. But what I feel is that dark monster of guilt pulling me down. 

I know I will get through this, one day at a time.  There is no way to fast track it.  I try not to believe the feelings of guilt. Back in year 4, I escaped the prison of guilt by acknowledging  that I did the best I could with the information I had.  Now in year 7, I am partially back in that prison. I am both the jailer and the one jailed. 

I feel a bit schizophrenic, I can see the irrationality of my plight, but I feel the despair  of one who is guilty. 

Well this was just me sharing where my head is today. I'm  hoping it will get a bit better when I get out of my 25 day replay. 

I hope you are all doing better than I am right now. The good news is that I do know that this too shall pass.

Gail

[Roxeanne]

Gail i know it's hard...but you did the best you can at the time, even tried badly to make things right!

I'm sure your dear husband understood that...!

Be kind to yourself, we know the massacre game of guilty feelings...it's not good but sometimes we need to play it!!

Sending you warm hugs

[KayC]

I agree with what Roxeanne said Gail, be kind and understanding of yourself...what would your husband tell you?  Tell that to yourself.

[shawnt]

You are only guilty of hope, and god help us all ,some days hope is all we have.

Be kind and gentle to to all of us deluded fools who have hope, especially yourself.

[HisMunchkin]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Hello friends,

I continue to struggle with depression. My mind, like every year before, replays my husband's final days.  Today, day 13 after the stroke, I was desperately trying to get him moved out of our local hospital into a premier stroke rehabilitation center.  I put so much pressure on him to "pass" his swallowing test because the rehab facility would not take him if he couldn't  take food orally. He had blood clots forming in his arms and legs and I was convinced if he got to the rehab center, the physical exercise he would get there was his only chance to reverse this. I pushed my husband to try harder, pushed the doctors to give rehab a chance. I would have put him on my back and carried him to rehab if I could.  

He passed the swallow test, and was moved to rehab tomorrow, day 14.  But today was the last day he swallowed any food.  From here on out, it was a series of last times.  Tomorrow is the last day he spoke.

My despiration for John to get better was all intertwined with our son's upcoming wedding.  John's band was going to be the wedding reception  band. John wrote a song for their wedding. He had to get to rehab because the wedding was just weeks away. 

(You can see the  extent of my denial that my husband was critically ill.)

Somehow, the fact that my son's  marriage is now dissolving, it feels like all that pressure I put on my husband to recover quickly, to be well for the wedding, was terribly wrong. 

I know this is all irrational. My mind is once again pointing the finger at me, that it was my fault he died. I did everything wrong.  I pushed him so hard, for what, a marriage that is now a mess. 

I wish I had some level of control over my brain and the thoughts running through my head. I wish I could stop this 25 day replay of John's  journey from stroke to death, my unreasonable demands on him, and his efforts to do my bidding despite the pain he endured. I wish my brain did not grab hold of this pending divorce and use it to somehow further undermine the decisions I made 7 years ago.  Rationally, I know it's  not true. But what I feel is that dark monster of guilt pulling me down. 

I know I will get through this, one day at a time.  There is no way to fast track it.  I try not to believe the feelings of guilt. Back in year 4, I escaped the prison of guilt by acknowledging  that I did the best I could with the information I had.  Now in year 7, I am partially back in that prison. I am both the jailer and the one jailed. 

I feel a bit schizophrenic, I can see the irrationality of my plight, but I feel the despair  of one who is guilty. 

Well this was just me sharing where my head is today. I'm  hoping it will get a bit better when I get out of my 25 day replay. 

I hope you are all doing better than I am right now. The good news is that I do know that this too shall pass.

Gail

I am so sorry that your son's divorce is bringing all this back, and now you seem to be going through self-blame and feelings of guilt all over again.  I had a similar experience.  I encouraged my husband to work on physio and eating more so that he could come home and continue treatment from home instead of at the hospital.  His mother did too.  The nurses and physiotherapists at the hospital also thought that he could do more than he was willing to.  When he started feeling more hopeful, he worked very hard.  His spirits improved again and he was very motivated.  But then things went downhill really fast.  I look back and think that maybe I was in denial and pushed him for nothing?  Maybe if I thought that he was going to go downhill, if I hadn't been blinded by the signs, that I could have been giving him more emotional comfort, talked about anything else but eating and doing physio.  Been more of a nurturing wife than a "coach", etc.  That part, I regret.  I don't, however, regret the fact that he became motivated and hopeful and worked hard while looking forward to coming home.  He spent that time in good spirits, and I still think that was a good thing rather than spending that time expecting death and worrying about dying, etc.  Anyway, so I can understand what you might be feeling.  But if you look at the big picture, at the time, you were not aware of the severity of your husband's condition, just as you were not aware that your son's marriage will eventually fail.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Would you blame yourself for not warning your son not to marry his wife because the marriage would end in divorce?  That would seem silly, right?  It makes no sense.  I wish there was a reason and a solution to why we sometimes blame ourselves and feel guilt for things that we didn't really have much control over.  For me, I find it comforting to talk to my late husband and tell him how much I regret not being more tender and doting, and instead, acted more like a cheerleader or coach.  That I am sorry, I wish I had spent the time he had left differently.  Just to let it all out.  But when I really think about it, would it have made any difference to him if things went a different way?  And if so, for the better or for worse?  I will never know.  Just as you will never know.  And then, would it have made a difference to me?  Looking back, in a way I feel like I "wasted" that time being that cheerleader/coach, when instead, I should have enjoyed to the fullest what little time we had left.  But I realize that I can never get that time back.  Also, if we weren't so focused on him getting better and coming home, he may have been focused on dying and feeling helpless and anxious instead.....  Thoughts just roll over and over in my head.  Why?   Why am I so focused on that bit of time when he and I had over 25 years of memories to look back on?  I don't get it either, so I'm trying to let go.  I hope you'll find the wisdom and strength to let it all go eventually.  I am so sorry that you're going through this.  *Big Hugs* to you.💝     

[KayC]

3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Why am I so focused on that bit of time when he and I had over 25 years of memories to look back on?

Maybe because you were terrified to lose him?  That's how I felt when I lost my Arlie (dog) so I literally plied him with food as the vet told me when he quit eating the end was near (he had cancer)...it counted against him though as the vet hadn't had his scale calibrated and it was those extra pounds that they didn't account for when they gave their dosage in euthanasia...he went out in the most severe pain and contorted face.  I blame myself.  My poor baby, that was the last image I have of him.

[Gail 8588]

@KayC @HisMunchkin

Kay, I am so sorry you have that terrible memory of Arlie's passing.  I so wish we could selectively delete memories that are so painful. 

HisMunchkin, 

Your experience of cheerleading/coaching your husband to get better is similar  to my efforts with John, though I am afraid I was more of a drill sergeant  than a cheerleader.  I regret my behavior to my very soul.  But at the time, I just couldn't  bear the possibility of losing  him.  

I had 40 years of really good times with my husband.  We felt so lucky to have each other as we ploughed through lifes adventures and tribulations.  But his last 25 days, full of suffering, torment me.  Why I can't let those 25 days go, I don't  know.

I am broken hearted over my son's  pending divorce, but he has 2 wonderful boys that fill our hearts with joy.  Somehow we will both get through these conflicting emotions and move forward. 

[KayC]

Yes, somehow you will and I know you'll be a strong support for him.  Somehow I think that's what they need us most for.

[Sar123]

@Gail 8588 Have you done any “self care?” My grief counselor taught me about doing that when I bring up being sad or depressed. As caregivers we always want to help our loved ones and take care of them, but do we take the time to take care of ourselves? From watching a sappy movie or listening to a podcast to diamond painting or adult coloring books, it has calmed me to do those things. What do you do for self care?

I can understand where you’re coming from. I have regrets too. When they stopped the first round of the aggressive chemo my husband was on because he had lost so much weight and felt awful and the tumor markers started going up, I pushed him to go on the less aggressive chemo sooner because I was afraid the cancer would spread. He felt better after stopping (the tumor didn’t shrink but it was gray and inactive). How I wish we had gone on a short vacation, but no, I pushed him to get back on chemo which didn’t work and the cancer became active again. He never felt better again like he had for those 3 weeks when he was off chemo. But I can’t change the outcome or go back in time. So like you, we did what we thought was the best thing at the time. Everything was so new and everything was happening so fast, it was difficult to know what direction to go in. It’s  hard when you want to fix things and you can’t. 
 

It’s sad that your son’s marriage is failing, but it sounds like you have two wonderful grandsons to love.

[HisMunchkin]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

Maybe because you were terrified to lose him?  That's how I felt when I lost my Arlie (dog) so I literally plied him with food as the vet told me when he quit eating the end was near (he had cancer)...it counted against him though as the vet hadn't had his scale calibrated and it was those extra pounds that they didn't account for when they gave their dosage in euthanasia...he went out in the most severe pain and contorted face.  I blame myself.  My poor baby, that was the last image I have of him.

😭 

I blame the vet!  What's with the broken scale!?!??

When I had to put down my last dog, they were going to give her 3 shots.  One to get her to sleep, next one is an anesthesia, and the last one stops her heart.  After watching videos to prepare myself, it appears that the dog first slowly falls asleep, then the next shot goes in - dog is still alive.  Then the last shot goes in and the dog stops breathing.  But that day, the vet the got the schedules mixed up and had to fit me in.  He was very busy going from patient to patient.  When he administered the first shot, my dog, who was lying down and looking exhausted, sat up in attention and tried to shake off the catheter.  Then she just keeled over.  I asked the vet what happened and he said, "Oh, she's just sleeping!", then he quickly administered the other two shots.  I still wonder if he got the medication mixed up and gave her the last shot first.  It's still quick, but there's a moment of pain.  It still gets to me when I think about it.  And it was over a decade ago.

 

 

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But at the time, I just couldn't  bear the possibility of losing  him. 

I know..... 😥

 

 

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am broken hearted over my son's  pending divorce, but he has 2 wonderful boys that fill our hearts with joy.  Somehow we will both get through these conflicting emotions and move forward.

👍  He also has you! ❤️

[KayC]

My Arlie's face was totally contorted in the most severe pain of his life, I neither forget it or forgive them for what they did.

[foreverhis]

On 2/21/2024 at 2:03 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I regret my behavior to my very soul.  But at the time, I just couldn't  bear the possibility of losing  him. 

Oh, Gail, I understand all too well.  My John had beaten prostate cancer 15 years earlier.  It runs in his family and pretty much all the men develop it at some point.  His was simply a little earlier than others.  I told myself that he'd survived a disabling bicycling accident and prostate cancer, so it was inconceivable to me that he wouldn't beat his bladder cancer.

I know how hard he tried not to leave us.  And I know he fought longer and harder than I should have expected.  I tried to stay so positive, even as his health grew worse and the testing showed little spots of metastasis.  Chemo had seemed successful.  He was preparing for his primary surgery when things rapidly took a downturn.  I should have asked him so much sooner, "Love, do you want to go home?" Instead, there I was trying to help him get well enough for the next treatment (spot radiation).  He never got to go home that last time in the hospital. 

Even as we were preparing for home hospice, his body simply couldn't take any more.  I tell myself that at least he had been on palliative care for a few days as we were getting everything ready, but the fact is that he died in the hospital.  They moved us to a huge private room with a view of his favorite courtyard (small hospital, but many small beautiful courtyards too), floor to ceiling windows, and quiet.  No more multiple IVs or monitors beeping or hustle and bustle.  The staff was wonderful, but all through that last day as I played his favorite music for him, all I could think was how I had failed him, that it was all my fault.

It took years to turn my massive, heavy guilt into the regret it is now.  I can only hope that he has forgiven me my faults and failings as I have forgiven his.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much all at the same time.  There are some things that I don't think ever truly get easier.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

My Arlie's face was totally contorted in the most severe pain of his life, I neither forget it or forgive them for what they did.

Nor should you. I'm so sorry. I wonder if there's some vet AMA you could report them to? 

Medical incompetence definitely isn't limited to human beings. When I took her/our dog to an animal ER on the last night of his life, the guy was working on him and eventually went "OK not sure what's up, I called the vet to come in"........I was livid. WTF you aren't a vet?? Doesn't "ER" imply a VET is there 24/7? I wanted to beat the hell out of everyone there. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Even as we were preparing for home hospice, his body simply couldn't take any more.

Tonight is Feb 22.  Tomorrow is Feb 23.  Just a quirk of how the calendar is laid out.  Friday, June 23 of 2023, is when Veronica and I received the cardiologist prognosis of her failing heart.  She seemed to accept her fate a whole lot better than I did, let me tell you.  Meanwhile she is on kidney dialysis, so the overall picture for her was not looking good at all.  Gotta figure things are bad if she needs meds to keep her blood pressure up, quite reverse of before her heart attack.  Saturday I discussed home hospice with her doctor and we set things in motion, with the plan to get her home on Wednesday, June 28.  In the meantime she was on “comfort care”, meaning pain management.  Sunday, June 25, she had a great day, even the nurses were telling her how good she looked.  Monday, June 26, when I went to see her, she was visibly fading.  Doctor said she would not make it to Wednesday.  Called our friends, our sons, her sister, to come start saying their goodbyes.  Veronica went to sleep the morning of June 27, 2023.  Quirk of the calendar - Feb 23, Friday, is my 70th birthday.  Reallly not feeling it right now, but we’ll so how it goes.  Red Cross shift in the afternoon.  I need to do that to keep my mind busy.  Have I mentioned how much this sucks?  😪

[KayC]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

I was livid. WTF you aren't a vet?? Doesn't "ER" imply a VET is there 24/7?

Wow, sheer incompetence!

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Feb 23, Friday, is my 70th birthday.

Happy Birthday!  I hope it goes better than you expect.  These dates can be triggers...a little less so with time but oh my it can take a long while before it changes...

[HisMunchkin]

9 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Feb 23, Friday, is my 70th birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🥳🎂🎈

[Gail 8588]

@Rey Dominguez Jr

Rey, 

I'm  glad you are doing your Red Cross shift today.  I hope it distracts you for a few hours just to give your grieving brain a rest. 

Today will be tough.  Your first birthday without her, a major milestone birthday at that. If circumstances were different you would be celebrating together. 

Having the " 23rd " link to her diagnosis just seems extra painful. 

Do your best to just remember the many happy years together (though I know how little control we have over what our brains choose to focus on).  Know that Veronika loves you and she doesn't  want you to be sad. 

Gail

[DMB]

HB, Rey!

Oh Gail, I feel for you.  I hope once thru the 25 day replay you will begin to feel better.  

My husband was terminal at diagnosis.  The Dr kept telling us this will be fatal, and in my head, I kept telling him to shut up! If they're willing to administer treatment and he's willing to accept it, then there's a chance, right?  So, I totally get you pushing to get your husband better.  

 

Take care.

[Gail 8588]

DMB, 

John's  doctors never really told me his stroke would be fatal. The first night when he came to the ER, they did say there was a significant chance he would not live through the night.   I called my 2 sons to come to the hospital.  

But the bleed in his brain stopped, with the clotting medications they gave him (inspite of him being on the blood thinner Warfarin  for years).  The next day he was alert, conversant, in charge.  His band had a gig on Friday (his stroke was on Tuesday) and on Wednesday he was on the phone with the band members changing the set list anticipating that he might not be able to make the performance. 

I was full of hope for a complete recovery, thankful that I had gotten him to the hospital in time.  Doctors did tell me he was not out of danger yet, but my eyes and ears saw my invincible  husband taking charge of the situation. 

Dr Google, advised me that most (more that half) people with this kind of stroke die before they get to the hospital, but of those who respond to treatment, 50% survive past 30 days, many of whom achieve  a full recovery eventually.  The flip side of that statement is that 50% who respond to the initial treatment still die within 30 days.   My focus was that I had to get John past those first 30 days, then he could be in the group that eventually had a full recovery. 

I was delusional in my unwavering focus on getting John to day 31.  I couldn't  see the reality of his clearly deteriorating condition.

I suppose the doctors tried to tell me.  It just wouldn't  register in my brain.  Life would be impossible without him, so he had to get well. 

Today, 7 years ago, day 17, I authorized another invasive procedure to put a mechanical net type thing to catch the blood clots from his legs before they moved to his lungs.  He had to be taken to a nextdoor hospital (from the premier rehab facility  I had finally gotten him into). I walked next to him as the staff pushed his gurney through the parking lots between the 2 buildings.  It was the last time John was outdoors.  He gave a thumbs up when I talked about what a pretty day it was. 

 

[Griefsucks810]

15 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Tonight is Feb 22.  Tomorrow is Feb 23.  Just a quirk of how the calendar is laid out.  Friday, June 23 of 2023, is when Veronica and I received the cardiologist prognosis of her failing heart.  She seemed to accept her fate a whole lot better than I did, let me tell you.  Meanwhile she is on kidney dialysis, so the overall picture for her was not looking good at all.  Gotta figure things are bad if she needs meds to keep her blood pressure up, quite reverse of before her heart attack.  Saturday I discussed home hospice with her doctor and we set things in motion, with the plan to get her home on Wednesday, June 28.  In the meantime she was on “comfort care”, meaning pain management.  Sunday, June 25, she had a great day, even the nurses were telling her how good she looked.  Monday, June 26, when I went to see her, she was visibly fading.  Doctor said she would not make it to Wednesday.  Called our friends, our sons, her sister, to come start saying their goodbyes.  Veronica went to sleep the morning of June 27, 2023.  Quirk of the calendar - Feb 23, Friday, is my 70th birthday.  Reallly not feeling it right now, but we’ll so how it goes.  Red Cross shift in the afternoon.  I need to do that to keep my mind busy.  Have I mentioned how much this sucks?  😪

Happy belated birthday!!  Did you do anything for your birthday?

[Griefsucks810]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

DMB, 

John's  doctors never really told me his stroke would be fatal. The first night when he came to the ER, they did say there was a significant chance he would not live through the night.   I called my 2 sons to come to the hospital.  

But the bleed in his brain stopped, with the clotting medications they gave him (inspite of him being on the blood thinner Warfarin  for years).  The next day he was alert, conversant, in charge.  His band had a gig on Friday (his stroke was on Tuesday) and on Wednesday he was on the phone with the band members changing the set list anticipating that he might not be able to make the performance. 

I was full of hope for a complete recovery, thankful that I had gotten him to the hospital in time.  Doctors did tell me he was not out of danger yet, but my eyes and ears saw my invincible  husband taking charge of the situation. 

Dr Google, advised me that most (more that half) people with this kind of stroke die before they get to the hospital, but of those who respond to treatment, 50% survive past 30 days, many of whom achieve  a full recovery eventually.  The flip side of that statement is that 50% who respond to the initial treatment still die within 30 days.   My focus was that I had to get John past those first 30 days, then he could be in the group that eventually had a full recovery. 

I was delusional in my unwavering focus on getting John to day 31.  I couldn't  see the reality of his clearly deteriorating condition.

I suppose the doctors tried to tell me.  It just wouldn't  register in my brain.  Life would be impossible without him, so he had to get well. 

Today, 7 years ago, day 17, I authorized another invasive procedure to put a mechanical net type thing to catch the blood clots from his legs before they moved to his lungs.  He had to be taken to a nextdoor hospital (from the premier rehab facility  I had finally gotten him into). I walked next to him as the staff pushed his gurney through the parking lots between the 2 buildings.  It was the last time John was outdoors.  He gave a thumbs up when I talked about what a pretty day it was. 

 

You did everything right by your husband and made sure he got the medical care he needed so he could survive. Your husband knows that you love and care for him unconditionally and that you made him happy when you talked about what a pretty day it was.  Our loved ones know who is there for them and who isn’t while he was hospitalized. Your husband was surrounded by you and your children and felt the love and care all 3 of you have for him. 

[Griefsucks810]

20 hours ago, widower2 said:

Nor should you. I'm so sorry. I wonder if there's some vet AMA you could report them to? 

Medical incompetence definitely isn't limited to human beings. When I took her/our dog to an animal ER on the last night of his life, the guy was working on him and eventually went "OK not sure what's up, I called the vet to come in"........I was livid. WTF you aren't a vet?? Doesn't "ER" imply a VET is there 24/7? I wanted to beat the hell out of everyone there. 

Sorry about what you went thru at the place you took your pet to and of the passing of your pet. That guy was insensitive to you knowing you were in a state of despair that your pet was not well. There should have been a vet available onsite to evaluate and treat your pet properly and with dignity. People like the guy working on your pet should not be allowed to treat any animal without the supervision of a medically licensed vet. 

[Griefsucks810]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

@Rey Dominguez Jr

Rey, 

I'm  glad you are doing your Red Cross shift today.  I hope it distracts you for a few hours just to give your grieving brain a rest. 

Today will be tough.  Your first birthday without her, a major milestone birthday at that. If circumstances were different you would be celebrating together. 

Having the " 23rd " link to her diagnosis just seems extra painful. 

Do your best to just remember the many happy years together (though I know how little control we have over what our brains choose to focus on).  Know that Veronika loves you and she doesn't  want you to be sad. 

Gail

I used to link the “21st” day of each month for the longest time which was the day he died and dreaded it when the 21st day of each month came around cuz it’s been this long he is gone. I did the monthly then yearly countdown as to how long he has been deceased. I don’t dread the 21st day of the month anymore cuz I’ve gotten used to the 21st day of the month being just another day. This month I remembered the 21st day of February cuz he’s been gone exactly 4.5 years.  Over time the 23rd day of the month will not be as devastating to you as it is now; you’ll start to look at that day as another day of the month but you’ll remember that 23rd day of the month in your heart and mind. 

 You have a lot of memories of her and of you and her to cherish in your heart forever.  Memories is all that we have left of our spouses/partners cuz the life we lived with them and the people we were before they died no longer exists and died along with them. By no choice of our own, we must rebuild a new life for ourselves and to fully live this new life of ours each day as if it were our last. Not to take anything for granted and appreciate who and what we have in our lives. Easier said than done. I’ve haven’t fully rebuilt my life yet but I’m in a better place of mind than I was 4.5 years ago. I still have a lot of work to do as far as getting my depression under control cuz it’s been affecting my every day of life and my sleep. I just gotta make exercise and going back to church a part of my daily routine which are the 2 things I’m struggling with. I gotta get in shape to stay healthy cuz eating healthy alone is not gonna make me lose weight or stay healthy. 

[Griefsucks810]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Oh, Gail, I understand all too well.  My John had beaten prostate cancer 15 years earlier.  It runs in his family and pretty much all the men develop it at some point.  His was simply a little earlier than others.  I told myself that he'd survived a disabling bicycling accident and prostate cancer, so it was inconceivable to me that he wouldn't beat him bladder cancer.

I know how hard he tried not to leave us.  And I know he fought longer and harder than I should have expected.  I tried to stay so positive, even as his health grew worse and the testing showed little spots of metastasis.  Chemo had seemed successful.  He was preparing for his primary surgery when things rapidly took a downturn.  I should have asked him so much sooner, "Love, do you want to go home?" Instead, there I was trying to help him get well enough for the next treatment (spot radiation).  He never got to go home that last time in the hospital. 

Even as we were preparing for home hospice, his body simply couldn't take any more.  I tell myself that at least he had been on palliative care for a few days as we were getting everything ready, but the fact is that he died in the hospital.  They moved us to a huge private room with a view of his favorite courtyard (small hospital, but many small beautiful courtyards too), floor to ceiling windows, and quiet.  No more multiple IVs or monitors beeping or hustle and bustle.  The staff was wonderful, but all through that last day as I played his favorite music for him, all I could think was how I had failed him, that it was all my fault.

It took years to turn my massive, heavy guilt into the regret it is now.  I can only hope that he has forgiven me my faults and failings as I have forgiven his.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much all at the same time.  There are some things that I don't think ever truly get easier.

There was nothing different you could have done to make your husband live longer than he did. You did not fail your husband in any way; you did everything right by him so he could live and he knew that. His body and immune system wasn't strong enough to fight off the cancer anymore which is what caused him to die. Don’t beat yourself up with regret cuz you can’t change how the cancer took his life and there was nothing different you could have done to make him live longer. There’s nothing to be forgiven for cause you did nothing wrong. Your husband knew you were a good woman and good wife to him.
 

I also was in despair after my husband died and felt guilty for a long time that I wasn’t able to save him. I also beat myself up asking myself what could I have done to save him, why did he have to die, and what should have been done to save him. It was only till recently that I fully accepted his death for how it happened and that it was his fate to die the way that he did. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/21/2024 at 2:55 AM, Roxeanne said:

Gail i know it's hard...but you did the best you can at the time, even tried badly to make things right!

I'm sure your dear husband understood that...!

Be kind to yourself, we know the massacre game of guilty feelings...it's not good but sometimes we need to play it!!

Sending you warm hugs

Gail, you did everything right by your husband until he passed. Your husband was aware that you were doing everything right by him and knows you were by his side no matter what. Don’t get yourself wrapped up in guilt cuz you couldn’t change the outcome no matter what you did. We’re only guilty of loving our spouses unconditionally and wanted them to live longer than they did.  
I let guilt consume me for a while after my husband died cuz I wasn’t home when he died and wished I was home to save him. I learned to live with his death as it happened and there was nothing I could have done to save him cuz his death was quick and unexpected. The forensic pathologist told me that his death was quick and he didn’t suffer which gave me some sort of comfort. Life how I lived as well as the person I was before he died no longer exists and died along with him.  It’s a fact that we can’t change our fate or anyone else’s fate because it’s already been decided by God. For a while I resented God for taking my husband from me and that we were cheated out of growing old together and our forever together. I pray to God each night asking him to bestow happiness joy and peace into my life. Hope he answers my prayers sooner than later. 
 

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/21/2024 at 1:18 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Hello friends,

I continue to struggle with depression. My mind, like every year before, replays my husband's final days.  Today, day 13 after the stroke, I was desperately trying to get him moved out of our local hospital into a premier stroke rehabilitation center.  I put so much pressure on him to "pass" his swallowing test because the rehab facility would not take him if he couldn't  take food orally. He had blood clots forming in his arms and legs and I was convinced if he got to the rehab center, the physical exercise he would get there was his only chance to reverse this. I pushed my husband to try harder, pushed the doctors to give rehab a chance. I would have put him on my back and carried him to rehab if I could.  

He passed the swallow test, and was moved to rehab tomorrow, day 14.  But today was the last day he swallowed any food.  From here on out, it was a series of last times.  Tomorrow is the last day he spoke.

My despiration for John to get better was all intertwined with our son's upcoming wedding.  John's band was going to be the wedding reception  band. John wrote a song for their wedding. He had to get to rehab because the wedding was just weeks away. 

(You can see the  extent of my denial that my husband was critically ill.)

Somehow, the fact that my son's  marriage is now dissolving, it feels like all that pressure I put on my husband to recover quickly, to be well for the wedding, was terribly wrong. 

I know this is all irrational. My mind is once again pointing the finger at me, that it was my fault he died. I did everything wrong.  I pushed him so hard, for what, a marriage that is now a mess. 

I wish I had some level of control over my brain and the thoughts running through my head. I wish I could stop this 25 day replay of John's  journey from stroke to death, my unreasonable demands on him, and his efforts to do my bidding despite the pain he endured. I wish my brain did not grab hold of this pending divorce and use it to somehow further undermine the decisions I made 7 years ago.  Rationally, I know it's  not true. But what I feel is that dark monster of guilt pulling me down. 

I know I will get through this, one day at a time.  There is no way to fast track it.  I try not to believe the feelings of guilt. Back in year 4, I escaped the prison of guilt by acknowledging  that I did the best I could with the information I had.  Now in year 7, I am partially back in that prison. I am both the jailer and the one jailed. 

I feel a bit schizophrenic, I can see the irrationality of my plight, but I feel the despair  of one who is guilty. 

Well this was just me sharing where my head is today. I'm  hoping it will get a bit better when I get out of my 25 day replay. 

I hope you are all doing better than I am right now. The good news is that I do know that this too shall pass.

Gail

It is not your fault that your husband died. Don’t let the guilt set into your mind cuz it will consume you. You fought hard for your husband to live which encouraged him to fight that much harder to live cuz he saw that you weren’t gonna give up on him.
You gotta stop reliving those last 25 days of his life in your mind cuz it will eventually drive you into a nervous breakdown. You should instead cherish all of the memories you shared with each other over the years you were together.  As far as your son’s pending divorce, it is out of your hands and the only thing you can do is be supportive to your son. Hopefully the divorce will be an amicable one for both of them so they don’t have to go before a divorce judge. 

[Griefsucks810]

9 hours ago, DMB said:

HB, Rey!

Oh Gail, I feel for you.  I hope once thru the 25 day replay you will begin to feel better.  

My husband was terminal at diagnosis.  The Dr kept telling us this will be fatal, and in my head, I kept telling him to shut up! If they're willing to administer treatment and he's willing to accept it, then there's a chance, right?  So, I totally get you pushing to get your husband better.  

 

Take care.

So sorry for the loss of your husband.  Although your husband was terminal at diagnosis, I’m sure you did everything possible for him to receive the best medical  treatment as possible so he could live out what time he had left with you. You wanted nothing more than for your husband to get better and live longer than what the drs said he would. You held out hope that he would live despite the reality that his condition was terminal and that he could die at any time which was hard for you to accept.             I hope that you don’t feel any type of guilt that you didn’t do enough for him - his sickness rapidly spread throughout his body to where it became terminal causing him not to have much time left to live because his immune system could no longer fight off the sickness in his body. So sorry your husband had to suffer with a terminal illness which eventually took his life. There was nothing you could have done  to make him live longer cuz his sickness  was too advanced into his body and into his organs. You stood by your husband’s bedside still showing him your love and devotion until he passed away.  

[Griefsucks810]

23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Oh, Gail, I understand all too well.  My John had beaten prostate cancer 15 years earlier.  It runs in his family and pretty much all the men develop it at some point.  His was simply a little earlier than others.  I told myself that he'd survived a disabling bicycling accident and prostate cancer, so it was inconceivable to me that he wouldn't beat him bladder cancer.

I know how hard he tried not to leave us.  And I know he fought longer and harder than I should have expected.  I tried to stay so positive, even as his health grew worse and the testing showed little spots of metastasis.  Chemo had seemed successful.  He was preparing for his primary surgery when things rapidly took a downturn.  I should have asked him so much sooner, "Love, do you want to go home?" Instead, there I was trying to help him get well enough for the next treatment (spot radiation).  He never got to go home that last time in the hospital. 

Even as we were preparing for home hospice, his body simply couldn't take any more.  I tell myself that at least he had been on palliative care for a few days as we were getting everything ready, but the fact is that he died in the hospital.  They moved us to a huge private room with a view of his favorite courtyard (small hospital, but many small beautiful courtyards too), floor to ceiling windows, and quiet.  No more multiple IVs or monitors beeping or hustle and bustle.  The staff was wonderful, but all through that last day as I played his favorite music for him, all I could think was how I had failed him, that it was all my fault.

It took years to turn my massive, heavy guilt into the regret it is now.  I can only hope that he has forgiven me my faults and failings as I have forgiven his.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much all at the same time.  There are some things that I don't think ever truly get easier.

It will never leave our minds or our hearts as to how much our spouses/partners suffered with a debilitating condition until they passed away. I can’t even begin to understand what you went through while your spouse/partner was dying before your eyes.  Our spouses/partners deaths are a part of us and always will be. 

You did not fail your beloved one and there is not a reason for you to be forgiven cuz you did nothing wrong. This is guilt trying to play with your emotions- don’t give into it. 
 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

9 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Did you do anything for your birthday?

Aside from my afternoon shift for Red Cross, our kids took me to dinner.  Had a nice time, but never really could get past how Veronica was no longer here with me, with us.  She loved to be with the kids whenever she could.  At home, when the kids sang “Happy Birthday”, my emotions swept over me because that was Veronica’s thing to do, sing Happy Birthday, then I would kiss her.  Not anymore.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Thank you all for the birthday greetings and wishes.  Like I told our older son, I was not really feeling the “Happy” but I will survive.  He understood.  

[HisMunchkin]

18 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I still have a lot of work to do as far as getting my depression under control cuz it’s been affecting my every day of life and my sleep. I just gotta make exercise and going back to church a part of my daily routine which are the 2 things I’m struggling with. I gotta get in shape to stay healthy cuz eating healthy alone is not gonna make me lose weight or stay healthy. 

Have you been able to clean up the bedroom?

[Griefsucks810]

22 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Have you been able to clean up the bedroom?

No I still haven’t did it and it definitely needs to be done soon cuz my daughter has also been on my case for the past week to clean up my room. It seriously needs a deep cleaning, vacuuming the floor and rugs and swivel mop the floor.  I also have to find cardboard boxes to put my clothes in cuz both of my closets are overstuffed with my daughter’s stuff and stuff that I don’t use.  

[KayC]

@Gail 8588 How are you doing today?

[HisMunchkin]

5 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

No I still haven’t did it and it definitely needs to be done soon cuz my daughter has also been on my case for the past week to clean up my room. It seriously needs a deep cleaning, vacuuming the floor and rugs and swivel mop the floor.  I also have to find cardboard boxes to put my clothes in cuz both of my closets are overstuffed with my daughter’s stuff and stuff that I don’t use.  

You can do it!! 🥳📣  A little each day would make it feel less overwhelming.  Where will you get boxes?                

[Griefsucks810]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

You can do it!! 🥳📣  A little each day would make it feel less overwhelming.  Where will you get boxes?                

Thanks for your encouragement!! I’ll be able to get cardboard boxes at the local corner store in my area where I live. 

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

@Gail 8588 How are you doing today?

Still pretty low.  Spend a lot of time sleeping or trying to sleep.  Today is day 19 in my unwanted 25 day marathon.  So many sad memories fill my head. 

My grandsons have both been sick so I haven't  been able to be with them.

This too shall pass.

[Griefsucks810]

22 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Still pretty low.  Spend a lot of time sleeping or trying to sleep.  Today is day 19 in my unwanted 25 day marathon.  So many sad memories fill my head. 

My grandsons have both been sick so I haven't  been able to be with them.

This too shall pass.

So sorry to see that you’re going thru such a bad time right now concerning the 25 day marathon. My heart is with you.  It’s always saddens me whenever I hear that a child is sick.  They will get better before you know it and you’ll be able to spend time with them. 

[HisMunchkin]

16 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I’ll be able to get cardboard boxes at the local corner store in my area where I live. 

For free?