The private grief world

[Cath61]

I can totally relate. I wish I'd been more supportive of my husband's interests. He supported me always. I appreciated him but wish I told him more, he told me every day. I miss everything about him/us. I feel so cheated for the retirement plans we worked so hard for and didn't get to fulfill. He was 10 years older than me, so I couldn't retire yet and he worked longer for 'our future" and only got 1.5 years, which he completely enjoyed, even though he was in constant pain.  Sorry for the depressing post, it's just a bad day.

[DWS]

27 minutes ago, Cath61 said:

Sorry for the depressing post, it's just a bad day.

No apologies are needed at all. We all come here to express and release the pain that remains in our hearts...especially when we're having a bad day. The heaviness of feeling cheated is something that I continually deal with as well. It's a very challenging part of loss to process. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Sunday afternoons, from 3 to 4 pm, I can be found by Veronica’s final resting place at Miramar National Cemetery.  This afternoon, I ran into another griever, a retired Navy man, visiting his wife two rows up from my wife.  We speak often when he is there at the same time I am, as he is leaving to go home.  He gets there earlier  than I do.  He said something interesting as was getting ready to leave.  He said it is strange, and a bit sad, that the highlight of our week has come down to visiting our loved ones at their final resting place.  I thought for a second and darn it if it isn’t the truth.  The only thing I actually plan on the weekend is sitting with Veronica at Miramar.  I always buy fresh flowers on Saturday and place them in water for Sunday.  Oh, I have my Red Cross scheduled in the week, but it has nothing to do with my wife.  The retired Navy man and I said our good byes for the afternoon, and I am sure I will see him again next Sunday.  But he left me thinking about his comments.  

[P777]

1 hour ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Sunday afternoons, from 3 to 4 pm, I can be found by Veronica’s final resting place at Miramar National Cemetery.  This afternoon, I ran into another griever, a retired Navy man, visiting his wife two rows up from my wife.  We speak often when he is there at the same time I am, as he is leaving to go home.  He gets there earlier  than I do.  He said something interesting as was getting ready to leave.  He said it is strange, and a bit sad, that the highlight of our week has come down to visiting our loved ones at their final resting place.  I thought for a second and darn it if it isn’t the truth.  The only thing I actually plan on the weekend is sitting with Veronica at Miramar.  I always buy fresh flowers on Saturday and place them in water for Sunday.  Oh, I have my Red Cross scheduled in the week, but it has nothing to do with my wife.  The retired Navy man and I said our good byes for the afternoon, and I am sure I will see him again next Sunday.  But he left me thinking about his comments.  

Hi Rey, I think its a very beautiful thing that the highlight of your week and your navy friend, is of visiting your Wife's final resting place. You share two common bonds in that you both served for your country and more importantly, you loved your Wives with all of your hearts.

My Wife wanted her ashes spread in the sea, as she loved the coast and sea so much. I am going to wait though, until our Son is a little bit older, and he will then remember it more, than at the moment. 

After we have done it, everytime we visit the coast (only short distance from where we live), we will think of her even more than each day....

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

He said it is strange, and a bit sad, that the highlight of our week has come down to visiting our loved ones at their final resting place.

Perhaps sad but if it's your highlight, isn't that something to look forward to?  I know, it's mixed feelings...esp. when we think about how it used to be.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 He said it is strange, and a bit sad, that the highlight of our week has come down to visiting our loved ones at their final resting place.  I thought for a second and darn it if it isn’t the truth.  The only thing I actually plan on the weekend is sitting with Veronica at Miramar.  I always buy fresh flowers on Saturday and place them in water for Sunday.  Oh, I have my Red Cross scheduled in the week, but it has nothing to do with my wife.

Yes, I have similar feelings as well. Even though my part time scorekeeping job and my sports card business keep me somewhat busy, there's still a lot of free time to our grieving. Yesterday, Ross and I went out to eat with Chris's best friend and her husband. The last time we were all at this restaurant, Chris was alive and we were celebrating July birthdays. When we first arrived there, I looked up at the ceiling and told Chris, "remembering you today."

[KayC]

I am so glad I spread George's ashes in our backyard, he always called this "our home in the clouds." I could think of no better place for him to be than where he loved and felt least anxiety.  It will be hard if I ever have to leave this place but fortunately I can view it from the place next door where they maybe camp once a year if that.

[ceejaybee]

I am 5 days into my grief - not able to do much........mostly just reading your helpful posts.  The idea of the "private grief journey" rang true to me so I joined this thread.  Thank you for all your honesty.

This is actually the loss of my second partner.  I lost my beloved husband 23 years ago and found love a second time 6 years ago.  He passed away last Wednesday.  

I am experiencing lots of the same private experiences  for the second time and there's almost a PTSD element to it.  I'm profoundly sad yet I want to relate to all of you that there is, oddly, a comfort for me to know I went through this private grief journey once and survived it.  I loved both these men with all my heart (the only way to love) and inevitably, the grief that follows such a love is profound.  Still, I have been blessed.

Of course, you never 'get over it' as others hope you will.  Deep grief changes us profoundly, at what feels like the molecular level.  Yet slowly your new normal forms.  Your life is different (and in my case, smaller), but it is rewarding.

Yes, the journey is truly private but it is also unique to each one of us.   Thank you all for sharing your unique, private journey.  It's a godsend for me this evening.

[RichS]

ceejaybee:  WELCOME TO OUR BOARD! We are all sorry for both of your losses. Despite that, you seem to have a positive outlook on life. Please continue to post here. A lot of us (myself included) can benefit from your insights.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, ceejaybee said:

I am 5 days into my grief - not able to do much........mostly just reading your helpful posts.  The idea of the "private grief journey" rang true to me so I joined this thread.  Thank you for all your honesty.

This is actually the loss of my second partner.  I lost my beloved husband 23 years ago and found love a second time 6 years ago.  He passed away last Wednesday.  

I am experiencing lots of the same private experiences  for the second time and there's almost a PTSD element to it.  I'm profoundly sad yet I want to relate to all of you that there is, oddly, a comfort for me to know I went through this private grief journey once and survived it.  I loved both these men with all my heart (the only way to love) and inevitably, the grief that follows such a love is profound.  Still, I have been blessed.

Of course, you never 'get over it' as others hope you will.  Deep grief changes us profoundly, at what feels like the molecular level.  Yet slowly your new normal forms.  Your life is different (and in my case, smaller), but it is rewarding.

Yes, the journey is truly private but it is also unique to each one of us.   Thank you all for sharing your unique, private journey.  It's a godsend for me this evening.

I'm so very sorry. To deal with such a loss once is unbearable enough, but twice I can't imagine. Five days is so fresh, but your perspective is unique, having been there before. I hope this site can help; it's a great group of people. 

[KayC]

You undoubtedly learned a lot the first time so you recognize a lot this time around.  I'm sorry your journey takes you once again here...yet I know for myself I wouldn't undo one bit of my journey with my husband to spare the pain I've felt since losing him.  19 years for me Father's Day the 19th that year.  

We welcome you and are glad you reasonate with this thread.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Was sitting on our bed for a few minutes, looking at Veronica’s closet.  I realized I had not been in there since about this time last year when I picked out her clothes for her memorial.  I picked a new flowered blouse and some slacks we had purchased for our now cancelled trip to Hawaii.  So Veronica did get to wear her new blouse in a way.  Hanging in front of the closet was a new night gown we had also purchased for the trip, still in a plastic cleaners bag, ready for me to pack in her suitcase.  Also hanging in front of her closet was a special long-sleeved aloha shirt I purchased for myself for her funeral, still in the cleaners bag after I got it cleaned following her memorial.  I used to pick Veronica’s clothes out for her for the day, or for any family or friends gathering.  That was one of the tasks I enjoyed doing for her is laying out her clothes.  I have not been able to open her closet since last year.  The anniversary of her memorial and burial is this coming weekend.  After that, at some point, I’ll have to work up the “gumption” to open it up and just take stock.  This sucks!  

[KayC]

Prayers for you as you go through this, Rey.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Thank you very much, KayC!

[AJ4]

I just got back from two trips.   One of them was to Italy and Greece and it brought up so many strong feelings from the past for me.  The only other time I was in Italy was when we honey mooned there, and one of my husband's big enthusiasms was art history so when we were there we went into every single church/cathedral/ruin we could find and it was all so fascinating because he knew so much.  I had also taken art history, but my uh, retention rate, was not as good as his, since he basically never forgot anything if he was interested in the subject.    On this trip, which was with my friends, I cried frequently at going to sites that I know he would have loved.  It was usually in churches.  I guess it was ok to let people think I was overwhelmed by religious feeling?   Also, we had always wanted to go to Greece together but did not get to, so I was sad for that, but also I took his ashes with me and spread them at several beautiful locations I know he would have loved.   His grandfather was born and raised in Athens, in a little commercial street just at the foot of the Acropolis hill, so it was part of his heritage too.    

My second trip was to my mom's farm.  My dad died in February, and I still haven't even begun to come to terms with that loss. This was his memorial celebration, and there were relatives from all around the country.  I guess the phase for my feelings would be "denial" still.  I kept expecting him to appear out of a side yard or through the kitchen door.  The ashes spreading did not seem real, like what is this? What are we doing?  When's my dad coming in?  

Also, between the two trips I had covid, and although I tested negative before I went down to my mom's, I still feel extremely worn out.   

[KayC]

2 hours ago, AJ4 said:

I guess it was ok to let people think I was overwhelmed by religious feeling? 

Totally, no need to explain to anyone unless you wanted to.  Sounds like a beautiful trip!

[WithoutHer]

I remember talk here about the 2nd year being the most difficult. I'm approaching the middle of it and becoming a believer. Of course the 3rd and 4th are ahead and yet experienced this year and the loneliness of going through it alone is taking an exceptional toll on my emotions and anxiety levels. I think I could easily shift into a complete hopeless feeling if I didn't have the animals to care for. And in their own way they absolutely do give me their attention as well. But I'm missing Vickie's company even more than a year ago and it's an unbearable state of mind to try to logically work through. Other than sharing these issues with all of you here I have no place to express need scream out like I'm on mountain cliff yelling out to the country side how unfair it was for Vickie to have been taken away. There's a lot more feeling of desperation in this post than I have the appropriate vocabulary to get across. Therapy sessions are not the answer for me not only because of past experiences but because these emotions are a wave as others have described. They need to be expressed when they peak. Holding on to them for a discussion when they settle down losses the effects of their intensity.

This is a crying out for emotional help with no local ears to actively listen or immediately reply. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. I believe it's a selfish act. 

But I have released my words to the only people I know who get it and may have in their own way been through and perhaps can explain it better than I. 

Like everyone here I miss Vickie, my person, more and more with each passing day. In the wake of bad relationships we brought a happy fulfillment to each others lives. Life's not fair is not just an empty cliché.

[RichS]

40 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

But I'm missing Vickie's company even more than a year ago and it's an unbearable state of mind to try to logically work through.

Absolutely!!..............and what sums it all up is the acceptance of the "new normal." I hate that phrase and I suspect others on this board do as well. In any case, we have no choice but to work through it, to move forward. For me personally, it hasn't been easy; and next month will be two years since she left us. Maybe I could have done a little more to help myself over the past two years and maybe I did everything I could have been expected to do. That's how confusing this topic can be to discuss.

 

[7779311]

On 7/5/2024 at 9:33 PM, WithoutHer said:

I also never got to take her Ocean City Maryland which being a beach lover she also would have enjoyed.

What a coincidence. We just made a trip last weekend to "visit" my husband at the beach where we spread his ashes about 4 months ago. Somehow got on the topic of east coast beaches. I was trying to describe Ocean City MD to my 21 yo, which of course was the Ocean City I remember from 30 years ago....I grew up in DE. It struck me how time moves on without us sometimes. Couldn't find anything online about the aerial tram that used to go out over the pier. Guess it's gone, too.

[WithoutHer]

21 minutes ago, RichS said:

Absolutely!!..............and what sums it all up is the acceptance of the "new normal." I hate that phrase and I suspect others on this board do as well. In any case, we have no choice but to work through it, to move forward. For me personally, it hasn't been easy; and next month will be two years since she left us. Maybe I could have done a little more to help myself over the past two years and maybe I did everything I could have been expected to do. That's how confusing this topic can be to discuss.

 

Yes I myself dislike the term "new normal" and wrote about it last year. It may be semantics but to me it's a new existence and there's nothing normal about it.

[WithoutHer]

22 minutes ago, 7779311 said:

What a coincidence. We just made a trip last weekend to "visit" my husband at the beach where we spread his ashes about 4 months ago. Somehow got on the topic of east coast beaches. I was trying to describe Ocean City MD to my 21 yo, which of course was the Ocean City I remember from 30 years ago....I grew up in DE. It struck me how time moves on without us sometimes. Couldn't find anything online about the aerial tram that used to go out over the pier. Guess it's gone, too.

I was last there 16 or 17 years ago and it had changed in many ways since my younger days. I would imagine it has changed even more. I mentioned in a post not long ago about how things have changed just around our local area where Vickie and once took our weekly adventure drives. Some have changed so much to be unrecognizable. I went to some of these just to get out of the house. But the changes and being without Vickie I have given up on getting out any longer. It just drives home my loneliness and related depression and anxiety.

[KayC]

Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

[DWS]

7 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Other than sharing these issues with all of you here I have no place to express need scream out like I'm on mountain cliff yelling out to the country side how unfair it was for Vickie to have been taken away. There's a lot more feeling of desperation in this post than I have the appropriate vocabulary to get across. Therapy sessions are not the answer for me not only because of past experiences but because these emotions are a wave as others have described. They need to be expressed when they peak. Holding on to them for a discussion when they settle down losses the effects of their intensity.

You've described this, seemingly, futile scenario so perfectly. Those waves are vicious as we frantically look for any type of life preserver to save us from drowning. Thankfully, I haven't had the severe episodes of those for a while now but I sure know them. It's pure heavy-heartedness and my way of dealing with it is to remind myself of that...that my heart is heavy right now. I don't know why but it helps...maybe because it lets me know that this moment will pass. It tells me to focus on my breathing and to try to get me out of this current clouded mindset because I don't like the darkness where it takes me. 

And I do get it about therapy sessions. They can be helpful particularly at the start and I am very grateful that I had my monthly talks with my grief counselor but later on, I found them to start being a bit tedious and eventually un-helpful. Relaying to her of some heavy grief moment that occurred a week ago seemed rather needless particularly when she would ask if I can recall what brought it on or how did I deal with it. Suddenly, the session feels like a quiz or a test! And often, those sessions towards the end had me sounding like a broken record going back to how unfair this all is and how much I miss him......and maybe that's because loss and grief does seem similar to a broken record. 

[ImMomma]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I remember talk here about the 2nd year being the most difficult. I'm approaching the middle of it and becoming a believer. Of course the 3rd and 4th are ahead and yet experienced this year and the loneliness of going through it alone is taking an exceptional toll on my emotions and anxiety levels. I think I could easily shift into a complete hopeless feeling if I didn't have the animals to care for. And in their own way they absolutely do give me their attention as well. But I'm missing Vickie's company even more than a year ago and it's an unbearable state of mind to try to logically work through. .

I get it.  There have been many nights I sat on my patio at 3am literally screaming into a deep pillow until I nearly passed out.  

 

And there is no way to 'logic oneself' out of that kind if visceral - feral expression of grief.   I know - I have tried.  The best I could do is understand that a state of denial is always going to be floating around my soul.  The first year i confront it deliberately.   I tell myself things like "This is the first holiday - Im getting thru each minute - Im crying, but thats OK. Next year will be better".  But next year is worse because I fooled myself intellectually by telling myself Im prepared, but up jumps Denial and punches me.in the gut saying "it is REAL! s/he is NOT coming back.  It's not a one-off situation!" And it hits me harder and deeper and with more force than the initial shock.

I really have to accept the loss is permanent now.  

Yes everyone is different.  But there are some losses that keep pummeling me even though its been 25 years.   And every new grief seems to stimulate old grief and pile on my soul until I can't breathe.   

 

I never knew what an honest-to-God, diagnosed Panic Attack was until I had one and landed in the ER.    I've been on the verge of one this year because of a lot of things outside of my control.   I scream a lot now it seems.  Thats part of my own therapy - into a pillow - or in the shower.   As you said - if we dont get it out - it implodes.   

 

My cardiologist told me that its not that unusual for deep grief to cause physical heart or health problems.   I had to undergo cardiac testing before my cancer surgery and because I was already 'anxious'  (much too polite a word for what I'm feeling) over my husbands failing health and impending death.    My doctor recommended 2 things.  Try to get some kind of exercise (not easy for me because of my own health disabilities) and talk to others (thats why I am here too) and scream!  

For me - all the years after the second year are surprises.  We never know what may happen during the year that will influence each moments grief.   Sometimes that denial-demon still jumps up and my knee-jerk reaction defaults to "I can't believe it!" and I can't breathe again.   

The last couple months for me are especially bad.  I MUST go thru my whole house and purge everything that wont fit into a 10 x 10 room.  Thats about all I will have soon.  We have a lifetime of photos and mementos, home movies and items that bring comfort.  No children or family to pass anything down.  

[Gail 8588]

My first 3.5 years were terrible. I was a zombie with no hope of ever feeling better.  My 4th year I finally made some progress toward living, being engaged in life, experiencing some joy, feeling like things mattered.  In years 5 - 7, I got more comfortable with my new life without John, but became more and more aware how much harder life is without him in a very practical sense. I still miss him emotionally, but I am feeling more and more worn down because there is just too much stuff for one person to do to maintain a residence and a lake cabin 3 hours away. 

Fear has been creeping back in.  What is to become of me if I become ill or infirm?  There is no good answer that I see. 

I try to remain positive. It's hard.  We were supposed to grow old together.  I am in awe of how Kay has persevered for so many years.  I don't  know if I have her strenght.  But what can we do but  face each day as it comes and try not to worry about the unknown future.  

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, ImMomma said:

I get it.  There have been many nights I sat on my patio at 3am literally screaming into a deep pillow until I nearly passed out.  

 

And there is no way to 'logic oneself' out of that kind if visceral - feral expression of grief.   I know - I have tried.  The best I could do is understand that a state of denial is always going to be floating around my soul.  The first year i confront it deliberately.   I tell myself things like "This is the first holiday - Im getting thru each minute - Im crying, but thats OK. Next year will be better".  But next year is worse because I fooled myself intellectually by telling myself Im prepared, but up jumps Denial and punches me.in the gut saying "it is REAL! s/he is NOT coming back.  It's not a one-off situation!" And it hits me harder and deeper and with more force than the initial shock.

I really have to accept the loss is permanent now.  

Yes everyone is different.  But there are some losses that keep pummeling me even though its been 25 years.   And every new grief seems to stimulate old grief and pile on my soul until I can't breathe.   

 

I never knew what an honest-to-God, diagnosed Panic Attack was until I had one and landed in the ER.    I've been on the verge of one this year because of a lot of things outside of my control.   I scream a lot now it seems.  Thats part of my own therapy - into a pillow - or in the shower.   As you said - if we dont get it out - it implodes.   

 

My cardiologist told me that its not that unusual for deep grief to cause physical heart or health problems.   I had to undergo cardiac testing before my cancer surgery and because I was already 'anxious'  (much too polite a word for what I'm feeling) over my husbands failing health and impending death.    My doctor recommended 2 things.  Try to get some kind of exercise (not easy for me because of my own health disabilities) and talk to others (thats why I am here too) and scream!  

For me - all the years after the second year are surprises.  We never know what may happen during the year that will influence each moments grief.   Sometimes that denial-demon still jumps up and my knee-jerk reaction defaults to "I can't believe it!" and I can't breathe again.   

The last couple months for me are especially bad.  I MUST go thru my whole house and purge everything that wont fit into a 10 x 10 room.  Thats about all I will have soon.  We have a lifetime of photos and mementos, home movies and items that bring comfort.  No children or family to pass anything down.  

@ImMomma I can relate to so much of your post as well as mention of cancer and the need to downsize. My downsizing really hits home as I look around this small apartment. I lost my last house because of divorce and decided to truly start over and literally leave everything behind. My realtor hooked me up with a couple clears properties and had them take everything. I moved in here just the basics. Except for a futon the TV and my computer and electronics it was essentially empty. It was just me and my buddy little Yorkie Baxter. Then after some time and fate Vickie and I came together and made a new life with each other here. Now the little place is packed with that life and filled with Vickie. Grief found Vickie 3 times in her last 3 years. She lost her mother brother and brother in law all to close together. But she, unlike me, didn't go through those times alone. I was here with her and she had her sisters and children in Alabama.

Needless to say this whole place is a reflection of her and our 11 years together. Years that we agreed were the best relationship out lives brought to each other.

[WithoutHer]

I have recently learned some information that makes my world feel even smaller. Although I didn't maintain contact with them most of my fathers side of the family lives in Maine. I don't know what made me decide to do it but I did a search on his sister, my aunt, and learned she passed away this past November. She was 99. And I was shocked to read in her obituary that she was predeceased by her daughter, my cousin, Karen in 2012 from a chronic lung disease. She was 54. I then gave thought to my father's best friend who I knew moved to Colorado and found he had also passed in 2022.

This all weighs heavy on me along with losing Vickie. Even though I hadn't kept in touch these were all people who were a part of my life at one time and made my world feel all that much smaller.

[KayC]

One day at a time, Gail.  I was a mess the first few years.

[Sar123]

Being in year 2 of grief has been beating me up lately. I wasn’t expecting it to be like this. I googled year 2 of grief and found a site that pretty much describes where I’m at currently 

“As year two crept in, so did the dread of reality and this time, it was without the shield of the foggy, denial filled eyes. Those eyes were bloodshot and tired but their vision was clear: this is my life now, our life and I have no choice but to live it. I had to start living again along with the rest of the world. But the thing is, I couldn’t help but feel as though they got to live it in the same way as last year and the one before that. They continue to navigate this world as the person they are. When you lose a partner, you lose any chance you had to continue the life you were living and it suddenly becomes who you were. Year one you lost your person. Year two, you realize, you lost you. . . .”

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, Sar123 said:

Year one you lost your person. Year two, you realize, you lost you

It feels so true. This month of year two is especially difficult because it's her birthday month. Yet the whole year has a deeper harsher feel. And yes I have lost myself as well. I expect these overwhelming emotions to stick with me for a long time to come.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Sar123 said:

When you lose a partner, you lose any chance you had to continue the life you were living and it suddenly becomes who you were.

After next month I'll be starting Year 3. They say Year 3 for some begins a period where you begin to start your new path in life; along with it's possibilities. So far I'm not feeling any of that; so my journey to WHERE?? WHAT?? AND WHEN?? continues..........................

[KayC]

Not sure who "they" are,  took me a good 5 years to process my grief and Gail too.  Don't worry about how far out you are, we're all unique and so are our journeys.

[Cath61]

On 7/12/2024 at 8:45 AM, DWS said:

...and maybe that's because loss and grief does seem similar to a broken record. 

This is exactly how I feel. Like I'm saying the same thing over and over again, with the same result, which is I still can't get my husband back.

He's been gone 5 months and I still can't accept he's gone (he passed very suddenly and unexpectedly. Even though he had had rheumatoid arthritis for 20 years).

He was 10 years older than me, so we were probably never going to "grow super old " together but still, 34 years was not enough with the love of your life.

I am so heartbroken yet grateful for having my soulmate for 34 years. I can't wait to see him again.

[DWS]

17 hours ago, RichS said:

After next month I'll be starting Year 3. They say Year 3 for some begins a period where you begin to start your new path in life; along with it's possibilities. So far I'm not feeling any of that; so my journey to WHERE?? WHAT?? AND WHEN?? continues..........................

I'd say Year 3 is the year of numbness for me. Year 1 was fighting the reality and living through the firsts. Year 2 was dealing with awareness, realizing that this pain is now a vital part of me, and understanding that I needed to internalize thoughts and feelings for fear of someone asking "aren't you over it yet".

Year 3 has me feeling numb that so much time has passed and that I've lived so many months with so much silence and emptiness.  

[KayC]

Good way of putting it.  Described aptly.

[foreverhis]

On 7/12/2024 at 10:32 AM, Gail 8588 said:

My first 3.5 years were terrible. I was a zombie with no hope of ever feeling better.  My 4th year I finally made some progress toward living, being engaged in life, experiencing some joy, feeling like things mattered.  In years 5 - 7, I got more comfortable with my new life without John, but became more and more aware how much harder life is without him in a very practical sense. I still miss him emotionally, but I am feeling more and more worn down because there is just too much stuff for one person to do to maintain a residence and a lake cabin 3 hours away. 

Fear has been creeping back in.  What is to become of me if I become ill or infirm?  There is no good answer that I see. 

I try to remain positive. It's hard.  We were supposed to grow old together.  I am in awe of how Kay has persevered for so many years.  I don't  know if I have her strenght.  But what can we do but  face each day as it comes and try not to worry about the unknown future.  

Though I am about 18 months behind you, Gail, you've expressed so much of my experience so far, the timing and everything.

Last week was 6 years.  It was the first July 9th that I woke up and had to ask myself for a tiny second, "Why do I feel so depressed, anxious, and sad today?"  Of course, it wasn't more than a split second, but it was different.  OTOH, the previous years, I've not had much going on during the days leading up to it and the anticipatory days have been horrible.  This year, my sister and BIL were visiting, celebrating an anniversary, and just enjoying time together.  We spent time with friends and plenty of time just the three of us.  I didn't really have the usual tense, upsetting build up in the days preceding it.  It felt odd.  It also meant that once "It's the day" hit me, I had a tough time of it, but nothing like the first 3 years.

[ImMomma]

On 7/13/2024 at 12:03 PM, Sar123 said:

Being in year 2 of grief has been beating me up lately. I wasn’t expecting it to be like this. I googled year 2 of grief and found a site that pretty much describes where I’m at currently 

“As year two crept in, so did the dread of reality and this time, it was without the shield of the foggy, denial filled eyes. Those eyes were bloodshot and tired but their vision was clear: this is my life now, our life and I have no choice but to live it. I had to start living again along with the rest of the world. But the thing is, I couldn’t help but feel as though they got to live it in the same way as last year and the one before that. They continue to navigate this world as the person they are. When you lose a partner, you lose any chance you had to continue the life you were living and it suddenly becomes who you were. Year one you lost your person. Year two, you realize, you lost you. . . .”

Perfectly stated.   And perfectly devastating.  

[WithoutHer]

It's another tearful evening but with a twist of a different type of awareness. I've been getting triggered by so many things I read hear and see. It's like an endless desire for closure. A feeling I know all too well from hardships in the past. The difference is they had real solutions and could be and were resolved. I want these feelings gone as much as all of us want our person returned to us.

I know it's another one of those waves but why do some have to be more intense and painful? I really don't feel time is my friend right now. 😭

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Saturday, July 13, was the one year mark of Veronica’s funeral.  In my mind, now I am beginning to “officially” start year 2 of this journey.  Reading what you all are saying about the second year and beyond, I am trying to get a handle on what I should expect, but it all seems to be an abstract concept to me.  I know it’s not to you, having lived or are living it, but I do understand the second year will bring new emotions and feelings to grapple with.  The thought in my mind that is most pervasive at the moment is I am lost, I don’t know what I am doing without Veronica.  I am used to her absence and I really don’t like this.  But what can I do?  This is what my life is now.  And again and again, I find myself telling Veronica I am sorry for everything.  

[KayC]

One day at a time, try not to get hung up on where you are timeline on this journey, we all know feelings can shift from one day to the next, such is this journey, crying one day, coping the next...it's all hard and seems joyless, that's why I say to look for the LITTLE joys and not compare them to the big joy that was ours before we lost them.  Comparisons are real joy killers.  Rey, I see you as one that tries to build good into your life, giving back even when it's hard, like the work that you do.  It can be a distraction on the harder days.  I think you've even mentioned that.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

The thought in my mind that is most pervasive at the moment is I am lost, I don’t know what I am doing without Veronica.  I am used to her absence and I really don’t like this.  But what can I do?  This is what my life is now.  And again and again, I find myself telling Veronica I am sorry for everything.  

I'm right there Ray with you on your current state of mind (feeling lost). As for your guilt, we all need to remind ourselves that we as caretakers did as best as HUMANELY possible. Also, because we're all grieving here we tend to dwell on the mistakes we made in our marriages, or things we could have handled better; and tending to forget the times when our love for our spouses was shown in so many ways. The fact that these thoughts bother us shows us how much we loved our spouses. So, I guess what I'm saying is that you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts.

[Sar123]

On 7/14/2024 at 7:58 AM, DWS said:

Year 3 has me feeling numb that so much time has passed and that I've lived so many months with so much silence and emptiness.  

Feeling numb- this kind of describes the days where I feel I’m just existing and wonder why I’m still here. I’ve been having a hard time in the evenings again like I did in the beginning. I understand why as explained to me by my grief counselor, but I don’t know why those feelings have returned. I thought I had gotten past that but apparently not

18 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

. I want these feelings gone as much as all of us want our person returned to us.

Me, too!

On 7/13/2024 at 1:47 PM, RichS said:

They say Year 3 for some begins a period where you begin to start your new path in life; along with it's possibilities.

Someone from my grief support said a friend told her year 3 was the worst for him.  We all moaned when we heard that. I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes. 

[KayC]

Remember, everyone's journey is unique. I felt year one was really tough, I was shell shocked, I did not know how to do this!

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Remember, everyone's journey is unique. I felt year one was really tough, I was shell shocked, I did not know how to do this!

None of us do as far as I can tell. I think expressing it is most important. And having a place like this to do that is for many of us, I think, our own self provided therapy. 

[WithoutHer]

3:37am and making no attempt to sleep. My body's tired and my eyes are doing that late night glazing over blur thing as I type. The TV is off, I've had the light off and on several times but sleep is avoiding me even though l will wake with dry mouth when I do I usually get in one and half to three hours between those events. IDK why. I've been a late nighter like windower since this started but this month is becoming one serious whirlwind.

[KayC]

My being an "early morning-er" seems to cross over you late nighters!

This morning my A/C venting fell off, wish I'd have checked it when I notice little sounds that were different, but it was nothing like the last time that was on the other end of the venting.  Had to get up, turn on the light, and fix it.  Then decided my house would be cooler if I opened all the windows and turned on the fans.  Going to be a hot one today!  Upper 90s...now they're predicting T-storms as well!

[WithoutHer]

Today is Vickie's Birthday and that meloncoly has set in deep. She is buried in Alabama and I can't visit her. I don't know I ever will be able to until the day my ashes are spread on her grave. She often shared a saying that her grandfather, who helped raise her, would say. "When you stop moving you stop living". Unfortunately that's exactly what I've done since the day she passed. All my sinus and congestion are bad enough to keep me from being around people but I am also paying the price of not moving. It doesn't matter that I get more than enough protein if you don't use it you lose it. I know Vickie wouldn't want me to be this way but I am lost and overwhelmed in that world of my purpose in life has been completed. I'm here to care for beloved animals as best and as long as I can. As long as I can get around well enough to do the daily requirements, get the mail, haul the trash can to the road etc that's good enough. Yeah it's a day of reflection. Prior to COVID I would be taking her to one of her two Mountain View Diner locations and she would be having whatever she felt like for the day and definitely an order of crab stuffed mushrooms. The memories and conversations lose details but the images and locations of sharing our lives together do not fade.

Vickie I love you with all my heart. Happy 63rd Birthday.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Today is Vickie's Birthday

Today is Chris' birthday as well. Thoughts of her passing through our heads all day long (as always). We're having a mass said for her at our church this evening.

[WithoutHer]

22 minutes ago, RichS said:

Today is Chris' birthday as well. Thoughts of her passing through our heads all day long (as always). We're having a mass said for her at our church this evening.

That's very nice and to have a group celebrating her life.

It's very difficult. I know her daughter would call me today so I emailed, explained I was having a hard time, and shared my post with her. She wrote back understanding and we are going to speak tomorrow. Vickie will be with us when we do. It's nice that her daughter thinks so much of me. I feel she's the only family I have.

[KayC]

Wow, what are the odds of both of your wives sharing a birthday!  wishing them both a heavenly happy birthday.