So tired.....

[HisMunchkin]

I find that I haven't been crying as much or as often these past few days, but I've been feeling extremely tired for weeks.  It feels like I'm carrying around a brick in my chest.  I try to do things that need to be done when I have a bit more energy, but even if it's a small thing (like filling out forms and preparing them for mailing) drains me really fast.  I feel like just vegetating in bed the whole day, but I try hard to avoid that.  Sometimes, I also feel like I need to cry, but can't.  No more tears, just pain that sits there and gnaw at me.....  Think maybe grief can make a person tired?  Do you, or did you feel like this early on in the grieving process?  If so, how did you get through it?  What helped?   

[JonathanFive]

27 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

 No more tears, just pain that sits there and gnaw at me.....  

That's ok...

Grief, like this, I am learning is incredible heartbreak, and we are all allowed to feel the mix of emotions. Wanting to cry, not wanting to cry, blaming ourselves, blaming our spouse, arguing with reality, and drifting toward acceptance only to face the truth and turn around back to the comfort of our heartbreak. It is an exhausting process.

The only thing that seems to get me through this, is that I keep telling myself how, "he doesn't want me to suffer such heartbreak for the what may be decades remaining of my life, and he certainly doesn't want me suffering now in the moment.  He wants me to remember every little moment of amazing love that we got to experience together, and how special that gift was that we gave to each, and how losing such a gift is the cost of being human, and to remember for both of us for rest of my days, until maybe, just maybe, in that great hereafter, whatever that may be, some twist of fate, or universe, or spiritual force, or God, reunites our souls - or perhaps, our souls are already united for all time, bound together through all time, from the moments we shared together here on earth."

It is a question of worldview, and self talk. Forgiveness, love, and compassion.

It is ok to cry, or not cry. I don't think you have to force cry, I am pretty sure it will just happen sooner or later

[rlh]

41 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I find that I haven't been crying as much or as often these past few days, but I've been feeling extremely tired for weeks.  It feels like I'm carrying around a brick in my chest.  I try to do things that need to be done when I have a bit more energy, but even if it's a small thing (like filling out forms and preparing them for mailing) drains me really fast.  I feel like just vegetating in bed the whole day, but I try hard to avoid that.  Sometimes, I also feel like I need to cry, but can't.  No more tears, just pain that sits there and gnaw at me.....  Think maybe grief can make a person tired?  Do you, or did you feel like this early on in the grieving process?  If so, how did you get through it?  What helped?   

I can't give you a "what helped" because I'm squarely in the same boat as you right now (aside from the fact that I've barely been able to cry from the start). I CAN say that most days I wake up exhausted and go to bed nearly 1+ hour earlier than I ever did (and I was already an early-to-bedder). The only reason I don't go to bed earlier is that I need to make sure my kid actually goes to bed at a reasonable time so I usually at least lay in bed in the dark awake until I know his fan is on and lights are out. 

During the day, I spend most of the day on the sofa. A few days I've had enough energy to be at my desk. I've been scheduling myself only 1-3 really necessary tasks each day (and we're talking things like making a call, sending an email, looking up a piece of information that I need to do xyz necessary task). I'm usually entirely wiped after (and a few days I've had to caffeinate just to be awake enough to get my kid after school since the weather has been told cold for me to want him to walk for 20ish minutes).  

Yesterday, I did realize it's been nearly a month that I've hardly been very active and that I probably need to at least try to use the exercise bike a bit a few times a week so I don't get entirely out of shape (I already kinda was...), though with my lack of energy, motivation to do that is nil. 

Each day I'm grateful my boss encouraged me to take leave, because there's no way I would be able to functionally do my job right now. 

 

10 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

he doesn't want me to suffer such heartbreak for the what may be decades remaining of my life, and he certainly doesn't want me suffering now in the moment. 

My doctor said something to this effect today when I was telling her how it's ultimately down to "do I get support or does my son". I think it's the most of cried as I told her about how few social supports I have immediately near me and the stress of feeling like I have to choose to be near my own supports or let my son have his supports and the entire world he's ever known (I am definitely erring toward the latter and holding in as long as I can in the hopes that I can find some way to help build my own supports here...I just have no idea how to even begin that process). 

She used the putting on your own air mask analogy (which...yes I get that it's apt, but I feel like I have heard this one so much lately), and I told her that I just couldn't and that I didn't think my husband would like taking our son away from all his supports. She pointed out "He wouldn't want to see you this miserable, either." And...yes, in my heart of hearts I know that (I remember all too well how he responded the few times he saw me truly feeling miserable about something), but hearing that broke (or maybe helped?) something in me today. 

[JonathanFive]

10 minutes ago, rlh said:

and I told her that I just couldn't and that I didn't think my husband would like taking our son away from all his supports.

You have to ask yourself, and you certaintly do not need to provide answers to me on a public forum.  These questions are for you to ask yourself...

How resiliant is your son? What supports?  Are we talking karate class or behavioral therapy?

You can yank a kid from karate, they can handle that pretty easy.  Behavioral therapy - cannot yank

[HisMunchkin]

51 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

for the what may be decades remaining of my life,

Me too.  And thank you for your reply , JonathanFive! 💝

 

38 minutes ago, rlh said:

I can't give you a "what helped" because I'm squarely in the same boat as you right now (aside from the fact that I've barely been able to cry from the start). I CAN say that most days I wake up exhausted and go to bed nearly 1+ hour earlier than I ever did (and I was already an early-to-bedder). The only reason I don't go to bed earlier is that I need to make sure my kid actually goes to bed at a reasonable time so I usually at least lay in bed in the dark awake until I know his fan is on and lights are out. 

During the day, I spend most of the day on the sofa. A few days I've had enough energy to be at my desk. I've been scheduling myself only 1-3 really necessary tasks each day (and we're talking things like making a call, sending an email, looking up a piece of information that I need to do xyz necessary task). I'm usually entirely wiped after (and a few days I've had to caffeinate just to be awake enough to get my kid after school since the weather has been told cold for me to want him to walk for 20ish minutes).  

Yesterday, I did realize it's been nearly a month that I've hardly been very active and that I probably need to at least try to use the exercise bike a bit a few times a week so I don't get entirely out of shape (I already kinda was...), though with my lack of energy, motivation to do that is nil. 

Each day I'm grateful my boss encouraged me to take leave, because there's no way I would be able to functionally do my job right now. 

 

Thanks for sharing, rlh. 💝  Though it's sad to hear that you're also feeling exhausted, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. 

 

 

46 minutes ago, rlh said:

My doctor said something to this effect today when I was telling her how it's ultimately down to "do I get support or does my son". I think it's the most of cried as I told her about how few social supports I have immediately near me and the stress of feeling like I have to choose to be near my own supports or let my son have his supports and the entire world he's ever known (I am definitely erring toward the latter and holding in as long as I can in the hopes that I can find some way to help build my own supports here...I just have no idea how to even begin that process). 

She used the putting on your own air mask analogy (which...yes I get that it's apt, but I feel like I have heard this one so much lately), and I told her that I just couldn't and that I didn't think my husband would like taking our son away from all his supports. She pointed out "He wouldn't want to see you this miserable, either." And...yes, in my heart of hearts I know that (I remember all too well how he responded the few times he saw me truly feeling miserable about something), but hearing that broke (or maybe helped?) something in me today. 

It's easier for kids to make new friends, though.  They are exposed to a lot of kids his age everyday at school, and kids just seem to naturally get together and form friendships.  They also seem to adapt to new environments easier.  While for adults, it's a bit harder, at least that's what I've found.  So that might be something to think about?  And yes, what JonathanFive said.  Especially about how resilient is your son?  Is he generally pretty strong, emotionally?  How old is he?  How long has he known his friends? 

[rlh]

21 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

You have to ask yourself, and you certaintly do not need to provide answers to me on a public forum.  These questions are for you to ask yourself...

How resiliant is your son? What supports?  Are we talking karate class or behavioral therapy?

You can yank a kid from karate, they can handle that pretty easy.  Behavioral therapy - cannot yank

Oh we're talking all his friends, everyone he knows aside from family. Not that he couldn't be virtually connected via discord, but without seeing his group in person they would certainly drift (like he did from his friends that changed schools).

I'd also be taking him from a large, dense city with public transit where he can be fairly mobile to a sprawling city with made 1/6 the population and no public transit where even walkability is iffy. So it would be a HUGE upheaval for him, moreso than my staying here would be (at least that's how I feel). 

He has seemed fairly resilient this month (almost worryingly so, like he's holding it in), but it's also possible that he's doing well and able to be this resilient because of his supports.

3 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

How old is he?  How long has he known his friends? 

He's a young teen, will start HS next year. He's known most of his friends since 1st grade or kindergarten, and the close friends he "recently" met he's known at least 4 years (so all his connections are mostly pre-pandemic).

[Sar123]

@HisMunchkin I don’t know if this will help you or not, but I think this is a pretty good description of grief. It comes from Dr. Tonkin’s model of grief.

“Imagine drawing a circle to represent yourself. This is you, your life and everything you’re experiencing. Now you shade in the circle to represent your grief.

The result is a circle, almost entirely shaded. This is you and your grief; it may be entirely consuming your life. You may feel unable to eat or sleep, or find yourself struggling to think about anything else.

What happens in the following days, months and years is important. Rather than the shaded area growing smaller, the outer circle (representing you) begins to grow bigger. The result looks somewhat like a fried egg, with the white representing your life and the yolk representing your grief – this is why this model of grief is sometimes referred to as the fried egg model.”

” people tend to believe that grief shrinks over time. What really happens it that we grow around our grief.”

[rlh]

21 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

@HisMunchkin I don’t know if this will help you or not, but I think this is a pretty good description of grief. It comes from Dr. Tonkin’s model of grief.

“Imagine drawing a circle to represent yourself. This is you, your life and everything you’re experiencing. Now you shade in the circle to represent your grief.

The result is a circle, almost entirely shaded. This is you and your grief; it may be entirely consuming your life. You may feel unable to eat or sleep, or find yourself struggling to think about anything else.

What happens in the following days, months and years is important. Rather than the shaded area growing smaller, the outer circle (representing you) begins to grow bigger. The result looks somewhat like a fried egg, with the white representing your life and the yolk representing your grief – this is why this model of grief is sometimes referred to as the fried egg model.”

” people tend to believe that grief shrinks over time. What really happens it that we grow around our grief.”

This reminds me of this great short I saw the other day:

https://youtube.com/shorts/UoUDhJ1DCXg?si=0oYwBnoVTcn8R1Dn

[JonathanFive]

Actually, I chose to erase whatever was previously written here before.  I'm in early grieving, I don't really know anything myself. Not sure why I keep giving advice...

"Duh," its easier than facing my own pain and suffering.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Think maybe grief can make a person tired?

Yes!  Being a loss survivor alone is enough to wear us out.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, rlh said:

This reminds me of this great short I saw the other day:

https://youtube.com/shorts/UoUDhJ1DCXg?si=0oYwBnoVTcn8R1Dn

It only showed a second and then went into something else so didn't get to hear her.

[rlh]

23 minutes ago, KayC said:

It only showed a second and then went into something else so didn't get to hear her.

Weird. I just clicked and it took me to the start. Trying with a new link, but if that doesn't work, it's a short called "What Nobody Tells You About Grief and Loss" on @drjulie's channel

https://youtube.com/shorts/UoUDhJ1DCXg?si=WpWLuIMbrEerR5Kp

 

[DWS]

15 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Think maybe grief can make a person tired?  Do you, or did you feel like this early on in the grieving process?  If so, how did you get through it?  What helped?   

Grief is destined to make us tired...particularly in those crucial first few months. As my therapist told me, grief can mess up our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and that could then lead to health issues. I certainly learned that firsthand and have had an interest ever since in how our bodies are affected during this horrible time. It's one of my biggest concerns for everyone on here and highly recommend that their doctors be informed of the loss. 

The wonderful folks at What's Your Grief have a good article on tiredness...

https://whatsyourgrief.com/does-grief-make-you-tired/

Here is a very scientific delve into grief and our physicality. In it..."It appears that cortisol remains elevated for at least the first 6 months of bereavement." 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3384441/

[KayC]

Grief Exhaustion tiredness

[KayC]

5 hours ago, rlh said:

Weird. I just clicked and it took me to the start.

Did it again.

[HisMunchkin]

23 hours ago, rlh said:

He's a young teen, will start HS next year. He's known most of his friends since 1st grade or kindergarten, and the close friends he "recently" met he's known at least 4 years (so all his connections are mostly pre-pandemic).

Ah, o.k.  That is quite a long time.  Have you befriended any of his friends' parents?  Neighbors?  Co-workers? 

 

21 hours ago, Sar123 said:

@HisMunchkin I don’t know if this will help you or not, but I think this is a pretty good description of grief. It comes from Dr. Tonkin’s model of grief.

“Imagine drawing a circle to represent yourself. This is you, your life and everything you’re experiencing. Now you shade in the circle to represent your grief.

The result is a circle, almost entirely shaded. This is you and your grief; it may be entirely consuming your life. You may feel unable to eat or sleep, or find yourself struggling to think about anything else.

What happens in the following days, months and years is important. Rather than the shaded area growing smaller, the outer circle (representing you) begins to grow bigger. The result looks somewhat like a fried egg, with the white representing your life and the yolk representing your grief – this is why this model of grief is sometimes referred to as the fried egg model.”

” people tend to believe that grief shrinks over time. What really happens it that we grow around our grief.”

That's a nice analogy.  Thanks for sharing. 💝

 

10 hours ago, DWS said:

Grief is destined to make us tired...particularly in those crucial first few months. As my therapist told me, grief can mess up our cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and that could then lead to health issues. I certainly learned that firsthand and have had an interest ever since in how our bodies are affected during this horrible time. It's one of my biggest concerns for everyone on here and highly recommend that their doctors be informed of the loss. 

The wonderful folks at What's Your Grief have a good article on tiredness...

https://whatsyourgrief.com/does-grief-make-you-tired/

Here is a very scientific delve into grief and our physicality. In it..."It appears that cortisol remains elevated for at least the first 6 months of bereavement." 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3384441/

Thanks for the links!  I think these might apply to me:

feeling numb or grief fog, can make you feel exhausted.

Early on in your grief, it may seem like new and painful reminders are everywhere. Learning how to handle grief triggers takes practice and patience. And worrying what fright might be waiting for you around the next corner can leave you in a constant state of fear (i.e., hypervigilance).

We've written about stress in grief in the past, and suffice it to say, it's a big topic. Stress puts an enormous tax on the body, and, unfortunately, there is a better than good chance that your loss has created more stress in your life. If you're facing chronic stress that can't necessarily be overcome (like grief), your mental, emotional, and physical resources may quickly become depleted.

 

That's an interesting site.  Will explore more later.  Thank you for sharing! 💝  As for the study, I think elevated cortisol probably explains, in part, why I have been experiencing morning anxiety.  And my blood pressure and heart rate did go up for several days at the beginning.  I also had a lip cold sore flare up (sorry if that's TMI) the very next day after my husband's death.  Same thing happened after my dog of 16 years passed away over a decade ago.  I think my immune system gets compromised somehow.

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Grief Exhaustion tiredness

Thanks for the link! 💝  That sounds exactly like me. 

 

My goodness, look what our bodies are going through?! 😨 

[rlh]

Just now, HisMunchkin said:

Ah, o.k.  That is quite a long time.  Have you befriended any of his friends' parents?  Neighbors?  Co-workers? 

Short answer: I have a lot of really nice and thoughtful acquaintances in the area, but no-one that I feel close enough to to be emotional support or to ask to jist be company. (Additional challenge is I have social anxiety so making new/ deeper connections is difficult)

Longer answer:  None that I'd consider friends in the sense that I'd feel comfortable talking to them about anything serious or asking directly for help or company. 

Our neighbors are lovely and brought over food this month, we talk when we both happen to be outside, but nothing in depth. 

Same with his friends' parents. There are a few of his friends' families that I would feel comfortable asking for help in a pinch, but we don't really spend time together (when the kids were younger sometimes we'd chat while kids played on the playground after school, but that was pre-pandemic and my husband was usually the drop off/pick up person so they knew him better).

Co-workers- all lovely, and my boss checked in with me the whole hellish week my husband was in the hospital, and has checked in a few times while I've been on leave. A few coworkers have texted, and many came to the service specifically to support me (few of them had met my husband and only knew of him through my stories) But we don't spend time together outside work hours, so they are people I can reach out to in a pinch if I need something, but don't feel close enough to be people I can talk to about hard things.

Husband and I were homebodies and the friends we had locally moved away years ago. One close friend moved out of the country, others are on the complete opposite coast. 

[JonathanFive]

33 minutes ago, rlh said:

Husband and I were homebodies 

I think it's really common for married couples to kind of, "fall into their own little world together."  I think this is why, "lost a partner," is such a hard grief. We were in our own little world too...

[rlh]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

My goodness, look what our bodies are going through?! 😨 

I was just watching this this evening which was interesting  about ways that grief physically impacts us (cortisol levels seem to be a key player in some of these)

Video: the physical symptoms of grief

Posted by Lewis Psychology 

https://youtu.be/tFf3cRT4lnk?si=s-3vMjH4qJIJ_1PD

[HisMunchkin]

41 minutes ago, rlh said:

Short answer: I have a lot of really nice and thoughtful acquaintances in the area, but no-one that I feel close enough to to be emotional support or to ask to jist be company. (Additional challenge is I have social anxiety so making new/ deeper connections is difficult)

Sorry to hear that you have social anxiety. ☹️  I don't know if I do, but I am shy and tend to keep my distance.  I'm very introverted.  My husband was all the company that I had needed.  So, I understand.  I do have family, so that's a blessing.  But I don't have any close friends nearby, and I don't go out much, so I know how you feel. 

 

45 minutes ago, rlh said:

There are a few of his friends' families that I would feel comfortable asking for help in a pinch,

That's good!

 

46 minutes ago, rlh said:

Co-workers- all lovely, and my boss checked in with me the whole hellish week my husband was in the hospital, and has checked in a few times while I've been on leave. A few coworkers have texted, and many came to the service specifically to support me (few of them had met my husband and only knew of him through my stories) But we don't spend time together outside work hours, so they are people I can reach out to in a pinch if I need something, but don't feel close enough to be people I can talk to about hard things.

Do you want to start going out with them more?  Start establishing a friendship for the future, even though you don't feel close to them now?

 

13 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I think it's really common for married couples to kind of, "fall into their own little world together."  I think this is why, "lost a partner," is such a hard grief. We were in our own little world too...

I completely agree!

[rlh]

2 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do you want to start going out with them more?  Start establishing a friendship for the future, even though you don't feel close to them now?

Most of them live a considerable distance from me (like 30+ min away), the two that live in my city are younger than me by probably 15-20 years so in a very different life stage. Aside from work, I don't have a lot in common with most of my coworkers as my husband and I are major comic/anime/d&d/video game nerds. (something I have in common with my brother who lives abt 2 hrs away with my mom, and with the friends that lived here but moved away). 

After I'm in therapy a bit I'm hoping I might feel ready to do a grief group or something and make some connections (I've also started on an anti-anxiety/ anti-depressant that my doc thinks might help a bit with the underlying anxiety). The only.thing with the grief group is that I do worry there won't be a lot of chance to connect with others near my age since I'm in my early 40s and my husband was just on his mid-40s. 

[widower2]

On 1/25/2024 at 5:38 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Think maybe grief can make a person tired?  Do you, or did you feel like this early on in the grieving process?  If so, how did you get through it?  What helped?   

I don't think it, I know it. It's one of the most draining things imaginable on a wide variety of fronts. I'm sorry, I don't really have any great advice about how to deal with it offhand other than taking it a day at a time and trying to get as much rest as possible (also a strong cup of coffee in the morning doesn't hurt). 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I don't think it, I know it. It's one of the most draining things imaginable on a wide variety of fronts. I'm sorry, I don't really have any great advice about how to deal with it offhand other than taking it a day at a time and trying to get as much rest as possible (also a strong cup of coffee in the morning doesn't hurt). 

I agee...

[DWS]

12 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

My goodness, look what our bodies are going through?! 😨 

 

11 hours ago, rlh said:

I was just watching this this evening which was interesting  about ways that grief physically impacts us (cortisol levels seem to be a key player in some of these)

Video: the physical symptoms of grief

Posted by Lewis Psychology 

https://youtu.be/tFf3cRT4lnk?si=s-3vMjH4qJIJ_1PD

I found that understanding the physical impact of grief can have on my body actually helped me on this journey. It "legitimized" this horrible time of my grief and sadness. After a few weeks have passed after our loss occurred, we find that society and ourselves place pressure on us to get on with things. We feel that pressure, we struggle with it, and we fight with it....and with good reason. But this isn't just some minor blip in our lives. It's the most crucial thing to ever happen to us. Knowing that there is a physical component to what's going on inside of us rather than just the emotional and mental ones makes us more cautious and caring of ourselves. Just knowing that my immune system was all buggered up because of the  loss of my partner empowered me and my grief and that was important in a world that still thinks we magically move on after a few weeks. 

[HisMunchkin]

16 hours ago, rlh said:

my husband and I are major comic/anime/d&d/video game nerds.

Have you played The Sims (1,2,3, or 4)? 

 

16 hours ago, rlh said:

After I'm in therapy a bit I'm hoping I might feel ready to do a grief group or something and make some connections (I've also started on an anti-anxiety/ anti-depressant that my doc thinks might help a bit with the underlying anxiety). The only.thing with the grief group is that I do worry there won't be a lot of chance to connect with others near my age since I'm in my early 40s and my husband was just on his mid-40s. 

Maybe there will be people there who are in your age range who are there because they lost a parent or grandparent or something like that? 

 

5 hours ago, DWS said:

I found that understanding the physical impact of grief can have on my body actually helped me on this journey. It "legitimized" this horrible time of my grief and sadness. After a few weeks have passed after our loss occurred, we find that society and ourselves place pressure on us to get on with things. We feel that pressure, we struggle with it, and we fight with it....and with good reason. But this isn't just some minor blip in our lives. It's the most crucial thing to ever happen to us. Knowing that there is a physical component to what's going on inside of us rather than just the emotional and mental ones makes us more cautious and caring of ourselves. Just knowing that my immune system was all buggered up because of the  loss of my partner empowered me and my grief and that was important in a world that still thinks we magically move on after a few weeks. 

I didn't think to look at it that way.  Great perspective!  You are right!  Thank you for sharing. 💝

 

[widower2]

16 hours ago, rlh said:

The only.thing with the grief group is that I do worry there won't be a lot of chance to connect with others near my age since I'm in my early 40s and my husband was just on his mid-40s. 

I only have my examples to go on, but when I tried them, there were people of various ages. In fact, roughly middle-aged people were the most common.

[rlh]

42 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Have you played The Sims (1,2,3, or 4)? 

I've played 1,2 and 3. 2 and its expansions was my favorite. 

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, rlh said:

I've played 1,2 and 3. 2 and its expansions was my favorite. 

Mine too! 😆💕

[HisMunchkin]

And so the roller coaster ride continues....  Last night and today - lots of crying again.  Mostly missing my husband.  I guess feeling the grief and letting the tears flow is what my mind and body needs right now.   

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/25/2024 at 6:34 PM, rlh said:

I can't give you a "what helped" because I'm squarely in the same boat as you right now (aside from the fact that I've barely been able to cry from the start). I CAN say that most days I wake up exhausted and go to bed nearly 1+ hour earlier than I ever did (and I was already an early-to-bedder). The only reason I don't go to bed earlier is that I need to make sure my kid actually goes to bed at a reasonable time so I usually at least lay in bed in the dark awake until I know his fan is on and lights are out. 

During the day, I spend most of the day on the sofa. A few days I've had enough energy to be at my desk. I've been scheduling myself only 1-3 really necessary tasks each day (and we're talking things like making a call, sending an email, looking up a piece of information that I need to do xyz necessary task). I'm usually entirely wiped after (and a few days I've had to caffeinate just to be awake enough to get my kid after school since the weather has been told cold for me to want him to walk for 20ish minutes).  

Yesterday, I did realize it's been nearly a month that I've hardly been very active and that I probably need to at least try to use the exercise bike a bit a few times a week so I don't get entirely out of shape (I already kinda was...), though with my lack of energy, motivation to do that is nil. 

Each day I'm grateful my boss encouraged me to take leave, because there's no way I would be able to functionally do my job right now. 

 

My doctor said something to this effect today when I was telling her how it's ultimately down to "do I get support or does my son". I think it's the most of cried as I told her about how few social supports I have immediately near me and the stress of feeling like I have to choose to be near my own supports or let my son have his supports and the entire world he's ever known (I am definitely erring toward the latter and holding in as long as I can in the hopes that I can find some way to help build my own supports here...I just have no idea how to even begin that process). 

She used the putting on your own air mask analogy (which...yes I get that it's apt, but I feel like I have heard this one so much lately), and I told her that I just couldn't and that I didn't think my husband would like taking our son away from all his supports. She pointed out "He wouldn't want to see you this miserable, either." And...yes, in my heart of hearts I know that (I remember all too well how he responded the few times he saw me truly feeling miserable about something), but hearing that broke (or maybe helped?) something in me today. 

I commend you for raising your son by yourself. Being a single parent is very hard but rewarding at the same time. You are very fortunate to have had your boss tell you to take leave from your job cuz most employers want you back on the job within 1 week after losing your spouse.

I can relate to you laying on your sofa most of the day cuz I lay in my bed most of the day.  I don’t exercise and am told that I should cuz it keeps you in shape and it is good for your heart.  As far as supports for yourself and your son, have you considered online support?  It’s virtual support sessions you can do from the comfort of your own home. 

[7779311]

I think grief oscillation is normal. It takes a lot of energy to try to achieve some semblance of what used to be a normal existence. And then you need to re-charge, and re-charging can look very different for everyone. Mind and body never work independently. I try to give into my oscillations as much as I can afford, without completely neglecting other essential obligations. I figure that, so long as I don't remain in one state for too long, I'm probably working through what I need to work through in the way that I need to work through it. I'm not really sure what "too long" is, but I don't think I've experienced that yet. Accepting the process is hard, but I feel like fighting the process would be even harder. So that's my two cents - accept the process but also be mindful of where your edges are so you don't fall off any of them. I have also been reading Resilient Grieving by Dr. Lucy Hone. I highly recommend it. I got it from my local library, but I'm sure it's on Amazon, etc. She lost her daughter suddenly to a car accident, but there was nothing in the difference in my sudden loss (spouse) that I found unrelatable to the text. One breath, one hour, one day at a time.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/27/2024 at 1:56 PM, widower2 said:

I only have my examples to go on, but when I tried them, there were people of various ages. In fact, roughly middle-aged people were the most common.

I have encountered widows in my online grief group who range in age from 54 years old to 72 years old. Haven’t seen any widows in my age bracket which is 55 years old.

[rlh]

1 minute ago, Griefsucks810 said:

As far as supports for yourself and your son, have you considered online support?  It’s virtual support sessions you can do from the comfort of your own home. 

I work medical field adjacent - so am familiar with telehealth (it's actually how I've been meeting with my PCP). 

My son is tech savvy,  so I thought he would prefer it, but he has a strong preference for in person (and I'm frankly surprised that he was open to counseling at all). 

For me, I have one potential in person option I found Friday that I'm waiting to hear more on tomorrow. I feel that in person would work much better for me from both an ability to focus perspective and because if forces me out of the house, but have resigned myself to the fact that if this one falls through I'll have to do therapy via telehealth.

[JonathanFive]

16 minutes ago, 7779311 said:

I have also been reading Resilient Grieving by Dr. Lucy Hone. I highly recommend it. I got it from my local library, but I'm sure it's on Amazon, etc. She lost her daughter suddenly to a car accident, but there was nothing in the difference in my sudden loss (spouse) that I found unrelatable to the text. One breath, one hour, one day at a time.

I think you can also look at grief from the perspective of humanistic psychology.  Loss impacts self-actualization...  "Here we are on the planet, with our loved ones - our loved ones support our hierarchy of needs."  When we lose a loved one, it is like a stone of the pyramid being pulled out from below.  Our hierarchy of needs is affected.  Now we need to self-actualize with the loss

Edited January 28 by JonathanFive
clarity

[JonathanFive]

7 minutes ago, rlh said:

but have resigned myself to the fact that if this one falls through I'll have to do therapy via telehealth.

Ymmv??

I like the compassion hotline - it helped me in the first month or so.  I haven't been calling lately, don't have much to talk about I guess.

I also tried telehealth with a LMHC, I found on my aetna list of providers under the specialty of grief.  Not good.

 

It needs to be a counselor - preferably somebody with a PhD or PsyD that really knows what they are talking about

 

[Griefsucks810]

13 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I think you can also look at grief from the perspective of humanistic psychology.  Loss impacts self-actualization...  Here we are, on the planet, with our loved ones - our loved ones support our hierarchy of needs, when we lose a loved one, it's like a stone of the pyramid being pulled out from below.  Our hierarchy of needs is gets affected.  Now we need to self actualize with the loss

I hear ya that loss impacts self actualization.  One minute we are with our spouses living life who support our needs and then in an instant our spouse dies and our world as we know it crumbles from underneath us. It took me years to self- actualize the loss of my husband.  It’s an ugly reality that we have no choice but to move forward and build a new life for ourselves. 

[JonathanFive]

I'm very much trying to do, what I know he wanted me to do.  I do not, "know," how much sense that makes, but it makes sense to me...

I don't know if that helps, or not

[Griefsucks810]

9 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Ymmv??

I like the compassion hotline - it helped me in the first month or so.  I haven't been calling lately, don't have much to talk about I guess.

I also tried telehealth with a LMHC, I found on my aetna list of providers under the specialty of grief.  Not good.

 

It needs to be a counselor - preferably somebody with a PhD or PsyD that really knows what they are talking about

 

Never heard of the compassion hotline; is it a toll free number or is it just for the area you live in?  

I’ve done online research to find a grief counselor where I live and no luck finding one. There are only counselors and therapists to talk to and they don’t specialize in grief counseling so they can’t provide us with any insight as to how we can/should be able to overcome our grief and how to rebuild our lives. 

[JonathanFive]

10 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Never heard of the compassion hotline; is it a toll free number or is it just for the area you live in?  

A brochure on the compassion hotline was given to me by the cremation provider.   It is only available up to one year since the date of death - so those of use who have been grieving for more than 1 year may not qualify - although I would certainly call and see.

Rather than post an image of a brochure on this website, I will keep the responsibility for disseminating the info on me, and you/anybody can download an image of the brochure from my google drive https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uTFo5kFrBn05Ak_eD5FcVDB5jTJf3OU_/view?usp=sharing

 

Also, I live in South Florida... 

Edited January 28 by JonathanFive
clarity

[Griefsucks810]

32 minutes ago, rlh said:

I work medical field adjacent - so am familiar with telehealth (it's actually how I've been meeting with my PCP). 

My son is tech savvy,  so I thought he would prefer it, but he has a strong preference for in person (and I'm frankly surprised that he was open to counseling at all). 

For me, I have one potential in person option I found Friday that I'm waiting to hear more on tomorrow. I feel that in person would work much better for me from both an ability to focus perspective and because if forces me out of the house, but have resigned myself to the fact that if this one falls through I'll have to do therapy via telehealth.

If there aren’t any in-person support services in your local area for you and your son, then your only option is do therapy via telehealth.  I understand that you would prefer in person therapy for the reasons you mentioned above but if push comes to shove would you be willing to travel outside your local area if in-person therapy was available far away from your home? 

[Griefsucks810]

Just now, JonathanFive said:

A brochure on the compassion hotline was given to me by the cremation provider.   It is only available up to one year since the date of death - so those of use who have been grieving for more than 1 year may not qualify - although I would certainly call and see.

Rather than post an image of a brochure on this website, I will keep the responsibility for disseminating the info on me, and you can download an image of the brochure from my google drive https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uTFo5kFrBn05Ak_eD5FcVDB5jTJf3OU_/view?usp=sharing

Oh wow! I also had my spouse cremated and they did not provide me with anything other than the cremation documents I needed to keep for my records. Maybe the cremation providers in my home state don’t offer post grief hotlines for grieving people to call.  Thanks for providing me the link - I’ll check it out. 

[rlh]

Just now, Griefsucks810 said:

If there aren’t any in-person support services in your local area for you and your son, then your only option is do therapy via telehealth.  I understand that you would prefer in person therapy for the reasons you mentioned above but if push comes to shove would you be willing to travel outside your local area if in-person therapy was available far away from your home? 

As mentioned mentioned above, I plan to do telehealth if my one last connection falls through (I have a call abt in person Services for my son later this week. I have one final resource I can check with for him after that). However, since I know myself and I have already had appts with my doctor (and one session with my work's staff office), I do feel that telehealth won't be as effective for me as in person (though yes, better than nothing which is why I'm willing to pivot if this last one falls through) 

I'm already looking within an area that is up to 45 min drive in light traffic. Since it would be easily over an hour with traffic (and I live near a major city so that's likely), I can't really look further out and hope to keep appts when I'm back to work or impacting son's school schedule. I've made a number of calls, and my work's support office also has tried to help; its just that a lot never pivoted back to in person post covid, so the ones that are are just really booked and many have waitlists.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/27/2024 at 8:26 AM, DWS said:

 

I found that understanding the physical impact of grief can have on my body actually helped me on this journey. It "legitimized" this horrible time of my grief and sadness. After a few weeks have passed after our loss occurred, we find that society and ourselves place pressure on us to get on with things. We feel that pressure, we struggle with it, and we fight with it....and with good reason. But this isn't just some minor blip in our lives. It's the most crucial thing to ever happen to us. Knowing that there is a physical component to what's going on inside of us rather than just the emotional and mental ones makes us more cautious and caring of ourselves. Just knowing that my immune system was all buggered up because of the  loss of my partner empowered me and my grief and that was important in a world that still thinks we magically move on after a few weeks. 

I too have just learned that grief can cause our bodies to become physically sick and widows/widowers who are grieving are at risk for contracting diabetes, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular disease.

Since I’m already pre-diabetic and have a high cholesterol count, I scheduled a telehealth appointment with a nutritionist so he/she can teach me how to eat healthier and provide me with a list of the foods and vegetables I should eat which will also help lower my blood sugar and my high cholesterol. I don’t wanna contract full blown diabetes and cardiovascular disease later on in life.  Changing my habits now will prevent me from contacting diabetes and cardiovascular disease and my physical health will be significantly improved.  Im also gonna ask my pcp for a referral to see a cardiologist so I can get my heart and coroid arteries check out cuz it’s been 3 or 4 years since I seen a cardiologist and I was good to go - everything normal at my last visit. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I have encountered widows in my online grief group who range in age from 54 years old to 72 years old. Haven’t seen any widows in my age bracket which is 55 years old.

I was 52 when I lost my husband, he'd just turned 51 five days before.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I don’t wanna contract full blown diabetes

I'm an administrator of an international diabetic group online, cut out all sugar, white flour, pasta.  Here is one of our charts:  My insulin resistance (Triglyceries/HDL) started at 5.1 and is now .86, they recommend 1.5 or less, some 2 or less.

[HisMunchkin]

4 hours ago, 7779311 said:

I try to give into my oscillations as much as I can afford, without completely neglecting other essential obligations.

That's what I'm trying to do too.  "Go with the flow", so to speak.

 

4 hours ago, 7779311 said:

I have also been reading Resilient Grieving by Dr. Lucy Hone.

I want to read that book in ebook form, borrowing from my library.  But it's a 14 week wait, so I have C.S. Lewis' book lined up for borrowing for now.  I have watched Hone on Youtube.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw&t=9s 

 

[Griefsucks810]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm an administrator of an international diabetic group online, cut out all sugar, white flour, pasta.  Here is one of our charts:  My insulin resistance (Triglyceries/HDL) started at 5.1 and is now .86, they recommend 1.5 or less, some 2 or less.

I’m overdue to have my insulin resistance level checked.  Thanks for providing a copy of the Diabetes Type II food list. 

[Griefsucks810]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

That's what I'm trying to do too.  "Go with the flow", so to speak.

 

I want to read that book in ebook form, borrowing from my library.  But it's a 14 week wait, so I have C.S. Lewis' book lined up for borrowing for now.  I have watched Hone on Youtube.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw&t=9s 

 

Wow! A 14 week wait for that book is long! It must be popular by demand. 

[Griefsucks810]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I was 52 when I lost my husband, he'd just turned 51 five days before.

I was 51 when my husband died; he was 57.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/27/2024 at 8:26 AM, DWS said:

 

I found that understanding the physical impact of grief can have on my body actually helped me on this journey. It "legitimized" this horrible time of my grief and sadness. After a few weeks have passed after our loss occurred, we find that society and ourselves place pressure on us to get on with things. We feel that pressure, we struggle with it, and we fight with it....and with good reason. But this isn't just some minor blip in our lives. It's the most crucial thing to ever happen to us. Knowing that there is a physical component to what's going on inside of us rather than just the emotional and mental ones makes us more cautious and caring of ourselves. Just knowing that my immune system was all buggered up because of the  loss of my partner empowered me and my grief and that was important in a world that still thinks we magically move on after a few weeks. 

Non widows/widowers don’t have any idea that the loss of our spouse has a profound effect on our emotional and mental state of mind cuz life the way we knew it was pulled out from underneath us. We are left to pick up the pieces and build a new life for ourselves which can take months or years to accomplish.

 I just learned that grief can make our bodies physically sick with health ailments we never had prior to the death of our spouse.  From what I have read online, grief can cause a person to have diabetes, high cholesterol and cardiovascular disease. This scares me cuz I’m already pre-diabetic and my cholesterol is high. I took a preventive measure by scheduling a telehealth session with a nutritionist who can teach me how to eat healthier and provide me with a list of the foods and vegetables I can eat and which foods and vegetables I should avoid.  I hope that by eating healthier foods and vegetables will reduce my insulin resistance level and lower my cholesterol too. I’m also gonna ask my pcp to give me a referral to be seen and evaluated by a cardiologist to have my heart and coroid arteries checked cuz cardiovascular disease runs on my mom’s side of the family.  I rather be safe than sorry cuz I wanna live a healthy and long life.