Lost my person

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Somehow, I crawled my way out of my depression.   In 6 months I could really feel that I was getting better. Not happy exactly, but no longer hoping to die. GMy life will never be like it was when my sweetie was by my side.  But I do have a good life now.  Not as joyful, exciting, or as comfortably contented as it was, but it is good. I have some  joy filled days and some quiet days.  I still feel him here with me and I share with him all that is happening.  I can live this life.

Gail:  You're definitely further along in your grief journey than me. Then I saw that you had over 5 years more experience than me. Still, I admire you for all of the efforts you mentioned. Like you, I get up everyday and function as well. I'm still very much "going through the motions" these days with not much joy that I can grasp or appreciate enough. I guess I need more time. At times I'll read some grieving articles that say at 12-18 months, you should start seeing some changes for the better in your outlook on life. These estimates annoy me; because we're all individuals dealing with this. This is not some standardized test that we take that will tell us where we fall on a grading scale. I guess the best strategy is to ignore the estimators and continue to  focus on one day at a time and try not to try to figure out when in the future I'll start feeling better about this journey of mine.

 

[Griefsucks810]

4 hours ago, RichS said:

MY ADVICE IS:  Keep in touch with the helpful, kind folks on this board, every day. We help each other get through each and every day......................

Thank you for your advice as I am taking it. 

[JonathanFive]

28 minutes ago, RichS said:

 At times I'll read some grieving articles that say at 12-18 months, you should start seeing some changes for the better in your outlook on life. These estimates annoy me; because we're all individuals dealing with this.

That's like, "the median time according to surveys," and likely extremely flawed...   Cause people answer survey questions on grief, with an inherent bias, based on how well they think they should be coping.

I imagine - it changes, it evolves, but it never goes away.  Not if it's your soulmate who you've lost.  Maybe in 18 months I wont be crying everday but -

I have this thought in my head lately, "not much in life really matters to me anymore, since I'd be doing it without him with me."  

Which, if I were to self analyze, based on my undergraduate psyche studies, I would say to myself, "obvious sign of depression related to grief."  That may lift eventually, and I may again assume an interest in doing things.

But, "always loving, always longing for, always missing, always wondering if our souls will reuinite somehow in the great hereafter."   That wont leave me till the day I die.

[Griefsucks810]

24 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

That's like, "the median time according to surveys," and likely extremely flawed...   Cause people answer survey questions on grief, with an inherent bias, based on how well they think they should be coping.

I imagine - it changes, it evolves, but it never goes away.  Not if it's your soulmate who you've lost.  Maybe in 18 months I wont be crying everday but -

I have this thought in my head lately, "not much in life really matters to me anymore, since I'd be doing it without him with me."  

Which, if I were to self analyze, based on my undergraduate psyche studies, I would say to myself, "obvious sign of depression related to grief."  That may lift eventually, and I may again assume an interest in doing things.

But, "always loving, always longing for, always missing, always wondering if our souls will reuinite somehow in the great hereafter."   That wont leave me till the day I die.

This grief journey is a roller coaster filled with emotional and mental turmoil. All of my negative thoughts, emotions and  feelings, the sleepless nights I’m having, the junk food and microwave meals I’m eating, my high “bad” cholesterol level and the intensity of my depression all stems from my body and mind becoming sick from grief.  I’m not gonna allow my grief to kill my mindset and ruin my physical health any longer cuz I want to live a happy and healthy lifestyle and live to be 90-100 yo. 
 

I want to have positive thoughts, emotions and feelings which will bring happiness and joy into my life; I wanna be able to fall asleep and stay asleep thru the night; that I’ll eat healthy foods and vegetables which will lower my cholesterol level and at the same time maintain a healthy heart, and to exercise daily.  Everything I have listed above so I can have structure in my life is gonna take a lot of hard work, courage and effort on my part. 

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Thank you SO much for sharing your healing journey, especially how you did it, Gail!  It inspires a lot of hope for me that I, too, will eventually crawl out of my current state.  I hope you'll continue to find new interests and joys in life.  *Big Hugs* to you. 💝

Gail,  I admire your strength, courage and your determination to stay busy and active each day and you didn’t let your grief consume you.  Glad that you have enjoyment by volunteering.  How did you know what you wanted to volunteer for?  You have shown me that there is hope for me that I’ll get out of this rutt and find new interests and joys in life. 

[Sar123]

5 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I have this thought in my head lately, "not much in life really matters to me anymore, since I'd be doing it without him with me."  

I have felt like this in the past year. What’s the point of life without him? He did get to see our 5 month old grandson for the first and only time, but he was so sick at the time he didn’t get to enjoy him at all. It’s not the same being a grandma without him- he would have been such a fun grandpa too. We had planned to travel in our retirement years, but we didn’t get the chance. I have no desire to travel without him. Our kids live far away too- one in another country and the other 400 miles away. I have my days where I can’t find any reasons to continue on without him, but those days are few and far between I’m still in the process of finding my way in this new way of life, but it hasn’t been easy. 

[Gail 8588]

7 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

. . .  How did you know what you wanted to volunteer for?  

I think you just have to volunteer  to do something you would like to do.   

My sister in law, also a widow,  volunteers to rock and sooth babies in the NICU,  I thought of being a tutor at an elementary school helping kids learn to read, or help out at an animal shelter walking dogs, petting kittens to help socialize them.  A widow friend loves being a docent at a small State park.  Libraries and museums  always need volunteers. I have friends who enjoy volunteering at local music venues and at the community orchestra  or theater,  with the benefit of getting to see the performances for free.

I chose to volunteer with 2 groups that promote environmental work.  One supporting a river John and I both love, but I no longer live near. So my participation is mostly by zoom and by writing letters in support of the river. The other organization is more involved in how to help the environment  in an urban setting.  Promoting reduce, recycle, reuse. Trash pick up events near lakes and streams. Encouraging community gardens and buy local campaigns. Next Saturday I'll  be planting trees. That sort of stuff.  That is the organization I am now on the board.  

Just pick something that you would feel good about doing.  I recommend you don't over commit yourself at the beginning.  Just try a little bit and see how it goes.   You don't  want to feel like a failure because you volunteered to do too much and then couldn't  do it all.  Small steps.

[Gail 8588]

@Sar123  

For more than 3 years when people who actually knew John would ask 'How are you doing?'  I would respond ' I just haven't  figured out how to live without him yet.'

It was well into my 4th year before I was able to change my response to 'I'm  beginning to figure out how to live without him.' 

At 7 years, I am finally doing okay. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Next Saturday I'll  be planting trees.

Gail, I applaud what you do!  It's so important to get involved with something we care about.  Extending beyond ourselves.  Some of you are still working, but esp. when you're retired it's essential we do this.  Volunteer with a rescue, helping with kids, delivering groceries to elderly, giving rides, wherever your heart is, find something!

[RichS]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

For more than 3 years when people who actually knew John would ask 'How are you doing?'  I would respond ' I just haven't  figured out how to live without him yet.'It was well into my 4th year before I was able to change my response to 'I'm  beginning to figure out how to live without him.' At 7 years, I am finally doing okay. 

I think I may be following your pattern; at least up to this point (17 months). I need more time to figure out where I'm headed with my life.

Lately I've been feeling tired and a little overwhelmed. As everyone here knows, grief combined with family responsibilities PLUS things in our lives that pop up (that need our attention right away) can drain us. It's forcing me to be a little more kinder to myself (resting a little more, allowing "alone time" for myself, putting off some chores that I'm too tired to handle at the moment, etc.

[DWS]

18 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

This grief journey is a roller coaster filled with emotional and mental turmoil. All of my negative thoughts, emotions and  feelings, the sleepless nights I’m having, the junk food and microwave meals I’m eating, my high “bad” cholesterol level and the intensity of my depression all stems from my body and mind becoming sick from grief.  I’m not gonna allow my grief to kill my mindset and ruin my physical health any longer cuz I want to live a happy and healthy lifestyle and live to be 90-100 yo. 

This would be a good and somewhat easier step towards the change that you're wanting. When I was in my mid-30s (two and half decades ago, yikes!), I hit a wall of defeat and disappointment. It wasn't quite "mid-life" crisis but it was a very dark space I was in. I started reading many self-help books at the time and one that really helped me out of that terrible slump was the book "Fit For Life". Eating healthy started to finally make sense to me back then. 

Up to that point in my life, I relied on others to feed me. After the years growing up with my mom's cooking, I had spent most of my adult life with two different partners who were the cooks and, of course, fast food too. But in my depressed state, I was now alone and saw that it was up to me for self-care. So I not only taught myself how to cook but saw the reasons for choosing healthy foods...putting the right fuel into my body. Since that awakening, I have loved cooking and preparing my meals every day of the week because I view it as my valiant act of self-loving. Slicing up vegetables is not a chore when you see it as the ingredient to your choice of healthy living. Even in those darkest darkest hours after my partner Tom passed away, I stayed determined not to let the healthy eating slip because I knew how important it was for my well-being. 

[DWS]

19 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I have this thought in my head lately, "not much in life really matters to me anymore, since I'd be doing it without him with me."  

Which, if I were to self analyze, based on my undergraduate psyche studies, I would say to myself, "obvious sign of depression related to grief."  That may lift eventually, and I may again assume an interest in doing things.

I know this has been the biggest hurdle for me...the loss of bright interest in everything and the feeling that nothing much matters now. Today marks 23 months since my Tom passed away and even though some of that life interest has slowly wandered back, it definitely is not at levels that it once was.

I've mentioned it a couple of times on here but there is a moment on an episode of the TV series Monk where his mother-in-law responds to his question on how she eventually carried on after his wife (her daughter) died...."after two and a half years, I decided to give the world another chance". That's a moment that I'm hoping for and waiting for. 

[shawnt]

There is a horrible truth I think is revealed by all of our posts. Life goes on.

How we go on is another matter. I have found hope in many posts(as painful as they are to hear) 

I don't believe there is any getting over it or thru it. I think I just have to live with it, it's a part of me now and I must try to live the parts my Suzy will never get to. Not for her but definitely with her memory in my heart, be a good father(keeping in mind her soft touch), being a grandfather and loving extra for her as well. I will never heal but I can still love.

There is no other side to get to, this is it, no practice runs for real life, as it has always been .

I am sorry for not being more clear in my language . 

I want to thank everyone on this site for sharing your story and thoughts it has helped me . 

[RichS]

Shawn:  What I've discovered in this life and especially on this board: It's easier to write and express good ideas than it is to practice them every day............................

[RichS]

33 minutes ago, DWS said:

I know this has been the biggest hurdle for me...the loss of bright interest in everything and the feeling that nothing much matters now. Today marks 23 months since my Tom passed away and even though some of that life interest has slowly wandered back, it definitely is not at levels that it once was.

I'm along the same path as you after 17 months. The journey is not over yet, so I'll see where it takes me...............

[JonathanFive]

KayC posted an article on the forum about, "not healing from grief."  I read it, and it kind of makes sense...

Grief is not a trauma, or a phyiscal illness, or a wound.

Like, I shave with those old school safety razors, and my hands have been a little shakey lately, and I nicked a finger so bad putting a blade in the other day - I will heal from that...

"Grief" - is there anything to heal from, or move on from?  I am seriously wondering.  It's not a wound, or mental illness - it is simply the human response to loosing somebody we love.

Now, "soulmate loss"   This is incredible.  Somebody should have told me this is the worst thing ever. I simply cannot believe the emotional pain involved here, but that being said, I know that it's time to find purpose.

Even when I say, "what else is going to matter for me in life, now that he's gone."   That's my response to the current moment, it's how I am responding what then and there.  

For me, I just keep trying to go back to purpose.  My life very much needs purpose now.  We innately know how to find purpose - purpose is being of service to our follows, being spiritual, and even, "grieving can be purpose."

Grieving can be purposeful if I choose to greive, "for the time we got to share together, the love we had for each other, how special each moment was."  The loss can't heal, it's not a wound, it was an event.  I cannot heal from an event

But grieving can be purposeful.  I am left here, to remember for both of us, for the rest of my life, to share our memory on this planet for as long as I can keep it going for us.  I am also here, to ask God to watch over his soul every night, for as long as I can - I pray every night.  I am also here to smile and laugh, and cry for all the days and all the nights we had, and will not have.

Sorrow is not purpose though, I cannot wallow in sorrow.  Sorrow is a response to an event.    If I am in sorrow, I am out of purpose.  If I am having trouble figuring out, "what to do now," maybe I should I volunteer somewhere, be of service.

There's no shortage of people in this world who could use a helping hand

[shawnt]

Well said.

[JonathanFive]

On 1/23/2024 at 9:38 AM, RichS said:

Shawn:  What I've discovered in this life and especially on this board: It's easier to write and express good ideas than it is to practice them every day............................

Yeah, lots of this is, "easier said then done."