Lost my person

[immortalgypsy]

I’m Sherry. My husband of 23 years passed on December 20 from a very short illness. I’m 45 he is 50. We have an 18 year old daughter. All I want to do is die and the only thing stopping me is her. I can’t exist without him. 

[JonathanFive]

I am very sorry for your loss.   My partner passed December 8th, 2023, and the 20th was my birthday - I turned 45.  Unfortnately, it is truly the most painful thing in life i.e. to lose your mate, your soulmate, your spouse, partner.

This is a nice forum, the people here empathize well, as we have all experienced this grief and sadness 1st hand. 

What I did, for the first 2 - 3 weeks, was call The Compassion Helpline every single day.   I'm actually calling a little later on today as well.   I can identify with, "not being able to exist without him"  Frankly, I'm sure I will have a heart attack in my 50s, as I will never be able to sort out this pain.  If your love for your husband, was any near the love I had for mine, I am truly sorry as I know you are devastated; I've not stopped crying since the day my partner passed

I can tell you, for 14 days, "I was totally hysterical."  I have calmed down a little, but sadness has not lifted.   Try to breath, the anxiety can really get you in the first two weeks.

Hug your daughter, she needs you/you need her

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, you must be in shock, it's very recent.  Hang in there and remember to breathe.  I remember holding my breath and of course sleep was impossible.  My kids helped a lot too they were also young adults...that was 18 1/2 years ago, he died on Father's Day, he had just turned 51 five days before.

My heart goes out to you, I think all of us can say that, have been there.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Very sorry for your loss. In addition to the Helpline you’ve been using, please make use of this board. I’ve been a member of this board for a year and it’s been a great help in my grief journey. Here you’ll find lots of nice people who help each other every day with support and sympathy. We can do the same for you.

[Laura Vence]

I’m so very sorry for the death of your most beloved. It has been two years and two months for me since my husband passed away. Life has not been the same for me although I keep trying to live. Individual grief counseling plus posting and reading here will be helpful. Sending you love and understanding.

[immortalgypsy]

Thank you for your kind words. I can’t conceive there will ever be another happy moment in this existence. 

[immortalgypsy]

How do you get eating back on track. I couldn’t eat anything for a week and now I’m nauseous all the time. Coupled with everything else is awful. 

[KayC]

I had my daughter following me around the house with food and water!   First I lost 16 lbs, then I gained until I went on Keto years later.

22 hours ago, immortalgypsy said:

I can’t conceive there will ever be another happy moment in this existence. 

Not for a long while maybe, but it'll happen, esp. with a positive mindset and LOOKING for good in each day.  
An article like this helped me:
Smile Permission

It's not our grief that holds us to them, it's okay to have good moments.

[LMR]

51 minutes ago, immortalgypsy said:

How do you get eating back on track. I couldn’t eat anything for a week and now I’m nauseous all the time.

I couldn't eat anything that was in our cupboards for a couple of months, that was OUR food. I would go out and buy the cheapest food I could find, usually hot dogs. I had a rule that my meals should only cost a max $2 because I didn't feel I deserved anything better. I had a bag of food that the care home returned to me and that sat on the kitchen floor unpacked for weeks.

Having moved to UK and living with my sister she does the shopping and cooking and I eat what she gives me. 

 

[immortalgypsy]

I’ve been trying to put back a little food at the time. Those uncrustable sandwich things are keeping me alive right now I suppose. I did get up and take a shower today so I’m pretty happy about that. Between the lack of energy mentally and physically, it’s just hard to navigate day-to-day. I have to return to work on Monday and I just don’t know how I’m gonna do it.

[KayC]

I had to return to work after two weeks, sometimes I had to use the bathroom to cry.  Everyone was understanding, thankfully.

[JonathanFive]

I returned back to work January 2nd, I am very fortunate to, "work remote from home," right now...   because tuesday and wednesday - it was hard.  I cried, and sobbed, and screamed and wailed.   It was really hard.

I wear glasses, my partner loved my glasses, Wednesday I sat on my glasses and broke them - accidentally.

It's hard.   Greif when it's your partner/spouse/soulmate/everything.    This is nothing anybody could really understand unless they have been through it.

and it comes and goes in waves.   - I have my first 1 on 1 telehealth counseling this next tuesday.   That, I think, is going to be a little more, "in depth," than the compassion helpline.

I swear - I am never getting over this.   I can't imagine 20 years without him, 30 year, 40 years?   I'm a young guy still..  45.     I just don't know

[Laura Vence]

It is extremely important that we feed our bodies with nourishing food while we grieve especially. Please try not to punish ourselves any more than we feel 'punished' by loss and in psychical pain. I maintain with fresh vegetables, healthy soups, berries, and a small amount of protein however you eat it. Grieving is hard enough without hurting our bodies even more.  Think about our bodies as if they are our children, who we want to support, not hurt. Try some white basmati rice and a little chicken (if not a vegan), or a soothing soup made of different vegetables. I've lost my son and then my husband, and I feel I have no one except a bunch of friends at remote distance who don't fully "get it." But I know that putting toxic food into my throat or not eating at all will just make things worse for me. 

Let's all try to practice self-love at this time. It's what our "people" would want, right?

Love to all 

[RichS]

12 minutes ago, Laura Vence said:

I've lost my son and then my husband, and I feel I have no one except a bunch of friends at remote distance who don't fully "get it."

Count this board as your friends as well. WE GET IT, TOO..............

[KayC]

I agree with the taking good care of ourselves and treating ourselves with kindness...that can be challenging to those with new losses.

[widower2]

On 12/30/2023 at 1:45 PM, immortalgypsy said:

I’m Sherry. My husband of 23 years passed on December 20 from a very short illness. I’m 45 he is 50. We have an 18 year old daughter. All I want to do is die and the only thing stopping me is her. I can’t exist without him. 

I get that feeling (I think we all do) but you can, and I'm confident you will, with your daughter's help...you will ultimately save each other, I think. I know this is a tired cliche, but it's true...one day at a time. For now, just worry about surviving the day. Don't worry about tomorrow for now. I hope this site can help; it's a great group of people.

[Gail 8588]

For food, smoothies, or even drinks like Ensure, can help you get some nutrition.

 I had no appetite for months, and mostly ate junk, cookies and such. The drinks at least gave me some nutrition. 

Try to maintain some basic personal hygiene, even on the days you struggle to get out of bed.  Your teeth will punish you if you neglect them too much.  A lesson learned the hard way by me.

 

[RichS]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

For food, smoothies, or even drinks like Ensure, can help you get some nutrition

My 95 year old uncle has TWO Ensures every day. Forty years ago it was probably TWO beers a day. Oh how times change.................

[immortalgypsy]

First day back at work and every cell of my body is screaming I don’t want to be here. I’ve been here for 48 minutes. How am I going to last 8 hours???

[JonathanFive]

2 minutes ago, immortalgypsy said:

First day back at work and every cell of my body is screaming I don’t want to be here. I’ve been here for 48 minutes. How am I going to last 8 hours???

The first day back for me was very hard - you can do it.  Take it slow, lots of breaks, try to breathe long and slow

[immortalgypsy]

Thanks Jonathan. It was hard. There was no distraction, just hours of thinking how my life is forever changed, how I couldn’t text him silly things on my lunch break. But I have 1.5 hours to go. 

[KayC]

Wishing you luck with it, I remember going back to work, so hard, no way to prepare.

[Griefsucks810]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

For food, smoothies, or even drinks like Ensure, can help you get some nutrition.

 I had no appetite for months, and mostly ate junk, cookies and such. The drinks at least gave me some nutrition. 

Try to maintain some basic personal hygiene, even on the days you struggle to get out of bed.  Your teeth will punish you if you neglect them too much.  A lesson learned the hard way by me.

 

I mainly eat lunch meat sandwiches, TV dinners and junk food.  I’ll eat a bagel with butter for breakfast and sometimes a bowl of oatmeal with blueberries. I stopped cooking meals all together last year cuz it’s too much for me and then the mess to clean up so I rather pop something in the microwave to eat.  I had 12 teeth extracted back in November 2023; now it’s a matter of getting the rest of them out. 

[immortalgypsy]

20 days since. 

[Gail 8588]

I tried to work after John died. My employer was very patient and accommodating. But I never really could get back to being a productive employee.  After 15 months, I told my supervisor that I would take early retirement in 30 days. I am sure he was very relieved, as he didn't want to fire me, but it wasn't fair to my colleagues who were picking up my slack. 

Being retired was no blessing, especially when Covid hit.  

But I eventually made it back to life.

[KayC]

I hear you!  My job went under (Bush admin. cut military airplane parts, no notice) so I had to go to commuting, a nightmare.  Seven years later my boss laid me off, no notice, took him 13 1/2 months to pay me the three months pay he was behind in.  Went w/o pay living off savings for a few years and took early retirement (soc sec) when I ran out of $.  

[immortalgypsy]

I’m looking for other jobs but I was doing that before all this. 

[immortalgypsy]

Our heat which is gas keeps tripping a breaker. Not sure why. My husband was an electrician so it’s kind of ironic. And also the gutter came off the front of the house and with all this rain there’s water in our basement. It was in his music studio. I just sat down and held his guitar and cried. It’s so frustrating and why all these things happening on top of what’s already happened. I will say my brother has been really good about helping out. But he has his own family and my mom to take care of. It’s just overwhelming. Overwhelming. Overwhelming. 

[Griefsucks810]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I tried to work after John died. My employer was very patient and accommodating. But I never really could get back to being a productive employee.  After 15 months, I told my supervisor that I would take early retirement in 30 days. I am sure he was very relieved, as he didn't want to fire me, but it wasn't fair to my colleagues who were picking up my slack. 

Being retired was no blessing, especially when Covid hit.  

But I eventually made it back to life.

I retired from working a few years before my husband died; he never fully recovered physically from all of injuries he sustained  from his 2013 motorcycle accident. Due to the nature and extent of the injuries to his upper and lower back and to his right wrist which he lost use of, he was deemed unemployable by his job and all of his doctors.  I was his caretaker full time 24/7 and I took care of his every need without complaining.  Sometimes he would be up all night in pain and I felt helpless cuz there was only so much I could do to alleviate his pain.  It broke my heart to watch my husband deteriorate slowly in pain each day  and there was nothing I could do to make him feel better or to reverse the damages done to his body.  I gave him all of my love, time, attention and devotion which is what a wife should do - for better or worse and in sickness and in health; I took my marriage vows to him seriously up until the day he died.  Ive been lost in this new life without him for the past 4 years and I don’t know how to begin to live a new life for myself and find true happiness. I’m also scared of the future because I don’t know what’s to become of me as I get older and what’s my purpose in this life cuz I’m still here. I don’t wanna live in a state of misery and depression anymore along with self isolation. I keep seeing posts that I should pray to God daily and he will remove all of the anguish, depression, anxiety, and the isolation from my life; that God hears our prayers especially for the widows and widowers, and will answer my prayers and pleas when the time is right. I stopped praying and going to church too last year because I stopped believing in myself and in God; I feel like I’m doomed to be miserable and continue to suffer the grips of anxiety and depression day in and day out in this new life alone.  I know in my mind and in my heart that I’m the one that must make changes to my current way of life and that the changes aren’t gonna knock on my door and do it for me; I have to take charge of my life once and for all by getting myself into a daily routine, eat healthy meals, go to bed the same time each night and wake up the same time daily and to stop self isolating in my room - to get out of the house for fresh air daily and to exercise daily. Most of all is the change to my mindset from all negative to positive thoughts and feelings; and also to accept myself and love myself which will be challenging cuz I never had to do this before. All of the changes I have to do for my well being is gonna take work from within me and I’m willing to do it so I can get out of the state of misery, anxiety depression and isolation once and for all.  I don’t know what it’s like to feel happy or be happy for something or to laugh. I’m hoping  that after all the changes I make to my life will give me positive results and a positive outlook on my new life

[Gail 8588]

Griefsucks810, 

It was 4 years after my husband's death that I felt I had to change. I couldn't go on living as I had been. I was losing my mind.  

I introduced structure to my life, wake up, make my bed, eat, volunteer to be somewhere, do something every day. I would sign up for "how to" classes at Home Depot, I tried to learn something new (play piano) because I wanted my brain to think there was something new in my future.  Lots of other little things. 

Slowly, I did begin to feel a change in my mindset.  It didn't happen quickly, but I do think it helped me to find my way back to life, after living as a zombie for 4 years. 

Good luck to you.  You deserve to have a life that includes happiness. 

Gail

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

 I know in my mind and in my heart that I’m the one that must make changes to my current way of life and that the changes aren’t gonna knock on my door and do it for me; I have to take charge of my life once and for all by getting myself into a daily routine, eat healthy meals, go to bed the same time each night and wake up the same time daily and to stop self isolating in my room - to get out of the house for fresh air daily and to exercise daily.

You're not alone on this. I don't think there's a person on this board who has not struggled with this (or is continuing to struggle with this). Hang in there!

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I stopped believing in myself and in God

Unfortunately rather common in early grief (yes four years is still early in the thralls of things).  Gail's journey is common and her suggestion good.  Taking care of ones self is the beginning to positive mindset.  The rest will come when we work at it.  I'm so glad you are here!  I'm not going to try to talk you out of your feelings...we feel what we feel and deal with it as we can.  Hoping for something good to come your way, sounds like you deserve and need it.  The things you ask (what's going to happen to me as I get old) are here for me too, I'm in my 70s, dealing with so much...alone.  Praying for strength to get through each day with whatever comes my way.  One day at a time.

[immortalgypsy]

Finally read the death certificate. I’m not sure why I was avoiding it it’s not like it makes it any more final. Every hour of every day reminds me of that. It said cardiac arrest, failure of one of his ventricles, massive pulmonary embolism. It all sounds so violent and horrible. I hope when he looked at me and his eyes were dilated  and vacant at the very start that he was gone. He was gone before the next 5 hours of traumatic interventions. I regret allowing that. 

[RichS]

49 minutes ago, immortalgypsy said:

He was gone before the next 5 hours of traumatic interventions. I regret allowing that.

We all have regrets; but it's important to remember that we did as best as humanly possible. We also made decisions based on on the information given to us by the doctors and the nurses (who are also human, too). In sum, we tried our best; and that's all that we can expect of ourselves. if the roles were reversed, our partners would be struggling with the same decisions we had to make.

[JonathanFive]

21 minutes ago, RichS said:

if the roles were reversed, our partners would be struggling with the same decisions we had to make.

👍

[immortalgypsy]

3 hours ago, RichS said:

We all have regrets; but it's important to remember that we did as best as humanly possible. We also made decisions based on on the information given to us by the doctors and the nurses (who are also human, too). In sum, we tried our best; and that's all that we can expect of ourselves. if the roles were reversed, our partners would be struggling with the same decisions we had to make.

 

2 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

👍

Thanks guys

[KayC]

On 1/15/2024 at 7:47 AM, RichS said:

We all have regrets; but it's important to remember that we did as best as humanly possible.

For sure, and your following statement essential to remember also.

On 1/15/2024 at 7:47 AM, RichS said:

We also made decisions based on on the information given to us by the doctors and the nurses (who are also human, too). I

And yes, they would have felt the same in our shoes.

[HisMunchkin]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I feel the same way some days.  I've tried to count my blessings.  It kind of helps.  Your daughter, to start, is one of those blessings.  Things breaking around the house at this time is awful.  Were you able to things fixed?  I too have a brother who has been very helpful, but I understand what you mean, he has his own life.  I don't want to bother him unless I absolutely need the help.  Wish I could offer you better advice, but I think the above posts have already done that.  All I can give you right now is a big hug - *big hugs*  Wishing you strength, courage, and wisdom to soldier on.  You are not alone.  I am also in this "grief stew" and feel very overwhelmed. 

[Laura Vence]

I can relate with much that is said here. I went back to work several months after the caretaking of my husband as he died and his death, which left me completely exhausted and beached. And this was a rather generous leave of absence per my union "sick leave" (signed off on by my therapist).

In this way I was lucky. But two years later, I have now retired (last month), earlier than most in my employment field (tenured college professor). Since my husband's death, I just couldn't do it all anymore. I've been doing all family-business rentals we maintained and bill-paying on these, the pet care, maintenance and car repair (I had a major accident in November! Totalled my car!). All the chores we used to do together and in two countries--my husband was French and we maintained his inherited apartment; now I've had to learn to cope with French business stuff, which is really trying and a completely different dysfunctional system than that of the US).

The commuting I had to do in New York city every week, to a broken-down college campus with no functional entrances and elevators to high-rise buildings to get to class (somehow government buildings get a pass on disability access requirements), with not a single compassionate colleague who cared about me, vendettas against me for teaching women's studies issues, and a student body poorly prepared for college (like, not even knowing how to write and turn in a paper)--many of whom chose to take out their anger and frustration on the professor assigning the work.  After 31 years of dedicated and passionate teaching in my field of study, I called it quits last month. I just couldn't do it any more! Not having my husband's warmth and love to come home to--and my adult son had passed away in 2010 from heart disease leaving me without my precious guy--I felt like my skin was being ripped off every day I took the NY subway, tried to get to classrooms, and teach good classes.

The losses just seem to pile up, and I begin to wonder who I am or what I can contribute. I'm a writer but I still don't feel like writing, after two years--when I had to stop all my own creative work to become a full-time caretaker, spending much of that time on the phone arguing with insurance companies and health care institutions who wouldn't pay for required meds or treatments, or discussing his condition with a plethora of doctors in different areas (he had so much wrong with him, including heart failure, liver disease, and kidney issues)--when not actually with my husband.

My husband's liver disease would make him have an attack that drove him mentally crazy--the fancy word is encephalopathy. I had to face these numerous times by myself. One day I woke up and thought he was dead. He was entering a coma. Or he would go wildly crazy, fall down, etc. I'd call the  ER when I recognized the symptoms--the local volunteer EMS men sometimes didn't believe he had gone mad from the disease and would die if untreated, distrusting me as the wife (my husband had a good denial act when the "authorities" would arrive). Then there would be another long hospital stay, then to rehab facilities that all seemed cruel and insufficient for his care, then he'd be sent back home--often with huge distances of driving involved. Social workers at hospitals were the worst. One time he got "stuck" in a Queens hospital because the social workers didn't contact the right phone number for the insurance company to get him released, and it took five extra days after the doctor's approval to have him actually discharged (while he was tied to the bed, because the nurses didn't want him using the bathroom himself, although the doctors said he could). I tried so hard to help him! The latter incident took me about 12 hours on the phone, to discover in the "deep bowels" of the hidden hospital system what had gone wrong and why they couldn't discharge him with the assistance required of the insurance company. You know you can't get a person on the phone these days (this was two years ago and a few months). And the people in charge often hide behind "customer care" staff who don't really know what they are doing. These kinds of cycles and scenarios left me in a constant state of stress. 

I was all alone during his illness, since his sons are bitter adults who never really liked their kind dad (they never got over the divorce) and since I lost my kind-hearted, devoted son, I had no one to rely on. No other caring family. And "friends" never got it--the pain and the trauma.

It's been two years-plus since my husband's death. I poured myself into teaching the best I could in the meantiome--gave up the writing because I could no longer do it all. And I feel heart-broken reading how many students hated me in classes. I guess American students also don't want grief-struck teachers leading their classrooms. I tried so hard to do my very best.

I also lost my mother this year, after a long illness, and going out to see her after my husband died a couple of times. Now I have been put in charge of her tangled estate (mostly just a house that has to be sold), along with STILL sorting out problems in France regarding my husband's property. When I went out to deal with her house and have a memorial (she lived across the country), instead of being compassionate my college students blamed me for missing classes. Even having them via Zoom wasn't good enough. 

I can never be or do enough for others. 

Is there compassion left in America? I don't know, but I feel it among the strangers here. Just not many people I see and walk in the world with. 

The recommendation here of others to have a schedule (because I can sleep all day!) is a good one. I eat healthy and well, I try to laugh and be joyful occasionally if I can, and I am trying to get back into exercise after being too tired to move. Trying to become creative again, and trying to find a reason for living...

[KayC]

21 minutes ago, Laura Vence said:

Since my husband's death, I just couldn't do it all anymore.

Reading everything you've been doing and in different countries no less, I felt exhausted on your behalf!  I have no idea how you did it all and with a husband dying, way too much.  Remember to take a day at a time and try to get out.  Have you tried an in person grief support group?  It might help to connect with others that get it, someone to hug, maybe go out to lunch with.

And try not to do so much, maybe lighten your load even more than you have.  ❤️

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Laura Vence said:

Is there compassion left in America? I don't know, but I feel it among the strangers here. Just not many people I see and walk in the world with

There are compassionate people. Usually they're the ones who have experienced losses like we have. Otherwise, most people don't understand............

[Gail 8588]

Laura V, 

You have been doing so much for so long, I'm  exhausted just reading it.  You absolutely  deserve  to lighten your load.  I know there are some things you have to deal with, the property in France, your mother's  estate.  But everything you can put off until later, I recommend you put off.   You are dealing with multiple losses here, loss of your husband, your mother, your son,  your professional career, your caregiving responsibilities.  It is an enormous  amount of loss and change.  Give yourself  time to recenter.  Your creativity will find an outlet, in time. 

Two years is still very early in grief, especially  with the additional losses and life changes you have been dealing with.  Be kind to yourself.

Gail

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

I can relate with much that is said here. I went back to work several months after the caretaking of my husband as he died and his death, which left me completely exhausted and beached. And this was a rather generous leave of absence per my union "sick leave" (signed off on by my therapist).

In this way I was lucky. But two years later, I have now retired (last month), earlier than most in my employment field (tenured college professor). Since my husband's death, I just couldn't do it all anymore. I've been doing all family-business rentals we maintained and bill-paying on these, the pet care, maintenance and car repair (I had a major accident in November! Totalled my car!). All the chores we used to do together and in two countries--my husband was French and we maintained his inherited apartment; now I've had to learn to cope with French business stuff, which is really trying and a completely different dysfunctional system than that of the US).

The commuting I had to do in New York city every week, to a broken-down college campus with no functional entrances and elevators to high-rise buildings to get to class (somehow government buildings get a pass on disability access requirements), with not a single compassionate colleague who cared about me, vendettas against me for teaching women's studies issues, and a student body poorly prepared for college (like, not even knowing how to write and turn in a paper)--many of whom chose to take out their anger and frustration on the professor assigning the work.  After 31 years of dedicated and passionate teaching in my field of study, I called it quits last month. I just couldn't do it any more! Not having my husband's warmth and love to come home to--and my adult son had passed away in 2010 from heart disease leaving me without my precious guy--I felt like my skin was being ripped off every day I took the NY subway, tried to get to classrooms, and teach good classes.

The losses just seem to pile up, and I begin to wonder who I am or what I can contribute. I'm a writer but I still don't feel like writing, after two years--when I had to stop all my own creative work to become a full-time caretaker, spending much of that time on the phone arguing with insurance companies and health care institutions who wouldn't pay for required meds or treatments, or discussing his condition with a plethora of doctors in different areas (he had so much wrong with him, including heart failure, liver disease, and kidney issues)--when not actually with my husband.

My husband's liver disease would make him have an attack that drove him mentally crazy--the fancy word is encephalopathy. I had to face these numerous times by myself. One day I woke up and thought he was dead. He was entering a coma. Or he would go wildly crazy, fall down, etc. I'd call the  ER when I recognized the symptoms--the local volunteer EMS men sometimes didn't believe he had gone mad from the disease and would die if untreated, distrusting me as the wife (my husband had a good denial act when the "authorities" would arrive). Then there would be another long hospital stay, then to rehab facilities that all seemed cruel and insufficient for his care, then he'd be sent back home--often with huge distances of driving involved. Social workers at hospitals were the worst. One time he got "stuck" in a Queens hospital because the social workers didn't contact the right phone number for the insurance company to get him released, and it took five extra days after the doctor's approval to have him actually discharged (while he was tied to the bed, because the nurses didn't want him using the bathroom himself, although the doctors said he could). I tried so hard to help him! The latter incident took me about 12 hours on the phone, to discover in the "deep bowels" of the hidden hospital system what had gone wrong and why they couldn't discharge him with the assistance required of the insurance company. You know you can't get a person on the phone these days (this was two years ago and a few months). And the people in charge often hide behind "customer care" staff who don't really know what they are doing. These kinds of cycles and scenarios left me in a constant state of stress. 

I was all alone during his illness, since his sons are bitter adults who never really liked their kind dad (they never got over the divorce) and since I lost my kind-hearted, devoted son, I had no one to rely on. No other caring family. And "friends" never got it--the pain and the trauma.

It's been two years-plus since my husband's death. I poured myself into teaching the best I could in the meantiome--gave up the writing because I could no longer do it all. And I feel heart-broken reading how many students hated me in classes. I guess American students also don't want grief-struck teachers leading their classrooms. I tried so hard to do my very best.

I also lost my mother this year, after a long illness, and going out to see her after my husband died a couple of times. Now I have been put in charge of her tangled estate (mostly just a house that has to be sold), along with STILL sorting out problems in France regarding my husband's property. When I went out to deal with her house and have a memorial (she lived across the country), instead of being compassionate my college students blamed me for missing classes. Even having them via Zoom wasn't good enough. 

I can never be or do enough for others. 

Is there compassion left in America? I don't know, but I feel it among the strangers here. Just not many people I see and walk in the world with. 

The recommendation here of others to have a schedule (because I can sleep all day!) is a good one. I eat healthy and well, I try to laugh and be joyful occasionally if I can, and I am trying to get back into exercise after being too tired to move. Trying to become creative again, and trying to find a reason for living...

Wow!  I'm with everyone else who said that they feel exhausted on your behalf just reading about what you had to go through.  I am so sorry for your losses, and for all that you had to deal with all by yourself.  I am relieved for you to hear that you retired early, that you are eating healthy, trying to laugh and be joyful, and trying to exercise and be creative again.  Those are all good signs, and I wish you all the strength, courage, and wisdom keep moving forward.  Rebuilding takes time.  My hope for you is that brick by brick, you'll eventually make a "home" again.  Big hugs to you.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/7/2024 at 10:46 PM, Gail 8588 said:

For food, smoothies, or even drinks like Ensure, can help you get some nutrition.

 I had no appetite for months, and mostly ate junk, cookies and such. The drinks at least gave me some nutrition. 

Try to maintain some basic personal hygiene, even on the days you struggle to get out of bed.  Your teeth will punish you if you neglect them too much.  A lesson learned the hard way by me.

 

I continue to eat microwave meals and junk food. I do eat plain oatmeal with blueberries and an everything bagel for breakfast, skip lunch, and I eat a microwave meal for dinner.  I have to change my unhealthy eating habits ASAP so my body does not become sick with health ailments from not eating healthy foods and vegetables. 
 

My teeth did finally punish me on Nov 7 2023 cuz I had to get 12 teeth extracted due to having a bad case of periodontal disease and cavities; I have to get the rest of my remaining teeth out before the end of this year.  I’m gonna be a toothless widow! 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/18/2024 at 3:47 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Wow!  I'm with everyone else who said that they feel exhausted on your behalf just reading about what you had to go through.  I am so sorry for your losses, and for all that you had to deal with all by yourself.  I am relieved for you to hear that you retired early, that you are eating healthy, trying to laugh and be joyful, and trying to exercise and be creative again.  Those are all good signs, and I wish you all the strength, courage, and wisdom keep moving forward.  Rebuilding takes time.  My hope for you is that brick by brick, you'll eventually make a "home" again.  Big hugs to you.

Wow you’ve been through hell and back with everything you had to endure all by yourself!  It’s a good thing that you’re retired from your job, eating healthy, attempting to exercise and trying to laugh and be joyful. I admire your strength and courage to move forward with your life. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/9/2024 at 8:38 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Griefsucks810, 

It was 4 years after my husband's death that I felt I had to change. I couldn't go on living as I had been. I was losing my mind.  

I introduced structure to my life, wake up, make my bed, eat, volunteer to be somewhere, do something every day. I would sign up for "how to" classes at Home Depot, I tried to learn something new (play piano) because I wanted my brain to think there was something new in my future.  Lots of other little things. 

Slowly, I did begin to feel a change in my mindset.  It didn't happen quickly, but I do think it helped me to find my way back to life, after living as a zombie for 4 years. 

Good luck to you.  You deserve to have a life that includes happiness. 

Gail

Thank you for responding to my post.  I hold onto hope that happiness will come into my life. 

I definitely need structure in my life and to do something productive everyday.  I’ve been in survival mode for 4 years too long.  What are some of the things that you do everyday?  I need some ideas that have worked for you. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Griefsucks810,

What is working for me right now is volunteer driving for the Red Cross, delivering blood products to several hospitals in San Diego.  I do that 2 or 3 times per week.  I needed to do something to get out of the house and out of my head for a few hours.  On days I am not doing Red Cross, I do about 25 minutes of stretching just to get me loose and shake off the morning stiffness.  Light breakfast of proteins, you know one scrambled egg and toast, or a bowl of oatmeal.  I walk the neighborhood, usually at least 2 miles.  I have a car hobby to work on in the garage on open days.  

At night, by about 11:30 pm, TV is off.  Do a nightly prayer on an app.  Turn on Hawaiian music and come here and catch up on this forum, go over pictures of Veronica I have saved for the month, read a couple of chapters of the Bible.  That is my general routine these days.  I miss the purpose and routine I had with Veronica in the time before…but that can’t be helped now, you know?

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

 What are some of the things that you do everyday?  I need some ideas that have worked for you. 

MY ADVICE IS:  Keep in touch with the helpful, kind folks on this board, every day. We help each other get through each and every day......................

[Gail 8588]

Griefsucks810,

Thinking back to when I started to force myself to change is a little fuzzy.  I know I set my alarm at a reasonable time each morning, maybe 8:00. I made myself get out of bed and immediately make my bed, so I wouldn't  be able to go back to bed in.  (I was only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep at night, so not going back to bed was a challenge.) Shower, dress, morning meds, breakfast were all on a short time schedule. No dilly dallying, because left to my own depressed self those few things could take hours. I made myself clean up my breakfast dishes and such right away.  (In contrast to my depressed self letting things pile up, because nobody was there but me.)  I'd  try to be out of the house, for some errand by 9:00.  Grocery shopping, get something for the house at Home Depot or Lowes.  My house is old and always needs something fixed.  I used to sign up for their classes in how to retile a bathroom, how to lay snap-in flooring, whatever.  I didn't  actually tile a bathroom or lay flooring, but it put appointments on my calendar to be somewhere on time. 

I joined a volunteer group that was focused on making  our community better.  I ended up staying with that group for years and am now on it's  board. 

I had an old dog at this time, and although he was content to be a couch potato, I made him take me on at least one walk each day. He was mostly blind and totally deaf at this point. But his beagle nose worked and he enjoyed sniffing the world as we ambled along.

I had moved twice since my husband died, but many boxes were unopened, just piled up in various  rooms.  I set a schedule to deal with one box a day. That proved to be too much and soon shifted to 1 or 2 boxes a week. But it was still progress. 

I bought a Learn How To Play Piano course with books and a CD.  I schedule my piano practice everyday.  I wanted my brain to learn something new in the hope my brain would feel like I have a future with new experiences ahead. 

I planted a garden. I'm  not much of a gardener.

I had been eating a lot of frozen dinners during my zombie years. I forced myself to add in some real food. Apples, pears, bananas and a grocery store prepared salad several times a week. I never was a cook, so I didn't go there. But at least I could eat an apple a day and some salad sometimes. 

I also really looked for good things that I could appreciate.  A butterfly, a flower - even if it was just a weed, a sunset, my silly old beagle finding a treat.

Kay's  list was a good guide for me on things to try.  I also finally asked my doctor for some help sleeping. He prescribed  some medications  that definitely improved my sleep. Still I rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep unless I am exhausted from taking care of my grand kids.

Somehow, I crawled my way out of my depression.   In 6 months I could really feel that I was getting better. Not happy exactly, but no longer hoping to die. 

My life will never be like it was when my sweetie was by my side.  But I do have a good life now.  Not as joyful, exciting, or as comfortably contented as it was, but it is good. I have some  joy filled days and some quiet days.  I still feel him here with me and I share with him all that is happening.  I can live this life.

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Griefsucks810,

Thinking back to when I started to force myself to change is a little fuzzy.  I know I set my alarm at a reasonable time each morning, maybe 8:00. I made myself get out of bed and immediately make my bed, so I wouldn't  be able to go back to bed in.  (I was only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep at night, so not going back to bed was a challenge.) Shower, dress, morning meds, breakfast were all on a short time schedule. No dilly dallying, because left to my own depressed self those few things could take hours. I made myself clean up my breakfast dishes and such right away.  (In contrast to my depressed self letting things pile up, because nobody was there but me.)  I'd  try to be out of the house, for some errand by 9:00.  Grocery shopping, get something for the house at Home Depot or Lowes.  My house is old and always needs something fixed.  I used to sign up for their classes in how to retile a bathroom, how to lay snap-in flooring, whatever.  I didn't  actually tile a bathroom or lay flooring, but it put appointments on my calendar to be somewhere on time. 

I joined a volunteer group that was focused on making  our community better.  I ended up staying with that group for years and am now on it's  board. 

I had an old dog at this time, and although he was content to be a couch potato, I made him take me on at least one walk each day. He was mostly blind and totally deaf at this point. But his beagle nose worked and he enjoyed sniffing the world as we ambled along.

I had moved twice since my husband died, but many boxes were unopened, just piled up in various  rooms.  I set a schedule to deal with one box a day. That proved to be too much and soon shifted to 1 or 2 boxes a week. But it was still progress. 

I bought a Learn How To Play Piano course with books and a CD.  I schedule my piano practice everyday.  I wanted my brain to learn something new in the hope my brain would feel like I have a future with new experiences ahead. 

I planted a garden. I'm  not much of a gardener.

I had been eating a lot of frozen dinners during my zombie years. I forced myself to add in some real food. Apples, pears, bananas and a grocery store prepared salad several times a week. I never was a cook, so I didn't go there. But at least I could eat an apple a day and some salad sometimes. 

I also really looked for good things that I could appreciate.  A butterfly, a flower - even if it was just a weed, a sunset, my silly old beagle finding a treat.

Kay's  list was a good guide for me on things to try.  I also finally asked my doctor for some help sleeping. He prescribed  some medications  that definitely improved my sleep. Still I rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep unless I am exhausted from taking care of my grand kids.

Somehow, I crawled my way out of my depression.   In 6 months I could really feel that I was getting better. Not happy exactly, but no longer hoping to die. 

My life will never be like it was when my sweetie was by my side.  But I do have a good life now.  Not as joyful, exciting, or as comfortably contented as it was, but it is good. I have some  joy filled days and some quiet days.  I still feel him here with me and I share with him all that is happening.  I can live this life.

Thank you SO much for sharing your healing journey, especially how you did it, Gail!  It inspires a lot of hope for me that I, too, will eventually crawl out of my current state.  I hope you'll continue to find new interests and joys in life.  *Big Hugs* to you. 💝