Considering dating again...

[KayC]

Wow, I have never gone to a dating site but that would be a huge red flag for me, why do they need your date of birth, isn't it enough to give your age?!  And phone number, that should be for YOU to give out when you want to, not for them to require!

My son met his wife on Plenty of Fish, says all I need to know...

[Alisond]

On 10/25/2023 at 8:54 AM, widower2 said:

I tend to feel people make their own luck. If someone is serious about wanting to get into a relationship, it's better to try and seek that out vs hoping you bump into the right person among the crowd (whether a crowd in general or among friends etc). Dating sites have their flaws, but IMO are generally still the best way to try and find someone as you can get information about them up front.

Widower2.

Yes, there are upsides.

[Alisond]

5 hours ago, RichS said:

Alisond:  Welcome to our board! Here you'll find sympathetic people who understand your grieving. I lost my wife 15 months ago after being married for 42 years. I along with other folks on this board get what you're going through. 

As for dating, I have no desire to date either now or in the future; but that's me. You may not feel comfortable dating right now and that's fine. You'll know when the time is right for you. Others will give you their opinions; but your decision is what matters the most. 

Thank you for the welcome. I feel like I fit here.

[KayC]

I'm so glad!

[GaryAllen]

Everyone is different and there are no "answers", just decisions and as long as you are treating yourself right it is the right decision for you.  For me, it's like 1/2 my life was one person and now it's a different person.  I remember who I was and the life I lived but it's not where I live today.   It's a strange existence that I think 'is' my new life, one that I am learning to accept and understand.  Comparing your life now to the past is inevitable, just be fare and honest with yourself and your partner is all you can do.  

[shawnt]

I have been dating. Your right I am not who I was and never will be again. It is very, very scarey. I never had game and 25 years hasn't helped. 

I know for sure life is better when shared with the right person. I also know that the wrong partner is way worse than being alone. I now know that losing your love is most painful of all. I worry that fear will hold me back from giving my all if the time comes. I try and live my life all in , throw myself 100% into whatever I am doing .

Right now I am worried about the fact that I am now much more emotional than I have ever been. The shell I used to have is gone and I don't think it's coming back ( another thing I have lost forever?) How do sensitive people survive this world when every war orphan commercial and tragic story on the news makes me teary . How will I survive a real tragedy in my life?

Is that fear going to cheat me out of a full life? Do I even have a choice or is this another horrible truth about being a human?

[RichS]

I would take dating one small step at a time. I admire you for taking this stop forward; as I know myself: I would be comparing this person with my wife. Not fair to them. If the person you're dating knows of your situation, they should be understanding of how you're feeling emotionally at this stage of your life (just like all of us on this board). If that turns out to be true, then that would be a good step forward for both of you. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

the wrong partner is way worse than being alone.

Yep!

[widower2]

I get that. If I ever date I would have to guard against comparisons for sure. To me though anyone new doesn't have to compare; it isn't a competition or an all-or-nothing deal. My incentive to possibly date again is because being alone SUCKS in the extreme and being with someone who I like, genuinely care about, and enjoy their company beats the living heck out of being alone.  

[KayC]

See, I don't feel being alone sucks, I'm okay being me, just me, to me that is better than going through what I went through with some heels...but I had some horrific experiences in the early years, haven't dated since.  I think I did it backwards, should have given myself ample time on my own to get used to it instead of trying to rebuild my life.  Sometimes it's hard being  alone when you need someone to take care of you after an operation, etc. but I wouldn't want to marry for that.

[SSC]

I’m with widower2, being alone sucks.  I do have friends and family but I’m tired of not sharing a life with someone.  I guess I know what it’s like to have a loving, happy relationship and I really miss it.  I also know that if I did have another relationship with someone else I would look at it in a different light.  It couldn’t compare to my marriage with my husband because I was a different person then.  We grew up together.  We had children together.  We were young, building careers and homes and dealing with family.  Now,  if I connected with someone it would be for companionship, ease of conversation and understanding.  Luckily I had that before but in a different way….

Thing is, I’m not really looking.  My older neighbor (90 yr) is still making moves on me and I still gently let him down but he keeps at it.  I want to be kind and friendly with him but evidently he seems to think that means we should move in together.  I guess his fighter pilot/base commander ego makes him feel 30 years younger!  lol!  
 

Lately I’ve been having dreams about my husband where he is around a lot in my everyday day life.  This is nice but also strange for me as I rarely remember my dreams.  I assume this means I am missing that companionship profoundly enough to bring it up in my subconscious.  It’s a conundrum.  How to have something you know you are unable to obtain?  We just muddle through until we learn to accept it.

[April Ballou]

Well I tried dating.  Maybe I tried too soon.  I don't like being alone.  But I have made it three years without a man in my life.  I can wait the rest of my life. 

[KayC]

I wouldn't say I LIKE being alone, but April I hear you, yet seriously I'd rather be alone that put up with the ____ I went through in dating.  Perhaps it was too soon, April, I know it was for me even at four years out.  I said the same thing, the right person would have to drop in my lap (like he did George) but I'm not going out looking.  I'm 71 now, not likely to happen.

[April Ballou]

@KayC I understand completely.   It wasn't that bad but I should have stopped after a month but it lasted four months.   I knew he didn't want what I did.  But it is over.  I'm glad.  I realize that there are crazy people out there.  Luckily he wasn't a bad man.  He just liked being a bachelor.   So he will be.  

[RichS]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm not going out looking.  I'm 71 now, not likely to happen.

That's my way of thinking as well. A little contradiction here: If I had passed away and Chris found some man who really made her happy, I would be happy for her. Truthfully, I think that's my love for her in that her happiness means a lot to me. Like I've said before: WHO KNOWS HOW THE MIND WORKS!

[KayC]

28 minutes ago, RichS said:

If I had passed away and Chris found some man who really made her happy, I would be happy for her.

Same.

[April Ballou]

@RichS  I truly wished I had died and notAmy husband.   But thats not what happened.   

[William M]

I think I'm probably done!  I miss my wife immensely, but find aloneness much easier now than at 23 before I got married.  Back then there were so many unknowns.  Would I have a family, would I find the right person?   Now I have a son, got to do the whole family thing, and got to spend most of my life with a companion, that helped me through life.  So now I'm much more content with aloneness than those many years ago when young and single. It feels very different this time around.  The pressure and desire to do "family life" is off now that I got to do it.. Though I would give anything to be with my wife again, at least I get to explore a new kind of life, much different than before this all happened.  Maybe a "date" would be interesting someday, but I'm pretty sure a long relationship is unlikely, and a marriage is 100% off the table. Like SIM7079, I still feel very much married, and assume I always will. As for now my wife's 2 little dogs she got as puppies, not to long before her death, give me all the joy and love I can stand. I give that love back and spoil them rotten as I know she would have! It's the last thing I can do for her......

[Roxeanne]

On 12/4/2023 at 6:20 PM, RichS said:

I would be comparing this person with my wife. 

How can we not do it? 

We all had our soulmates with us for years, built our intense life together and all of us would give anything  to have them back!

Then by force of circumstances we try to loosen the desert in which we are confined ...and we bump in these very little little men che non valgono neanche un mignolo del mio amore! ( who aren't worth even a little finger of my love!)

How can i not compare them...before running away ??

 

[Sparky1]

4 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

che non valgono neanche un mignolo del mio amore! (

Roxeanne, I love reading you getting  pi**ed off in Italian. 🤣

[widower2]

8 hours ago, SSC said:

Thing is, I’m not really looking.  My older (90 yr) is still making moves on me and I still gently let him down but he keeps at it.  I want to be kind and friendly with him but evidently he seems to think that means we should move in together.  I guess his fighter pilot/base commander ego makes him feel 30 years younger!  lol!  

 Fighter pilots and commanders have egos? Who knew?? (Seriously wow a 90 yr old ex-fighter pilot is rare...) 

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, William M said:

I think I'm probably done!

Phew, you scared me for a moment there!  It took me a minute to realize you meant done with dating, romance, etc. 

I am the same.  I recently told a somewhat younger friend who wishes she could find that "one great love" and who asked me if I'd ever consider dating again that I had my one great love, which is enough for me.  That's not to say that I am 100% sure I won't ever find a companion for my last years, but it's highly unlikely.  I've learned to be content with myself, at least most of the time.  Adding my Cosi girl has filled a void and given me a reason to smile every day.

I know for sure I would be comparing, which I think is only natural.  But I've also made sure to not put John on a pedestal as the greatest man who ever lived and who had no flaws.  He was without a doubt the greatest man who lived for me.  He and I both had/have plenty of imperfections, but we gave grace to each other for simply being human.  So that comparison would be based on reality, rather than some fantastical image of him.  Yet, I would compare and so I think it best for me to live the life I have now with friends and family who are there for me in so many ways and a stubborn, smart, slightly crazy, loving cat.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Sim7079 said:

not sure why I do this now.

Of course I can't speak for you, but there are a number of reasons I tend to do it.  Why would I want to talk about or spend a lot of time remembering his faults?  It's hard enough just getting through the pain of this grief without adding anything more that's "negative."  Another reason is that if I talk about John's foibles or something he did wrong, he's not here to defend himself (so to speak).  He's not here to rebut and remind me of my own flaws.  And finally, because we were perfectly imperfect for each other, he does live in my heart that way.

[RichS]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

because we were perfectly imperfect for each other

A GOOD definition of a GOOD marriage........

[shawnt]

I look at dating and meeting new friends as adventure, not as a search for a soul mate. That's to big a goal and to scarey. It took my whole life to find my Suzy, I will never be that lucky again. Who knows where the magic comes from? Not me. It will take a lifetime again. In the meanwhile spending time with and getting to know someone who is kind and gentle, and maybe makes me laugh is ok.

Beware; the world is full of bitter trolls but I have been around long enough to know I don't have to spend one minute with people like that.On the other hand I met a widow ( I only date widows now, we share the same emotional language and they understand I am a broken toy, like them)who is very kind and although there is no magic we are becoming friends and that's fun.

Part of my strategy to make my life liveable is to try and look forward more than I look back and count what is lost. So far I am falling way short but I will muddle on knowing I have no choice.

[RichS]

5 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Part of my strategy to make my life liveable is to try and look forward more than I look back

Which is something I need to improve on a whole lot.................

[DWS]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 And finally, because we were perfectly imperfect for each other, he does live in my heart that way.

Going one crazy step forward from that, I kinda chuckle at the times when I've wondered if there will be another and how disappointed I would be in finding someone without Tom's minor flaws and quirks! "Ohhh...you like brussel sprouts. Hmmm...I don't think this is going to work out. You see, I like them but I liked it when Tom ran away from them."

[widower2]

On 12/15/2023 at 10:35 AM, DWS said:

Going one crazy step forward from that, I kinda chuckle at the times when I've wondered if there will be another and how disappointed I would be in finding someone without Tom's minor flaws and quirks! "Ohhh...you like brussel sprouts. Hmmm...I don't think this is going to work out. You see, I like them but I liked it when Tom ran away from them."

Goof point!  I don't think I could get serious with someone who loved Jethro Tull, not because I hate them but she did.  "Oh you love Jethro Tull? Wow sorry, that's a deal-breaker." 

[shawnt]

I have a thought on this but I am not sure I can express it correctly, but I am going to try.

Suzy and I built a life together and a love. She knew me better than anyone. But that took a lifetime, awkward first dates, really awkward first time making love, first baby, house full of babies, struggle, poor, house like a circus, kids grown, successful business, deep love and trust and dreams real and imagined about the future. Future lost for sure but all the rest was real and true but is past.

I will never have or do that again but it was a life well lived, her loss will always scorch my soul and she is irreplaceable.

Holding someone else's hand is awkward ( sometimes painful, always scarey) but nice. Do I have enough in me to chance someone new?

That's the gist of my thought, it's bigger but I can't express the enormity of the emotions on both sides ; I don't have the language. Back to that dual personhood again? Still in love with her and having loved my life but trying to still live? Best I can do, sorry for the incomplete thinking.

[RichS]

Shawn:  Not incomplete thinking. Just yourself wondering if you'll be ready emotionally if another person comes into your life in the future. The good news is, you'll get to decide if or when that time comes. 

[shawnt]

Also may be a reflection of age and realization that all of those things are past and gone. Coming to terms with my age and limitations .

My grandmother said growing old ain't for sissies .

[Autocharge]

On 10/24/2023 at 8:48 PM, widower2 said:

Repeat, considering... this is something I wondered if I'd ever do and have always had mixed feelings about. I don't think I'd feel guilty because I know she'd want me to if I felt the need, and after years of ungodly loneliness, yeah I'd say there's a need....and yet I have to wonder if I would feel guilty despite knowing it makes no sense. Further, I haven't had a "date" since 2000, so oh I'm a little rusty ya think? Basically I'm not sure anyone I'd be interested in would be interested in me. And just the whole dating, getting to know someone thing makes me want to wretch. 

I guess I'm mostly just babbling out loud, but wondering if anyone else has considered (or even done?) this, either near term or for those newer to this journey, farther down the road after you've had more of a chance to regroup. 

I even recently joined one of these dating sites just to see who's out there and how could I accurately portray myself.

ugh. What's on TV    

You may want to read my lengthy thread . It is about every thing your thinking about based on my personal experience .

"Autocharge my experience"

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

[TrentonRoth]

I totally feel you on the whole dating site skepticism – not my favorite thing either. But hey, gotta admit, in this modern world, they do seem to work for many. I agree with others here that it's a way to connect with like-minded people and who knows, maybe even find a soul mate. Just take it at your own pace, no rush. However, if the whole online dating scene isn't your jam, but don't want to be alone, stumbled upon this cool resource recently - aurumgirls.co.uk. It's not your typical dating site, but a place to find awesome company for a great time. Who knows, you might just discover a fantastic companion for the evening.

[shawnt]

I think there may be a universal human need for companionship and another soul that listens to you like no other .+ Wrestling naked can be a lot of fun.