Considering dating again...

[widower2]

Repeat, considering... this is something I wondered if I'd ever do and have always had mixed feelings about. I don't think I'd feel guilty because I know she'd want me to if I felt the need, and after years of ungodly loneliness, yeah I'd say there's a need....and yet I have to wonder if I would feel guilty despite knowing it makes no sense. Further, I haven't had a "date" since 2000, so oh I'm a little rusty ya think? Basically I'm not sure anyone I'd be interested in would be interested in me. And just the whole dating, getting to know someone thing makes me want to wretch. 

I guess I'm mostly just babbling out loud, but wondering if anyone else has considered (or even done?) this, either near term or for those newer to this journey, farther down the road after you've had more of a chance to regroup. 

I even recently joined one of these dating sites just to see who's out there and how could I accurately portray myself.

ugh. What's on TV    

[foreverhis]

Oh, widower2, I think you're brave to even consider it!  I haven't been on a date since 1983 and the thought of going on one now is indeed enough to make me queasy.  Not because John would disapprove; not that our daughter would disapprove; not that the rest of the people we/I love would disapprove.  None of them would.  It's more that I still feel married and I'm not sure that will ever change.  From time to time over the past year or so, the idea has popped into my mind.  Then my heart says, "Are you insane?  I can't deal with that!"

You're right too that the idea of finding the right person, the right "fit" into the life I have now is daunting.  I was picky in dating by my early 20s because I had, as they say, "kissed enough frogs" in my teens.  I was never into casual sex, so that's a huge deal for me too.  I mean, John knew I wasn't a virgin when we married, but the few before him were long-term relationships that simply didn't work out over time.  Maybe I'd be good with just a platonic companion down the road, but I wonder how many men my age would (1) be interested and (2) be okay without that kind of intimacy.

We're old enough to come from a time before online dating, which seems to me to be a scary world.  That you've taken the first step is quite brave.  (I know I'm repeating myself, but that word simply fits.)  Yes, you'd be a little (or maybe a lot) rusty at dating and yes, it would be a challenge.  Still, women in our age group are more likely to have similar "standards" about what makes a good date.  Well, I would, so I guess I should only speak for myself.

Feel free to keep babbling!  As you know, this is the perfect place to babble.  And now, I think it's time for a less weighty subject...what's on TV?😉

[widower2]

lol FH. Thanks, but you give me more credit than I'm due as it has nothing to do with bravery. It has everything to do with loneliness...and I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but it sounds like I've had more experience in that than you (realizing that we've all had more than our share of course), having only met my love in 2000 and my dating experience before that being mostly a train wreck...and now having been without her slightly longer than we were together, which blows my mind.  I guess I'd resigned myself to an "alone again, naturally" (brownie points if you get that song reference) all these years but finally starting to feel like "well...wait a damn minute....this sucks" and actually thinking about acting on it vs just thinking about acting on it. 

As for online dating, while I'm not holding my breath, I think it beats the "old fashioned" way of bars or chance encounters or hoping to meet a friend of a friend/etc. You can find out more about someone up front. 

[widower2]

Update: omg y'all. If you are considering this, IMO do not waste time with eharmony.com. Their questionnaire appears to be written by someone in about oh 8th grade. I truly hope this isn't what our younger generations are coming to. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

What's on TV    

Nothing worth watching.

[shawnt]

I have had to break it down into smaller pieces. 

We aren't going to just be struck by lightning and fall in love. Meet some new people(most will be crazy or bitter or boring or all of the above) but maybe find a new friend or two to do some fun things with. If your really lucky, and remember how lucky it was to find our soul mate, so probably not, but if your lucky maybe. That's all it is , meet new friends, spend some time, look for the magic. Simple but not easy.

My notes on dating sites are pick age appropriate. You do not want to see what the young people are up to. Yuck.

Remember you can never replace what's lost and trying to do so is not fair to your heart or theirs + it is a dead end that won't work.

Now with that said . I agree it is very frightening.

[widower2]

I tend to feel people make their own luck. If someone is serious about wanting to get into a relationship, it's better to try and seek that out vs hoping you bump into the right person among the crowd (whether a crowd in general or among friends etc). Dating sites have their flaws, but IMO are generally still the best way to try and find someone as you can get information about them up front.

[goldberry]

I work with teenagers so second (third, fourth??) the feelings of horror about young people online.  It's gross to me but I believed the internet was a "fad" for 20 years 😊 til I realized it was here to stay.

I wish you good luck, Widower.  We can't have what we don't try for, and maybe as others have said, you'll make a new friend at thr least.  I landed in a relationship despite myself.  Its been both enriching and difficult.  I've had to learn when to ask for privacy to grieve and still fall into the trap of wishing for my beloved.  Either way, we're still here so whatever we chose to help us live life is something

[SSC]

Good luck Widower2.  I guess I’ve watched too many scary shows on Netflix about dating nightmares from the internet that I am reluctant to follow through with it.  The idea of creating a profile of myself turns my stomach.  Ugh!  Too much work!!  I am old school, I figure if I am “supposed” to meet someone it’ll happen in an organic way.  That way in my twisted mind I can tell myself my late husband had a hand in it and maybe it would feel “ right”.  Lol.  It’s been 5 years and it hasn’t happened yet… I guess I’m past my expiration date!  
 

Nowadays you really do need to use a dating site to meet any one.  My youngest daughter met her husband on Match.com.  The key is using the right site and having parameters.  Can they carry on an intelligent conversation?  Do they ask questions about you or is it all about them?  When you do meet make it somewhere neutral and generally drinks or coffee.  Go slow so you can always back out… you never know what you’re getting into.  

[shawnt]

You have to be open to at least the possibility wether on line or in person.

That's a decision we get to make for ourselves , I don't think there is a wrong answer it is what you feel is right for you now.

[widower2]

20 hours ago, widower2 said:

Update: omg y'all. If you are considering this, IMO do not waste time with eharmony.com. Their questionnaire appears to be written by someone in about oh 8th grade. I truly hope this isn't what our younger generations are coming to. 

Match.com is the same. And both demand you provide a phone number. Fail. 

Wow and check this! https://healthyframework.com/dating/review/match/

People don't seem too wowed by eharmony either:  https://www.consumeraffairs.com/dating_services/eharmony.html

[SSC]

Ugh!  So discouraging!  Not only are there scammers on the dating web site, the actual site scams YOU!  What a mess!

my sister-in-law works behind the scenes for Christian Mingle checking for fraud.  She’s been doing it for a long time and I’m sure has seen some crazy things!  Not too long ago she asked me if I thought about dating again and if so she’d help me out, you know with the online thing.  I told her since she was “in the know” maybe she could just do some vetting for me 😉 well, needless to say I haven’t heard a thing…😆

[AJ4]

Yeah, I have thought about trying to meet new people.   It does seem very daunting and dating apps are just a huge problem for me.  It makes me nervous thinking about sitting across the table from a stranger and trying to think of things to say.   I have fears about comparing anyone new to my husband and knowing they don't have a chance against memory, which is not fair to anyone.  I even had a dream recently where I went on a date and I blew it in very spectacular fashion, the details were specific and agonizing.  So bad in retrospect it was kind of funny.  
So while I'm just thinking about meeting people and not actually doing anything about it, I'm focusing on spending more quality time with a couple of close friends that I have.   
Some people  recommend to pick up a hobby that involves being in a group, or more formal social group, or a volunteer group.  Even if you don't find dates there you may find people that could become close friends.   Or you might find a special someone.  

 

[widower2]

If you're just looking to meet people generally, I suggest meetup.com. Not (repeat, not) a dating thing, just a way for people in any given area to form social groups of all kinds...they might be based on age, a hobby or certain activity (like movie goers or hikers etc) or other things. Sometimes there are even Widow/Widower groups. They typically cost very little if anything to join and there's no pressure...you see an event that interests you, go...if not, fine. 

[DWS]

15 hours ago, SSC said:

When you do meet make it somewhere neutral and generally drinks or coffee.  

One suggestion is to meet the person in a park or equivalent and go for a walk. This is how Tom and I met after a couple of weeks communicating online. Walking has its way of relieving some of the tension and awkwardness. While strolling, you're both looking straight ahead instead of staring at each other. My other suggestion is to be very honest about where life has taken you at this point and be aware of how much sincere interest the other person has in that. 

[Roxeanne]

It's a controversial wish...! On one hand i would like to find someone to share life with, on the other hand i don't want to make efforts, i get bored to listen their sad stories...not to mention scammers, or who seek "a purse or a nurse" ...😂

The dating sites are full of that humans specimen!

I dream the same easiness i had with my loved one, it was like two pieces that suddenly joyned...without efforts and only joy💕

I am terrified by the smallness of certain men, their lack of sense of humor, no interests at all!

Luckily i had 20 years of my life with a special man, a creative artist full of curiosity tenderness and that made me laugh almost all the time!

Certainly i want nothing less...or like we say in Italy: "meglio soli che male accompagnati!"

(Better alone than badly accompanied!)🙃

 

[KayC]

Not to mention there are a lot more women than men at this age...

[foreverhis]

On 10/24/2023 at 9:39 PM, widower2 said:

It has everything to do with loneliness...and I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but it sounds like I've had more experience in that than you (realizing that we've all had more than our share of course), having only met my love in 2000 and my dating experience before that being mostly a train wreck...and now having been without her slightly longer than we were together, which blows my mind. 

It didn't come out wrong at all.  I knew what you meant.  No doubt you are correct.  I sincerely hope I do not live long enough to have been without John longer than I was with him.  Contemplating 35 years (37, if you count from the time we met) is too much. 

You have been alone much longer than I, so no doubt that factors in too.  Loneliness is part of the burden we carry, regardless of how long it's been, but I suspect the more time that passes, the heavier the weight.

On 10/24/2023 at 9:39 PM, widower2 said:

As for online dating, while I'm not holding my breath, I think it beats the "old fashioned" way of bars or chance encounters or hoping to meet a friend of a friend/etc. You can find out more about someone up front.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

If you're just looking to meet people generally, I suggest meetup.com. Not (repeat, not) a dating thing, just a way for people in any given area to form social groups of all kinds...they might be based on age, a hobby or certain activity (like movie goers or hikers etc) or other things.

Yuck to the "old fashioned" way.  I never went to bars or clubs, except with groups of friends for an evening out or to burn off post-performance energy after a show.  And chance encounters happen rarely in real life, at least as far as I can tell.  They do happen, but I wouldn't count on it.

The only places I ever found a man to get to know and date or, in that one special case, to marry involved my avocations of music, theater, and the arts in general.  From high school onward, I only ever spent time with boys and men who had interests similar to mine.  I suspect meetup.com would have been more to my taste than any online dating site.

8 hours ago, DWS said:

One suggestion is to meet the person in a park or equivalent and go for a walk. This is how Tom and I met after a couple of weeks communicating online. Walking has its way of relieving some of the tension and awkwardness. While strolling, you're both looking straight ahead instead of staring at each other. My other suggestion is to be very honest about where life has taken you at this point and be aware of how much sincere interest the other person has in that. 

That's an excellent idea, IMO.  If you're in a public place and not confined to a table at a cafe or something like that, you'd feel freer to talk with less "we're on a date" pressure.

8 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Certainly i want nothing less...or like we say in Italy: "meglio soli che male accompagnati!"

(Better alone than badly accompanied!)🙃

Absolutely!  After our daughter's fiance decided he "didn't want to be a father after all," she didn't date for years.  Once our granddaughter was school age, she dated a few times, but simply wouldn't settle for anyone less than "a man as good as my dad."  Now she's mostly happily single, though she admits that she misses having a partner at times, because she's comfortable in who she is and does not feel the need to be with someone just so she's not alone, especially not after "the sperm donor," who does pay his child support as required, and one man several years ago she reconnected with at a high school reunion.  He lives a few hours from John and me, so after a number of months, our daughter decided that yes, she and our granddaughter would visit for a weekend.  Well, I woke at 6 am of their second day to a phone call and a sad, angry voice saying, "[Granddaughter] and I need to get out of here.  Can we come to you and daddy right now?"  Of course they could.  I won't go into the disaster that man turned out to be in his home environment, but suffice to say he had hidden it well on his many visits up to them.  She's never dated seriously since.

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Not to mention there are a lot more women than men at this age...

Well, that's certainly true.  Many of them (not the ones here, mind you) are looking for a younger woman.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

After our daughter's fiance decided he "didn't want to be a father after all," she didn't date for years.  Once our granddaughter was school age, she dated a few times, but simply wouldn't settle for anyone less than "a man as good as my dad."  Now she's mostly happily single, though she admits that she misses having a partner at times, because she's comfortable in who she is and does not feel the need to be with someone just so she's not alone, especially not after "the sperm donor," who does pay his child support as required, and one man several years ago she reconnected with at a high school reunion.  He lives a few hours from John and me, so after a number of months, our daughter decided that yes, she and our granddaughter would visit for a weekend.  Well, I woke at 6 am of their second day to a phone call and a sad, angry voice saying, "[Granddaughter] and I need to get out of here.  Can we come to you and daddy right now?"  Of course they could.  I won't go into the disaster that man turned out to be in his home environment, but suffice to say he had hidden it well on his many visits up to them.  She's never dated seriously since.

That's sad, I'm sorry to hear that. No matter how well one tries to "screen" people and go in with both eyes open, you just never for sure what the person is ultimately until much later. It takes time to get to know, really know, someone. I'm at least glad she found out (somewhat) sooner vs later on that second guy, i.e. like years down the road when she had a lot more invested. I knew someone like that (I guess many of us do)...her first husband was ex-military and used to moving every few years and all but insisted on it, which she tried to roll with but when you start having kids and raising a family, that doesn't cut it. Then after getting divorced she also got re-acquainted with an old HS flame and they ended up getting married...and he ended up being an alcoholic.

Anyway, I found out that all the dating sites basically are dicey trust-wise and appear to mostly suck generally-wise. And tbh what I saw of the available women was more than a little depressing. Maybe I'll buy a dog.   

[KayC]

I didn't meet my husband through friends or online.  We met because he responded to a letter I wrote to the editor and we just clicked from the very beginning.  What are the odds of that!  I think we were fated to meet.  I found out after we were married that we used to live within a few miles of each other, again, what are the odds!

[RichS]

I’ve mentioned it on this board before, so forgive me for repeating. If I ever started dating again I would constantly be comparing this lady (whoever she is) with Chris. Not fair to her. For those of us old to remember the old song, “I can’t stop loving you” by Ray Charles. Tear jerker of a song, but it kind of sums up my thoughts on this.
 

That being said, I admire  those of you considering dating again. Based on the responses, it sounds like you would be careful if you decided to dip your toe into the water, which would be smart.

widower2:  The song, “Alone again, naturally” was sung by Gilbert O’Sullivan back in 1972, I believe.

Finally, I’ll end my two cents with this story: Chris would sometimes ask me if I would remarry if she passed away. I would always answer no. When I asked her the same Question, she would always say, “Rich, after being married to you, why would I want to get married again? Take it either way.”  

[KayC]

3 hours ago, RichS said:

“Rich, after being married to you, why would I want to get married again? Take it either way.”  

I'm sure she meant it in a good way.  💖

3 hours ago, RichS said:

“I can’t stop loving you” by Ray Charles

That song is gut wrenching even after all these years.

[Nancy2]

On 10/24/2023 at 8:48 PM, widower2 said:

Repeat, considering... this is something I wondered if I'd ever do and have always had mixed feelings about. I don't think I'd feel guilty because I know she'd want me to if I felt the need, and after years of ungodly loneliness, yeah I'd say there's a need....and yet I have to wonder if I would feel guilty despite knowing it makes no sense. Further, I haven't had a "date" since 2000, so oh I'm a little rusty ya think? Basically I'm not sure anyone I'd be interested in would be interested in me. And just the whole dating, getting to know someone thing makes me want to wretch. 

I guess I'm mostly just babbling out loud, but wondering if anyone else has considered (or even done?) this, either near term or for those newer to this journey, farther down the road after you've had more of a chance to regroup. 

I even recently joined one of these dating sites just to see who's out there and how could I accurately portray myself.

ugh. What's on TV    

My girlfriend has been a widow a little over two years, and she just got a "boyfriend."  She goes to a couple of restaurants for happy hours and met him at one of the restaurants.  He has been a widow for a year.  I have zero interest in meeting anybody else yet.  I lost my husband a little over 6 months ago, and I'm still waiting for him to come back.  You know, he couldn't be gone permanently, could he????  That wouldn't make any sense at all.  But I did look into a meetup widows' group and if I feel like it, I will meet them for dinner soon.  I have a lot of friends, but It is quality not quantity, so I would like to meet other people in my situation.

 

[widower2]

8 hours ago, RichS said:

widower2:  The song, “Alone again, naturally” was sung by Gilbert O’Sullivan back in 1972, I believe.

Give the man a gold star...

 

1 hour ago, Nancy2 said:

My girlfriend has been a widow a little over two years, and she just got a "boyfriend."  She goes to a couple of restaurants for happy hours and met him at one of the restaurants.  He has been a widow for a year.  

I have often thought that would be the ideal person generally speaking, someone else who "gets it." 

[SSC]

@widower2 this is why I ended up with a dog.  Strangely enough, after one rainy day talking to my home/auto insurance guy  I had the  epiphany that nothing was going to change for me unless I made it happen.  I have been “waiting” for five years and nothing has fallen into my life so far.  The easiest and most logical step would be an animal.  I do not work but I go out a few times a week with my sisters and friends.  It’s the crushing loneliness at home that is difficult for me.  So far my new puppy has help immensely with my depression, ptsd of my husband’s suicide, and the bitter loneliness.  However it was an adjustment!  I thought an eight month old rehomed puppy would be easier but… not so much…just different.

Now I take her on long walks and who knows?  Maybe I’ll meet someone when I’m out and about. I try and take her most places with me.  she’s very social and that way I don’t feel so alone.

[widower2]

A pet can definitely make a diff...it's just nice to have another heartbeat in the house. As for meeting someone, like you said, nothing's likely to happen unless you make it happen. I've never agreed with the "if it's meant to be it'll be" thing. But for now, I've decided not to make it happen. That may change though... 

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, RichS said:

she would always say, “Rich, after being married to you, why would I want to get married again? Take it either way.”

What a wonderful sense of humor she had!  That's so important, don't you think?  I don't think I could ever have married a man who didn't make me laugh.  John had that 100%, even when I didn't want him to.  I'd be irritated about some little thing and he'd say something funny.  I'd laugh and then "scowl" saying, "You just ruined a perfectly good snit!"  He'd do his cute smirk and say, "Yes.  I know." And then we'd both laugh.  I miss that so much.

[RichS]

28 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

What a wonderful sense of humor she had!

She married me, didn't she?? 

[KayC]

My dog is my life and heartbeat!  Panther rates in there too, but not like Kodie, he is amazing.  Sunday after Praise Team practice, my pastor turned to me and said, Kodie was made for you he's just perfect!  Yes, he sure is.  In so many ways.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

What a wonderful sense of humor she had!  That's so important, don't you think?  

I definitely do. I think I was good at that, making her laugh. Sometimes it was even on purpose. 

[shawnt]

After a few false starts I have decided to limit myself to widows. We share an emotional language and they seem to more easily understand my weaknesses. I have found I am much softer and emotional than I used to be( I choke up for music, happy endings , babies etc.) I thought I would regrow that shell but I think this is my new state. Widows know all to well and I in turn know when they feel that ache. If we can't be romantic at least I can offer comfort and understanding and we all need more of that in our lives.

[Roxeanne]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't think I could ever have married a man who didn't make me laugh. 

It's the same for me! I miss that laughs so much, the words cannot explain ...😔

[foreverhis]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

My dog is my life and heartbeat!  Panther rates in there too, but not like Kodie, he is amazing.  Sunday after Praise Team practice, my pastor turned to me and said, Kodie was made for you he's just perfect!  Yes, he sure is.  In so many ways.

Definitely. I often think that your Kodie and my Cosi came into our lives not just by happenstance.

I have mentioned several times that she was not the cat I was looking for. With other young ones, I was able to spend time just for the pleasure of it and to help get them ready for their forever homes. There was one 8 month old I very nearly brought home with me, but I was determined to adopt an older cat (4-8 years old).  I helped her and she found her perfect new human mom.

 I truly intended to go meet 1 year old then named Cozi, who had been abandoned and somewhat neglected, just so I could say hello and move on. She was shy and reticent and overlooked because of her trauma. I figured the only way to get her out of my mind was to make the nearly hour long drive and be done with it.

When I said hello, she poked out from her protective blankets and claimed me almost immediately. Two hours later, I was a bit shocked that we were on our way home. And 3 weeks later, as she was flying around her new home getting into mischief and driving me crazy, I asked John, “You had something to do with this, didn’t you?” I believe he told “the powers that be” that I didn’t need a mature, sedate cat who would give me a reason to blob on the sofa even more and hide away. It was as if Heaven sent me the girl I needed, not the one I planned on or expected.

For now and maybe forever, she’s enough to keep me going and keep my faith in life and love alive.

[KayC]

I had been looking for one at least a year old who would be house trained...didn't even look for Klee Kai as they'e hard to find and so expensive...I was blown away when my son found one two miles from his little known obscure town!  The rest is history, my natural born service dog, so sweet!

[GaryAllen]

Well, I've been widowed just a few years and engaged again.  I was married 28 and we were together 30.  She was my world and not a second goes by I don't miss her.  But yes, it is tough getting out there and all the emotions will course through your head and I don't know if they ever stop.  I was a faithful husband so even in widowhood I still get occasional feelings of guilt/shame, totally irrational but hard to retrain your mindset after that long.   So I'd just say don't be shocked if you feel those things occasionally, just stay sane and rational for your partners sake.  As for the dating "scene" I have no clue.  I didn't like those dating sites/platforms, etc.  Most of them seemed fraudulent with occasional real people on there, everybody embellishing or outright lying so what's the use.    I'd stick with the tried and true and just start doing your thing and talking with people again.  I tried to force myself and made a HUGE mistake early on, and reached into my past to rekindle a 'childhood' sweetheart relationship--well, 38 years is a long and sufficient time for someone to develop psychological disorders, enough said.   There's a reason it's called a past and not a present.  In the end, my oldest best friend set me up on a phone call "get to know you" date with her neighbor a couple doors down.   Our first conversation was over 4 hours.   I ended up selling everything, moved, changed jobs and haven't looked back.  There are days I'm scared to death of what I've done but I remember it feels good to feel that way again, like I did 30 years before I laid my sweet wife to rest.  Life was meant to be lived and there's no shame or guilt in that.  

[KayC]

No guilt at all.  It's one's preference is all.

[shawnt]

Thank you for the hope Gary.

[AJ4]

I have 6 dogs and they are very good companions.  However, it's not the same as having a human being there for you.  

[KayC]

On 10/24/2023 at 6:48 PM, widower2 said:

I haven't had a "date" since 2000, so oh I'm a little rusty ya think?

Sure they'd be interested! With your sense of humor!  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  I might try but I have had such bad luck with it all my life, basically the only one out of MANY major relationships that ever loved me and treated me right was George, but it wasn't just that, we clicked from the very beginning.  It was amazing...and then as luck would have it, he died.  He was my person and I his.  I'm okay alone.  I have my memories and they were enough to last a lifetime.  But if someone is wishing for someone, they should make it happen, imo.

[RichS]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

I haven't had a "date" since 2000, so oh I'm a little rusty ya think?

I haven't had one since 1978. A little rusty??? No...............A fossil??? Yes!! 

Back then I wore bell-bottoms, had long sideburns, was as skinny as a rail, had a lot more hair, waxed my car every two months, had disposable income, was earning 10% on a CD, lived with Mom and Dad and too many other minor things to mention. Come to think of it,  the 1978 Rich would have to go on a date with the 2023 Rich just to get acquainted with myself!! 

 

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

 I have my memories and they were enough to last a lifetime.  But if someone is wishing for someone, they should make it happen.

This sums up the way I'm living................Kudos to anyone that wants to venture out into the dating scene, again. It's a personal choice.

[KayC]

That wasn't me, it was a quote from widower2.

[RichS]

13 minutes ago, KayC said:

That wasn't me, it was a quote from widower2

Yes, I know. I just got lazy rather than to search for it. Good quote, though.

[Nancy2]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

That wasn't me, it was a quote from widower2.

When I read responses, unless the writer directs the response to a particular person,  I have no idea who they are talking to.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Sure they'd be interested! With your sense of humor!  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  I might try but I have had such bad luck with it all my life, basically the only one out of MANY major relationships that ever loved me and treated me right was George, but it wasn't just that, we clicked from the very beginning.  It was amazing...and then as luck would have it, he died.  He was my person and I his.  I'm okay alone.  I have my memories and they were enough to last a lifetime.  But if someone is wishing for someone, they should make it happen, imo.

Very kind of you Kay.   I've had insanely bad luck too. I've shelved the idea for now. One day maybe -

[Nancy2]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

Very kind of you Kay.   I've had insanely bad luck too. I've shelved the idea for now. One day maybe -

I am not ready at all yet.  It has only been 7 months for me, and I still cry every day.  I still can't believe it.  It's like I'm shot with a stun gun a few times a day, especially in the middle of the night and early morning.  Then I pull myself together and go on.  But I was talking with an old friend last night, and she started dating only two months after her husband died because her philosophy is that life is for the living and meant to be lived.  My mother-in-law said that too, and she remarried a year after her husband died.  I don't know.  I live my life in other ways right now.  Dating just doesn't sound good to me.  When a man talks to me, if it seems like a flirt, I get a tightness in my stomach and later on after the talk is over, I feel sick to my stomach.

[RichS]

20 minutes ago, Nancy2 said:

I live my life in other ways right now.  Dating just doesn't sound good to me.  When a man talks to me, if it seems like a flirt, I get a tightness in my stomach and later on after the talk is over, I feel sick to my stomach.

It's a personal choice with no time frame (kind of like grieving). Friends and family may have their opinions. That's fine. Yours is what matters the most.

[Alisond]

I've actually dipped my toes in the dating pool.

I am having trouble with it. Met a nice man online but  apparently just couldn't deal with the reality of dating again. I  felt like an awkward teenager, unsure; convinced that no one would ever love me again ( or if I could love again.) So of course I blew that. Overthinking it all.

It also brought up  all sorts of sadness

And while I like the "idea" of dating, the reality doesn't seem possible right now.

My husband of 20 years passed away unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. And I am still processing it.

And Widower2, I can relate. Dating now is sooo different than it was in 2000. The dating site Our Time is what I was on. I really dislike the whole matchmaker thing. And no results. By my age, I can decide who I want to date.

Will probably let it alone for now.

 

 

[KayC]

Welcome here!
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Alisond:  Welcome to our board! Here you'll find sympathetic people who understand your grieving. I lost my wife 15 months ago after being married for 42 years. I along with other folks on this board get what you're going through. 

As for dating, I have no desire to date either now or in the future; but that's me. You may not feel comfortable dating right now and that's fine. You'll know when the time is right for you. Others will give you their opinions; but your decision is what matters the most. 

[widower2]

16 hours ago, Alisond said:

And Widower2, I can relate. Dating now is sooo different than it was in 2000. The dating site Our Time is what I was on. I really dislike the whole matchmaker thing. And no results. By my age, I can decide who I want to date.

I don't have a problem with the online matching up concept itself, but the sites themselves seem to have changed for the worse...some of the questions they ask in their little questionnaire are frankly stupid and some more sensible ones they never ask. That plus when I saw the list of available women, frankly I saw very few that I might be interested in. Also I'm not wild about them requiring my phone number as well as date of birth (I always lied just slightly)..."age" should be more than enough. In short, I don't trust them.