Who am I?

[Boggled]

This question of "who am I?" has been impacting me lately.  I'm about 15-1/2 months "after" now, and am getting to where the sorrow and crying are only a couple or a few times a day.  

Walking around my solitary house, going out and looking at the stars at night (alone except for the kittens), I try to think of something I want.  I had been getting on Amazon and just reading reviews, on books, and on other things, and at one point bought a solar system with a couple 100-watt panels and clever arrangement of smallish batteries ... but the box arrived, and I haven't even opened it.  In the beginning of all this I was more hopeful, bought a decent bicycle, but then riding it on our dirt road, I thought "what if I fell and hurt myself?  Nobody to help!"  Bought a kayak! (big purchase for me!) and found a couple to kayak with on our nearby river, but the "she" of the couple got upset the second time we kayaked, (I think she was jealous that her husband helped drag my kayak over shallow spots , etc ... ) which I can totally understand because I've been there, done that.  ... no more kayaking.  Bought a telescope ... you can attach your phone to it to take photos!  Never opened the box.  sheesh.  Enuff of this, I'm realizing.  

One thing I bought, wanted to make a macrame plant holder, got on eBay and bought a whole lot of macrame cord ... I DID macrame an old metal baseball catcher into a "thing for beans to climb on" for the garden.  And I have an old metal chair frame I want to macrame a seat for;  I think macrame is about as hard as I'm up to right now.  I've read you can regain confidence from starting out doing things you will succeed at, that aren't too hard, and aren't too easy, if they're something you have to work at but not too hard, bit by bit you'll get confidence back.  

I like vegetable gardening.  Last summer I'd dug about a 20' square area, when my sons came they helped get the tiller running, rake up leaves, till the leaves and some compost I'd made into the garden, did the "hugelkulture" thing where you bury logs under the dirt.   We have a really old pond surrounded by trees quite a ways away from the house;  I set up a pulley to attach to the riding lawnmower, to fill up the lawnmower-cart with sludge from the pond, with rope attached to it, use the lawnmower to drag the cart up the steepish slope from the pond, then hook cart to lawnmower and ride back with cart full of pond sludge for the garden.  Which one of my visiting sons helped with and got so interested in, he pulled more and more carts full of sludge, until the hookup on the back of the lawnmower broke.  hahahaha.  (that's another thing happening with me lately;  I'm laughing at things!  ... it feels good!)  Anyway, gardening has been "my thing" for more than 15 years, I like it, lately I've been telling the late-planted okra, "grow!"  Because fresh veggies are hard to come by when you don't have a car as I've got another month to go till one I'd ordered comes in!  Anyway, there's vegetable gardening ... that is "me."  

Who AM I?  I'm retired, have time galore!  I live in a very rural area in the back of beyond.   What's going to happen in the (maybe years?) time to come?   

I told myself day before yesterday, "start some braids for the bottom of the chair TOMORROW," but yesterday I looked at that metal frame again and didn't do it.  Needs more planning.  I need to cut off the remaining plastic slats left on the seat bottom ... but that was Steve's chair ... but it had fallen apart before he died, got set out and forgotten, I CAN do this.  I CAN.  Who am I?  I'm a huge "rememberer."  That's another "who" I am.  

[ThereIsAField]

Yeah, the loss of identity has been a really shocking part of grief for me.

I feel like the old "me" died with him and now there's this new me but I don't know who she is and I don't know how to be her.

I keep trying to be the old "me" but it doesn't work.

I don't know if part of the problem is that I've felt like the old me "shouldn't" have gone... I didn't know that grief could change your sense of identity... Like probably everyone here, I'd experienced losses and grief previously too, but of a smaller scale and those griefs didn't change my sense of identity, so I think I assumed that that was how it was meant to be and that by allowing this bigger grief to change my sense of identity, I was failing somehow, it was a sign of weakness that I couldn't hold onto "myself"... So I think I've struggled and fought it, and tried to stop it from happening, which has probably made the process needlessly messy and painful.

I don't know how to accept/ feel comfortable with this loss of an old sense of identity and having to wait until a new identity "grows" into place... Like a big old tree being felled by a storm... and now there's a new tree shoot... a tiny green little thing... and it bears no comparison to the big old sturdy tree and I can't get used to the difference.

[KayC]

I'm finding with each passing year it's more of a struggle just to survive, I'm not talking kayaking or anything fun and adventurous, I'm talking hauling/stacking wood, keeping up around the place, shoveling snow, tech stuff, defrosting the freezer...

[Boggled]

KayC!  tech stuff!  oh my goodness, every night I bring the TV remote into my bedroom which I keep closed off from the kittens ... heaven help me if something happened to that remote!  I turn the TV on at 6:00 pm but don't watch it mostly.  But shoot, "tech stuff" was my husband's forte.  Not mine!  I've been 20 years relying on him to do any tech stuff.  

29 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

I don't know if part of the problem is that I've felt like the old me "shouldn't" have gone... I didn't know that grief could change your sense of identity... Like probably everyone here, I'd experienced losses and grief previously too, but of a smaller scale and those griefs didn't change my sense of identity, so I think I assumed that that was how it was meant to be and that by allowing this bigger grief to change my sense of identity, I was failing somehow, it was a sign of weakness that I couldn't hold onto "myself"... So I think I've struggled and fought it, and tried to stop it from happening, which has probably made the process needlessly messy and painful.

I don't know how to accept/ feel comfortable with this loss of an old sense of identity and having to wait until a new identity "grows" into place... Like a big old tree being felled by a storm... and now there's a new tree shoot... a tiny green little thing... and it bears no comparison to the big old sturdy tree and I can't get used to the difference.

Me too, experienced losses and grief previously, but of a smaller scale and those griefs didn't change my sense of identity either.  I was still strong, still had my mojo, still had my "other half!"   Now I'm a half, and a lesser half at that.  "what is the sound of one hand clapping?"  kind of like me without my husband!

I haven't even worried about signs of weakness.  I KNOW I'm weak.  I STILL have to "carry on," even with this emptiness that is the "me" that related everything to "him."   I did a few things on my own, out of my own will ... gardening was a big one.  I would bring him a fresh-picked stalk of asparagus, and he didn't really want it ... ... ... (hahahahahaha!  ... hurt my feelings at the time, but ... now, that's one bit of "me" that I carried on with BEFORE, that I still have now, AFTER.

[Boggled]

and KayC, hauling/stacking wood!  that is HEAVY.  I avoid it as much as I can.  We have an old woodpile.  I used some out of the middle of it, rotted into shards, to start the "hugelkulture" under dirt in the garden.  I hope you have some help with the wood ... you live in a colder area than I do, so I'm guessing you supplement whatever other source of heat you have with a woodstove(?) ... but with your hands ... and I KNOW that wood is heavy.   I really hope somebody can help you with that.

[KayC]

My only heat aside from my wood stove is a portable heater, keeps me from freezing this time of year only.  No I don't have help, I rely on myself.  It's very hard to make the sharp turn with the wheelbarrow on my 40' ramp, on ice it's even harder.

[Gail 8588]

I still have mind games with "Who am I?"

In my youth I was one member of a very close-knit family of five.  We were a complete unit, self-sufficient and happy. I belonged. 

Then I married a man who had 100+ close friends, was brilliant and admired widely. I was "John's wife".

For a few years when our son was a high school football star we were recognized as his parents. Busboys and waiters at all the local eateries would announce to their co-workers 'these are Sam's parents'. That was fun for me and John. 

But now I am alone, retired, living an unremarkable life. There is no 'star' that I am associated with. 

I have gotten used to just being me, unnoticed and unknown to most. But it is still sort of an odd feeling. I used to "be somebody" just by association.  Occasionally I am still  recognized as John's wife, but those are getting fewer and fewer. Understandably. 

I am okay with just being an old lady who lives alone. I do my best to be a good friend, a supportive mom/grandma. I try to be kind.  But I am nobody of any importance, and that's okay.  It just feels different because for forty years I lived with someone who actually was important.

Gail

[Boggled]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

My only heat aside from my wood stove is a portable heater, keeps me from freezing this time of year only.  No I don't have help, I rely on myself.  It's very hard to make the sharp turn with the wheelbarrow on my 40' ramp, on ice it's even harder.

KayC, I have a little green plastic wagon about 3' long, maybe 1-3/4' wide, $5 at a garage sale long ago.   I love it!  It's also lightweight, olde Fisher-Price, I think.  Plastic wheels that have held up for many years!   We'd bought a kind of little cart at Aldi's, too, on little wheels, that I can wheel out onto our front deck, load with wood, and wheel inside, though it wouldn't work on grass, dirt, or snow.  Just a thought.

[Boggled]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am okay with just being an old lady who lives alone. I do my best to be a good friend, a supportive mom/grandma. I try to be kind.  But I am nobody of any importance, and that's okay.  It just feels different because for forty years I lived with someone who actually was important.

That must be a loss right there.  It's different from what I'm dealing with;  for me, it's that we did EVERYTHING together, so that "sound of one hand clapping" (which had just occurred to me), is pretty relevant to how I'm feeling.  But no longer being recognized as a sort of "adjunct to a star" ... is kind of like my grandmother, whose husband, my grandfather, was an inventor, and always ran the show when he was alive, and we would go to visit.   One of the things I've thought, in this past 15 months, is of the many times I used to walk to or from school, right past her house, and didn't visit her, after my grandfather had passed.   Kids live in their own world.  But you're important, Gail 8588, in yourself.  I believe that!

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Boggled said:

KayC, I have a little green plastic wagon about 3' long, maybe 1-3/4' wide, $5 at a garage sale long ago.   I love it!  It's also lightweight, olde Fisher-Price, I think.  Plastic wheels that have held up for many years!   We'd bought a kind of little cart at Aldi's, too, on little wheels, that I can wheel out onto our front deck, load with wood, and wheel inside, though it wouldn't work on grass, dirt, or snow.  Just a thought.

lt wouldn't work getting it up here on the deck where I need it, if my wheelbarrow is hard, there's nothing else that would work, but am considering having that rail cut back so I can make the turn easier.  Wheelbarrows when you lift the back end, rest on one tire, can't get much easier than that, it's just that the guy that built this ramp wasn't thinking.

[shawnt]

The hardest part to figure out: Who am I now? Who do I want to be?

[ThereIsAField]

I don't know if y'all have heard of "post-traumatic growth"...

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/post-traumatic-growth-finding-meaning-and-creativity-in-adversity/

This isn't just some glib "find the silver lining" thing...

It's really about your whole world being smashed to pieces and about somehow... taking the pieces and combining them to make something bigger than what you initially were, to encompass the life-changing experience too... I think it's a spiritual process, in some regards... in that you have to draw upon strength you didn't even know you had...

For example, Nelson Mandela being imprisoned and him not just "bearing" that burden, but taking it as inspiration to turn his life into something that changed the world.

Or "Kintsugi" the Japanese artform of repairing broken pottery with gold seams, making the result both more precious and more beautiful than the original (unbroken) vessel

Akin to this is Leonard Cohen's lyrics "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in"

I do sort of hope to get there eventually... and sometimes I do see glimpses of it... that I'm becoming a better, deeper person for having gone through loss...

But often, all I see are the broken shards... and all I think is "it'll never be like before"

[Sar123]

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have gotten used to just being me, unnoticed and unknown to most

This is where I’m at. My husband was the flame that people were drawn to and now without him around, I’ve faded into the background. A friend of mine who lost her husband 4 years ago said we live in a “couples world,” and I find that to be true. When you’re no longer a “couple,” life changes  and old friends eventually can start excluding you from functions since you’re no longer a couple (this has been happening to me). I also have no desire to be a couple again. My husband is irreplaceable and I’m good with that. 
 

Finding meaning in life is where I’m struggling right now. It’s hard to find joy in anything. If I do, it’s just for a moment and then I remember I can no longer share that happiness with him. I thought I was doing better, but once again, when the sun goes down, sadness hits me like a Mack truck. I don’t know how to handle this overwhelming sadness I get at night. 

[DWS]

54 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

I don't know if y'all have heard of "post-traumatic growth"...

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/post-traumatic-growth-finding-meaning-and-creativity-in-adversity/

Thanks for the link. It's interesting to read this sort of thing in Scientific American. This was particularly noteworthy...

"A key factor that allows us to turn adversity into advantage is the extent to which we fully explore our thoughts and feelings surrounding the event"

and also...

"To be sure, many of the steps that lead to growth after trauma go against our natural inclinations to avoid extremely uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. However, it’s only through shedding our natural defense mechanisms and approaching the discomfort head on, viewing everything as fodder for growth, that we can start to embrace the inevitable paradoxes of life and come to a more nuanced view of reality."

This is why sites like the one we're on are so essential. They help us explore our thoughts, observations and emotions with others who are in the same mindset or, as I now refer to it, those speaking our lingo. This is our safespace. Unlike our families and friends around us, our minds here are continually focused on our loss, their absence, what once was, and the concerns of the road ahead. We're not able to shake this thing. It's basically who we are right now and that's pretty well how it's got to be for now. This place is where we can inevitably grow without intrusion and pressure...like a butterfly from its cocoon. 

For myself, I like putting my trust into what author/psychologist/philosopher Thomas Moore wrote in his book "Care Of The Soul" about living within the tension...not putting too much emphasis on an action of change. Basically, letting it be. I'll be whoever that process creates. 

[Boggled]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

lt wouldn't work getting it up here on the deck where I need it, if my wheelbarrow is hard, there's nothing else that would work, but am considering having that rail cut back so I can make the turn easier.  Wheelbarrows when you lift the back end, rest on one tire, can't get much easier than that, it's just that the guy that built this ramp wasn't thinking.

One thing I as "me" have learned, is that wheelbarrows are doggone TIPPY.  "personally" I as "me" prefer 4 nice balanced wheels!  but tough wheels, 'cause wheels also have a way of going flat!  BUT of course YOU as YOU like your wheelbarrow?  In the interest of survival, if cutting back a rail can make the turn so you have wood so you don't freeze this winter, then ... do you have a saw???   ... yeah you gotta have a saw.  

[Boggled]

Well we're not doing "experiential avoidance," by coming to this site to write about our experiences.  

[Boggled]

 From that article:  

"Instead of trying everything we can to inhibit or “self-regulate” those emotions, experiential avoidance—avoiding feared thoughts, feelings, and sensations—paradoxically makes things worse, reinforcing our belief that the world is not safe and making it more difficult to pursue valued long-term goals. Through experiential avoidance, we shut down our exploratory capacities, thereby missing out on many opportunities for generating positive experiences and meaning."

So we're writing about these experiences.  Not avoiding thinking about them.  So.  Good.  

[DWS]

16 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Well we're not doing "experiential avoidance," by coming to this site to write about our experiences.  

"Experiental avoidance" would be taking the advice of a friend of mine who naively proposed that I just think of the good times to get me though this. Sounds easy-peasy to those who haven't experienced devastating loss. The emotional pain is still excruciating at times but avoiding it isn't the solution. 

[Jemiga70]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

[...] not putting too much emphasis on an action of change. Basically, letting it be. I'll be whoever that process creates.

THIS resonates with me, only I need the patience and trust to go with it.  When I lose something I immediately go on a frantic search for it.  I'm not the guy I was 17 years ago nor am I a husband now.  My monkey mind wages war on me every day to hurry up and "get over" this grief, to figure out who I am now, to figure out what to do next and how to be the New Me that I need to be to "get on" with my life.  My intuitive self knows that's ridiculous and unrealistic, that it's not as simple as that; nevetheless it's a war fought daily.

[DWS]

23 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

to figure out what to do next and how to be the New Me that I need to be to "get on" with my life. 

Probably the more important question for all of us is "do I want to be a new me?" For me personally, I don't. I want to be the same person that my partner liked and fell in love with. 😢

[shawnt]

I also fight myself. I am doer(or was) and I want to push through, but I don't know what I am pushing to. I do know this, I can not live in this kind of pain.

I mourn her loss and the whole miserable end, and I miss her and somehow I have to make a life I can live with .

[KayC]

7 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

Or "Kintsugi" the Japanese artform of repairing broken pottery with gold seams, making the result both more precious and more beautiful than the original (unbroken) vessel

Kintsukuroi means ‘to repair with gold’ in Japanese, and is the art of repairing pottery with gold and understanding that the piece is the more beautiful for having been broken.

[Gail 8588]

11 hours ago, Sar123 said:

. . .  Finding meaning in life is where I’m struggling right now. It’s hard to find joy in anything. If I do, it’s just for a moment and then I remember  . . .

Sar123, 

I think many, most, maybe all, of us struggle with this inability to find any joy in life after our partner dies.  It takes time to find your place in this new world. I felt dead for over 3 years. I thought I was losing my mind. In my 4th year I slowly came back to living, feeling emotions again.  Now at 6 and a half years, I am a real person again. 

I think most people find their way back to life more quickly than I did, so don't be discouraged by how long it took me. You will have your own path. 

Gail

[shawnt]

Thank you for the hope.

[Boggled]

20 hours ago, Sar123 said:

It’s hard to find joy in anything. If I do, it’s just for a moment and then I remember I can no longer share that happiness with him.

That's happening to me too.  It was part of who I used to be, the bouncing back and forth of the reaction to any experience, with each other.  

18 hours ago, DWS said:

Probably the more important question for all of us is "do I want to be a new me?" For me personally, I don't. I want to be the same person that my partner liked and fell in love with. 😢

Trying to be that "same person that my partner liked and fell in love with" was who I was TRYING to be, by buying a bike and a kayak, and even though my husband wasn't "into" alternative energy, when I bought that solar panel system, it was a sort of "defiance" of my husband's non-belief in solar!  It was still relating to him, even though it was something I knew he wouldn't have liked, it was still RELATING to what I know he would have thought!  I USED TO BE a person who wanted to do fun physical things, and knew I could put together some solar panels into their system (that came with instructions!) ... and in its way it's been a sort of waste, because when they did arrive, I didn't even open the box (I DID open the bike box, and I DID put the bike together myself!  which was one of those things that give you confidence, but ... now I don't RIDE it.)  I guess these purchases and explorations of "who am I now" have at least shown me, pushed me, forced me, into recognizing, I am not that old person!  I'm different now, I'm not the same as I was!  So now I'm more at this place you're trying to be at, Jemiga70, just sitting and BEING and thinking ... and typing.   It's good to have THIS place to discuss with others! 

 

15 hours ago, shawnt said:

I do know this, I can not live in this kind of pain.

YES.   Finally, finally, for me, the PAIN isn't nearly so bad ... still have memories, triggers, crying spells, but the EXTREME PAIN is not nearly as bad as it was for SOOOO LONG.   Whatever helped that, if it was just time, or believing Steve is still capable of being here, and is being here sometimes at least even though I can't sense him, whatEVER it was, that huge PAIN ... was the biggest thing I WANTED to stop.    

[Boggled]

I think the idea that our consciousness is not entirely physical, not "of this world," has helped me too.  

I find myself believing that.  I DID feel my husband after he was no longer in his physical body!  that was one of the boggling things that really amazed, surprised, freaked, blew me away.  

Dr. Eben Alexander has some stuff about our consciousness NOT being physical.  oh yeah, people try to "debunk" it, there are forces in this world that don't benefit from that idea somehow??  but me, I think he's right.  AND I think my Steve's consciousness DOES carry on;  in the early months, I FELT him!!!!!   

[Boggled]

insofar as this "non-physical" part,  this thread got moved onto another part of this board, but here's a link:

 

[Boggled]

one thing about me being intertwined with my husband, a line out of Edgar Allen Poe's "Annabel Lee," 

"But our love it was stronger by far than the love

   Of those who were older than we—

   Of many far wiser than we—

And neither the angels in Heaven above

   Nor the demons down under the sea

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

   Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; "

[KayC]

I never heard that one before! Thank you for sharing.

[Boggled]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?  nothing.  No sound.  Pure and simple.   Clapping is about TWO hands.  

So this thought came to me yesterday as I talked to one of my "kittens" (now pretty close to being cats) ... I USED to talk to Steve and he and I bouncing thoughts and ideas back and forth to one another, was like "two hands clapping," 

and with Steve gone now, I'm one hand only and there's no one to "clap" with.

But even talking to that kitten, eye to eye, (kitten has big pure eyes!) ... that's a bit of clapping.   Not the same, but I'm still one hand, and I can still "clap" even with a kitten.  

not at all the same but still...   

[HisMunchkin]

On 9/23/2023 at 2:01 PM, Boggled said:

for me, it's that we did EVERYTHING together, so that "sound of one hand clapping" (which had just occurred to me), is pretty relevant to how I'm feeling.

I know exactly what you mean!  So many times I've found myself thinking, "I should tell him about this!" or "show him this", etc.  The only thing that answers back is pain.  All the inside jokes we shared that no one else will understand.  Going to places that we used to go together.  I didn't know I could feel lonely going to the drugstore by myself?...  All the decisions we would make together, now I have only myself to consult with.  No one is as interested in my day as he was.  No one else cares about those mundane details.  I still imagine his responses in my mind every now and then, though, so that's a bit of a comfort.  But ya, I understand what you mean. 

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

  So many times I've found myself thinking, "I should tell him about this!" or "show him this", etc.  The only thing that answers back is pain.  All the inside jokes we shared that no one else will understand.  Going to places that we used to go together. 

I have felt these needs every day since Vickie passed. Sharing thoughts with her and like you the drives we took together. Living alone with no family or social relationships her being gone truly is a giant empty hole in life. I go nowhere. No desire to go out. Have my groceries delivered. I sit in her lift recliner all day, sleep and eat, if you can call it that. My responsibility is to take care of the animals and without their company I'm not sure I'd still be here. 

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I have felt these needs every day since Vickie passed. Sharing thoughts with her and like you the drives we took together. Living alone with no family or social relationships her being gone truly is a giant empty hole in life. I go nowhere. No desire to go out. Have my groceries delivered. I sit in her lift recliner all day, sleep and eat, if you can call it that. My responsibility is to take care of the animals and without their company I'm not sure I'd still be here. 

I'm so sorry to hear.  My husband and I were both pretty introverted so we have few friends, and most of them live far away.  I do have family here, but they have their own lives.  Social support is very important, I hear.  I'm glad I found this site. 

It look like it's close to a year for you.  Has it gotten even a little bit better or easier?

You take care of animals? 

[WithoutHer]

32 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

You take care of animals? 

Yes, our pets. 2 cats and 1 dog. All their personalities have changed with Vickie gone. As far it getting any easier? I can say the tears don't flow as often but the feelings behind those tears remain. Vickie and I were an odd couple seemingly made to be together yet finding each other by such rare chance. Our first day together here was Christmas day 2011 and I guess you could say we were each other's best Christmas present ever. 

[Sar123]

@HisMunchkin I’m in the beginning of year two now which is hard for me to believe sometimes. How can he be gone for entire year when I still miss him every single day. I still ask myself, “ How did this happen to us/him?? This happens to other people, not us! But it did.

I look at where I was a year ago, and I was a mess especially in the evening. When I brought it up to my grief counselor, she said it’s probably because evenings were the time we relaxed together after a busy day. This rang true and helped me understand why it had been hard for me,  so I started changing up my routine. Of course I still miss having him here, but it’s not as intense and raw as it was a year ago. Someone in my grief group asked if there was a finish line to grieving. I said there is no finish line for me. I’ll carry this grief (I see it as something I’m carrying in my backpack) with me for the rest of my life, but hopefully it won’t stop me from carrying on the best I can. The “firsts” were the hardest for me as in the first time I went to the grocery store. I had to leave because it was the last time we were texting each other and it was too emotional for me so I left. But now? I’ve gone many times because I got use to it. Kind of like a layer of crust has been built over those “firsts.” I still have emotional breakdowns where I burst out crying when I didn’t see it coming (it happened with a friend this week), but not anywhere near like it was a year ago.  I’ve been getting use to this new way of life. I don’t like it, but I’m adjusting to it. What else can I do? It does get easier and it won’t be as hard as it was in the beginning even though you may not feel like that now. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Sar123 said:

it’s probably because evenings were the time we relaxed together after a busy day.

That is the same as I felt after getting off work and especially doing my weekends alone...we were always together when not working.  

 

11 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I’ve been getting use to this new way of life. I don’t like it, but I’m adjusting to it.

Yes, you are doing what you can.

[HisMunchkin]

On 1/19/2024 at 9:13 PM, Sar123 said:

@HisMunchkin I’m in the beginning of year two now which is hard for me to believe sometimes. How can he be gone for entire year when I still miss him every single day. I still ask myself, “ How did this happen to us/him?? This happens to other people, not us! But it did.

I look at where I was a year ago, and I was a mess especially in the evening. When I brought it up to my grief counselor, she said it’s probably because evenings were the time we relaxed together after a busy day. This rang true and helped me understand why it had been hard for me,  so I started changing up my routine. Of course I still miss having him here, but it’s not as intense and raw as it was a year ago. Someone in my grief group asked if there was a finish line to grieving. I said there is no finish line for me. I’ll carry this grief (I see it as something I’m carrying in my backpack) with me for the rest of my life, but hopefully it won’t stop me from carrying on the best I can. The “firsts” were the hardest for me as in the first time I went to the grocery store. I had to leave because it was the last time we were texting each other and it was too emotional for me so I left. But now? I’ve gone many times because I got use to it. Kind of like a layer of crust has been built over those “firsts.” I still have emotional breakdowns where I burst out crying when I didn’t see it coming (it happened with a friend this week), but not anywhere near like it was a year ago.  I’ve been getting use to this new way of life. I don’t like it, but I’m adjusting to it. What else can I do? It does get easier and it won’t be as hard as it was in the beginning even though you may not feel like that now. 

How did you change up your routine to ease the distress you initially felt in the evenings?  And ya, I think the grief will stay with you forever.  But the weight of that backpack will likely decrease with time and hold you back less, so to speak.  I'm glad to hear that you are adapting and no longer feel as much pain as last year.  Also, thank you for sharing!   It gives me hope. 💝 

[HisMunchkin]

On 1/19/2024 at 7:02 PM, WithoutHer said:

Yes, our pets. 2 cats and 1 dog. All their personalities have changed with Vickie gone. As far it getting any easier? I can say the tears don't flow as often but the feelings behind those tears remain. Vickie and I were an odd couple seemingly made to be together yet finding each other by such rare chance. Our first day together here was Christmas day 2011 and I guess you could say we were each other's best Christmas present ever. 

Oh your pets!  I thought maybe you rehabilitated wildlife or something.  We have a dog too.  She seems oblivious to the absence of her "daddy".  I guess that's a good thing? 

The way you guys met sound lovely.  Good to hear that you at least no longer cry.  In time, I hope those feelings of pain will also subside for you.    

[Boggled]

On 1/19/2024 at 8:13 PM, Sar123 said:

Kind of like a layer of crust has been built over those “firsts.”

It doesn't quite feel like that for me, but I have noticed that "firsts" are still terrible;  it's just that enough "firsts" have happened by now, that there aren't many "firsts" I'm running into at this point (19 months).  When I open a drawer I haven't opened in a long time, and find some reminder I haven't noticed yet, that kind of "first" can still hit HARD ... but I'm so used to crying, I take the grief and the crying more "in stride" now.    And another odd thing, the FIRST time some reminder hits me, it TRIGGERS a memory and hurts a lot!  ... but after that, the same thing doesn't hurt, at least not nearly as bad;  it's as though you have to go through a multitude of memories and triggers that bring up the memories ... one really hard time? for each one??

The feeling of grief, and the crying from grief, have become a part of "me" and I will always understand them from now on.  But "I" am healing somehow, someway, I feel it, for me more like ... a very small, slight  noticing of "sense of self."  

[Gail 8588]

Boggled, 

Thanks for trying to put into words how your grief is maturing.  It is a difficult thing to describe. But I do think it helps those who are still in the awful pain and void of grief to read that someone is feeling a bit  'better'. 

None of us expect to be free of our grief, but the excruciating  heartache of loss has to somehow transform into something more bearable.  Your sharing brings hope to others. 

Thanks

[Sar123]

@HisMunchkin I started to change my routine a few months ago.  I like to do the treadmill or an easy YouTube exercise video with some music on. Sometimes I work on doing diamond painting which a friend introduced to me last winter. Right now I’m in the process of removing wallpaper from the kitchen which is tedious and time consuming, but it gives me something to do. I like listening to podcasts during this time. I have had no interest in watching tv. We used to watch different series and movies together at night. It was just too hard and the memories still make me tear up. Only recently I started watching a series my sister suggested- “90 Day Finance.” My husband would have had no interest in a series like that, lol. I also got a rescue dog. He’s a quirky little dog, but very sweet. I wish he liked to go on walks, but he hates the leash and will sit there and refuse to move. I love him though. Hopefully, you’ll find a routine that works for you. 

@Boggled Yes, the “firsts” still pop up for me occasionally. Last week when I was talking to a friend, she mentioned that she and her partner are going on a trip to Florida next month. I burst out crying as I told her my husband and I had been planning a trip there when he was going through chemo. He was such an optimist and we had fun looking at different Airbnbs. It was just too much. I hadn’t cried like that in a while. The grief counselor had warned me these bursts of grief could happen at any time and it did. I also have to grieve for all those plans we had for retirement. He worked so hard and we saved so much in our 401ks and he didn’t get to use any of it. I have no desire to travel without him, but I will be going to Mexico City to see my new grandson in April although I’m sad my husband won’t be there. He would’ve been such a fun grandpa. 

[HisMunchkin]

59 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

We used to watch different series and movies together at night. It was just too hard and the memories still make me tear up.

I know exactly what you mean!  My husband and I used to binge watch shows together on our TV.  I haven't turned on that TV since he was hospitalized, and I haven't watched any of the shows we used to watch together.  It's just too painful of a reminder right now.  That's smart of you to find other things to preoccupies your time in the evening.  Good advice!  Thank you for sharing!  And awww....  I have a dog too, and her presence has definitely helped during this difficult time.  *Big Hugs* to you. 😊💝

[Griefsucks810]

On 9/23/2023 at 10:36 AM, ThereIsAField said:

Yeah, the loss of identity has been a really shocking part of grief for me.

I feel like the old "me" died with him and now there's this new me but I don't know who she is and I don't know how to be her.

I keep trying to be the old "me" but it doesn't work.

I don't know if part of the problem is that I've felt like the old me "shouldn't" have gone... I didn't know that grief could change your sense of identity... Like probably everyone here, I'd experienced losses and grief previously too, but of a smaller scale and those griefs didn't change my sense of identity, so I think I assumed that that was how it was meant to be and that by allowing this bigger grief to change my sense of identity, I was failing somehow, it was a sign of weakness that I couldn't hold onto "myself"... So I think I've struggled and fought it, and tried to stop it from happening, which has probably made the process needlessly messy and painful.

I don't know how to accept/ feel comfortable with this loss of an old sense of identity and having to wait until a new identity "grows" into place... Like a big old tree being felled by a storm... and now there's a new tree shoot... a tiny green little thing... and it bears no comparison to the big old sturdy tree and I can't get used to the difference.

I’m also struggling with this “new me” as I don’t know who she is and I don’t know how to be her.  I don’t know how to make a new and happy life for myself.  I’m just surviving day by day with no purpose in my life. My day consists of waking up to care for my cat, make something easy to eat, and go to the bathroom- that’s it.  

The “new me” is supposed to have a daily and nightly routine, eat healthy foods and vegetables, exercise daily, acquire a hobby, do volunteer work, pray to God daily and go to church, go out to new places that I’ve never been to, and keep in touch with my family members regularly.  I don’t do anything that I’ve written above and I should cuz I need structure in my life and I also need to keep my body inside and out in good physical health cuz if I don’t, I’m running the risk of having health ailments down the line.  I want this “new me” to be a happy and content person who has a positive outlook on life, who lives a healthy lifestyle and takes care of herself, who has a spiritual relationship with God, and that this “new me” will love herself and have the self confidence and self esteem needed to successfully live in this life.

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

I know exactly what you mean!  My husband and I used to binge watch shows together on our TV.  I haven't turned on that TV since he was hospitalized, and I haven't watched any of the shows we used to watch together.  It's just too painful of a reminder right now.  That's smart of you to find other things to preoccupies your time in the evening.  Good advice!  Thank you for sharing!  And awww....  I have a dog too, and her presence has definitely helped during this difficult time.  *Big Hugs* to you. 😊💝

I also haven’t watched any of the tv shows he used to watch or any of the tv shows we watched together- that all died with him.

Glad that you have your dog to get you thru your difficult times!  I am thankful for having my cat cuz she gives me her unconditional love, affection, attention and her loyalty to me each and every day since my husband died 4 years 5 months ago.  She is also my sole source of emotional support. When she senses that I’m having a bad day or if I’m depressed, she hops up onto my bed and lays next to me for endless hours without moving.  

[Griefsucks810]

3 hours ago, Sar123 said:

@HisMunchkin I started to change my routine a few months ago.  I like to do the treadmill or an easy YouTube exercise video with some music on. Sometimes I work on doing diamond painting which a friend introduced to me last winter. Right now I’m in the process of removing wallpaper from the kitchen which is tedious and time consuming, but it gives me something to do. I like listening to podcasts during this time. I have had no interest in watching tv. We used to watch different series and movies together at night. It was just too hard and the memories still make me tear up. Only recently I started watching a series my sister suggested- “90 Day Finance.” My husband would have had no interest in a series like that, lol. I also got a rescue dog. He’s a quirky little dog, but very sweet. I wish he liked to go on walks, but he hates the leash and will sit there and refuse to move. I love him though. Hopefully, you’ll find a routine that works for you. 

@Boggled Yes, the “firsts” still pop up for me occasionally. Last week when I was talking to a friend, she mentioned that she and her partner are going on a trip to Florida next month. I burst out crying as I told her my husband and I had been planning a trip there when he was going through chemo. He was such an optimist and we had fun looking at different Airbnbs. It was just too much. I hadn’t cried like that in a while. The grief counselor had warned me these bursts of grief could happen at any time and it did. I also have to grieve for all those plans we had for retirement. He worked so hard and we saved so much in our 401ks and he didn’t get to use any of it. I have no desire to travel without him, but I will be going to Mexico City to see my new grandson in April although I’m sad my husband won’t be there. He would’ve been such a fun grandpa. 

Glad to see that you have incorporated exercise in your daily routine and that you have a new diamond painting hobby to keep you busy. I keep procrastinating to start exercising everyday; I don’t know why cuz it can’t hurt me it will help me physically and help me sleep better too.  As far as a hobby, maybe that’s what I need in my life; to find a hobby that I like doing. It’s a good thing that you got a rescue dog to keep you busy and for comfort; sorry that he doesn’t like the leash or to go on walks. 

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I'm also struggling with this “new me” as I don’t know who she is and I don’t know how to be her.  I don’t know how to make a new and happy life for myself.  I’m just surviving day by day with no purpose in my life. My day consists of waking up to care for my cat, make something easy to eat, and go to the bathroom- that’s it.  

This is where I'm stuck also. It's coming onto a year and I don't see any changes coming to me any time soon. Other than caring for our pets without Vickie I have no other purpose in life. Many here say it will get better but the truth is all of our circumstances are different and some of us, I believe, will be stuck in this loneliness. ☹️

[Griefsucks810]

On 9/24/2023 at 2:20 PM, Jemiga70 said:

THIS resonates with me, only I need the patience and trust to go with it.  When I lose something I immediately go on a frantic search for it.  I'm not the guy I was 17 years ago nor am I a husband now.  My monkey mind wages war on me every day to hurry up and "get over" this grief, to figure out who I am now, to figure out what to do next and how to be the New Me that I need to be to "get on" with my life.  My intuitive self knows that's ridiculous and unrealistic, that it's not as simple as that; nevetheless it's a war fought daily.

Hey Jeminga70 I feel the same way you do; that my mind tells me to hurry up and get over this grief, to figure out who I am now, what to do next and how to be the “new me” to be able to “get on” with my life.  

i know who I am now - I’m a single middle aged woman who just wants to feel a newfound happiness and joy in my life. I don’t know how to be a “new me” !!  I’m tired of living in a state of misery and having my thoughts and feelings hijacked by my depression.  

[Griefsucks810]

35 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

This is where I'm stuck also. It's coming onto a year and I don't see any changes coming to me any time soon. Other than caring for our pets without Vickie I have no other purpose in life. Many here say it will get better but the truth is all of our circumstances are different and some of us, I believe, will be stuck in this loneliness. ☹️

Thank you for responding to my post.  Sorry to see that we’re both in the same boat. I keep seeing posts that it will get better but I haven’t seen anything good coming my way yet. Hopefully we won’t be stuck in this loneliness forever.  

[Griefsucks810]

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Boggled, 

Thanks for trying to put into words how your grief is maturing.  It is a difficult thing to describe. But I do think it helps those who are still in the awful pain and void of grief to read that someone is feeling a bit  'better'. 

None of us expect to be free of our grief, but the excruciating  heartache of loss has to somehow transform into something more bearable.  Your sharing brings hope to others. 

Thanks

I’m starting to feel the grips of my grief. The other night my mind was racing and telling me to remember the name of that love song I heard years ago. I couldn’t think of it for the life of me and the hours were going by of not being able to sleep cuz my mind wouldn’t shut off.  The name of the love song finally came to me but I couldn’t remember the exact words being sung. After that my mind stopped racing and I eventually fell asleep.  

[HisMunchkin]

11 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I’m also struggling with this “new me” as I don’t know who she is and I don’t know how to be her.  I don’t know how to make a new and happy life for myself.  I’m just surviving day by day with no purpose in my life. My day consists of waking up to care for my cat, make something easy to eat, and go to the bathroom- that’s it.  

The “new me” is supposed to have a daily and nightly routine, eat healthy foods and vegetables, exercise daily, acquire a hobby, do volunteer work, pray to God daily and go to church, go out to new places that I’ve never been to, and keep in touch with my family members regularly.  I don’t do anything that I’ve written above

What do you think is stopping you from doing those things?  If it's lack of motivation and/or feeling overwhelmed, have you tried breaking things down to smaller bits and attempting those bits, "bit by bit", so to speak?  E.g., starting tomorrow, you will have vegetables well stocked in your house, and you will eat one serving a day.  And that is all you have to work on a week or two until it has become a habit.  Then you will add another bit.  Whatever seems easiest to do, start with those.  I have found that I can only handle bits at a time.  But hey, the climb over a mountain begins with a step.  Slowly by surely, I'm getting things done, even though it feels like I'm going through life like a zombie most of the time.  I'm still at the "tying up loose ends" stage, so I haven't even begin to even think about the "new me" stage, but I will likely approach that in a "bit by bit" manner as well.  

 

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

This is where I'm stuck also. It's coming onto a year and I don't see any changes coming to me any time soon. Other than caring for our pets without Vickie I have no other purpose in life. Many here say it will get better but the truth is all of our circumstances are different and some of us, I believe, will be stuck in this loneliness. ☹️

From the book, "The Grieving Brain", they say that time alone doesn't really do the healing.  It's the active adaptation to the new circumstances and making changes to rebuild and restore your life to a meaningful one that does most of the healing.  There's a quote by someone called Elbert Hubbard, that's inline with those findings:  "The cure for grief is motion." 

The book also talked about "complicated grief", where some people don't seem to feel much better and don't adapt well even after a year.  You can google the term and see if it sounds like you.  For instance, here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374 

I worry that only spending time with only your pets and ordering groceries instead of going out might be preventing you from moving forward.  Being here and telling us how you feel and what you've been going through, on the other hand, is a very good thing.  So keep talking to us.  But please also try to go out a little?  Try something new that you might find enjoyable, then report back and let us know how it went?

 

8 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

The other night my mind was racing and telling me to remember the name of that love song I heard years ago. I couldn’t think of it for the life of me and the hours were going by of not being able to sleep cuz my mind wouldn’t shut off.  The name of the love song finally came to me but I couldn’t remember the exact words being sung. After that my mind stopped racing and I eventually fell asleep.  

I had the opposite happen to me last night.  Instead of trying to remember a song, I couldn't get an annoying one out of my head. 😖