The stupid things people can say (and what we wish they would say instead...)

[widower2]

Mentioned this in another thread but thought maybe it merited its own: I mentioned the stupid things in a site I built (see #2 here): https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/know-someone-grieving

It's just the usual platitudes...well intended but ill advised, like "she's in a better place" or "it's God's will" (blah etc and barf.) 

 

Some things I wish I had heard instead:

"I'm so sorry; this loss is hard for all who knew her, but uniquely so for you" 
"Thank you for all you were to her and did for her!"
"If you want to unload sometime, let me know" (only said however if the person really meant it)
"Let's get together" (again, only if the person means it and pinpoints a date or other specifics, not some vague statement like "let's do lunch" and you never hear from them again)

 

[KayC]

I think Marty sums it up well, what to say/what not to say here:
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief

One thing to keep in mine is we're unique and what sets off one person may be the opposite for another, but some we can all agree on, they're way off base, it struck a chord and missed their mark!

 

[Jemiga70]

On 5/30/2023 at 4:54 AM, KayC said:

what sets off one person may be the opposite for another

I hear you.  My mother in law was shaken to the core (and never recovered, passing herself 14 months later) after her daughter passed.  We were both at a loss as to why.  The eternal why.  Why her? Why now? Why? Why? Why?   MiL would say "God wanted her."  This didn't upset me in the slightest.  I hated that my wife was gone from this world - and so quickly - but maybe just maybe what IF there was a bigger plan...?

No, what was much much worse was when my BiL said "You're still young, you can get married again."

[LMR]

A few weeks after I lost my husband a friend asked if I'd like to go out with a friend of his. I wasn't interested of course and I never will be. At the time I was at such a low, aside from sad and lonely I was feeling so worthless and useless and it was actually good for me to hear that someone thought I was worth knowing. The friend he mentioned was a guy he'd talked about in the past so I knew it was someone he admired and not just palming me off on a lost cause. He did me a favor by asking. Sometimes help comes from strange places.

I still have days like that, quite a few actually but I've got pretty good at turning my brain off.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

MiL would say "God wanted her."

I hated it when people told me that about my husband...what could be needed more than I needed him!  But I finally came to terms with it and no longer question, it is what it is. I felt consolation in NOT knowing what God thought about it or IF He orchestrated this.  I just learned not to question too deeply.  I accept God knows what He's doing, I'd just rather not to think too hard on it...

[AJ4]

I really didn't like when people asked me what they could do for me.  I just wanted to shout at them "You can't bring him back and that is all I need!"   Nothing else mattered to me.   I didn't actually shout though, because I recognized they were trying to be kind and I could appreciate the effort even when I knew there was nothing they could do for me.   

What I really appreciated was when people who knew him would say I miss him too, or say something about what he used to do, or talk about him in any way, like "I remember he was always singing at work, especially during surgery".
I also really appreciated that my sister in law gave me a gift card to a nearby take out restaurant- I really didn't feel like cooking once all the relatives went home and that gave me a good reason to pick up dinner a few nights a week.    I have a gift card, so I have to use it. 

"God wanted her"  Why does God want a few billion dead people?   A lot of people have died since people first evolved.  I think it's a good thing that we all die.  Individually, a bad thing, because someone misses each person who is gone.  But collectively, good.  Can you imagine the earth if no one ever died?  We'd be standing on top of one another, running out of food and space, not to mention the animals who didn't die either.   Instead God has this great recycling plan.   Life can keep going because of death.   

[KayC]

This is a great thread topic, I'm surprised more people didn't weigh in on it.

[SAR12]

The one that got to me was “ he’s there with you.” No, he’s not physically here and he never will be again. There’s also “he’s watching over your grandson.” He did get to meet him when he was six months, but he didn’t get to hold him because he was too weak and sick. He didn’t get to be the fun grandpa he would’ve been and it doesn’t make me feel better when people say, “he’s watching over him.” 

Why do people say “let’s  get together” and then you never see or hear from them again especially couples. It’s a couples world and when you’re no longer a couple, you’re ostracized from the group. 

A neighbor was walking by a few months ago and gave me his condolences. As he was walking away, he said to let him know if I needed anything. I shouted, “Yes, I do need your help.” He had such a surprised look on his face that I was taking him up on his offer. It was pretty simple. I asked what lawn service he used. He seemed pretty relieved that’s all it was. Still makes me smile when I think about it. 

[KayC]

I vaguely remember an old man coming up to my place and weed whacking. He didn't talk to me, just weed whacked. It was so sweet! Years later it was me visiting him and his wife when they went into a nursing home. I remember him sitting out in the courtyard and I joined him. Didn't talk much, but just sat by him.  His wife had dementia and was getting far gone by then. I imagine he was in a reflective state, they'd spent their whole lives together, I'd known them since I was 24 and moved here. We'd gone to church together, visited in our homes when we were all younger, I still keep up with their daughter.

I imagine the look on your neighbor's face...it brought me a smile too!

[DWS]

Yesterday I texted a bit with my older brother. This is a sibling that I don't communicate with much at all. There are no hardships or tensions between us. We both just keep in our own little worlds but yesterday was my birthday so he sent me bday wishes which gave us the chance to do a small bit of catching up. I mentioned that the burial of my partner Tom's ashes happened last weekend. I also told him that Tom's sister had passed away eight months later so it was a ceremony honouring both of them. He replied that what happened was sad and then added that "things get better as time goes on, just can't dwell on the past". 

I pretty well knew the meaning of that statement and didn't respond. That's one of those common, patent platitudes we say to a griever in society...something telling us that yeah it's a shame but now let's change the topic. 

But getting deeper into it, it really is a cold, callous thing to say because, in no way at all is Tom now my "past". I very much regard him as part of my present. I think that's something that a greater part of society gets wrong. Someone dies and now they're our past?!! My brother is not a deep thinker but I should have asked him if he thinks of our parents as the past. My dad passed away fifteen years ago but he's not my past. I didn't once upon a time have parents. I have parents however, they both have passed away. They certainly are a part of my past...a great great part...but I don't describe them as the past. Perhaps it's just semantics mixed with my own soreness but it's that type of dismissiveness that still keeps me away from doing much socializing. 

[KayC]

You are so right, people do say dumb things in an effort to make THEMSELVES feel better, like moving on from the conversation because it makes them feel some kind of way. Screw their feelings!  This is about US, not them! Sorry for the language, this just hits me, all the stupid things people say (and even more, their booming silence) over the years...

[widower2]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

Yesterday I texted a bit with my older brother. This is a sibling that I don't communicate with much at all. There are no hardships or tensions between us. We both just keep in our own little worlds but yesterday was my birthday so he sent me bday wishes which gave us the chance to do a small bit of catching up. I mentioned that the burial of my partner Tom's ashes happened last weekend. I also told him that Tom's sister had passed away eight months later so it was a ceremony honouring both of them. He replied that what happened was sad and then added that "things get better as time goes on, just can't dwell on the past". 

I pretty well knew the meaning of that statement and didn't respond. That's one of those common, patent platitudes we say to a griever in society... 

....esp when doesn't know quite what to say, which is most people who haven't suffered such a loss. I get what you're saying and agree that IMO this is probably semantics; it sounds like it was said with the best of intentions, and maybe in saying try not to dwell on the past he meant the passing vs the person themselves. Frankly I wish I was able to dwell on the loss less esp in those early days. 

[shawnt]

I was just told emotions are only thoughts and thoughts can't really hurt you , observe them and let them pass.

I was speechless, it's nice to know that this soul scorching agony isn't real and I can return to my normal life. It's all in my head.

If I hit my thumb with a hammer in the forest and nobody is around to hear does it really sting? What horse ***t.

[widower2]

What an asinine and completely boneheaded thing to say. My head is swimming with the replies I might have given, some quite nasty...then see if they still think thoughts can't hurt. This sounds like the kind of person who would accidentally tie their shoelaces together.

[shawnt]

You made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

[DWS]

Here is Megan Devine's latest video on the interesting topic of why we're not always overly thrilled when someone says "you're doing so well".  It's a good four and a half minute clip to spend for anyone here who needs to listen to someone speak, what @shawntso neatly called it, the griever's language. I've probably watched this half a dozen times so far. The part where she gets to just after the three minute mark is so accurate..."woo...we don't have to worry about you anymore"!

 

[KayC]

Oh my gosh, unreal! Thanks for sharing.

[JonathanFive]

I was talking to a friend of mine, who's actually also a LMHC - now of course, we're friends, so we cannot have a counseling relationship where I go and see him, but I was telling him, "P doesn't want to talk to me right now, C has not been calling to say hi, H and Q are no longer reaching out."

He said, "I think that sometimes friends, don't know what to say, and fear so much that they will say the wrong thing, so instead, they just don't reach out or try to help or console, or be there."

I think people who say, "God's will, or better place," are for the most part saying, "only what they know how to say."   They simply don't know how to say anything else, perhaps they have never experienced this type of grief first hand.

Until now, I had never experienced grief like this firsthand - this is truly the most emotional pain in my whole life, and life is not easy for anybody, nobody has a flawless life.

Just to point out: I have before, "lost distant friends, and aquaintences, and lost my father last july (2023)," but nothing has been anywhere near loosing my soulmate, my partner, my love - who's soul I've been praying for every night, who I hope beyond hope to be with when I pass, and who I will forever long for, for the rest of my days. 

I would be akin to think, that when somebody says, "it's God's will," that's a feedback loop, and a message they are repeating cause, "that's what they know."   Sure thing is, when they say this, they are having good intentions - falling on their butt, but still...  Good intentions

 

 

[DWS]

12 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

but nothing has been anywhere near loosing my soulmate, my partner, my love - who's soul I've been praying for every night, who I hope beyond hope to be with when I pass, and who I will forever long for, for the rest of my days. 

My heart goes out to you, Jonathan, on the tremendous loss of your partner. You're so much in the very early days of your grief and it pains me to hear that some of your friends are already leaving you alone at a time when you so desperately need them. Unfortunately, what happens is our tragedies become awkward for those around us. It sounds so stupid and so weird for me to even spell it out like that but that's what it becomes. They don't know what to say or do. They feel helpless. They jump in with their acquired knowledge that we need cheering up or need to hear words of positivity but they don't know that we don't want any of that. We want to be companioned in our grief and we want it acknowledged constantly because it is now our new world. 

[KayC]

I've heard it said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, that's kind of how I personally feel about their good intentions.   I'm not letting them off the hook, ALL of my friends ditched me when George died.  I can't feel better about them.  Almost anything would have been better than that.  I mean, on top of losing my husband, I lost EVERYONE!
My sisters hung in there even though they had no idea what it was like to lose their husband (still don't), sometimes they said the wrong things, but they were THERE!  

I love it when someone brings up my husband, now that Peggy is gone (my closest sister) no one does.  I miss him.  He's not a non-person, he didn't cease to exist when he died, he lives on in my heart if no one elses!

[JonathanFive]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I've heard it said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, that's kind of how I personally feel about their good intentions.  

It's true, and I certainly agree with the sentiment, because that is the law of unintended consequences.  However, consequences are usualy the result some type of action routed in motive.   Somebody stating, "Whatever God's plan, and will," etc, is conveying a message, and without action, motive is hard to define - assuming any beyond an attempt to empathise.

It's just a part of the human condition, everything is the human condition - grief is the human condition.   The ideals of heaven and hell, faith, belief, God, and time - all representative of our current level of understanding.

That being said, some of my friends have short circuited as if I've got the plague, but it would be unfair, at least to the ones that have been there for me, to say that, "all of them," are no longer reaching out.

If your experience was that, "every single one of your friends," dissapeared on you, I am sorry to hear that, and can only imagine how difficult that must have been, having to face the death of a partner, without any support system.

I've heard this from other couples - especially when they have been married 20, 25 years, and the friends are, "friends in common," with the spouse.  It seems like the longer you guys were together, the more your group of friends would have belonged to, "both of you," and without your other half, it is likely that this group, many still with their partner, would shy away.

I got this very same impression from a person at the Griefshare meeting I went to a couple of weeks back - when her husband died, her array of friends turned away on here, leaving he to face the realities alone.  Likely how she wound up in, "in person," Griefshare, and I beleive she's been going for years.

Actually, I have another Griefshare starting tonight, that I am going to - 6pm Eastern Standard...  2 hours from now - and I am exhausted.  

Edited December 29, 2023 by JonathanFive
typo

[KayC]

16 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

how difficult that must have been, having to face the death of a partner, without any support system.

I had my family.

You're three hours ahead of me.  I hope it goes well. 

[JonathanFive]

and... I'm totally out of it.  Apparently the group doesn't start till Jan 4th. 

[widower2]

9 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I was talking to a friend of mine, who's actually also a LMHC - now of course, we're friends, so we cannot have a counseling relationship where I go and see him, but I was telling him, "P doesn't want to talk to me right now, C has not been calling to say hi, H and Q are no longer reaching out."

He said, "I think that sometimes friends, don't know what to say, and fear so much that they will say the wrong thing, so instead, they just don't reach out or try to help or console, or be there."

I think people who say, "God's will, or better place," are for the most part saying, "only what they know how to say."   They simply don't know how to say anything else, perhaps they have never experienced this type of grief first hand.

Until now, I had never experienced grief like this firsthand - this is truly the most emotional pain in my whole life, and life is not easy for anybody, nobody has a flawless life.

Just to point out: I have before, "lost distant friends, and aquaintences, and lost my father last july (2023)," but nothing has been anywhere near loosing my soulmate, my partner, my love - who's soul I've been praying for every night, who I hope beyond hope to be with when I pass, and who I will forever long for, for the rest of my days. 

I would be akin to think, that when somebody says, "it's God's will," that's a feedback loop, and a message they are repeating cause, "that's what they know."   Sure thing is, when they say this, they are having good intentions - falling on their butt, but still...  Good intentions
 

Exactly, well put. I get it's hard to remember that at the time, but I've tried to emphasize that here as well...try not to focus on the bumbling, stupid thing they said, but that they meant well and are trying to offer comfort the best they can. Before I suffered my loss, I didn't know what to say to people either. As Kay said, it's the ones who disappear, who don't even try, that gall me. 

[KayC]

 

12 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

and... I'm totally out of it.  Apparently the group doesn't start till Jan 4th. 

Don't feel bad, Kodie and I went to a Bible Study and no one was there I was told it wouldn't meet the last two weeks and then it would...nope, I didn't get the message.   Wasted 2/3 gal. gas and our time is all.

[immortalgypsy]

On 6/1/2023 at 7:42 AM, LMR said:

A few weeks after I lost my husband a friend asked if I'd like to go out with a friend of his. I wasn't interested of course and I never will be. At the time I was at such a low, aside from sad and lonely I was feeling so worthless and useless and it was actually good for me to hear that someone thought I was worth knowing. The friend he mentioned was a guy he'd talked about in the past so I knew it was someone he admired and not just palming me off on a lost cause. He did me a favor by asking. Sometimes help comes from strange places.

I still have days like that, quite a few actually but I've got pretty good at turning my brain off.

How do you turn your brain off? Seriously. I would love some pointers.

[widower2]

Me too!

FWIW I suggest trying to keep busy. Even otherwise un-fun things such as work and chores can be helpful as you're focusing on something else. Of course getting together with family/friends is a good option, as well as hobbies (existing ones or new ones that might interest you)....basically something...ANYthing...to draw your focus elsewhere.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, immortalgypsy said:

How do you turn your brain off? Seriously. I would love some pointers.

It's so difficult to suggest anything in those early days because of shock and grief fog. I know that all I wanted in those first few weeks was to hear this wasn't happening. Nothing else appealed to me. The best thing is to be extra gentle on yourself and that means not making heavy expectations. Try to understand the concept of doing this one-day-at-a-time...or even one hour at a time...because that is really all we are capable of doing in those first few weeks. 

As for turning your brain off, breathing exercises can be helpful. The 4-7-8 method is still my go-to for bringing me some calmness. 

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324417#how-to-do-it

This might sound silly but if you enjoy doing word games, spend your free time doing those because they are good at getting your mind focusing elsewhere. They're calming. Think of yourself as needing to be nursed and cared for because you are severely wounded...and what else is there to do in a hospital bed but do crosswords and word puzzles. Anything to give you some reprieve from the constant processing of your loss.

There are other simple games as well to relieve anxiety and stop your mind from spinning out of control. Various counting games can help particularly at bedtime. Starting at 1000, count backwards in threes. Another one that I still do is start naming off boys or girls names starting with the letter A, then go on to the letter B, and so on. Or start naming off the 50 states alphabetically.

And I know that likely none of this sounds at all appealing to you...maybe even juvenile...but we do what we do to get us through the hours. It's all we can do. 

[widower2]

13 minutes ago, DWS said:

This might sound silly but if you enjoy doing word games, spend your free time doing those because they are good at getting your mind focusing elsewhere. They're calming. Think of yourself as needing to be nursed and cared for because you are severely wounded...and what else is there to do in a hospital bed but do crosswords and word puzzles. Anything to give you some reprieve from the constant processing of your loss.

Exactly....I've become a daily "Wordle" player and gotten into those hidden picture games (for ex: https://www.wildtangent.com/p/hidden-object/daily-hidden-object/). Again, anything to focus elsewhere. 

[DWS]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

Exactly....I've become a daily "Wordle" player and gotten into those hidden picture games (for ex: https://www.wildtangent.com/p/hidden-object/daily-hidden-object/). Again, anything to focus elsewhere. 

Yes...early on when I arrived to this site, I think it was @Gail 8588 who mentioned the Word Wipe game which has become a daily staple of mine in the evening when I need to quiet my mind. I don't think there's been a day since when I haven't played it at least once. It's become a comfort to me similar to the comfort of sitting on the couch with Tom watching TV....a sad replacement for sure but part of my survival. 

[Boggled]

L-Tryptophan.  Calming.  Over the counter.   

But read up on it, apparently it's possible to take too much.

another thing that helped ME, but I have two jujube trees, was making a jujube crisp out of the fruits, probably around 4 months "after" for me.  Eating it did SOMEthing helpful!  Per (as well as others online searching jujube), Dr. Axe:

"Results from one study published in the Journal of Ethnopharmacology suggest that jujube seed extract has anti-anxiety effects at a lower dose and sedative effects when used at a higher dose. Unfortunately, there are currently no human studies on the sedative or anxiety-reducing effects of jujube, but the animal research has been encouraging to date for jujube’s potential as a natural stress reliever.

"Another potential benefit is supporting cognitive health. A 2017 study found that jujube possesses neuroprotective activities, including protecting neuronal cells against neurotoxin stress, stimulating neuronal differentiation, increasing expression of neurotrophic factors, and promoting memory and learning. This is due to its rich supply of antioxidants and anti-inflammatory compounds that defend against oxidative stress, which can damage the brain. ... "

I've been playing "Blossom" on here, a word game, which I find to be helpful:  Word Games & Quizzes | Merriam-Webster

and the quizzes, hitting the "more quizzes" button brings up 3 pages of them.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

another thing that helped ME, but I have two jujube trees, was making a jujube crisp out of the fruits, probably around 4 months "after" for me.  Eating it did SOMEthing helpful!  Per (as well as others online searching jujube), Dr. Axe:

"Results from one study published in the Journal of Ethnopharmacology suggest that jujube seed extract has anti-anxiety effects at a lower dose and sedative effects when used at a higher dose. Unfortunately, there are currently no human studies on the sedative or anxiety-reducing effects of jujube, but the animal research has been encouraging to date for jujube’s potential as a natural stress reliever.

"Another potential benefit is supporting cognitive health. A 2017 study found that jujube possesses neuroprotective activities, including protecting neuronal cells against neurotoxin stress, stimulating neuronal differentiation, increasing expression of neurotrophic factors, and promoting memory and learning. This is due to its rich supply of antioxidants and anti-inflammatory compounds that defend against oxidative stress, which can damage the brain. ... "

It seems kind of appropriate that I say this in the "stupid things people say" thread but I thought you were referring to jujubes the candy! I kinda got confused when you mentioned you have a couple of jujube trees....okay...I guess that's an interesting pastime making those!! Gee...imagine if candy jujubes were a thing of good health!!!

[Boggled]

I tend to forget jujube is also a name for a candy.    😆

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/6/2024 at 12:43 AM, DWS said:

It's so difficult to suggest anything in those early days because of shock and grief fog. I know that all I wanted in those first few weeks was to hear this wasn't happening. Nothing else appealed to me. The best thing is to be extra gentle on yourself and that means not making heavy expectations. Try to understand the concept of doing this one-day-at-a-time...or even one hour at a time...because that is really all we are capable of doing in those first few weeks. 

As for turning your brain off, breathing exercises can be helpful. The 4-7-8 method is still my go-to for bringing me some calmness. 

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324417#how-to-do-it

This might sound silly but if you enjoy doing word games, spend your free time doing those because they are good at getting your mind focusing elsewhere. They're calming. Think of yourself as needing to be nursed and cared for because you are severely wounded...and what else is there to do in a hospital bed but do crosswords and word puzzles. Anything to give you some reprieve from the constant processing of your loss.

There are other simple games as well to relieve anxiety and stop your mind from spinning out of control. Various counting games can help particularly at bedtime. Starting at 1000, count backwards in threes. Another one that I still do is start naming off boys or girls names starting with the letter A, then go on to the letter B, and so on. Or start naming off the 50 states alphabetically.

And I know that likely none of this sounds at all appealing to you...maybe even juvenile...but we do what we do to get us through the hours. It's all we can do. 

My daughter gave me a crossword puzzle book last year and have yet to touch it. It sits on my nightstand collecting dust. The one time I did glance through the book I had anxiety of just knowing I would have to work at finding the words cuz they are spread out horizontally, diagonal, vertically and are spelled backwards too.  

I don’t dwell on the loss of my husband like I used to - I got passed that.  I no longer cry about my husband - got passed that too. I don’t try and live the life I once had with him cuz that way of life no longer exists.   

i don’t have a hobby or activity to keep my mind more focused during the day cuz all I do is watch tv 24/7.  I don’t know if I can read a book cuz I haven’t done it in years; maybe I should try it out.  Maybe I should should count backwards starting at 1000 to help me fall asleep.  It’s a matter of me trying to find out what will work for me and what wouldn’t. 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Maybe I should should count backwards starting at 1000 to help me fall asleep.  It’s a matter of me trying to find out what will work for me and what wouldn’t. 

It's remarkable how simple counting games can work at focusing our minds elsewhere and eventually putting us to sleep in our warm beds because that is the goal. We need sleep and we deserve the rest.

And we can get creative with them. Think of something that interests you. I'm a pop music buff so instead of listing off boy or girl names alphabetically, I've been alphabetically naming off pop groups from the 1960s that I can think of. Last night, I did the letter "P"...."Partridge Family...the Platters...Peter, Paul and Mary......Poppy Family.......Procol Harem........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

[rlh]

Just had someone that I might need meds to help me through JUST because when they asked how I was, I said that I'm hanging in but right now tired most of the time.

It's only been THREE WEEKS.

Like...I know they mean well (because I know this person) but....

[HisMunchkin]

I have some "stupid things people say":

"You need to look on the bright side and think positive, don't look at the negatives."

Me:  "like what bright side?"

"...he's in a better place!"

Me: (thinking)  "A better place would be if he's healthy and still living and enjoying life with me..."

 

"Maybe you can start looking for a new partner?

Me: "Uh... my husband died yesterday!?!"

 

"Sometimes I'm so stressed out that I envy people like your husband who no longer have to deal with the stresses in life!"

Me: (thinking) "WTF??"

 

[HisMunchkin]

Oh, and one more:

"I've been through the same thing when my long term partner broke up with me.  It was even worse for me, cause not only because she wasn't around anymore, I'm also reminded that she's no longer around because she no longer loved me"

Me:  (thinking)  "Right... it's the same thing.  Even worse, you say, than watching your loved one suffer and deteriorate before your eyes and then die in the end?  Sure...  whatever."

[Griefsucks810]

On 5/29/2023 at 10:53 PM, widower2 said:

Mentioned this in another thread but thought maybe it merited its own: I mentioned the stupid things in a site I built (see #2 here): https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/know-someone-grieving

It's just the usual platitudes...well intended but ill advised, like "she's in a better place" or "it's God's will" (blah etc and barf.) 

 

Some things I wish I had heard instead:

"I'm so sorry; this loss is hard for all who knew her, but uniquely so for you" 
"Thank you for all you were to her and did for her!"
"If you want to unload sometime, let me know" (only said however if the person really meant it)
"Let's get together" (again, only if the person means it and pinpoints a date or other specifics, not some vague statement like "let's do lunch" and you never hear from them again)

 

Non grieving friends and family don’t think before they speak; they say the first thing that comes to their minds. Then us widows and widowers are left bewildered as to what they just said to us. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/6/2024 at 9:41 AM, DWS said:

Yes...early on when I arrived to this site, I think it was @Gail 8588 who mentioned the Word Wipe game which has become a daily staple of mine in the evening when I need to quiet my mind. I don't think there's been a day since when I haven't played it at least once. It's become a comfort to me similar to the comfort of sitting on the couch with Tom watching TV....a sad replacement for sure but part of my survival. 

Where can I find this “Word wipe game” at online?  Can you provide me with the link or the website to this game? Does playing the game occupy your mind or does it relax you to where you become tired? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you

[Griefsucks810]

18 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I have some "stupid things people say":

"You need to look on the bright side and think positive, don't look at the negatives."

Me:  "like what bright side?"

"...he's in a better place!"

Me: (thinking)  "A better place would be if he's healthy and still living and enjoying life with me..."

 

"Maybe you can start looking for a new partner?

Me: "Uh... my husband died yesterday!?!"

 

"Sometimes I'm so stressed out that I envy people like your husband who no longer have to deal with the stresses in life!"

Me: (thinking) "WTF??"

 

Omg the things people say or have said to you is unbelievable and have no heart or common sense that what he/she said to you  is offensive and uncalled for!!   The last item you posted is totally insensitive and outrageous; did someone really say that to you?  To say that “ I envy people like your husband who no longer has to deal with the stresses of life” to a grieving spouse is outright disrespectful and rude. 

[Griefsucks810]

32 minutes ago, rlh said:

Just had someone that I might need meds to help me through JUST because when they asked how I was, I said that I'm hanging in but right now tired most of the time.

It's only been THREE WEEKS.

Like...I know they mean well (because I know this person) but....

I’m sure that this person who asked how you were doing was not being insensitive to you. At least you know that he/she meant well; maybe it was the tone of their voice or the way their question came about that made you feel uncomfortable.  

[rlh]

11 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I’m sure that this person who asked how you were doing was not being insensitive to you. At least you know that he/she meant well; maybe it was the tone of their voice or the way their question came about that made you feel uncomfortable.  

It was via text, and it made me feel uncomfortable because all I had said to them is that I'm hanging in there, just tired all the time right now.  Also the fact that they called responded that it's bad enough with the weather but with "a major blow" like I've got, "it must be exhausting". 

Calling my husband's death a major blow just felt...weird. Like it was just a kick to my ribs, and just a blow to me, and not a loss of a life that impacted anyone beyond me.

Again...I know she means well, but I can't right now. I didn't respond to her last comment because my instinct is to reply that no, what I need is the grief counseling that's proving impossible to find. But it's not like she can help me there.

[HisMunchkin]

57 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Omg the things people say or have said to you is unbelievable and have no heart or common sense that what he/she said to you  is offensive and uncalled for!!   The last item you posted is totally insensitive and outrageous; did someone really say that to you?  To say that “ I envy people like your husband who no longer has to deal with the stresses of life” to a grieving spouse is outright disrespectful and rude.

Yup, those were really what they said to me.  Granted, they were from two people who's always been a little... "different".  Perhaps undiagnosed autism.  So I just let it slide as much as possible. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 6/1/2023 at 8:35 AM, KayC said:

I hated it when people told me that about my husband...what could be needed more than I needed him!  But I finally came to terms with it and no longer question, it is what it is. I felt consolation in NOT knowing what God thought about it or IF He orchestrated this.  I just learned not to question too deeply.  I accept God knows what He's doing, I'd just rather not to think too hard on it...

My husband’s death was unexpected. God took him from me for reasons he will only know.  I accepted the harsh reality that I’ll never receive an answer from God as to why he took my husband when he did and why did.  I wouldn’t dare try and test God for the things he does cuz he knows what’s best for each and every one of us. 

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Where can I find this “Word wipe game” at online?  Can you provide me with the link or the website to this game? Does playing the game occupy your mind or does it relax you to where you become tired? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you

There are quite a few websites that have it but I've always played it on AARP's  site. Non-members can play it for free there although you usually have to endure a short ad before playing....

https://games.aarp.org/games/word-wipe

You can also find it here... https://www.arkadium.com/games/word-wipe/

The object is to search for words within a 2 minute timeframe so that kind of challenge is good for occupying your mind. I find the added music and sound effects annoying and stress -inducing so I turn them off. Despite the race against the clock, I do find it rather relaxing...actually comforting. It's something that I can rely on to soothe me and in grief, we definitely need to have some of those. 

[Griefsucks810]

8 minutes ago, DWS said:

There are quite a few websites that have it but I've always played it on AARP's  site. Non-members can play it for free there although you usually have to endure a short ad before playing....

https://games.aarp.org/games/word-wipe

You can also find it here... https://www.arkadium.com/games/word-wipe/

The object is to search for words within a 2 minute timeframe so that kind of challenge is good for occupying your mind. I find the added music and sound effects annoying and stress -inducing so I turn them off. Despite the race against the clock, I do find it rather relaxing...actually comforting. It's something that I can rely on to soothe me and in grief, we definitely need to have some of those. 

Thanks for sending me the websites to the game; greatly appreciate it. 

[DWS]

3 hours ago, rlh said:

Just had someone that I might need meds to help me through JUST because when they asked how I was, I said that I'm hanging in but right now tired most of the time.

It's only been THREE WEEKS.

Like...I know they mean well (because I know this person) but....

I had someone say something very similar to me in those first few horrible weeks. They may mean well but they haven't any idea how damaging their suggestion can be. Telling us that we might need meds scares us into thinking that perhaps we're crazy for still feeling this way just after three or four weeks. It also scares us when friends and family, who we thought loved us, are turning out to be thoughtless and cruel at a time when we really need them. These stupid things people say hit and hurt us terribly at such a crucial, unfamiliar time. 

[KayC]

50 minutes ago, DWS said:

They may mean well but they haven't any idea how damaging their suggestion can be.

Abaolutely does not mean you're crazy!  Many do seek out meds as a solution in early grief.  I waited several years and looking back perhaps I should have considered them sooner as it made it harder on myself to function w/o sleep because of anxiety or because I don't sleep like I did when he was alive.  Don't take it as you're crazy, not even if it's only been three weeks.  

[widower2]

 As I said initially and have at times elsewhere on the site, I think it's important to try and keep their intent in mind (trying to help you somehow) vs the stupidity of what they say. Easier said than done of course!

I was lucky in a way I guess as I got very little of such things said to me (although in some ways it was worse as hardly anyone said anything)...which is probably good, because the first thing that comes to mind as response if someone had told me these things would be something like this (PS I'm not advising any of them, but I wouldn't blame anyone for at least thinking it): 

4 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

"You need to look on the bright side and think positive, don't look at the negatives."

" Well, I'm positive you're an idiot, does that count?" 

 

Quote

"...he's in a better place!"

"I must admit right now any place seems better than here listening to you spew such stupidity, and yet..."

 

Quote

"Maybe you can start looking for a new partner?

"Maybe you should start looking for a new brain."
(or, if applicable)
"Good idea. Say, how does your spouse feel about affairs?"

 

Quote

"Sometimes I'm so stressed out that I envy people like your husband who no longer have to deal with the stresses in life!"

"Oh really? Do you want me to kill you then? That way you won't have to deal with the stresses in life either. Just say the word, because ironically it did just cross my mind." 

 

Quote

"I've been through the same thing..."

(I cut them off right there). "No. You haven't. Cmon you're not really that stupid, are you?"