Nagging Anticipation?

[KayC]

 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”

[WithoutHer]

7 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I think about this & it makes me sad to think that Brian sees how broken I am now.  I don't want him to feel guilty or sad that he is the cause of this heartbreak.  I have a little niggling thought that he would be so happy to be with me again.  I realize there is no sadness or guilt etc. in heaven but I can't help but wondering...........

I don't want it misunderstood what I said about Vickie knowing how her loss has affected me as her responsibility. I was referring to myself and how hard it is on me getting along without her. 

[Sheilz]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I don't want it misunderstood what I said about Vickie knowing how her loss has affected me as her responsibility. I was referring to myself and how hard it is on me getting along without her. 

I understand.  Especially how hard it is on us without them.

I seem to be getting some crazy thoughts lately.

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I think those in Paradise are anticipating our arrival.

As I am anticipating my arrival.  The love that awaits...........

Will this ever get easier... the wait???

I feel as though I am withering away.

[shawnt]

I really hope so. 

Yesterday is gone,can not be changed. Tomorrow is not real yet, has not happened and is not promised. We have today to live and make of it what we will. In my memory lives some  perfect days, not all of them but enough that I hope I will have more.

Have you noticed that your memory of the hard day's when you were young have faded the pain and suffering diminished somehow. I hope my grief will be like that and lose the power it has over me now and I will be able to remember those perfect days with only pleasure instead of longing for what I have lost.

[KayC]

52 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Will this ever get easier... the wait???

I hate the term easier because to many of you it implies you're in a good place and honestly, grief is a lifelong journey in which we miss them. BUT!  It does get easier in the sense that we learn to do our days, yes, even without them.  I could not have done the last 18 years if it was all like day one or even year one or two.  We get better at developing our coping skills if we put in the effort.  For those who do not want to...I would not want stuck in the beginning either!

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

For those who do not want to...I would not want stuck in the beginning either!

It is a wish of mine to not be stuck.  This is breaking me & I feel as though I am going backwards.  I know that I am just beginning but I am trying my best to do what will help me but it just seems to be wasted energy right now.  I'm eating, drinking, talking, journaling, virtual support groups, medication, going outdoors, waiting on a therapist consult, I've even bought a book but can't bare to open it yet.  .... But I'm losing the fight & the will.

 

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

IMHO we learn to adapt (Hopefully)

I realize it's early in my journey, but being so alone, I feel that I need to keep my head above water because it's so easy to just lay down (which I'm doing more & more & more).  Brian was my everything.  I'm half a person right now.  A life without him seems pointless.  I hope to accept this loss eventually & develop some coping skills. 

[shawnt]

I am trying to think of this as a normal part of life. Another stage of, another part of being a human, another obstacle. Yes I had a wonderful partner and lover but I used to be young and strong(with more hair) and like with everything in life it was temporary. I know this doesn't give any comfort but for me thinking of all the others who have managed their way and even had happiness gives me some hope that there is a way for me to muddle my way to at least a liveable life.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I'm eating, drinking, talking, journaling, virtual support groups, medication, going outdoors, waiting on a therapist consult, I've even bought a book but can't bare to open it yet.  .... But I'm losing the fight & the will.

You are doing a LOT!  It will pay off even if you can't see it now.  Of course you feel you're losing, you are in the early time, it's to be expected.

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

Feeling like you are regressing is VERY common.  But you're here?  

You may look for a widowed support group or a church group.  It is limited where I live.  I hear Hospice in many cities have groups

I'm looking into support groups but haven't had the nerve to go alone yet.  I did do a virtual one thru zoom that wasn't too bad but it wasn't like being with people outside of this house.  I think that will have to be my next issue to conquer (not that I've conquered any issues yet).  I need to leave this house at some point.  But the will is just not there.  Sitting here in this pain alone all the time is not doing me much good.  But no one knows the pain that this has caused & it's so hard to fake that I'm OK because I'm not.  

1 hour ago, KayC said:

You are doing a LOT!  It will pay off even if you can't see it now.  Of course you feel you're losing, you are in the early time, it's to be expected.

I'm trying.  Thank you.

[WithoutHer]

19 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Sitting here in this pain alone all the time is not doing me much good.  But no one knows the pain that this has caused & it's so hard to fake that I'm OK because I'm not

Don't be so sure no one knows. I'm doing the same thing as you and I'm not okay. Vickie was my whole and only world. There quite a few of us here trying to get through every day all alone. If you notice how many reads there are compared to replies it tells a story of the silent many who probably don't or can't participate because of their own pain.

[shawnt]

I think that is right. Sometimes the naked pain leaves me speechless and I withdraw to my own pain, no strength to offer anything and for that I am sorry.

[Sheilz]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Don't be so sure no one knows.

I'm sorry for not explaining myself well.  I meant that no one I know personally knows the pain & heartache that this has caused.  That's why I come here so often... because everyone here knows & I don't feel so alone.  I'm thankful I had the guts to post the first time because this board is the only place that I can share my feelings & not be judged.  All the silent reads do tell a sad story.

[I miss you so much]

On 5/30/2023 at 12:18 PM, Shinka said:

 So until we find that feeling of stability, which our loved one gave us, within our selves, we will always have this feeling of approaching doom.

Hope it will work for others.

For me, there is no "until". It's only doom

[shawnt]

I think the PTSD comparison is fair. The loss is traumatic and whether it was lightning out of blue sky or a gruelling long path it is a massive loss.

I relive , over & over the last time I touched my love. They treat PTSD by helping you get out of the loop. I have been using my best good memory of a touch ; and if I think of the sad one I force my self to remember the sweet one.

I am trying to embrace the whole life together and not the miserable end.

I am doing my best to be the person she loved. I am not there yet.

This site has really helped me. Thank you everyone.

[KayC]

Grief, PTSD, and Your Brain | HealthyPlace

[shawnt]

I have had another thought. Of course I have been missing everything about my Suzy , but I also think that her influence on my thinking and decision making allowed me to not concentrate on my flaws because her influence would put me in balance and be closer to the ideal and without her I have to work harder to get to the right place. When we talked about what she wanted me to do for the kids ; she only asked me to do one thing . Be patient(not my natural state) . Can I imagine what she might say to me to keep me in the right place or am I now going to become the schmuck I was before she came into my life. I fear I will never be whole and right without her.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, shawnt said:

am I now going to become the schmuck I was before she came into my life.

We don't go back to who we were before we met, so I believe you will be the person you learned to be growing with her.

[Sheilz]

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

God gives us a mate to balance us. 

Yes and all was right with the world.  Now life sux without this balance.  It's devastating. 

[shawnt]

I feel like I am forgetting something. That thought is always at the top of my mind, it's driving me nuts. I think it's a symptom of stress but what if I am really forgetting something, is there a way to determine what is a symptom and what is real?

[KayC]

Not that I know of, unless you discover you've forgotten something, then you'll know...it's grief fog.

[Griefsucks810]

On 6/5/2023 at 7:56 PM, KayC said:

 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”

God has not wiped away my sorrow or my pain. Just wondering how much more pain and sorrow I have to go thru before he decides that I had enough.

[Griefsucks810]

On 6/7/2023 at 6:10 AM, I miss you so much said:

Hope it will work for others.

For me, there is no "until". It's only doom

I have not found the emotional and mental stability that my husband gave to me within myself yet.  I need to get myself in check with my emotions and mentality cuz right now they are both being controlled by my depression.  My daughter reminds me that I have to do the work in order to change my life for the better. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 6/6/2023 at 6:10 PM, WithoutHer said:

Don't be so sure no one knows. I'm doing the same thing as you and I'm not okay. Vickie was my whole and only world. There quite a few of us here trying to get through every day all alone. If you notice how many reads there are compared to replies it tells a story of the silent many who probably don't or can't participate because of their own pain.

I survive day by day all alone. Glad that I have my cat to keep me company every day. She’s been a part of my life for the past 13 years and hope she lives to be 25 years old. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 6/14/2023 at 8:41 PM, Sheilz said:

Yes and all was right with the world.  Now life sux without this balance.  It's devastating. 

I no longer have a mate to keep me balanced; God took my mate for reasons only known to him. 

[HisMunchkin]

It's sad to see that so many others also suffer from anxiety after the loss of your spouse.  But I do feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one who's been feeling anxious.  I remember getting lost in a mall when I was a child and couldn't find my parents.  It's a similar feeling.  What is it?  Fear that I won't be able to survive without him?  A sense of helplessness?  Lost sense of security?  More exposure to threats due to being alone?  Overwhelmed by responsibilities that used to be shared but now all rest on my shoulders?  All of the above plus more?  I'm not sure.  Can't quite put my finger on it.  For me, the anxiety is most intense in the morning.

 

 

On 5/30/2023 at 7:25 PM, shawnt said:

Have you noticed that time passes differently now?

It seems to speed up, but the day it happened seems like it just occurred.

Hey, I DO feel like time is passing faster!?!  I wonder why.  Days seem too short. 

[Griefsucks810]

57 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

It's sad to see that so many others also suffer from anxiety after the loss of your spouse.  But I do feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one who's been feeling anxious.  I remember getting lost in a mall when I was a child and couldn't find my parents.  It's a similar feeling.  What is it?  Fear that I won't be able to survive without him?  A sense of helplessness?  Lost sense of security?  More exposure to threats due to being alone?  Overwhelmed by responsibilities that used to be shared but now all rest on my shoulders?  All of the above plus more?  I'm not sure.  Can't quite put my finger on it.  For me, the anxiety is most intense in the morning.

 

 

Hey, I DO feel like time is passing faster!?!  I wonder why.  Days seem too short. 

I had anxiety before my husband died; it just got worse when he died. I was anxious that I wouldn’t find a place to live; I was anxious about how I was gonna bury my husband without life insurance and had no money; I was anxious that I had no income to support myself; I was anxious that I was left behind and had to fend myself; and, I was anxious and distraught that his family turned their backs on me upon learning of his death from me.  Since I was prescribed an antidepressant, my anxiety disappeared and everything fell in place for me; I was able to bury my husband cuz he did have life insurance; I found a place to live; and, I had a steady source of income - social security, to support myself.  My battle is with the depression; it has me in a state of misery along with a negative outlook on life.  I’m gonna put up the fight of my life to overcome my depression so I can live happily and having a positive outlook on life.