Nagging Anticipation?

[WithoutHer]

Do all of us feel this?

It's hard enough dealing with the daily pain of loss but I have this constant nagging feeling of anticipation. It's like something is going to happen. What? I don't know. I know Vickie's not coming back. What is it that's nagging at me non-stop? Is it my subconscious looking for change from how screwed up life feels without Vickie? Is anyone else experiencing this within their grieving?

[MichiganDaniel]

Oh, I know that grinding of anxiety so well. It’s like my brain keeps replaying memories to help me find her. Was it here? Where did we last see her? Other times it’s like a sense that she is in distress somewhere and I can’t get to her. My neurons are bewildered living in a world that is familiar in the surroundings, bit unable to resolve back to normal. There’s a constant unfinished, unclosed, anticipation that can only be fulfilled by something we can’t have. I feel vey much out of myself when that get’s bad.

It seems to reinforce itself in a kind of infinite loop. The more uncomfortable I am the harder my brain tries to find her, making me more uncomfortable. I expect that over time that will lessen, but sometimes I have to just white knuckle and grunt my way through it. 

[WithoutHer]

5 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I know she's gone.  My issue is a gnawing that I'm alone.  An emptiness that won't be filled in this world.

I'm hoping I can learn to  function and at least be at peace.  

The Lord gave me 20+ years with Ann.   That was a wonderful gift.  I need to figure out how I can continue until I am with her again. 

I also feel much the same way as well the lonely emptiness. But while I am not as spiritual as you I feel I served a God given purpose in being a part of the happiest years of Vickie's life. Even her daughter has taken me in as family for her moms final years being so content and happy. Before we met we were both miserable but her life was far worse than mine. 

And like you I am wondering, being retired, what to do with the rest of my life without her. 

But all that said that damn feeling of anticipation needs to go. It's just making me feel worse.

[shawnt]

I thought that anxiety was left over from the trauma of the last 18 months.I took care of Sue right up to the end. 24 hours a day, feeding,cleaning, injections, tube feeding, managing pain with morphine injections and giving what ever I could to sooth her.It was a hard road for her.

Hearing others speak of it makes me feel a little less broken and maybe this is one of the symptoms of grief and if that's true maybe it will not wake me up thinking I have to do something over time.

 

[Shinka]

11 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Do all of us feel this?

It's hard enough dealing with the daily pain of loss but I have this constant nagging feeling of anticipation. It's like something is going to happen. What? I don't know. I know Vickie's not coming back. What is it that's nagging at me non-stop? Is it my subconscious looking for change from how screwed up life feels without Vickie? Is anyone else experiencing this within their grieving?

I think when we loose the most important person in our lives, it's like having the ground upon which we stand sliding away.  Our sense of safety and security is gone and we swim in a very dark, unkind ocean, where every wave threatens to make us go under. So until we find that feeling of stability, which our loved one gave us, within our selves, we will always have this feeling of approaching doom. For me it helped to go for walks in nature, work the garden, meditate, because it gave me back the connection to the earth, it grounded me.  And still does.  Animals such as pets have the same effect

[KayC]

Have you all seen your PCP about your anxiety? I'm on Buspar (Buspirone) for life, was diagnosed GAD, had since a child, didn't get help for it until late 2008, 3 1/2 years after George died.  Totally unapologetic for it, not an SSRI, doesn't alter your brain, just takes the edge off so I can better cope. Have had no side effects.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Have you all seen your PCP about your anxiety? I'm on Buspar (Buspirone) for life, was diagnosed GAD, had since a child, didn't get help for it until late 2008, 3 1/2 years after George died.  Totally unapologetic for it, not an SSRI, doesn't alter your brain, just takes the edge off so I can better cope. Have had no side effects.

I have alprazolam for anxiety. I've never had the addiction problem with it some have. And while it's also supposed to be helpful with obsessive thoughts it doesn't seem to address the feeling of anticipation I keep having. I think at my next appointment I'm going to discuss adding a low dose Prozac to see if that might help. 

[shawnt]

Have you noticed that time passes differently now?

It seems to speed up, but the day it happened seems like it just occurred.

21 hours ago, shawnt said:

I thought that anxiety was left over from the trauma of the last 18 months.I took care of Sue right up to the end. 24 hours a day, feeding,cleaning, injections, tube feeding, managing pain with morphine injections and giving what ever I could to sooth her.It was a hard road for her.right on top of me

Hearing others speak of it makes me feel a little less broken and maybe this is one of the symptoms of grief and if that's true maybe it will not wake me up thinking I have to do something over time.

 

 

[shawnt]

It feels like it just happened, but then hours,days,weeks, months are gone.

I think it may have something to do with not having anything to look forward to. I am stuck in that day and can't or won't move on.

[Sheilz]

On 5/29/2023 at 6:23 PM, WithoutHer said:

It's hard enough dealing with the daily pain of loss but I have this constant nagging feeling of anticipation.

I don't think mine is a feeling of anticipation.  I have a feeling of severe dread over everything... from leaving the house, getting up out of bed, answering the phone, and if I need to get to the drug store for a script I can barely function that day until I get it done.  I need to talk to my PCP because it's getting worse.  I think it's anxiety but it could be anticipation of gloom & doom.  Honestly, not sure what is happening.  But something for sure is.  

On 5/29/2023 at 8:42 PM, Gator M said:

The Lord gave me 20+ years with Ann.   That was a wonderful gift. 

I had 30 years and I need to find a way to be thankful for that.  Because it was a wonderful gift.

[Sheilz]

On 5/30/2023 at 6:41 AM, KayC said:

Have you all seen your PCP about your anxiety? I'm on Buspar (Buspirone)

I think I'm going to bring this up during my next appt.  But not sure how to even approach it.  It seems I can't do anything for myself anymore.... and I'm all I got.

[Sheilz]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

Do what you absolutely have to: eat, shower, sleep...and then try and do anything small...those are huge accomplishments. 

I feel like I am going backwards.  I'm beginning to be a recluse & that's what I want.  I just don't care.  I'm exhausted.  I don't want anyone near me (not that I have a big support circle).  Yesterday I took a walk and today I can't function at all.  The issue with my niece just got worse.  She sent me a long long text how I don't appreciate anything she does for me.  Honestly, she hasn't done much except an occasional morning call & doing a wellness check on me.  I feel I need to block her on my phone at least until I'm stronger.  I won't even respond to this latest text.  I believe she's off her rocker.  But nevertheless it is causing me tremendous stress & sadness on top of my life collapsing.  

My goal is to go to a support group next week.  I found one that meets on Mondays.  Will I be able to do this alone?????  I don't know.  I'm not even sure about driving there at this point.  I feel defeated.

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

This is hard.  There is no sugar coating it.  Your life is forever different BUT it will not be forever THIS...This sux.  And we'll be here for you.  

I can't wait for it not to be "This".  It sux so bad.  It's comforting to know I'm not alone but WHY WHY WHY does it have to be this way?  Very cruel way to end both of our lives.  

 

[shawnt]

I have 2 thoughts. Some people don't get why we seem stuck and they can not empathise(lucky them). Also at the start I wanted to be the one who left but now I realise it would be my sweet wife to suffer this pain and loneliness and I'm glad it's me to carry this weight.

People have always had the capacity to be poop heads and we don't have the strength and resistance we used to.

Auto correct is annoying + sorry that was 3

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Sheilz said:

But not sure how to even approach it. 

I printed out info on it and took it in (this after he tried Valium, NO! Two days was enough to do me in. He got a little sarcastic, called me doctor, I told him I have a vested interest in this, it's my body, and the Valium didn't help my disposition either! Was afraid I'd kill myself or someone else on the highway I was so wiped out from it! Besides it takes three times as long to break the addiction, if on it a year, takes three years to get off!

4 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I won't even respond to this latest text.  I believe she's off her rocker. 

I have a SIL I've had to block. Monday I let her talk two hours. I told her I have THREE appts this week, each one is a day out of town. The other day I'm helping my cancer friend who lost her husband. Today she called TEN times and the days not over!  She's nut, certifiably.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

now I realise it would be my sweet wife to suffer this pain and loneliness and I'm glad it's me to carry this weight.

Exactly how I feel about it.

[WithoutHer]

17 minutes ago, KayC said:

Exactly how I feel about it.

Me too I wouldn't want Vickie to go through this. Even though she grieved over family losses while she was with me given how incredible our relationship was to each of us I can't imagine how she would handle it. It's tairing me apart and I know she would be having a worse time than I am.

[SSC]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I would not have wanted Ann to go through this but I always wanted to go first.

I want to go now...so watch I live another 25 years.

That's why I pray for the Second Coming.

Me too!

[Sheilz]

16 hours ago, shawnt said:

I wanted to be the one who left but now I realise it would be my sweet wife to suffer this pain and loneliness and I'm glad it's me to carry this weight.

I wouldn't want this on my soft hearted husband either.  Losing me would have destroyed him & he had enough suffering in his lifetime that I'm ok with me doing this last thing for him.  I will try to come out of this ok for his sake because I know how sad he is thinking that he is causing me all this pain.  He was my protector & I'm sure this is breaking his heart too.  

I'm going to read this comment I just typed over & over when I want to give up (which is an hourly thing right now).  Because I don't want him sad watching me suffer.  

18 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm now having issues with my daughter.  I don't get it?  I'm an afterthought.

I'm sad this is happening & I understand only too well.  

[Sheilz]

10 hours ago, Gator M said:

I would not have wanted Ann to go through this but I always wanted to go first.

I want to go now...so watch I live another 25 years.

I just hope that Brian can't see how devastated I am & how without him my coping skills are nil.  He would be so sad that he is causing this sadness.  He would also be furious about other people's behavior towards me.  

I want to go now too..... because that would end my pain & Brian's sadness watching it.  But I just don't have it in me to do something like that.  

Yup... I'll live another 25 years too.  

[Nancy2]

16 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

I wouldn't want this on my soft hearted husband either.  Losing me would have destroyed him & he had enough suffering in his lifetime that I'm ok with me doing this last thing for him.  I will try to come out of this ok for his sake because I know how sad he is thinking that he is causing me all this pain.  He was my protector & I'm sure this is breaking his heart too.  

I'm going to read this comment I just typed over & over when I want to give up (which is an hourly thing right now).  Because I don't want him sad watching me suffer.  

I'm sad this is happening & I understand only too well.  

When you talk about your husband being your protector, that's what eats me up inside.  My husband was my protector.  He calmed me down, gave me hope when I had none, and would accompany me to doctor appointments and really care about me.  Now I am alone having to face adversity on my own and very sad without him.  I can't even believe this happened.  Death is so, so weird, but it happens to us all and that thought actually consoles me because he is not the only one.  He used to say that we are all at the party (metaphor for life).  Some people leave the party early, and some stay later, but ultimately we all have to leave the party.  Oddly enough, the thought that we are all going to experience the same fate calms me down.  I guess I feel that way because life is so unfair until the end when it becomes equal for us all.

[KayC]

31 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

I just hope that Brian can't see how devastated I am & how without him my coping skills are nil. 

He'd understand, and you'll make your way through this, somehow we all have and are.

[shawnt]

Yes a universal experience, birth, death; and I think grief may be also universal and with the same boundaries, some heal fast, some heal slow, some never heal. 

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, Nancy2 said:

My husband was my protector.  He calmed me down, gave me hope when I had none, and would accompany me to doctor appointments and really care about me.  Now I am alone having to face adversity on my own and very sad without him.  I can't even believe this happened. 

Exactly.  I'm even frightened to proceed in life without his support & love.  It's a scary thing.  I took care of him but he also took care of me.  Even little things seem gigantic to do without his support.  Simple things make me want to curl up.  How can I go on?????  Very sadly.  They say it will get easier (not better) and I look forward to that just so every day is not so damn painful & hard.  I miss him so much.  I'm so thankful I found this forum.  Kindred spirits.

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I believe he is bathed in love and comfort.  There is no heartbreak in heaven.   They know we'll be there soon enough.  

What WE need is to be able to push through this pain so we can at least function in peace.  I think happiness is a thing of the past. 

Just hoping to function in peace also.  And not cry all the time.  Today is tough because it's 3 weeks today.  I'm seeing him everywhere.  Walking across the lawn, sweeping the garage..... it's so hard today.  I just want the day to be over.

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I don't want to start over at 60+.  

Starting over at 60+ is not something I can even think about.  I can't even think about down-sizing at this age ALONE.  I can't ever see myself leaving our "home".  But reality seems to lurk around the corner for me.... knowing I can't keep the place going alone.  Scary thought because I can't even navigate groceries yet.

[Sheilz]

30 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I'm either going to live with my son, step son or BIL.  But none are ready yet.

I keep trying not to project the future because that causes me so much anxiety on top of all this sadness.  You are very fortunate that you have a few options.  I'm not that lucky.

[shawnt]

When I used to play baseball I had a foul ball(I was catcher) get me right off the edge of my jock, after the hospital, and  after the swelling days later and for several weeks I had a nausia I can not describe. I have that now and I have had it for months . According to Drs this is a physical symptom of grief. Who new that losing your wife would hurt  more than getting kicked in the balls? 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Sheilz said:

knowing I can't keep the place going alone.  Scary thought because I can't even navigate groceries yet.

I'm 70, have had 14 major hand injuries, with 10% strength now. I manage. I live in the mountains in the country, have to shovel snow, haul firewood (only source of heat). I'm not mechanically inclined. I hire someone to mow my yard, check/cut/trim trees. Hire home repairs. The only income I have is my own, George was barely 51 when he died so no $ left to me, nothing. I had $120 in the bank when he died. I've made it, perfect credit score, maybe I can't do it forever. I can't "downsize" on my own either. Maybe when I'm 80 and the house is paid off (I remortgaged to pay off the medical bills) I can move into something more manageable and hire an estate sale for the rest, junkhaulers, cleaners, put the place up for sale.  Right now I need some home repairs but one thiing at a time. Oh and the year I was laid off from my job (recession, no one would hire me so didn't file unemployment, retired) I needed a new roof for my house...I had to pay for three patio roofs (14x30') before I got a decent one, and then a garage roof...five in five years! But I'm still here, making it.  I say this not to discourage you but to let you know that if I can do this, you can too.  One day at a time.  One thing at a time.

[KayC]

On 6/1/2023 at 12:02 PM, Sheilz said:

I keep trying not to project the future because that causes me so much anxiety

Yes. When George died I was looking at doing FORTY YEARS without him! (My family lives into their 90s).  I could not fathom that and can't even tell you about the anxiety and lack of sleep!  (Do go to a doctor and get their help), it took me 3 1/2 years to get my Buspar (Buspirone) for anxiety and I'll never go off of it, this isn't merely situational but I've had GAD all my life and throw in this and it felt way too much! It took me many more years (15?) to get a sleep aid. Sometimes only 4 hours but other night 7-8.  I'll take what I can get.

No, do not look into the future so far, stay in today.  Do today. That's it.  Everything else is too much for now.

[Sheilz]

17 minutes ago, KayC said:

One day at a time.  One thing at a time.

Wow.  I hope in time I can be the person who can jump all the hurdles of living alone.  My options don't give me much choice.  But you're right.  One thing at a time.  One day at a time.  I'm hoping to get through the summer without any major issues.  I'm looking for someone to help with the yardwork but the places I called were not taking on any new customers.  No neighborhood kids here.  My neighborhood isn't very stable with the crime rate.  

My goal is to just be able to function, focus.... and eat & drink.  All very hard so far.  But I'm trying.  Thank you for the response.  Just knowing it is possible helps.

[Sheilz]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

Buspar (Buspirone) for anxiety

I have a televisit today & plan on talking to her about this.  Not sure yet what her take will be, but I've had issues with anxiety my whole life.  Now it is unbearable.  Just thinking about leaving the house to go in the yard is causing me shortness of breath & tightness of chest.  But not sure she will be comfortable with handing out meds like this.  Prior to this they wanted me on antidepressants.  But I wasn't depressed.  I had anxiety.  I know the difference.  

How long did it take Buspar to work?  

[KayC]

They say it can take up to two weeks but my friend started on it a while back and it was almost immediate for her. I don't recall 15 years ago but it seems it was for me too.
I printed out the info and took to the doctor, but then that was before "phone visits."
 

[shawnt]

I know a few people who have had great relief from drugs, I think it can't make me feel any worse.

I have noticed that everything feels strange and unfamiliar as if I am in a new world, I am not sure but I think the disorientation is my mind trying to make sense of a world I don't feel I fit anymore .

[Sheilz]

My primary just gave me an anxiety med (BusPar) because she thinks the continuous shortness of breath is constant anxiety attacks.   I just think it's from crying all the time.  Haven't started taking them yet but as Shawnt said... it can't make me feel any worse.  I also feel very disorientated all the time.  In the house, in the yard, driving, just all the time.  This feeling of slight confusion or something along those lines is very hard.  I don't fit anymore is a perfect analogy.  I feel as though my comfort zone has been shattered.  I'm not comfortable anywhere... not on the couch, not in the yard, not on the phone, not in the car, not with the occasional friend, not alone (you get the picture).  

With Brian I was comfortable and I miss that comfort.  

[KayC]

15 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

My primary just gave me an anxiety med (BusPar)

I have been on this since 2008, it's the safest anxiety med I've found, I brought it to my PCP's attention back then and requested it as I didn't want an SSRI and I've had no side effects, will be on it for life as I've always had GAD and no one did anything about it. It helps me cope (in a gentle way).  I'd encourage you to give it a try.  My friend was prescribed SSRIs and it put her out of whack and caused her depression really bad so I suggested this and her doctor was on board with it, it can take 1-2 weeks to kick in completely but she started feeling better within the week!

[shawnt]

I look at drugs like tools, of course you can use a rock to pound a nail in but a hammer does the job better and you don't whack your thumb(as often).

For now I am only using sleeping pills but if my emotions stay on this roller coast of agony I will look for a tool that will help .

On a slightly different thought I remember when I was young and changed schools or moved on I had similar disorientation. My mind searching for the familiar and trying to learn the lay of the land. The bulk of my adult life was spent loving Suzy and it became my home and life and now I am in a new place and forced to adapt. It may take longer because I was with Sue for the longest period of my life (more than 1/2). If that makes sense or am I looking at it wrong.

[shawnt]

I had another thought on why the anxiety and disorientation feel so severe; everything else is the same, same house, same bed,same children, same business (with one desk empty), same roads, somehow it's me that is different. My children seem to be progressing,Sues friends continue doing their life. It's me , it's us . The cheese stands alone.

[Nancy2]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

My primary just gave me an anxiety med (BusPar) because she thinks the continuous shortness of breath is constant anxiety attacks.   I just think it's from crying all the time.  Haven't started taking them yet but as Shawnt said... it can't make me feel any worse.  I also feel very disorientated all the time.  In the house, in the yard, driving, just all the time.  This feeling of slight confusion or something along those lines is very hard.  I don't fit anymore is a perfect analogy.  I feel as though my comfort zone has been shattered.  I'm not comfortable anywhere... not on the couch, not in the yard, not on the phone, not in the car, not with the occasional friend, not alone (you get the picture).  

With Brian I was comfortable and I miss that comfort.  

My sentiments exactly.  I miss that comfort too and the daily interactions, the conversations, the support.  I have been on Buspar for about 5 years.  I increased my dosage last year.  It helps a lot to keep me calm and tame my obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and panic.  But really I am still so very sad, I cry throughout the day, and I still can't believe it though I know it's true.  I am still in shock, still angry but now more sad than angry, still feeling guilty about so much, but the Buspar helps me not think about the reasons for my guilt.  When I am overwhelmed, I go outside and take a short walk, call somebody, text, read, watch TV, go out to eat by myself and sit for hours reading.  I am planning another big vacation soon.  Some people find comfort living in the same house that they did with their loved one, and I do a little bit, but mostly I feel a profound emptiness and sorrow being in the house when he is not here too.  I sound horrible, but really the Buspar helps me a lot.  It is just not a perfect panacea.

[Nancy2]

19 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I had another thought on why the anxiety and disorientation feel so severe; everything else is the same, same house, same bed,same children, same business (with one desk empty), same roads, somehow it's me that is different. My children seem to be progressing,Sues friends continue doing their life. It's me , it's us . The cheese stands alone.

That's what I think.  Everything else, mostly, is the same.  The same old lady who walks every day is still alive and walking.  My house is the same.  The people I know have the same lives and so far the same living spouses going to the same restaurants.  And here I am with so much change and bad change, and for my husband, it is really sad, a major change: death.  He didn't like change. I have never been good at accepting the unfairness of life.

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

it can take 1-2 weeks to kick in completely but she started feeling better within the week!

Started it today.  Hoping for a tiny bit of relief from these panic episodes.  

[Sheilz]

39 minutes ago, shawnt said:

same roads, somehow it's me that is different. My children seem to be progressing,Sues friends continue doing their life. It's me , it's us .

Exactly and I don't know how to proceed without Brian  It seems too much to go through without my "comfort" person by my side.  Everything is the same except "us".  30 years together can't just turn into a solo trip without trouble (and sometimes I feel I am drowning in my troubles).  

[Sheilz]

43 minutes ago, Nancy2 said:

When I am overwhelmed, I go outside and take a short walk, call somebody, text, read, watch TV, go out to eat by myself and sit for hours reading. 

Glad to hear that the med works even if just a bit.  I'm hoping for some relief too.  I'm not sure if it will help the overwhelming feeling of everything.  I went from being a woman that could take care of most things to a woman that can barely get something to eat for herself.  Going outside hurts, having someone come over hurts.... I just want to stop hurting & missing him.  I'm going through a tough time with constantly seeing his face as I found him in the garage that day.  I close my eyes & I see his face... I have my eyes open & I see his face.  Memories are crashing in on me big time. Part of me thinks I'm starting to lose it & deep inside the thought scares me.  But I don't really care.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions to get through the day.

[Sheilz]

36 minutes ago, Nancy2 said:

my husband, it is really sad, a major change: death.  He didn't like change. I have never been good at accepting the unfairness of life.

We both hated change more & more as we grew older together.

Change sux... life sux

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

We both hated change more & more as we grew older together.

Change sux... life sux

You know I used to joke "Life sucks and then you die." Sometimes there's truth to that though, esp. when someone has cancer..

[WithoutHer]

2 minutes ago, Gator M said:

And then there is... "life sucks and then your partner dies...and you are left alone"

For Vickie and I life sucked until we met. Then life still had it's ups and downs but together we were near perfect. Then she died and now my life really sucks and yes I am more alone than I could ever imagine. "What now?" For me is a question that for the rest of my days will go unanswered.

[Sheilz]

5 hours ago, Gator M said:

Have you tried THC or Delta 8?  

Actually never thought of it.  Never heard of Delta 8.  Cannabis is legal here in Massachusetts & we have "pot shops" everywhere.  At least it's another option for me.  Do you know of anyone that it helps?  Wonder if it would interact with other meds?   I'm going to do some investigating.  

[Sheilz]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

together we were near perfect

It's so unfair.  We were so happy & had so much more life to live.  What now?????  I will always want what I can't have............

6 minutes ago, Gator M said:

it greatly helped with anxiety

Thank you so much for the suggestion. 

[WithoutHer]

21 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

What now?????  I will always want what I can't have............

Exactly that is the problem for all of us. The death of our other half leaves a hole in our life so deep it can only be filled and repaired by their return. Death is final making that impossible leaving us with the awful task of trying to survive without them. I never loved the way I loved Vickie nor she me and we acknowledged that to each other. We are born into a world we are guaranteed to suffer before we leave if a true love finds us.

[WithoutHer]

7 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Says it all.

I'm not suicidal but I don't want to be here either.

I believe in Heaven and nothing here compares.  God has other plans so I'll be here waiting. 

What I find perplexing is God knows I'm a total mess so why leave me here?  

His ways are are not my ways...

We've been here before. Vickie loved life and would want me to continue. I hope she is aware of how her loss has affected me. 

[Sheilz]

32 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I hope she is aware of how her loss has affected me. 

I think about this & it makes me sad to think that Brian sees how broken I am now.  I don't want him to feel guilty or sad that he is the cause of this heartbreak.  I have a little niggling thought that he would be so happy to be with me again.  I realize there is no sadness or guilt etc. in heaven but I can't help but wondering...........