Grief Group - helpful?

[Mama_Bear_11]

Hi all,

My sister in law is pushing hard for me to join an in-person grief group. While I know they can be helpful, I am an empath and tend to soak up others' emotions, and I think that would be absolutely detrimental to my well-being! She doesn't seem to understand that, and thinks I’m being shy. It's more that soaking up others' grief can really drag me down for days (or weeks), and with kids to care for, I can't manage that.

This forum is lovely; maybe being the internet, I don't tend to pick up the emotions quite as much. I feel this is enough.

What have you experienced?

[KayC]

I used to run a grief support group and it was very helpful to the participants.  We got close, people could share or not share, up to them.  I had materials we covered. We often went out for lunch together afterwards.  

But not everyone does this, and grief support groups are very varied.

Whether or not you do this is entirely up to you!  The same with griefshare, etc or counseling.  The counselor I had after losing George was a nightmare!  He said he was a grief counselor....nope!  He should have stuck to drug and alcohol counseling, something he was good at and first hand experience with.

On my other site, the admin. is a retired grief counselor, she has so many helps and articles and we've become friends over the years.  I've gotten so much from her! 

Every grief "help" that comes along varies, just as all of us are varied.  I would say nothing is for everyone!  If you want to try it out, do so, but listen to your gut and don't feel compelled or forced to do anything you don't want to.

That's my opinion, for what it's worth.

[widower2]

Bottom line, go with what works. It's clearly not for you, so don't do it. It doesn't matter if it works for others or not.

I tried it and didn't care for it either, for different reasons. 

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, widower2 said:

Bottom line, go with what works. It's clearly not for you, so don't do it. It doesn't matter if it works for others or not.

I tried it and didn't care for it either, for different reasons. 

Absolutely spot on!  I tried a support group for my specific auto-immune conditions and disliked it immensely.  It wasn't just that some members only wanted to sit and vent about how bad everything was for them, not that that isn't a good thing to do at times, but the negative energy depressed me at a time when my then new to me situational depression was not well controlled.  I certainly didn't want some sort of "cheerleader" situation, but I had hoped for some helpful back-and-forth discussion.

I never even tried the spouse loss support groups where we live now.   One is through a hospice organization and the other is through the local cancer foundation, which had been simply fantastic throughout John's journey.  I’m sure they are excellent groups, but I felt like it would be too much pressure, even though I would likely be the one pressuring myself, to talk, cry, and rant to strangers.  The very thought of it exhausted and upset me even more than I already was. 

For 6 months, I didn't have anyone to talk to who could completely understand.  I had and still have wonderful small circles of friends and family who have been with me every step of the way, but until last August*, none of them could fully "get it" and I didn't want them to for a very long time.  (*My newer friend who lost her husband suddenly.)  I was really angry one night in December 2018 because I was sick of people I/we didn't know well trying to compare some other loss to my losing John.  Even though I knew their intentions were to try to connect or show sympathy, I was just fed up.  So I got online and ended up here.  In less than a day, I had been welcomed, given some good advice, and felt like this community was the right fit for me.  Personal, but on my terms, so I could talk (well, write) or just read and be here when I felt up to it.  This forum and the members here are the grief support group that works for me and that has been a true grace in my life.

[RichS]

I attend one that only meets once a month. Nice people, for sure; but I quickly discovered that I needed more than that. This forced me to search the internet and somehow I discovered this site. This became my primary source since then.

[Sparky1]

I had a grief counselor and we only talked through the phone because of covid. She was amazing and she did care and understood what I was going through. But...... being here has helped me immensely and more than an actual counselor. It's like a family here and we are here supporting each other emotionally. Any time of day, any day you need.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

Even with Griefshare.org, I keep having setbacks.

Hi Gator M.  I just want to mention that throughout my first 2 years or so, I had setbacks.  "Two steps forward, one step back" was a pretty common thought for me.  And I have excellent, caring, loving small circles of friends and family here for me then and now.

At first, I had so many setbacks that I thought I'd never find my forward at all.  After a while, I realized that this grief journey has twists and turns, mountains to climb, overgrown side roads, and even u-turns and circles.    I guess what I'm trying to say that I'd be surprised if you weren't having setbacks at this point.  Even with help, comfort, support, and faith, we're only human with all the foibles and imperfections that go along with that. 

If you find you need more, it wouldn't hurt to ask for a referral to a grief counselor.  Not just any old "therapist," but one who specialized in grief and trauma.  Your local hospice might have suggestions.  Your church may as well.  I'm sure you know it is not a sign of weakness to reach out and up and say, "Please help."

[foreverhis]

12 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I travel a lot and my schedule has been crazy.  

Well that certainly complicates your search, I'm sure.  I hope you're able to find someone who is the right fit for you and that will truly be able to help.

[KayC]

Gator, could you find a local grief COUNSELOR (not support group,in addition to), and do zoom meetings when you have to travel, in person when home?  Once every week or two maybe...not a month in between, imo, that's too long.

[RichS]

12 hours ago, Gator M said:

I am looking for a grief counselor...I travel a lot and my schedule has been crazy.

Gator:  I located some information in South Louisiana. Check it out:

 

Grief Counseling Services, LLC

No reviews · Counselor

Baton Rouge, LA · In CAMDEN OFFICE PARK · (225) 999-1439

 

Website

 

Directions

 

Healing House

5.0(15) · Social services organization

Lafayette, LA · (337) 234-0443

 

Website

 

Directions

 

Grief Recovery Center

5.0(4) · Mental health service

Baton Rouge, LA · (225) 924-6621

Open ⋅ Closes 5 PM

Medicaid accepted

[RichS]

Gator:  What town do you live in?

[RichS]

35 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Covington, LA 

Here's a link to a bunch of grief therapists in your area:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/la/covington?category=grief

[Jemiga70]

On 4/21/2023 at 12:25 PM, Mama_Bear_11 said:

What have you experienced?

I tried a Zoom support group for men who'd lost their partner. The guys were great, but the conversations didn't mitigate my pain.  Then I tried another Zoom group based in the UK. The facilitators were highly credentialed and lovely people, but again same deal.

In person counseling has mostly been a waste of money. I wish I had that money back. Neither counselor could relate to my anguish. I stopped going.

I did EMDR sessions. Those might've helped diminish the neurobiological trauma of witnessing my wife's sudden death.

No, the only things that have helped me have been this forum, some excellent afterlife info sources online, and my sitting with a medium, which was amazing.  Perhaps I'll talk about that on another thread sometime.

I know what you mean about being an empath @Mama_Bear_11.  Wish you some peace,

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Neither counselor could relate to my anguish. I stopped going.

I would too.  It all depends on who we get as to whether or not it's beneficial or horrible experience.  Like I said, my friend has a Thanatology Degree and is a retired grief counselor, and she has been more beneficial to me over the years, she has a grief website, back then it was more active, her "helps" are amazing, she has a blog site and discussion group but most amazing are her articles, lists of books, etc.  Her counsel has been so worthwhile over the years!

[DWS]

On 4/22/2023 at 8:54 AM, Sparky1 said:

But...... being here has helped me immensely and more than an actual counselor. It's like a family here and we are here supporting each other emotionally. Any time of day, any day you need.

That's what I've discovered as well. I think this is likely more the case for those of us grieving the loss of loving partners and spouses because we've lost our essential daily companion...our go-to conversationalist, our sounding board, the one we bounce thoughts and ideas off...our whim-catcher!

For sure, some people may not be so fortunate in their relationships and marriages but certainly for those of us who end up on this site and continually gravitate to it, we're suffering the greatest void in our lives. An understanding grief counselor can help wonders but they can't be with us every hour of the day.  I can see the good that could come out of a local support group but I think that would really rely on the personalities that are there...so a bit of a gamble. I know that during all of this time of grief and loss, my mind has been going well over a mile a minute with continual thoughts and questions that need to be released. This site allows for some of that to be expressed. 

[widower2]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

What I'm looking for is a Grief Group that does social events...actually gets together not on-line.   Go as group to go eat, watch a movie or a ballgame or just hang out.  I was in a singles group after my divorce...it occupied my time with others who can relate. 

I didn't see a Widow/Widower group specifically, but some social options here, and tons more if Nawlins area isn't too far:

https://www.meetup.com/find/?location=us--la--Covington&source=GROUPS&distance=fiftyMiles

[AJ4]

I went to a griefshare group for a few weeks.  It was hard, emotionally.  I also react strongly to emotion in others, and I'd cry during the meeting, and feel exhausted by emotion.  But in the days after that I would feel lighter, less pent up.  I felt like it helped me get things out and feel less alone.  Unfortunately, the only one I could find was very religiously based, and I just was stymied and distracted by that until I gave up going.  I didn't want to be preached to. I don't want to be told that their way is the right way, the only way (face it, this is what most religions are about).   I am not a religious person althougth I have my own spiritual side.   It was after I stopped going to that group that I found this group.  

[KayC]

I am sorry they used grief as a platform on which to preach...we did not do that in the grief support group I led.  Not at all.  We are there for grievers, not to  proselytize. 

[widower2]

Yeah I went to several church-hosted grief groups and they weren't even the slightest bit preachy. Sorry your experience was different. 

[widower2]

Again I can only speak of my experiences - I haven't found people in church in general to talk or think "preachy" at all. And the grief group sessions weren't even a tiny bit religious. They were just trying to help people grieving.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Gator M said:

But to me that's not preachy. 

It might feel that way to a non-believer though.  All in perspective.

[widower2]

18 hours ago, Gator M said:

Our's suggested to lean on God and support ...which alot of time were church members.

It's everyday speech for me.  

But to me that's not preachy. 

I guess it's in how it's done. No one IMO going to a group session at a church should be surprised (or offended) if something like that is simply mentioned, or say a quick prayer done at the end of it. But they shouldn't ask someone point blank about their beliefs or make the whole thing "religion based," if you know what I mean....or if that is the intent, it should be made clear up front. 

[William M]

This is my group right here. It got me through the really bad part........ Grateful!

[KayC]

I'm glad.  I love how the people here are HERE for each other!  

[Sheilz]

On 4/25/2023 at 8:13 AM, DWS said:

I think this is likely more the case for those of us grieving the loss of loving partners and spouses because we've lost our essential daily companion...our go-to conversationalist, our sounding board, the one we bounce thoughts and ideas off...our whim-catcher!

Yup, exactly.  My husband was my "all", my right hand man.  I try to post one comment a day here just so I have something to look forward to (a response, a "hug",  idea, etc).  But now I find myself running to the computer all the time to see if I have any emails or anything new on this site.  Conversation with someone that doesn't understand is just exhausting.  I have a friend that has asked me to go to a big cookout this weekend for Memorial Day celebrations.  She thinks I need to get out & with people.  Today is only 2 weeks since my life changed.  I can't even leave the house, or go in the yard without a panic attack.  The pain is so great.  People mean well but don't want me crying every time time they call me.  My thoughts are... "Well don't call me then".   I don't care.  I don't care about anything.

My question is at what stage of this journey does someone look for grief support groups?  I've looked online & there are a couple around that meet weekly.  I'm not ready to leave the house for necessary things yet, but wondered if a support group would be my first solo event.  I'm desperately trying to keep it together.  I just want one more hug from him.

On 4/25/2023 at 12:41 PM, Gator M said:

As of now, this ain't real pleasant...or functional. 

 

[DWS]

40 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

She thinks I need to get out & with people.  Today is only 2 weeks since my life changed.  I can't even leave the house, or go in the yard without a panic attack.  The pain is so great.  People mean well but don't want me crying every time time they call me.  My thoughts are... "Well don't call me then".   I don't care.  I don't care about anything.

Oh wow...I am so sorry to hear that you have people encouraging you to start to get out after only two weeks since the greatest loss in your life. So many just don't get it and think the way to "fix" you is to cheer you up. It may be good intentions on their part but it's actually the absolute worst thing for them to do. I know those panic attacks of just stepping out to the yard and so many here know them too. You're not alone here on this site and you can cry all you want to.

40 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

My question is at what stage of this journey does someone look for grief support groups?  I've looked online & there are a couple around that meet weekly.  I'm not ready to leave the house for necessary things yet, but wondered if a support group would be my first solo event.  I'm desperately trying to keep it together.  I just want one more hug from him.

I did the very same thing...thought a grief support group was the answer around week two. There was an online one that I found and was already to Zoom with them and then bailed out one minute before it started. I wasn't ready and thankfully recognized that. How on earth was I ready to discuss my partner's passing with strangers in a webchat when I still wasn't even ready to accept the truth he was gone!! 

A few weeks later, I had my first session with a grief therapist. She calmed me and reassured me that I did the right thing. She doesn't recommend grief support groups for at least three months or more because we need that time to do a lot of processing of the loss. I think we need to come to grips with what happened and gain a bit of footing before we surround ourselves with the various personalities in local support groups. 

[RichS]

37 minutes ago, DWS said:

My question is at what stage of this journey does someone look for grief support groups?  I've looked online & there are a couple around that meet weekly.

I can't say when the right time is. I started going to a grief support group two months after Chris passed away. It probably would have happened sooner but my son and I were busy going to Florida and bringing our uncle up here. Unfortunately, that group only meets once a month and I knew I needed more frequent help. In January, I was lucky (blessed??) enough to find this board. I would say that it's doing the most towards helping me on my grief journey. I still attend the other group once a month.

To sum it all up, the members on this board will help you with whatever you may not be getting through any support groups. Using both would be the best option when you're ready.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

My question is at what stage of this journey does someone look for grief support groups?

That is a question you could ask 100 people and get 100 different answers, because it's your timeline, your journey, and up to you.  But two weeks does seem a bit early. I got a grief counselor very early on and discovered something...just because someone hangs their plaque on the wall does NOT make them a "grief counselor" and especially not necessarily a GOOD one! I fired him early on. It started when he loaned me a book and the opening sentence was "I took my wedding band off."  WHAT?!!  It clearly showed he didn't get it..  PLUS he fed me the "If my wife died, I'd have to move on...." What the?!  (No, they actually divorced..)  I was lucky to get an on-line grief counselor through my other forum, and she was amazing!  They didn't have a grief support group here in town until I started one, years later.

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, DWS said:

A few weeks later, I had my first session with a grief therapist.

I've looked for grief therapists in my area.  I honestly would love one that was by phone or zoom, etc. because I can't fathom leaving the house.  I dread the time that I need to do in-person paperwork, stores, etc.  I even contacted my Primary Doctor for advice through the portal.  There is a Therapist shortage around here.  (figures, right?)  There are long long waiting lists to see one.  So they now have "temporary" therapists.  You can only have up to 6-8 sessions total.  Then they dump you or try to find someone else to finish the job.  I am signed up to see one but the closest appt is in 5 weeks.  Even the temporary therapists are hard to get.  Plus she is not a grief therapist.  So who knows.  

Today has been just terrible.  I almost seem to be going backwards.  I don't have family near by & my friend wants me to start going out already.  She's a single woman & has been for about 20 years so she sees me as a potential "run around" friend up for anything.  I'm never ever going to be that but it's so intimidating to constantly tell her I'm not up to it because I don't want to offend my only friend.  I'm sure I will need her at some point.  However, she has not offered to help me in any other way except getting out of the house.

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, RichS said:

I was lucky (blessed??) enough to find this board. I would say that it's doing the most towards helping me on my grief journey.

I agree with you.  So far it's the only place or solace I have found.  No one understands & I'm sure at one point I wouldn't have understood either.  So I try not to take things personally but that's hard too.  

[Sheilz]

On 4/25/2023 at 12:41 PM, Gator M said:

I'd have rather done nothing with Ann than anything without her.    We ENJOYED just being together.   You can't replace that. NOR do I want to.  

This is the toughest part.  I don't want to even live without Brian because we enjoyed just being together.  We were simply content together.  I will never replace it because I don't ever want to.  

[Sheilz]

14 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I have no idea what to do with myself without her but I'm not in a hurry to go.

Wish I felt the same.  I feel that Brian would be happier if I joined him & were together again.  I keep seeing his smiling face when he turns & seems me coming.  But instead I try to get out of bed in the morning & eat something during the day while I wait for the night to come so I can be done with another day.  Just another day.  

[RichS]

39 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

he loved life and would want me to continue even though as I've said before if she is watching over me she knows I'm having a very difficult time without her.

I often think the same way. Chris would want my son and I to go on living our lives. Like many of you, I pray that God give me strength to at least go through the motions each day; and sometimes a little better than that.  I sometimes think of Chris and my other deceased relatives and friends praying for us. Hope their knees aren't getting too sore in heaven.   I know they worry about us.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I've looked for grief therapists in my area.  I honestly would love one that was by phone or zoom, etc. because I can't fathom leaving the house.

That is how I felt too and thankfully, because of covid concerns a year ago, I had the choice of meeting in person, zoom or phone. I chose phone which suits me best. I can sit in a comfortable chair and also walk around rather than be restricted facing her. And back then if I went in person, I'd have to wear a mask which gets very very messy and awkward when you're crying and your nose runs. 

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

Today has been just terrible.  I almost seem to be going backwards.  I don't have family near by & my friend wants me to start going out already.  She's a single woman & has been for about 20 years so she sees me as a potential "run around" friend up for anything.  I'm never ever going to be that but it's so intimidating to constantly tell her I'm not up to it because I don't want to offend my only friend.  I'm sure I will need her at some point.  However, she has not offered to help me in any other way except getting out of the house.

That sounds like a really tough place to be. I hope your friend comes around to the reality of your pain because it can be exhausting holding back tears. I will feel achiness in my forehead and stinging around my eyes...something physical that only is relieved by releasing the tears. As for feeling you're going backwards, please try not to judge yourself and any "progress" that you think may be occurring. Understand that you have grief because of the love for your husband. The love remains despite his absence. I found it was that love that eventually gave me some clarity and strength for why I hurt and resented those who tried to take that away from me.

[shawnt]

My mother had a strong faith and I envied how much comfort it have her.

People of faith are trying to help because it really helps them,I don't resent them because it is unavailable to me,they mean well.

I fully understand the urge to follow my wife. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, DWS said:

I hope your friend comes around to the reality of your pain because it can be exhausting holding back tears.

I would not hold back the tears.  Your friend can stick around or not but it's way too hard to hold them in. I've cried driving (and had to pull over), I've cried in the grocery store, I've cried in front of my grown kids (friends all ditched me immediately), I've cried in the shuttle on my way from my auto repair.  It's okay.

[widower2]

I guess for me it's a question of when or where. I know crying (esp even in today's society, men more so) makes people very uncomfortable and it's awkward so I almost never cried in front of someone...there were a few times in public early on where it would hit me and it was all I could do to either hold it in or quickly find someplace away to let it out.

[shawnt]

You are right men crying in public is not looked at well by most people. I was raised to suck it up and don't show your pain to others. I think that hinders us as functioning people now. I am sorry I raised my son's with the same attitude. It has made sharing their pain harder, their mother was the soft heart in our family and when we spoke about what she wanted me to do for them. The only thing she made me promise was to be patient, and I am going to my best even though it is does not come naturally.

As a side note if my contributions seem off time I am having trouble navigating the site

 

[widower2]

I guess for me it's not really a question of sucking it up but that my grief is a private matter; maybe that's part of why I didn't care for the grief group thing. I'm not into breaking down in front of people but especially people I don't even really know. 

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I'm not into breaking down in front of people but especially people I don't even really know. 

Hey the up side to having been through this is I don't have to see any of those people again...it was out of town for working, doctors, car repair, etc.

 

[widower2]

Sure Kay and PS I'm not saying it's right or wrong in the least, it's simply what works for me  

[widower2]

Got ya...I was really talking more about the crying part. I get wanting/needing to discuss. Early on I went to a grief counselor and talked about it a lot, I needed to unload, and broke down more than once, but with one person, and someone who was not only a grief counselor but also had lost someone and "got it." That was huge.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

I was really talking more about the crying part.

It could be it's different for men than women, but I couldn't have stopped it if I'd wanted to.

But then, I never did care much what others think of me.

 

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

What I'm going through now sux...I can do things that MUST be done but I'm not doing anything I don't have to.

It's been 4.5 months and I'm getting worse.

You're right.  This sux.  I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.  And I'm so sorry you feel like you're getting worse.  

I thought for a split second about going to a cookout this weekend but the thought of driving there alone, walking in there alone is just something I can't do yet.  We use to give each other the "eye" when it was time to leave.  

[Bou]

I have been told I need to see someone. I am told this when friends and family are sick of hearing it and don’t know how to help me.   Makes me not want to say anything.  It’s a double edge sword they want to be there for you yet they want you fixed quick because they don’t know what to say. I am a private person.  Have been coming here since searching for answers. What I had with my husband most people wish for. My best friend my everything.  I miss him.  I am lonely. Lost with out him.  We did mostly everything together. He passed from COVID. Underlying issues brought to surface from COVID.  He went into the hospital and he didn’t come out. He died alone until he was on his last breaths then he whole family was able to suit up and see him, unresponsive moments from death.  At the beginning of the week he was doing better than went from 0-10 This happened 6 days before Christmas 2021.  I don’t know when I stopped crying daily multiple times a day.  It just happened.  I was told we really don’t stop crying but that our tears just dry up. I have been in and out of the stages of grief and I know I will continue.   I feel guilty for hoping that I will meet someone to share life with.  I am lonely. At the same time I don’t want to take on another persons baggage.  I am in my fifties and I like to go, do things be active.  I know I will never have what I had but I have hope that I could at least have someone to share this journey with and maybe it could be something great or wonderful.  It was always known if one of us passed away the other was too move on.  Life is for living and he wouldn’t want me sad and miserable all the time. He would want me happy and to live my best life.  His passing was quick and unexpected.  You think when you are going into the hospital you are going to get better never did I think he would not return home

 thank you all for sharing it’s not easy and unless you are in this you really can’t relate   It’s not something you can fully understand nor do our brains ever want too

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, all the more hard during Covid.  You've found a good group here, people who get it, we're like a family from all over.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

6 minutes ago, KayC said:

You've found a good group here, people who get it, we're like a family from all over.

Kay says it well. Here you'll find a great group of caring, sympathetic people who have and are still going through the grief that you feel. I encourage you to continue to post here. Venting, sharing you thoughts and feelings or whatever concerns you. We're here to listen and offer any advice, if we can. WELCOME TO OUR BOARD!!

[DWS]

20 hours ago, Bou said:

I have been told I need to see someone. I am told this when friends and family are sick of hearing it and don’t know how to help me.   Makes me not want to say anything.  It’s a double edge sword they want to be there for you yet they want you fixed quick because they don’t know what to say. 

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband...just a year and half ago....and your agonizing experience of not only dealing with the loss but the oh-so-common dismissiveness/apathy/frustration of friends and family. The majority of us on this site can certainly relate. Your comment about not wanting to say anything brought tears to my eyes. It's so cruel and unfair how we eventually learn that we need to keep our grief inside because the "others" are sick of hearing it while they continue to live out their daily lives in the normal, non-grieving manner that we once knew!!

20 hours ago, Bou said:

I feel guilty for hoping that I will meet someone to share life with.  I am lonely. At the same time I don’t want to take on another persons baggage. 

I don't think there's any reason to feel guilty in wanting another companion in life. Maybe the better way to look at it is that your husband showed you how well two people can get along and work together...and now maybe you can show someone else that too. That's kind of how I'm starting to look at it. And as far as taking on someone else's baggage, well, they'd be taking on yours as well. I sometimes wonder just who on this earth would be able to handle me and my grief. Likely someone who fully understands the heaviness of carrying their own grief. 

[RichS]

12 minutes ago, DWS said:

It's so cruel and unfair how we eventually learn that we need to keep our grief inside because the "others" are sick of hearing it while they continue to live out their daily lives in the normal, non-grieving manner that we once knew!!

And they will continue to do that until unfortunately, they have a serious loss in their personal lives. I was never "sick of hearing" anyone's loss; but since my wife died almost a year ago, I've told many friends who have had losses that I now FEEL THEIR PAIN.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, DWS said:

I don't think there's any reason to feel guilty in wanting another companion in life. Maybe the better way to look at it is that your husband showed you how well two people can get along and work together...and now maybe you can show someone else that too.

Yet word of caution, get used to being alone first, find out who YOU are apart from being part of a couple, don't rush into anything, esp. with grief fog.  Don't make me tell you my horror story...