Healed, lonely, feel stuck

[Michelle123]

I intensely grieved the love of my life who passed away this year March it will be 8yrs. In November last year God told me my grieving is over. Im healed but I don’t know how to move on. I feel stuck. I lost all my friends along the way while I was grieving. I even planned assisted suicide because I felt so alone that I could not and did not want to go on but God rescued me from that. How do you move on when you know you are healed but being an introvert and the community I’m in, it’s difficult as my hubby was well loved and well known. 

[KayC]

It's been most of our experience that grieving is for life but it evolves and changes throughout our journey..  Most of us do not "move on" but learn to live with it and hone our coping skills.  I will miss my husband the rest of my life, and it's been over 17 1/2 years.

If you are wanting to engage yourself with others, make friends, enter a relationship, the best way to make a friend is to be one.  Put yourself out there, involve yourself with activities.  A good place to start would be volunteering, going to church, get to know your neighbors.  I know you're an introvert, so am I.  There's online dating but a word of caution, people present themselves however they want and not always realistically.  Go slow.  Start with friendship.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Michelle123]

Thank you so much for your words and your tips. Yes you are hitting the nail on the head, Im not moving on without him in my life. I loved him so intensely that he is part of me, my being and always always in my heart❤️❤️

[KayC]

I hope you'll continue coming here, reading and posting, it helps to know you're not alone in this, we may all be different years/days out but we're all in this together.  This is a group of people, like a family from all over the world, that care about each other.  It also helps process our grief no matter where we're at in our journey.  We all stand to learn something and one never knows from whose lips (or pen) it may come from!

[Gail 8588]

Michelle 123,

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband was a bigger than life charismatic person who was loved by very many people. I am also a life long introvert. So I relate to some aspects of how you are feeling. 

I don't know if you are working, or raising children  or have other obligations taking your time and energy.  But I am retired. So I just retreated into my home during my early years of grief. 

When I finally felt like I needed to start living again my goal really was to just feel connected to the world and people again.  For me, volunteering helped to rebuild connections to the world.  I had been a member of a women's bible study group, but I volunteered to be treasurer.  It made me become more engaged with the group and responsible for tasks. I became a board member of an environmental group I like. That also forced me to be more involved. 

I am not looking for a romantic relationship, just want to feel engaged in life again.  Even if I did want a romantic relationship, I think I would rather find it by being involved in an activity I support than by trying to sort through on line dating sites where the people could be completely misrepresenting themselves. 

It takes time and effort to build a friendship. I think it makes sense to work on building friendships doing activities you know you like.  Volunteer at an animal shelter and you will meet people who have a love for animals, take cooking classes if you enjoy cooking, my sister-in-law volunteers holding, rocking and singing to premature babies in the NICU. She is becoming close friends with 2 of the nurses she met there. 

If you are working full time or have other obligations these suggestions may not apply to your situation.

But like Kay said, I would be reluctant to try to meet people through online dating services. 

Good luck as you find your way forward. Come here to share or vent as you feel the need. We understand how hard this is, and we are pulling for you.

Gail

[Michelle123]

Hi Gail. Thank you so much for your suggestions. I am still on temporary disability but will be starting to work by the end of the month. So you are right, volunteering is a great idea. I love the idea of working in the NICU wiith holding and rocking prem babies. I will find out by our local state hospital if it’s possible. My youngest daughter is also expecting a baby but she is in the very beginning. I’m trying to be part of her journey but as we all know our kids at that age form friendships with other ladies and sometimes seem to want them more with her than me. I’ve been told it’s normal but I don’t like it. So I need to take my mind off the negativity of that. Thanks again Gail. Much blessings. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you whatever peace you can find in this insane time and hope this site can help. 

[TGold]

So very sorry for your loss. I’ll never heal.  I met the love of my life and he was ripped away so fast.  I tip my hat to those who are at the point where they feel like they can motivate to move forward and experience the life that lies ahead.  I can’t imagine feeling that.  I know he’ll always be with me but memories aren’t enough.  I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to live in this world without him. 
 

How did God tell you?  Do I need to pray to God to know?  Religion has never been a go to for me.  No one is telling me anything except how f’ing hard it is to get through a single day.  I’m so sick of feeling this way. 

[Michelle123]

Hi @TGold.  I totally understand where you are at. I was there for 7yrs. I know the feeling and got so angry because people would say the most stupid things to me. Later I just smiled at them because they are not walking in my shoes. You see I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior about 32yrs ago (wow it makes me feel very old) and He totally transformed my life and later my hubby’s. Hos word says we will know His voice. It can either be audible- which happened a few times or it can happen in your inside - just a knowing or through the Bible. I still get my days where the devil want to trip me up but then I get up and do something like cooking up a storm and have many frozen meals because I really detest cooking. So if I cook it’s one of those days. Be gentle on yourself and be patient. I know so well how you feel. I was totally suicidal but God was with me in that dark place. All I want to do now is to be there for people and love on them because I did not get that. Not even from my grown up kids. I was told to get over myself and that I never had faith blah blah blah. Walk this out day by day even if it’s moment by moment. Know I’m here and we are a whole community that is rooting for you. This is your walk - so nobody can tell you how to or how long this will take. For most people I know it was quicker than mine but I did not care. It was my walk. We all love you❤️

[TGold]

Thank you for your kind words. For me, even as a Jew, my religion always been more about my heritage - an identifier, I have never sought out religion to help me through the hardest of times.  Perhaps many of you feel I’m missing out.  My religious relatives are different and attend God synagogue every Sat morning without fail. For me, my personal synagogue is being in nature.  
 

I don’t know who I am anymore, part of me is tired of trying to figure it out.  Grief is exhausting.  I’m always thrilled to  hear that people in our unlucky shoes have found motivation and comfort through religion or other means.  We all deserve peace.

[Michelle123]

@TGoldJust know that Jesus have a soft spot for the Jewish people. He loves you unconditionally and even if you feel that you connect with Him in nature it’s okay for now. It’s your own personal walk. I know that I didn’t want to go to church on a Sunday but I kept listening to teachings and I did our online church if I felt I can’t do church today. Accept that Jesus wants to love you and live in you. Ps 23 says even if you go through the valley of death He is with you. Heb 13:5 says He will never leave nor forsake you. I’m praying for you my friend. 

[Gail 8588]

@TGold

I don't feel like my religion, my belief in God or my lack of faith, played much of a role in my 'getting better'.  

I'm not really sure what I believe in. I don't think God picks out a favored one or two people in every hundred who are desperately praying that their child or their spouse be spared illness, injury or death.  Yet I still pray for people in their time of need. Sort of, it can't hurt philosophy.

I am in awe of this incredible world we live in. The complexity, beauty, fragility of of all forms of life and all of the infrastructure (from plate tectonics to ozone layers, magnetic fields and the water cycle)  that supports and renews life on this planet. We have been given this gift to experience life, full of so many wonders, it seems incredibly self centered and ungrateful to intentionally cut short our time on earth.  So even though I don't actually know who it would be being ungrateful towards, I didn't want to be that rude to the creator to just reject this wonderous gift.

I do feel jealous at times, or admire, people who have a strong faith in any religion that gives them comfort and support. 

Gail

 

 

[Michelle123]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Michelle123 said:

people would say the most stupid things to me.

5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the
Cliches - answers to
What not to say in Grief
What to Say/Not to
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
12 Things Not to Say to Grieving Nonbelievers - Alternet.org

[KayC]

6 hours ago, TGold said:

I don’t know who I am anymore, part of me is tired of trying to figure it out.  Grief is exhausting.

Yes it is.  I wouldn't even try to figure it out.  Just getting through the day is a lot.  (((hugs)))

[movingon]

It's only been 3 weeks for me and although I am a recluse and introvert, being unable to drive plus not dealing well with this unbearable loneliness, I have forced myself to reach out to acquaintances...I have no true friends...if I could still drive, I might have just kept to myself right now( finding I really don't have much to say to people lately) . But I am forced against my reclusive will to reach out to others and that's been very difficult for me. I don't expect to make any overnight deep friendships, but the little idle chit chat here and there I can cope with..and in a small way, it helps me to get out of my head which is a depressing constant mind chatter..and then I get to come back home to my sanctuary. Years ago when I could still drive I wanted to do volunteer work at the nursing home in town or the animal rescue shelter. I just like helping. But we were in the midst of renovations and had little time to spare so that idea never came to be. But I think if I could still drive and one day in the future if I felt I was ready to move forward, I would go to where my passions lay and volunteer. There is something so gratifying in helping others 

[Michelle123]

Hi. I totally felt the same way. That is what the drs call depression and in the Bible it says “without vision we perish (dying on the inside). I felt that way for ao long. I didn’t even have the motivation to shower and get dressed. If I did that in a day it was a good day. Now that I’m out of that valley (how: my Faith - which I nearly lost in the whole time) and seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist with antideppresant meds. Even now that I feel I can get up, do things etc being an introvert it’s difficult. I’m not a person that goes to different places etc. My hubby was the people person. So then I went on a Christian dating site where the security was strict according to them. Well in three weeks I found 7 scammers. So thát didn’t work. So now I trust God to direct my steps. So what I’m saying is that it’s a process. It took me 7 and half years to feel I can go on with my hunk deeply embedded in my heart. Be kind and gracious to yourself. Be big enough to get help like I did when I realized I’m on a dark slippery slope. Every person’s walk is their own. This is your walk. You walk the way you see fit and know we are all here for you. Blessings. 🌸🌸

[Michelle123]

4 hours ago, maud said:

It's only been 3 weeks for me and although I am a recluse and introvert, being unable to drive plus not dealing well with this unbearable loneliness, I have forced myself to reach out to acquaintances...I have no true friends...if I could still drive, I might have just kept to myself right now( finding I really don't have much to say to people lately) . But I am forced against my reclusive will to reach out to others and that's been very difficult for me. I don't expect to make any overnight deep friendships, but the little idle chit chat here and there I can cope with..and in a small way, it helps me to get out of my head which is a depressing constant mind chatter..and then I get to come back home to my sanctuary. Years ago when I could still drive I wanted to do volunteer work at the nursing home in town or the animal rescue shelter. I just like helping. But we were in the midst of renovations and had little time to spare so that idea never came to be. But I think if I could still drive and one day in the future if I felt I was ready to move forward, I would go to where my passions lay and volunteer. There is something so gratifying in helping others 

Hi Maud. It’s awesome that you know what will make you feeling fulfilled. So take the bull by it’s horns and do it. Sorry, its a South African way of saying go for it. I’m so glad that you have a vision. So make a effort to go even if it’s once a week and only for the morning, go for it. I’m so excited for you. Phone them and ask if you can come. Let us know how it goes. Lots of love🌸🌸

[KayC]

11 hours ago, maud said:

I would go to where my passions lay and volunteer.

I am wondering if you couldn't volunteer if someone would give you a ride to/fro...for instance if you help at a dog rescue, someone else that volunteers picks you up and takes you home?  Or food distribution or whatever!  Volunteerism definitely pays back more to us than it takes.

9 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I'm just going through the motions and without a lot of purpose.

It took years for me to find purpose after losing George....so don't give up if it doesn't appear at first, it helps tremendously to have a reason to live, incentive to go on.  In the earlier days/years it is hard to get up, get dressed, and eat something.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Michelle123 said:

I trust God to direct my steps. So what I’m saying is that it’s a process. It took me 7 and half years to feel I can go on with my hunk deeply embedded in my heart.

This.

[RichS]

Michelle:  If there's only ONE GOOD THING that came out of losing my wife, was that I finally put my faith in Christ fully. Looking back, I was like, "that's a good idea, Lord. But I have these ideas of what I want to do and not want to do." Now, I've given him the steering wheel and let him do the driving. It's actually brought me some peace; in that I know that if I follow his way, in the short run it might present some problems, but in the long run it will be the best way. Even when some small or unexpected experience crosses my path, I automatically say, "OK, how do you want me to handle this?" Hopefully some day I'll get through most of this grieving process and if I do, it won't be solely by my own efforts.

[KayC]

I am glad to hear it Rich and glad it has brought you some relief, we can all use that relief. Peace...