"For now"

[gns247]

Me too. It has been such a battle on my part to get to see one.  The financial side of things is scaring me.  I don't want to think about it but it's there and will get worse very soon, so I can relate to having no $.  I'm sorry to hear about that happening to you with the life insurance. It seems you sometimes pay for insurance and when you need it and are entitled to it "something" always happens and you don't get it for whatever reason, but that's especially low in that circumstance to not have any help.  I'm so worried about what might happen to me with having somewhere to live.  We rent and now I have to pay for it all myself and that's almost impossible at the moment and if they raise it again, which they probably will, I don't want to think abut that.

[KayC]

There are some counselors that charge income based.  We had $120 in the bank when he died (listen, I'm still saying "we").  I lost my job a few months later and had to go to commuting, this was 17 years ago, I'd been making $17/hour, after commuting exp. I got $9/hr.  I barely ate and paid the bills.  My car's valves went out and I had to get a new car, thankfully it wasn't during this time as they've really gone up!  I had to remortgage the place, now I'm 70 and have ten years left to pay on a 45 year old mobile home that needs work.  I continue to take one day at a time.  My plans to pay this place off when I was 75 went to pot with my IRA taking a nosedive this year.  Praying God sees me through doing what I need to do.

I have had surgeries, broken bones, drove a stick shift car with knee and right arm injuries, you name it, I've been through it and somehow made it through.  I know God will help you too!  Stay in today and tell yourself "I can do today."  Then do it.  Break it down into the next hour or minute as need be.  
 

[gns247]

That sounds so scary to me.  That's what it will be like for me too I reckon.  I don't drive, can't afford to pay for lessons, can't afford to look after Greg's car or buy a different one, my job pays really low, if/when my rent goes up I have no idea what's going to happen to me.  I will be doing one day at a time for as long as I live as well.  I have a few physical problems and thoughts like what if I have an accident now or when my back goes who is going to help me have crossed my mind lately.  No one here to help me now.  You've done so well to get through so many years alone and are still fighting.  You are inspirational to me.  

[KayC]

That thought has occurred to me also, esp. since I have a three year old pup and no one to care for him, but I'd have to ask someone.  Try to stay in today and banish those thoughts, know that God is with you in everything you go through!

In Feb. it will be four years since the Snowpocalypse...an unpredicted storm, they told me it'd be north of here two hours and more, nope, we got 4'5" overnight and it froze down to 18 degrees, you couldn't shovel it!  I depend on firewood for my heating and although I had plenty of wood on the deck, I knew I'd run out within a week or so if I couldn't shovel my way out, so I shoveled the approximately 100 ft to the woodpile, but I couldn't go anywhere.  The electricity (and thus water as I'm on a well) was out over 8 days!  Although we didn't know it at the time, our town was cut off, the Hwy closed at both ends, no way in or out for days.  We were cut off from the world. I sent a text to my son but heard nothing back. No phone, no mail, no garbage service, no sign of plows, food going bad. I didn't want to put it outside where it'd attract wild animals..  I couldn't get to the storage area where the coolers are.  During the night it was pitch black and I could hear trees coming down all around us, waiting for one of them to strike my dog or I...it was one of the most frightening things I've ever been through!  I lived through it. ( Little did I know my dog would die in a few months of cancer.)  I later learned we made national news.

It seems life truly does have it's challenges, but one of the things it's taught me is we are survivors and we have more strength than we realize.  Draw from that strength.  I'd be an idiot to say not to be scared, although that is tempting, but I've heard it said that courage is being afraid and proceeding anyway.  I think there's truth to that!  God be with you, He has been with me.  (((hugs)))

[gns247]

How terrifying for you.  I can't imagine having to go through something like that with Greg here let alone all by myself.  I understand what you are saying to me and courage is exactly that for sure.  I just can't feel that way so soon and all I feel is that this will be how it is going to be for the rest of my days.  I don't want to be like this but so soon its still too raw to not feel any other way and see a way out.   I am fighting but sometimes it feels like I'm not sure why.  I appreciate your kind words.

[Ronni_W]

On 12/13/2022 at 1:39 AM, gns247 said:

I had my first counselling session yesterday.  It was awful.  Of course I had to replay the events to her (which I can't seem to stop doing every day anyway) but it was so painful.  I cried so much.  I'm not sure what to expect from this but that's all we did and all I expected to do on the first day.[...]

Hugs, gns247. You were right/accurate/correct in the first place: Your therapist/counselor should not be pushing you past where you can comfortably go without further traumatizing your own self. (Some "experts" are not expert at all, regardless of their education.) How I'd suggest is to not force yourself to replay, with people you don't yet know and do not yet fully trust, events that you're not yet ready to replay or share with others, and do not let anyone else force you do to that, either.     Is only my suggestion from only my personal experience. (If you want to, then tell your {current} counselor to smarten up and work with you or else you're going to keep looking until you find someone else who can and will do that; or, don't even bother to let this one know, and just find for yourself a different counselor; or, stick with this one. That is, you have at least 3 options, about this.)

I'm with you. For myself I have Christmas, my birthday and the anniversary of my late partner's birthday within 3 days of each other, and the anniversary of my Dad's death within 2 weeks of that. "Merry, jolly and festive"...this end-of-year season. Yeah, right. For lots of people, of course; but not for everyone.

[DWS]

11 hours ago, gns247 said:

 I understand what you are saying to me and courage is exactly that for sure.  I just can't feel that way so soon and all I feel is that this will be how it is going to be for the rest of my days.  I don't want to be like this but so soon its still too raw to not feel any other way and see a way out. 

Try to think that things are this way "for now". I truly believe that's one way we get through such horrible loss. It ties in with the loving advice of doing this one day at a time. We have no idea what lies ahead...good or bad (hopefully some good)....but this despair, emptiness, loneliness, endless longing for our persons, it's all happening for now. I don't like it...I absolutely hate it...but I'm trusting that there will be moments in my future that will feel lighter and the pain alleviates. It's only this way for now. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

Try to think that things are this way "for now". I truly believe that's one way we get through such horrible loss. It ties in with the loving advice of doing this one day at a time. We have no idea what lies ahead...good or bad (hopefully some good)....but this despair, emptiness, loneliness, endless longing for our persons, it's all happening for now. I don't like it...I absolutely hate it...but I'm trusting that there will be moments in my future that will feel lighter and the pain alleviates. It's only this way for now. 

I wish I could frame this!

[DWS]

Having a particularly challenging day of melancholy and sad contemplation so I needed to revisit this thread and give myself a warm reminder.

[KayC]

I love the title to this, "For now."  It's enough.  I hope your day got better, if not, today is a new day.  (((hugs)))

[Griefsucks810]

On 11/6/2022 at 11:46 AM, HisPumpkin said:

Hey lovelies,

I haven’t been about much, I’ve been isolating and just trying to get through my days. My “for now”s.

I was drawn to the subject heading as I’ve more recently been thinking on how I just can’t bring myself to say “goodbye” to D. I don’t think I ever will. And I came to the conclusion that all I can do is say “goodbye, for now - I’ll see you when I get there, love”. That is still so hard, but it also makes me hold on to the hope that eventually there will be reunion, in whatever comes after. Though I feel him with me always anyway, he’s just out of reach, beyond my level of direct access. But I can’t think of him being “gone”.

Aside from this, I do remind myself when those overwhelming waves hit, that the intensity is “for now”. That the reprieves between the crashes last a little longer than they did before, though the unrelenting sense of loss remains, the quiet sadness, the sense of not being whole - like a part of me went with him and that’s out of reach too. For now. 

I don’t feel quite whole without him, my love, my counterpart. Thinking on the future is still near impossible. As Kay has mentioned before, the thought of decades existing without his physical presence, it is overwhelming. For now - it’s gotten to be surviving day by day, which is progress from second to second. So looking over these past 7 months (how did that even happen?) I suppose objectively I can see baby steps of progress. 

My heart breaks for us all. Much love to everyone. 

“For now” I survive day by day and don’t think too far out of the future cuz I am fearful of the unknown. 

[DWS]

12 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

“For now” I survive day by day and don’t think too far out of the future cuz I am fearful of the unknown. 

Was it Scarlett O'hara that said "tomorrow is another day"? Who knew that that was her "for now" way of living. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

“For now” I survive day by day and don’t think too far out of the future cuz I am fearful of the unknown. 

Me too, been living this way for over 18 1/2 years, anything more invites anxiety.  Hence, one day at a time.  It's straight out of the Bible:

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/23/2024 at 9:23 AM, KayC said:

Me too, been living this way for over 18 1/2 years, anything more invites anxiety.  Hence, one day at a time.  It's straight out of the Bible:

Thank you for responding to my post and for sending me the verse from the Bible. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/22/2024 at 8:28 PM, Griefsucks810 said:

“For now” I survive day by day and don’t think too far out of the future cuz I am fearful of the unknown. 

Hey His pumpkin, sorry for the loss of your husband. Sad to see that you’re experiencing extreme sadness and the thought of being without your beloved for decades is most troubling to you. I also hope that my husband and I will be reunited together in the next life.  I too survive day by day cuz none of us are promised tomorrow.