"For now"

[DWS]

"For now" are two words that I started to say to myself periodically over these last few months...particularly in times when I feel too overwhelmed by this loss. I hate what happened. I hate that it can't be fixed...and I hate thinking of a future without my partner. "For now" calms me. It's my admittance that I live with grief and will continue to carry this grief but I have no idea how that will eventually feel. "For now" says to me that it feels this way right now but it may get lighter in the months and years ahead.

Earlier this week, I had to go for an ultrasound to see if there is anything sinister going on with my kidneys or bladder. This stems from a surprise, brief episode that happened in mid-summer so my doctor got me in touch with a urologist. For this health scare to be happening at this time is just crazy and too overwhelming. Thankfully, I feel totally fine and healthy again and whatever happened, cleared up within a couple of weeks. I've been fine ever since.

But as I walked worried and alone to my appointment with the urologist two weeks ago and as I walked stressed and alone towards the large health centre for my ultrasound early this week, I said to myself that things are this way "for now". I know that Tom would have accompanied me to both appointments and how I craved to see his concerned but smiling face in the waiting room after my visits. Things are not always going to be this way. I have no idea what lies ahead but things are only this way "for now". 

Don

[Summersun]

Thank you so much for this. You write beautifully. I sometimes do not know how to even breathe for the next five minutes. It is that crushing, sitting like an elephant on my chest. Avoiding doctors, even if I die then. Just cannot go there... thanks for all your contributions. Isn't it strange to know that somewhere at the other end of the world someone feels something similar? For me, it is helpful. And oh, how I wish we had other reasons to meet here... like cats or recipes or something. At the moment, it doesn't feel like a life to me, barely existing or surviving. And I try to take it day by day as well. That's all we can do, right?

Wishing you a beautiful autumn day.

[widower2]

57 minutes ago, Summersun said:

 And oh, how I wish we had other reasons to meet here... like cats or recipes or something.

https://forums.grieving.com/forum/100-chit-chat-coffee-hour/

Feel free to start up a conversation about something other than grief! God knows we all need a break from it here and there.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

I said to myself that things are this way "for now".

I am so sorry you didn't have your Tom to go with you...it's at these times we keenly feel it.  

[Kevin O]

Don.  As I was lying in bed watching my self-imposed 'can't get up later than 10:00' deadline rapidly approaching I read your post.  If I don't set a time that I must be out of bed on the weekends I may never get up.  It has only been 2 months since Bob died but I cannot remember how we spent our weekends.  He had COPD so it wasn't like we had a fast-paced exiting life, but we did something that made the weekend fly by. So I will try to accept that FOR NOW I am still figuring it out. Or trying to figure it out.  

Going for a flu shot this week.  Something we always scheduled together.  I will get minor flu like symptoms (slight fever, achy, etc) the day after the shot.  Minor.   Not worth taking the day off.  It has never been a big deal.   But this year I will get those minor symptoms alone.  So this time it will be a big deal in my head.  I know I will most likely turn this into another reason to cry about my life.  Just another reminder that he is gone.

And I know it's a process.  And your process of saying For Now does give me some comfort.  Some hope.  So thank you 

[Gail 8588]

@DWS

Don, 

I really like your use of "For now".  It recognizes the reality of today but leaves open the possibility of something better in the future. 

Thanks for sharing.

Gail

[BohoKat]

2 hours ago, Kevin O said:

He had COPD so it wasn't like we had a fast-paced exiting life, but we did something that made the weekend fly by. So I will try to accept that FOR NOW I am still figuring it out. Or trying to figure it out

@DWS @Kevin O my dear departed husband also had COPD and several other health issues, but the weekend always flew for me too. It was mostly errands, but you are so right that time with your love was never enough, never enough time with them, no matter how trivial the activity.

I so appreciate “I will accept FOR NOW I am…trying to figure it out.” Such a helpful concept when the awful thoughts sneak up on you. Thanks, Don. Thanks, Kevin <hugs> Peace, BohoKat 

[Roseapple]

I like “for now” I will try that, thank you for sharing 

[DWS]

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

@DWS

Don, 

I really like your use of "For now".  It recognizes the reality of today but leaves open the possibility of something better in the future. 

Gail...that describes it perfectly. For myself, I've found that my suffering increases whenever I think of (or reminded of) the present and future without Tom physically here. It sounds bizarre, right? That is the reality but reminding myself that "for now" things are this way, eases the suffering. I suppose it's mind over matter....but perhaps it isn't. Grief is why we're all here.  That's our actual reality of what is truly happening with us presently. Right now, our grief can be overbearing and fill us with so much sorrow, stress and pain....but that is "for now". Down the road, perhaps grief will be a little easier. That kind of hope is about as much of the future as I can handle. 

[PLin]

Don!

How are you doing? I wasn't on the forum much in the summer. The kids came every weekend which was helpful. 

I work hard on accepting the way things are in the present moment. I'm I not doing as well with that since Ted died. Eckhart Tolle is one of my favourite spiritual teachers. Have you read 'The Power of Now'? All we have is the present moment.

I very often forget to be present now that Ted has left this physical life. I used to be so good at it when he was here. He gave me the freedom to just 'be'. I love your 'for now' phrase because it is so simple. I usually try to remind myself by saying the I accept what 'is' in this moment. 'For now' is something I will use to remind myself in moments of overwhelm.

Love to you brother,

Lin

I'm glad that your health scare didn't amount to anything big. 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, PLin said:

Have you read 'The Power of Now'? All we have is the present moment.

Yes!

[DWS]

8 hours ago, PLin said:

Don!

How are you doing? I wasn't on the forum much in the summer. The kids came every weekend which was helpful. 

I work hard on accepting the way things are in the present moment. I'm I not doing as well with that since Ted died. Eckhart Tolle is one of my favourite spiritual teachers. Have you read 'The Power of Now'? All we have is the present moment.

I very often forget to be present now that Ted has left this physical life. I used to be so good at it when he was here. He gave me the freedom to just 'be'. I love your 'for now' phrase because it is so simple. I usually try to remind myself by saying the I accept what 'is' in this moment. 'For now' is something I will use to remind myself in moments of overwhelm.

Hi Lin....nice to see your message. So glad to hear your kids knew that they needed to be with you during summer weekends. 

I've not read the book "The Power of Now" but I'm a bit familiar with the concept. I think, for us grievers, it might be something to practice later on in our grief...when our minds have done its processing of the loss and we really are accepting of the present moment. I know for myself, I still question the present moment...or at least, question why my present is this way. I guess in those moments of sheer sorrow and emptiness, telling myself "for now" allows me to acknowledge Tom's absence and the heavy grief with the notion that down the road, things will get lighter.

[widower2]

This all reminds me of a Harry Connick Jr song:

Nothing lasts forever
So I guess I better
Take you
Forever
For now 

I think in our case it's both: we have our loves forever (directly in the future when we're with them again) and also for now (in our hearts).

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

we have our loves forever (directly in the future when we're with them again) and also for now (in our hearts).

And when you think about it, that's a lot...and it says much to the power of our strength that we draw from it and hold it together all these years...in my situation 17 going on may be 23 more!  Ugh, that's a lot of time ahead that I don't look forward to...back to today...

[HisPumpkin]

Hey lovelies,

I haven’t been about much, I’ve been isolating and just trying to get through my days. My “for now”s.

I was drawn to the subject heading as I’ve more recently been thinking on how I just can’t bring myself to say “goodbye” to D. I don’t think I ever will. And I came to the conclusion that all I can do is say “goodbye, for now - I’ll see you when I get there, love”. That is still so hard, but it also makes me hold on to the hope that eventually there will be reunion, in whatever comes after. Though I feel him with me always anyway, he’s just out of reach, beyond my level of direct access. But I can’t think of him being “gone”.

Aside from this, I do remind myself when those overwhelming waves hit, that the intensity is “for now”. That the reprieves between the crashes last a little longer than they did before, though the unrelenting sense of loss remains, the quiet sadness, the sense of not being whole - like a part of me went with him and that’s out of reach too. For now. 

I don’t feel quite whole without him, my love, my counterpart. Thinking on the future is still near impossible. As Kay has mentioned before, the thought of decades existing without his physical presence, it is overwhelming. For now - it’s gotten to be surviving day by day, which is progress from second to second. So looking over these past 7 months (how did that even happen?) I suppose objectively I can see baby steps of progress. 

My heart breaks for us all. Much love to everyone. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I just can’t bring myself to say “goodbye” to D

Mine is similar, "See you later."  For now works too!

[April Ballou]

@HisPumpkin I understand what your going through.   This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.   But your right we will get to see our spouses again.  And oh what a wonderful day that will be.  That's the only thing that keeps me going.  I have accepted him being in heave because I will be there too one day soon.

[gns247]

Hi, it's my first time posting here.  I lost my 44-year-old husband, Greg, to lung cancer five weeks ago this Wednesday very unexpectedly and quickly.  I am so overwhelmed with grief and sorrow, missing him every second of the day, trying so hard to get through the day hour by hour but it is so hard.  I am all alone in the house and with no friends or family close by or even in the same state and only one friend who keeps in touch regularly.  it is so incredibly hard on top of being alone because Greg isn't here physically to have to go through this alone.  I like the for now sentiment and everyone's' comments.  I'm really struggling but trying to be strong and question myself as to why I am sometimes but I'm trying for now and what else can we all do?  I too try not to think of a future without him in it, our future that has now completely changed and it's really scary.  It's nice to see so many comments about believing that your partners are waiting for you and you will reunite again one day soon when it is time, as that's what I believe too.  I draw comfort from reading comments from other people who know exactly what each of us are going through, although we all do it in different ways..

[KayC]

9 hours ago, gns247 said:

I lost my 44-year-old husband, Greg, to lung cancer five weeks ago this Wednesday

I am so sorry, so young to go through this and to not have family/friends around makes it all the harder.  I'm glad you have one person.  All of our friends disappeared overnight, and my family didn't have a clue what I was going through, it was very tough.  My church was helpful, the counselor I tried was the only one in town and should have stuck to drug/alcohol counseling, he definitely wasn't a grief counselor as he pictured himself to be.  There were no grief support groups here, I started one years later.

Taking one day at a time was something that helped me tremendously!  I still do it 17 years later.  Yes, we do understand each other here, it's very helpful, I found a grief site similar to this one 2-3 weeks after he died and that literally saved me!  I want to welcome you here and hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and sometimes we just need to vent/scream, and that's okay too..

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[gns247]

Thank you so much for this.  I had a really hard day all day yesterday and this morning seems hard already.  This was very nice to read and remind me of some small things that I had already tried to do but they all seem to go out the window at times and others that I hadn't thought of at this stage.  I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me and welcome me.  I have been trying so hard to find supports groups where I live and there doesn't seem to be any.  I have called the hotlines available to me a couple of times but they seem very limited in what they told me and kept telling me to go somewhere else.  The hospital involved also has no grief counselling there and the social worker seems to think that it's too acute a stage of grief that I am in and wouldn't benefit from counselling right now and she wants to wait until next year.  I feel like I need to talk as talking makes you accept what has happened and get your feelings out which can be a relief of sorts to unburden.  I found this place as I want to be surrounded with people who know what it's like.  One day at a time is what I am doing, although the future does pop into my head even though I don't want it to.  It's so very hard and raw still.  Being alone is so daunting.  Thanks again and I will be looking here and posting here more I am sure.

[April Ballou]

@gns247 I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I know what your going through,  just as we all on this forum do.  It's the hardest thing that I have ever been through.   But I make it.  I will be praying for you. 

[gns247]

Thanks for saying that and for praying for me.  It means a lot to me to know you are all there and I can talk about stuff and people understand.  It is the hardest thing I will ever go through and it's hard to feel like I will/can get through it right now, especially all by myself, but I take some comfort in hearing that you did and others do too.  It's just so hard.  Things keep happening around the house that I can't do and Greg would always do.  Today the car battery is flat and I didn't even know how to open the bonnet of the car let alone charge the battery.  It's these things that really make it obvious that he's not here to do that stuff or help me anymore and it's so heart breaking to me.

[April Ballou]

I understand how that is.  I'm lucky my husband taught me alot of different things.  And if I need help my father in law is close by.  I have being alone.

[gns247]

I don't drive so even though I did always pay attention to a lot of the things he was doing, its totally different when he's not here.  I'm so scared I'm going to do something to his car or something.  It's his pride and joy.  It's hard not having anyone near me I can ask for help either.  

[DWS]

3 hours ago, gns247 said:

...and the social worker seems to think that it's too acute a stage of grief that I am in and wouldn't benefit from counselling right now and she wants to wait until next year. 

I am so sorry for this sudden and tragic loss in your life. Not having someone to talk to on a regular basis makes this that much more difficult. There are so many of us here that can relate to this added pain that you're feeling. It's interesting to hear the social worker's sentiments on providing counselling for you presently. When I was discussing my loss with my financial advisor a few weeks ago, he mentioned that his sister is a psychologist and says the same thing...that she doesn't recommend counselling to those seeking her services during that first year of grief! I imagine that certain professionals want or, at least, hope to see improvement with their clients and maybe they just know that they're not going to see it in the first year. It seems rather cruel to reject somebody in so much emotional trauma but I suppose they speak from experience.

I guess that's where all of us here try to help each other. All we want to do is talk and let things out. So many of us just want to tell others about our partners and spouses...and about our lives spent together. We want to keep our loved ones present and talking about them does that. Maybe that's all we really need right now since no one is able to take away the pain. 

[gns247]

Thank you and I feel for everyone's losses here too.  That's interesting to hear you have heard the same thing about counselling.  I'm not even sure if anyone could help but I think talk is therapy and you really just want someone to listen and this is the best form as everyone can actually empathise with each other.  It's just not real time or face to face if that makes any difference.  I find it helpful to talk about Greg too not just how I am feeling without him.  It was such a traumatic experience to lose him like that as well so have to deal with trauma and grief.  No, nobody can say or do anything to take the pain away. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, gns247 said:

I have called the hotlines available to me a couple of times but they seem very limited in what they told me and kept telling me to go somewhere else.  The hospital involved also has no grief counselling there and the social worker seems to think that it's too acute a stage of grief that I am in and wouldn't benefit from counselling right now and she wants to wait until next year. 

I respectfully disagree with their assessment.  You may want to check your ins. and see if it'll cover some, also I think it's CASA that charges income based counseling, we got it for my daughter years ago, only $25/month, and we all chipped in to cover it.  You also could try https://www.griefshare.org/ for a group in your area.  I have become friends with the adm./counselor from my other forum over the last 17 years and she states differently, there is no one size fits all, it's what the person themselves is comfortable with.  And I know someone who is seven years out and still sees a counselor.

8 hours ago, gns247 said:

It's just not real time or face to face if that makes any difference.

Zoom meetings are a consideration too.  More of them since Covid.

8 hours ago, gns247 said:

It was such a traumatic experience to lose him like that as well so have to deal with trauma and grief.

And no one tells you just how you're supposed to deal with this without counseling?  Yes, it is traumatic.  And to those haunted by images, there are these considerations to do with a licensed therapist:
EFT
EFT in Grief
EMDR

There was someone in our group who had done them but I forget who, maybe they will see this and respond.

[gns247]

Thanks again for all the info.  I disagree too.  I was thinking about it again last night and I've said to her and the other social worker involved that I feel I need help now in this time not in a couple months, so I will have to ring her and tell her this and see what she can organise.  I'm in Australia and I have came across Griefshare.org before but unfortunately it doesn't have any Australian groups there.  I have looked with all that I have available to me to find a group but there is nothing near me.  I had not heard of the other techniques there so thanks for that, they sound very interesting also.  I really appreciate your time in responding to me.

[KayC]

I am so sorry there's nothing in Australia.  Keep coming here, posting and reading.  (((hugs)))

[gns247]

Thanks, I will keep coming here.  I'm in Tasmania so its a little different to the mainland.  I keep finding places in Victoria but not much here for me in my state, the island state.  There are some services and some provide them over Zoom or Skype from the mainland but nothing in my local area such as a support group to talk to other people or close to me and they all cost so much which is a bit hard for me.  Its funny, the original social worker called yesterday to check in and I told her what the other one said and she agreed with me (it being a long time until next year) and has referred me to the Cancer Council to get some counselling.  I won't know if it will help until I try it and I'm sure they can tell if I am making progress but I will wait and see if it happens anytime soon.  I hope so.  It's so lonely all alone, without Greg and just being alone.  I have never lived alone before.  So many massive adjustments on top of the worst thing I'll ever go through.  It's so hard.

[KayC]

Ahh yes, I knew someone from Tasmania from my loss of pet section, they had no help for animals either, no rescues, nothing, animals ran loose and got killed.  Very sad.  One neighbor shoots a dog, noone does anything about it...hard place to be a dog lover.

Oh how I hope and pray with you that the cancer council will have some help for you.  My heart goes out to you!  Let us know, okay?

 

[gns247]

Thanks KayC.  I will let you know.  That's sad to hear that about that person's experience with pets here.  I personally have not had anything bad happen with my animals but just like this situation, you don't really know until it happens to you and you need the support/help and it's not there.  It's rather alarming to me.  I'm trying my best in the hardest situation.  My friend keeps in constant contact with me, usually emails and calls whenever she can.  It's really touching and supportive of her.  

[Jemiga70]

On 11/7/2022 at 4:59 PM, gns247 said:

the social worker seems to think that it's too acute a stage of grief that I am in and wouldn't benefit from counselling right now and she wants to wait until next year. 

@gns247  I am sorry for your loss.  I know there are no words adequate. It is beyond life shattering.  I too lost my wife unexpectedly 18 months ago. It was traumatic; I was there when she passed.  I began EMDR treatments only a few months ago in an effort to dislodge and reprocess the frozen traumatic memories of that terrible day and the cremation day.  I think it's helping somewhat because I'm feeling a wider range of emotions now like anger, sadness, loneliness, immense longing for her, when before treatment I felt mostly terror and shock.  Of course, there are no "cures." I would've begun EMDR immediately had it been available to me.

What the social worker said is ludicrous. Here's a paragraph from a workbook I read early on, "Love Knows No Death," by Dr Piero Calvi-Parisetti.

"Are you thinking, “It’s too soon to begin grief work. I’m not ready yet?” Ask yourself: “Ready for
what, exactly?” Not ready yet to feel less bad? Are you listening to yourself? What use do you have for such thoughts? What would you think if somebody told you, “I have cut myself and I am bleeding, but it’s too soon to dress the wound. I’m not ready yet?”

Take care of yourself,

[gns247]

Thanks for your words Jemiga70.  I am sorry for your loss also.  I'm glad you are now able to feel the full range of emotions.  I think this is the only way we can all heal.  I heard back from the Cancer Council.  They have a grief counsellor but she doesn't come to my area???  I was shocked.  I have an appointment on 12 December to see someone from a rural health service.  That is another month away.  I am really shocked how hard it is to get some professional help when you need it.  I like your quote there, it is so true.  I am being proactive seeking help and nobody is accommodating me.  I am really saddened by this.  It really is ridiculous.  I hope you continue to see benefit from your therapy.

[gns247]

I hadn't thought about it before but it has been 33 days since I have had physical contact with another person.  A hug from my friend.  29 days since another person has been in my house and spoken to me face to face.  That is my lonely situation now Greg has gone and I have no support.  I hope you all have someone who visits you and gives you a hug xx.

[KayC]

I am so sorry @gns247.  Consider this a cyber hug from me to you.  No one ever comes here, if I'm lucky my son once every year or two.  But it's different when you have a fresh loss, you need someone there with you.  (((hugs)))

[Sparky1]

15 hours ago, gns247 said:

I hadn't thought about it before but it has been 33 days since I have had physical contact with another person.  A hug from my friend.  29 days since another person has been in my house and spoken to me face to face.  That is my lonely situation now Greg has gone and I have no support.  I hope you all have someone who visits you and gives you a hug xx.

Oh man, I know the feeling. It's been rare that I get a hug from a female, usually it's been around get togethers. The feeling is hard to describe, oh it's a good feeling, but it makes me realize how much I miss my wife's hugs and how we all take it for granted. 

[KayC]

About the only place I get a hug is at church.  And for a while even that was out with Covid, we had to sit with our families (I'm the only one in it now).

[DWS]

16 hours ago, gns247 said:

29 days since another person has been in my house

It does feel weird when we become aware of such things. For me, it's been about two months since another person has stepped foot in my house. That person was a home inspection guy doing an assessment on how well my house is insulated (turns out I do have adequate insulation in the attic and walls so why is it so cold in here?!) There hasn't been anyone else in my home since.

However, there is now another soul here...a four year old male cat that I adopted four weeks ago! It's now been one year since I sadly said goodbye to my beautiful cat Dolly (three months prior to my partner Tom's passing). The grieving started then and I wasn't at all interested in getting another cat at the time. But I recently reconnected with an animal rescue group that I had dealt with beforehand and now have another four-legged, cuddly companion roaming around here. He has relieved me from some of my grief-suffering. Tending to him takes away some of the heavy thoughts at times which is a good thing. So it's just me and my cat again...for now. 

But I have to work on his name because his previous owners called him "Donald" which is my name! I'm going to slowly convert him over to "Daniel".  I sound way too much like my mother when I say "Donald, get down from there"!

[KayC]

I love it!  Enjoy your Daniel!  And he's beautiful.

[gns247]

Thanks everyone for posting.  You don't realise how much you need even a basic connection with other people until its not there.  I could never go a few hours without a hug from Greg, so him not being here is pure torture.  It seems I am not alone in being alone xx.  I am crying a lot at the moment.  Having another read hard day.  It's just so overwhelming this grief and the realisations of life without Greg.  I have two cats.  We got them in January.  They just turned one at the start of November.  They miss Greg too.  

Thanks @KayC for the cyberhug.

[KayC]

I'm glad you have your cats, I know it's not the same as having him, but it helps, plus they can be quite entertaining at that age.  Even when no one is online, it helps coming here, we know people have been here and will be here and we're not totally alone.

[gns247]

I am glad too.  They make my days have some sense of purpose and offer affection when I seem to need it the most.

[gns247]

I had my first counselling session yesterday.  It was awful.  Of course I had to replay the events to her (which I can't seem to stop doing every day anyway) but it was so painful.  I cried so much.  I'm not sure what to expect from this but that's all we did and all I expected to do on the first day.  I've heard some mixed responses from people who have had counselling.  I have to wait five weeks for an other appointment.  It's so far away.  Hope everyone has been as well as they can. 😊

[KayC]

Wow, I'm so sorry, I would expect it to be emotional, the subject at hand is, but I would think you'd talk about expectations or give you an assignment, something.  I met with mine weekly, 1 1/2 months in between seems excessive.  It seem nothing is the same after Covid as before.   I'm sorry.  Maybe look for another counselor?  Anyone's thoughts on this?
Have you tried griefshare?

[DWS]

6 hours ago, gns247 said:

I'm not sure what to expect from this but that's all we did and all I expected to do on the first day.  I've heard some mixed responses from people who have had counselling.

That first counselling session is a difficult and awkward one. In most cases, you're both complete strangers to one another and you're the one opening and introducing not only your loss but your world to this person who you kinda hope will be a saviour....someone to help rescue you from such despair and devastation. I imagine most counsellors are fully aware of this and that's why they let their patient get it all out while they listen and basically size us up on that first visit. I've always had a big interest in psychology and therapy practice so when I had my first session with my grief therapist, I was looking for certain criteria from her....the biggest for me was making sure this was someone who had been through their own experience of grief and loss. Towards the end of the visit, I loved how she just casually mentioned her husband who had died 15 years earlier which was a good way to do it because it didn't take the focus off my loss while also giving me the reassurance that I wanted. Hopefully, you attained some sort of warm signal from your counsellor that she is worth visiting again.

The long wait for your next appointment is a real shame. I'm guessing that is due to Christmas holidays interfering with her schedule....maybe? Unfortunately, it's at Christmas when we need them the most!! Be assured that there are many of us here who hopefully can be there for you over this time. Big hugs to you after such an emotional day. Endless crying moments like those are exhausting so hopefully you got some much needed sleep. 

[widower2]

7 hours ago, gns247 said:

I had my first counselling session yesterday.  It was awful.  Of course I had to replay the events to her (which I can't seem to stop doing every day anyway) but it was so painful.  I cried so much.  I'm not sure what to expect from this but that's all we did and all I expected to do on the first day.  I've heard some mixed responses from people who have had counselling.  I have to wait five weeks for an other appointment.  It's so far away.  Hope everyone has been as well as they can. 😊

Does "awful" mean you thought the counselor was bad or awful as in hard because of the subject matter? My sessions were hard to say the least but good in that I was able to talk to someone and unload when I really had no one. I hope it's the latter. 

[gns247]

hi widower2, I meant awful as in it was hard to talk about what happened.  I'm hoping that it helps to talk to her as we progress too.  Thanks for your input and replying.  

[gns247]

hi DWS, I think everything you just said is exactly right.  I was expecting it to be just me talking and her listening especially the first session.  Thanks for reminding me to ask if she has had her own bereavement because for me that is important and what I was looking for when I found this forum.  I had talked to a grief educator twice previously to this and I chose her as she had had her own bereavement so I knew she could relate.  I will have to ask her next time we speak.  Yes, Christmas is mucking the timing up.  She also has to come from another town to mine and only works twice a week also, so many factors have impacted the timing, though it is a long wait.  I think she is going to try and do a phone one in between but not 100%.  This time of year is when we need a lot of help though.  Grief doesn't have a schedule but it is the nature of the end of the year I guess.  KayC, it has taken me weeks and weeks to find this counsellor and get this appointment,  Very hard for me to find one that I don't have to pay for and have rang 9 or 10 organisations and have had to do it all  myself and really push for this, so it's not very easy to find another one.  I wanted an in-person appointment which made it harder.  covid has definitely changed a lot of the places to go only for phone and Zoom.  It is not ideal, especially where I live with limited services already.  Thanks so much for reaching out both of you.  I will be checking back in a lot over this time I feel.

[KayC]

I'm sorry it was so hard to get a counselor, and I hope and pray after the holidays it'll settle into a better schedule.  I had $120 in the bank when George died, I do remember paying out of pocket for my counselor when he died, it was so hard.  Was supposed to get life ins $ from our bank when he died but it never happened, can't remember what BS they told me, he was a member and entitled to it...