Lost my dearest friend and spouse

[Janet from Berkeley]

Two nights ago I lost my best friend. He was not sick - in fact we had just returned from a wonderful week away to a resort in Monterey, CA and had a great time.

 

David had severe sleep apnea and used a CPAP machine. He had to use it every night and every time he lay down. He had had it for 25+ years and stuck to his routine religiously.

 

He fell out of bed and severely injured both his arms and couldn't get back in bed. His sister Laura was helping him, bringing him water, ice packs and tried to make him comfortable on the floor. 

 

She wanted to call 911. Both David and I vetoed that because he didn't want to go to the hospital and I felt that it was unlikely that they would be unwilling to come by and assist David back in bed.

 

After spending 2 days and nights on the floor - in a lot of pain and not sleeping, David told me that he was getting sleepy and that I should come by and we would go to Urgent Care the next day.

He seemed ok so I hung up the phone, then called his sister so that she knew the plan - that I would be coming by the next day. During that conversation I talked about the severity of David's sleep apnea and his need for the CPAP machine. I also asked her to check on him.

 

She apparently went into his room and he was snoring loudly. She offered him his CPAP mask but he batted it away. She then placed it on his face and balanced a pillow on top. She then went out for a walk.

 

When she returned, about 10-15 minutes later he was unresponsive and cold. She called 911 but David was already dead.

 

Laura did a lot of complaining about how much cleaning she needed to do and how tired she was because of David's messiness. She also had to move furniture so that it would be easier to get David back in bed.

 

Was she being spiteful by not awakening him to properly put his CPAP mask on, given the instructions I had given her? She contends this was a "mistake" and that "people make mistakes". I see this as pure negligence that resulted in the unnecessary death of the most important person in my world.

 

Laura is resistant to other people telling her what to do and is very sensitive to feeling "bossed" about, even when those people are recommending the right things to do. She often feels that people are talking down to her and that she has to "assert her rights", especially in restaurants, stores, public transit, local government, utility serve centers and other places where there is a customer service situation. I know that she was becoming increasingly resentful that she was cleaning and having to take care of her brother, but KILLING him?

 

I am in shock. My world has crumbled. I have spent the better part of my life with this man. He went from doing fine (with the exception of pain in his arms) and talking on the phone to dead in the course of less than 1/2 hour.

 

And just a few hours after being taken away by mortuary workers.

 

I am reeling from this. I don't know how I am to cope. I thought we had years ahead of us.

[Kat11]

Janet, I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrible way to lose someone. I totally relate to you reeling from this loss.

I lost my partner of 30 years to a very aggressive form of metastatic breast cancer. She was only 55 years old. We were best friends. Did everything together. Talked and planned to grow old together. I've never had any other vision in my head. And now she's gone. It was only 2 months from when we got the diagnosis to her passing on 9-7-22.

I understand your shock and unspeakable pain. Please respond if you want to chat. Maybe we can help each other.