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Fresh, new, raw grief is all encompassing. Come here to help you navigate this new journey you are on in life.
  1. What's new in this club
  2. Dear Ajnolan, I lost my husband due to cancer. Let me tell you sth. 4 years ago, doctors told us he will not make it more than 2-3 months. Fortunately, he survived 4 years after that time. So life is unpredictable. dont think about 2 years. I hope it will be 20, or even more, in practice.
  3. reihaneh

    Just lost the love of my life

    I am so sorry, Dear Ann. I lost my husband around 4 weeks ago too. Maybe we can help each other to overcome this disaster of the life. I feel fear. And I am angry. How are you? You said you missed him a lot. These times, I just think that he is in a better place now. He is healthy and happy. He can see me and help me. The only difference is that I cannot see him anymore.
  4. My husband Ron passed on Friday and the tremendous pain and emptiness is unbearable. He was my compass, my partner in all things. What do we do when the person who would be your greatest comfort is the one who is gone? I just want to curl up in his arms and have him tell me it will be ok. I thought I would be ready; we knew for nine years that he would have a limited amount of time left when he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis in Jan of 2013. We were so fortunate to receive the gift of a bilateral lung transplant in October of that year and were told to expect maybe five years at best. We always expected the dreaded rejected or kidney failure from the medications to take him. He was able to avoid rejection and keep from complete kidney failure, but his heart gave out. It was so fast, I took him to the ER on Saturday, on Monday we thought he was improving and on Friday morning he was gone. Never a chance to say goodby. Plenty of I love you but no goodby, no thank you for making me a better person and pushing me to do things I never thought I could do. I just don't know how to get though one more day without him let alone a year or a decade...
  5. Brokenhearted333

    1/2 Century

    I lost my husband of 19 years less then 3 months ago. And I have never felt so lost in my life. I tell people im okay but in the inside I am falling apart. I have lost my soul mate, my best friend, my children father and my protector all in a blink of an eye. How do I get over 19 years of my life?
  6. JAC2236

    Losing My Grandfather

    I really relate to what you're feeling. I just lost my Grandmother in the last month. My parents were always around, but she was very much my other half, someone i'd consider a soul mate of sorts. I'm really not sure how to fully carry on either. She had a massive impact on my life that can't ever be forgotten. What I've been trying to hold onto is how much she taught me. How much of her I carry with me, and share to the people in my life. Just like she did. In that way, she'll never be fully gone. I'll spread the spirit of her in my life, and hopefully plant a bit of that in others, and let the spirit of that woman radiate through everyone i meet. I hope you're feeling more at peace now, I know it's been quite a while since you posted.
  7. I am new to this but right now I am really struggling and I have many people that count on me. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of others. So, I am trying anything I can right now to figure out a way to guide me thru this process in my life. I lost my grandmother last year to cancer. I was taking care of her with my aunt for quite sometime before that. I watched her pass away in front of my face. I cant get that picture out of my head. I miss her so much. She was a very one the best grandmothers a person can ask for. I never appreciated her until I got older. I appreciated the times, we would just sit and talk and we were both very honest with each other. Then on 12/27/2021, my mother in law passed away from covid. Most people are no as lucky as I am to have great in laws. My mother in law and myself were best friends. We told each other everything, no matter what it was. We talked a million times a day everyday for over 19 years now. We have discussed what my role would be if she was not here any longer because she did have other health issues. I made a promise to make sure everyone was taken care of. So I am really trying not to grieve because for three weeks after her passing, my heart literally hurt. I feel like I have a broken heart. I can not longer call anyone to vent to and explain what drama is going on. I only have myself because I do not want to put my troubles on anyone of my other family members. I need to be strong. But the more days that go by the harder it is becoming. Everything happened to soon to much to fast and I am still hurting over my grandmother. I need to know what to do and how to get my mind together because I know I am not myself and in order to be what I need to be for everyone, I need help. Please someone give me some guidance.
  8. Conpie

    I Still Feel Like I'm Dreaming

    My son's service was just last Saturday. For some reason I was at peace during the service and even afterward. I did not cry much either. It was like he was there holding my hand. I even managed to speak but was holding his childhood teddy bear the entire time. Every day but that day has been hell on earth. I have cried till my head hurts and my eyes feel like they are on fire. Do not let someone else's expectations hurt you. Some people at my son's service may have thought I wasn't crying much but I was holding it together for my son, mother and husband, was totally shocked by the number of people who showed up and just felt so loved! I even laughed a little too loud when my boss said she was wearing a bra on a Saturday for the first time in 10 years. Just be you.
  9. MelissaRickey

    1/2 Century

    So sorry for your loss I just lost my husband of almost 28 years this is the hardest thing I've ever been through and having to do it without the love of my life and best friend to lean on miss him so much
  10. MelissaRickey

    I Still Feel Like I'm Dreaming

    I'm so sorry for your loss, you were a beautiful couple I myself just lost my best friend and soulmate January 21,2022 we were married almost 28 years I to feel so alone and just wish this was a nightmare this is the hardest thing I've ever been through its also hard on my kids as well they are grown and I try to be strong for them still I feel like I fail them to not knowing what to say or do to help them and some family members say stupid things my sister in law had the nerve to say she watched me ALOT at the funeral and I didn't cry much....that hurt my feelings and mad me mad she has no idea how much I've cried I cry every day and nights I go to sleep crying, (I know I'm jumping around in this) I was in the room for the last 10 minutes they were doing cpr on my husband that image relives every time I close my eyes I see his eyes and how they looked so weak and helpless I see his stomach rising with every chest compression they did it just hurts so much , I pray for signs I asked him to show me he's around and the thought popped in my head look around I'm with u idk if that was my sign or my mind I hope it was him ill love him forever, my thoughts and prayers are with u and ur child as well
  11. UPDATED: If this is your first time reading my post, PLEASE read below as I added some tips and other things that truly helped me. I truly hope as I bare my feelings many days after the fact of my initial loss, that SOME of what I write here helps others out. Again, to stress the point... Every one is different and grieves differently. It's been over 50 days since my Father passed away suddenly.. and honestly while I do feel better and more myself, I'm not the same.. like I stated below some people say that you are never quite the same again after your parent(s) pass away and I 100% agree that is true. Please know, that I DO have times still... That I do break down a bit... When I think of something that I used to do with him or something that I wanted to tell him. Or even at times, when I look at his picture and I think about him not being around... However, this I know.... I really do think it is very important to think of him. As that does honor his memory and I also feel that it is healthy to do. I think it's important not to simply get his loss out of my mind and "get over it" as many insensitive people say. He is not coming back.. It is what it is. It also help me, to tell myself when those in-between sad times comes around that my Father would tell me.. "there is nothing that could be done"... "That's life"... And "You need to keep going on, and do the best you can do".... And also that he loves me and is looking out for me and my family still. One last thing that I need to share with you who reads this. Is some people just "won't get it"... I dislike saying that but it's 100% true. Some of us have better relationships with our loved ones, than others. Please know that some people will never relate to your loss, it's a good thing in your mind to feel sorry FOR THEM and simply to forgive them for not having that sort of bond that you had with your loved one. Please read more things that I wrote below.. and I pray that some of that may help you in your grieving process: _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I notice there is a lot of people that join this "circle" in the past two months. I hope, that with the passing of my Father, this may help others out there. I also decided to update this one posting here, and hopefully some of the information here with again help others out there like me that are grieving, as everyone grieves differently. Losing my parents was one thing that I was dreading the most, so when my Father passed away suddenly it very much rocked me to my core. Some people say.. that you are never quite the same again, and I believe that. To me I have to rebuild myself and part of that is self-care during this huge grieving process. I have a routine now that is not set in stone or a solid schedule, but seems to be helping me. Enough to feel strong enough to write this out to all of you. Some tips I like to share that seem to be comforting me and my loss and I hope maybe some of this may help you, as everyone is different in the grieving process. - Other than sharing my feelings on the site here (great kind people on this site!) I've also listening to grief audio pod casts on Spotify and also watching grief videos on YouTube. - The "7 stages are grief" is not linear (you will hear and read that over and over again) and everyone experiences things differently. I tend to cry more and feel depressed more at night before bed as it is quiet. In the very early morning I sometimes feel some anxiety like I NEED to help my Mom or I need to be doing something or I should be worrying about someone or something, and I do sometimes wake up very early in the morning.. It's the same type of feeling in my gut, I had during my entire trip to see my Father at his wake and burial... That anxiety is part of the grieving process... I know this now. - What helps ME, with my grief and my anxiety is saying to myself "one day at a time", it's my saying or mantra.... That is all I can do now. Like I posted in the paragraph above sometimes, even during the day that anxiety feeling tries to creep in... and I tell myself again "one day at a time, that is all I can do. I'll get there at some point." - That helps again me. - I do take over the counter melatonin to help me sleep, but sometimes I don't like to take that every night, those nights that I'm "feeling it" more as it is quiet, what helps again me is to put on my headphones and listen to my tablet in bed. Again, some grief podcast or youtube videos... And it helps me emotionally and also I get tired a bit more and are able to get some sleep. Sleep is the most important thing that gets negated because of grief. - I have been setting one goal loosely for whatever that next day is, and that is the only thing that I do... (like cleaning my home office, I'm a pack rat like my dad, gotta get more room in here). BUT if I not able to do that "one thing" I cut myself some slack as well. - Also what I do during the day is mediate on my loss and grief, I set LOOSELY like a 1/2 hour for that give or take and again I give myself some slack. Sometimes, I think in my head like I am talking to my Father on how I'm feel and sure I cry at times.. That is going to happen and it's good not to keep those feelings inside. Other times I again watch videos on grief or listen to audio podcasts on grief to help me. Or maybe I'll do a hobby that my Dad and I liked to do, even a similar interest that we both talked about and shared about... That also helps. - Doing a physical activity helps as well. Walking, running, Tai Chi Chuan (TaijiQuan), boxing, anything that gets you up and moving. If you are tired, you may want to do some sort of physical activity more towards night time as that may help you towards falling asleep as well. Everyone is again different so this may or may not help you. I find it good to release some energy this way, it seems to help me get rid of some of the anxiety and other feelings and it's good to try to keep in shape (and trust me, I am not as physically fit as I should be! ) - One thing I was doing is listening to some sad music that was in the style or genre of music that my Father liked. The thing that I found out, that this made me cry but after a short while, it was not of benefit again TO ME... So I stopped listening to those songs. I know as I keep going forward there may be some things that I will eventually stop doing when I get more to the "acceptance" part of the grieving process.... And again whenever I finally get there. I know, that again there is no right or wrong answer to when I will stop doing this or that.. I have honored my fathers memory and legacy and I will keep doing so. I also plan to do something on the anniversary date of his passing in 2023. - Let your feelings guide you.To add to above paragraph, don't stop doing the things you like to do. If you did something like a hobby with the one that your are grieving about. Sure, if it is too much right now to do those things, stop doing them on a temporary basis! Your loved one, would WANT you to continue a hobby that you and they did together or maybe shared interest in. If you need some time great... And only you can say when that time comes around again that you feel 100% up to doing that hobby that you enjoy. - The other self-care tip that I like to pass, is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It feels sometimes like you over "here" and everyone else is "over there", remember there are a lot of people out there not right next to you per se, that have lost a loved one as in today, right now and even the same day you did. Thinking about that, helped me get past the alone part a bit more.. at least gave me a bit more resolve after that fact. - You will find people talk about this and it's true. I've had a few people say things like "don't worry, you'll get over it" Or "things will be better soon" to even some people not caring or acknowledge my loss at all. Even though other people may "misplace" their words to you, or even avoid the subject or disregard you all together. Sometimes those people do not even know what to say correctly. You will also find this at your workplace as well. The main thing to remember there ARE others out here that are going though the grieving process, and no matter if it's the first day or the 100th day since your loss, everyone grieves differently and your loss MATTERS! Your loved one matters... and YOU.. yourself MATTER! Remember there is not set time when the grieving process will be completed or anything in-between... Practicing self-care.. is the first and foremost thing going forward.
  12. YouTube and Spotify. I hope that helps you.
  13. itsemmie

    I'm not that strong

    I lost my gran September 19, 2021. A day before what would've been her 84th birthday, and ten days before my 24th birthday. I missed her funeral because I tested positive for the virus. I'm so sorry this virus has taken that time away from you as well.
  14. I lost my Grandmother and best friend on September 19, 2021. In the midst of already grieving. For context. My parents divorced when I was around nine years old. My Dad worked a lot and my Mom was rarely ever around due to addiction. After the divorce my Dad became very depressed. Dad always took care of us and we had what we needed. But he had become very emotionally distant. We have a much better relationship now, but it was hard for a long time. In 2012 my Dad and I moved back to his hometown, over two thousand miles from everything I had ever known. We moved in with my Grandmother. She and I got really close, and she knew things about me that nobody else did simply because she had gone through similar experiences in her childhood. Everyone else treated her strangely, they wouldn't have real conversations with her and brushed her off because she wasn't able to hear sometimes. They just weren't patient enough. For me, I could sit with her for hours. I remember days when I would just sit next to her on the couch as she told me stories about her life and our family. Loads of them I'd heard over and over again, but it didn't matter. I just loved hearing her talk and seeing her smile... hearing her laugh. Fast forward to 2021. After the events of 2020, my Grandmother had all but boarded herself into her house. We didn't live with her anymore. I rarely ever saw her. Then I started dating a guy (we'd been friends for a while).. let's just say, he wasn't the best person, albeit he did try his best at times. So most of 2021 was spent with him, and I had no time for my family because he demanded all of my time. This meant I also didn't see my Grandma. Earlier in the year we found out that my older sister was pregnant - my Dad's first grandbaby! She was living in the state we left in 2012. We figured we would surprise her and fly out to see her and meet the baby. Planned the trip for a couple weeks after her due date. Grandma told my Dad that she didn't think she'd ever see that baby - so he invited her to come with. He turned out to be very stubborn and was born the day of the trip, we had booked it a month in advance and weren't about to change it. Sister still had no idea we were coming. He was born while we were on the last flight in, on Friday. I remember Dad showing us all pictures she'd sent to him, and then she sent them to me and I showed them to Grandma. Because of state regulations due to covid, we had to wait to see them until they left the hospital. Saturday they were still in the hospital, Dad and I decided to stop at the church I went to as a kid. It was nice to surprise people we hadn't seen in years. Grandma stayed at the house we were renting because she wasn't feeling well - she was convinced she had just eaten to much that day. Saturday evening we got back to the house and the only thing she could say was "I need help," Dad froze so I took the initiative. I told him to call 911, sent boyfriend (at the time) out into the street so he could direct the ambulance where to go, and I sat with Grandma trying my best to comfort her while shaking myself from anxiety. The ambulance people came and we tried our best to stay out of the way - although I did have to excuse one of them because another was asking about any medications she took and the one I excused was stood where her bag was, with all her meds in it. They were understandable about that. They got Grandma into the ambulance and we weren't able to go with (Again, covid). I called my aunt (she's the #1 person on Grandma's medical information). Just after 2 AM Sunday, while we all laid in our beds staring at the ceiling and answering phone calls left and right... the call came. It was my Aunt. She had been on the phone with the doctors. Grandma had an abdominal aneurism, it had burst and filled her stomach. Grandma had decided long before that if she ever had to get an operation and had less then 50% chance of recovery, she'd want us to let her go. The doctors would've needed to take her to another hospital for an operation, and they said there was absolutely no way with how far she already was. My Auntie explained how the hospital had her on a ventilator and that they would allow us into the emergency room to say our goodbyes. I still remember her asking if I was still there because I didn't respond. I told her "okay," and we all piled into the car for the silent ride over. My sister still didn't know we were there. We wanted to surprise her, but I couldn't just not tell her Grandma was dying... in the same hospital where her little boy was just born. So in one phone call I had to tell her "Surprise, we came to see you! And also, hey Grandma is downstairs dying and I wanted you to know incase you wanted to say goodbye," (not quite that insensitive, but you get the point) after she had just given birth to her first child. My sister never made it downstairs, there just wasn't any time (she had a c-section and also emergency was dangerous due to the virus). Grandma was already out of it by the time we got there, she wasn't in any pain. I know she was ready to go, even though we weren't ready for her to go. In one hand I held her frail hand, and with the other I held a photo of my sweet, two day old, nephew. Dad stood and tried his best to be strong, and nearly broke as he brushed his Mother's hair back. We're not an intimate family, so that's not normal for him, but I understand why he did it. Before I knew it a nurse was coming in to turn off the monitor. My best friend was gone. The next day was her birthday, and the day we finally got to meet that sweet little boy. Would've been a perfect birthday gift for her. She was right after all about not meeting him. - At the airport my Dad read her obit (she wrote it herself - she had it all planned out). I broke down crying because the line about other loved ones lost included my brothers name. In the hospital that's exactly what I told my Dad when the monitor was no longer detecting her heart beat.. I realized then that she hadn't met my nephew, but she was now meeting my big bother. We had to leave her there because of state laws. Going onto the plane without her was strange, not having a Grandma to take care of just didn't feel right. She always needed us to help her, only then she didn't anymore. - It took a few weeks before we could have a funeral - on October 2nd. She passed September 19th, her birthday was September 20th (Dad and I even planned a celebration...). We flew back on September 21st. I tested covid positive the following Monday. The 29th was my birthday, and I couldn't taste my birthday cake (that my Aunt worked so hard to make, it was beautiful). Her funeral was on October 2nd and we missed it because we were in quarantine (Dad and brother to, even though they didn't test - they were exposed to me). Dad and Auntie even asked me to write her eulogy because of how close we were and Dad always likes my writings. I did, and my cousin gave it at her funeral. Boyfriend and I broke up in November. I couldn't grieve and take care of him at the same time (he kept saying I didn't have to take care of him, but it's in my nature to, I can't just turn it off). Loved ones around me also helped me put into perspective that he wasn't the best of guys, helped me see things I kept excusing or ignoring. - May 2019 my Grandfather (Moms side) died after a semester of fighting illness. I quit college because of an injury (that I now know is life long, I will never be able to run again and it is extremely painful to walk. I'm nearly 25 years old and am already using a cane to function). Left everything I had fallen in love with (another 2k miles from home). Flew back to where my Dad lives (am still there now). Early 2020 we lost our family dog, and then my dog as well. Monroe. I know she's an animal, but she was always there for me. Followed me everywhere, was my little companion. We took her to the vet and they told us her system had just given up, she was getting old. Dad let me make the decision to put her down because she was my dog, and had chosen me. I gave her up because I didn't want her to suffer anymore just to give me a few more weeks with her. In late 2020 my Grandma (other Grandma, Moms side) got covid.. and on April 17, 2021 (an exact year, to the day, that Monroe died) she left this earth. In September 2021 my Grandma died from an aneurism, and also my cousin (Moms side) died from covid and pneumonia. In October a childhood friend of mine was in a car accident and also died. In November I quit online college because of ptsd and grief becoming too much to handle school on top of, and also broke up with my boyfriend (who I was sure was going to be my husband, up until my eyes were opened by loved ones). It has been a lot... it has oftentimes been way too much to handle. My heart is absolutely overwhelmed. - I hear Grandma's voice often - calling me at random times of the day. She use to do that when she was alive.. she'd ask me to bring her her billfold or her warm cup of water from the microwave (I say water because she'd reuse teabags until it was basically hot water), little things. Everyone else calls me Emmie now (that's the name I prefer), but she always used my birth name... it's painful now to hear my birth name because whenever someone uses it now, it just reminds me of her. She's everywhere... from clothes I wear that she bought me, to photos, to homemade quilts.. she's in the words I speak, different phrases. Sometimes I just hear someone say something and my mind is instantly taken back to times I spent with her, or the day she died. - Auntie gave me a gift for Christmas that she'd saved. It was from Grandma. A shirt she got for me. I just took it out of the package today because I planned on wearing it to church... and I cried what felt like an ocean of tears. I just needed to get all of this out. I just miss her so much. I feel so alone... I'm so tired of people dying around me. I can't always pretend to be this strong person anymore.
  15. TheHurtingHeart

    Can you stop the sadness?

    This isn't my first time dealing with death. I'm 52 and I've had friends and relatives pass before but this is my first parent to pass, my dad, and then a week later a dear friend. I have support. There are many people I can reach out to if I choose. It's this constant sadness I'm feeling that is getting to me. It feels like endless sadness with no hope. I'm not sure what to do to turn it around. I want to do nothing more than lay in bed and sleep away the time. This is all still relevantly new. Dad passed 12/18/21 & my friend 12/27/21. We're in a horrible winter storm the last 2 weeks here where I live so staying at home has not been a problem. I've gone to visit my mom when the roads allow and stay in constant contact with her by phone. I can stay chipper with her, other relatives and friends but it's a complete act. I'm lying through my teeth it seems. When not having to encounter others I sleep, a lot. I'm sad. And I cry. I'm sad for these two not being here anymore. I'm sad about how I feel in losing them and feelingthe way I do about it. It's a weird loneliness I've never felt before, especially since I could have handfuls of people around me if I wanted. But I want to be left alone. I just want to go back to normal and not feel sad. Not to need so much sleep. What do I need to do? How do I turn this around? Help, please. Thank you.
  16. magnolia

    1/2 Century

    Well Mike54 I appreciate your condolences and I too am sorry for your loss. However. Unless you are a scientist and have isolated the appropriate gene sequence other than a computer generated model, you do not know without a doubt that what you think is a vaccination does the job. Stats are arbitrary depending on whose science you want to believe. After his booster one of my sons tested positive and got sick. Your comments do not fit with condolences. I recovered. No shot. Some with shot are sicker than ever now. This forum is about grief. Let's keep it that way... please. I will if you will. Things are sad enough without virtue signaling in the name of loss.
  17. My bestfriend, soulmate, emotional caregiver and the love of my life was stolen from me suddenly and tragically on 10.8.2021. Everything has been a blur since it happened. The hospital claims he died from COVID but I know in my heart it was due to the severe medical negligence he received during his 12 day stay in the ICU. Bruce was literally the glue that held us all together and kept our little family going. He was the voice of reason, the compassionate caregiver when we were sick or just sad, he was the source of all of our joy. He was an amazingly gentle, devoted, hands on, involved, committed and incredibly loving father and the center of our 9 year old sons universe. He was my one and only companion in life and I'm not ashamed to admit that I was hopelessly codependent on him. The day he died our world stopped. All of the joy and laughter and life loving optimism has been completely eradicated and simultaneously replaced with a blurry, numb, hopeless existence. I have failed miserably at being strong and supportive for my son when he needed me the most bc I was too lost in my own despair. I still am. I think that's why I created my account with grief.com. I don't know what to do. Life feels completely pointless. I actually look forward to death. I still feel like I am just having a nightmare and I will wake up any second to find him laying next to me snoring like a freight train. Me and my son have Medicaid and we are on waiting lists with all of the available counselors and therapists that accept our insurance but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I feel like I've lost touch with reality. My psyche can't handle the trauma so it's doing whatever it can to protect me. My friends and family came around for the first 2 weeks after it happened but they have all moved on and no longer want to deal with my negativity. All I hear is how selfish I am for falling apart when my child needs me but what they don't understand is I have no control over it. I'm scared. Im alone. Im desperate for commiseration with someone who can relate.
  18. Mike54

    1/2 Century

    I'm so sorry you and he had to go through that. My brother went through the same thing, at 51. In ICU for a week then on vent for 2 before they could do no more. Covid is diabolical, and the nurses and doctors are learning as time goes on but even after 2 years there is still limited knowledge and limited success. I'm hearing numbers from nurses (2 nurses in the family currently on covid wards) that 10% - 20% of covid patients that go on a ventilator do not last 2 weeks. I could go into why and what damage is done if you want. Health doesn't seem to matter, all that seems to make a difference is vaccination status. 75-95% of all hospitalizations are non-vaccinated. My brother was not vaccinated. It's important to remember that he trusted you to do what was right, and you did. Anything that could be done to keep him alive and give his body a chance to recover was done. I'm sure your heart was full of hope and fear the entire time, but you did the right thing. He would be proud of you. He sounds like he was a wonderful man, and the world is poorer for his loss.
  19. magnolia

    1/2 Century

    My husband of 50 years left to go home to glory the Monday before Thanksgiving. We had been married 50 1/2 years. We spent the last nine months traveling in our trailer, and boating, fishing, playing and just enjoying life. We reminded each other every day that it was precious and tried to stay away from conflict as much as possible. We both got Covid, but because of health issues, he got very sick. I recovered with mild symptoms. After 10 days at home he had to go to the hospital where he survived another 4 weeks. Many things happened during that time to him. My hurt right now is how many things they had to do to help him survive, how many decisions I had to make on his behalf, and how none of it changed the inevitable end. It hurts me to think of the man who I thought was the most beautiful on earth, even at 70... seemed so abused by what was necessary for keeping him alive. It hurts to know at one point he was the sickest man in that hospital with 10 iv's not counting the intubation. He had things attached to several parts of his body, his perfect at one time very healthy body. He was sedated, but never would have wanted what had happened. I had to decide he would want to breathe, and if anything would be helpful in that effort, I should do it. You never know what you will decide for a loved one until there is something so pressing, you just want them better for their sake and yours
  20. I will give you a piece of advice that will seem contradictory because I am giving you advice. You need to find good listeners who do just listen. Too many people want to fix us when very often all we need is someone to listen. These listeners crop up at odd times and places. Often they are not family. Family is sometimes to invested in you to be able to just listen without trying to tell you what to do. A mixture of people you trust advising you and purely empathetic listeners can sustain you. Hope you are able to find your listeners.
  21. Hello again missingjay No worries, no apology necessary. I understand that easeness to believe they're not gone... but I'd advice you to be careful about it. I've had a couple of people tell me about acceptance and it really is necessary, as painful as it may be. And it may lead you somewhere good since, as I realized while talking to a friend, "to accept her death is to accept that she lived, and her life had a lot of good things". So in other words, accepting our losses inherently means accepting all the good. It has to. Yes, I have been told I'm strong, and I appreciate your comment. I know it comes from a good place. It's not easy though... but I choose to do the best I can with the cards life has dealt with me. Also it helps to honor her memory, to behave in the ways she told me she liked, and she would like if she could talk to me rn... It's good that you're taking things one moment at a time. Day by day. If that's too much, then hour by hour. And you can always go down to seconds if you need. That's fine. And about what you mention being together for the rest of your lives... yeah, my dear and I wanted that for us as well. Long lives. But I also realized that wanting to be together for the rest of our lives... well, she got that. It wasn't for as many years as we'd have wanted, so it was relatively short in that respect; but it was relatively long in other respects. I don't mean to say that this is a glass half-full or half-empty type of situation, but... in the end, as much as it's difficult for me, she did get to have me for the rest of our lives. And after that, I take solace in the promises we made to each other, that we'd love each other forever, 'til the end of time, in this life and the next. About the blame, and his side of the family... blame-wise, why don't you reduce to previous instances in your life together? Did he usually blame you for stuff that was inherently his? Because yes, we like to support and take care of our loved ones - but at the end of the day it's not on us, it's not our responsibility. If it's not our responsibility, it's not for us to shoulder any blame either. That wouldn't be right. And even IF... would they hold it against us if we tried our best, given the circumstances? As per her family... everyone reacts differently to grief. Some react by finding someone to blame, because that gives their sadness (and, more importantly, their anger) a target. It's easier to be angry at someone, than to be angry at death itself. Or fate. Or providence. i won't mention life, because in my case, being angry at life would mean being angry at having met her, having loved her, and I'll never be angry at that. I've thought about the word unfair a lot in these last few months... and yes, of course, it feels unfair. Whether it actually is or isn't, that's not up to me to decide. It just... is. And we're still here. They're... somewhere. Or at least that's what I like, and choose to believe. I think I'll see my dear again, some day... and until then, I want to make her proud, so that when we talk again, I can look forward to knowing what she'll have to say about my time here. I appreciate your offer to talk. You can keep replying here or send me a DM. I don't mind at all.
  22. I apologize that it's taken me a while to respond, it's taken me a while to log back on to this site because sometimes it's easier believing that he's not really gone, just away for a little while. I really appreciate the time you took to respond to this and am so sorry to hear about your loss as well. I know that hearing this can sometimes be aggravating but you sound so strong. I truly hope that you feel the strength you project in your core because your level head is inspiring, especially considering I understand your pain with how recent your loss was. I've been taking things one moment at a time, it's the best I can do right now. The hardest part is that as more time passes, the negative voice in my head gets louder. I want to believe that he would want me to hang on, because I know that I would want him to. I know that he would want me to try but I seriously can't fathom finding any reason to continue this viscous cycle we call life anymore. He deserved more time and I can't understand why he didn't get that time here. He would tell me that I am better off without him as he told me many times while struggling with depression, but the truth that he knew in his heart is that we were meant to spend our lives together and that's all I ever needed since the moment we met. I think the biggest reason that I blame myself was that he was having such bad asthma that day. He kept telling me that he was okay, those were even his last words. But I should've realized how not okay he really was. I was his person and I was supposed to protect him and I didn't save him. I always respected his decisions, but in this case I should have pushed more. If I would've pushed more even just at the pharmacy and made them refill our prescription for his inhaler then he might still be here. It's just so hard because we lived together in a rural area so I was all he had, if anyone was going to convince him to get medical attention earlier it would've been me. I think that the guilt has really compounded because of some words that were shared from his mom and grandmother, they need someone to blame for their loss and that person is me. Hearing someone else tell me that I could've done more really made me believe it, and to this day I'm not sure if she's right or not even though I'm the only one who was there.Thankfully I have a brother who supports me and has tried to be my voice of reason through this, but I can't unhear what his family has told me. I want to say again how much I appreciate your response, the thoughtfulness behind your reply and the questions you said I should ask myself. This post has had a whole lot about me so if you ever need to share, I'm here to listen. I usually put up a strong face when I'm with friends and family but I think it's important to say my truth somewhere. From what I can tell, you seem like an incredibly resilient person who is solid in their truth which is commendable at the least. I also know that even the strongest of us need a shoulder every once in a while so please don't hesitate to reach out if you just want to talk.
  23. Hi, i am no stranger to loss. It started at the age of 11 with my mother. She was murdered in front of me, by her ex boyfriend That has effected me for most of my life. Grandparents, cousins, aunts , uncles & friends. The recent loss of my father has hit me the hardest. I started going shopping for him the last two years. Hospital stays and doctors appointments. Because of these restrictions my dad died alone. I am so angry! He was treated very poorly, while i was trying to get him transferred out of this place. He was there for 3 days and the night before i was checking him out of there he passed. I have all this anger that i am trying to work through.
  24. Hello. First off, I am very sorry for your loss. I understand your pain... I loss my partner 2 days after your lost yours, sudden death as well, and it's jarring and you feel like your whole life's meaning suddenly changes or it's gone. I read all of what you wrote and it shows that you've gone through a lot not only during his death, but after. And again, I can understand a lot of what you wrote. About your questions at the end... well, first off, take each day as it comes, one day at a time, baby steps, slowly but surely. Focus on one moment, and then the next. When you can handle that, focus on one day, and then the next. The big jump from there is to plan ahead a week but well, that's a big challenge from day to day to week to week, so be patient and forgiving with yourself. Is it worth hanging on? Well... I think it is, but why don't you answer, what would Jason answer you there? Would he tell you to hang on? What would he tell you? And I know you didn't ask, but about something you wrote before, that you blame yourself for everything and that you should've "made" him go to the hospital... I have two questions for you: how could you have known? And, do you think it's fair to yourself to ask those questions, considering that he made his choices? I've learnt to respect other people's choices, whether I agree with them or not. It's not easy... but it's necessary. We are all our own human beings, responsible only for ourselves unless we are parents or have dependants. Each independent adult is responsible for their own health, for better or worse, don't you think? But again, what would Jason tell you?
  25. Mianko471

    Connecting with the circle

    Hello I’m also new here and wondering also how to navigate The circles and their role on this Platform. I lost my mother 2 years ago, my brother last year, so I share at least somewhat in the loss you feel. thank you for sharing.
  26. Today marks six months since the passing of my older brother, who was 33 when he very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. It would have been his 34th birthday on September 15 and I found the day so incredibly difficult. I feel like I was recovering well over the past couple of months, but I have found the past few weeks impossibly hard and feel like I'm moving backwards again. I accept that he's left us but I cant quite believe that I won't ever see him or speak to him again, and I feel so much injustice in my new situation as an only child, having had my only sibling taken away from me. I don't know what to do in order to start moving forward again, so any advice from anyone who has been in similar situation would be really appreciated.
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