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Fresh, new, raw grief is all encompassing. Come here to help you navigate this new journey you are on in life.
  1. What's new in this club
  2. In January I lost my 29 year old daughter. She had been battling liver chirossis for the past five years. She lived with me and was my best friend. People keep telling me it will get easier but I feel like it is getting harder. My family is supportive but I still feel like I am alone.
  3. My friend committed suicide few months ago. I’m still grieving but still in denial sometimes. More than that All what I’m thinking about these days that I might loose anyone any time on a sudden. I don’t want to deal with this pain it’s not easy. And ppl keep saying it’s a matter of time
  4. Two nights ago I lost my best friend. He was not sick - in fact we had just returned from a wonderful week away to a resort in Monterey, CA and had a great time. David had severe sleep apnea and used a CPAP machine. He had to use it every night and every time he lay down. He had had it for 25+ years and stuck to his routine religiously. He fell out of bed and severely injured both his arms and couldn't get back in bed. His sister Laura was helping him, bringing him water, ice packs and tried to make him comfortable on the floor. She wanted to call 911. Both David and I vetoed that because he didn't want to go to the hospital and I felt that it was unlikely that they would be unwilling to come by and assist David back in bed. After spending 2 days and nights on the floor - in a lot of pain and not sleeping, David told me that he was getting sleepy and that I should come by and we would go to Urgent Care the next day. He seemed ok so I hung up the phone, then called his sister so that she knew the plan - that I would be coming by the next day. During that conversation I talked about the severity of David's sleep apnea and his need for the CPAP machine. I also asked her to check on him. She apparently went into his room and he was snoring loudly. She offered him his CPAP mask but he batted it away. She then placed it on his face and balanced a pillow on top. She then went out for a walk. When she returned, about 10-15 minutes later he was unresponsive and cold. She called 911 but David was already dead. Laura did a lot of complaining about how much cleaning she needed to do and how tired she was because of David's messiness. She also had to move furniture so that it would be easier to get David back in bed. Was she being spiteful by not awakening him to properly put his CPAP mask on, given the instructions I had given her? She contends this was a "mistake" and that "people make mistakes". I see this as pure negligence that resulted in the unnecessary death of the most important person in my world. Laura is resistant to other people telling her what to do and is very sensitive to feeling "bossed" about, even when those people are recommending the right things to do. She often feels that people are talking down to her and that she has to "assert her rights", especially in restaurants, stores, public transit, local government, utility serve centers and other places where there is a customer service situation. I know that she was becoming increasingly resentful that she was cleaning and having to take care of her brother, but KILLING him? I am in shock. My world has crumbled. I have spent the better part of my life with this man. He went from doing fine (with the exception of pain in his arms) and talking on the phone to dead in the course of less than 1/2 hour. And just a few hours after being taken away by mortuary workers. I am reeling from this. I don't know how I am to cope. I thought we had years ahead of us.
  5. Hello all. My name is David. Ima firefighter and an EMT in Alaska. I lost my father a couple of months ago to unexpected heart failure. I was hoping to share my story, especially because im finding hardship dealing with not only his passing, but how it is brought up and relived by my current job. I went to an academy in February after originally going to it in January and catching covid. Been a several year paid employee, but was finally able to earn the right to get sent to get my certs. On the day back from academy, while in the seattle airport my mom texts me and says my dadd isn’t acting quite right. She describes his symptoms, and ill be damned if she isn’t describing a heart attack. So I call him, and speak to him like an EMT, not his son, and tell him to stop what hes doing snd to go get healthcare. He doesn’t want, and I should have insisted on going to a hospital. But he conceds that he will go to his doctor right away. So while im flying home from Seattle, he goes to his doctors. The tell him hes having a poor reaction to he blood pressure medication, and me, being just an EMT, decides that they must be correct. They are doctors, they know more than me. But they weren’t correct. Hes home for 4 days and out of it, having a hard time breathing, being weak and dizzy, and we think that must be his medication. But that evening, he has altered mental status. I take him to the ER, and whoops…The doctors were wrong. He had a blockage in his atrial artery. Hes been at home without care with a widowmaker heart attack for 4 days. It’s a bloody miracle that hes still alive He gets care and treatment, and we hope that we got lucky. But over the next few weeks he isn’t doing better. He goes in for care, and look at that, there was too much damage to his heart from 4 days of blood flow being blocked, and he has only a thin membrance of tissue holding his heart together from having a major rupture, and killing him. The next day im on a medevac flight with him to Seattle. There he is seen yb the best cardiac team in the world. They have a plan to repair his heart. We spend several days,a nd he goes in for surgery. Right before that time is the last time id talk to him. I will never forget that. I have to return home for work, no sense in me being in seattle for the possible 6 weeks itll take to get a new heart if the surgery doesn’t go well. While hes under they discover that part of his heart is shot. There is no way to repair it. They put him on an LVAD. Now hes unconscious, and we are waiting for him to get a new heart. HE should wake up. My mom is with him every day. Then 9 days later I get a phone call… Hes had a stroke. They cant give him blood thinners because of the machine, hell bleed to death. And he ahs a stroke. I fly down as fast as I can. It turns out that just maybe he will make it, it will leave him mostly blind, but he has a chance. The next day… uring rounds we find out hes had another stroke. His frontal lobe is destroyed. Hes not going to recover, and hes not truly eliagable for a heart transplant anyways. That day we pull life support, and he passes while im hugging him. I play the song well done by the afters, and my mom feels his last heartbeat. And since that day, my father, a rock in my life, and literally the best father I could have designed if God had given me a piece of paper and said, design your ultimate father, hes gone. The next week I followed his direction, no matter what happens, I stick to my plan of seeing my fiancée in another country. With his blessings, and my families, as well as my works, I go spend 12 days with my fiancée. And its wonderful But now im home. Im returning to normal. And since Ive gotten back, over the last 2 months we have been slammed with cardiac codes, and ive worked a lot of deaths. The most recent was a 5 year old child. We worked so hard to try to bring her back, almost 2 hours. But she doesn’t make it. The weird thing is that I know this is all effecting me, and I work in a culture of people who encourage sharing and talking. Im using my employee assistance program to get help, and I hav ethe full support of my brothers and sisters at my station. But damn it, im so angry. I don’t even know why other than this ethereal sense of, this isn’t fair. Ive been on edge, and even the slightest things makes me want to just explode. Thankfully it isn’t people, but I have kicked shoes across the living room. I broke a pair of headphones that got caught ona door handle by rippinig them apart, instead of just unhooking them. And I know that I have so much sadness inside of me. But the tears don’t come easily. I WANT to cry. I want to sob. I want to scream, but I honestly cant muster it. And the other wildest thing is that im okay. I know that sounds counter to what im typing, but I told my dad that no matter what happens ill be okay. Because he was a phenomoinal father, and he raised me right. His favorite poem was called Good timber, and its about how harsh weather and tough conditions breeds old tought trees. Easy conditions builds weak trees, and in turn he built me intoa tough tree. But not an emotionally stunted one. Im not putting on some macho mask. Im open with how im feeling, and I talk about it with my pastor and my Lt (they happen to be the same person lol) Im just sharing here because I feel like I still need to talk about it. I knowthat grief is different for everyone. We all behave differently, and there is no righr way to grieve. I guess im wondering if there are any other firefighter EMTs out there that know how to process death when it comes so close to my fathers passing, and so often takes the same shape? Thank you.
  6. John Adams

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    Summersun, Thank you. I honestly didn't know how things would've turned out, so I'm glad they went this way. The necklace is put with the wedding rings and my memories together along with my mothers necklace. She would want me to have a life and not sit around and be unproductive or distance myself from life. I hope you're doing ok on this sunday and everybody else as well. have a good day.
  7. Summersun

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    John, you can be so proud of yourself the way you handle this! You are so strong. This picture of the two of you is incredibly beautiful. Yes, do everything the way you believe she'd want you to do it. There is no need to do anything with her clothes just yet. Take your time. It's very fresh, just like you told your potential employer. I think the necklace is a great idea. This way you can have her close to you if you wish to. I hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Sending strength to all, especially those here who are having a rough day. I might not know you all, and I think of you.
  8. John Adams

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    Good Day, I have finally received her ashes and within a week I will be spreading them where her mother and brother were spread by her just 3 years ago. It will be the next chapter of healing I believe. I was going to keep a small urn, but I just watched the video we took of her spreading her brother and mother and her words were " it will finally come to and end". So I have decided to keep an urn necklace with just a tad of her ashes. The same I did with my mothers ashes. And i will live my life like she wanted me too. I don't know if I will look for new love or take my wedding ring off. I suppose time will tell. I still haven't done anything with her clothes yet. I suppose in time I will. Still can't believe today makes it 2 weeks since her passing. I actually thought I would be a absolute mess a non functioning blob of grief and self destruction. I am actually doing better than I thought. There are times where I find something and it triggers the sorrow and I know that's natural. As I always told her love you always and forever. I hope everyone is doing ok.
  9. ShannonFarr94

    My Grief Story

    Hi John Thank you for your reply, i will do and hugs back
  10. John Adams

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    Hello Anna, Today is another winner. (Joking) I was supposed to have an final interview to start helping people with their company benefits. And i called the manager back and explained again with my wifes death being only 11 days past. I don't think my mental state should be put under a lot of stress. Normal times I would've killed a job like that, but I can't seem to focus enough to even do that. So maybe tomorrow will be at least alittle easier. It doesn't help me sitting here going over the tons of pictures and the things we did. i can't help it i wanna go back in time and try and correct or at least catch it before the cancer was too far gone. I guess I better invent a time machine . Also I need to go the store but again put that off maybe I'll go when it's darker out seems like there's less people then. Btw on one of the messages you said whatever part of the world I'm in. I reside in Arizona. Hope you're day was ok or tolerable at least. John
  11. John Adams

    My Grief Story

    Shannon, So sorry for your loss. This is a good place to tell your story everybody here understands what you're going through. Please come and share when it get's to be too much. hugs John
  12. ShannonFarr94

    My Grief Story

    Hi, My name is Shannon i am 28 Irish and currently living in the UK. My mum passed away on 08/05/22 age 47 due to a cardiac arrest. My mam was an alcoholic, she would go for months not drinking & then when she would drink she would binge for weeks. my mam had 5 children including me and my 4 brothers. It still doesn't feel real, i just feel so numb, angry sad etc, i joined this forum yesterday looking to speak to others as grief is new to me still dont seem to understand it. if you take the time to read this. below is a picture of me and my mam in happier times. Thank you Shannon.
  13. Summersun

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    She was so lucky to have you, John. From what time is the picture? She still looks very healthy in it. I think you can tell by the look on her face how close you were, and what you meant to her. A bit tired maybe, who would not feel that way. But you can tell she felt loved. Looks so assured she is protected by you. When their journey ends, ours is only about to begin. For my mum it was also a very quick decline. She got through it. Though not alive, its over for her. No more pain to endure. And now I sit here with possibly decades to miss her, every minute feeling like a life sentence. She was my best friend, my protector and basically sole peron I spoke with, especially during the pandemic. I feel so unseen. Like I only existed if I could tell her how my day was. Now its unreflected and feels so surreal. I lost all of my self confidence, having to fend for myself. Not that an elderly mum could do much. But she would listen and be my safe haven. Now theres no one to run to, emotionally i drift aimlessly around. My mum was not that much older than me, and not your typical conservative mother. So interested in everything, so busy with all her hobbies, and I loved making her laugh. And proud when I got something done. Now I have zero ambition. Yes John, lets talk. I have zero voice at the moment, as I am ill. We will do it again. You can actually follow people here if you go to their profile. That way you notice what they post. Very practical, if you are mostly in a different subforum. Take really good care John, whereever you might be in the world. And please know, your loss is so very fresh, please give yourself a little time. I know those first days are so hurtfuI and raw, I felt as if everything was twice as loud, sensory overload. Its because the brain senses danger and we are hyper alert and yet so exhausted at the same time. Please come to us if you feel its too much. I have also been through so much, I keep thinking its too much. And then you do it another day, and one more. All the best! Anna
  14. John Adams

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    Anna, Thank you for replying. I think I will come and talk. I usually don't open up too much, but I think if I don't try it'll get too bottled up and I won't have anything to look forward too. Almost like wandering around in a dark basement bumping into everything. Lost, Confused, and maybe even scared. I have no inkling of trying to deal with the world when I'm this broken. I agree every hour is so uncertain on how my mental state is. I lived my life for her. Gave her everything I am. Then it was gone. I felt the same with my son and mother. I think because I'm getting older I don't want to Cover my pain anymore. I think this was like the last straw that my mental strength could handle. If I didn't say it. I am sorry for your loss as well. You will have a friend and a listener in me if you choose to. Hugs to you as well. John
  15. Summersun

    Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

    Dear John, I am so very sorry for your loss, and those before, too. It does add up, doesn t it? I deal with anxiety and loneliness too. It helps me to know, there are others somewhere with the same problem, not knowing how to get outside, or make it through the next hour. I am over in the parent section usually. We want to start zoom meetings again when summer slows down. please come here often and talk to us. It does help a little i think. All the best my friend. Your picture looks lovely. Hugs, Anna
  16. John Adams

    Just lost the love of my life

    Ann, I know how a sudden loss feels. I got 3 months with my wife after being diagnosed. I have no idea what to do either. Much less the future. She was my everything.
  17. Hello my name is John Adams. My wife of 14 years passed away on July 2nd 2022 from ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed at the beginning of April, and by that time it was already growing too fast. It was in her liver, Lymphatic system, lungs, and her brain. I had to quit my job and become a full time caretaker for her. She eventually lost her motor functions due to the cancer spreading to her brain. We found out on June 4th that it was terminal and she wanted to be closer to her adult children, so I took her there. On July 2nd t 1110 pm She passed. In the past I have lost my son 25 years ago. My mother to pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. Now my Best friend/soulmate/wife. And I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't hardly go outside because I have now developed and anxiety. Have no job and can't even focus on anything. The only thing that is keeping me together (somewhat) is my 4 dogs that are my responsibility and a promise I made to her. I have 1 person that checks on me. I am completely alone. No friends. Nothing.
  18. Dear Ajnolan, I lost my husband due to cancer. Let me tell you sth. 4 years ago, doctors told us he will not make it more than 2-3 months. Fortunately, he survived 4 years after that time. So life is unpredictable. dont think about 2 years. I hope it will be 20, or even more, in practice.
  19. reihaneh

    Just lost the love of my life

    I am so sorry, Dear Ann. I lost my husband around 4 weeks ago too. Maybe we can help each other to overcome this disaster of the life. I feel fear. And I am angry. How are you? You said you missed him a lot. These times, I just think that he is in a better place now. He is healthy and happy. He can see me and help me. The only difference is that I cannot see him anymore.
  20. My husband Ron passed on Friday and the tremendous pain and emptiness is unbearable. He was my compass, my partner in all things. What do we do when the person who would be your greatest comfort is the one who is gone? I just want to curl up in his arms and have him tell me it will be ok. I thought I would be ready; we knew for nine years that he would have a limited amount of time left when he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis in Jan of 2013. We were so fortunate to receive the gift of a bilateral lung transplant in October of that year and were told to expect maybe five years at best. We always expected the dreaded rejected or kidney failure from the medications to take him. He was able to avoid rejection and keep from complete kidney failure, but his heart gave out. It was so fast, I took him to the ER on Saturday, on Monday we thought he was improving and on Friday morning he was gone. Never a chance to say goodby. Plenty of I love you but no goodby, no thank you for making me a better person and pushing me to do things I never thought I could do. I just don't know how to get though one more day without him let alone a year or a decade...
  21. Brokenhearted333

    1/2 Century

    I lost my husband of 19 years less then 3 months ago. And I have never felt so lost in my life. I tell people im okay but in the inside I am falling apart. I have lost my soul mate, my best friend, my children father and my protector all in a blink of an eye. How do I get over 19 years of my life?
  22. JAC2236

    Losing My Grandfather

    I really relate to what you're feeling. I just lost my Grandmother in the last month. My parents were always around, but she was very much my other half, someone i'd consider a soul mate of sorts. I'm really not sure how to fully carry on either. She had a massive impact on my life that can't ever be forgotten. What I've been trying to hold onto is how much she taught me. How much of her I carry with me, and share to the people in my life. Just like she did. In that way, she'll never be fully gone. I'll spread the spirit of her in my life, and hopefully plant a bit of that in others, and let the spirit of that woman radiate through everyone i meet. I hope you're feeling more at peace now, I know it's been quite a while since you posted.
  23. I am new to this but right now I am really struggling and I have many people that count on me. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of others. So, I am trying anything I can right now to figure out a way to guide me thru this process in my life. I lost my grandmother last year to cancer. I was taking care of her with my aunt for quite sometime before that. I watched her pass away in front of my face. I cant get that picture out of my head. I miss her so much. She was a very one the best grandmothers a person can ask for. I never appreciated her until I got older. I appreciated the times, we would just sit and talk and we were both very honest with each other. Then on 12/27/2021, my mother in law passed away from covid. Most people are no as lucky as I am to have great in laws. My mother in law and myself were best friends. We told each other everything, no matter what it was. We talked a million times a day everyday for over 19 years now. We have discussed what my role would be if she was not here any longer because she did have other health issues. I made a promise to make sure everyone was taken care of. So I am really trying not to grieve because for three weeks after her passing, my heart literally hurt. I feel like I have a broken heart. I can not longer call anyone to vent to and explain what drama is going on. I only have myself because I do not want to put my troubles on anyone of my other family members. I need to be strong. But the more days that go by the harder it is becoming. Everything happened to soon to much to fast and I am still hurting over my grandmother. I need to know what to do and how to get my mind together because I know I am not myself and in order to be what I need to be for everyone, I need help. Please someone give me some guidance.
  24. Conpie

    I Still Feel Like I'm Dreaming

    My son's service was just last Saturday. For some reason I was at peace during the service and even afterward. I did not cry much either. It was like he was there holding my hand. I even managed to speak but was holding his childhood teddy bear the entire time. Every day but that day has been hell on earth. I have cried till my head hurts and my eyes feel like they are on fire. Do not let someone else's expectations hurt you. Some people at my son's service may have thought I wasn't crying much but I was holding it together for my son, mother and husband, was totally shocked by the number of people who showed up and just felt so loved! I even laughed a little too loud when my boss said she was wearing a bra on a Saturday for the first time in 10 years. Just be you.
  25. MelissaRickey

    1/2 Century

    So sorry for your loss I just lost my husband of almost 28 years this is the hardest thing I've ever been through and having to do it without the love of my life and best friend to lean on miss him so much
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